SPANK - A quick google of "support ethical porn" yielded much the same advice that Dan gave. Best way is to patronize the performer's websites. Also you can support ethical amateur porn through makelovenotporn.tv or a group that helps to keep sex workers safe like Ugly Mugs or the list of organizations here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_date_l…

SHRUG - It would be quite caring to ensure that this is not an onset of dementia, but since your mom says he's always been like this... when someone tells you they are a creep, believe them. I'd say you were sending the strongest message by cutting your parents out of your life, but Fichu had some good advice if you insist on keeping ties with dad.

LIBIDOS - Should I force myself?
I am curious if you were never sexually attracted to your husband, or if his sexuality is simply a big turn off for you. But as it's probably too late to grow together after 16 years growing apart sexually, it probably doesn't matter. The first time you or your husband finds a great sexual connection with someone coupled with excellent conflict resolution... there will probably also be a desire to divorce and remarry. I'm not sure that thinking of England every once in a while will help much if there is no sexual attraction between y'all. But to expand upon Dan's solution.. I think the going rate for engaging in sex for reasons besides mutual sexual pleasure is a few hundred dollars. So add up a few hundred for every time you have sex without wanting sex. Is the marriage worth that much to preserve? At least until you meet a great sexual connection+great conflict resolution and want to leave?

@113 If there were no repression, I imagine men would be assaulting women all the time. Had your morning rape, yet?

He makes creepy comments about women... I go silent, it's awkward, and I keep hoping he'll understand how weird he's being. I would say something, but bringing up things that anger me causes him to act overly sorry (and claim clueless innocence), and that routine is annoying too. I don't think he is abusing anyone, just being creepy...

When someone tells you they are a creep. Or that they would be raping if it weren't for laws and social norms against it. Believe them.

Sean @95: Example one.
Example two: A man shouts inappropriate remarks at a woman on the street. She complains. She is told to "just take it as a compliment."
Example three: Every billboard with a woman in a bikini ever.

I think we are talking about two different things. When I talk about male sexuality being rampant, I am talking about male desire. What men want is constantly being delivered to them, in the form of women as objects. What you seem to be talking about is men as objects. Men's desire to be sexualised themselves, rather than being assumed to be constant predators. Women might envy the fact that men are generally seen as being their sexiest when fully clad -- in a tailored suit that shows their power, not their flesh. I agree with you that men who want to present themselves as the objects don't have a lot of opportunity to do so, but that's because the patriarchy views women as products and men as consumers rather than the other way round.

FutureCat @99: "it's just opportunistic extramarital fucking with a belief that nobody will ever find out."
If the cheatee removed their ego from the equation, this is the conclusion they would reach.

Nocute @106: "Both times, the men went to great lengths to keep the affair hidden, as in both cases they were sure that the discovery of their infidelity would end the marriage"
Bingo. So you (general you) AREN'T worth losing his wife over. Tell your ego.

Hunter @113: Men ARE assaulting women all the time. The conviction rate for rape is estimated at 5%. This says to me that while we as society know that rape, in the abstract, is wrong, we contort ourselves into ridiculous positions to find ways of letting individual men get away with it. We either disbelieve the victim, or blame her, or conclude that okay maybe it wasn't consensual but how can we send a man to jail when all he did was follow his completely natural male instincts?

"Had your morning rape yet" is really, really not funny for the majority of women who've experienced sexual harassment and violence. Including myself, may I say.

@ 102 You are probably correct. She seemed very interested in the 4 of us becoming a close buddy-couple (not heard that description before). During the time we were seeing each other, she insisted that I had be truthful, warts and all about my attraction to her, my attraction to my wife and my own self-image. WE would have these extremely long discussions about our various relationships all the way back to our childhood.
Eventually she revealed that she was "in therapy" and shared some of the insights she obtained from her therapist. She even told me that her therapist' opinion of me was that I "was an extreme risk-taker"....This without having met me,& only knowing me through her description of what we did and said. At times it seemed like it was me who was in therapy.
One of the key things that ended our meetings was that she hated the idea of me looking at porn. Her opinion of men looking at naked images of women was that we men who did this were sick. That was really the final straw for me anyway. I may be many things but I am not "sick".

