Job well done, Dan!

LW#1 is a complete idiot and in a tiny minority among advice-column readers. I hope s/he never stumbles across Captain Awkward. But I bet Dan had fun with the challenge!

Why do you let some random fuckwit tell you how many words to use, Dan.
Your answers are half the fun.
Or most of the fun, as mostly the letters are not fun.

I can do this in four words too.

LW1: Fuck you, moron!

SLASH if this is making you uncomfortable come clean to the Second Life guy. Tell your happily married and have desire to pursue this relationship outside of the game. Sadly this may end things between you but that's better than unintentionally leading the guy on.

That's three words, Ricardo.

@ 6 - I counted LW1 as a word. (As a translator, I charge per word, and LW1 would count as one for me).

Right. Well here in the non translator world, LW1 does not count as a word.
Cause I cyber- love you, I'll let it pass.

If it's not a word, LW1, then what is it.
Forget I said anything.

Dan! Your response to KISSES was in the passive voice! Any writer worth his salt knows that passive voice is to be avoided even more than cliches.

I'd write the kinkster, HELPMA.

If HELPMA runs into her good friend's husband at a kink party, is she supposed to leave the party so as not to embarrass the guy?

I think if he showed his face openly on Fetlife then I'd write him through the site, say who i am, and ask if he wants to talk. I would encourage him to tell his wife himself.

If he didn't post a face pic, then I would tell myself I was "mistaken." But if I saw him at a local party I'd still go up and say hi.

With HELPMA, is it relevant that the cheating husband isn't very personable? I think not.

@ 10 - It has been said that the passive voice is to be avoided, but if there is an actual basis for that assertion, it has never been satisfactorily explained to me.

OK...
LW1-KISSES: You're a moron and would be right at home in Monty Python's Upper-Class Twit of the Year contest (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5ba1OKY…), but Dan had fun with the challenge and it's always nice to see something different in SavageLoveLand.

LW2-SLASH: Sheesh...married at 17...can't even imagine. No wonder you're curious and want a little more. Now, slowly repeat after me...SECOND LIFE IS NOT REAL LIFE...you owe NOTHING to your fantasy fucks other than a few minutes of reality escape. Now, of course you must realize that Second Life is also populated to a large extent by disfunctional dweebs (Ooh, I'm gonna get flamed for that) who would rather live in an imaginary cartoon world than deal with actual people and actual relationships. Sorry, LW, you're included in that group too (in my humble opinion). Oh, and the hours (it is hours isn't it?) that you spend nose-to-monitor? Those are hours you don't spend with your husband. I guarantee that will come back and bite you in the ass in the long run, even if you have managed to convince yourself it's made everything shiny and new for the moment. Relationships where you are happier when you are escaping them rather than living them don't last.

P.S. I fess up to a little of that online dweebishness, myself, for the time I spend here. But I'm not pretending to build "relationships" just looking for an outlet for the know-it-all side of my personality.

LW3-MUDDLE: Dan had a great response to another LW whose mother snooped and was aghast at what she found (dildos, I think)...wish I could remember it. Anyway...your mom's an asshole and you just learned a valuable lesson about leaving private thoughts about getting your ass whipped and how much you like it out where any Tom, Dick or Mother could find them (even if they weren't blatantly out in the open, they still weren't in a locked drawer, were they?)

Ms Lava - I'd have given you a rare award of a full half point had you included "No Hetero" in #8. That would have been more fun than I've had for some time.

*****

Kinky Kid - I'm torn between "You got off easily" and "DTMA".

Second Life Wife - "Earn your happy luck".

Your sweetie's got secrets, SLASH.

SLASH wrote: "I've also made it clear I have no intention of meeting anyone from SL in RL, ever." That's a reasonable disclaimer. Your SL sweetie probably has his or her own spouse behind the scenes, or another reason for not wanting to meet. I'd relax and enjoy yourself.

Second try (the first disappeared):

Ms Lava - I'd have given you a rare award of a full half point had you included "No Hetero" in #8. That would have been more fun than I've had for some time.

*****

Kinky Kid - I'm torn between, "You got off easy" and "DTMA".

Second Life Spouse - "Earn your remarkable luck". (Not saying it isn't being earned; perhaps it is, just keeping in the reminder.)

Dan rocks, yet again.

@1nocutename, wins the thread!

@19--so do you, 4-worded delta35!

KISSES is just Dan sock-puppeting to set up an ultra low-maintenance column, right?

