Oh, PART. Please don't break off contact with your sporty, nature-oriented pal of the female persuasion. I'd suggest having a social evening at your home where you invite the other couple so that your wife can meet both of them. Apart from sharing a few drinks and snacks, do you and your friend have any pictures or videos of some of your excursions that you could show? That would probably be the best thing ... to keep passing around so many photos and retelling endless stories about something that neither of your partners find interesting, thereby showing them that all you're interested in is the activity (thankfully sparing them in the process).

Definitely do tell both your friend and her husband in advance just why you're having them over ... that your wife has become jealous but that you don't want to give up an activity you enjoy. Or to let your friend down by seemingly abandoning her (for no valid reason).

By knowing your intentions and desire to retain the activity-focused relationship, her husband could prove to be a huge ally, telling your wife how relieved he is that his wife has you around whenever he's worried about her safety. And that your wife ought to be proud of you for being a good friend and honourable man.

LW1:LOSS – Dan nailed it.

LW2:PART – How about trying to introduce your wife to your lady friend (LF) in an activity that all three of you can do together? Wifey is much less likely to be jealous if she gets to know LF and trusts her to keep her pussy in her pocket. It's the secrecy that's the problem, not the friendship...I'd be a little suspicious if DonnyKgirlfriend had a male friend she kept in the pantry and never let me meet. Much less so if we all had drinks together every once in a while which is what "friends" do.

LW3:SMOOSH – The "way you masturbate" (in public and since you were 5?!) I'm burning up with curiosity (and I know it killed the cat – but satisfaction brought him back) so please share! ALSO...while keeping this secret orgasm-inducing contortion to yourself might feel like a gem you have locked up in a hidden drawer, sharing with boyfriend might bring a whole new level of fun to the game. I would love to watch my girlfriend get her rocks off in some unusual kinky way (and probably fuck her extra-enthusiastically afterwards – so...win–win!)

LW4:IMPERIALISM – Blame my middle-class white farmboy upbringing, but I don't get the attraction of being denegrated, so am a little at a loss to offer solutions other than saying "to each his/her own" and as long as you both are into it (and it doesn't slop over onto people who aren't), then what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

This is from The Forward in an article on this column. I thought it interesting:
"Stalag fiction was a genre of erotica, popular in Israel in the 1950s and early 1960s, that depicted often violent sexual encounters in concentration camps, generally between imprisoned Allied soldiers and female SS guards.
The genre was banned by the government following the trial and hanging of Nazi leader Adolf Eichmann in 1962."

Read more: http://forward.com/the-assimilator/33835…

It's not just censoring porn. It's censoring a particular fantasy in porn.

While I have had numerous friendships containing such an age gap, I am quite certain that never has my first description of any young friend consisted of, "He's really hot." Such a statement definitely calls for the lorgnette. Still, at least it's some consolation that LW is directing this at someone straight instead of re-enacting the plot of Cucumber with a same-sexer.

As for the last letter, there is some interest in that Mr Savage doesn't differentiate between taking the part of the perpetrator of evil and taking the part of the victim. I'd like to go deeper into this one, but I am getting so many really bad vibrations about that former LW whose boyfriend got off on degrading him that I'd really better not proceed.

How do we determine which friendships are appropriate and which are not? It seems that everyone thinks Dan was correct in advising #2 that his wife is ridiculous for insisting he drop his female friend. But there's a fine line here somewhere. For example, my boyfriend (I'm also male) goes on gay dating apps to make platonic friends. But those friends he makes are people he's attracted to and are attracted to him back -- they openly admit this attraction. To the best of my knowledge there hasn't been any lapses in our committed monogamy. Am I as wrong as writer #2 when I feel nervous about these friendships? Where is the line?

People are a bit swift to jump on Mrs. PART for being a jealous, controlling harpy, but ... we don't know whether there is truly no attraction between PART and Sporty Ex-colleague. The sentence "my wife doesn't trust my friend not to 'take advantage' of our friendship" raises some red flags. It suggests a possible interest on Sporty's part, and a possible willingness on PART's part, to engage in some hanky panky -- perhaps another kind of paddling? But PART doesn't want to stray.

If PART and Sporty are attracted to each other, then getting Sporty together with Mrs. PART, or even getting all four players together, may not work well. If PART and Sporty are truly platonic, things might still be pretty awkward, even if Mrs. PART and Mr. Sporty were willing to be introduced to each other and are open to the possibility of enjoying each other's company.

I don't have an obvious solution, but I think the situation might be a bit more nuanced than Dan's interpretation.

SMOOSH - I sympathize! I figured out masturbation at age 9, and while realizing I shouldn't do it in front of others, I wasn't aware it had any connection to sex for a couple of years. Voila! A couple of years of innocent orgasms! And a strong preference for a particular position ...

Fast forward to partnered sexual activity for three decades, with orgasm possible in a variety of positions. Then, the hiatus. Four years without partnered sex (and varying amounts of masturbation). Aaaand BAM! Return to partnered sex, and discover that my earlier flexibility has been diminished, and I usually need to be in my ole time position to come. Darn it!

I have told my partner that I figured out masturbation at age 9, but I have not worked up the courage to A) ask that he mimic some of the stimulation that gets me off, or B) show him how I do it. This stuff is more complicated than it looked at first blush.

"Riding and paddling"? No wonder PART's wife is suspicious, if he phrases it that way.
PART, why not let your wife get to know your friend by inviting her and her husband for dinner? The wife doesn't trust the friend because she doesn't know her. You can't trust a stranger; you have no idea whether that person can be trusted. If that stranger becomes a friend, I bet your friendship will no longer be a problem.

If your wife refuses to befriend your friend (and her husband), I think you should drop the wife, not the friend.

22rr @5: I'd be suspicious of your boyfriend's activities. He's going on gay DATING apps, not gay social apps. At the very least, the other men on these apps want to meet men for dating and sex. And more, they've admitted (and your boyfriend has admitted) mutual attraction. There's no indication that PART's friend wants an affair or is attracted to PART in anything more than a shared-interests way. So the situation is very different.

Ms Fan/Mr R - If I were Mr R, I might not accept an invitation to tea from one of BF's friends and allow him to hand me one particular scone from the assortment on the plate - it would be likely to contain arsenic (especially if his name were Armstrong). On BF's side, if I were putting the best face on things, I'd guess that such means of proceeding might be an attempt to avoid getting into friendships with one-sided attraction, which I think are perhaps much worse on our side of the OS/SS divide (it seems harder to hide, especially when one of the two is significantly more socially successful than the other).

