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For example, speaking as a straight guy dating a bi girl, my special other has TRIED to find a girlfriend; it's just that most of the girls she hits on, like most girls overall, are straight.
That said, I'd expect female bisexuals to be in homo relationships at a higher rate than male bisexuals; female sexuality is more fluid, leading to a greater prevalence of queer females than queer males. Also, societal disapproval of female homosexuality is, for whatever reason (read as: because straight guys tend to find girl-on-girl action hot), weaker than that of male homosexuality, leading to less of a suppressive effect on bisexual girls dating other girls.
We married and performed with women because of society's homophobia. Inside we longed to bond to our wives emotionally, not just physically, but could not. So we came out, left our wives & kids and made our lives match our insides. We 'chose' to be queers, as it were.
If I had been bi, I would have been able to bond to my wife emotionally, and I'd have been 'straight', because there is no fucking way in hell I'd CHOOSE to be gay in this fucked up christianist country. Hence, the invisible, disappearing bi's. Bi's should shut up with the whining and be thankful they can blend in to this homophobic, christianist culture we call home.
Thanks for that insight.
I'm one of those sorts of children.
But you're totally right about simple probability being the reason that most bisexuals end up in straight relationships. Like your girlfriend, I have *tried* to find a girl who's into me, but an overwhelming majority of the girls I'm attracted to are straight. The few lesbians/bisexual girls I've been attracted to were almost all already in committed relationships, and the few that weren't didn't find me attractive. Now I'm married, and even though my husband would support me, a lot of girls don't want to be the girl on the side. I suppose I could make more of an effort on craigslist or other dating sites to find a woman who, like me, is in a committed relationship but wants to have some girl-on-girl fun, but....hey, life is already pretty damn busy. It's a lot less effort to just fantasize about women as my husband goes down on me. /shrug
http://www.afterelton.com/oysters-04-28-…
and watching this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY39HHzxu…
before finally coming here to figure out once and for all what all the hulabaloo is about.
I don't have an axe to grind, I'm not personally bi...etc. etc. Good, that's out of the way. Sigh. Okay.
First,
Are you basing this...
"And here's another thing that is: Most adult bisexuals, for whatever reason, wind up in opposite-sex relationships"
and this...
"lots of bisexuals choose not to be out"
on you letter/e-mail responses alone or are there actual studies to support this? Because those, IMO, are two very strong statements you state as fact, not opinion, that I think are at the crux of this issue that most bisexuals I know have a problem with. (Those that are aware of your stance on the issue)
How should we handle the "choicers"? You know, those people who, upon hearing that someone like me is bisexual, immediately say, "see, it IS a choice, good on you for sticking with men"? I can talk till I'm blue in the face about how it's not a choice, that not everyone is bisexual, some people are just gay, and that either way marriage equality etc is still necessary and right, but it makes no difference. I've stopped mentioning that I'm bi to people like this for this very reason. I still don't have an effective response to that, and until I do, I honestly believe that I'm only confirming their views and harming gay rights in the process.
For the record, I do broadcast, quite loudly, my support of equality, and in circumstances where it won't immediately turn the conversation ugly (see above re: choicers), I make no secret of my bisexuality, most often by saying things in passing ("Yeah, Rachel Maddow is right on about many things, but I mostly watch her because I think she's sexy.") because formally "coming out bi" to someone who knows I'm in a committed relationship is often awkward and weird. For what it's worth, I've never really complained about the invisibility of and/or discrimination against bisexuals, I'm just trying to be a good little queer.
Now, if we could just convince him that male sexuality isn't as stable as he thinks just because some (not entirely reliable) studies have backed up his personal experience.
That said, I won't tell other queerfolk when they should come out. Each person's situation is different, and each person's level of internal resources is different, so each person must judge for him/herself when, if ever, it's time to come out.
In spite of being gay, Dan, you've really led rather a charmed life so far. If you'd been abused as a child, if you were a person of color, if you had major health problems, if you hadn't happened to fall into the job of your dreams, then your life would be more of a challenge than it is right now, and you might not have enough strength to deal with your other challenges AND being out.
Those of us who DO have the strength to deal with being out -- either because we were blessed with lots of strength or because we don't have a lot of OTHER shit to deal with -- we're the lucky ones!
A lot of bi people who became gay became gay because they got tired of defending their bisexuality to EVERY FUCKING BODY. For some bis, it's just so much easier to match your sexuality to the person you're dating at the time, or the groups you're in.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just wear our Kinsey number on our sleeve without having to explain it? Why do people tend to have problems with guys having any number other than 1 or 7?
The problem with the bi community is that there are two separate communities for each of the sexualities. Why create a whole third community and further limit the possibilities when there are plenty of 1s and 7s who wouldn't mind dating somebody in the middle, but won't actively join the bi community because...well...why would you?
Gay men like you, and lesbians who are biphobic too are the reason why some male and female bisexuals want nothing to do with the so called GLBT "community". No not all bisexual men and women get into opposite gender relationships. I know lots of bisexual men and women who appear to be gay or lesbian from the outside but they're bisexual and are partnered to other bisexual men and women, or gay and lesbian men and women.
I've been out as bisexual for decades and most of my male bisexual friends have as well even though they've experienced actual discirmination and bigotry from gay men these gay men and even lesbians are just mirroring the bigotry and discrimination that they get from Heterosexuals and a Hetero society.
And yet (perhaps paradoxically), I'm also a person who kinda hates when other bi people (particularly those in long-term opposite sex relationships) go on and on and on and BORING ON about the fact that they're bi, as if to put a stake in the ground of their queer identity so no one forgets how interesting they are. I think most non-queers non-allies assume bi-dom is ridiculous/childish/a conceit (maybe some queers and allies assume this also), and crowing about how queer you are when you're married-with-kids to an opposite sex person is just, uh, annoying.
I've got a touch of the internalized biphobia, perhaps. But if I'm currently dating a dude, beyond telling him my stance, I'm not going to blather on to anyone who will listen about how bi I am. It actually feels like a devaluation of the homo plight, somehow.
Dan, you write that you "don't berate bi-identified teenage boys" and that you don't go around "looking for young bi guys to beat up" but you've written some really nasty stuff about bisexual people in Savage Love, and I'm sure bisexual kids read your column. You're not making their lives any easier.
That said, @ 7: You may think it would be easy to "hide" bisexuality in an opposite marriage, but trust me it ain't that easy. True, I was genuinely in love with & sexually attracted to the woman I was married to, so yes, I didn't have to fake it in bed. But something about hiding & supressing half of my sexual identity made me pretty miserable.So just like most marriages where one spouse isn't straight, mine didn't end well at all...
