A lot of guys like to nave their dicks squeezed once in a while during penetration. I do it when I feel like it and I always get a positive response. I'll admit that it's not as much fun when I'm being told to do it, because usually those guys are looking for a very precise feeling that I can't always provide. But still, it's not such a big deal in my opinion.

Perhaps SPAR should try to do it once in a while to surprise him - but first tell him that she'd prefer if it was of her own initiative. Then there'd be less pressure on her to "perform", and she may even enjoy it, or at least enjoy his reaction.

Fiddling with your dick in front of room mates who are uncomfortable about it is not OK. That's not just bad manners or unacceptable, it's a really creepy shitty thing to do. People who are not a part of your sex life don't need to be subjected to your dick, I mean really. Neonazis or not.

Fiddling with your dick in front of your partner who lives with you and who doesn't want to see it- well that's different. Maybe it's a little rude, but I don't see why it should bother the partner in the first place. If your partner is telling you to put your dick away because, you know hygiene or whatever, alright. But otherwise, hey it's your house, your dick, your sexual partner, whatevs.

But in front of the room mate? WTF?

@2: I'm sure he'll go into a rant when he gets arrested for pleasuring himself in public.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

LW1- public penis-playing behavior is indeed unacceptable. Now that you keep bringing it up may have some added value issues, such as making you angry on purpose because he’s angry himself, or making you angry because he likes you being angry for some reason, which he should be clear about. You need to find out and the best way is asking him.

LW2- Promised bj’s- you should bring it up, but you should also shower at least once a day regardless and use a wash cloth to clean pee pee and vicinity if a blow job is about to materialize few hours after the mandatory-from-now-on daily shower.
You can also ask her to clean it to her standards, which can make a nice foreplay.

LW3- mid-30’s bi poly woman- seconding “yup.” While not that much of a practicing poly myself it seems like you already add too much drama to the scene.

LW4- queer trans woman- a cis woman is fucking you despite, or is it because, your transness. That’s pretty heavy duty for all involved. Proceed cautiously.

LW5- that’s what your gf likes, and if you get to come as you please than why can’t she?

LW6- a small built woman – stick with Dan’s original honest response. Fake ones do get noticed over time and are less likely to be forgiven.

Note to BLOWS: Did it occur to you that maybe you should apologize for all of those times you asked her to give you a blow job when you HADN'T showered?

It's a pretty basic expectation of ANY relationship that both or all parties involved should at least kept yourselves in a non-stenchified condition.

@5 seriously.

At first t I assumed it was the active squeeze sensation that he wanted (squeeze, release, squeeze, release) and not additional tightness, but the "and hold it" part suggests otherwise. Or maybe he likes that you can do it intentionally because it's your body with muscle and not just a passive receptacle for his dick? Or he likes when you obey commands for his pleasure, and there's something else you could do instead?

I enjoy squeezing. I usually avoid it though because there can be repercussions later or the next day: a soreness or a sense of being caught mid-squeeze, like a cramp or spasm, or like my muscles are mid-pee constantly. Not from basic kegels, just from kegels when occupied.

I'm sorry, I had to quit reading after Dan's one-word answer ("pot") to the trans woman with the anorgasmic girlfriend. Dan, that's sheer negligence. Sure, pot is not a bad idea to try, but this was not the occasion for a one-word answer. This question shouldn't have been in the "quickie" pile. For one thing, pot might help some people relax enough to come, but it turns other people into a twitchy, extra-self conscious wreck, and that's no good for sex. For another, a presumably adult woman (don't think ages were provided?) who has never had an orgasm is a problem that deserves a little respect from a sex-advice guru like Dan. Girlfriend says she has "never had" an orgasm so I presume that includes masturbation and that makes it a less
common and more difficult problem than somone who orgasms alone but
not during partnered sex. My advice would be for her to work on the masturbation first - her girlfriend could, for example, give her a high powered toy and some alone time in the afternoons. If that doesn't work, it's not a bad idea to see a gynecologist or a sex therapist. There are anatomical or psychological reasons she might not be coming, and I think it's worth it to visit somebody about it at least once. Her girlfriend could say something along the lines of "I really want to help make you happy sexually. I would love to feel you come. If you're happy the way things are, I understand but I just want you to know that I'd be happy to go
With you to a doctor or somebody if you want to do that." Also, I'm not sure if the letter said how long they'd been together, but some women take longer than others to really get to the level
Of trust they need in a partner to let loose and come. In my case that period of time was always a lot longer than my partners thought it should be. Lastly - letter writer is a trans woman. It's entirely possible that she has a biologically stronger orgasm response than her cis-partner. We all know that it's much less
Common for bio-guys to have trouble orgasmimg than it is for
bio- girls. Perhaps she is bringing an
expectation that is related to her particular body and history. Be patient, your love and goodwill will win out in the end. Combined with really excellent tongue skills.

LW2: So your main complaint was that you wanted more blowjobs, and hers was that you not stink? Wow. If this basic inequality spreads to the rest of your sex life, I think I know why you aren't getting any.

