Savage Love

Vacation

Comments

1
@Hurts To Pee: I had the same issue with a fwb. He was not that clean, and I ended up with 3 UTI's in 4 months despite peeing after sex and taking all the other preventative UTI measures. I never had that issue with former bf's, or boyfriends since.

It sucks, but make sure he showers with soap before sex (maybe not necessarily right before, but within a day or two) and that whatever lube you're using is fresh and uncontaminated. Same goes for sex toys and his fingers, make sure they're clean and not going near your vag after coming in contact with your butt.
2
Hey, Orlando Dan! Keep up the good work!
3
Mr Sax - You think this was a success? It was a bit - what's the Sports for twee (reminiscent of the question "What's the French for fiddle-dee-dee?")? Well, FTWL...

I hope Mr Savage Proper plans another college tour soon; he's at risk of losing the Young to Mr Yiannopoulos.
4
Terrific advice by this alternate Dan Savage!
5
Hurts to Pee. Been there. Actually, more than once. Because of the difference in how we're built, guys can be carriers of things and have no idea they have it. He needs to see a doctor and get treated which should put an end to his transmitting it to you.
6
Dan the Man: Have a great well deserved 3-weeks R&R. Enjoy!
Orlando Dan: great job this week!

Hurts to Pee and Orlando Dan: excellent reminders for maintaining good hygiene, and especially when sexually active.
7
@6 +1, happy vacay, Dan, hope you'll post on instagram so I can vicariously envy / enjoy your holiday. new Dan - good answers, except Hurts to Pee, maybe *he* has an infection that needs treating and should get tested, there are "non-STI" UTIs that are transmitted sexually. plus, maybe she should use a condom with him? if she *is* using condoms and his hands are washed, maybe he has an oral infection if he's going down on her? a lot of docs do *not* do a throat culture when testing this kind of thing and *only* think to do a urine test / swab from urethra. and some "healthy" bacteria for one person (like in his mouth) can be unhealthy for another. even the pH of his spunk might upset your natural flora and lead to a secondary UTI. good luck! PS you can be eco friendly and use soap / wash often, just support green energy policies. plenty of fresh water in the world for unlimited hot showers if we had solar and renewables to power desalination, water heaters
8
Erm...

At the very least Hurts to Pee, a condom would provide a barrier between skin funk and your urethra... If showering mote often isn't an option.

At least IME.
9
Welcome, Stand-in Dan! This is going to be fun! I hope so for you, too! Carry on!!
10
@UMW: You didn't mention how often you and your wife _do_ fuck. That's kind of important. "There's nothing you can do to make sex more appealing to me," means something a hell of lot different when you are fucking once a month than when you are already fucking once a day. I expect your frequency is somewhere in between, but you get the idea. Is she being frigid or are you being greedy? Be honest, now.

Second, how many brain cells does it take to figure out that maybe you should try to time your attempts at initiating when the two of you aren't just about to go do something else that fucking would interrupt? From over here in the peanut gallery, it looks like you are trying to test her. Does she love me/desire me enough to abandon existing plans? Miss the first half of the the party? Lose the reservation at the restaurant? Go hungry? Even if that wasn't your intent, that ends up being your effect. Show a little common sense.
11
@8 "a condom would provide a barrier between skin funk and your urethra"

A barrier between foreskin funk and urethra for sure, but not the area around the penis that gets ground in there. Butt crack sweat flowing into ball sweat, and bacteria allowed to flourish in the pubic hair area...all that mixes around in the sweat and movement of sex. A person can wash sufficiently with little water. He can use organic soap and stand in a bucket, then pour the water on something that could use it.
13
Old Dan Savage (ODS) would have checked with a doctor for HTP's question. I'm not sure if New Dan Savage (NDS) knows he's allowed to. Showering only weekly is one difference between HTP's current partner and others, but it's surely not the only one, and it might not be the pertinent one as to why she's getting UTI's with him and not others. Different positions, different sizes, different amounts of time they go at it, all these things can rub against the urethra different ways. Unwashed may have different basic chemistry* that's not washing off with soap and water even when he does wash. The next time HTP sees her doctor, she should explain and ask.

In the mean time, she should ask her partner to wash before having sex with her. Since water use is an issue for him, she should ask him to wash without a whole shower. Put about a quart of water in a container. Stand in the shower. Wet hands and whole genital area by dipping them in the water, soap up, then pour the rest of the water over to rinse. Armpits can be washed the same way if odor ever does become an issue. (Kudos for recognizing that healthy people don't necessarily smell bad. I like the way most healthy men smell and have been known to ask my boyfriend to shower after sex, not before. I don't want him washing his scent off.) Whether or not he wants to save water, he needs to wash his hands after each bathroom use. Insist on this. Come to think of it, if he's not doing this, there's your answer right there. The problem isn't his penis, it's his hands.