Since then I have been out & proud to everyone more than a passing acquaintance/co-worker. It's funny, for the most part I'm the only bi guy my friends & family know. sigh.
Of course, there are genderqueer people who really fall outside the binary, but I also think that bisexuality accommodates this - the idea is that we're attracted to our own sex and to other sexes. THAT is the "bi" in the term, not "men and women."
I also find it funny that it's always bisexuals who are being berated for being close-minded in their use of terminology - but no one ever tells monosexual people they're close-minded for only being attracted to one sex. (Which is not that I think that they are. I think people don't have a choice in who they're attracted to, and people who want to turn this into a PC-oneupmanship game of "I'm better than you because I'm into more people" need to grow the fuck up.)
P.S. I first outed myself to the woman I was dating at 19 years old, I'm 52 now, and stipp bi.
Despite being more attracted to women than men, I've dated a total of two boys and one girl. Girls just aren't attracted to me. I ran a GSA for three years, I suffered through my mother's homophobic conversations, which urged me to make the right "choice" and I fought with her until, eight years later, she finally came to support almost all LGBT issues. Just in time for my little sister to come out, too, from the looks of things.
So what I'm saying is that I identify strongly with the LGBT community. And I'm afraid to have that identity taken from me.
...Am I worried about nothing? I don't even know any more. I'm steadfastly out (whenever I remember that people can't magically see that I'm bi) and I argue with every homophobe that stumbles into my life unless I think they might actually kill me.
I probably could've said this more concisely. Sorry. Does all that make sense?
I don't even know how you have any credibility, since you're yet another Gay man who is simply fighting for the right to be just as privileged as any heterosexual white man without having to check YOUR biases and prejudices at the door, but you expect everyone else to cater to you, right?
Go straight to hell.
And when you mention the Williams Institute stats and say that those bis need to come out I'd have to say that many of those people are out, but often they are out as gay or lesbian just to survive in an extremely biphobic community. In a confidential survey they can self-identify but in their own circles they may not feel supported enough to do that. And, frankly, Dan, it's partly due to some of the ignorant myths you and others perpetuate about bis.
I've been out as bi for over 20 years and am active in the political bi community and the LGBT community generally. I have had so many "gay" and "lesbian" people tell me over the years about their different sex relationships and desires, and they are not fluctuating teens but adults in their 20s or 30s or older.
We need to create a climate where all people can feel supported enough to come out in their true identities: bi, gay or lesbian. Dan, I really hope you can open your perspective up even wider to help that happen.
Out bi poly gal here, dating an out bi poly guy, among others. But of the two of us, I'm the only one with anything of a connection to queer community. I bug him about it, but he makes the very good point that most men don't believe him. He's in his late thirties, and he's still being publicly questioned about his identity by men like you.
Here's my point. If you question a teenager's identity, you make it easier to keep on questioning that same person's identity when they are an adult. It's like my aunt, forever convinced that I want to add "mother" to my identity no matter how many times I explain parenting isn't for me. If you can't accept someone's bisexuality, then you are acting in a biphobic manner in that moment. It doesn't matter how you justify it.
I'm lucky. The real people in my life now have stuck with me through a lot of radical changes, and they've accepted me at each step along the way. Whatever I said I was, they said, "OK. I love you for who you are." And that made it way, way, WAY easier to find and accept who I was. If the adults I trusted had exhibited less than acceptance, the way you do here, it would've just made it more difficult to come into my own.
Dan, you have such a big megaphone, a massive soapbox upon which to stand. I'm awfully surprised that you'd use it to tear others down, instead of building them up. This makes you no better than the bullies you've so publicly condemned. Not one whit better. To add insult to injury, your arguments are not only shortsighted, but completely unoriginal. If you were going to sink to that level, you might've at least done it with some decent material.
1) "Bisexual teens aren't really bisexual because they're too young to know what their identity is." -- Sorry teens, you aren't really bi, because I don't believe you're old enough to know what you're doing.
2) "Bisexuality is just a phase (especially if you're a teen)." -- It's just a phase! Unless you email me to complain that I said this, in which case, sure, you exist, and I don't like you.
3) "The above conclusions don't count as 'berating' bi teens." -- Because since I don't drive to your house to tell you to your face, then I'm not really berating you.
4) "Most adult bisexuals wind up in opposite-sex relationships." -- I don't have any scientific studies to back me up on this, so just trust me.
5) "Bisexual people have to be 100% out to their partners, period." -- I don't care how fast she divorces you, she needs to know that you used to suck dick and perhaps you still want to. You are not allowed to have any privacy or discretion, because you're bi! Duhhh.
6) "Bisexuals have to be 100% out to everyone, period." -- Because it's always best for everyone to be out no matter how quickly you'll get fired or have your home vandalized or lose your family members as a result. Oh, and ONLY Bi people have to come out 100% of the time, because they're bi.
7) "Bisexuals are whiny." -- Please stop emailing me, you slutty crybabies.
8) "Bisexuals are doing it wrong." -- It's ok for me to spew prejudiced anti-bi rhetoric and demand that you all come out of the closet, but bigotry against bisexuals is all your own fault.
9) "It gets better." -- unless you're bi.
Out bi poly gal here, dating an out bi poly guy, among others. But of the two of us, I'm the only one with anything of a connection to queer community. I bug him about it, but he makes the very good point that most men don't believe him. He's in his late thirties, and he's still being publicly questioned about his identity by men like you.
Here's my point. If you question a teenager's identity, you make it easier to keep on questioning that same person's identity when they are an adult. It's like my aunt, forever convinced that I want to add "mother" to my identity no matter how many times I explain parenting isn't for me. If you can't accept someone's bisexuality, then you are acting in a biphobic manner in that moment. It doesn't matter how you justify it.
I'm lucky. The real people in my life now have stuck with me through a lot of radical changes, and they've accepted me at each step along the way. Whatever I said I was, they said, "OK. I love you for who you are." And that made it way, way, WAY easier to find and accept who I was. If the adults I trusted had exhibited less than acceptance, the way you do here, it would've just made it more difficult to come into my own.
Dan, you have such a big megaphone, a massive soapbox upon which to stand. I'm awfully surprised that you'd use it to tear others down, instead of building them up. This makes you no better than the bullies you've so publicly condemned. Not one whit better. To add insult to injury, your arguments are not only shortsighted, but completely unoriginal. If you were going to sink to that level, you might've at least done it with some decent material.
Excepting the older Bis who are in committed (married, kids, etc) straight or gay relationships and who probably see this in terms of Dan's rounding issue, isn't this really a debate for twenty-somethings?
