George W. Bush's effort to write anti-gay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution died in the U.S. Senate earlier this month.

That came as a relief, as did Tim Eyman's failure to get his anti-gay-rights referendum on the ballot in Washington State. But we haven't seen the last of the federal anti-gay-marriage amendment. (Or Eyman.) Like the human-life and flag-burning amendments before it, the proposed anti-gay-marriage amendment will rear up—if I may use that image—whenever cynical Republicans need to crank up their base.

It's not just same-sex marriage that social conservatives are seeking to ban. They're opposed to civil unions—to any recognition of same-sex couples at all. In states where same-sex marriage has already been banned, religious conservatives are seeking to ban adoptions by same-sex couples. Queers cannot be mentioned in classrooms—not even classrooms they're sitting in. Hell, they're trying to get us banned from the window displays at Macy's.

Increasingly emboldened social conservatives are also moving against the rights of heterosexuals, seeking to ban abortion, birth control, and reality-based sex education.

But what about the things queers would like to see banned? Like hypocritical, thrice-divorced Republican defenders of "traditional marriage"? Or gay men in mesh shirts? Or drunken straight girls pretending to be bisexual? Or parental disapproval that stretches past a reasonable statute of limitations? Or heterosexual complacency?

For The Stranger's annual Queer Issue we invited homos, genderqueers, progressive hets, and oppressed gerbils to propose a few amendments, restrictions, and bans of our own.