KISSES is a dick.
You're sweet to ask, SLASH.
Graduate, then read her, MUDDLE.
Let sleeping dogs lie, HELPMA.
Shout-out to my SLOG family! It's been awhile and I've missed you all.
nocutename @19 FTW (and thank you for the profile picture love a while back)

"Keep It Short, Savage, Expressed Sincerely" is a nut; please don't listen to them. Anyone who doesn't want to hear what YOU have to say shouldn't be reading your column.

I guess it's a nice way to get a lighter-than-usual week for yourself, though. :-)

1- The way I see it “often rehashing the problem” means, “lets make sure we’re both aligned.”

2- do tell them you are married. If cameras are turned on you’ll notice the look on their face is far more intense, their testicles tightening up, and the skin is stretching further…
“I’m married, yet I’m doing this because you make me so horny.” Mmmm…

3- I’m truly sorry for your mother’s reaction and I think Dan’s advice is right. Yet in honor of my very own mother I’d like to mention that once she found out about my secret habits she offered help in more than one way, and promised not to tell anyone regardless of what my choice is.
More than few years after her departure it is obvious she never told anyone despite me choosing regardless.

4- Just pretend, ignore, and all that jazz.

Please do NOT be concise, Dan. I don't come here for that.

Oh yes, ahem. Second Life. That shit broke me. Emotions are amplified on that site in some ways, because you don't have the modulating effects of facial expressions and body language. But it is still very intense (I was always on voice...maybe that was the difference), very intimate, and very real. About a year ago I got involved with someone for casual sex (his idea to keep it casual) and he turned into a stalking (in real life) raging sociopath after a few weeks of "playing." In fact (I can't believe I'm saying this), but I am currently hiding out in an undisclosed location in my hometown because that's how threatening he had become. Now I had had several very wonderful relationships (they are absolutely real relationships, btw) with people in SL before that; Most people are sensible, know the difference between avatars and people, and know how to control their emotions, but boy it can go South very quickly just because, like I alluded to, the protections of direct communication are gone (like the way you instinctually filter out real life crazies by body language and such).

I've had many beautiful sexy relationships in Second Life though. Some of which were ALL fantasy and some of which we got to know each other in real life. You can keep as much distance as you like, SLASH. That's the beauty. And for all you skeptics, come on! Second Life is not "populated to a large extent by disfunctional [Sic] dweebs". I know for a fact it's populated by highly imaginative, interesting people who, when they're feeling sexy, just want to *interact* a little more with the object of their fantasy than porn provides (Also, there's a million things to do: take programming classes, build architectural models, go to AA meetings, etc). I've met several amazing non-dysfunctional people there and will be lifelong friends with them.

SLASH; do you male guys use that as a slang for having a piss, as in having a slash?
SLASH; married at 17, and now at 30, your ripe sexual age, you go where?
I'd be more concerned about why your husband is fine with this. I wonder what his outlet is.
Hi Rhone. We haven't formally cyber met, the others .. esp Venn.. have spoken of you warmly.

You can go to AA meetings there, Sandiai? Sort of like a dating site for the imagination.

Nice to meet you officially, LavaGirl.

MUDDLE; I'm sorry your mother read your journal. That is really not on. Then to blackmail you over it, smacks of jealousy. I'm sure she's read 50Shades and would love some dirty spanking to happen to her.
Agree with Dan, bide your time untill you have finished college, then speak your mind.

For MUDDLE-- Right on up until your mother pulled the invasion of privacy and blackmail shit, you believed you had a mother who cared about you, wanted what was best for you, would defend you against others. In addition to figuring out what to do about this new mother that you realize you've got, you've got a lot of grieving to do for the death of the mother you should have had. Of course you feel sad! But realize that your sadness is less about having to lie to her and more about the normal grieving process. Something that helped me in my grieving process was the realization that even if I had been my mother's ideal of good and normal daughter, my mother would still have been someone who didn't care about me, didn't want what was best for me, and wouldn't defend me or come to my aid. She would still have been someone capable of invasion of privacy and blackmail. That's tough to deal with. I am so sorry.

Keep your long answers, Dan, but I would prefer a much shorter rant at the beginning of the podcast.

Mr Hunter - Had you posted #8 directed at Mr Ricardo, where would you have put "No Homo" (assuming you would have made such an insertion)?

It would have merited a half point as an accumulation of two quarter points - one for turning a not pleasant little habit sideways, and one for acknowledging the orientation of the object instead of that of the subject, a considerable improvement. You could have earned the same half point by saying No Hetero to Ms Jibe, for instance.