Along Ms Fan's line (also adopted by Mr Klicious, but doubted by Ms Thinking), it seems all a sign of the unfortunate decline of bridge. If this were my novel, I'd likely arrange it that an evening of bridge would have the two spouses discover that they both played much better than the original friends, and form a serious partnership that attended clubs and tournaments, leaving the sporting pair feeling rather left in the dust. (Shades of Sir Thomas Bertram advising his wife that speculation would amuse her more than whist, so that he would avoid the lack of amusement that would ensue from having her for a partner.)

Mr Hunter - For those men of a certain age whose pre-eminent point of interest in a young friend is that young friend's hotness, let's call it a pleasant coincidence. I do think there's less potential damage to the younger party when such interest is cross-oriented. The age difference in the letter is less extreme, but think of Ash' panic in Vicious when he wakes up, finds Violet in bed with him and fears that he might have...

In general, though, I would have those of the straight-chasing orientation confine themselves to chasing str8z. Call that promotion if you like, though I don't think it any more so than promoting heterosexuality among those of that nature (some more particularly than others).

@Vennominon,
are you talking about the LW whose BF made him worship his feet in the nude while he watched TV? That one was memorable.
and also, I agree there's a difference between presenting a victim/perpetrator fantasy as a victim and presenting the same fantasy as a perpetrator. The same thing happens in S&M: it's not the same to ask someone to harm you than asking to harm someone. For some reason, I always feel the most "ethical" stand is letting the "victim" ask for it, if only just to ensure you're not actually triggering/scaring someone.

What a hero you are PART, helping the lady out so she won't be all alone and in danger on her bicycle or in the kayak. What bull.
I see groups of bike riders doing the hills around me all the time. No groups near her then, that she can join? Same with the rowing.
Your wife's antenna may be picking up something you are not, in relation to both of your intentions. I sure would find it a little strange.
I'm not saying you have to close down the friendship with this woman, I do suggest you guys could join with others. Just the two of you having these cosy little outings seems a little suspicious; how would you feel if your wife was off, alone, doing stuff with another man?

@1: "Definitely do tell both your friend and her husband in advance just why you're having them over ... that your wife has become jealous but that you don't want to give"

Do you believe embarrassing/confronting the wife like this would help? She may likely see it more like trying to outnumber her in public than addressing it as a private decision with a partner.

@15: "how would you feel if your wife was off, alone, doing stuff with another man?"

And to that end, who knows. Perhaps it's not jealousy about that so much as she wants to be included in more of his time, just not with that particular activity.

I reconnected with an old grad school friend a few years ago after not being in touch for 20 years. When I first knew him I was married and he was single. When we saw each other again and reestablished the friendship, he was married and I was divorced. We get together periodically for dinner or drinks or a hike, and I had never met his wife. I suggested that the three of us get together because I wanted to send the message to both of them that my interest in him was not romantic or sexual (in reality, I suspect there's a mild crush on both sides, but neither of us would act on it or allow it to really come to the surface). My goal was to show the wife that I wasn't a threat, and I thought that would be its own reward for the evening. But it turns out that she and I hit it off and I really like her, so I was pleasantly surprised at that outcome.

I am all for having the occasional double date with the sporty friend and her husband, to reassure both spouses and also the friends that this is just friendship.

LG @15

Just the two of you having these cosy little outings seems a little suspicious; how would you feel if your wife was off, alone, doing stuff with another man?

I have cosy platonic little outings all the time with female friends who are married or otherwise in a relationship. Nobody cares.

But RE you are European not Australian.

@20: There's nothing unique to the "Aussie mentality" that would preclude that scenario from not working, just different persons and circumstances.

Given the number of people I know who didn't realize they had crushes on someone until the infection got into their bone marrow, plus the number of people who regret the total trust they had in their partner in sketchy-sounding situations, plus the unnecessary bother a non-consensual affair can cause in a long-established relationship, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss PART's wife, especially given what I have heard from my poly friends, that feelings of insecurity in a relationship tends to come more from the core relationship than external "threats."

I mean, read the comments at Chumplady. Wouldn't you take pretty much any precaution you could to avoid getting stuck in that psychological mire?

Mr Savage's mention of acting does remind me of Jim Carter, who seemed to find Mr Carson rather more deplorable in some of his attitudes than many of Downton's admirers.

I've no disagreement with Mr Savage about his advice to people with a potentially damaging kink, but think an extra layer of care appropriate for GGG partners trying to indulge it.

And / or the spouses don't feel threatened by you, RE.
I just feel Dan is too quick sometimes to discount a woman's responses. Straight away he starts on about the missing backbone; code for grow some balls. Oh, here's another pussy whipped straight guy.
The LWs wife feels disquiet about this relationship. Why is that?

Geez, you seem to know about Australian men too undead?
Not wanting to generalize about younger guys, the ones who have been reading Dan for yrs.. Going all American. Older Aussie men are not like European men, just like us women aren't like European women. Except of course the ones who are European and have moved here.

It was a bit tongue in cheek, undead.
Must remember not to post at
1.30 am.

You know how when you nag someone about something, that makes them want to do it *less*? Some reactions to worry are counterproductive. I know it's scary, but I think the best defense against your partner developing a real attraction to a friend is being the best partner you can be--and that includes not restricting their friendships, if possible.

Sometimes people slip and cheat with friends they were attracted to. I've done it, I've had partners do it. But in no example that I know of would it have *not* happened if the spouse/partner had been *more* suspicious or insecure about the friendship.

I have male friends I'm attracted to, and to whom I'm attracted, and that's part of the fun. The attraction makes me feel good. I love the hell out of my partner; I won't cheat on him. And he's confident enough to enjoy my enjoyment of those friendships. It's maybe like hotwifing on a very small level. There are men I like, and who like me, and at the end of the day I come home to him.

I think that confidence comes from how we interact with each other, not how we interact with other people. If you are insecure about your partner's interactions with a friend, I don't know that you can fix that by altering *their* interactions. Maybe you can forcibly shut them down, but the base of that insecurity will still be there in the way your relationship with your partner works.

I want to believe we can all live in a world where people can have friends of any gender and partners don't get jealous or controlling.

I have the responsibility to be considerate to my partner and behave in an authentic way to our relationship and potentially terminate friendships for the good of the relationship as my own decision. However, I've had enough of my autonomy taken from me by insecure, controlling partners in the past. It's pretty much a hard limit and I would dump the partner before the friend if a partner demanded it.

PART needs to spend time thinking about this. Is it possible that his wife is justified in her fears? If he gives in will he ever be able to have a friend of his own again? Is he going to resent the wife in a relationship terminal way if his autonomy is taken away in this matter?

We just don't have the information to really help beyond advising him not to make dumping the friend his only course of action.

Blackwood @13: For some reason, I always feel the most "ethical" stand is letting the "victim" ask for it, if only just to ensure you're not actually triggering/scaring someone.

