God bless you, Dan. Happy belated birthday and thank you for these.

Holy shit. Dan, wow!

@1, +1 on both, didn't know about the birthday till now.

I absolutely love it when deserving parties are roasted to a crisp. It really makes my day. That first letter though...I'm dead. Good luck with that dream Douchebag.

@1 nocutename: Spot ON--you beat me again!
YESsssssss!! Thank you, Dan, for these---your response in particular to OLDER was truly a gift to this 50+ gal. Speaking of gifts, I hope your recent birthday rocked the house.
Meanwhile, I shall continue to savor this week's Savage Love.

Butt-a-bing-bang-boom! Again, many thanks, Dan. I fully enjoyed all three spot on responses, and your reply to LW3 gave me some food for thought, too.

One thing to add about the load size in porn: They're often cheating by using various techniques to squirt stuff that looks like cum to make it look like more is being sprayed around.

@7: Yup. Donut glaze. Equal parts milk and powered sugar in a squirt bottle. Ever notice how the dick pulls out of the frame during that extended jack? Delicious to lick up, too.

OLDER sounds like a direct cross between James Mason's and Peter Sellers' characters in Stanley Kubrick's 1962 film, Lolita----and a chain smoking Jabba the Hutt.
Incidentally, Sue turned 70 this year (she was sweet 16 when she played the precocious Lolita).
Is there a Stanley Kubrick film version of someone else's book in existence that ISN'T unsettlingly bizarre?

LW#1: Proof that Nice Guys (tm) never grow up.

An extra special fuck-you to LW #1....

You want a woman you can cherish.

Not, a partner, somebody you do fun things with, somebody to go through life's little irritations and special moments, but somebody you can put on a pedestal and admire and think to yourself how nice they are.

You know, a trophy who you want to show off to all your male friends, that look at what you did, you landed the Hot Young Thing.

EVERY single dude I've ever dated who talked about "cherishing women" never, at the end of the day, saw me as a person. I was a thing, an ornament to wear on their arms, a cipher with tits and ass for their idea of the kind of man they wanted to be.

I don't date men who talk about cherishing women any more.

It is so toxic and so poisonous. In fact, your entire approach to dating is toxic and poisonous, especially to you. Stop it.

@11: slinky, you're dead on. I never would go out with a man if he said anything like that (wanting to "spoil" a woman is in the same category), because it gave me the creeps to hear a phrase like that. But I never really stopped to analyze and articulate the reason.

Yes.

Sorry for being Captain Obvious here, but I just have to point it out, since OLDER clearly is making some embarrassing mistakes in his arithmetic assumptions:

You say you are 64. The children of a woman your age are credibly in the age range of 30 - 46 years old. Forty-six. Not kids any more. That's effectively damned near as old as you are, doofus. There goes one of your assumptions about "baggage," up in old-fart smoke.

As far as your thing about exes goes, you should be aware that at your age, to NOT have any exes in your past is itself a red flag.

The other thing is, you should go find Elliot Rodger's manifesto and read it. Your letter, though slightly more genteel, is cut from the same cloth. The stuff about "missing out on me" and "they would rather be abused, cheated on, and kicked around" could have been written by him. Your creepy factor just went up by about five hundred percent.

It's nice to see Mr Savage finally not coddling a LW, but I'm going to dispute They Deserve Better. Most people male or female are that awful. The Mizzes Grizelda and Cute likely deserve better, but they are not a majority of their age group. Then again, I don't have a high overhead. The funny part about the first response is that Mr Savage recommended renting, and it was a bungled attempt at renting that began the intergenerational George-Emmett romance on QAF (US), though the first impression George made was a poor one (though not in LW1's class).

Staying with QAF and, curiously enough, Emmett's career in internet porn, LW2 could always try the j*** ball.

LW3 seems to have been born in the wrong decade. Had she been English and born in the 1890's, she'd probably have landed, through WW1's wiping out most of a generation of eligible males, in a relationship similar to that of Miss Hinchcliff and Miss Murgatroyd in A Murder is Announced. Were they or weren't they? We'll never know. But, even if LW is straight (she didn't specify either her orientation or that she's only interested in a male partner for whatever she does or doesn't do). Mr Savage may be tempting fate, however. If this were my sad novel, she'd find what she wants, discover he's still capable, and reignite her drives only for him to lose his capacity immediately once she decides she can't live a sexless life any more.

At first I thought LW1 is fake, a vulva-haver who wants to prove how clueless the opposite camp can be.
Then it hit me that this could be a genuine question from at least one of our very regular contributors.

LW2-
As Xiao @ 7 pointed out, some of those epic ejaculations are indeed fake. Some may be real, hard to tell, unless they hide the squirting pipe very well. I suspect they are also drug induced, though don’t know which.
A former co-worker told me that in the old days, 70’s and 80’s, male porn actors used to eat a whole stack of celery before shooting- not intended- in order to increase their load. Pumpkin seeds are also considered to be volume-enhancers, just in time for Halloween and thanks giving.
For me it’s mostly time since the last one, and also arousal level and prolonged activity. There are also other factors like peeing before and how different parts like testicles and tip are handled.

I suspect there are plenty men who can be LW3’s cuddling-only partners. She should also be aware that some of them might still be sexually active, and be ok with having their sexual needs met elsewhere.

