Bethany Jean Clement's Guide to Immoderate Drinking

Advice About Hangovers, Vomiting, and Generally Going Too Far

Comments

1
In college I mastered the polite cleanse. Duck into a noisy bar bathroom, hork as quickly as possible, daintily clean up any spillover and then have a drink at the faucet and some mouthwash.

If you get to the point of vomming and don't have anything to do the next day, just drink water and stay up playing Angry Birds. It's better to be out of commission until 2pm because you stayed up late than to be out of commission until 5pm because WOO BODY SHOTS WOO
2
@2 That's the puke and rally.
3
the best hangover mitigation is to drink as much water as possible before going to sleep/passing out. Don't drink so much of it that you make yourself puke, but try to get at least 32 oz in you. I usually try to double that amount. Wait on the ibu, aspirin, alleve what have you until the next morning. Your liver has enough to deal with with the booze no need to beat it up any further.
4
Oh dear, don't recommend advil (Ibuprofen) to people with a hang over. Ibuprofen reduced blood flow to the kidneys which are already highly stressed from being dehydrated from being hung over. Your kidneys are already doing a lot of work to pee out the alcohol that your liver has processed.

You are actually going to hurt someone giving fucking medical advice when you are wrong. Before you chime in saying that you or someone you know has been doing it for years remember that you are giving advice to a broad audience and most people with poor kidney function don't even know it.
5
and please don't drive. we beg you. we love you. get a cab, or sleep on the lawn. but please don't drive.
6
If you must drive, obay the speed limit, put both hands on the wheel and stay exactly in the middle of the two lines on the road. Remember to signal before turning and definitly check your blind spots. Also, stay on back roads as much as possible.

It is also a good idea to your twitter feed to find the location of that evenings DUI trap. Good luck.
7
Additionally, if you are new to alcohol, I would recommend drinking with more experienced people that you trust. Do not experiment with a group of people who have never drank before. Also, it would be a good idea if you can have a friend or two remain sober for the night (you can even alternate different nights or set up a rotation).
8
I can't believe you didn't assign Brissey to the one topic he's actually qualified to write about
9
Omit the drug of any form for a hang over. Hydrate with fluids and herbals and eat a healthy meal that's full of fluids as well. Minudo or lentil soup or a big fat nasty salad from hell's kitchen works well.
Most of all and most important it's your first hardcore lesson on moderation so set a limit and force yourself to live cloak and dagger by it as being a young whipper snapper you may be able to drink like a fish but your organs and hemofunkary are at battle trying to function normally.
When your traped on the floor and can't get up because the ceiling is spinning too fast you really need to be more intelligent and drink less.
10
Bethany missed my favorite euphemism: praying to the porcelain god.
11
I've found the most effective hangover cures (barring prevention, of course) is a dip in the ocean. Unfortunately, that is also one of the least accessible hangover cures if one doesn't live on the coast.
12
absolutely avoid Tylenol when drunk. Not enough people realize that Tylenol is processed by the liver, and you could be doing permanent damage to your liver if you combine alcohol and Tylenol.
13
Sex only works while you're having it. I'm pretty surprised you didn't mention the healing powers of Marijuana, I ALWAYS keep a secret stash in case I over-indulge. Weed is the ONLY thing that brings true relief. relaxes me enough to get me back to sleep it through.
14
@3: 3 aspirin and pint of water before sleep has saved me from serious hangovers for 20 years. and i can get one from 2 manhattans - fucking congeners. delicious delicious congeners.

but with this combo, i've woken up drunk, but not hurting.
15
Vomiting tip for newbies: don't vomit in the sink! When you're rushing into the bathroom, one receptacle might seem as good as another. Always go for the toilet. Puking in the sink is a sure way to be an asshat because the chunks don't go down the drain.
16
As we all know, drinking --> dehydration --> hating everyone. However, there IS such a thing as too much water, which can cause damage to your kidneys and heart as your blood volume increases and your internal filtration system gets overloaded. Lots of water, but not TONS of water, kids.
17
Oh, also! Ibuprofen > Aspirin > Tylenol. Aceteminophen (tylenol) is HELL on your liver - and so are those four jagerbombs you did to rally at 2 am so you could ... drink MORE!
18
@10 - Liquid Laughter