Something else to bring up with the doctor. If HTP is getting UTIs after sex frequently, and if each UTI means a whole course of antibiotics, she could take less antibiotics overall by taking a single dose of macrodantin as a preventative.

*By different body chemistry I mean that we all have full ecosystems of microbes that live within and without us. This is a positive thing and not something to be washed off except in a surgical setting. I couldn't think of a short way to sum that up.
14
Dr. Bronner soap with tea tree oil may have helped my male partner stop retransmitting bacteria to me. Rough sex that irritates the urethra or bladder may also be a factor - try different positions? And definitely keep peeing after sex. (I am neither a doctor nor a Dan Savage.)
16
UMW: Stop being a dumbass. Of COURSE your wife didn't want to screw up plans for dinner or socialising for sex -- particularly when she could just have sex with you later on. (Did you?) This means she is NORMAL. The vast majority of women, of human beings, are capable of keeping it in their pants when they have other obligations. Is she rebuffing you when you initiate sex at times when it actually is possible to take the time and go have sex? Maybe use those examples in the future. Otherwise, yes, accept that you did fuck up by expecting the ridiculous and communicating that to your wife. And pick your moments better next time.
17
HTP--most likely scenario is that she is washing her genitals too much, and eliminating her body's defenses against her partner's normal flora.

I'd also ask what contraception they are using (a diaphragm may be contributing to this problem).
18
Clancy @8: Some reading up on female anatomy might be helpful for you. The urethra is located near the clitoris. During copulation, that area is rubbing either against the man's pubic region or his balls, depending on whether they are face to face or he is behind her. Neither of these areas will be contained by a condom. Dude needs to at least soap off his nether regions before fucking. (But yes, also use condoms, if they are not already -- the letter does not mention; I'd be inclined to give casual sex havers the benefit of the doubt.)

Avast @10: Exactly.
19
I'm not a sportsball fan at ALL, but I have to say, this was a pretty good gimmick.

@13 I had the same thought about medical advice, too. Overall, though, good column.
20
"I love the chase" - translation: "I love drama games".
22
Mr Avast and Ms Fan - I refer the assembled company to the Hallowe'en episode of My So-Called Life in which Patty, who leaves off getting costumes for herself and Graham until the last day, gets stuck with Rapunzel and a pirate instead of Bill and Hillarry. They fight down their evopsychy responses to their costumes and the attendant tradcon gendre roles until shortly before they are due to leave, when they bestow their whole bowl of candy on one group of trick-or-treaters, yield to their passion and miss Camille's party completely, Patty even going so far as to tell Camille the next day that they would have appeared as the Clintons. Presumably LW would like something along that line.
23
A really good job by the alternate Dan Savage.

But I'm taken off guard; after reading our Dan's column forever, last week I sent him my first advice request ever. Now maybe the alternate Dan will answer it and our Dan wouldn't have. Or neither. But I *really* wanted OUR Dan's advice.
24
My main objection to the gimmick (though at least it had some freshness to it) is that relationships tend to be more pair sports than team sports. It's unfortunate that Mr Savage Proper didn't happen to know some other Mr Savage whose expertise lay in ice dancing or mixed doubles.
25
@18 The condom suggestion threw me off too. He needs to wash his junk.

Open question - how much could oral hygiene play into the UTI issue? I would think it would be important also.
27
Ven #3 I've seen you mention Yiannopoulos multiple times, and from what I'm able to decipher, you appear to hold him in some esteem. I'm curious what it is about his "message" that appeals to you and that would somehow appeal to The Youth?
28
On the UTI's...

In addition to just bacteria hanging out on somebody's skin, guys can carry bacteria in their urethras that your urethra doesn't like. Guys also do sex differently, so this guy may be doing something that's moving your own bacteria around in a way that other guys you've been with haven't been doing. Maybe he's less careful about getting his finger near your butt then fingering your front, for example.

