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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
PFFT (aka LW1)- Unfortunately your struggle with good sex and ltr is a universal phenomenon. I have no advice as I am happily divorced.
LW2 (aka TOP)- thanks for chiming in. You are a living encouraging evidence that older folks are still sexual and are open to trying new things.
Unfortunately you’re also a living discouraging evidence that younger men are so much easier to find than younger women, or women of any age for that matter.
Theatrical Dan seems to agree, at least on the men-finding side of it.
LW3-
Don’t be so negative and stop snooping around. Another possibility is you having sex with two men, assuming you like the idea.
That said, not all men who take it up their ass to some degree or another like to be dominated or identify as “bitch,” like Theatrical is suggesting.
But, I'm not you, and you're not me. Do what you gotta do to be happy. Crave confusion if you must, just don't cry about never being able to have stable relationships.
TOP: According to the Center for Disease Control, http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-a… "If you are sexually active you can get HPV, and nearly all sexually active people get infected with HPV at some point in their lives. So...as a 65 year-old man, odds are you've already got it. Get tested, 'cause I think getting vaccinated now is probably like closing the barn door once the horse is already out.
PORN: In the "whatever floats your boat"category, and also the "What the hell is the world coming to when people can't even screw without having their nose buried in their phone?" category... If you can be satisfied with a relationship where your partner is so disconnected from you that he needs porn to be able to fuck, I guess I say, "More power to you." If it was me, though, I'd surely say, "Wow! Definitely time to get our asses to a marriage counselor!"
TOP, keep asking around — Planned Parenthood is an excellent suggestion — until you find a doctor with a brain who will give you the vaccine. And enjoy yourself.
I thought not.
Hi Dan visitor, don't mind these old men, jealous that you still have enthusiasm for life. !!!!!
@8 is the person who responds to the email storm by replying all to say "you are all idiots who hit replied all to tell us not to reply all, for the love of god everybody stop hitting reply all!!!"
But generally speaking, most healthcare providers will *not* prescribe a vaccine outside of the CDC recommended age ranges, even though it is legal and ethical to do so.
So TOP will likely have to hunt around. When I got HPV vaccine I had to call MANY health care providers before I found one willing to prescribe over-the-age-range. Planned Parenthood is a good suggestion.
TOP also needs to read up on STIs -- cold sores are cause by HSV and the HPV vaccine doesn't help with this. Nor do condoms as herpes can easily be transmitted skin-to-skin even with a condom (something the regular Dan reminds people of).
Also, there are over 20 strains of wart-causing HPV viruses, so even 9-valent HPV vaccine doesn't protect against all of the wart-causing HPV strains. And it may prevent esophageal and rectal cancers, not just cervical cancers.
That's most certainly been my experience ever since my beard turned white 5 or 6 years ago: since then, the only ones who pay attention to me are kids in their 20s looking for a father figure (which annoys me to no end).
Perhaps he's in a similar predicament, but he's too high on feeling desired that he doesn't (yet) mind not having anything else in common with the people he's exploring his sexuality with. It may also suit him for the time being to do it with guys who are also exploring theirs.
Does anyone think that this sentence makes any sort of sense? Coz it doesn't to me.
A vast improvement over last week's column, though the previous guest did his best. One cannot expect a Wainthropp to know that relationships are more similar to pair sports than to team sports. For them, of course, sex always is a team sport - if they don't start with three, then at least they'll end with three some months later.
L1 - The advice is moderately banal, but really more FTWL than anything else. [non-HA: I am reminded of My So-Called Life and Patty's reaction to the suggestions in Camille's women's magazine for Putting the Spice Back In One's Marriage.] But LW has an advantage here in that she already has a taste for "forbidden" sex acts. The one thing that would sound the death knell for a relationship of hers would be legalization of OS marriage. In a loose paraphrase of Mr Wilde, to deprive people of what they want, give it to them.
L2 - As we all know that Pray Away The Straight doesn't work, LW2 is making up for lost time after decades of devoting himself to his work or perhaps finding out that it really WAS a phase after all, just a remarkably long one. Or perhaps he's really Judy Nelson in parallel time.
[note to Ms Ank - it's possible that (Grand?)Daddy Chasers are all LW2 can get, or at least his best market] I am going to ding LW2 for being a bit selfish and not teaching (G)S2 a little bit about topping. This letter has a bit of a feel of Mr Merrick about it, if memory serves. His characters always seemed to be teaching each other useful things about themselves in the bedroom (and not too many other places, come to think of it). But, apart from that, LW2 has not done (G)S2 any harm.