@102 Sandiai: First, thanks in advance: I really appreciate getting feedback, support, and encouragement from someone, and your Lisa Simpson icon is most fitting in my situation than you or anyone else could ever imagine. This has been a week of venting for me, and I want to stop something atrocious from reoccurring before summer comes and things go spiraling out of my ability to control---now, or ever again. I want to nip a very likely ugly situation, warranted from many past experiences, in the bud before it has a chance to re-blossom and permanently and irretrievably fuck up my life.
Question: Would you describe either of my overbearing sisters, particularly my oldest sib, as recalcitrant (I looked the term up in the dictionary: "behavior of one who stubbornly resists authority, dominance or guidance")? Should either one try to shame and / or shanghai me into forced white slavery ( i.e.: endless forced upon, on call 24/7 babysitting, housekeeping, dog-watching, waiting on everybody hand and foot--all because I'm the youngest, ad nauseum--and they act as if this is their right!) once the school year is over, would this suddenly and quite possibly renewed undeserved harassment warrant a judge ordered restraining order (my sisters are pushy, not charming and lovable like Susan Sarandon in The Meddler)? Would I be just as recalcitrant to them? Here's a probable can of worms: a longtime friend of mine who knows all about my dysfunctional family status, and who has served as mediator since my parents' passing over the past five years, and who spared me from being subjected to routinely unpleasant, emotionally and physically draining family reunions has moved away for family related reasons of her own, spilling the beans on Facebook to the wrong sister (of mine), when announcing that she was moving out of the area.
Suddenly---within seconds of my friend's publicly emailed revelation of her going away announcement, surprise!----overbearing oldest sis excitedly emails me about arranging an opportunity to come up for a visit--complete with my equally controlling, manipulative older sister, oldest sis's grandson, and presumably her annoyingly undisciplined dog, too. And she'd love to call me up soon "and talk"--she hasn't seen me for ages (anyone care to guess as to why?). Thank heavens for Caller ID and Call Block, and that I haven't heard anything more--yet.
Meanwhile, my absentee brother gasps in amazement, shock, and ire from the safe distance of Never-Never-Land, expressing his contempt and disbelief online----at ME-----for my taking these precautions for the sake of my own self-preservation, three and a half years after restoring my health and sanity--immediately after divorcing his own nagging, controlling wife of three decades and two kids later for dragging him to these half-assed clambakes against his will to attend. Unbelievable.
While I am fully aware that birth orders are among circumstances beyond anyone's control and such a wish is futile, I really have often wondered what the benefits as well as sole responsibilities of my being an only child would have been like.

@124: Okay. Thank you, Dan, Sandiai, and everybody, for providing me the needed emotional outlet. I am blessed with so much in my life right now, and don't need any further intrusion, detours, or repression than I have had to fend myself against so many others off for over half a century.
Interestingly, the V.A. doesn't consider me mentally fucked up enough to offer therapy or counseling.
Maybe that's a mixed blessing---heaven forbid I become a female Randle Patrick McMurphy.

Dear auntie grizelda:
I'm just shaking my head at the behaviours of your ::bites off the two syllables:: "siblings" who are IMO behaving like all-knowing fundamentalist religionists. After all -hear this in a sanctimonious tone- they're only concerned about your welfare and trying to be of help. L.M.B.

As you've lost an ally (and it's now known beyond your control), why not find yourself a "beard" (about whom you can talk on FB as to why you're so busy and unavailable). I'm thinking that someone who interacts with you in your musical endeavours would be ideal. The point is that you don't have to divulge any of the shudder-worthy details of your ex-family life beyond saying that it's awkward and the siblings are extremely intrusive, just that you'd like this buddy to allow you to mention them on FB (definitely using a nickname) or if you're actually replying to any unwelcome communication with the horrible prospect of a forced visit aka intervention.