Ms Lava - Mr Rhone and Mr Ophian have provided the assembled company with a most exemplary flirtation, which well earned them the split of the roles of Mary and Matthew in Savage Abbey.

(I am sorely tempted to nominate the face Michelle Dockery made when Mary worked out the consequences of Edith's marginal-prospects suitor's suddenly becoming elevated to the rank of marquess as the best moment of the series, even surpassing her boinking the Turkish diplomat to death.)

Mx Wanna @24 re L2 - If I were Miss Woodhouse, I'd likely make a match between you and Ms Erica. What a pity your (pl.) kinks don't seem to align together.

I'm never sure where to rank pretending to cheat. It certainly wouldn't be in Joan Plumleigh Bruce's Top Drawer with gendre deception. Perhaps there's a case to be made that it self-selects those who won't be put out if the truth is ever revealed, but that feels iffy. It also calls to mind the number of episodes of Keeping Up Appearances in which Rose's gentleman friend of the episode betrays her with his wife.

SLASH: If it's bothering you, go ahead and tell the cyberbuddy you're married. If it's not bothering you but you think it should, then remember you aren't doing anything wrong and that cyberbuddy could be married too, for all you know.

But remember it's not real, and you don't know him. Have fun with the fantasy (that's what they're for!) but be careful of investing more in the relationship than it can sustain.

MUDDLE: Don't confront your mother about this until you're self-sufficient. It'll be hard. But get to the point of self-sufficiency as soon as humanly possible. Then, feel free to never interact with that asshole again.

Venn; you've headed into offensive land again.

Sandiai - How does SLASH know that the guy she's cyberfucking isn't a 15 year-old boy or a 65 year-old woman (or vice versa)? Is there a way to know on SL?

I don't want to live in whatever idiocracy LW1 believes we should move to. Dan's articles are hardly too long considering that the letters are usually trimmed to leave the context intact, and his responses are usually quite short.

Get your ADD under control. Learn to read a few paragraphs withoLET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

@21: He's setting us up for Dan's Cocktail Hour blog, where the responses are all and only one-liners!

Lolorhone, I hope you're back to stay for a while; you've been missed.

MUDDLE's mom should be treated as if she had sent her daughter to "gay reparative therapy," as soon as MUDDLE is self-sufficient. If her mom is paying for grad school, stay as distant as possible and bide her time, biting her tongue. After she is finished with grad school, she can either just grow more distant or confront her mother.

Hunter:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_homo

@Sandiai: Wow, that just blows my mind.

@46: Sort of the joke, really.

Hunter78,

I think it’s more about LavaGirl loving Ricardo.

@40, you'd have to use the voice server.

The things people think they're entitled to dictate their preferences about (i.e. KISSES) always boggles my mind.

SLASH - as someone who interacted/was in flirty situations on the Internet a lot and had a couple of online relationships, I wouldn't worry about your SL guy unless he starts asking personal questions (age, appearance, email address, etc) or starts bugging you to meet in RL. I knew plenty of guys - especially teenagers who didn't have much dating experience - who enjoyed flirting with older married women on the Internet. The kids knew it was a safe way to hit on women and not get rejected, and the women enjoyed the attention, but neither really took it seriously. I also used to play poker in an online casino (they gave you fake money to play with, so it was just for fun) where there was a fake wedding chapel where your avatars could get "married," and all the games took place in hot tubs, so flirting and cybersex was pretty rampant. There were a couple of guys I played with regularly there and even "married," but the relationships went no further than that. We never exchanged email addresses or anything, or interacted outside of the casino, and I never heard from them again after I stopped playing that game. So, like Dan said, unless you're chatting with this guy outside of SL, what you're doing is pretty harmless, especially since your husband is okay with it.

The moment people start asking you for personal information is when you should be leery about them. Being an online gamer, I've had (and still do have) plenty of guys try to Friend me just because I'm female. You can tell, because they're the ones who disappear after I tell them I'm in my 30s and married. When people won't take no for an answer, and keep trying to get more details about your RL self, or try to chat with you outside of the game, that's the time to start getting worried about emotional attachment - when I was young and dumb, not knowing this led to my getting into an online relationship where the guy became obsessed with me, especially after we met in RL, and cyberstalked me for a couple of years afterwards.

TL;DR - just keep maintaining your boundaries like you are, and don't get involved with people who get pushy about getting to know the real you rather than your avatar, and you'll be fine.