I am tempted to ding Mr Savage Guest for blurring LW2's appeal in a market that reflects his specialized tastes with the chances available to the general population at LW's age, but that's a minor quibble. [another side note - I am shocked that Ms Lava has not complained that it is impossible for a male at the decrepit age of 65 to be able to satisfy any partner without a constant diet of Viagra]
L3 - LW3 gets a major deduction for inappropriate introduction of the C word - confrontation. So H3 has good taste in porn; that does not merit the C word. LW3 probably deserves to be divorced, but first I'd want to get a sense that H3 deserves better.
I will ding Mr Savage Guest on this one for the conclusion, for which there is only the flimsiest fragment of a hint to justify it - and what a bit of classic YGG.
And sometimes health insurance won't reimburse outside of recommended age range and patients won't pay back the doc, and the vaccine is quite expensive and the doc doesn't want to have to get hit with it especially in a family practice where they don't make much money.
Medicare might pay the doc $85 for the office visit, and she / he gets stuck $177 a dose for the vaccine if the health insurance doesn't pay and the patient shafts the doc.
I agree about the “flimsiest“ conclusion, yet wonder what made it a “classic YGG” gold medalist.
delta- can you elaborate on "patient shafts the doc?"
I'm sure in the world there are healthy men over 65 who don't need help, Venn. I'm just not willing to bet on it.
We have a DrTom.. I wonder if he's available for consults.
If your sex buddy can't find a dominant woman, he hasn't been looking.
PORN: If you can rim someone while sucking their cock, that is indeed a talent! You could be making millions!
I'm so glad I never had the misfortune to have sex with someone who considered jacking off onto my arse while looking at porn on his phone "foreplay." I'd consider that "I'm too tired for sex or even a handjob, but here's a cloth, please clean me up after."
Jack @8: It's called entertainment. And a lot of the letter writers DO read the comments. And a lot of the regular and even not-so-regular commenters advise each other. Several opinions are often better than one. What I don't understand is why you're reading the comments. If not additional advice, what were you hoping to find when you clicked on the comments link to an advice column?
Venn @19: How do you know there was no Viagra? I had assumed there probably was. Given that even men half that age find it helpful for penetrating anuses.
Yes Fan and Donny; hello; not only is he watching porn while having sex with this woman, he's watching gay porn!!
Talk about having it both ways!!!
LW, what were you thinking? If he can't fuck you and give you his full attention, then you guys have a problem imo, and this guy is not owning up to his true nature.
No contortions necessary.
*****
Mx Wanna - [You could go all out and strap one on and dominate him like a bitch!] seems pretty drenched in Eau de YGG to me. "Classic" may well be a weird adjective to apply. I suppose it's perhaps a combination of this being behaviour that everyone right-thinking is expected to cheer when an OS woman does it to an OS man but would be problematic if he treated her that way, and that (although Mr Savage Proper rather shines on the issue), the practice is one on which it's very tricky for an OS man to have "the right" attitude.
*****
Mr Hunter - You missed the comparison. Do you recall the little acronym that some people found rather droll, "GAY = Got Aids Yet?" . What we need here is a way to describe heterosexuality with the acronym GPA, so that the P could equate to Pregnant.
@25 - perhaps #8 is one of those people who likes to mock people who write to advice columnists, and came to the comment section expecting to find kindred spirits, only to be sadly disappointed.
O_o
I realize and am totally cool with the fact that everyone is a special snowflake, and mrshorses and I have done our share of freaky shit, but did that strike anyone else as kinda odd?
Using your long-term love as a cumrag? TOTALLY on board with that. Jacking off on them while they're only kindasorta paying attention while you watch whatever random smut gets you off at that moment?
My Creep-O-Meter 2000 just redlined.
Venn @ 33
"Eau de YGG " goes a long way. I'm surprised that even a gay man like Theatrical Dan is implying that a man into any kind of anal play must be on the submissive side. Not that there's anything wrong with submissiveness nor anal playfulness. The two can be related. Or not.
You're right that Theatrical's implication that an imminent strapon is on the horizon is way premature at best.
Honestly, I'd say bit of column A, bit of column B. My experience as a fucker of straight women is obviously limited, but as a reader of this column, I'm not at all surprised at the concept of straight women commonly topping from the bottom. Earlier this year, I spent some time with a gender-nonconforming cis male who hadn't had sex in two years because women pressuring him to top them in PIV sex made him too uncomfortable. A lot of women do want and expect this, and if this guy's 23, perhaps they're the only sort he's run across yet. (I agree that TOP is unlikely to be the first of his gender for Mr Bottom.)