Sending you much luck in reweaving a life of your own choosing!

Dear auntie griz,
Here's to freedom. Sometimes we are born into the wrong families. Wishing you peace.

@126 Helenka (also a Canuck) and @127 nocutename: Thank you both so much for your kind words of moral support. My FB pal realized a little too late that she'd opened an industrial sized can of worms by blabbing about her relocation, so unfortunately I'm a little on guard about Driscilla and Anastacia (it's like waiting for the other glass slipper to drop). Peter Pan I'm not as worried about, although the current years seem to be catching up with him. In a recent photo, he looks sadly more like Mr. Smee. I guess that's life in the fast lane. My only hope is for the three of them to take care of themselves, live their lives, and I, with those near and dear to my heart continue to live ours.
It is weird, though: by my 10th birthday they were already out of high school and out of the house. We never even attended the same schools. A lot of other kids thought I was an only child until they found out about my older siblings later, then started bugging me about why weren't my sibs enrolled in our district (not good enough?, etc., etc.). I had sort of a Calvin and Hobbes-like upbringing by the 5th grade. At least I had the beach, and gained the company of a sweet little Volkswagen, cool cat, flute, piano, music et. al to soothe the angst of my public school years.
And now in my early fifties I resemble Daria Morgandorffer all the more. All I need is a pleated skirt and combat boots.
Freedom rocks!

@East Coast: your example of social acceptability of male flesh vs female flesh IS an example of how straight male sexuality is reinforced.

Yes, we (meaning men and women) reinforce men as consumers of female sexuality. As for having any sexual value of their own? Not as much.

As I said, it's complicated. It's always complicated.

No SL Week in Review? I must have scared Hunter off again. Dumb luck that.

@venn: you'll be told Society caters to the (Straight) Male Gaze, which explains the limited options in menswear.

Indeed I was (tellingly) told exactly that, although I think the menswear situation is better explained by the want of a comparable Straight Female Gaze.

P.S. This guy is sexy in a physical sense, right, or do you think I'm off in the weeds?

In a physical sense of course, smouldering young Marlon. He could have changed his tshirt. Grease spots are not very sexy.
Better still, just take his shirt off.

The tropes are reinforced. Women aren't visual, so visual stimulation isn't provided for us to consume, therefore we don't consume it, therefore we're deemed to not be visual. Sean is right, it is complicated. And even more complicated by the existence of queer people, muddying the waters. FWIW, I am much more visual when it comes to men than women, in that I can find a male person sexy from photos alone, but I need to experience a woman in person -- her attitude, her demeanor -- in order to be attracted to her. Perhaps that's due to the visual equivalent of olfactory exhaustion: There are so many images of attractive women that images of attractive women are rendered meaningless.

That also said, my taste in men is well apart from the mainstream of what little is presented as male sex appeal. Magic Mike's muscles couldn't give me less of a boner. So, my opinions on what's sexy say next to nothing about what women (in general) like.

Hunter @134: "Interest in the welfare of porn workers invoked 0 interest among the commentariat. One would think that Spank's unusual guilt feelings would generate some discussion."

Why? I pay for music downloads because I believe the musicians should earn some money from their craft. I don't see how wanting to pay for the porn one enjoys is different.

Well, I don't think it matters. And it seems no one else but you thinks it matters. Maybe he is now earning more money (age 44, that would make sense), or maybe he started dating someone who is or was working in the porn industry. Do charities ask why someone never donated before, or do they gratefully accept donations?

Auntie Griz - It looks like Sandiai isn't reading further. Pro-rape bullshit will turn everyone off. I think it's good that you're insisting that your family respect you or you won't engage with them. Also finding people to share interests and work on cooperation and mutual support with, to build your own personal family.