@13, I was thinking the same thing - any women his age wouldn't have young children to deal with. However, if he's like some of the sixty-something customers who hit on me at work, then when he says "women my age" he actually doesn't mean women in their sixties. These guys classify women in their late teens and twenties as "younger women," women in their thirties and forties are their counterparts, and the women who actually are in their sixties are so hideous they barely consider them to be female anymore.

There's another angle to consider too. Perhaps grown children are a big problem for him because no one likes to see a jerk dating their mom.

When my dad died, my mom was in her mid-50's. My siblings and I were very happy when she was ready to find companionship again.

Unfortunately, she reconnected with a guy she'd dated in her twenties. He was an average-looking 60-year old guy with a slight pot-belly and very stinky cigarette breath. In his mind, because he'd never had kids and could still ride a bike a few miles, he was in fantastic shape and an amazing catch. He told her that even though he preferred women in their twenties and thirties, he would consider dating her because she looked so much younger than her age (which was true - folks often assumed she was in her early 40's).

However, he was gone in a few months, loudly complaining. He said Mom used to be a sweet young woman, but now she was an awful old women like all the rest, with too much baggage and children.

My sister and I were both in our twenties at that point, living 1-2 hours away and established in careers - we weren't underfoot! The reason he was complaining was that in the couple of decades since they'd last dated, my mother had been married to a pretty decent guy and had gotten used to being treated with kindness. And my sister and I were causing problems because we called him out for being a jerk. For example, when she knocked over a glass of water, he threw a tantrum and called her a bitch - and I overheard it and said something. The final straw was when we talked her out of adding him to her bank account. We were SO glad when he left!!

@13 & 17: Agreed, he thinks "women my age" means 45-50 and "younger women" means 20s. I'm glad for the other letters as palate cleansers.

Christ, if I had a nickel for every guy that said "I only want to date women half my age, but those women are so close-minded because they don't want to date a guy twice their age - how unfair," it'd be enough to pay for all of them to get the therapy they so desperately need.

Additionally, while there are good older guys out there, those guys tend to overwhelmingly date women their own age, because they want relationships with a person that's got a similar level of life experience. The guys who want to date younger women tend to 1.) only see women as fucktrophies, and 2.) are hoping that younger women will be more naive and so will take longer to realize what a jerk the guy is.

Excellent and well-deserved takedown of OLDER! I was howling! Dan's idea of hiring professionals is a good one, but sadly, I bet OLDER's budget will only stretch to an inflatable one.

As for NTFTG: If Ms NTFTG is fine getting her big-load fix from watching porn and happy with their sexual reality, I wouldn't worry about it. Does NTFTG enjoy watching porn with big-boobed 20-year-olds AND his sex life with his fiancée? Then give her some credit, she probably feels the same way. But if he does want to incorporate this fixation into their sex life, maybe he could take a page from the porn stars and fake it. He could fill a syringe or turkey baster with warm liquid, maybe hot water with dissolved cornstarch that cools as they fuck, and as she comes he could pull out and squirt it onto her. The sensation would be the same.

I agree RTGU should give a good lover (or three) a chance to prove sex can be fun for her too, even post menopause. I'll bet that, unlike OLDER, she has a lot to offer.

This is why I read the column. That response to the first letter should be on a needlepoint pillow.

So many unanswered questions for Ready To Give Up.

"Truly terrible sex"? As in cruel, or merely well meant but unsatisfying? There's a lot of distance between those two.

She says she's lonely and wants companionship. The statistics are working against her. That doesn't mean it's impossible to find a man, but it's less likely. But if loneliness is the main thing without wanting sex, how about friends? Skip the dating sites and go for volunteering at the Friends of the Library. Join an exercise class and go for coffee with anyone after it. Take a gourmet cooking class and ask your classmates along with their friends over for dinner. Babysit for a younger couple until you're made honorary grandma. There's even finding a similarly situated woman, becoming roommates, and growing old together. After all, if you want companionship from a man without sex, you can get companionship from a woman without sex.

And then there's all the advice for teenagers who are looking for a relationship without yet knowing what they want sexually, what pleases them, what turns them on. Read erotica and get a vibrator so you know your own tastes.

Ms Fan - Ah, we are in agreement about the second letter (would your opinion change if he preferred porn with women of small frontal endowments?). As for the third letter, why would you bet she has a lot to offer instead of just suspect it?

Chances are good that she was equally (or at the very least partially) responsible for her rotten sex life with her husband. And it makes a much better story if she has the self-knowledge and the good sense to know that she was never especially good at sex and further effort in that direction would just lead to diminishing returns. One could respect someone with that much sense of true self.

@11, 12: Ladies, this is the kind of attitude that makes it hard for Paul Ryan to revere and champion you like he wants to do.

^ ; )

BDF @ 20
LW2’s partner love visible for big loads makes me doubt she will compromise on kitchen utensils in real life, even if she knows many of those videos are fake.
Another thing they can try is having sex without him coming, saving it all for the next time or even the one after.

LW #3, you may want to consider a close, quasi-romantic friendship with a woman. This could be companionate and affectionate, without being sexual.