When we talk publicly about deeply personal decisions aren’t we morally obligated to consider how we are affecting others, especially when we are in roles of leadership?
When we talk publicly about deeply personal decisions aren’t we morally obligated to consider how we are affecting others, especially when we are in roles of leadership?
If I'm in a relationship with someone of the same sex, I'm "gay". If I'm in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I'm "straight". If, after I break up with one of them, I date the other, I'm a fencesitter and need to make up my mind already. The biphobia I face gets better ... when I come out as gay or straight.
(Is it just me or did this whole thing start off with the classic "I'm not racist -- I have black friends -- but ..."? Followed by being scared but not scared but that's okay because scared?)
At any rate, you're a bit two-faced, Mr. Savage. You don't want gay kids to kill themselves because of the homophobic world, but then you pretend you respect teens who are bisexual because *you* don't believe they're old enough to know what their sexuality "really" is (ironically, the same argument used by homophobes against gay teens).
What you've said here is biphobic. Full-stop. I won't say whether or not you yourself are biphobic, but you don't give me any indication that you are actually, seriously, honestly respectful of bisexual people. I've had people tell me that the Bs and the Ts in LGBT need to start our own group, and I've had several people tell me that I'm not *really* bi (that I'm really gay) because, well, they've had mixed-sex relationships and didn't enjoy it so, boom, I'm gay. I dread coming out to homophobes as bisexual not because they'd see it as gay-lite but because they'd see it as "hope" that I'm really straight, just waiting for the right person to come along. You have indicated in this column that you have your doubts that we're not all just a little lost, a little confused, a little out there, and you back up your opinion with stories of your readers. You see what you want to see. You see confused people, you don't see bisexual people who, while they may be confused, don't need help to be either gay or straight but need -actual advice- on handling an issue.
For the sake of this community you seem hellbent on fracturing, admit you have biphobic opinions. Be honest about it, and come out of your own closet.
(For the record, I had a "gay" phase before I realized the asshats telling me I'm gay are, well, asshats, and I really, actually, honestly am bisexual.)
I dunno, I get tired of closeted people too, but they aren't all bisexual, or hiding in opposite-sex relationships. Isn't there some other drum you can beat about how relative numbers in a cohort tell you all the really essential facts? Can't you, I dunno, go accuse everyone with sleep apnea of bringing it on because they're fat? (The correlation exists, and everyone sees it, but the medical evidence doesn't support causation, particularly when you meet skinny people with apnea.)
If your three biggest bisexual antagonists are all in opposite-sex relationships and that just reinforces your argument, perhaps my partner and I need to start picking apart everything you say on this topic. Let me see .... we're both males, both have penises .... both bisexual ... committed to each other for 14 years ... hm. I'd kind of given up on you on this topic years ago, figuring you do plenty of other good in the world (when this isn't the issue) and that you weren't going to change. But if a lack of bisexual male critics in stable, loving, same-sex relationships is your problem, quelle gauntlet, darling.
or go read any book abt bissexual ppl, and you'll see many bis well past their 30s or 40s or 50s. And, just so you know, just because YOU know some bi ppl who no longer identify as such (and you can bet at least one of them only changed the way they self-identify because of the rampant biphobia we still have to face) it doesn't mean a bi teen won't feel invalidated, erased and slapped in the face when smn tells them ''I know better YOUR identity, YOUR feelings and sexuality better than yourself.''
I'm sure it does get better, Dan; but people like you would only have it get better for Gay white men. You couldn't give a damn about anyone else because they don't fit the neat little box that you put them in.
Maybe the ones who didn't see how you reacted to bi women complaining how lesbians won't date us because ''we're gonna leave them for a man'' and men will date us, but a lot of them will think we're automatically up for a thressome because we just can't get enough of men and women, right? Your lovely advice? ''There seems to be a lot of you out there. Go fuck each other.'' Why adressing the fetishization of our sexual orientation and the invalidation of our identities when you can pretend we're just whining abt not enough ppl wanting to fuck us?
And, for future reference, you don't get to decide at what age smn earns the right to have their identity respected. When you tell a kid who identifies as bi that YOU know better than them what they are ''really'' feeling, how their sexuality ''really'' works, what they ''really'' are, that's insulting, demeaning
and patronizing. You don't get to do it just because they're young. In fact, it's WORSE to invalidate someone's identity when they're at a vulnerable age.
You wanna be biphobic? Go ahead. You already showed you don't care how much harm you're doing or how wrong you are. Just don't insult our inteligence and try to pretend you're not a bigoted, close-minded individual.
Who reads this shit? Man I forgot that the last time I clicked a link to an article by you I was so disappointed I figured you were a podunk blog writer with a palpable biphobic slant. What a complete waste of time. Your argument that, when a teenage boy declares himself to be bisexual that you don't buy it begs the question: What happens when a similar teenage boy declares himself to be gay? Is this second boy equally naive about his sexuality? It appears from your (il)logic that, as you believe bisexuality is a dubious identity, that the first boy isn't yet fully aware of his sexuality while the second boy is quite astute and mature for his age.
What I mostly get from your writings about bisexuals is that it is all about you and your uncomfortable relationship with the bisexual community. If I as an open and out bisexual activist in Utah ever took your column seriously I could see myself being offended. Instead, I see it only illuminates the fact of your biphobia and your persistent attempts to discredit and further marginalize those of us who actually live authentically with ourselves, our relationships, and in the world around us... and who are comfortable enough in our own sexual orientation to simply accept and not judge when anyone else defines their sexual orientation as something different than our "gadar" indicates.
Yes SOME teenagers may be confused, and are exploring their sexualities, but to assume EVERY teen is confused and doesn't truly know just serves to make them feel guilty, or to force them to pretend to be strictly hetro/homosexual.
You can tout how you aren't bi-phobic... but from this article alone (first time reader)you certainly come off as such, especially against us younger bisexuals.
-Bifromontario.
http://www.birequest.org/docstore/2011-S… - This report is a call to action and deals directly with the bi community and the pressure put on it by media and supposed leaders to sit down and shut up.
http://vegawriters.wordpress.com/a-call-…
- you might want to remember that the Bi community IS organized and IS working together. And fighting an uphill battle inside a community that is supposed to welcome them.
Then I mention an ex girlfriend, and so on it goes. Finding a (bi or lesbian) woman is much harder than a man precisely because of demographics. And lesbians are generally very bi-leery. It doesn't help that I'm not really conversant on local lesbian culture & scenes because of that.
OTOH, I have recently moved in with a female roommate and EVERYONE is assuming we are a couple! It's actually pretty funny. (I am not particularly correcting this assumption either; such a correction comes up in the same way as anything else -- when I mention my bedroom vs hers, etc.)