This is how I approach BDSM. I know how I react when a partner of mine asks if they can do something painful or degrading to me ("no way!") -- or, worse, does something without asking (!!) -- so I pretty much will not make suggestions of a dominant nature, in case my partner reacts the same way. I prefer to top from the bottom, in other words. Which, yes, has led to situations where someone wants something but is afraid to ask for it, and I don't bring it up, leaving both of us missing out on something.

ADM @22: I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss PART's wife, especially given what I have heard from my poly friends, that feelings of insecurity in a relationship tends to come more from the core relationship than external "threats."

Then that's the issue they need to deal with. He's not spending enough time with her? He doesn't make her feel attractive or valued? That's nothing to do with Sporty.
It's interesting you bring up poly. I am poly, and I have indeed experienced suspicion regarding the motives of third parties. Sometimes because the relationship is weak, but sometimes because my suspicions have indeed proved founded. If the new person does not want to meet and hang out, that is a big warning sign. So it's either fear of the unknown, which is easily fixed, or it's relationship problems, which must be dealt with head on. Trying to control who your spouse spends time with is not going to improve your marriage.

And what ciods @27 said. If the wife already blames him for being inappropriate with this friend, what has he got to lose by going ahead and being inappropriate?

@ undead (#16)
I was not suggesting anything close to confronting or embarrassing PART's wife. But, considering that PART might have dropped "Sporty" with NO explanation at all, if he tells the couple - as I said "in advance" which means not in the wife's presence - that he's trying to get his wife back on the main road of understanding that the time he and Sporty spend together is for leisure/sport only and not for anything resembling cheating, then the wife will stop making unilateral and presumably unreasonable demands.

edit @28: *and who are attracted to me. *sigh*

concerning LW2, not sure why everyone is assuming the wife never met sporty girl. He doesn't say one way or the other, but an eight year relationship and the wife has never asked to meet her?

Dan's answer to PART rewritten: Your wife's concerns are irrational. Therefore you should ignore them or belittle her for them or aggressively do what you want anyway. Figure out how to get what you want (friendship with canoeing partner) at the expense of what your wife wants (reassurance, security).

My rewrite: Approach the problem differently. See if there's some way you and your wife can both get what you want. Ask her what you can do to reassure her. Offer her the chance to go climbing with you. Definitely ask her along for the coffee dates. Be completely transparent with her. Tell her what you talk about with your friend. Make it clear that she's welcome to join the friendship at any time. Dismissing small insecurities is the surest way to make your wife believe she's being gaslighted and thus turn small jealousies into big ones. So take her and her concerns seriously. That doesn't mean she gets to be controlling just because she's jealous. It does mean you have to treat your relationship with your wife with respect.

We know Dan doesn't think much of jealousy, but that doesn't mean all jealousy is pathological.

@15 LavaGirl Oh, it's a thing.

Mike Tyson is homefolks. Some of us remember a story that took place not long before he won the title.

He was friends with a couple from my area. The wife was a jogger, and was frequently harassed during her morning runs. Tyson heard about it, and volunteered to be her running buddy. She was never bothered again after being seen jogging with him.

In light of that, I find the LW's claim of altruism to be plausible.

Moving closer to home, my wife is a stay at home mom. She occasionally likes to go to the bar with her friends, male and female, for drinks and laughs. I was a working musician for 25 years and could happily die without ever seeing the inside of a bar again, so I stay home with the kids.

Our relationship is open enough that even if she *wanted* to mess around during these free evenings, all she would have to do is tell me about it ahead of time. But none of that happens.

At the risk of putting too fine a point on it, I have a friend who's a sub. She knows I'm a Dom. There's no tension there. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

I do agree that the LW should communicate with his wife and try to understand why she feels this way. It seems a better option than nuking an otherwise viable friendship.

Jesus Christ. No, you don't dump your wife of TWENTY-NINE YEARS because she's seen something in your relationship with this woman that raises her eyebrows after eight years of biking and paddling and lunches.
Maybe you'll have to distance yourself from this woman because you're in love with your wife and want to stay married. Maybe you find it unreasonable. But you know what? That's life. And if your marriage has been a source of joy and comfort to you for TWENTY-NINE YEARS, then finding someone else to go paddling and biking with, may just be the price you have to pay for this amazing thing you have.
As to your actual question, which hasn't received much attention: the answer is obvious, you calmly discuss this with your wife and ask her what you're supposed to say to your friend. Together you come up with a solution. It will be interesting to see what she thinks should be the explanation to your friend.

I'm 52 and I've been with my husband for 30 years in a monogamous relationship. If my husband had concerns like this, my first and almost only concern would be whether my behavior has somehow been inappropriate or whether I have, in fact, been neglectful in a way to make him feel insecure and jealous. It's interesting that so many people, Dan included, see this as a problem that the wife has made instead of maybe it being the husband. People in good, long, respectful relationships take their partner's concerns seriously.
I think too many commenters on this board have had shitty, controlling relationships with people to be able to give constructive advice here. "Drop the jealous shrew because no-way, no-how, nobody gonna tell me what to do with my life" isn't applicable for everyone.
Everyone needs to have leisure activities and passions in their lives. When those activities fit easily into family life and a marriage, it's great for everyone involved. But that's not always the way it works and maybe some accommodations may need to be made - including who you spend time doing those activities with.

@30 "And what ciods @27 said. If the wife already blames him for being inappropriate with this friend, what has he got to lose by going ahead and being inappropriate?"

Oh I dunno, his self-respect? His long marriage with the woman he loves? The respect of his children?

If someone being jealous drives someone to have an inappropriate relationship with someone they hadn't previously been desirous of, it's not the jealousy that's the problem. Mature people address the actual issue, they don't get back at the jealous person by fucking the person they were jealous of. Sheesh!

Also for LW2, I would remind the wife that if I wanted to cheat, doing it in the dirt with a sweaty woman is probably the last place it would happen. And the safety aspect goes both ways, if he can't find another bike buddy and has a bad crash on an isolated trail all alone?

My relationship with my wife is the most important one in my life, so I am prepared to say good-bye to my friend.

Jesus Christ, someone sure did drink the kool-aid.

Grow a fucking spine. Your wife isn't going to divorce you over this. Keep on seeing your friend, and when your wife starts hounding you about it, smile at her, say some sappy reassuring things, and remind her that she's always welcome to join the two of you on your outings.

@Texans: doing it in the dirt with a sweaty woman is probably the last place it would happen

Sorry, I'm not following you here.

PART, why not just invite a third athletic type (gender irrelevant) to tag along on the outdoor adventures? Group outings should resolve your wife's insecurities about the pal's intentions.