Fichu @22: Good point, but RTGU stresses that touch is what she craves ("I only miss cuddling and holding hands"). Most people feel a bit weird about cuddling and holding hands with platonic friends, though there are exceptions. "I've learned how to get along on my own, and until recently, living alone didn't bother me" implies that she may already have a full life of friends and activities.

Venn @23: I have no idea what sort of porn this guy prefers. I'm just assuming that the porn he prefers features women who do not look like his fifty-something girlfriend, and probably do look like porn stars, who generally have big boobs.

Why do I bet that RTGU has a lot to offer? Because RTGU may read these comments and I'd like to give her a little compliment.

I agree with Dan on number 1. But will point out that a guy his age, in shape, with not just money, but a sophisticated lifestyle, can date some women in their 20s or 30s. It isn't just about her wanting money, but her finding him attractive for his lifestyle and attitude. Sadly, this is not typically a washed up musician. That only gets the girls till maybe 40 unless you are a rock star.

But it could be possible, but probably not for him. But it could be possible for him to improve his attitude, get a little game, leave the house and date some good looking women in their 40s or 50s. It is unfair to blame a man or woman for not finding men or women in their 50s and 60s not very attractive. That pretty much only comes from knowing and loving them I think. This is the problem with being single in your 60s I guess. If you have never been married you still might think like a 20 year old in terms of attraction. And as I m staring down 50 this year and have started hitting the gym as I see my body beginning to deteriorate I can acknowledge that that includes me.

As for number 3, I am sure there are guys who can't or don't want to have sex. But I agree. She should try some sex with a good gentle caring man and take it slow. She might find her libido come roaring back. I have known, dated, slept with women in their 40s and can attest that age menopause and sexuality are funny things. I have seen women have no interest in sex for years, then have it come roaring back with a vengeance,

@LW2, I've read some (male) porn star blogs, and they've often talked about drinking Muscle Milk when they have to "re-charge", especially if they have two scenes in a day.

I have no idea if it works, but it might be worth a try.

Frankly, I don't think the "shopping bag of issues" part is what's bugging LW1 about the pasts of women his age. Rather, I think he's got that fetish for freshness--that is, he gets off on the idea of a woman who was shrink-wrapped and a blank slate (literally, given his thing against tattoos). It tickles his pickle to imagine a prospective girlfriend whose life didn't truly begin until she met him. Kids (even adult kids) or exes (even late husbands with no drama) are too indicative of a woman having had a life separate from his, and that's not quite so gratifying to his ego. It's not quite the virginity fetish, but it's in the same genus.

Ms Fan - More or less as I predicted. As your cosmic vibrations are more expert than mine on the third letter, what do they tell you was the cause of the terrible sex?

@32 - Well, if he's actually looking for a woman without a past, he could go over to Dear Abby today and try to meet up with her LW2 (Prudence the Virgin)! No kids, and probably no tattoos, and nothing to compare him with! Of course, since she is *also* 64, he'd probably consider her "out of his age range." Eh, but then who cares about age, right, OLDER?

On 2nd thought, I think Prudence deserves better too. I kind of wish she'd written to Dan!

OLDER, LW#1, reminds me of Donald Trump, right down to the used vehicle.

Except T who shall not be named has a used plane rather than a used car.

But a really old plane as jets go, 25 years old when he bought his 757 in 2009, so now over 30 years old:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/24/us/pol…


@1+1 happy b-day, Dan. Or should we say happy anniversary of your birth? ;)


@7+1 most likely staged. Have seen a small number of different guys cumming over the decades (4 or 5, cough, hundred), and no one has shot ropes of cum like a porn star.

Though I'm guessing Trump thinks he cums bigly huge. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if Trump actually said this during the 3rd debate. (If someone in the media would just start the story that he doesn't cum much. Tiny hands...)

@35 myself, math is hard. Trumps' 757 was 19 years old when he bought it, 25 years old now. But still, I think most gets get retired at 25 years, so Trump's jet is like a bit like 14 year old clunker in the car world.

Technically I think hours and "cycles" take-off / landings are more important for airframe age. Can't find any articles on that but Trump's jet was bought used from a real billionaire who had bought used himself, and the plane was originally in commercial service so must have had a lot of hours on the airframe already. And Trump's previous jet, a 727 in 2009 was 42 years old, which really is ancient for a plane. Shows he has much less money than he pretends.

@36 proofreading is hard too.

Venn @33: You seem particularly grouchy and confrontational this week. I'm not sure why you've decided RTGU must be the bad guy, and I could speculate as much as anyone about her previous married sex life, but I don't see how that would be at all productive. Has RTGU's retirement from sex touched a nerve? If that decision on your part is making you so uncharitable, perhaps you should revisit it yourself?

XiaoGui @32: Interesting theory, makes a lot of sense. A brand spanking new Real Doll should satisfy all of OLDER's desires.

Delta @35: My young ex-husband (I was young then too) produced copious amounts of jizz. It puzzled me when I later started getting spam e-mails about how to increase one's ejaculate, because to me all it was was a huge mess to have to deal with. Why would anyone want that? Bigger, sure; harder, sure; longer lasting, sure. But more cum? Particularly when that has no bearing on the intensity of the orgasm? Seemed pointless to me.