So I have not found a good way to raise personal visibility. I never lie if asked about it, I don't shy from mentioning past girlfriends and so on and yet I'm not very visible at all!
I'd love to find bi maen to date, as well (I get so tired of the straight male mindset esp in my age bracket) but finding them -- wow. Most of them are younger than me, too -- older men aren't as comfortable coming out of that closet and/or they're married (and monogamous).
Then I mention an ex girlfriend, and so on it goes. Finding a (bi or lesbian) woman is much harder than a man precisely because of demographics. And lesbians are generally very bi-leery. It doesn't help that I'm not really conversant on local lesbian culture & scenes because of that.
OTOH, I have recently moved in with a female roommate and EVERYONE is assuming we are a couple! It's actually pretty funny. (I am not particularly correcting this assumption either; such a correction comes up in the same way as anything else -- when I mention my bedroom vs hers, etc.)
So I have not found a good way to raise personal visibility. I never lie if asked about it, I don't shy from mentioning past girlfriends and so on and yet I'm not very visible at all!
I'd love to find bi men to date, as well (I get so tired of the straight male mindset esp in my age bracket) but finding them -- wow. Most of them are younger than me, too -- older men aren't as comfortable coming out of that closet and/or they're married (and monogamous).
And for the record I think bisexual men are really gay but long to be in a relationship/family with a woman, and "bisexual" women can get turned on if they rub up against basically anything.
Put me down as one 47 year old bi guy (married to a gay guy) who agrees with Dan here.
For the record, SaraJean, you're a dumbass. just sayin'
Come on people. Instead of getting all bent about whether Dan is secretly a biphobe, we should really be putting that effort into raising Bisexual Visibility and strengthening Bisexual Community.
All of us out Bis would rather live in a world wherein we didn't get swallowed by heteronormativity, and could jump into that big ol' secret Bi dating pool. So we need to figure out how to do that.
I admit that I don't have any great answers at the moment, but Dan is not keeping the Bis down. So why not spare him the avalanch of email and invest that effort in helping ourselves out.
Dan's article corresponds to my experience with bi men. Only one bi man I know has ever come out to his girlfriends. On the other hand, all bi men I know tell all their male lovers that they're bi, and it does feel like they're saying "so don't expect a relationship with me, I only have those with women."
In my experience, they also have a universal tendency of mentioning sex with women in the worst possible moments. As in, in the middle of sex. It's rather inconsiderate, to say the least. Since I'm not bisexual one bit, it's also a turn off for me, and I keep wondering why they all do that. To assert some sort of superiority over me, who can only have sex with guys, or just to make sure I don't forget that I'll never be a contender for a relationship?
And the worst part is, the sex is never really good, coz they're fixated on the things that they don't get from girls. So I've come to generally refuse sex with bi guys because a) it usually was an unpleasant experience on every level and b) I always felt used.
So to THOSE bi men, who obviously aren't the ones commenting in this thread, please read the article, learn to accept who you are, come out to everyone and become more considerate to gay guys. You won't have such a bad rep with us if you don't treat us like inferior beings.
And to all those NALT bisexuals who will be offended by what I wrote, well, I wasn't talking about you.
Here it is:
When a gay person comes out, they may be accepted and loved, or they may be condemned, or something in between ("I still love you but this is going to take time...").
You know what they DON'T hear? "Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as gay people."
Even condemnation, hatred, and rejection are better than simple denial that you even exist.
The denial comes from both sides, too. Sure, "No, you're just gay and I want a divorce now" is awful, but I think "No, you're just gay, and I'll love you and support you while you work that out" is awful on a whole different level.
I am the out-and-proud president of a bisexual support and advocacy group in Melbourne, Australia, and I have literally lost count of the number of men and women who came to us for support because they felt denied and rejected by the gay community.
My own boyfriend of five years attended a workshop for gay married men working together to come out, and while he was welcomed into the group, few of them ever hid the fact that they considered him to be a half-closeted gay man. While he made friends there, he had to leave eventually and find a group that accepted who he was.
On the flipside, my close female friends who came out as bisexual to their lesbian communities were universally hated for it. If a woman is living as a lesbian in a lesbian community, there is no sin more heinous than coming out as bisexual. Have sex with a man if the need strikes you, but maintain that lesbian identity! To come out as bi means you are PROUD of what should be a dirty little secret.
So yes, my group has been a safety net for bisexual women who have found themselves without friends, a support network, and even somewhere to live in the worst cases, after they have been rejected by their lesbian communities.
You want more bisexuals to publically come out, Dan? Well hey, so do I! Know how you can help?
Stop being horrible to us, and tell your gay friends to stop being horrible to us too.
The gay community forged its identity amidst a hostile straight mainstream. That was always going to be a fight.
The bisexual community faces most of its opposition from the gay mainstream, and really, you guys ought to know better.
As the instigator of the It Gets Better movement, Dan, you should be ashamed of yourself. What you say above is, "It'll get better... when we decide you deserve it."
Not good enough.
Actually I was shamed and pitied about not dating women as well as men for quite some time by "more evolved" friends. Fortunately, before they could succeed in pressuring me into expanding my dating pool, I realized it was just a case of I'll Love You When You're More Like Me and stopped wasting time thinking there was something wrong with me. They did have the spiel down, I'll grant them that. But it always seemed to me later as if there was just some widespread bicentric trend at the time that hasn't repeated itself since. And of course now I don't get out enough any more to know what's going on.
And it would be nice to chart a perfect course between the Scylla of appearing to think an identification is just a phase and the Charybdis of unintentionally making the identifier feel locked in a box, but there may not be a single universal way to do so.
That basically applies right up and until the day one gets caught cheating on our wives with an irresistibly hot man.
That, in and of itself is a reason for us to come out to our wives.
That, and not being a fucking chicken shit. I insisted on coming out to everyone the week after I realized I was bi because I actually *have* a pair.
Sorry Dan nobody that's bisexual or Trans believes your bigoted media whore ass.
People like you Mr. Savage should NOT be involved in the fight for GLBT equality or even GLBT Pride events since you are not for these things at all and are a total hypocrite.
My HIV+ friends do not like you either since you're Poz phobic, and my gay and bisexual African American friends find you to be a racist pig with your bitch fit about how you wrote that black voters somehow were the sole cause in Prop 8 passing in the state of CA.
While there are a few people who've "gotten it" straight away (many of whom were bi themselves), in most cases, it requires an entire education campaign if I hope that the other person will have any clue what I'm talking about.