Ms Cummins (who has perhaps recovered) is correct.

I quite stand by the twin assertions a) that "no hetero" (and again it was the inspiration of an instant, thought up on the fly) is an improvement over "no homo" as punching up, and b) that either phrase is in the highest form when playing to the receiver's orientation and not the giver's.

Now some might well argue that the original phrase is rather vile, but I doubt it's going away anytime soon. This year, I am somewhat amping up mirroring, and the initial results in some spaces have been rather encouraging.

As someone applying to grad school: I'd be thrilled to have any financial assistance at all, nosey prig or no.

How is it ethical to string along the mother for financial aid? There are grants, loans, and assistantships. That's the beauty of adult independence, no?

@51: The issue is that there are plenty of people online who are not sane, in malicious ways and social interactions provide, passively a source for which someone can datamine a million things about you. I've been stalked by a creeper via social media, the person started leaving notes on various places we went to about my spouse and I, started creating slanderously fake social media profiles for me (and others that "crossed their path"), somehow located my building and started leaving messages about how they were going to move in to be with their new "friends". One should be private, but even if you don't share personal information, it won't stop a driven sociopath.

@53: "How is it ethical to string along the mother for financial aid?"

It's far more ethical to gain your independence from a bigot through smiling and nodding than it is to hate who your child is enough to deny them love and support of any type.

The parent is lying to themselves. The child is trying to survive in spite of this.

Sorry Ricardo. Didn't mean for my words to encourage such bullshit.

@53 DC270. Do you really believe Mother believes her daughter's words of remorse about her lifestyle? I don't.
Mother wanted/ needed to humiliate her daughter, after she discovered her child's life was independent, emotionally. So she punished her the only way she could; financially.
Bad mothers of daughters, don't really like to see them grow. Want them
to stay little girls, and non threatening.

Jina @ 51
You mentioned interactions with possible under agers, which made me wonder if any legal issues can arise as a result.
Not a criticism, wish there was such "safe way to hit on women and not get rejected, and the women enjoyed the attention" thing in my days.

HELPMA,
Casually mention that you have created a profile on FetLife and let her find her husband there.

Good one, vab251. Not.
Difficult situation, helpma. I can understand your concern re your daughter, and the friendship with the child's mother.
Maybe start backing the friendship off a bit, get your daughter being with some other children.
Stay out of the marital deceit.

@54 undead ayn rand - I count anything that is not strictly game-related to be personal information, so I'm not sure how anyone can datamine from that? If your SL avatar is a professional cosplayer who prowls the city by night as a catsuited superhero, and in RL you're an accountant with a newborn who lives in smallest-of-small-town Midwest, then keeping in character won't reveal much about yourself, even in casual conversation. Anything they want to know other that's not SL-avatar-related falls under "personal information" in my book, and anything more detailed than "are you married" or "how old are you" shouldn't be discussed. That's what I meant by avoiding people who want to chat with you outside of the game, or ask about the real you. When I play games online, I generally don't even turn on my mic - I'm there to play, not to chat, unless I'm doing a team event and communication is necessary - because I frankly am not interested in getting to know anyone other than whether they are a good player. I assume the same is true for SLASH - she doesn't want to get to know anyone, she just wants fun and sexy playmates. If she sticks to the fun and sexy stuff, and that's all she and the other person wants, there isn't any reason to discuss anything else and she should stay away from people who persist in engaging in real conversations. From the letter, it sounds like she's doing pretty well at maintaining those boundaries.

@59 - the only time a legal matter arose was when it turned out one person was a registered sex offender, and he left voluntarily on the advice of his parole officer. Otherwise, it really was pretty harmless. It was a Dungeons & Dragons-type computer RPG, so everyone had their own character that they created, and stayed in character for the most part - we would stage trivia shows, fake dating games, write fanfic together, that kind of thing. The flirting wasn't really hot and heavy or anything, just stuff along the lines of "Sorry about [incident], here is a rose that matches your beautiful blue eyes." When I was 18 and still part of that community, I had a 13-year-old kid who hung around me for a while, always trying to save my character from dangerous situations. That's about as flirty as it got.

This was almost 15 years ago, way before video games and fantasy were cool, so we were all pretty nerdy. That's why even the flirting was pretty dorky. :D

I would say two things to MUDDLE:

First: Regardless of how the situation with your mother resolves itself, don't go into debt to go to grad school. Get a grant, get a scholarships, get tuition remission by teaching undergrads--or don't go. (This advice could be modified depending on your intended field, but it works for a good 90% of them.)