Coffee, on the other hand, is fraught with danger. Many a torrid affair has kicked off with casual meetings in public places, "just for coffee." How would you feel if your wife were to join the two of you for all of your future coffee klatches? If your answer is "We couldn't really talk" or "It would spoil the dynamic," then I think you should end the coffee sessions ASAP (but keep the sports) to protect your marriage. Otherwise, make it a point to include your wife in future coffee dates, and explain why to your pal if she asks. It's up to the pal to decide if she'd like to bring hubby along too.

If Ms. Sporty complains about three being a crowd, either for sports or for your coffee dates, then maybe she IS trying to take advantage of you.

FirstTime @36: Your repeated allusion to the TWENTY NINE YEARS is what's known as the "sunk cost fallacy." You're using longevity of the relationship to imply that it is too precious to risk. What if his wife had been denying him sex for TWENTY NINE YEARS? What if she had been physically abusing him for TWENTY NINE YEARS? A marriage is not worth saving just because it has lasted a long time.
If she's being a dick over whom he's friends with, maybe this thing isn't so amazing?
If it is so amazing, why does she have any reason to feel threatened?

Again @40: "It's interesting that so many people, Dan included, see this as a problem that the wife has made instead of maybe it being the husband." That's because he wrote in. If it was the wife who wrote in and said, "I am suspicious of my husband's friendship with a younger woman because X, Y and Z," with X, Y and Z representing good cause to be suspicious, then the answers might in fact be different. But the wife didn't write in, the husband didn't state that he too believes the friend has a crush on him. All we know is that she gets jealous of time spent with the friend. I agree that mature people address the issue. Mature people address the actual issue, not issue ultimatums on who their spouses can be friends with.

Capricornius @46: Coffee is fraught with danger. Love it.

Correction @47: PART never said the woman was younger. I guess I assumed Mrs PART was more likely to feel threatened by a younger woman than by one their own age. Assuming they are similar ages.

@47 "Your repeated allusion to the TWENTY NINE YEARS is what's known as the "sunk cost fallacy." You're using longevity of the relationship to imply that it is too precious to risk."
Nope. What I'm "implying" is that maybe since they've been married so long that he and the commenters might assume that she's actually got some bead on what's going on with this situation instead of acting like she's his 16 yo girlfriend that he's been dating for 3 months. And yes, a spouse who's been a good, loyal, loving companion for almost 3 decades is in a different position in regards to judgement and, dare I say it, the ability to make demands that may seem unjust to both the spouse and the casual Savage Love commenter.
"What if his wife had been denying him sex for TWENTY NINE YEARS? What if she had been physically abusing him for TWENTY NINE YEARS?"
Pretty sure that would be relevant information here that the LW should have disclosed. Hey, maybe she's an ax murderer too!
"A marriage is not worth saving just because it has lasted a long time."
He's the one who clearly wants to be with his wife and save his marriage. It seems like the length of his marriage is relevant to him.
And really, I totally agree with you. I've been married a long time but my husband and I have agreed that any infidelity ends our marriage despite the length of time of "sunk costs". I'm usually the last person to advocate that a person "save" their marriage when it's not good.
But this guy practically leads with the statement that he wants to be with his wife and his question is solely about how to break it to his friend.

@47 "Mature people address the actual issue, not issue ultimatums on who their spouses can be friends with."

Lots of exceptions to that. If for instance the "sporty friend" actually did make sexual advances towards her husband, she'd have every right to ask him not to be "friends" with her.
Pretty sure my husband would have problems if I started hanging around with some racist, bigoted guy who was a Trump supporter, whether he was trying to get into my pants or not. Just for instance ...

@Hunter78: The net effect on the marriage will be very negative.

There's a certain type of developmentally stunted male who "heroically" seeks to avoid conflict with his partner at all costs, and this statement may as well be his mantra.

She's in her 50s, insecure, and (judging from her jealousy and general disinterest in leaving the house) doesn't have a life of her own. She's not going anywhere. Whatever shit she's giving him is a bunch of anxious bluster.

He should call her on it. Sure, he'll get the cold shoulder, and you can bet she'll withhold sex from him. But in the end, she's unfairly trying to take something away from him that brings him joy, not to mention lots of exercise. Unless she's bat shit crazy, she'll eventually choose her husband over her jealousy. She just needs him to be firm so that she can grow up a bit and kick this bad emotional habit. And isn't that what good partners do - help us grow?

@39, funny. @37 also doesn't know the man I am. Sounds kinda hot to me.

@37, No offese if you are, but I get the impression that you're not a straight man.

My take on PART is that the wife is probably sensing an attraction that the LW isn't admitting. I can't point to anything in particular, but I get the sense of an older man hanging out with a younger woman that he desperately wants to bone and writing a very selective letter in search of sympathy. Now maybe the wife should be happy if he comes back to her with extra sexual energy after seeing Sporty, but she isn't, so the old goat (or saintly husband if I'm wrong in my impression of him) should respect her concerns.

Oh, and FirstTime @ 41 nailed it. And I agree strongly with the advice in @50 also. I think that her position that any infidelity ends her long marriage with her husband isn't something I'd advise, but FirstTime didn't advise that, just said that's how she and her husband feel. FirstTime and her husband have as much right to feel that way as PART does to value his marriage more than whatever relationship he has with Sporty.

I haven't read thru the posts yet, so apologies if anyone has said this.
Why is this an issue now? If Lycra pants and his biking buddy have been doing this for years, why now has his wife wanted to call it. What has occurred to warrant her suddenly becoming jealous.

@FirstTimeCaller:
- a spouse who's been a good, loyal, loving companion for almost 3 decades is in a different position
- But you know what? That's life
- People in good, long, respectful relationships take their partner's concerns seriously.
- maybe some accommodations may need to be made

Did it occur to you that your platitudes apply equally well to the husband's perspective? The husband has a female friend and the wife doesn't like it, but you know what? That's life! Maybe some accommodations need to be made! Everything happens for a reason! It is what it is!

You seem to hold your own marriage up as a gold standard, butI suspect you'd have a more enlightened perspective if your husband had ever stepped up and challenged you to control your own jealousy. Having had partners who challenged my occasional jealous reactions, I've come to see them for what they are - a self-defeating defense mechanism that redirects mine and everyone else's attention away from the true underlying problems in the relationship or my life.

Sure, I still feel jealous, who doesn't? But I get to choose how I react, and I choose not to be "that guy", because that guy (or woman) is kind of a loser.

@ciods: Looks like my unconscious prefers the comma to be outside the quotes, which makes sense since me dear old dad's a Brit. I'm generally inclined to defer to the Brits on matters of the English language.