Some people just don't know much about bisexuality, but are curious to find out more. Some are indifferent, which is unsatisfying but I can live with it. And yet others have built up a wall of poor assumptions about bisexuals that has to be dismantled--or at least reconsidered--if we're to ever have an deeper understanding.
Which brings us back to Dan Savage, who falls firmly in the third camp. I can say this as both a long time fan and as a critic: I've read his column every week since around 1996, and though I think he does far more good in the world than harm, he remains pretty useless when it comes to bisexuality because he doesn't grasp how some bisexual issues and experiences are different from those of gays & lesbians, or for that matter, heteros.
The problem is not that he doesn't get it--it's that he doesn't get that he doesn't get it. Unfortunately, the more we try to educate him on the stuff that he's missing, the more he just covers his ears. Rest assured, he *is* "willing to pretend that what is, isn't," so long as it's outside of his point of view and personal experience.
Dan, you say we're "doing it wrong", and that more of us should come out. I'm all for that, but it's inevitable that the more of us that come out, the more we will call you on your bullshit because that's a central part of what it is to be out.
In other words, as far as I'm concerned, you're the one who's doing it wrong. I'd rather see you come around eventually, but if the only way to deal with you is to "kick your ass out", then so be it. I'm up for it.
I dunno if bisexuals will ever be able to take over "the movement". But I have thought over, once or twice, writing my own advice column that *wasn't* biphobic. ;)
Have totally gotten rejected from a GLBT group I was in for the bi thing. (This was back in the early 90's, & the group was mainly "L". Love you ladies but you totally treated me like my sexuality was something 'I'd figure out'. I have..)
Me? Bi, figured it out around 17, out since. To everyone possible, without being obnoxious about it. Have dated guys & girls equally. When w/ a man, as currently, I might lean a little heavier on the rainbow stickers & pride marches, because it's harder to queerbash someone when they know someone gay/les/bi/trans.
Be out, bi's! As much as is safe to do.
I've got the stickers and the flags, but the moment someone sees my partner I'm immediately relabeled as straight. Its just... hard to bring up, when I don't have a reason to mention it.
Seems like the only time I do tell anyone that I'm bi is when they're being homophobic, which may be when it is most helpful.
His current "article" just shows how he's still biphobic and still does not understand bisexuality.
To the people who are claiming that Dan isn't Biphobic here are some things he's said in the past about bisexuals:
Dan Savage has made a career out of being biphobic and transphobic and tells GLBT youth that "It gets better" but then trashes bisexual and trans adults.
It's hypocritical when someone in the "community" feels that they have the right to bash bisexual people and claim that we don't belong there or are not/never have been part of the community.
People like Dan Savage are just as bad as Rev. Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist church or Rick Santorum, or the Conservative Christian "family" groups.
Here are some quotes from Dan Savage that show his biphobia:
“Avoiding bi guys is a good rule of thumb for gay men looking for long-term relationships. Outside of San Francisco's alternate-universe bisexual community, there aren't many bi guys who want or wind up in long-term, same-sex relationships -- monogamous or not.”
“I'm not saying bi guys are bad people, or they don't make great one-night stands. Bushes, bathhouses, and sleazy gay bars are crawling with bi guys.”
“There are definitely some people who should fool around with bisexual men: OTHER BISEXUAL MEN! Jesus Christ, bisexuals -- if straights and gays treat you unfairly, then why not turn to each other for love and comfort? Judging from my mail of late, there's an unlimited supply of easily offended, extremely verbose, highly ethical bisexuals out there looking for love. Fuck each other!”
"Bisexuals all disappear into heterosexual relationships!"
One person wrote in asking about bisexuality and he told them how bisexuality exists in women but somehow it does not in men and he claimed the false porn study done by Dr. Michael J. Bailey at Northwestern that's a joke of a study and Bailey is a eugenicist who supports the killing of ANY/every non-heterosexual fetus once someone's sexuality has been discovered to be genetic. I'm not pro life but why do idiots like Savage want to support this fool and hang their hat on this man?
Why do gays and lesbians find it acceptable that someone thought up the idea to strap electrodes to bisexual mens gentials as a way to definitively prove sexual orientation? What if some ultra right wing religious nut w/ a PhD decided to do such a study on gays or lesbians, because they just couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth about their sexual orientation and were actually all liars, as homosexuality is a lie made up to cover a mental illness?
The studies you site have been proven deeply flawed. The most famous one done by a eugenicist who believes in aborting any non-heterosexual fetus once/if such things become testable. This is the man whose hook you want to hang your hat on?
http://susiebright.blogs.com/FAIRedonBiS…
The bigot like Dan Savage never thinks his bigotry is wrong and has every study at hand to prove him right. I know many a religious bigot with reemfuls of studies to ‘prove’ gayness can be prayed away. You suggest I rely on them Dan?
@75, I agree totally. there often isn't a good or relevant time to "come out" for me. I'm married to a guy and have kids, which I know screams "HETERO" I'm very out, always have been, but it almost seems like it doesn't matter. and now with small kids around me all the time, it really doesn't matter.
Here *I* am writing advice to *you*:
Nothing good ever starts with the phrase, "I'm not [insert ...phobic or ...ist]."
I'm a tg butch dyke who dates bi/pan/queer women pretty much exclusively. Mostly because they tend to carry around less bullshit that most lesbians (i.e. biphobia, transphobia, and exclusively dating their ex's exes). They've told their friends, their parents and their coworkers that theyre bi. It's on their social networking profile. They've worked the Queer activist front. But when they're with me, everyone thinks they're "gay now." When they're with men they've "gone straight, and the queer was "just a phase." (so lesbians won't date them... so they're more likely to date men... so lesbians won't date them... repeat).
I've dated one avowed kinsey 6 lesbian, and she put "bisexual" on her personal profile just to scare off cliquey dykes.
Maybe I know less about men? But the bi guys I know are also out. But even wearing an "I fuck dudes" shirt around the village won't change how people see them.
These people are OUT. The problem is not a lack of activism on their part, it's a lack of het and gay people listening. The only time I see closeted bisexuals as a problem are the biphobic dykes and gay men who cover up their own bisexuality by attacking that of others. Given this, shall I question your sexuality?
You're very biphobic and this PR stunt of a pathetic article does not prove anything.
@58 Alanmt-Sorry Dan does NOT deserve any respect from anyone that's bisexual or trans since he's frequently trashed both bisexuals and trans people in the past and made it harder for bisexual people to come out and be accepted since he spreads BS like this article and how you shouldn't take a young person or young adult seriously or believe them when they come out as being bisexual. He's been doing this for decades folks and he's always going to be a bigot and hate bisexuals and be biphobic.