BDF @38 I suppose "lots of ejaculate" symbolizes "potency".

"Happy 25 yrs The Stranger." yeah!

I see a country wide debate on the use of the p word. Pussy. . Pussy. Pussy. And Pussy grabbing and if that constitutes sexual assault.
Who are these people?
Anderson Cooper (sic), sharp man that one.
All
The while Syria burns. Hillary better hit the road running. So much time and energy wasted on all that swirling toxic masculinity that is trump. And those he has risen from the dead.
Which brings me to question one. How bleeding attractive is this guy? Not. All that self congratulations, @64 years of age, is way out of line.
A much more reflective presentation is required.
Drop the macho bs LW1, find some humility and feel interest in women around you, rather than, you know, think you're some catch.

Ms Fan - No, I'm not grouchy towards LW3. I do think it makes a much better story if she has correctly decided that sex isn't for her, at least not in the foreseeable future, and enjoys a productive sex-free period of life that lasts however long it lasts. If she resumes and enjoys it, good for her, as long as she doesn't retroactively label the preceding period a failure. Who knows; she could be another Martina Navratilova. This line also has the advantage of not requiring further information on why things with the husband were so terrible.

There seem to be two factions forming in the comments. The Hinchcliff-Murgatroyd faction is perhaps the more interesting, because that might open up discussions along such lines as the nature of people who are content without sex and whether sexless SS relationships have taken a bit of a blow in the era of openness because of overreaching presumptions. In 1950, a quiet lesbian couple would have resembled H&M; now an H&M pair who happen not to be a couple resemble lesbians. If I were forced to guess on the limited information present, I'd guess that LW3 might have fit the Murgatroyd role had circumstance favoured such a path, but that it's less likely she could go successfully that way now.

What perhaps read as grouchy was my not wanting to ask leading questions of an Expert Witness. I didn't mention this earlier for that reason, but thought that the difference between "suspecting" and "betting" that LW would be good in bed (which seemed a logical interpretation of LW's "having a lot to offer") constituted tiptoeing over the YGG line. YGG can make me grouchy, though it's become so prevalent that I tend to ignore it when people just jump over the line. I didn't really think you were trying to back-door in an unstated conclusion that the terrible sex life was all or primarily Husband's fault, but there are others of whom I would not make the same guess.

But I do think it a little irresponsible of the faction who are urging LW3 simply to resume her sex life without any further inquiry into why things were so bad. There are a variety of possibilities, and, as the member of the assembled company at least as inexperienced as any other and a great deal more inexperienced than most with MF sexual relationships (it is tempting here to emulate Juliet Stevenson's Mrs Elton and say that, while I do not claim to be Dr Westheimer, my friends may hint that I am also the member of the assembled company least familiar with terrible sex in general, but I resist that temptation), I am willing to canvass the cosmic vibrations of those more expert than I. Husband could have been an abuser and LW stayed with him out of fear despite the terrible sex; Husband could have been inconsiderate but LW was raised just to close her eyes and think of Ireland; either of them could have made a good-faith attempt to have Good Sex only to be checkmated by the other's firm and insistent belief that Good Girls Don't; LW could have been of the entitled mind set that it was Husband's job to read her mind and give her pleasure; there are various other possibilities, and those more familiar with relations between husbands and wives will have more valuable cosmic vibrations than mine about this particular case. I do think that getting a read on why sex with Husband was so terrible is much more important if LW is to continue having OS sex (or even taking up SS sex, though we have no positive hint that she's at all inclined) than if she just opts for temporary or permanent retirement.

Now, I'm still somewhat grouchy about (All) women in their fifties or sixties deserving better than LW1, as I stand by the opinion that most people just are that awful, though I will allow that Ms Grizelda deserves better for having suffered enough from her siblings all her life, and Ms Cute deserves better for not treating Miss Austen as if she were Barbara Cartland. But, on the whole, my mood has improved after coming up with the earlier reference. It reminds me of The Murder at the Vicarage when Mrs Price Ridley is at the police station complaining about the anonymous telephone call, uncertain whether to call the language used obscene. The vicar asks her if she could understand the language used. That she could he posits as sufficient to decide that the call was not obscene, as a refined lady [I need a gesture to make whenever the L-word is mentioned in a non-Wimbledon context, something similar to crossing oneself] is naturally unacquainted with obscene language.

LW2: oh please. Do you hear me complaining that blood doesn't flow out of me every month? Age.

Congratulations to Bobby Dylan for getting the Nobel Prize for literature.

RE @39: A raging erection wouldn't accomplish the same, with less clean-up?
I suppose, since I have never wanted to breed, those sorts of "virility" markers are lost on me. If I discovered a male partner were infertile or had had a vasectomy, that would make me more keen on sex with him, not less.

Venn @41: Thanks for that explanation. I agree, anyone who would push RTGU towards having sex she had no interest in having is overstepping. But it sounded from her letter like she had only had one sexual partner and was basing her opinion that sex wasn't anything to crow about on him. And given that she'll have more choices if she is willing to have sex than if she isn't, it made sense to suggest that she give others a chance.

If I amend my original bet to "I bet RTGU has a lot more to offer than OLDER," would that pass your YGG sniff test? Admittedly not a high bar to clear.