Venn @34: Why is that? So we could have threesomes AND go shopping? ;)
If most males over forty in the west need assistance to get erect, then things are pretty grim. If a man is healthy into his sixties, gay or straight doesn't matter here, I'd assume they don't need medications. Just look around, you see many that age in good health.
Well Donny, hate to break it to you but I'm past making babies. high five?
https://healthimpactnews.com/2015/study-…
I truly can't tell if this study is credible, but it does confirm the importance of making that distinction.
Also, why the focus on the HPV vaccine, which in a man having sex with men is preventative for diseases that are incredibly rare anyway (esophageal and anorectal cancer)? Start with the basics like actually going INTO the clinic for testing for common stuff like chlamydia and gonorrhea.
Lastly: no test for HPV in men, unless you mean anal Paps and anoscopy for immunosuppressed men.
*****
Ms Fan - Highly plausible. I think I was just recalling that, of the bi-acting men I knew, when they had such restrictions, those restrictions were all entirely their own, but then I'm quite prepared to accept that bi men I'd draw were just more likely to have been the bossy kind.
As for the second question, I suppose I had a vague idea you'd feel more like the shortbread and less like the over-boiled greens. (I almost said Brussels sprouts.)
@6 Action Kate: Sadly, the answer is yes--many doctors and insurance companies
not only don't care about preventing patients from getting cancer much less getting over it, but they want themselves and their pharmaceutical pals to get even richer in the unequal process.
I dunno--maybe I've got my back up because I currently have a kidney stone the size of a golf ball and a stint until followup surgery next week. I have had to change healthcare providers because my monthly premium and annual deductible have become insurmountably unfeasible. At least I now have a wonderful new VA PTSD therapist.
A man of forty needing help would, I hope, be very rare.
I'm not a man, so it's all in my head not my body.
An imaginary internet baby Donny. No noise or nappy changes needed. I like it.
I'd say that it is culture-imposed. By the way, being expected to "perform" with a body part that isn't really under your control can be stressful.
RE @51: "I'd say that it is culture-imposed." Agreed! It is gender stereotype imposed. At 23 he may not be ready to reject the gender stereotypes and ask women to top him instead.
When will men realise that they can "perform" with their fingers and tongues -- and toys -- too? Perhaps when women get more proactive about asking them to.
This brings me to this article which a friend posted on FB:
http://feministing.com/2016/01/19/what-i…
My reaction to which was: So you had sex with a straight guy who didn't get you off before he fucked you, and now you haven't come. Well, let me ask: Whose fault was that? YOU had the power to request an orgasm before he stuck his dick in you, and you didn't. After he's fallen asleep is kind of too late, no? I had a similar experience recently with a straight guy who would have been happy to go from making out to dry humping to PIV to sleep. I could have been in the same position as the author. But no. I went home with this guy because I was horny and wanted release, and if I'd let things progress the way he wanted to, it would have been a total waste of my time. So I used my words. (Before he stuck his dick in.) And despite this man having never gone down on a woman before, surprise! He wanted to fuck, so he accepted my prerequisite for a fuck. And I ended up drifting off to sleep in a state of post-orgasmic bliss, not frustratedly composing blog posts (which, hello, your target audience is highly unlikely to ever read) in my head.
If this author thinks "normal" hetero sex is "boring" and "vaguely dehumanising" then SHE'S doing it wrong.
(Thank you all for indulging my tangent)
Believe me, it is not a comfortable situation.
There I am with suddenly ill- fitting underwear and a big distraction in my lap and I am trying to concentrate on traffic whizzing by all around me, and no way to resolve the situation until enough time passes and "things" eventually go back to normal by themselves.
Yes, it's ridiculously expensive and no, it's not likely covered by your health insurance, so order it online from an overseas pharmacies like every other sexually active man your age is doing, it's only a couple of bucks per pill. Or just ask one of your male friends if he could spare one so you can test it out.
Anxiety disorders....aren't they fun? Apparently mine had
been festering for 25 years before reaching the explosion
stage.
Once I'm over my surgery, my sweet little LoveBeetle and
I are hitting the beach for a few days.
They couldn't be considered trolling.
Cyber-gremlins at work?
The boner pills aren't without their problems. My experience (with sildenafil = viagra and its variants) is that they work, but get less effective the more you get used to them. So using them all the time might not be a good idea. Also they tend to cause headaches and a "hangover"-like feeling.