Someone who is as hypocritical as Dan Savage should not be the grand marshall of NYC's LGBT Pride parade or starting up a PR Campaign for GLBT teens.
Then again he's a media whore know it all who most gay men in Seattle don't even like and are tired of. He clearly does not know anything about sex or human sexuality based on how he's biphobic, transphobic, pozphobic/homophobic, and he gives "advice" to people about BDSM and kink yet is 1,000% vanilla LMAO! Then there was how he supported the 2nd Iraq war that we're currently in.
People like Dan Savage give gay men and all GLBT people a bad name.
then to come across his HIV STIGMA just goes to show how far we have not come since the eighties.
what i see: the inability to care for those in your community. Instead, it's the same ol'
bullshit of making yourselves feel better and more privileged in yet another minority group
that is somehow convinced that breaking into a mainstream, CAPITALISTIC, evil hetero-normative
society is going to magically make things better - HA! Savage is an A-Gay and is upper middle class and lives in the suburbs with a house and kids and just wants to emulate a Heterosexual lifestyle and thinks that all bisexual and gay men should do this or that we all somehow want to like him. Savage is a media whore with Peter Pan syndrome who just loves attention and can't get enough of it even if it's negative attention.
I find it hypocritical that gay men are claiming that most bisexuals and trans people are somehow victimey or want to celebrate victimhood. Yet if a Straight person or even another gay man or LBT person who can think for themselves says anything criticizing their sacred cows or anything against the "Community" they're branded as homophobic.
I'm not sure why so many Savage/It gets better queens on this blog are now claiming and denying that Dan Savage is bi-phobic? He clearly is and if you've read his "advice" column or listened to his podcasts one can easily see how he has major issues with people who are bisexual and that he is biphobic.
Try doing the research on these topics for yourself and you will see how Savage is very bigoted.
It really is just as bad as the shit we get from Heterosexist society and Rev. Phelps but it's from another GLBT person so it's 10,000X more hypocritical and worse when it's from someone on the inside like this.
fuck this shit. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!
you'll spend your days feeding the wallets of major corporations. allowing them to sell you a
version of gay/GLBT/Queer culture that is more concerned with KILLING YOU and this thing you call "individuality."
then instead of actually doing anything about being metaphorically "fucked in the ass" by
nearly 99% of americans (because queer/GLBT people still fuck queer/GLBT people over in extreme ways) you'll turn to some MONEY-HUNGRY ICON like Dan Savage, and repost false, generic
information and claim it as your own with revisionist history about how he's not biphobic when he has been for a very long time.
and don't forget the pride celebrations and nightly outings, which take you on a spiral into ALCOHOLISM, meth addiction, bareback sex, and recklessness. where a quarter of you end up hiv-positive because nobody has learned how to talk to one another or give a shit about knowing their status or using condoms either in the heat of the moment or as part of having safer sex.
and instead of blaming yourselves, you'll blame others, until you hopefully realize how fucked
up the "community" is, and start living a more productive and meaningful life.
but fuck it, it's pride and we all know what that is about, right?
going out, buying shit, getting wasted, buying more shit, getting more wasted, angry, annoyed,
horny, stupid, redundant and ugly.
well, not so much. it's about stonewall. it's about resistance. it's about a memory and
celebrating a time when queers were brave enough to stand up and fight against the system in hopes of thriving and forming their own unique culture. stonewall was a riot! not another dreadful, self-loathing party in the gentrified Castro district while watching your "It gets better" video and pretending that you're actually doing something and actually helping GLBT youth when you're just giving them the stock quote that EVERY KID-even straight kids-get when school isn't going so well or when they're being bullied.
Someone like Dan Savage who is a primadonna media whore that does not like bisexuals, people with HIV/AIDS, or Trans people is the last person we need representing gay men and GLBT Americans in the media. Meanwhile he posts bullshit like this trashing bisexual youth/young adults. Yeah Dan, "It gets better" for you and your husband!
Savage is a tool, media whore, jumps on any bandwaggon-Started his whole "It gets better"
project not to actually help GLBT youth but to self promote he and his husband and get an MTV reality TV show with crocodile tears claiming that he's for GLBT rights when in reality he
hates HIV+ people, bisexuals, and trans people and his "advice" column writings and podcasts on these subjects show his hate.
Then again he did start the It gets better project not to actually help GLBT teens/youth (all while trashing bisexuals like he is still doing now) but he started It gets better just for self promotion to get a reality TV show on MTV, and because he's a media whore who can't resist jumping on any bandwagon or saying or doing anything as long as it gets him any sort of attention or media/press coverage.
Nobody reading this article is fooled Dan even if you want to deny and pretend that you're not
biphobic and never have been which is pure bullshit.
Dan can claim he's not biphobic and never has been but we'll let this hypocritical lying sack
of shit named Dan Savage speak for himself in his own words and show how he's biphobic. ;)
then to come across his HIV STIGMA just goes to show how far we have not come since the eighties.
what i see: the inability to care for those in your community. Instead, it's the same ol'
bullshit of making yourselves feel better and more privileged in yet another minority group
that is somehow convinced that breaking into a mainstream, CAPITALISTIC, evil hetero-normative
society is going to magically make things better - HA! Savage is an A-Gay and is upper middle class and lives in the suburbs with a house and kids and just wants to emulate a Heterosexual lifestyle and thinks that all bisexual and gay men should do this or that we all somehow want to like him. Savage is a media whore with Peter Pan syndrome who just loves attention and can't get enough of it even if it's negative attention.
I find it hypocritical that gay men are claiming that most bisexuals and trans people are somehow victimey or want to celebrate victimhood. Yet if a Straight person or even another gay man or LBT person who can think for themselves says anything criticizing their sacred cows or anything against the "Community" they're branded as homophobic.
I'm not sure why so many Savage/It gets better queens on this blog are now claiming and denying that Dan Savage is bi-phobic? He clearly is and if you've read his "advice" column or listened to his podcasts one can easily see how he has major issues with people who are bisexual and that he is biphobic.
Try doing the research on these topics for yourself and you will see how Savage is very bigoted.