All people in their 20s and 30s deserve better than OLDER, or at least believe they deserve better. Hence his problem.

Lava @42: Hmm, interesting point. There are men (and I suppose women) out there with fetishes for menstruation. What are they supposed to do when their partners hit menopause? I guess they are in a similar predicament to me, with my "long hair" fetish, watching helplessly as the men around me go bald...

BDF @44

RE @39: A raging erection wouldn't accomplish the same, with less clean-up?

Doubtless. But if there is one thing we should know after 25 years of Savage Love it is that what is especially "arousing" and what isn't is very often completely irrational.

I remember (from the time before the internet) an advertisement in the "personals" section of a newspaper from a guy seeking another guy. The most important quality mentioned for applicants was that he should have "creases on the back of his leather jacket". Everyhing else was secondary.

@vennominon: And it makes a much better story if she has the self-knowledge and the good sense to know that she was never especially good at sex

You're reminding me of this recent article on VICE (1), in which a young woman reflects on the history and causes of her ambivalence towards sex and inability to have an orgasm. Ultimately, she takes responsibility.

In my experience, there's an unmistakable difference between women who's sexual fulfillment has been frustrated by incompetent or incompatible men, and women who are in some sense asexual. The fact that LW3 is throwing in the towel on her sex life rather than trying to improve it places her firmly in the latter camp for me.

That said, asexuality isn't necessarily a permanent condition. I've witnessed women (admittedly much younger than LW3) discover their sexuality for the first time, and while such epiphanies may require the right partner, I think it's bad form to leap from that dependency to the idea that past partners were somehow to blame.

(1) What a pleasant shock to find a progressive media outlet that seems to have found success by approaching human affairs from an orientation of curiosity rather than judgment.

Perfect response Dan, for LW3. So true. Must be a lot of guys who have given up on sex, for various reasons.
Except LW3, you are 56yrs old. You really want to give up on your erotic life?
Watch some romantic/ dirty movies, well crafted works, and see if your body has a response. Then go from there.
Western culture works hard to convince women, that their sexual desires aren't important. And bit by bit our erotic selves are chipped away to almost nothing, unless we fight to retain it.
Good luck on your adventure.

@ 46 Re: fetishes
I once worked as a "floater" to fill in 3 days per week for retail shop managers on their various days off. In one shop every single Wednesday, I would get a phone call from a person (sounded like a male) who would ask about my footwear. What type of socks I wore, what color, how high up on my calf they came, how many pair of shoes I had, and what colors etc.. Apparently he had visited the shop unidentified and my footwear was attractive. He was very polite and courteous. (these were the days of landlines) At first I would hang up on him/her but he would just call back. Eventually it was easier to just let him finish his inquiries and then he would not call back.
I left that company and never heard from him again.
Humans have odd things imprinted on them. I still get aroused if I smell a certain Avon fragrance (Sable-and-sand I believe). Not sure where that comes from.

@38 @39 it can be fun to watch, and while I haven't seen the quantities in some porn films that look obviously faked, there's plenty of amateur clips that look real with guys who are pretty big shooters (quantity and distance) and I have seen in person a wide range to what's normal, from a single ooze to a great many spurts that shoot quite a distance. Maybe it's a dude thing to admire quantity and distance, gay straight or bi but I've even seen guys clapping in gay sex venues after a particularly copious / long distance ejaculate.

I keep rereading LW1 and being by turns amused and aghast that this represents someone's internal dialog, vs a faked missive meant to illustrate the wrong way to think, whether you're 64, 34, or 24.
The 'I don't care about age, 'long as they're young, so why should they care about mine?' almost put it over the top for me.
Reminds me of something I've mentioned previously, of being for many years the guy who'd take you through your first workout when you joined whichever club I worked at; I learned very early to discount what most people, especially guys 35 and older, said about their health, strength, and general fitness. Until they got on that treadmill with the heartrate monitor on, at a medium-pace walk, and they hit their upper limit in about 45 seconds and I was pulling the plug, them protesting...
One guy in particular sticks in my memory, it was at the Vault there in Seattle, he did that guy-thing where his waistband was pulled under a bulging gut. Looked painful. Anyway, it quickly became apparent that he was grossly out of shape, and with what I swear was bewildered innocence he pointed at his shorts and said, “But I have a 32-inch waist!”
Over 35-guys, except the gay ones, also tended to take about 3 times as long to learn anything, as they were obsessed with demonstrating that they had a handle on this shit already. This letter may offer a view as to why.

Wow, girlfriendz, how did we manage to miss such a prize as LW1? Just imagine, we'd only have to put up with disgusting misogyny for a mere 24 YEARS(!), and we'd get his almost broken down car! 'Cause we're only women and wouldn't be able to like, buy a car on our own!

Dan pulled off a solid hat trick: good answers to all three letters (LW1 deserved everything Dan unloaded on him) and a really good discussion among the commenters. Give yourselves a round of applause.

I'm RTGU. Thanks for your comments. They've given me some interesting food for thought!