I tried Cialis once and it did nothing for me.
Tachy @57: Wow, I wouldn't have thought "topping from the bottom" and "using one's words" were similar enough concepts to be confused for one another. Let me have a go at explaining what I mean by both:
Using one's words just means communicating one's needs and desires. It has nothing to do with topping or bottoming. It could be "I would like you to spank me," or "I would like to spank you," or "I only come in this position," or "I don't like my hair pulled." Both partners can use their words, ie negotiate. Using one's words is the opposite of expecting one's lover to read one's mind. One can use one's words to ask for what one wants, but be willing to accept a "no" answer.
Topping from the bottom is a term that originated in the BDSM community. Dominants are commonly viewed as being the ones in charge; if a sub is topping from the bottom, they are being the bossy one, making demands of the dominant partner, without consideration for the dominant partner's enjoyment. Topping from the bottom can refer to a submissive person making kinky demands of a vanilla partner, who didn't agree to dom, and suddenly finds themselves expected to do things they have no interest or experience of doing. Topping from the bottom is one-sided, the opposite of negotiation. In a vanilla context, substitute "topping" for Alison's brilliant term "running the fuck." A vanilla woman topping a man from the bottom is demanding that he run the fuck the way she likes it, so in reality, is the one who is calling the shots.
Could demanding oral sex as a prerequisite for PIV be seen as both? Well, is receiving oral sex "bottoming"? I don't see it that way. And in my example, I requested oral sex; I didn't demand it. If he'd said, no, I really am squicked out by that idea, I'd have come up with a Plan B. Which would have probably involved me masturbating while he stimulated my nipples or something, but thankfully, he was keen (and afterwards said he had enjoyed it). So a win for him, a win for me, and a win for all his future partners!
Totally unhealthy Fan, but, I have had a fantasy of being in a fetish club where different men go at it with their mouths. I don't see who they are, they don't see me except for my
fanny( pussy), and I get to have a multitude of faceless men's tongues.
I WISH I had grown up at a time when they had all these wonderful vaccines. Cervical cancer and shingles will pretty much be diseases that future generations only read about, like we do with Polio and small pox.
Oh and HPV causes almost all cases of cervical cancer. And also causes quite a few icky cancers in men.
http://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/cause…
Now HepB vaccine... that one is worth getting.
Ugh. You didn't even answer his question, which was "how do I prevent cold sores." It's not about HPV at all if he wants to know the answer to that question, as Human Papilloma Virus isn't Herpes Simplex. The other question he had about getting the HPV vaccine is that there's less than a 10% chance he hasn't already had HPV at this stage in his life. Which is why they give it only to the young. Preferably before you even have sex ever, since the risk of catching it skyrockets after you start being sexually active.
Also, there's still no vaccine against Herpes. Your best hope is that your partner knows they have herpes, and they know when they're contagious, which is *only* when they've got an active sore. There's a slight overlap in contagiousness before your sore is visible, but the window for that is measured in hours, since the sores themselves also appear within hours. Beware of what look like pimples in the affected areas.
@74, right? He should be more worried about HIV and HepB (like you said). I still think you should get every vaccine that you can though.
I know that when you're tired, stressed, forced apart for awhile, etc... it can be rough on a sex life. Maybe not always crazy passionate, ok. But this boredom you describe sounds pretty extreme to me, that it happens with every relationship, and it sounds like it happens fairly quickly for you. I would conclude that you're hooking up with guys who can't give you what you need, and that's down to your own choices in men... do you communicate what feels good and insist that you get it (or you're not putting out for them either)? In my experience, sex grows BETTER (not more boring) when you hook up with someone who can 1) listen to what you want and 2) has basic sex interests in common; similar thirst for PIV, for oral, for kink, etc.
Trying new stuff helps but the bread and butter is in the growing a great feeling sex life I think. Plus you need to reward good behavior and show intolerance toward bad behavior and communicate your needs... the basic social skills too. It might take some creativity to fit the forbidden factor into a good relationship.. first thoughts are to explicitly, verbally give permission to your partner to push certain boundaries that you have, then give feedback about their attempts. Or you could try to push their boundaries.. it's harder to do the pushing without hurting your partner though so be respectful about it.
TOP - HPV does not cause all warts. The major risk is cervical cancer iirc. Stick to dudes and disclose your history if you hook up with women and you're ethically ok I think.