@52. Sean. You are hard core. How do you know she doesn't leave the house, or have a life of her own?
And her age is relevant because?
Oh, I see. He can lay down the law and she won't wimper because she is that age. Right, got it.
Can only hope your wife goes to a gym where the boys are young and gorgeous. Cause living with you must be real brittle.

seandr @52, you've made a huge leap there saying that PART's wife is insecure, doesn't want to leave the house and doesn't have a life of her own. You get that all from the LW saying she doesn't want to kayak or go on bike rides?? Is that all people do to count towards having their own lives?
Perhaps she is insecure for no reason. Perhaps she knows her husband really well and she knows he's somewhat infatuated with his friend and is threatened by that. But I can't see that she has no life and doesn't want to leave the house.

Having said that, I do agree with you @56 that jealousy does quite often need to be challenged and controlled. It can do a person a lot of good to sit down and think about why they're jealous, and perhaps to decide that I'm just going to shut up and not put my jealous energy out there. If the friend was slightly alluring before, banning her is only going to make her really alluring for him!

High five New Zealander.

That's true Busy, jealousy is a bitch; unless there is some cause to be worried. See @ 55. If Lycra pants has been doing this for many years, then surely his wife would have been jealous long ago. I'm guessing something has shifted her perception of the story.

@61 -- "I'm guessing something has shifted her perception of the story." No, she's probably been jealous the whole time and resenting it for eight long years and only just got around to expressing it. It's been sitting inside her, smoldering and seething, and after countless non-verbal messages and random punishments that his mind-reading skills ought to have picked up on long ago she has finally gone from zero to ultimatum because enough is enough. Disrespect etc.

Naw, just kidding. Women don't do that. Guy's probably an asshole.

Cmon Late. If he's unable to read her clues for that long, he's got to be an Aussie man.
Oh that's right, he is an Aussie man.

Well hey, as long as we're speculating...

I heartily second BQ @58 and @59.

To Lava's point @60: many women (not all!) in their post-menopausal years get more insecure about their own attractiveness and therefore more worried about their spouses straying, even when their marriages are happy. (In my own, admittedly way-too-small-for-statistical-validity sample, the more conventionally attractive a woman was at age 20, the more she will fret and stew about every single wrinkle and gray hair that appears.) If they have adult kids, Mrs. PART may also be experiencing empty nest syndrome. That could explain why PART's eight-year bike-buddy relationship has suddenly become a relationship issue, since we can infer that Ms. Sporty is a reasonably attractive woman; otherwise she would not represent a potential cheating threat to his wife. She may be significantly younger than Mrs. PART, which would increase the level of threat. I believe PART when he says that he values his marriage, but he might have a better shot at keeping the bike-buddy if he actively seeks out opportunities to tell his wife, repeatedly if necessary, that he still values HER and no other woman stands a chance with him.

Seandr @52, I think this technique is more likely to succeed than your bluff-calling approach. I totally agree with you that lovers need to be courageous and take steps to help their partners overcome negative attitudes and habits. However, in my experience this can usually be accomplished without the need for harsh words and ego-bruising, which may produce satisfactory results (to the victorious partner) in the short term but harm the relationship in the long term.

Another reason for Mrs. Part's sudden concern could be an increase in the number of "just for coffee" dates in the past year or so. It is truly an aphrodisiac beverage. Regular one-on-one coffee dates with an attractive potential cheat-mate are NOT OK in a monogamous relationship unless your partner is either cool with it, or comes along! (And not bothering to tell your partner about the regular coffee dates, because you already know s/he would not be cool with it, is what the experts like to call an emotional affair. You are already cheating on your partner in this supposedly "platonic" relationship.)

LB @61: Project much? This sounds like your personal experience with women in general or one particular woman, not what PART wrote about his letter.

Regarding SMOOSH and some commentors:
Is there anything a woman won't sacrifice to avoid communicating with a man about sex?

She's been 'sneaking' orgasms for 10 fuckin' years? Even if she doesn't want to recite her masturbatory history and motivations, she can STILL make arrangements for attitudes and positions that WORK FOR HER.

Oh... but that would mean being honest with her partner. Too bad!

So PART's wife has drawn a line in the sand. How about this... if she wants him to dump his pal just because she's female, PART should tell the wife he'll submit to her wishes, as long as she's prepared to jump on a bike and in a kayak with him as a replacement.

"I don't do colonial."

I say it a lot to white guys that have Mandingo fantasies. The conflict between consensual objectification and fetishistic tokenism doesn't get very far with me.

@LavaGirl: How do you know she doesn't leave the house, or have a life of her own?

Hey LavaGirl. Obviously, I don't know. None of us do. But, her insecurity can only come from one of two places - a) her husband's wavering committment to her, or b) dissatisfaction with herself or her life.

Since the husband is willing to sacrifice something so meaningful and important to him for the sake of easing her mind, I think we can safely rule out a).

That leaves me wondering what's wrong with her life. The nature of her jealousy along with her disinterest in his activities suggests that she maybe she has much idle time on her hands while he's out and about. Someone else suggested she may be insecure because she's getting old, which also seems plausible. Either way, the true problem lies within her head, not their relationship.

@55: Feeling ignored? Maybe the wife wants him on the weekends. We don't quite know how much time he spends with either.

Capricornius @65 -- "...not what PART wrote about in his letter." Yes, that was kind of my point. Just getting in on the wild speculation.

@Capricornius: I think this technique is more likely to succeed than your bluff-calling approach...this can usually be accomplished without the need for harsh words

I wasn't advocating harsh words to the wife. I specifically said he should reassure her and extend an open invite to join them.

By calling her bluff, I simply meant he should stand firm about maintaining his friendship, and let her make the next move.

FWIW, my own epiphany regarding jealousy came as the result of shaming and invalidation, not reassurance. Yes, it was painful, but it was the kind of pain that leads to lasting resolutions - in my case, to seek security within myself, not from others.

He sees this woman in his tight, bulge showing Lycra shorts.
I smell a rat here. He plays the innocent in this story, I just don't buy it.
And I agree with Capri, having occassionally coffee meets.. Chocolate croissants too Id guess. Oozing chocolate that they'd just have to lick off each other's fingers.
Just tell your biking friend that you've been sprung, LW. That your wife is onto you.
As for the old perve wanting to buy his young friend's boxers. Start running. It'll help.

First @51: Oh, I agree. This letter clearly includes only a summary of the situation. If, for instance, the wife has offered to host the friend for dinner and she keeps making excuses, then she's the asshole, and the dumping would be deserved. If, for instance, the husband is spending every weekend on his hobbies and the wife is lonely and neglected, then he's the asshole, but the solution is to strike a better balance, not dump the innocent friend. (And if that is the case, I wonder what Mr Sporty has to say about it?) If, for instance, Sporty was a bigoted Trump supporter, Mrs PART would have a right to voice her concerns, but not to lay down the law.