Second: sometimes parents freak out and are assholes, and sometimes--sometimes--they feel bad and get over it later. I don't think you should lie to your mom or continue the charade that you regret your personal life and intend to change. I would encourage you to not talk about it: "It's none of your business" is a good phrase to practice. And I would also encourage you to be open to the chance that she comes around later (probably by pretending it never happened). Maybe she's a terminal asshole, sure, but maybe she just had a shitty phase and she'll get over it. Stranger things have happened.

Answer in four words
Just as tough as a Haiku
Fingers are handy

@ 57 - Don't worry, Lava. When the conversations take a turn I don't enjoy, I stop reading.

That should be a lesson for us: from now on, let's just no enter into philosophical debates about what constitutes a word.

Jina @62
I'm known to often salivate prematurely

Yes Muddle; when your mom read thru your entire personal journal.. She was having a bad hair day.
On the question of ethics. Did your mom, when she said she'd pay for your studies, put any conditions down.
Like, she'd only pay if you weren't dealing heroin, cutting up and eating local bird life or into BDSM? Did you ever give your mom permission, to read your personal journal?
If she placed no conditions on you getting financial help at the outset, then you're ethically fine taking her money.
If she read your very own personal journal, without your permission, then that will cancel out the lie you were forced to make, because she read it.

Hope I made it

@ciods: don't go into debt to go to grad school...but it works for a good 90% of them

The exceptions being medical school, certain math-intensive areas of computer science (machine learning, distributed computing), and ....?

Veterinarian school? Dentistry? A JD from a top tier law school?

You dick, CMD. Yes.. You made it.

@19: I second that--@1 nocutename gets my vote, too, for winning the thread!
@22 lolorhone: You're back!! Hooray--!!!--you have been sorely missed! It's great to see you and read your comments. Welcome back to the thread, mi amigo.
KISSES: Like Ricardo (@4), I, too, can answer your LW1 in four words: You are a twit. If you don't like Dan's advice, don't read it. If you think you can do better, write your own damn advice column. There. I feel better. Keep rocking on, Dan the Man!
@69 Congrats CMD, too, on hitting the magic number this week!

@71 LavaGirl: Sorry if I'm being irritating for getting a kick out what seems to have become a weekly contest (re: hitting @69).

LavaGirl: It's not exactly earth shaking, but I'm just curious: I have recently noticed that you are addressing me merely as G anymore (instead of Grizelda). Did I piss you off? If so, please accept my heartfelt apologies. Hope all is well your way in Queensland as your autumn equinox soon approaches. Hugs and VW beeps, and may you be blessed with kickass beach weather.

MUDDLE's mom totally sounds like a manipulative, controlling helicopter bitch.
My condolences, MUDDLE. Hope it gets better. Dan's right--just be you.

Okay. I have said plenty for this week----wet, windy weather and tech upgrades have kept Griz a homebody and trying (if that's possible!) to stay out of trouble.
Spring is springing (for those of us above the Equator).

No, of course not Grizelda. I have just used G as a short hand. How you doing?

SLASH - I have heard of undergrad courses, grad courses, and university postdocs. I have not heard of postgrad courses... in America, anyway. I'm going to assume you are in undergrad since you're 21 and you're leaving your journal somewhere your mom could read it.

First, if you are American, don't go to grad school if you're not getting paid for it. By a job, or scholarship, or teaching contract/tuition reimbursement. You can even get a full ride from certain med schools, or work in a needy health area for loan forgiveness, and the military offers a lot of tuition help too. Law school seems to be a joke these days. If you don't have rich parents or great scholarships then you're probably not going to get a great job anyway.

Your parents don't have to continue supporting you by law after you're 18. You don't have to obey their rules after 18 either. The best way to cut the strings attached to their current support is to support yourself. That way, you can do what Dan always recommends, demanding their respect by leveraging your presence in their lives. You need to stop taking their support before you have that leverage. I know people who have worked their way through undergrad, but it almost always means more time before graduation. That's your choice, if you'd like to wait to confront her or take this as a sign that you can't accept her support anymore.

Your mother is making a bad decision. Don't follow in her footsteps, show her what kindness+responsibility look like when you live them. "My sex life is none of your business" works for most adult children I think. It always creeps me out when parents and children don't show good sexual boundaries.