Anyway, point is, the bathing may not be the problem.
29
Dear Dan Savage, I'm a straight woman in my 40s, and I've been with my husband for more than 20 years. He's a great guy, but he has a terrible habit of trying to initiate sex just when we are about to go out to dinner or a party. After we get home, he's had so much to drink he just passes out, leaving me to masturbate on my own. The other day, he came to me and said he was frustrated with us not having sex as frequently as he'd like. He berated me for not dropping social plans to have sex with him right then and there. He accused me of "preferring" socialising to sex, even though we could have sex any other time and he's not interested! It was hurtful for him to be so demanding, and it certainly didn't make me want sex with him any more. What gives, Dan?
30
I think eco-consciousness is great, but people like Hurts to Pee's fwb drive me crazy. Just get a low-flow showerhead and limit your time in the shower to a couple minutes every day or two to wash off the crucial body parts like genitals and armpits. This isn't going to use much water at all, and you're not going to do things like cause raging infections in your sex partners.
31
Welcome Other Dan Savage, I like the sports metaphor gag and the actual advice. Well done.
32
Why does it hurt when I pee?
Original studio version with some unauthorized animation (I didn't do it)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiu6DFXe…

Sporty Savage- Don’t get me wrong, all and all I like.
I still think basketball may make you some sort of a couples expert, yet when it comes to more than 2-3, really long passes, diving headers, slide tackles, or breaking the offside trap there’s only one game that gets it right.

BDF @ 29 just scored a very nice goal.

33
avast @10 and BiDanFan @16 & 29 -- spot on.

I wonder if UMW is subconsciously trying to screw up their sex life by proposing sex at bad times and then acting all hurt and rejected, so they don't end up having sex at more normal times either. Hint: normal times when long-married couples have sex are when they go to bed, when they wake up in the morning, or any time the two of you are relaxing without any plans and no one else is home.

When you have plans to go out and have sex anyway, that's called a "quickie." Quickies are fun but usually I don't relax enough to come during a quickie. So do you think your wife heard your request as an indication that you're more interested in your immediate pleasure than in hers?

Also, did you try to initiate after she already had done her hair & makeup? If so, that really seems like you were just causing trouble rather than sincerely thinking she'd respond positively.
34
"I'm a straight guy in my 40s, and I've been with my wife for more than 20 years. I'm incredibly attracted to my wife. Recently, I've been a bit frustrated with us not having sex as frequently as I'd like. So I broached the subject with her. I tried to be easygoing about it, but maybe I fucked that up. Basically, I told her that I fantasize about her daily and would like to have sex more often."

What is a good frequency of sex for a guy in his 40s, with his wife for more than 20 years? Do they have kids? Do they both have jobs? Are they in good health? Does fuck and repeat a few minutes later count as two times?

If both are in good health, minimum 5-7 times a week might be enough to keep him happy. Or maybe they already do it every night, and he wants morning and night.

35
Hi Dan Savage from another mother and father, did you catch the game between Australia and the U.S. today.. we did alright, losing by ten points was pretty damn good. The Americans looked a little taken aback for a while there.

36
I'm in my 20s with an unusually high sex drive, and seven times a week sounds like a chore, unless it's on my honeymoon or something.
37
EricaP @33: "Also, did you try to initiate after she already had done her hair & makeup? If so, that really seems like you were just causing trouble rather than sincerely thinking she'd respond positively." Yes. On a few occasions, I've had plans with my toyboy to go out to dinner, and we end up having a quickie, and afterwards we are both sweaty and feeling too relaxed to get showered and dressed again so the plans don't happen. So if I actually want to check out this new restaurant or whatever, I have to postpone the sex -- much as I'd like to have sex! And you're absolutely right that "hey, we have 10 minutes, let's have sex" comes across as "I'd like for YOU to get ME off." No wonder she'd rather wait until you have time for MUTUALLY enjoyable sex.

Always @34: Your signoff is accurate. A 20-years-married couple in their 40s is statistically more likely to be having sex two or three times a week. I too am a horndog and sex every day sounds like a chore. Sex is more satisfying when you've had to wait a day or a few to get it!
38
But LW1 (UMW) claims he is not getting enough. Stastics don't matter to him. And sex should never be a "chore."
39
After 20 years of marriage, I suspect LW#1 gets turned on when he sees the wife get all dressed up to go out - so good advice to plan something specific for sex; maybe a dress up date at home.

As for LW#2 - he said 4 1/2 years ago he preferred monogamy; seems misguided to enter a relationship hoping he will reconsider at a later date. It may not have been wasted time for either of them, but seemed doomed from the start. Time to move on.

LW#3 - Yes, your clueless ecosexual should shower already, but a wet washcloth by the bed is good too...
40
Good job alterna-Dan Savage.