Re: the "terrible" sex with my husband. Dan edited this part a bit. What I originally wrote was, "My husband fancied himself a much better lover than he actually was, and tended to get angry when I didn't praise him as much as he thought he deserved." (IE, expecting me to cater to his particular sexual kinks while balking at indulging mine, treating any kind of help he gave me around the house as a bargaining chip for sex - "Hey, I washed the dishes! Now you owe me a blow job!" - and getting bent out of shape when this tired old ploy didn't work any more.)

In short, I just got tired of his entitlement and game-playing. On the (very) rare occasions when I feel a certain tingle downstairs, my Hitachi takes care of things quickly and without whining.

But I long for a girl I can cherish.

Ew.

Created an account just for LW3 - I had trouble with orgasm my *entire* life. Didn't have my first until I got my first Magic Wand at age 27 (I'm 50 now). Was never able to come with a partner without using a vibrator and for the most part (when I felt comfortable enough to explain it to them) they were understanding and were interested in helping me get off any way I needed to. My last long-term partner (five year marriage - age 40-45, got married quick and learned the meaning of "marry in haste repent at leisure") was really uncomfortable that I needed help in that way and took it personally, so once I decided to stop faking it, our sex life devolved into me basically serving as his fleshlight once a week (as much as I could agree to given his disinterest in my pleasure) - which did neither of us any good. We divorced in 2011. I was mostly celibate for the last five years (as I moved into menopause) and the few encounters I did have, I wasn't comfortable enough with new partners to ask for what I needed, so I got the physical closeness I was missing through sex even though I never had an orgasm.

However, I met a man six months ago (a 53 year old) and he has seriously rocked my world. I don't know whether it's my attraction to him or his technique, but the vibrator has been relegated to a toy for periodic fantasy play (and we've gotten a few more toys *together* since he's learning that maybe he likes things that were never part of his repertoire before he met me). He regularly gets me off two or three times every time we have sex without "mechanical assistance" and that is completely new to me.

So don't write things off just yet - I didn't even know that was a possibility for me and I've dated my fair share of guys over the years.

Re: LW1, part of the reason older guys have such a sense of entitlement is because older women have a noted unwillingness to date guys who are younger than them. I don't understand this. There are an abundance of men like LW1, who display attitudes they should've outgrown 30 years earlier, but for whatever reason they are credited with a level of maturity they have not actually displayed.

Thanks for writing in, RTGU/bittermint @ 54! I find myself wondering if you had any good sexual experiences before getting married to your inconsiderate, selfish husband?

Thanks for writing in, Bittermint and Gettingitnow. As a person with a female body I can vouch for the fact that it becomes easier to orgasm with age, as we get less self-conscious about our bodies and get to know them better. Gettingitnow, sounds like maybe you were just a very late bloomer. I'm glad you've found one of the good lovers! Enjoy! :)

Still kind of struggling with the idea of anyone deserving OLDER specifically. Humanity has its faults, certainly, but I'm not sure which ones would amount to deserving OLDER's attitudes specifically.

The faults of aging while being female, having had a life by middle age, or in the case of younger women, the fault of not dating OLDER while they're still young enough to be worthy of his cherishing?

Anyway, gods help us all if we should get what we deserve.

My thanks to LW3, and I am going to lodge a protest against the editorial board. That was highly pertinent information. Now, why was that edited out - did they think it redundant?

My thanks to Ms(?) Woof as well.

@54. bittermint. I'm confused, you say you do still feel sexual desire yet you don't want to express that with a man? Could be confusing for the man.
Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. I can see why you might not want to risk having sexual intimacy again.
Then all men are not like your husband was.
And why did you stay with such a person? Perhaps talk to a sex positive therapist, they will help you sort out your story.

@vennominon: Were I to hop the gender-queer train, it would be Madame, the sort who dispenses both punishment and sweet mercy to the naughty little boys who wander into my lair and mistakenly call me "Mistress."

Just please don't anyone demand to see my ticket.

OLDER... It's one thing to be bitter at 34 when you can't attract younger women anymore.. but at 64, that's just called LIFE. It happens. You don't get to be young forever (or sit at home as hot younger babes just magically show up)

I'm a 54 yo divorced woman and Mr. 64 YO Prize sounds nothing like what women my age want! Many single/divorced women my age are hot, well heeled, sexually educated and skilled, vibrant, fun-- and--mostly-- we know what we like and what we want and we have no desire or need to put up with his kind of crap. Many of us left our marriages with men like him. Maybe if he learns to put some effort into caring for himself, and then for others he might find someone who would be interested in spending time with him. Very unlikely that it would ever be a woman like me though, lol.

@38 it can actually have an effect on the intensity of orgasm. It could be a correlation/causation thing, but when I really have to come I tend to come longer, more copiously and it feels great.

Relatedly I was surprised that Dan did not mention prostate massage and edging. Maybe it is an old wives tale but I thought they both produced more prostatic fluid once you finally come.

Dan, your response to (slimy, entitled, resentful, cliché douche) OLDER was brilliant.

LaveGirl @ 62: Every now and then, yes, I do get a familiar itch. It's a lot easier satisfying it with my trusty ol' Hitachi than putting up with another tiresome display of male ego. I had my fill of that during my marriage.

I spent a couple weeks responding to every message I received on Okcupid, garbage or not, as a reasonably attractive 30 year old woman, and I swear I had several interactions with LW1-clones every day. These men are all over the place, at least in my neck of the woods.