It really is just as bad as the shit we get from Heterosexist society and Rev. Phelps but it's from another GLBT person so it's 10,000X more hypocritical and worse when it's from someone on the inside like this.
fuck this shit. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!
you'll spend your days feeding the wallets of major corporations. allowing them to sell you a
version of gay/GLBT/Queer culture that is more concerned with KILLING YOU and this thing you call "individuality."
then instead of actually doing anything about being metaphorically "fucked in the ass" by
nearly 99% of americans (because queer/GLBT people still fuck queer/GLBT people over in extreme ways) you'll turn to some MONEY-HUNGRY ICON like Dan Savage, and repost false, generic
information and claim it as your own with revisionist history about how he's not biphobic when he has been for a very long time.
and don't forget the pride celebrations and nightly outings, which take you on a spiral into ALCOHOLISM, meth addiction, bareback sex, and recklessness. where a quarter of you end up hiv-positive because nobody has learned how to talk to one another or give a shit about knowing their status or using condoms either in the heat of the moment or as part of having safer sex.
and instead of blaming yourselves, you'll blame others, until you hopefully realize how fucked
up the "community" is, and start living a more productive and meaningful life.
but fuck it, it's pride and we all know what that is about, right?
going out, buying shit, getting wasted, buying more shit, getting more wasted, angry, annoyed,
horny, stupid, redundant and ugly.
well, not so much. it's about stonewall. it's about resistance. it's about a memory and
celebrating a time when queers were brave enough to stand up and fight against the system in hopes of thriving and forming their own unique culture. stonewall was a riot! not another dreadful, self-loathing party in the gentrified Castro district while watching your "It gets better" video and pretending that you're actually doing something and actually helping GLBT youth when you're just giving them the stock quote that EVERY KID-even straight kids-get when school isn't going so well or when they're being bullied.
Someone like Dan Savage who is a primadonna media whore that does not like bisexuals, people with HIV/AIDS, or Trans people is the last person we need representing gay men and GLBT Americans in the media. Meanwhile he posts bullshit like this trashing bisexual youth/young adults. Yeah Dan, "It gets better" for you and your husband!
Savage is a tool, media whore, jumps on any bandwaggon-Started his whole "It gets better"
project not to actually help GLBT youth but to self promote he and his husband and get an MTV reality TV show with crocodile tears claiming that he's for GLBT rights when in reality he
hates HIV+ people, bisexuals, and trans people and his "advice" column writings and podcasts on these subjects show his hate.
Then again he did start the It gets better project not to actually help GLBT teens/youth (all while trashing bisexuals like he is still doing now) but he started It gets better just for self promotion to get a reality TV show on MTV, and because he's a media whore who can't resist jumping on any bandwagon or saying or doing anything as long as it gets him any sort of attention or media/press coverage.
Nobody reading this article is fooled Dan even if you want to deny and pretend that you're not
biphobic and never have been which is pure bullshit.
Dan can claim he's not biphobic and never has been but we'll let this hypocritical lying sack
of shit named Dan Savage speak for himself in his own words and show how he's biphobic. ;)
then to come across his HIV STIGMA just goes to show how far we have not come since the eighties.
what i see: the inability to care for those in your community. Instead, it's the same ol'
bullshit of making yourselves feel better and more privileged in yet another minority group
that is somehow convinced that breaking into a mainstream, CAPITALISTIC, evil hetero-normative
society is going to magically make things better - HA! Savage is an A-Gay and is upper middle class and lives in the suburbs with a house and kids and just wants to emulate a Heterosexual lifestyle and thinks that all bisexual and gay men should do this or that we all somehow want to like him. Savage is a media whore with Peter Pan syndrome who just loves attention and can't get enough of it even if it's negative attention.
I find it hypocritical that gay men are claiming that most bisexuals and trans people are somehow victimey or want to celebrate victimhood. Yet if a Straight person or even another gay man or LBT person who can think for themselves says anything criticizing their sacred cows or anything against the "Community" they're branded as homophobic.
I'm not sure why so many Savage/It gets better queens on this blog are now claiming and denying that Dan Savage is bi-phobic? He clearly is and if you've read his "advice" column or listened to his podcasts one can easily see how he has major issues with people who are bisexual and that he is biphobic.
Try doing the research on these topics for yourself and you will see how Savage is very bigoted.
It really is just as bad as the shit we get from Heterosexist society and Rev. Phelps but it's from another GLBT person so it's 10,000X more hypocritical and worse when it's from someone on the inside like this.
fuck this shit. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!
you'll spend your days feeding the wallets of major corporations. allowing them to sell you a
version of gay/GLBT/Queer culture that is more concerned with KILLING YOU and this thing you call "individuality."
then instead of actually doing anything about being metaphorically "fucked in the ass" by
nearly 99% of americans (because queer/GLBT people still fuck queer/GLBT people over in extreme ways) you'll turn to some MONEY-HUNGRY ICON like Dan Savage, and repost false, generic
information and claim it as your own with revisionist history about how he's not biphobic when he has been for a very long time.
and don't forget the pride celebrations and nightly outings, which take you on a spiral into ALCOHOLISM, meth addiction, bareback sex, and recklessness. where a quarter of you end up hiv-positive because nobody has learned how to talk to one another or give a shit about knowing their status or using condoms either in the heat of the moment or as part of having safer sex.
and instead of blaming yourselves, you'll blame others, until you hopefully realize how fucked
up the "community" is, and start living a more productive and meaningful life.
but fuck it, it's pride and we all know what that is about, right?
going out, buying shit, getting wasted, buying more shit, getting more wasted, angry, annoyed,
horny, stupid, redundant and ugly.
well, not so much. it's about stonewall. it's about resistance. it's about a memory and
celebrating a time when queers were brave enough to stand up and fight against the system in hopes of thriving and forming their own unique culture. stonewall was a riot! not another dreadful, self-loathing party in the gentrified Castro district while watching your "It gets better" video and pretending that you're actually doing something and actually helping GLBT youth when you're just giving them the stock quote that EVERY KID-even straight kids-get when school isn't going so well or when they're being bullied.
Someone like Dan Savage who is a primadonna media whore that does not like bisexuals, people with HIV/AIDS, or Trans people is the last person we need representing gay men and GLBT Americans in the media. Meanwhile he posts bullshit like this trashing bisexual youth/young adults. Yeah Dan, "It gets better" for you and your husband!
Savage is a tool, media whore, jumps on any bandwaggon-Started his whole "It gets better"
project not to actually help GLBT youth but to self promote he and his husband and get an MTV reality TV show with crocodile tears claiming that he's for GLBT rights when in reality he
hates HIV+ people, bisexuals, and trans people and his "advice" column writings and podcasts on these subjects show his hate.
Then again he did start the It gets better project not to actually help GLBT teens/youth (all while trashing bisexuals like he is still doing now) but he started It gets better just for self promotion to get a reality TV show on MTV, and because he's a media whore who can't resist jumping on any bandwagon or saying or doing anything as long as it gets him any sort of attention or media/press coverage.
Nobody reading this article is fooled Dan even if you want to deny and pretend that you're not
biphobic and never have been which is pure bullshit.