For the first guy, I would also note that she might be more responsive to a quickie if it meant you might do something fun besides penis-in-vagina sex. I am only down for a PiV quickie if it isn't a quickie for me (eg my fiance gets a quickie before work but I lounge in bed and enjoy myself afterwards) because I don't feel like doing anything after being fucked. If we both have to be out the door, then we generally keep it to other mutually enjoyable sex, like BJ and vibrator, or some body-worship and masturbation.

Also, as regular-Dan always points out, your wife might generally say yes more often if she didn't *always* have to get fucked - if you were shaking things up with other kinds of sex and play. And, as general advice from women everywhere, she might be more receptive if it was more about her desirability than your entitlement to her body. Tell her how hot she is right now, rather than how much you want her or how horny you are. Don't keep groping her body if she's not receptive. Try to be playful about it - make lots of little openings/advances when you yourself aren't super committed one way or the other (which again helps make it about her desirability rather than your sex drive) rather than pinning all your hopes on making a request when you really are super horny. If you start feeling super hung up about getting it now, just masturbate a little extra.

Lastly, if she's feeling disproportionately bad for almost-but-not-quite meeting your needs, it may indicate that she has been already stretching past what she really wants (like, she wants to want it but...), or that something else is overwhelming her, or that she's got some insecurities that you've inadvertently poked at. Regardless, you should probably schedule some maintenance-counseling just to get your communication back up and running and take the guesswork out of it.
41
A lot of women get UTI's, even from men who shower daily, because they wait too long after sex to pee. I used to get them sometimes when I was first sexually active, but I started peeing within 5 minutes or so after sex, and I haven't had one since (even if my partner hasn't showered for days). Pee after sex!!!
42
"eco-conscious lifestyle"
You can save the planet without being a filthy hippie you know. Heck, you can be a hippie without being a filthy one.
43
Unless they're a dedicated user of the bidet everyone carries a small stool sample in their ass crack and taint until the next washing. This means Hippie Dude was fuck-sweating a week's worth of bowel movements all over her.

Also: Milo Yiannopoulos is an irredeemable piece of shit and the only thing we can learn from him is how human beings shouldn't act.
44
You guys think a 40-something guy, married for 20+ years, is having sex several times a week?
45
AGHN: The best defense is not a 2-3 zone.

Box-and-1 vastly superior.
46
@30

For sure, especially since showers aren't really how people use too much water. Its that lawn. Lawns are 70% of residential water use in the US of A. If you really want to help the environment, walk, bike and use transit, don't have a lawn, eat real food, and try to recycle etc. Things like showers and water/energy efficient appliances are nice, but that stuff is really on the margin of your climate impact.
47
Ms Lava - Well, the tennis has been delightful - all the top seeds knocked out, Sr Nadal is assured of at least one medal, and we may see that rare occurrence - a Murray-Nadal final, for the honour of being the first player to win two singles gold medals.
48
#44 "You guys think a 40-something guy, married for 20+ years, is having sex several times a week?"

Lots of 40-something guys do. Especially if the guy lets the wife know that he will never be too tired when she wants sex.
49
jaymz @ 39
“I suspect LW#1 gets turned on when he sees the wife get all dressed up to go out - so good advice to plan something specific for sex; maybe a dress up date at home.“

I suspect this to be an accurate observation, followed by a fun, creative, and (hopefully) easily implemented advice.
50
Always @38: The difference is whether UMW's complaint of not "enough" sex is likely to be seen as valid. If the frequency of their sex life is below average, then Mrs UMW may be swayed to try to get into the mood more often. If they are already having way more sex than a typical couple, like Avast says, he's just being greedy and needs to suck it up and be grateful for what he is getting. If they're both up for daily sex, great; but if not, remember that she's a wife, not a sex worker. Compromise.

Jaymz @39: "After 20 years of marriage, I suspect LW#1 gets turned on when he sees the wife get all dressed up to go out" -- Genius. Of course this is the explanation for his lousy timing! Perhaps they need to schedule post-work date nights, where she meets him at dinner, already dolled up. Then they go home and shag.

Footface @44: UWM didn't say how frequently "not as frequently as I'd like" is. Without any more information than that, my guess is that it's the typical 2-3 times a week. If it was five to seven, I doubt he'd be complaining.
51
And if he IS getting sex five to seven times a week and is still complaining, then he's being unrealistic and needs to reacquaint himself with his hand.
52
@43
Unless they're a dedicated user of the bidet everyone carries a small stool sample in their ass crack and taint until the next washing.

