I am in a similar situation. Thanks to living in Seattle, I dont have to hide it or feel ashamed about it and I am over the moral BS. But as far as my daughter is concerned, and she's seen my protopipes and will remember the smell when she groks it eventually, my position is somewhere between Chef's "Kids, there's a time and place for drugs, it's called college" and the usual stance about alcohol. I feel for the first time in my life I can be upfront about it, and dont feel like not being that way with my ten year old.

My parents didn't hide it, ever. Put me off pot forever. I guess it depends on how functional a potsmoker you are: if you are a total loser on pot, there is no better way to inculcate disgust for pot in your kids than smoking around them. But, if you seem okay on it, then kids MIGHT get the message that they too will be fine smoking a ton of pot every day.

You can't call yourself a good parent if you can't talk to your kids, honestly, about what you do.

As my daughter has grown up we have been very open an honest with her about everything-including sex and drugs. She and I are at a point in our relationship where I can openly say things like " you know its time to trim your bangs when you singe them lighting your pipe"

the way i handle it is to just say that pot belongs in the same category as alcohol, as opposed to meth and heroin, and that moderation is the key when you're legally old enough to partake. i've got one kid who i'm sure will at least try it, if not embrace it, and one who i'm convinced won't touch it for many years to come, if at all. and i'm okay with both. as far as them knowing my personal history and/or current usage, that can wait - one of my fondest memories was that hilarious "ok, now, tell me all the wacky shit you hid from me back in the day" conversation between me and my mother after the statute of limitations was up. i hope that my kids don't run away screaming from every scandalous situation they are presented with, yet i also hope that they delay until they're old enough to know what they're doing. it's a difficult thing to effectively communicate and still think of yourself as a great parent, but it's there - thank you aham for writing this!

Perfect timing on this article! We have always been a house where we wouldn't back up the DARE claims that pot was completely evil, but I also always underscored that mind-altering stuff screws up developing brains. My 13-year-old just asked me the other night--Dad, when was the last time you smoked pot?" I realized--this was the big moment, do I deceive or tell the truth? I went with truth, I said..."Well, I haven't smoked for...I don't know, a long time." He picked up on my tone. "So, you DO do it? You never stopped? How do you take it--do you eat it?" Me--"Um yeah, I do it. I use a vaporizer which is much less nasty on your lungs." Silence, for awhile. I let it hang. He was kind-of upset, as a secret had just been revealed. I said, "Listen, you don't know about it because I never do it around you." And I underscored that it is harmless for adults and dangerous for kids, just like alcohol (though not nearly as awful as alcohol can be). The result was that he realized everything is just the same as always, except now he knows that there is one more subject that we can be totally open about. Win-win.

Fuck the haters, you're a good father and a clever writer. Thanks for sharing.

It's a hard thing, life. You do your best. But take this to the bank . . . your brain never stops growing. The wiring and rewiring of your brain continues until you have no breath. Every experience rewires us in its image--and the 'weed' experience is a powerful one. Be sensible.

Nicely wrought. What's your band? (I'm a trumpet player, too)

I suddenly feel so much better because I've definitely never gotten so high that I wanted to interrupt my sleeping kid to share a high-dea (your mom sounds hilarious though)

i have a 3yr old son and i toke occasionally... ok more than weekly but less than daily. anyhow, this has also been a question for me. in theory i buy into the openness and honesty thing (though it's tough because i grew up in a conservative catholic household) however there is one aspect of the this scenario that worries me:



federal law and cps do not recognize our state's legalization.

@upchuck how does state cps not recognize it?

@3, Really? So I'm not a good parent unless I tell them I like to fuck mommy up the poop shoot? Or that sometimes we fuck other people? Or that sometimes even though we love them, we hate them a little.

I don't actually have kids but while I wouldn't want to make a habit of lying to my children it's idiotic to think I have to tell them everything.

Seriously, @3? Seriously? Thanks for beating me to the punch, @15.

I think it's probably worth looking into your substance use in general. If you're too hung over to interact with your kids on a regular basis, that sounds like a problem. If you need to use drugs every day to function and not have panic attacks, that sounds like a problem. I'm no puritan, but I am concerned about those who are dependent on drugs and alcohol to function. You sound like a caring father, but this article is so full of justifications it's obvious you know something's wrong with your life. (The PBR was free, I had no choice!)

Great article, one I've just shared with numerous friends. Mr. Oluo sounds like a good father with a deep and solid commitment to raising his children. Wrestling with the stigma of pot smoking, he brings us humor and wisdom in the same way Louis CK does - honestly without flinching and he leaves us with a smile. Well written and totally appreciated.

My mom smokes a lot of weed. she always has. i grew up with no idea, and smoked maybe three times in high school, always afraid that i was SO getting busted. In college, I found out that she could smoke me under the table and meant it when she told me to "bring it home so we can try it together" if I was ever offered drugs (I always assumed it was an evil parental plot to get me in trouble). I'm a parent now myself and smoke MAYBE once a month.

My two youngest brothers both grew up completely ware of how much our mom smoked - she stopped trying to hide it in any way. By the time they were young teens they were sharing joints with my mom at the kitchen table. They have a much more fraught relationship with pot, and had a much harder time staying in college and becoming functional adults, while my other brother and I are infrequent smokers with pretty good impulse control, good jobs and stable relationships. I think that you're totally in the right to keep it from your girls, at least for a little while. In our small case study, the two of us who grew up afraid of getting caught smoking made out better than the two of us who could ask my mom for weed.

That said: one of my fondest memories is the first (and only) time that my whole family - my pothead mom, my generally teetotaling-unless-he's-at-a-mountain-biking-fest-dad, my three little brothers and me - smoked together, before my wedding. Maybe someday you'll be there too.

@14 I'm sorry that I can't cite where I read about cps following protocols etc that were more influenced by federal law or old policies... but I know I've read it somewhere. Maybe the stranger. Along those lines what about a divorce custody battle? I'm sure a pot toking habit could be a liability for a parent in that situation. Hopefully I never have to test the waters there!

Also race issues are interesting to me here... (Who am I kidding? I know the strangers readers are all white!). I've always assumed the black folks would be more open to toking I suppose because I view them as getting shafted more often by the system and therefore more likely to say "fuck it I'll do whatever I want rather than conform to your bullshit". But recently a black friend told me he would be more inclined to discourage pot smoking for his kids because they could face more trouble - even murder by cop - for smoking weed. Any other black or brown folks out there care to comment specifically about how their race might influence how they approach pot with their kids??