ABSTRACT: In an attempt to facilitate heterosexual male college students' efforts to bed heterosexual female college students, the alcoholic-beverage industry has concocted a bevy of sweet and syrupy alcoholic beverages ("sorority girl" drinks).

HYPOTHESIS: Subject "Bradley," a 29-year-old heterosexual male and successful vice-editor of a weekly newspaper, will, under the influence of sorority girl drinks, display behaviors common to sorority girls (i.e., giggling, sudden loss of inhibitions, the performance of oral sex upon a male, et cetera).

MEANS AND METHODS: Subject "Bradley" consumes two Seven and Sevens, his preferred drink of choice (on this evening), before research begins. Consequently, subject has already begun to slur his words and react in a delayed manner before the first sorority girl beverage is consumed.

Upon entering the experiment's first official test facility, the BluWater Bistro on South Lake Union, subject "Bradley" confesses that the integrity of our particular experiment may already have been compromised, as he is "already drunk." Researcher orders subject the "kitchen sink" of sorority girl drinks: the Long Island iced tea (1/2 oz vodka, 1/2 oz tequila, 1/2 oz rum, 1/2 oz gin, splash of Coke). As the testing grounds begin to fill with a throng of post-workweek ladies, subject easily befriends his newfound sisterhood

(see Figure No. 1). Drink number two, Strawberry Stoli Cosmopolitan (1 oz Stoli Strasberi vodka, 1/2 oz Triple Sec, 1/2 oz lime/cranberry juice), comes at the suggestion of the evening's bartender. Subject "Bradley," feeling his masculinity threatened, goes to great lengths to explain the nature of our experiment to said bartender. Researcher therefore orders subject to consume the most emasculating of all sorority girl drinks: the Blow Job (1.5 oz amaretto, topped with whipped cream). Subject accuses researcher of being "pure evil," then shamefully bends at the waist, seals his lips around the rim of the shot glass, and tips his head back.

En route to our second location, Belltown's Axis restaurant, subject "Bradley" insipidly exclaims "Ooh, big crane!" and "Ooh, Burger King!" as he is driven past a large crane and a Burger King, respectively. Researcher elects to pause at a 7-11 ("Ooh, 7-11!") and purchase subject "Bradley" a wine cooler ("margarita" flavored), which subject consumes in the car on the way to our second locale.

Our first drink at Axis, a fuzzy navel (1 shot peach schnapps, 1/2 shot vodka, orange juice), gets off to a rocky start when subject "Bradley" pokes himself in the eye with a straw before the first sip. A Black Opal (3/4 oz vodka, 3/4 oz rum, 3/4 oz tequila, 3/4 oz Triple Sec, 3/4 oz Chambord, sour mix) is ordered and consumed. As we leave Axis, subject "Bradley" brazenly suggests that researcher interview subject's girlfriend in what subject claims will be her postcoital bliss 12 hours after experiment's end. Researcher makes note.

En route to the next lab, shameless dance hotspot Polly Esther's, subject "Bradley" tentatively consumes a second wine cooler. Upon arrival and rendezvous with team "frat boy," subject consumes one Jell-O shot with subject "Dan." "Bradley" begins to dictate what should and should not be documented in the experiment. "Man, 'Dan' is more drunk than I think I've ever seen him," subject "Bradley" observes, apparently oblivious to his own outrageous intoxication. "That guy's getting too old for this!" When researcher inquires as to just how old subject "Dan" is, "Bradley" replies, with little regard to the well-being of his career, "He's almost 40! You put that in your notes."

Just in time for the experiment's final course, the atmosphere begins to confuse subject; he stares vacantly into the throb of a strobe light. Buttery Nipples (1/2 shot butterscotch schnapps, 1/2 shot Baileys Irish Cream) are greeted by both test subjects with disgust. Despite frat boy subject's attempt to force "Bradley" to perform oral sex on him

(see Figure No. 6), subject "Bradley" resists. Frat boy subject will have to look elsewhere for oral sex.

At GameWorks, subject "Bradley" defeats the other test subjects in various agility tests even after 11 drinks. The lab portion of the experiment ends with little fanfare. A phone call to subject the following morning yields this report: no vomiting, no headache, severe dehydration. When researcher asks to interview subject's girlfriend on the topic of subject's sexual prowess, subject replies with a sharp "There's nothing to report on that front."

CONCLUSION: Sorority girl drinks fail to induce homosexual behavior in test subject--or heterosexual behavior, for that matter.