A bottle of water works great too and doesn't involve rebuilding your bathroom.
53
When UMW brought up the frequency of sex he notes: "I made my wife cry by bringing this up." Whether or not his examples were ideal to demonstrate his feeling regarding the frequency of sex, his wife's response (crying) was emotionally manipulative, and designed to shut down discussion. Yes, yes, if UMW and his wife are having sex three times per week and UMW wants more, that's not necessarily reasonable, but his wife isn't responding with words to that effect. She bullies him into silence by crying, and crying as a first response is designed to put another person onf the defensive and get them to respond to their emotional need. UMW needs to bring up this issue again, and his wife needs to respond in a mature, respectful way, with words too. If UMW is full of bullshit, then his wife should call him on it, but her reaction suggests to me that she knows he has reason want more sex.

AGHN needs to bluntly state the conditions for staying in this relationship, and make it a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. Either way, AGHN needs to tell her boyfriend that she will start pursuing sex with other women immediately. AGHN mentions that her boyfriend isn't skilled in certain kinks, but doesn't elaborate. If her boyfriend is willing to learn, then she should be helping him get up to speed.

As for HTP, I cannot imagine having sex with someone whose is hygiene is so poor that you're getting infections. I appreciate that humans are naturally teeming with bacteria, most of it benign, if not helpful, but however noble this man's reasons are, he needs to bathe more frequently.
54
LW1; now where have I heard this question before. Obviously so many of you guys read from the same playbook.
" I'm not getting enough sex. I just want her to want me."
LW2; Yes, you two are doomed.
LW3; Yuck. Your letter just conjures up an image of a slime covered dick.
No one ever told me to piss after sex, untill now. And how does this stop infection anyway.
55
UMW: I am with Lava. This man need to read more SL. Dick is in oversupply, get over yourself, men must seduce a woman somehow. It requires work:...is not enough to simply have an erection.
LW 3 Geez why force yourself to bed a stinky lazy guy. The Very first thing we were taught at our sex ed. class was wash, wash, wash, and shave.!
57
SA @53: Or maybe she cried because he was a dick. We don't know; we weren't there. All we know about UMW's wife is that she's a perfectly normal woman who doesn't want to have sex after she's just done her makeup. Your charges of "emotional manipulation" are pure misogyny.

SB53 @55: You were taught to shave in sex ed!? Wow. All I was taught was how humans get pregnant, and how not to.

Cocky @56: UTIs aren't fatal. And Lava, the reason you should pee after sex is that the stream of urine washes everything out of the area, "everything" being semen, vaginal juices, fecal matter, and sweat, none of which belong up someone's urethra. I was never told this, but I always have to pee after sex anyway! Much better than waking up in the middle of the night to have to go to the bathroom.
58
UTIs can most certainly be fatal, if they work their way up into your kidneys.
59
54-Lava-- The garden variety urinary tract infection and/or cystitis happens when the wrong sort of bacteria gets pushed into the urinary tract and/or bladder. Then the bacteria have to sort of take root and grow. The first trick to prevention is to wash the bad bacteria out quickly. Some women find it helpful to pee immediately after sex. Others find it helpful to drink extra water all the time, more than they're thirsty for, to help wash out the bladder and urinary tract often. Another trick is to drink blueberry and/or cranberry juice as these both have a chemical in them that make it hard for the bacteria to settle on the bladder wall.

(None of these natural remedies/preventions has ever worked squat for me.)

The other trick is to figure out what's sending the bacteria into the urethra. Women are taught to wipe front to back after bowel movements (and then wash hands) to prevent natural bacteria from getting near the urethra. Many women find that naturally thinning vaginal walls + less lubrication with menopause makes them more susceptible to infections. Particularly long lasting sex or certain positions or penis size can make women more susceptible. Women who use diaphragms for birth control get more UTIs.

It looks like I've gone overboard answering your question. This subject is too near and dear to my heart. The takeaway advice is this: If women find themselves getting infections often, instead of just going to a clinic for another prescription of antibiotics, go to a specialist, explain how often you're getting the infections, and ask for advice.
60
@57/BiDanFan: I'm a graduate of one of the Seven Sisters, calling me a misogynist is utterly baseless, and throwing around such a charged accusation is pathetic. I disagree with people in the comments section regularly, but I don't need to resort to ad hominem attacks.