HELPMA - I don't believe we should ignore what we learn about other people just because it involves affairs. I'd treat it similarly to learning a friend blogged about hitting cars in parking lots and not leaving a note. Maybe I'd ask about it and give them the benefit of the doubt, is it because they can't afford it or because they're an asshole? But probably, I'd just back off of a friendship with someone who appears to have very different values. Your daughter may lose some of the closeness of her current friendship, but that can be fixed by promoting a wider social network.
TL;DR I'm with Lava @61

Lava @ 71
I was under the impression that as of last week we refrain from pointing out genitalia and use the non-denominational "asshole" instead.

@Philo, 77: postgrad courses = grad courses. The "grad" in postgrad meaning your undergraduate graduation.

@seandr, 70:
The exceptions being medical school, certain math-intensive areas of computer science (machine learning, distributed computing), and ....?

Veterinarian school? Dentistry? A JD from a top tier law school?

Basically. I think both a law degree and a business degree can be worth the (usually expensive) price-tag for a small set of people, those who are smart and highly motivated. On the other hand, there are plenty of people who try one or the other out of a vague feeling that they can make a lot of money later, and for that subset, the degree probably isn't a good deal. (The same is probably true for med school and vet school, now that I think about it.)

I don't know how much the "top-tier" aspect matters, really. Of course having a degree from such a school opens all sorts of doors, if you can manage to get it. But I think people who go to the best schools are also much more likely to drop out part-way, or have their love for the subject and their own confidence sucked out of them by the process. In which case the debt really isn't worth it. I'm a big fan of "second best is best." I'd say, go to a slightly lower-rated school where you can get a full-ride; be a bigger fish in a smaller pond; learn a lot, and come out of it happy and debt-free.

It might be rather fun if Cheating Lesser Friend #4 turned out to be Wife #2's virtual beau, and one of the LWs changed the Life involved for privacy reasons. If he were also just pretending to cheat and secretly had permission from his wife, then it would really get interesting.

I haven't read anything yet bit I actually disagree a bit with dan re the woman whose mother read her diary.

Yes, mother was a total cad. This is an adult daughter in graduate school. That said, lying so she can squeeze a bit more cash out her mom.... when she's an adult? Already past undergrad? Please. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one.

@Auntie Grizelda...
Ack! Picture book on Bill the Cat coming in September...
Read more at http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainme…

Hun&Ciods - Derp de der.

All of those answers had FIVE words!

DC270 @53: "How is it ethical to string along the mother for financial aid?"
If it's ethics she's worried about, how about the fact that she'll someday repay the investment by covering her mother's health care costs in her old age?

KISSES is Dan. SLASH's cyber sex buddy is also married. HELPMA, I'd message him and say, dude, this isn't cool, you should speak with your wife about this. He probably won't, but at least he may be spurred to cover his tracks better.

Nocute @1: How did you incur the mods' wrath?

@86: BiDanFan, I was trying to do the four-word thing!

If you refer to my sad name change, I was registered as “nocutename” here using a now-defunct email (I initially registered here years and years ago, and long since forgot my password--I keep myself logged in on my computer). That email account/address closed because I inadvertently opened myself up to spam and was getting up to 80 spam messages a day. But since the email wasn't on gmail or yahoo or the like, I literally can't get into that email now. So any messages sent there can't be read by me. Recently, The Stranger seemed to want everyone to reaffirm or change their passwords. I couldn’t do that, because in order to get the link to change the password, you have to get an email from The Stranger. I can no longer access the account/email address I was using when I first created my Stranger account. Using my new email, I had to come up with a new username, because their software recognizes my username and tells me it's taken.

So now I am registered using my current email address with the username “Iwasnocutename.” I've written to the webmaster at least 3 times explaining the situation and asking if I can have my old username linked to my new email address, but I haven't gotten a reply. I keep hoping that people will see the avatar and read my trademark long-winded style, and know it's me.
Maybe at some point the webmaster or moderator will read my message, take pity one me (its' weird to have your identity taken away and denied you), and restore my username. Or I'll just be like Fichu or the ghost of mrj or someone else with a new name.

I think arsehole is also off the list, CMD.
Dick is short for Richard. So, I'll just call you a richard.

youarestilltheoneandonlynocutename @ 87- I had a similar issue, then reregistered using the kinky sex email account.
As we Jews often say, "Never again!"

Thank you for opening up and writing about your experiences on that daily thread. It seems like there's a relatively big crowd in here of people age 40-70 who went through a divorce, myself included, bared the consequences yet managed to move on.
You seem to be one of them and your perspective is well appreciated.

