Pullout Sep 19, 2012 at 4:00 am

A Guide to America

Aaron Bagley

Comments

1
Lindy West, you are a national treasure. You made me snort coffee thru my nose today. Thank you for bringing such joy into my life! You're one of the few locals I dig (except you left).
2
Your Country
A Guide to America
(a hurried humor piece lacking in the essential element: humor)
3
Uh, I drink lattes. I didn't even know what an Americano was, I had to google it.
4
There is no Sears Tower.
5
Lindy West, you complete me. Don't ever stop.
6
@1 - I concur strongly.
@2 - Sorry, but it's hilarious, and you just don't get it.
@3 - Milk is disgusting. Ever ponder on how you're driking baby cow juice? Americano FTW. (I'll spot you cheese, though. Delicious.)
7
Fuck the generalization that straight white guys are vacuous and/or entitled. That's right. Fuck it. It's insulting. It trivializes the efforts I've expended to achieve things. And it accuses me of being unaware and subjugating because of my sexual orientation, race, and sex. That shit isn't acceptable. Grow up.
8
That was a winner, Lindy!
9
"You will hear that it rains a lotโ€”it does, but it rains more in Miami."

Miami has more water (59.7 in) than Seattle (35.9), but Seattle has 24 more days of measurable precipitation at 155 per year. Also, you get 1.9 days of sun for every day of rain in Miami. In Seattle, you get less than one day of sun for every day of rain.

Seattle ranks fifth nationally in number of rainy days. (Anchorage is first. Second, third, and fourth are all in the Northwest.) When people say that it rains a lot in Seattle, it really does. They aren't talking about raw inches. They are talking about dreary days.
10
I thought when Lindy went to Jezebel we didn't have to pretend her schtick was funny anymore?

PS: Super big props on the ironic racism associated with native Hawaiians.
11
Lindy, you forgot in your description of the PNW that it includes *humorless* sad white people. See @2, @3, @7, @9 for details.
12
And @10. Which was perfect. Simply perfect example of the classic uptight Seattlelite. Thanks for making my point!
13
South Dakota is not the mountains. Most of South Dakota is mind-searingly flat. Watch-your-dog-run-away-for-four-days flat. Try-to-make-a-360-degree-panorama-by-stitching-together-a-bunch-of-pictures-but-the-software-can't-find-enough-distinct-features-to-put-them-together-yes-this-actually-happened-to-me flat. Then waaaay over on the western edge, there's the Black Hills. Not the Black Mountains. The Black Hills.

Also, everyone's Lutherans.
14
(Also: miss yooooouuuuu, Lindy!)
15
#7, you're missing the point. It isn't that straight white males are vacuous and entitled because they're such, it's that if you meet someone who actually claims there isn't a real difference between voting "D" and "R" in this election, there is a good chance are they are a SWM (or are under the thumb of one) because it's tough to be a non-SWM be one and not see how much you have to lose.
16
@4: it's been a long time since Chrysler was headquarted on 42nd st too.
17
Dear Paul,

While you're pretty much spot on in your "A Guide to the 2012 Election" regarding presidential politics, you are glossing over the perhaps the most important parts of the upcoming election: Congress and local offices.

You should consider an update explaining that congress holds the purse strings, makes the laws, and allows or denies the appointments of the federal judiciary and those who do the figuring while president is the figurehead.

Also, state and local offices are where many of the worst and most damaging policies are coming from.

Thanks.
18
Who do I love reading? Lindy and Paul. Too good.
19
@7 - get over yourself big fella. The piece wasn't directed at you personally, although it was apparently a little too subtle. The point is if you are of the demographic least likely to have encountered bias and poverty, and most likely to have experienced privilege and security then you are statistically more likely to fall prey to shifty characters like Ralph Nader and Ron Paul.
20
@7 - get over yourself big fella. The piece wasn't directed at you personally, although it was apparently a little too subtle. The point is if you are of the demographic least likely to have encountered bias and poverty, and most likely to have experienced privilege and security then you are statistically more likely to fall prey to shifty characters like Ralph Nader and Ron Paul. Oh yeah - or Ayn Rand.
21
@7 - get over yourself big fella. The piece wasn't directed at you personally, although it was apparently a little too subtle. The point is if you are of the demographic least likely to have encountered bias and poverty, and most likely to have experienced privilege and security then you are statistically more likely to fall prey to shifty characters like Ralph Nader and Ron Paul. Oh yeah - and Ayn Rand.
22
Hey, I was just at the Integratron a few weeks ago. Does this mean I'm an official California scenester now? Thank god, I've been totally unhip since leaving Seattle!
23
Every single person in Washington state could vote for Captain Kangaroo for President and it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

Local elections are another story of course, but there is literally NO POINT in voting for president if you live in Washington State.
24
Lindy and Paul--YOU ROCK!!!!
Keep it up!
25
I think it's mandatory to mention "Spam" when you talk about Hawaii
26
Lindy West your version of the USA is just as insightful as the writer of "50 Shades of Gray" is about life in Seattle. The point I am trying to make is that you have never been nor lived in these places and wikipedia does not make you an expert nor satirically funny when it comes to the juvenile mock-up that you reprinted. Was it out of laziness that you promote equally lazy habits in college students that you oh-so dramatically loathe??? Also I think your interpretations on Jezebel are lazy and un-inspired as well but what can you do when you are forced to only follow "celebrity" news because that is what feminists crave more of??? You surely must be content that you are fighting the good fight. Go HUSKIES!!
27
Hey now, Alaska has SOME leftists. Just not enough :(
28
26: Aww, look: another person who's managed to be so idiotic, even "humor" is too complicated a subject for them to grasp.

You poor soul, forever failing to see the differences between actual travel guides and humor pieces.
29
The marginal-whiner, sixty-dimensional chess of milquetoast liberal politics is what pisses off this straight (impoverished) white (working class) guy. We don't have a coherent political process that includes debate and compromise, and sanity, but an oligarch's orgy where odd policy cast-offs for groundlings are presented as courageous achievements.

It used to be that progressive advances came from a wild jungle of ideas and devil-may-care determination. Now we've reached the apogee of multiculturalism, where failure is success and oppression doesn't matter as long as its resume passes muster. Liberals are a joke because they can't admit how impoverished our political discourse has become, instead engaging in gross self-deception. Those who refuse to join in are swatted with an ideological handbag.

For issuing a political primer that exemplifies Seattle's rep for passive-aggressive cluelessness, Paul Constant just earned his dipshit credential. If Martin Luther King were here, Paul, he'd smack you in the head.

Please wait...

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