Dan, most regular doctors are useless when it comes to finding solutions for menopausal women. Please recommend integrative MDs, who had training in hormones and will do the proper testing. The best way to find a good integrative MD is to ask your local compounding pharmacy who they would recommend.

@50 I think you're onto something. Gay, straight, or bi, big loads in porn are there for the predominantly male audience. If men, even straight ones, weren't interested in seeing huge loads they wouldn't be in porn.

DrJones @67: I vote correlation. As someone who does not ejaculate, I also experience stronger orgasms if they are delayed. So stronger orgasms in men may lead to more ejaculate rather that the other way round. On the other hand, I have witnessed men having what appear to be, and are reported to be, very intense orgasms with very little fluid produced. So "more cum = stronger orgasm" may be correlated for the individual, not generally -- ie men who produce more ejaculate don't come harder than those who produce less.

Congratulations Bittermint on the Ironic 69! :)

Whenever a man says he's some number of "years young", big red flags should go up. Those guys have weird and unreal attitudes and beliefs about themselves and other people's ages. And are rarely datable or fuckable without angst and drama, unless you are a young person who's turned on by old people with major age issues.

@57: "because older women have a noted unwillingness to date guys who are younger than them"

Hmm. You must know different older women than I do. Most of my friends, once the child raising, family obligations are behind them, are quite eager to experience their MILF-ness.

Hunter! You bought a thesaurus.
Ejaculation may be regarded as "the high point of sex" by the ejaculator.
Hopefully, most ejaculators also value all the other moments of sex. All five of them, perhaps, in your case.
If people can fetishise feet, the crushing of bugs, or cake sitting then no, I am not surprised that some people fetishise copious ejaculations. Puzzled, yes; I guess the only point I had hoped to make was that not everyone cares about that sort of thing. Many of us only care whether our partners come, or how many times, or how much they enjoy it; but whether a lot of mess is made or a little is irrelevant.

I doubt birth is ever considered the high point of sex, though it may be considered the goal.

Holmes @76: Yes, that jumped out at me too. If I didn't already count myself as an outlier, I would have said something about how I'm only in my mid 40s and already, all else being equal, I find thirtysomething men more attractive than those my own age. I hardly think that trend will reverse in the decades to come. I mean if you're 70, surely someone who is 60 would be more appealing than 80? Regardless of the genders involved?

End point != high point.

#75 EC – Yeah, that was part of the letter, among others, that was so hackneyed it comes close to screaming 'fake.' In any event, besides being clunky prose, 'years young,' like 'real man,' is one of those things that if you have to say it about yourself, you ain't it.
Bi and Holmes, re the age thing – I think age is often given as shorthand for 'set of physical characteristics associated with a certain age;' what LW1 presumably likes about younger women, and what older women might see in 20-something studs, is a combination of clear skin, a certain amount of muscle tone, energy, and so on. No surprise that these are valued qualities, but as LW is no doubt discovering, you can have a hard time getting what you don't bring to the table yourself.
I've remarked on this board before that one of the hottest women I've been with was 40 to my 21, and I'd look her up now if I could. She had an amazing Marvel comics body but was all hung up on her 40-ness, which could not have been less of an issue for me, except she was not just attractive but smart in the sack.

LW self-identifies as 'a musician,' I'm guessing not French horn or viola, and the males of this species often (almost always?) get into music in large part to get chicks. At least, by grade school, you know that a guy can be ugly, dumb, an asshole, or a dumb ugly asshole, and still get some fine women, if he's in a band, and that makes quite a few dudes want to pick up an electric guitar (Kiss being a prime example from my young years. Jesus, Gene Simmons is an ugly motherfucker, as well as a Jew who'd buy stock in Zyklon-B if he thought he'd turn a buck.)
Of course, there's not an indefinite supply of groupies, especially hardbodied ones, and having the cup pulled from your lips as you get older, flabbier, and the nicotine stains on your teeth get yellower, can be a tough ride, one OLDER, if he's not a fake, is apparently starting to realize that he's on.

One issue I have with the response to LW#3: "If you spoke to your doctor about treatment options.."

Dan, do you get kickbacks from the pharmaceutical industry? The tendency for our culture to see certain life choices as something to be treated and medicated is sad. Acting as a rabid cheerleader for the medical profession, with its love of writing prescriptions for every damn thing under the sun, really diminishes my respect for you.

@81 - Um. 'Treatment' is not synonymous with 'prescriptions for every damn thing under the sun'.

@43 LavaGirl: I second the congratulations to Bob Dylan on his recent Nobel Prize win.
@66 7Daffodils: You and I are in the same happily divorced club. OLDER sounds exactly like my ex would be at 64, and with similar baggage. Today I raise a glass of red wine for 15 years worth of moving onward and upward.

@42 LavaGirl: YESSsssssssss! I'm raising a glass to my uterine ablation, too.

@81 - Um. 'Treatment' is not synonymous with 'prescriptions for every damn thing under the sun'.

My bad. Dan, do you get kickbacks from a group of psychotherapists/counselors with a declining client base? Why send self-professed content people into therapy, unless it is YOU that doesn't believe nor respect the LW's own assessment of their level of contentment?