PORN - Generous lovers aren't your style, are they? I hope you're getting something out of the sex too lol. Maybe you'll get an MMF out of this development. PS there's a difference between bi and gay.
This is a selfish, narcissist, and an extremely sexist fantasy.
The fact that others approve of this scenario tells us a thing or two about the matriarchy.
Er... when women come we need a lot of blood flow to the genitals too, for our own swelling and contractions to happen. I didn't think the blood flow requirement was very different between penises and clitorises. And that doesn't have anything to do with being in a sexy headspace..
I would like to keep track of the best kind of activities for a natural erection in my partner, though, so I'm not too fond of the medication idea. I imagine I'll be able to suck enough blood to the area for a long time yet, at the very least. Variety doesn't require a hard penis to be fun for both either.
But yes, hurrah for eliminating as many types of cancer as possible! (Which, considering my family history, will probably be my cause of death one day.)
Also, the situation does not necessarily imply mutual pleasure. At least not in the context of what we often know as “non-reciprocal oral sex.”
I was also about to comment that the no visibility is something that a man is less likely to want, but then it reminded me an account I read awhile ago by someone who went clubbing in NYC during the late 50’s. One place had an ordinary social club at the front, while in the back were some special rooms where people faced each other while standing, separated by some rubber sheet and sleeves, and only one essential hole. They could feel each other through the rubber, but no visual contact.
Just to clarify: it was written by a man, het environment, attended by all ages.
In fairness to tachycardia, I'm intimately familiar with the BDSM usage of "topping from the bottom" and I was also confused by what you meant when you originally said that. And having expanded on what you meant, I think you probably did misuse the term. The core of what you meant, what I assume @57 was missing was this:
"Using one's words is the opposite of expecting one's lover to read one's mind."
While expecting one's lover to read's one mind is frequently a component of "topping from the bottom," the essence of topping from the bottom is claiming you want to be dominated while in actuality maintaining complete control over the experience. Which is super fucking annoying for someone who's interested in more than service topping, especially when the bottom won't acknowledge that that's what they are asking for.
Expecting one's lover to read one's mind occurs at a far greater rate in completely vanilla sex. Topping from the bottom almost requires by definition using one's words to some extent. If it were completely non-verbal, it probably wouldn't register as topping from the bottom. I've never had sex with a woman, but I've listened to a lot of women talk about sex and I've had sex with many a self-proclaimed "submissive" man and I think the basic lack of communication/read my mind! that you're talking about re: women is very different from topping from the bottom. (With a caveat allowed for dominant men who categorize any assertion of boundaries by a woman as "topping from the bottom," but I think most of the sex those guys have is hypothetical.)
Mutual indeed, yet a similar reverse gender scenario may encounter some criticism and is likely to be presented in a more apologetic manner compared with your “mutual pleasure” assertion.
Apologetic, I don't see why. And I coped some criticism , from you, so there you go.
Just a fantasy CMD, I don't imagine a Pussy Licking Room really exists in the real world anywhere.
If they dont, they should.
I'll have to see how I am post-followup surgery--and what my ensuing painkillers are before safely and legally driving again. My beloved, incredibly patient VW and I are planning our getaway for sometime next month after Labor Day. The San Juans beckon us.
Fantasies......I'll have to get back to everybody on that one. I take it that Brad Pitt doesn't count this time.
In the spirit of reverse: a man has expressed his wish for a group of faceless women who can’t see him either, all cued up to give him head one after the other. Needless to say, they all enjoy non-reciprocal oral sex.
DK @ 96
They do exist, but that’s not the point.
I take it you haven’t been trawling the M4W ads lately. As I recall they are chock full of men desperate to eat pussy, any pussy, no reciprocation required. LavaGirl could talk to her local dungeon about setting up such a party and it would fill up with male volunteers before the women’s guest list filled up.
What was the question again?
Another sort or reciprocal is going on; they each are experiencing pleasure.
Yes the blue companion was the first thing Miss n requested that I try. My Dr. was ticked that I REQUESTED IT And suggested we get marital counselling. I fired him and got a new Dr and now buy them generically online. They did help for a time but that time is now past.
@58 Thank you! I did employ the sheath technique, even bought a strapon and harness thing in order to offer options of size and color but she chose to take it personally and refused to try. (Those toys are expensive BTW) . We are plugging along though (pardon the pun) .....44 years last Friday.
Venn- can you elaborate on Tyra?
Lava- What's "bobs your uncle"?
"Bob's your uncle" is slang for "and that's that."