Pullout Jun 22, 2011 at 4:00 am

It's Not a Recipe for Happiness

Comments

1
I thought I was tired of this topic, but the writing on this is superb. A high quality memoir that happens to make a good point. Thanks!
2
Thank you for this. I feel like one of those bi guys who wants to experiment and it's nice to hear the other side, from someone who represents the person I would want to experiment with. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just hate feeling like I missed something, and being with a girl, I can't know what that thing is unless I try. I'll definitely consider other's feelings more, now, and be really upfront with whoever I meet.
3
Thanks for layin' the guts out on the table. In my experience, the cult of the str8 (let's not forget the 8) acting is the agent of a second wave of (internal) gay repression. It led to many attempts on my part to repress my feminine side. Lately I've been so bored by str8 looking relationships, including str8 looking gay relationships, that it's incomprehensible to me why anyone would consciously choose such a banal, Betty Crocker, rigidly gender driven life. Isn't the point of the sexual revolution (ancient history that it now is) to open up the question of gender? It sucks that in most of our cases magazines beat us to the punch and made up what we thought was sexy for us, but that's how the industry works. Thanks for confirming that we might not always be haunted by what we think we want.
4
I think "straight guys" who fool around or sleep with gay guys aren't actually straight, but either closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys.
5
UH, why the M's cap. I think M's fans come in all varieties. Really? That's the Starnger's symbol of "straight?" An M's cap. Lame.
6
Bill, what simple illustration would you suggest to represent a straight guy? I'm curious.
7
I gots no idea, but why a Mariners cap?
8
"it's incomprehensible to me why anyone would consciously choose such a banal, Betty Crocker, rigidly gender driven life"

It's always refreshing to see that gay people can be assholes, too.
9
I'm glad to see that someone from the cult of straight guys/straight acting guys not only find happiness but with a gay-acting guy no less. I'd like to shove this article in the face of zillions of fellow gays I've had to defend myself against as a gay guy who likes gay-acting guys.

Even though I have no attraction to women (believe me, I tried so hard to as a teenager) I've had gay guys tell me I mustn't really be gay because I prefer softer, more androgynous, and more feminine acting guys to the ever-adored big butch football jock. And so many gay guys act like there is something wrong with you in general if you like guys who act more like the typical or stereotypical guy of the gay community rather than the typical or stereotypical straight guy. So, I'm a weirdo for being a gay guy who actually likes other guys like us rather than ones I can never have? How self hating of a reaction is that?

I started my life as a knowingly gay person in a stereotypically hateful and closeted midwestern middle and high school in the 80s and 90s. I started out my life only being attracted to straight acting people too... I think that was all I knew and when I got around gay-acting gays it was just too different at first to be attracted to. But it really grew on me.

And it makes sense for my personality. Why shoudl I worship at the alter of hunters, jocks, military personnel, SUV drivers, or whatever else the gay guy cult-of-the-straight-acting worships? I'm not interested in any of those things but am more interested in music, art, fashion, cuddly animals, and lots of other things that attract gay-acting and feminine people, so why change to become more attracted to superbutch straight acting people the way self-hating gay conformists and more-normal-than-thou gays demand?
10
@5 I think that's because it has an "S" on it. As in, "S" for "Straight". It probably could have been thought out a little better.
11
...um, You're Doing It Wrong!
"Sexuality being a spectrum..." "hinted he wasn't 100 percent straight" "closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys"...??? really?
Just have fun and be safe. Happy pride.
http://tinyurl.com/fivepmcruise

oh yeah, Go Mariners
12
it's an M's Logo cap, I believe, and the S stands for Seattle. I'm just wondering if this is a Stranger editorial comment about the lesbian kissing incident at the safe....
13
Bill, I asked because one of the most common thought of straight traits is liking sports. A baseball cap is something a straight (or a straight actin gay) sport lovin guy would wear all the time. Yes, fem gays might love baseball and the Ms but in the case of the article it works. It's a good visual for comparing straight acting guys to fem acting guys (who like fashion, shopping.) The team doesn't matter, we just live in Seattle. Does that make sense, unless I'm completely missing why you are butt hurt over the cartoon? Especially since you cant come up with a better symbol.
14
"you get to brag to gay friends that you slept with a straight guy."

Brag? I can't even bring myself to start on the nature of the "friendships" in question.
15
@ nuh_uh re: "asshole"ness : I'm sorry if u felt in some way judged, was just honestly expressing my reaction to something I don't understand.