UMW's wife didn't cry when he approached her for sex, she cried when he later broached that subject. Rather than respond with words, she reacted by crying, and however lame his examples, she was fully capable of calling bullshit on him (if he's full of it) or discussing his feelings and verbally expressing her own. Instead what she accomplished was shutting down the conversation, getting UMW to apologize, and ending the discussion. I call that emotional manipulation. And however dickish his approach to this subject may have been, it wasn't outrageous, UMW doesn't sound like dick from his letter, and he deserves a mature dialogue with his wife.
61
@57 I went to a catholic school and the "facts of life" movie had long sections on showering and cleanliness: lots of soapy scrubbing as well as teeth-brushing and deodorant-ing and shaving. Later in the flick came the cartoon of the sperm and the egg.
62
See here people? Sports/Love/Sex/Life.... Not too different after all! :D
63
60-Sublime-- I'll probably be sorry I asked, but where was the movie recommending women shave? Just armpits and legs, I assume? And in what context? Were girls taught it was part of being clean, or was it acknowledged that shaving is a matter of style and preference? Was menstruation represented as sinful?
64
Nice job, sports dude.
65
Ok, long-time reader here, including the comments!, first time I write. Hi to Fichu, Lava, Venn, Ricardo and the rest!
LW3: as well as washing genitals daily, I agree with what someone said about hands. All my special friends who come round for sex chez moi have been drilled to take their shoes off and wash their hands, in that order, pretty much as soon as they come through the door (while I offer them a drink - it's better to do it first, avoids interruptions later!). This has greatly reduced the number of instances when my lovely gynecologist shakes her head saying, you have another infection... The guys smile but are happy to oblige :)
66
@60 SA

Fwiw, the response also struck me as misogynistic (the response, not necessarily you personally) in the vein of "women are manipulative not genuinely expressing emotions.

I grew up in a fucked up home and I'm pretty sensitive. When I'm upset it takes enormous effort not to cry and I often fail. I've been accused of being manipulative and it really pisses me off because I actually try very hard not to cry in front of other people. The LWs wife likely heard "you don't satisfy me sexually" even if it wasn't phrased that way. That would make me cry too.
67
Ms Castora - Welcome to you.
68
Mx Wanna - I regard you as an Expert Witness - can you shed light on the flap over Ms Solo during and after the US-Sweden game?
69
@63/Fichu: None of my comments reference shaving. I believe that you wanted to direct your comment to @sb53. For the record, I attended a public school which had a medically-based, comprehensive sexual education classes from 4-12 grades, taught co-educationally, with additional separate sessions for boys and girls.

@66/East Coast: I hear you, but reading my comment about one situation for which we've been provided facts, and suggesting it can fairly be read to encompass all women goes far, far beyond what I wrote and the circumstance to which it pertains. I don't think that is a reasonable standard, and one which would leave certain regular commenters guilty of repeated instances of gender bias.
70
Hi castora, welcome.
SA, maybe she cried because this guy, her husband, has been going on and on about not enough sex, not enough sex, not enough sex, for twenty long years now and it just makes her sad. Or maybe she was cutting onions at the time.
I hated that not enough sex issue in my marriage and we did have it a few times a week. Pressure is never good for the erotic juices to flow.
sb53 is onto something, woo the woman, seduce her..
If the sex is really infrequent then yes there is an issue here, and he needs to sit her down and insist on a talk.
72
Sorry Sublime, I addressed the wrong person. My comment should have read:

61- sb53-- I'll probably be sorry I asked, but where was the movie recommending women shave? Just armpits and legs, I assume? And in what context? Were girls taught it was part of being clean, or was it acknowledged that shaving is a matter of style and preference? Was menstruation represented as sinful?
73
Hunter: "Genital shit." Nice. If you think you have a UTI, you should go to a doctor that can order a urinalysis. Some Planned Parenthood clinics may be able to run those labs and some may not. Funding has been slashed lately.
74
Fichu: I don't know what film sb saw but if you've spent any time around adolescents, any and all advice to practice ordinary good hygiene is appreciated by the rest of us. I remember those kinds of movies from my secular public junior high health/sex ed class and they didn't go into where women need to shave or menstruation being sinful. They were just trying to address the issue of changing bodies and the need to wash. I believe they mentioned shampooing hair and using deodorant, too, and a lot of teachers were probably grateful for that.

75
Venn @ 68
Not sure as I didn’t watch the game and have no desire to do so at this emerging lovely Friday night point of my life. If you allude to booing Ms. Solo than the reason is that before boarding the plane she made some comments about zika and staying on the boat or the hotel and apparently some locals took it very personally.
On the positive side, this and other early observations may have made Brazilians motivated to get the games going smoothly, which they have been so far considering the magnitude.
Spurs at Everton tomorrow morning Savageville time. Rest assured/be warned, a detailed account is likely to follow.