But we can't assume anything other than what's been presented in the letter. So I'd suggest the following goodbye phrasing: "Sorry, my wife is an insecure loser, and I'm a doormat, so we can't be friends anymore. My loss."

Sean @44/dcp @53: Perhaps it's not so much that a straight man wouldn't want to have sex while dirty and sweaty, but that a straight woman wouldn't?

Lava @55: Good point. There is definitely something the letter isn't telling us. Not just, why would she put up a fuss now, but why would he agree so amicably?

Sean @69: Has anyone considered that the wife might love to accompany her husband on these activities, but her health or fitness won't permit it? Maybe she's jealous of the kayaking and biking, not jealous of the friend. Just a thought. Since we're all speculating here.

Poly @66: Whoa. As if men never privately masturbate to porn when their wives/girlfriends are out of the house?

Fan, I do feel a lot of Australian men do listen to their wives, if they love them. This guy says he loves her.
Then he's enjoying this other friendship, which his wife has tolerated for eight yrs, or so.. then, she wants him to end it. They perhaps, have grown too close. So, LW, if he wants to preserve his marriage, needs to back off a bit from his biking buddy. Suggest you join group rides, much safer than just two. Forget the coffee dates. Or have them with each others' spouse. Just change the environment in which you are having this friendship, with this woman.

Ms Fan - I think you've gone too long without a reread, or are you calling this a lie:

[Neither of our partners shares our interest in these outdoor pursuits.]? Now LW could be lying, or, perhaps more interestingly, his wife could be lying to him, claiming disinterest and hiding serious health restrictions (like Mrs Llewellyn Smythe in Hallowe'en Party, who, thinking it improper for personal letters to be typewritten, told her au pair to imitate her handwriting rather than admit to arthritis).

While that letter feels like a Straight World Problem, there are hints of a vintage air about it. Now I'm quite prepared to accept Ms Lava's word as that of an on-the-spot correspondent concerning Australian social customs, but it vaguely reminds me of 30-40 years ago in that one could easily interpret the presentation as suggesting that this might be LW's only female friend that's officially his friend and not theirs - possibly even the only one in the course of the marriage. I don't recall my father's ever having an official female friend when my parents were married, at least not one he met during the course of the marriage. (Obviously, as a serial adulterer, he had a fair number of unofficial friends, and he maintained some contact with his high school set.) In those days when sexes were mixed people socialized almost entirely in and as couples.

Not that all Australian men listen to their wives and love them. Mine didn't hear me, then his blood was from Canada, before that Lithuania on his mother's side and a prosperous Landed family, on his father's. Weird mix.
Aussie men, the true blue ones, on the whole are faithful men. Not on the make men. Then I feel they become a little naive around the deviousness that females can get up to. I was terrible devious around men in my youth. Did they notice? Sometimes I don't think they did.
Domestic violence; so our men have work to do. It's a big focus. Footballers do adds to stand up against it. Slowly, slowly. Some of our men and women love their football. Rugby League, where these beautiful men tackle each other. And hug each other as well. And this whole resistance from the govt about gay marriage, a big majority of the community is fine with it.
Get on with it.

Lava @76: I don't disagree with anything you've written. I think that CLAP should listen to his wife's concerns, and determine whether or not they are valid. If he agrees that Sporty harbors a crush on him, then ending the friendship would indeed be good drama avoidance. But he never said that. If he doesn't agree, then, like I said originally, he should address the situation by encouraging a friendship between the wife and Sporty, and Mr Sporty. They can do their sporty things, and sometimes all four can have dinner, play cards, etc. "Back off a bit" is probably a good idea, but is not the same as ending a friendship.

Venn @77: Oh no, are you going to start calling people liars? I thought we were blissfully free of that now. I take your point -- it is possible that Mrs CLAP isn't interested in the outdoor pursuits because her joints won't take it, or they just tire her out too much, but more likely that she's just not sporty. Mine wouldn't be the first inaccurate speculation we've read about the situation.

To the first letter, I'd be inclined to take a slightly different tack - I think offering the idea in the abstract first is good, but if he goes for it I'd suggest it would be better to say that you "have a friend" who would be interested in being the first customer.

Assuming this guy is genuinely straight (or just not into guys twice his age), he probably doesn't want to think about his older gay friend jerking off over him, and I think it would be hard to keep up the friendship if he did know that - which buying someone's sweaty clothes makes pretty obvious.

He may well see right through the "friend" façade, but let him maintain his wilful ignorance if he wants to.

@2 / DonnyKlicious: My guess is that she discovered grinding against furniture felt good, and started doing so at home and school, which was noticed and discouraged.

SMOOSH's letter reminded me of one a number of years ago in which a woman had learned to masturbate on her stomach while grinding against her fist, which she cupped in her other hand. It was a position that provided very specific pressure to her clit, but not one which lent itself to partnered sex or allowing her boyfriend to mimic for her. As a result, she was also somewhat ashamed of the way she masturbated. My recollection is that by accident she discovered that she could mimic that same pressure while grinding against his tailbone. So perhaps SMOOSH should confide her big secret and see whether she too can incorporate her partner in this way.

@79 (BiDanFan) and 81(Hunter):
BiDanFan accidentally used the acronym from the SLLOTD "Meat the Wife." (https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2016/04…) But she's talking about PART here.

Re: Lycra pants (Thanks Lava!) My Miss N was jealous of my time spent on my project of restoring a 1965 Corvair. I kept at it, but slowed down the Time dedicated to the project. After hearing her protests her girlfriend told her "Hey he is inside your house:.. you know exactly what he is doing, stop complaining". I admit I was surprised a woman could be jealous of a rusty car.
@84 re tailbone grind
My ex-massage therapist LOVED to climb onto my lower back and do exactly what you describe. She was a dear!
Re: 69 congrats sean

Nocute @85: You are correct. Multi-tasking acronym fail.

Sb53 @86: Corvairs! That takes me back. My ex-husband and I had a couple of Corvairs, of a similar vintage. I wish he'd spent more time actually working on the damn things. He had a wonderful habit of having enough money to buy cars that weren't running, but not enough money to get them running. And then magically finding enough money to buy another one. Thanks, your experience supports my theory that PART's wife is jealous of the time spent on the hobby rather than (just) the hobby buddy.

The solution, by the way, has made itself eminently obvious. PART and Sporty should introduce their spouses to each other. Then those two can have coffee dates and engage in sedentary hobbies while PART and Sporty get on with their riding and paddling.