We must feed the beast - gotta convince a certain % of the population they need some sort of professional help to keep said professionals rich. Anxiety, sexual dysfunction, depression....there is money to be had in so many people needing "help".

@86. And your point is? Yes, many people would benefit from seeing good professional help.

Alas, I'm arriving late to the party again this week - but I have to say that Dan's answer to LW1 gave me the deepest belly laugh I have had in at least a month. Thanks Dan, talk about sex therapy -- I really needed that!

I've got nothing to add about LW2 that hasn't already been offered, except to say that what his fiancee probably desires more than a giant glob of jism all over herself and the bed they will share post-sex (most likely with her in the wet spot), is a man who has the self-confidence to cuddle, stroke, and whisper nasty to her as she watches her favorite porn star shoot his big load. Just sayin'...

As for LW3, while I cheer on the optimistic commentariat refrain of "never say never" as it applies to a sexual renaissance with the right partner during peri- and post-menopause, I totally appreciate her reasons for chosing to remain celibate for now. I second Dan's suggestion of getting into e-dating, with no PIV as a prerequisite. There are plenty of guys out there who will respond to a woman seeking love and companionship without the accompanying sexual performance baggage, for any number of reasons. And if it eventually leads her back to great PIV somewhere down the line, at least there won't be any pressure to perform at the start of a new relationship!

Jeebus999 @86: If RTGU were "content", she wouldn't have written in, would she?

I think you may need some help yourself. I'm sorry you (apparently) were ripped off by a therapist who didn't manage to cure your anger and resentment issues. Maybe it was just the wrong therapist, and you should give it another go. Or find a support group. Those are free, which should assuage your objection to having to pay for expertise.

Capricornius @88: Thanks for pointing out the difference between lots of cum in porn and lots of cum in reality. This seems another example of how things that make for good porn visuals are not necessarily suitable for off-camera enjoyment -- 10-inch cocks and acrobatic positions spring to mind. "Don't try this at home!"

BDF @89, "Don't try this at home" - Too funny! To your list, I'll add slathering up a a lover's torso with whipped cream, syrup, or other messy foodstuffs, and then attempting to lick it off. MUCH more sexy in literature and film than when you try to replay the scene IRL.

I've heard people say the same thing about edible panties. That particular fantasy never did anything for me to begin with, so I can't speak from first-hand experience.

Anyone else want to add to the list?

Ha! Good tangent! I'll add sex in the bath or shower. In theory, sexy. In practice, awkward at best, dangerous at worst -- getting distracted and slipping can lead to bruises you might have difficulty explaining!

General question: Is it racist to use the phrase "the F-word" (which almost nobody does) because "the N-word" is still in vogue?

Venn @92, I don't think either phrase is racist, just a euphemistic attempt to not burden your audience with offensive and ugly words. Hard to believe in these modern times (and especially in online forums) but both words are still considered by many to be too offensive for public conversation. The F word has become increasingly acceptable for use in everyday speech and the media, which I find distressing since it has lost most of its ability to shock and excite when used in a sexual context with a lover. The C word for women is still fairly shocking and offensive though - I can't think of any term for the male genitalia that has the same nasty connotations. Can you?

I also read Venn's F-word as "fag" rather than "fuck", which is not "racist" as gay men could be any race, but offensive to a minority group. I don't think I've heard anyone use the phrase; if you don't care if you offend gay people, you'd just say fag; if you do, you'd say "gay man."

Dick is considered nowhere near as offensive as cunt, for whatever reason. Probably the same reason that Donald Trump and Bill Cosby get away with assault but Martha Stewart goes to jail...
Dick and pussy seem to have similar levels of offensiveness, so yeah, I'm not sure why even those who use those words freely cringe at the dreaded C-bomb. Brits, interestingly, don't consider it that terrible. I've seen the joy some of them experience in peppering their conversations with "cunt" in order to shock the Yanks in the room. :)

And yes, my inner six-year-old is filled with glee at having justifiably used that many cuss words in a single post. ;)

Well, it just occurred to me that a case could be made that it could appear as a similar attempt to piggyback (assuming "the N-word" was in wide use first) to the way some people saw the gay rights movement as an unacceptable copycat of the civil rights movement.

@100: Whether OLDER's letter to Dan was fake or not, OLDER got what he deserved. Dan's response was a bullseye. Come on, Hunter, think! If a chubby, chain-smoking older woman who never went out (parish the thought!) and advertised wanting a younger man she could cherish because guys her age have too much excess baggage, what would your reaction be?

"You Go Girl", probably.

@103 RE: Hunter strikes me as someone who would be equally repulsed by someone old enough to be his mother, overweight, chain-smoking, needy, and who doesn't get out much.

@104: But I could be wrong.

It's very likely that Ready To Give Up will discover a new interest in sex once she meets someone she's attracted to. After menopause, the hormones are no longer igniting us with a fiery need for sex, but that doesn't mean that sex is over. A new relationship or a well-chosen, well-placed sex toy can make all the difference!

@54 RTGU / bittermint: Thank you for writing in and joining us!
One of many reasons I like to reread comments, although I'm late in the game here,
is to find a comment made by one of the letter writers. I can sure relate to your sad
marriage to a selfish husband. Good for you for dumping him! Onward and upward.