Re porn&stealing&change: First, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is wrong. I wrote about a couple more good ways to support ethical porn. And pirating is stealing. Tube sights have a ton of copyright violations, you're most likely pirating by watching pornhub. But this country has a lot of poor desperate people. Pirating some entertainment may take the edge off of a surly bitter attitude, it can be the less-asshole move. Maybe SPANK got a raise or a great job, and can now afford to make the performers happy, the way that they made him happy. And then there is the self interest. Happy performers means more production. (Sex work is also an area where safety is a big concern as well as profits)

@LavaGirl: He could have changed his tshirt.

Lol. I know it's besides the point, but I'm really digging his hat.

@BiDanFan: Magic Mike's muscles couldn't give me less of a boner.

I watched the second one on an airplane (the first one is on my list). Not everyone's cup of tea, of course, but from what I understand this franchise brought enthusiastic crowds to the theaters.

I found it fascinating. As I was watching it, I wondered if this is what women feel like watching unrealistic presentations of women that shamelessly pander to male tastes. My favorite scene - the guys are in the middle of one of many feelings-sharing sessions, and of them laments his difficulties getting PIV sex because his cock is just too darn big for most women.

Cue the violins!

@seandr: From my perspective, there is nothing remotely sexy about any of the guys in either of the Magic Mike movies, and it's not just their over-amped muscles that keep them out of contention, as far as my own preferences are concerned. It's like they're caricatures of "sexy men." There's something cartoonish about them, but they're not funny in addition to not being sexy to me.

There is also nothing sexy about their performances to me, either. If I were to be somewhere and a performance of that ilk was going on--I honestly can't imagine where I'd be that that would be happening--I'd feel a mixture of discomfort and horror. The VERY LAST THING I'd ever want would to be danced on like that by one of those men at a venue like any shown in either movie.

Marlon Brando, though--young Marlon Brando, hat or not, clean t-shirt or dirty t-shirt, exudes masculinity, sex, and a tiny bit of menace. He's a little bit dangerous. That's sexy (to me).

Agree nocute. Though I enjoyed the dancing in magic mike I and 2, those guys are not my idea of sexy either. Except when magic mike is dancing.

Re: stimulating a woman with visuals.
My Miss N. states flatly that porn and visuals do nothing for her. HOWEVER I can report FIRSTHAND that seeing our MUCH YOUNGER neighbor hubby out mowing his yard or working on his landscaping will cause her head to snap to attention every single time. The message I am getting is that a muscled, thin, YOUNGER man Does indeed look attractive to her, and she can watch that for hours.
My old body has gone "around the bend" visually. Good thing I can still tell a story, and cook.

@139 Philophile: I agree with you and Sandiai and most everyone posting: rape--especially pro-rape, is a big turn-off.
Agreed: freedom from dysfunctional family members and relatives rocks.
I see that Hunter finally came out of hiding in time early this morning for his Week in Review. Ha ha!

@132 LavaGirl mrshorses would beg to differ. I'm no Brando, but she just loooves seeing me doing manly shit with tools, covered in grease and dirt, and cursing violently at brake rotors.

...as long as I stay over yonder, far away from the nice blouse she's wearing.

Regarding women being visual or not, I tend to think it's like most other things we discuss about men vs. women. IMHO, in general, women are more selective than men, and they will typically consider multiple factors in selecting a mate. So perhaps men are more likely to be able to appreciate someone strictly visually while a woman is more likely to want to incorporate many factors, including the visual. And somehow this comes across as men being visual while women are not.

And then there's the further compartmentalization of body parts, with many men being able to appreciate the visual of a close-up of a stranger's vagina, whereas women are less likely to appreciate a visual of a penis if they don't already appreciate other aspects of the guy.

I know I'm a bit late to the party, but reading the comments, I found several suggestions for helping LIBIDOS hubby find 'single' women. I don't think I saw any suggestions regarding finding him a partnered poly woman. The pool of available women in this group might be more accessible.
Poly is one of those things that everyone does differently, and there's not 'One Twue Way' to define it. (F'rinstance, according to one commenter's definition above, s/he wouldn't call me poly, yet I consider myself poly. Also, not all poly relationships are sexual) There may be hope for them to find a way to make their partnership work, even if they are not sexual with each other.