PART's letter for reference:
I'm a 52-year-old straight guy from Australia, 29 years married. About eight years ago, I met a lady through work and we became friends, with our friendship continuing after she moved on to a different job. We meet up for coffee occasionally, and we share a love of cycling and kayaking, which we also do together on occasion. Both of us are in long-term, committed monogamous relationships. Our friendship is strictly platonic, sharing our love of riding and paddling. Neither of our partners shares our interest in these outdoor pursuits. My friend does not feel safe doing these activities alone, so often depends on my company for safety as well. The problem is that my wife gets jealous of the time we spend together and wants me to cut off contact with my friend. My wife does not trust my friend not to "take advantage" of our friendship. My relationship with my wife is the most important one in my life, so I am prepared to say good-bye to my friend. How do I say good-bye in a respectful, caring, and loving way? If she asks why we cannot be friends, I don't want to tell her, "Because my wife doesn't trust you not to try to get inside my pants (or cycling shorts)," as that would be hurtful. I don't want to lie, but telling the truth would be damaging to my friend.

Okay, they've been married for 29 years, so it's safe to assume that the wife is roughly the same age as her husband. But there's nothing in here to suggest that she's a once-beautiful woman now ultra-insecure about the wrinkles time has dealt her, although of course that may be true. There's nothing in here to suggest that the sporty friend (SF) is much younger, though she may well be. There's nothing in the letter to suggest that the wife never likes to go out and has no life of her own. PART just says that neither she nor SF's husband shares that interest in cycling or kayaking. That's reasonable enough.
LavaGirl likes to believe that National Character counts for a lot and that genuine Aussie men listen to their wives and that Aussie women never feel unsafe and like to have a male companion when out in the world, but maybe this woman's had a bad experience or a scare--yes, even in Australia--and feels safer with a man around. It's not a bad idea to go cycling or kayaking with a companion anyway, as accidents can happen and those activities tend to put you far from others.

And then people start to project all sorts of things onto the lw, his wife, the sporty friend, because this letter doesn't really tell us much. For instance, the lw tells us that he met SF about 8 years ago, but that doesn't mean that the cycling, coffees, and kayaking have been going on all those 8 years. Did they just recently start? He uses the words "occasionally" and "occasion" to talk about how often they share these activities. Have he and SF started getting together more frequently than they used to? Is his wife ordinarily a bit possessive and jealous, or is this something new? Does SF have a pattern of behavior or has she said something which would make the wife wary of her motives? Has the wife's sister's or best friend's husband just been discovered in an affair with a female friend or co-worker and she's now more suspicious than she would have been a year ago? Or has the wife been upset by and objecting to this friendship and the shared activities all along and this a source of tension between PART and his wife for years?

We don't know, and these details make a lot of difference. But I would suggest that PART reassure his wife of his love and intention to stay faithful. I would have him tell her that if indeed SF ever makes a move, he will distance himself from her. I would ask him to examine SF's behavior and see if he thinks his wife's fears are grounded. I would say that he should make an effort to invite SF and her husband over or have the two couples meet socially on occasion, so that they all get a chance to know each other better. PART may want to consider stopping having those tete-a-tete coffees with SF, which, after all, is something they can do with others, and limit their activities to the ones that their spouses don't enjoy, then suggest that after a day kayaking, the spouses join them and all four go out for a beer.

If none of this satisfies the wife and PART decides he really must end the friendship, I see no reason why he shouldn't be completely honest. I don't know how saying that his wife is too insecure to allow him to have a female friend would be "damaging" to the friend. If anything, the friend will feel sorry for him to be married to such a suspicious and insecure woman.

@BiDanFan: PART and Sporty should introduce their spouses to each other. Then those two can have coffee dates and engage in sedentary hobbies

I like the creative thinking.

However, since Mrs Sporty's husband isn't seeking to quash his wife's friendship, he likely has a fulfilling social life of his own, presumably with 50-somethings who have a level of emotional maturity appropriate for their age.

LOSS - Dan's answer was gold. +Find a fuckable guy so you stop obsessing over the unavailable.

PART - Weird parts here.
often depends on my company for safety
Bullshit. People bike solo a lot. And kayaking solo should be fine if you're experienced enough not to drown yourself. Cell phones help (in a waterproof pouch). Just in case you pull over for lunch and you're bitten by a copperhead. The real reason is sharing fun with friends can be better than solo fun.

wants me to cut off contact with my friend
Controlling bullshit as a first response. But if this is an established friendship, I don't believe this is a first response suddenly after years. Did you ignore her discomfort with the arrangement until now? Why haven't you started couples dating, where y'all split off for alone time but leave her with a friend to have fun with too?

I don't want to tell her, "Because my wife doesn't trust you not to try to get inside my pants (or cycling shorts),"
Actually, she doesn't trust you to fend off inappropriate advances. Couples' counseling I think.

SMOOSH - I don't get it. Everyone needs their own thing to get turned on. Your hubby has his own thing.. I doubt he's informed you of every detail of his masturbation history in order for you to work with what he likes. I'd say there's no need to tell, just tell him what is good or bad for you and hopefully he respects it... or what you'd like him to work on for you if sex isn't great. If the intimacy part isn't great, sharing personal details can create more intimacy, although I think he should learn to take you at your word about your turn ons. So what's unsatisfying.. the sex or the closeness? Sex = demand he respect your turn ons. Intimacy=challenge him to hear your secrets without shame and judgement.

Imperialism - Any tips on how a GGG partner can get past this kind of mental block and at least act the role enthusiastically enough to fulfill the fantasy?
Get a partner who rewards baby steps. Or one who likes what you like already.

Or was a subsequent girlfriend's outrage about my willingness to indulge such socially regressive fantasies justified?
Justified?? I'd guess the outrage was about guessing that y'all were sexually incompatible. You were into stuff that turned her off, or she suspected you were. +obsession +inability to move on to a more suitable partner. Like, anger management problems.

Also I responded to Lava & Old Crow in last week's thread.

Ms Fan - I'm not suggesting you're lying. Your thinking that perhaps LW's wife would like to join LW in outdoor pursuits but can't contradicts the letter. Either you forgot that detail, or perhaps you didn't believe LW's assertion that his wife isn't interested in outdoor sports. LW could be lying in the letter, or Mrs LW could be lying to him.

Mr Hunter - This feels like a Straight World Problem because, while SS couples are no less subject to irrational jealousy than OS couples, we're less likely to be told we can only have (close or active) friends of one gendre. From the presentation of the letter, I'm assuming this is his only female friend, or the only one with whom his interactions are more than superficial. We're not specifically told so, but I'm interpreting this as a gendre ban rather than merely concern, however correct or otherwise, about one particular friend.

To make a tennis comparison, I'm interpreting Mrs LW to be saying she wouldn't trust him with any mixed doubles partner, but that men's doubles would be acceptable to her. A same-sex spouse might object to one particular partner, but would be highly unlikely to tell someone he could only play mixed doubles.

Philo, I responded to you on last week's thread.

Sean@69; you talking to me now?
Yes, your points are an interpretation of the facts, and I agree with most of them.
I think it's both, in her head and in the relationship.