In other news: in what was labeled as “today’s more thoughtful conversations,“ “Mx” has been inducted into the Oxford dictionary and I ‘d like to thank you for spreading the word.
http://www.out.com/news-opinion/2015/8/2…

76
Venn; I havent seen much of the tennis. I've watched mainly the swimming and gymnastics, so far. How's Phelps form. Does anyone else see a slight resemblance between him and Regular Dan Savage?
77
Hilarious how many commenters knew immediately that "married 20 years guy" was clueless. Hopefully he'll scan the comments and see that, by the time you're 40, you should have figured out the basic common sense of making sure your partner isn't hungry and on her way out the door when you initiate. No wonder she cried. She must have been thinking, "Why is my husband still such a selfish moron?"
78
HTP: BabygoddamnWipes! I had the same situation when I first started hooking up with my partner 3 years ago, also a non-stinky non-shower type. I already carried eco-friendly/biodegradable/unscented baby wipes at all times, a trick I learned on "The Road" because truck stop showers are not my jam. I got a UTI after our first weekend of marathon sex and just casually, no blame, suggested he utilize the wipes as a way to freshen up without wasting water. Pro tip: hit a wipe with a lil' water and a couple drops of soap, lather up, use 2 more wipes to "rinse" said soap. And you are Good. To. Go. Yes, it's a throwaway product, but it's a pretty legit compromise for his eco-friendly dick to visit your sweet, sweet vajay.
79
Mx Wanna - I was referring to her calling the Swedish team "cowards" for finding a way to win ugly despite being badly overmatched. My point of reference would be that Steffi Graf never called Arantcha Sanchez Vicario a coward for keeping the ball to her backhand.
80
Ms Lava - The one weird thing is that Puerto Rico is allowed to field competitors of its own, yet Scotland isn't. But it seems almost all pleasant.
81
Mr. Venn- It could have been worse, Ms. Solo has some domestic violence incidents in her portfolio.

Round football players and fans alike are slightly less reserved than folks you might see on and around the tennis court. We got tons of McEnroes.
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Mx Wanna - I'm aware of the rowdy potential of the fan base, but I've seen her comments drawing near-universal condemnation, whereas Mr McEnroe (J) had his supporters.
83
Well don, alternate Dan. I was afraid that this was going to be a column about ball handling but was pleasantly surprised.

Of course, the alternative might have been interesting as well ....
84
Venn- we may not differ on this issue, I also think her condemnation is well deserved. And she should have known better since some of her previous posts also got her in trouble.

I once again mention beating up family members while intoxicated, because like other famous female soccer players in the US she has huge following among young women and teenage girls.
I hope followers and republican voters alike will realize that “straight shooter” often means “asshole.”
85
@36 You definitely don't have an "unusually high sex drive" then.
86
Alison @58: Thanks, that is good to know.

Sublime @60: I don't resort to ad hominem attacks either; calling a statement misogynist is not calling a person misogynist. And claiming that going to a Seven Sisters school makes one incapable of misogyny is about as ridiculous as "I can't be a racist, I have black friends."

You don't know that Mrs UMW's only / initial / immediate response was to cry, only that at some point during this conversation she got upset enough to cry. Your assumption that the tears were calculated and purposeful rather than a genuine expression of her emotions is, well, misogynist is the only word for it. I do agree that they should approach the subject again when they can both have a rational conversation. But I disagree that she wasn't entitled to a natural, valid reaction when he confronted her.

Fichu @63: I'm wondering why you've made the assumption that these instruction videos only told women to shave.
I can see that educational materials aimed at pubescents would include information on "you will be growing hair where you didn't have it before; here are some optional hair removal techniques." In fact, having typed that out I do now recall wax and depilatories being discussed in health class. But "you'll grow hair in new places" is also applicable to boys and their faces, so why would that be omitted?

East @66: Thank you.