Lava @ 89
As history goes Richard Nixon's mother accompanied him on his first day of school and asked the teacher to “Call him Richard, not Dick.”
That was before “dick” became “asshole.”

Thank you, CMD. I can't simply reregister: The Stranger recognizes the username nocutename and helpfully tells me it's already taken.

I've shared my story many times here over the years and often feel like I will be boring everyone to death if I bring it up again (no doubt Hunter will agree), but then someone accuses us all of acting all morally superior and I decide to spill my guts one more time.

Happy Mardi Gras! Weekend, Sydney.

You'llAlwaysBeNoCute @87: Thanks for the explanation (and your story isn't boring!). I too am registered under a defunct e-mail address and I don't know how to update it. You'd think their tech staff would realise things like, people sometimes change their e-mail address, and people sometimes forget their password, especially on sites like this one where "leave me logged in" is an option. Good luck getting your identity back. (I can relate... had a similar problem on Facebook, whose staff don't understand that sometimes people don't actually go by their birth-certificate names in real life.)

Hunter, LateBloomer: There's some brain dumpage for you on last week's column.

Hi Hunter
I'm not sure what you mean by "ritualized his primary relationship." To me, the fact that DDD and his primary aren't using condoms only means that they (presumably) have had STI tests and trust each other to use condoms with everyone else. Generally, I would endorse this as responsible non-monogamous behaviour, but DDD having so many casual sexual partners would make me very wary if I were his primary. The risk of him catching something from condomed sex with multiple strangers is much higher than, say, my risk of catching something from condomed sex with two or three other ongoing partners, all of whose sexual pasts and presents are well known to me. So it's a risk thing, not just an emotional thing.

Hunter- who's that super hero character you chose as your avatar?

SLASH-

OPSEC is the name of the game. It's suprisingly easy to figure out who someone is and where they work and live, just based off of a few chats, even if they're in character 90% of the time. If it's gone on for years?? The biggest mistake I see people make is having a username that somehow relates to their email address, or using an email address that they have registered for other things online with.
If anyone wants to know exactly what people can find out about you with your email address, all you need to do is google "myemailaddress@myemailprovider dot com" (replacing your details with the pertinent info, obviously.
If you have reviewed your chats and seen nothing that looks like it could be used as an invitation for someone to snoop and find out your RL identity, doesn't seem like you have much to worry about until someone actually starts asking to meet IRL. Surely this person understands that online sex does not equal irl love, but some people are a little off I guess.

That being said..... I recently found out that my partner was doing pretty much the same thing and it gutted me. Hours spend online having sex with strangers, which then made their irl desire for sex flag tremendously. It broke my heart and disgusted me to learn that my partner was, in my mind, cheating on me in their fantasy world, emailing back and forth and roleplaying for months. And of course they said "It's just online, it doesn't mean anything, I'm not planning on meeting them". And of course I found all of this out because there were files left on my personal laptop when we were sharing it before I had to move out of state for work this year. Now I have do deal with my feelings on this on top of being geographically separated for the next year or so.

If your husband is cool with all of that, hats off to him indeed. I couldn't handle it once I found out, and I'm still not sure how to deal with it.

As a six year veteran of Second Life, my advice would be this - First, congratulations on the things you are doing right. You are being up front with your spouse, you are setting up very common sense boundaries regarding SL/RL bleed, you are having fun. Second, I've seen profiles of active players who are upfront about their RL status and it hasn't changed a thing about the way they were treated. I would be very suspect of the people whose behavior it did change,those are the ones who are looking for more than you can give them. SL is a very laid back place for the most part and what you are doing is not that rare. Third, it is not uncommon for things to get very intense, very fast. Be as candid with him as you have been with your spouse and do not be afraid to add that info to the limits part of your profile. Fourth, Always take note of how long people have been in SL and read those profiles! What is in them( and what is not) can tell you a great deal with low risk.

NoCute - You are still the only No Cute!!
Ricardo - please stick around.

@76 LavaGirl: I have been catching up on practicing for flute choir and all other music related stuff, emails, and staying inside this weekend. Lots of wind and rain here---my beloved and I just made it back in time from a VA doctor's appointment before things got blustery.
How is everything your way?
@83 DonnyKlicious: Thanks! I'll look for it! AACK-OOP!