Dan can claim he's not biphobic and never has been but we'll let this hypocritical lying sack
of shit named Dan Savage speak for himself in his own words and show how he's biphobic. ;)
One thing that really pissed me off about this page (being angry at something Dan writes is unusual for me, I normally don't have passionate views on his writing, even if I agree or disagree) is that a part is written as if it's somehow our fault that people lie about themselves. What the fuck. Especially as far from all of those who do realize they are. There are a lot of people who do not have their sexuality strongly defined only a few years into these new emotions. Hell, there are a lot of people who still are confused being far older than Dan Savage. It should not be wrong for people to try to make sense of their feelings (not that Dan ever said so, just that his wording was very belittling). I am well aware of that I am freakishly lucky to not have to go through any confusing periods like that in my life, I guess that's the only upside to suppressing oneself while still being openminded and always having read a fuckton of science and info since kindergarden is that. But I have met too many people who have to struggle because of them trying too hard to fit labels onto themselves. Dan usually does not phrase that sort of stuff this stupidly. It is not our fault assholes lie, even if it is for understandable reasons, nor should it matter what they claim. Accept them at face value and learn to live with that people seemingly change a lot throughout their lives. If someone says they are bi at 16 and then not when they are 26, that means this and only this: for a while they said they were bi, for whatever reason which you may or may not become privy to. It does not mean that people who claim they are bi at 16 do not know wtf they are talking about, any more/less than someone claiming to be straight at that age. There are a lot of people who claim straightness at 16 but not at 26, that does not somehow mean straightness is to be belittle either, so don't be a leotard about it when it comes to any sexuality.
There are to many straight people who intentionally and unintentionally belittle other sexualities already, anyone else doing the same has just as an awful effect, and is even more painful.
First off, yay @63, @74 and @75: seeing the point, even if there's some problematic language in there.
I'm sum it up for the rest of you who feel the need to point out how many hyphens you have in your name, or that your relationship/sexuality credentials need to be proven:
It's about visibility. This is pretty much the ongoing message to the rest of the letter-salad group since there's been a movement.
And bisexuals "vs." trans-...
@Whoop di do: THANK YOU for giving me the words to use now - "bisexuality accommodates this - the idea is that we're attracted to our own sex and to other sexes. THAT is the "bi" in the term, not "men and women."
I've caught unholy hell from trans friends for identifying as 'bi' and not shifting to a less comfortable 'pansexual' or 'omni' or whatever terminology someone else thinks should be put over my head.
How does this make me bi-phobic? It's a visceral, natural reaction and I can't get past that so why should I pretend otherwise and try to date bi women.
@87-I've seen the point too. Dan is being his usual biphobic self.
I do agree with what you wrote in the "Bisexual" vs "Trans/pansexual" part of your post. I've noticed that some Trans people will say how if you want to date or have a sexual attraction towards Trans people that you're "Pansexual" or "Omnisexual" when I consider Trans people to be men or women (depending on their gender) and like someone else wrote calling them a "3rd gender" is transphobic and just shows how you don't understand what it's like to be trans.
11, 13, 22, 23, 32, 33, 44, 51, 55, 64, 65, 74, 81, and 87 for their thoughtful responses.
No, I'm not telling you my orientation.
That's nobody's business unless I'm dating them.
So nyeah, Dan. ;P
He seems to have no knowledge/recognition of people who come out as gay/lesbian first, then transition to bisexual, pansexual, or queer identities. Maybe he doesn't see or hear it happen because he hangs with his own gay clique--but those kind of coming out stories are pretty common in the bi community. It goes both ways, Dan.
Then there are those who engage in breeder sex after they come out gay/lesbian and they still identify as gay/lesbian. Who knows why--maybe the sexual attraction is there but not the emotional/romantic element. Or maybe the stigma of making their fluid sexuality visible through using another identity is too scary and complicated for them. Maybe dealing with the biphobia of the gay community, on top of the homophobia of the straight community, is just too darn much. So they shut up about it. Certainly, gay identified men who engage in a bit of breeder sex are not going to tell any biphobic gay friend like Dan about their feelings, because they already know how Dan feels about bisexuals. And they probably also know that Dan thinks pussy is gross--like a split open can of ham.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was no more fear and shame over who was fucking who? Wasn't that the original intention of Gay Liberation? Wouldn't it be great if gays, lesbians and bisexuals could share their stories with each other, to realize our diversity but also help each other get over the fear and shame? And then we could all take some time to listen to transgender and genderqueer people and learn from their struggles. We could finally stop fearing each other. And we could develop really enlightened leaders and spokespersons for the LGBTQ.
Then things would really get better.
Of course Dan is stuck in a Pre-Kinseyian view on human sexuality and spends too much time in the Gay Ghetto and suburbs.
I've seen this poor excuse for an "article" reposted and bigoted gay men are telling bisexuals that they're "ranting" when they show how Dan Savage is bigoted and biphobic.
There are a whole shit load of latent bisexuals masquerading around as gay men because they are ignorant of the fact that bisexual doesn't only mean an equal attraction to both genders, that you don't have to fall in love or want a relationship with both genders in order to be bisexual, or they're too scared to admit it because they've invested so much of their time and energy cultivating a gay identity.
Also there are some gay men like Dan Savage who are highly bigoted towards bisexual men. Just like there are some lesbians who dislike bisexual women and trans women. These factors are also reasons why men and women who are bisexual yet call themselves gay or lesbian do not want to come out.
The dirty little secret that never gets addressed in the so called "gay" world is the fact that many gay men do go through a second coming out and re-identify as bisexual. These men may still overwhelmingly prefer men, but their orientation and identity are not exclusively towards men. And how their attraction to both sexes manifests differently as well. The ridiculous protest that "well sexual attraction to a woman just happened that one time, it doesn't mean anything, it's not going to happen again" belies the fact if you really were gay it wouldn't have happened in the first place and to now assume that it would never happen again defies basic logic.
It's always weird to be corrected by someone (e.g., Dan Savage) who is wrong in their knowledge of a subject. I've found that if you dare to even allude to someone not being not quite "gay" (in other words bisexual) then you get the typical apoplectic reaction--oh no, no, no, he's gay, he's definitely gay, absolutely, no question about it, and on and on and on. So many gay men are so fucking bi-phobic it's unreal--and it's usually because they don't understand the concept in the first place and they've made no attempt to do so.
I had a Lesbian friend, who wondered what the "big deal" was about boys. So, I agreed to be her "lab rat" that she could play with, and now she identifies as bisexual. She still likes girls more than boys. So what? She set me up on a date with a really cute boy. He was more into boys than into her, things worked out.
Seriously Dan, go fuck yourself.