Nocute @73: Chuckling at your use of the word "slashed." :)

Jack @85: Oh yes she does. Don't date many women, do you?
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Hunter @87: How on earth does UMW's fantasising about his wife every day tell us that he "doesn't get it that often"? He could be fantasising about her every day AND fucking her every day. Or every other day. His fantasising about her every day just tells us that he is horny, and still attracted to his wife after 20 years. I fantasise about my partners daily and I'm getting plenty, thanks.
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@55 I nominate sb53 the winner of the UMW and HTP threads!
Spot on and well said. UMW must be part Mississippi leg hound.
90
@55: sb53, I nominate you the winner of the UMW and HTP threads. UMW sounds like he's at least half Mississippi leg hound--jeezus! Well said and spot on.
@86 BiDanFan: Forget about Jack (@85)--he's trolling.
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@89 and @90: O-o-o-o-o-o-kay. There it is. Sorry for my double post, although I added a comment in @90 to BiDanFan (@86).
93
86-- BiDan-- I don't have a clear idea of what those instructional videos were like, so my assumptions are a mishmosh of things I've picked up here and there added with some imagination. I'm sure I'm wrong which is why I'm asking. (The only video I've seen was put out by the Kotex company I think and was shown to the girls in my 5th grade class 45 years ago.) I'm prepared to be outraged and welcome correction to my misconceptions. As far as I'm concerned, body hair can be shaved or left alone according to preference and style. There's this idea that it's cleaner to shave, but that's not true. So I was wondering if girls were being told that they have to shave at the same time they're being told that it's a good idea to wash often.
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Auntie @90: I don't think Jack is trolling. I think Jack is applying the male definition of "extremely high sex drive" to a woman. He's doing the equivalent of saying a 5'11" woman is not "tall."

Hunter @92: UMW hasn't said how often he is getting sex, as Avast @10 wisely pointed out. As we've seen many, many times, "I would like to be having more sex" is not the same thing as "I am not having much sex." Since UMW has not specified -- and since pretty much all of the "we hardly ever have sex" questions do seem to specify the infrequency of the sex -- the most reasonable guess for how often he is having sex is "an average amount" (which seems to be "less than I'd like" for most men and many women). But this may or may not be the case. As Avast said, it's probably somewhere in between once a month and once a day, and the validity of his complaint hinges on which extreme he lies closer to.

Fichu @93: I think it's only porn that's telling girls they have to shave their pubic hair*. Health class, for me 30 years ago anyway, dealt with leg and underarm hair. And was probably a decent module to have, considering how many leg shaving/waxing injuries are suffered by pubescents who don't know what they're doing.
* I dispute the validity of porn as an instruction manual, but many young people seem to view it as one.
97
@72 In catholic school us guys had sex-ed separate from the women. I don't know what the girls were told back then, but my comments here at SL related to what us men were told. This happened PRIOR to me being interested in the fair sex, BTW, and I recall that at the time this occurred I was just noticing some pubic hair showing up along with some hair on my lip and under my arms. I had 2 older sisters and they were NOT resources for information in any of these areas.
Geez thinking back at those years and how much more* clueless I was I just cringe.
* I am still partly clueless btw ;-)
PS THNX Auntie!
98
sb53
"Sex is dirty, shameful, we can't even talk about it, and you only do it with people you really really love."
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Hunter @96: Good call! So that's why he only approaches his wife for sex when he knows full well she will say no. It's so obvious now. :)
102
No, the purpose of Homocentric August is NOT to show how we can serve the Wainthropps so, so well. I should know.

(Like most novel approaches, that view of the purpose is not without potential interest, but it's been overdone.)

103
On the subject of sex ed in the schools-- I noticed that there's a 3D printed anatomically correct clitoris for use in French sex ed classes. There's also clitoris shaped jewelry.
105
I used to have a poster on my wall with a series of photos showing a woman's vulva in various stages of arousal. Very nice.
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@98 Mx Wanna
That message is exactly what we received!! I recall my buddy Rick asking our Sister Mary Elephant if "it was sinful to look at my own body naked in the mirror"
The nun didn't hesitate saying that "yes;..looking at a nude body ANY nude body was sinful"
This began to build my doubts about the veracity of what they were telling us. It took me until age 16 to totally check out of "the faith" . Much happier and saner since!
107
UMW - You sound well matched. She doesn't listen to your need for sex and you don't listen to her need to fulfill social commitments. When you both start listening to each other maybe you can find ways to both get what you need. And, if I want more sex from a guy, I don't beg for favors. Inspiring by showing them a good time works better for me. But I don't respect beggars. I respect awesome lovers a hell of a lot though.

AGHN - Well, you could cheat. That's probably what you're going to do if you're writing in. But that is a temporary fix that will lead to a nastier breakup than would happen if you simply stopped beating the dead horse and looked for someone who wanted the same major things you do.

HTP - Question for a doctor. And _inform him of the problem_. It's probably hygiene. But maybe you need drugs or condoms with this guy, talk about a gameplan with your gyno.