Actually never mind, I AM an asshole. fuck it. (pardon the pun, or don't)
16
"I've always fought the accusation that being into "straight-acting" guys means I'm self-hating, means I'm slightly homophobic, but desiring something you will never have (and in many ways, desiring something you will never have is easier than desiring what's possible) is definitely self-hating."

Substitute "masculine" for "straight-acting" and you pretty much have the definition of what the ultimate gay guy is: a man who's attracted to other men. There's nothing self-hating about that unless you make it so.

You need to read Aristophanes' speech on love in the Symposium.

"But they who are a section of the male follow the male, and while they are young, being slices of the original man, they have affection for men and embrace them, and these are the best of boys and youths, because they have the most manly nature."

"[T]hey are valiant and manly, and have a manly countenance, and they embrace that which is like them. And these when they grow up become our statesmen, and these only, which is a great proof of the truth of what I am saying."

The whole effeminate gay man thing is a cultural artifact. It says absolutely nothing whatsoever about sexual orientation. To Aristophanes, we were the most masculine, the most virile men out there, which only goes to show how different ancient Athenian culture was from our own.
17
"I think "straight guys" who fool around or sleep with gay guys aren't actually straight, but either closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys. "

Maybe this article is parody? Otherwise the author is deeply deluded...
18
Eh, this was a share you should have kept to yourself. You're not a good writer, and aren't particularly bright. Not a "hater," just honest.
19
Uh... @16
In general, I'd be wary of quoting Aristophanes as support for anything, because Aristophanes is pretty much always Smarter Than You. I went and read the speech, and I cannot for the life of me tell how much he was joking. The fact that they never executed him really demonstrates the level of culture that Athens reached.
Which is not to say that your point about effeminacy is wrong.
20
Straight guys don't fuck men, except in prison, etc. I think it is called situational homosexuality. My sexuality is pegged to the straight end of this "spectrum" I keep hearing about. The idea of fucking a guy is about as ludicrous to me as the idea of fucking a car or a couch or something. In other words, there is zero interest. So to the author, all those "straight" guys you were fucking/cuddling, they simply weren't straight.
21
Isn't the point of the sexual revolution (ancient history that it now is) to open up the question of gender?

---------------

Nope, it isn't. The point was to allow people to have sex with who they want to, when they want to, and how they want to.
22
Great comment @21
23
something that stands out for me is you saying you were with this guy for years and he would say that it was just the two weeks you were banging.

He probably didn't think he was with you even for those two weeks.
24
Why can't straight guys have that one man who does it for them?

How many girls in college get drunk and have sex with each other, then go on to lead completely heterosexual lives? No one says that they're closeted lesbians or bisexuals, they just call it "experimentation".

A guy wants to have sex with a guy just to see what it's like, and suddenly he's not straight anymore. I don't get it.
25
Here's why you've been failing up till now:
-When you first meet a straight hottie, you immediately start trying to work out how to get him into bed.
-Instead of taking the time to build trust, and put him at ease with you, you barge right in like a dog in heat, and scare him off. Remember, the biggest barrier here is not you, it's HIS mind.
-You fail to respect that he's a person, and not just a piece of meat. Even if you have to fake it, respect is everything.
-Instead of aiming to find new friends, you go out looking for an easy lay. When you make sex a secondary consideration, you can get the lust, and that helps you to build relationships. Once you've done that, you will find that your attentions are welcomed, rather than greeted with suspicion.
26
So much brilliantly sincere, intelligent, and caring commentary. You're making me miss Seattle a little bit more. Good job, Dan.
27
I had an interesting response as a straight woman when reading your editorial and that was basically "yeah, I have had this happen to me, too." My point is that alot of men are difficult to connect with and when you are physically and mentally attracted to men, you find often find that their limits get in the way long before yours do. I don't think it is self-hating to be attracted to straight men, I think it is challenging because straight men have alot of sexual power at their disposal and it is often difficult for them to manage it in a way that is anything but hurtful to others. If you are sexually attracted to a certain type of person, it is difficult to deal with the fact that they may not be in a huge supply for you. I think that is the real essence of the problem.
28
This article is stupid. Actual straight/hetero guys don't have sex with other men, and don't seek out male sexual partners to beat off with or have other types of sex with. We're not talking about prison here or forced illegal sex either.

I agree with the other commentators that any guy who claims that he's 'straight' yet wants to have or has sex with men is either bisexual or gay but in denial or even closeted about his sexuality.

It's rather tiresome hearing about how gay men practically worship straight men and some of my gay male friends have told me how their number 1 sex fantasy is to actually have sex with a real staight/hetero guy.

The only queers who actually do have sex with straight people are bisexual men who have sex with straight women, or bisexual women who have sex with straight men.

Please wait...

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