Maybe you guys think us women all blind or something. My Lycra pants and Miss can't do this alone, have got something going. I'm fine with them owning that.
Sounds like fun.
To avoid further danger and if he wants to keep his marriage, then he and bike girl have to cut back a bit. Choices, we all have to make them.

LOSS- to add to what Dan says, you could ease into testing the waters with your friend by talking about the last season of "Orange is the New Black," which had a long-running "selling used underwear" plot. If you're going to ask him if he's ever thought of doing that, it'd be an easy way to back off or not lose face if he's unreceptive, since you can then easily laugh it off as just talking about a funny storyline you saw on Netflix.

Hunter @95: "Of course they'll become aroused."

Um, wat? I ride a bike, and the condition my crotch is in after a long ride, sex is the last thing on my mind for at least the next 24 hours.
Look, not every heterosexual fancies every opposite-sex person. Fancying someone is a lot rarer than not fancying someone. If Sporty's endorphins kick in on these holidays, how much do you want to bet she goes home and jumps on Mr Sporty? Perhaps that's why he's not raising a fuss. (Assuming he isn't; that's another of the many missing details here.)

Venn @92: I guess the very word "lying" has become somewhat triggery for me in the context of this forum, given the propensity of a certain individual to use it as both a bludgeon and a synonym for "misremembering," "misinterpreting," "exaggerating," "expressing an opinion I did not expect you to express" or "expressing an opinion I do not share." I hope the rest of us collectively have more respect for each other than to go around calling each other, or LWs, liars, without some damn good evidence.

True Fan. The silent fourth.
All up, this LW needs to handle this with diplomacy. Not behave in any way to humiliate either woman. His loyalty is with his wife, so work that out first. Why is she suddenly feeling this? Explore the situation together, as partners. Then from there he will know how to follow thru with his connection to his biking buddy.

Hunter @102: I KNOW THAT.
I think we all know who I'm referring to when I talk about people calling other people liars. I reacted to Venn's "are you lying" because of that. As I explained.
I have no beef with Venn.
Please do stick with being Military Affairs Correspondent and Dodgy Jokes Expert. Thank you.

Capricornius @46 "How would you feel if your wife were to join the two of you for all of your future coffee klatches? If your answer is "We couldn't really talk" or "It would spoil the dynamic," then I think you should end the coffee sessions ASAP"

Eh, if my husband decided to join me every(!) time I wanted to have coffee with my girl friends, my answer would be exactly that, "we couldn't really talk." I mean, come on, spouses should be able to have separate friends.

@ 104 I very much encouraged my (inscrutable) Miss N to engage and befriend her co-workers. My rationale is that I make a lousy girlfriend for her. (I feel like I do an excellent job as a husband, however)
She needs to have men and women that understand her work to hang out with. I am spared the long, detailed rehashes of her workday, also, I hate kayaks, and spelunking. I am confident that she is not looking to skedaddle out of our marriage, and I hope she feels confident I am committed too. Who knows? maybe I am being foolish, but I think that this feels right. Ginnie is right on this.

Bi @99: Fancying someone is a lot rarer than not fancying someone.
Although that's probably true for the general population, it's a closer call with people you already like and have befriended. I think to start with, you are more likely to befriend people you find attractive; conversely, enjoying someone's company often makes them more attractive (recall some things nocute mentioned about how her perception of people's physical attractiveness alters as she gets to know them).

I think the relevant questions the wife should be asking herself are not so much "will they be aroused," "are they attracted to each other," "is the woman younger," etc., as "do I trust my husband" and "does this friendship bring him happiness" and "is our relationship strong." Because the former set of questions seem to be the first step towards restrictions like "you can only be friends with people you think are ugly," or "you can only be friends with older women" or other such statements, which are frankly ridiculous. Whereas the second set might lead her to more accurately pinpoint her problem, so that the statement could be something more like "I'd be happier with this friendship if you and I were also spending some non-domestic time together weekly" or whatever. Or maybe she might realize that yes, she's jealous and worried, but he's given her no reason to be and so the nice thing to do would be to try to get over it.

Venn @92: Either you forgot that detail, or perhaps you didn't believe LW's assertion that his wife isn't interested in outdoor sports. LW could be lying in the letter, or Mrs LW could be lying to him.

The way my mind works is, anytime the options are "it's either X or I believe they are lying/I am lying," it's almost always X. I am almost pathologically honest, and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in that regard as well. Unless what's said isn't plausible and/or they have an obvious motive to lie. Of course, in any of these letters, anyone can be lying; there's no way to independently verify. And you have a very good point about details being changed that could affect the materiality of the question. For instance, I believe Dan changed the detail about CLAP finding out about the affairs a year ago. The rest of the letter reads as though it's just happened and he's still in shock ("sexually assaulted"). Which WOULD change my reaction: Just now, it's "you poor thing"; a year ago, there's a element of "you know this pooch can't be unscrewed, move on."

SMOOSH: Screw you for not telling us your secret!

LADIES (or gents): if you want to have fun weird roleplay scenarios, date a theatre nerd. They are trained to not be self conscious, to get into character and to have powerful imaginations. Reading the last letter all I could think was how much this guy was missing out (assuming he has any dom tendencies) . Playing the bad guy is so much fun! You get to vent the darkest parts of your id in a totally safe, fun, everyone gets an orgasm kind of way. I played the heavies in a lot of plays and was surprised when I had groupies showing up for those roles, but not for more standard stuff.

Years later I got into sub/dom sex and it all made sense! Some ladies (and gents) just really love the (sexy) bad guy and really want him to do bad things to them. And a theatre nerd can be perfect to fulfill that need. I mean, assuming you can get past their vanity, neurosis and other issues of course ;)

Ginnie @104, spouses absolutely should be able to have their own circle of friends. But you meeting up for coffee with a gang of girlfriends is not equivalent to you meeting up on a regular basis for tete-a-tetes over coffee with a special male friend that your husband believes is chasing you. You'll note that I encouraged PART to continue his sporting activities with Ms. Sporty, and just lose the coffee dates, because a) they can lead to increasing and surprising intimacy, and b) they make his wife nervous.

We've conjectured here about why his wife may feel this way (I plead guilty as charged, NoCute @88). But does it really matter? She's unhappy now, and he wants to make her happy again, end of story. If Mrs. PART constantly made ridiculously needy demands on her husband, I doubt they would have enjoyed a happy, loving marriage of 29 years. Let's not forget that she was OK with this platonic friendship for eight years' worth of outdoor sports adventures and coffee dates with Ms. Sporty. Now, for whatever reason, she's not anymore.

If the guys isn't disgusted with the idea of selling his used underwear, offer to be the middleman. You don't thing to get weird.