Hey Grizelda; I'm off watching the news tonight. On my FB feed I see Bernie is doing good. Hillary, those looks on her face..
Good on you doing your practice.
I'm good. Moved along with my music. Listening to a couple of Aussie guys at the moment. One is a little bit country.
The weather is turning I think. Its been weeks of humid weather.

Philo@77. I think telling re cheating and telling re damaging cars, are not in any way on the same level. Telling others their partner is maybe planning to cheat, is their dance. Who knows if she knows and just turns a blind eye. An unspoken agreement in the trillion that can occur in a marriage, where children, shared house/ income/ food etc exists.
With a really super close gf, who tells you everything and has done so forever, I might stretch this stay away rule a bit. Only then. Otherwise, it's a fucking hornet's nest.

Grizelda, it's not Keith I'm listening to, NicoleKidman's husband. Though he is cute. Local boy, just down the tracts from me, outside Brisbane.
This guy I'm listening to, Shane Nicholson, he's broken up with his wife, famous Australian C&W singer she is, as well. She's got a great voice. They sang together, had a couple of kids.
He's done two albums since the breakup. The first one didn't grab me. His second one is interesting. Talking of his heartbreak and trying to be a good father.
The other singer I'm listening to. A cheeky boy from Melbourne. Of course.
Chet Faker, is his name.

Philo, the wife may have no clue what a cad her husband is. The LW can be ready then, for when the shit hits the fan, and be a supportive friend to the wife.
The girls don't need to lose their friendship.
It would be a tough one, I haven't had to face it. My best bet for the LW is just forget she ever saw his profile.

@104 & @106 LavaGirl: It sounds like you've got rockin' musicians and killer tunes!
I'll have to give these a listen. Thanks for the great recommendations.
My flute choir is reading a short piece (of four) for flute choir and piano; later tonight it's back to my first movement of my second symphony score. I've got to stay creative, musically active, and may the sunny days return soon so my VW and I can hit the beaches again!

Lava [105] - I think telling re cheating and telling re damaging cars, are not in any way on the same level
Why? They are both very rarely enforced laws, that you must try to contact the owner of a damaged car, and that you must remain monogamous when married. In the US at least.. in Iran the death penalty for adultery is still enforced, at least for political reasons, I read a couple days ago:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/06/opinio…
Michigan has harsh laws against adultery, up to life in prison, (far greater than the fine that you can get if you don't leave a note), although they haven't enforced them in decades.
They are both questionable ethically; neglecting the pain of the car's owner, or the pain of the presumably faithful spouse. I'm sure some people would rather have an adulterous spouse than a door ding, but I doubt that's common. It seems like people react way worse when they discover a spouse's illicit affair than when they walk out of a mall and see they need to replace their bumper. I don't see why you think they are so different.
But yeah, I wouldn't butt into their marital life if I were HELPMA, just back off of someone who advertises that they're having affairs. Not saying that she shouldn't be polite if he sends HELPMA a Fetlife message. She should express her own feelings about the situation politely. But I wouldn't extend past politely expressing my opinion... even if the wife does know, it's shady to advertise that his wife does not know he's on this site. But I'd bet he's not going to explain that it's fine to talk to wife since she knows already. And I'm sure I couldn't feel like as great of a friend to the wife while keeping this secret from her, but it would be cruel to end the friendship completely, unless the daughters really fell out and it more naturally ended. I do disagree about the support part. I don't think I'd be good at supporting someone while knowing that I did nothing as the situation that brought them pain unfolded. I'd find it very uncomfortable I'm sure, hypocrisy is very itchy to me.

If it was a childhood best friend, someone I was really close to, I might tell her. I may not want to lose the friendship by either backing off or by staying close and deceiving her. It depends on what I thought would happen to the kids. It's no good for the little girl to grow up to choose an adulterous spouse, like an alchoholic's kid. But some parents are temperamental and may hurt their kids while they are reacting... I would want to avoid contributing to hurting kids more than I'd want to avoid contributing to hurting adult friends.

I think SLASH should communicate with her husband when she feels worried. It sounds like she wants to open the relationship but hasn't brought it up yet. It seems like he might agree since he hasn't protested so far.

Hun - Sweet Avatar.

@104 LavaGirl: I am SO glad I don't have a TV anymore. Those shameless political smear ads are atrocious! I wish I could completely shake off Trumpzilla the Rug and his clown car full of GOP idiots---or that they could all kill, eat, and crap each other out before November. At least I can scroll down when online. A girl can only hope and Feel the Bern.