If your wife is asking you to shower she is probably turn off by your poor higiene. It is very hard to overcome the trauma of having a partner who has a history of cock cheese stink. You should shower twice perday to prove to her that you want to become her object of desire. Now you have to earn her desire. Blow jobs are reserved for those who are highly seductive n good higiene it is part of seduction. How about if you learn to give her massages or send her flowers with a poem? A generous smell fresh partner may win her mouth at your hips again.

@2 Emma Liz: I believe we have entered a GOP-fueled new era of public penis fiddling ugliness. Not just rude and inconsiderate, but inexcusably creepy.
@4 CMDwannabe: Thank you for the helpful recap of all 6 LWs, Dan's responses, and well stated comments.
@5 AlaskanbutnotSeanPurnell: Spot ON and kudos! I appoint you the winner of the BLOWS thread.
@9 Traffic Spiral: Yep, and @10 Edgna: Good suggestions regarding BLOWS.

Here's my idea for a possible solution for BLOWS' stinky cheese situation: how about if BLOWS and his girlfriend bathe together before sex? Do they have a tub in addition to a shower? This can offer two pluses in salvaging their sexual relationship: 1) BOTH can be clean at the same time, and 2) this could evolve into some delightful mutually agreeable foreplay for the two of them if BLOWS plays his hygiene cards right.

@8; Linda. I had the same reaction. You offer some good advice. It would be a hard one, not being able to reach orgasm. After too many years, it would become a psychological block.

I suggest the pot/ dope for the no go blow job guy. And then bring it up. She made a deal.

Ricardo @1: Saved me from writing the exact same advice. Thanks!
Sounds like SPAR just really likes a particular sensation during sex. Maybe he's one of those death-grip masturbators. Regardless, the occasional tensing -- you don't have to hold your position throughout -- sounds like it would go a long way towards his pleasure with minimal effort from you. Don't take it as "your pussy is too loose." Take it as an opportunity to be GGG. Providing, of course, that he's good enough in bed and appreciates the occasional tensing rather than demands you squeeze the whole time, which he needs to understand is not fun for you.

FTWF: DTMFA. Does he do this at work? On public transport? This seems like some form of exhibitionism. His dick is no one else's business and if he can't see this, he needs help or you need to bail.

BLOWS: Even though she's agreed to twice-a-month blowjobs, I think you need to be the one to ask for them. Preferably when you're freshly showered. And maybe don't get too far into the foreplay when you ask, because she might be disappointed to not get PIV. "Hey, how about that blowjob?" Whatever you do, do not "ask" for them by pushing her head down. Nothing is a bigger turn-off.

GDH: What exactly is the problem? I'm sure CANTCOME's girlfriend would love to have your problem. I think the only problem is that she's embarrassed about how she comes. Is GDH wearing the boxers at the time? Is she getting him off in other ways? Then it looks like a pretty good sex life from where I'm sitting. What might help? Aloe vera lotion perhaps?

@14: Whoops, that should be SPAR's boyfriend, not SPAR. Hope that was clear.

If a grown man needs to be told to bath every day and only does so (after being told) because he thinks it might increase his chances of a blow job, then I wonder what other sort of hygiene or body awareness problems he might have. Seriously, I doubt the issue will be as simple as just hygiene. It's probably a contributing factor to a larger problem. He says their sex life is average. They make a deal for bimonthly blow jobs which might work for some people, but if their sex life is only average in the first place, then it probably feels like a bimonthly chore. And his "look, I showered. Now I should get my reward" attitude is really- well, not offensive because he seems earnest and sympathetic, but just weird or immature. His wife's refusal after making this deal is weird too. So all around, in general, I'd suggest that they go back to the basics and improve their sex life (and personal habits) in general- work on being attracted to one another and having better-than-average sex (all the usual advice Dan gives) and incorporate blow jobs within that improved sex life rather than just tacking them on to an already lackluster experience.

I agree with @8 Gueralinda about the pot. I know Dan really likes pot, and people who really like pot are reluctant to believe this, but not everyone gets all chill and relaxed on pot. It's worth giving it a try if they haven't already, but it's certainly a more complex situation as Gueralinda says.

LW1 - I can't believe that you and your roommates have allowed this behavior to continue for so long in your home - the home that belongs to all of you. YOU get up and leave the room whenever he starts fiddling? How about if you and the roomies form a pact to send HIM to his room whenever he pulls it out? New house rule: "No pud-playing in the common spaces." Non-negotiable!

LW2 - Keep up the good work with those daily showers, dude! Dan didn't really answer your direct question, but yes - after a month of faithfully doing what you said you'd do, I think you are justified in asking your wife when she plans to fulfill her part of the bargain. I really like CMD @4's suggestion of making a sexy game out of keeping it clean. Asking your wife to assist in an additional, ritual pre-BJ cleaning and perform a final visual and olfactory "inspection" of your equipment to make sure it meets her high standards - mmmm, yeah.

LW3 - It depends. What matters more to you: your desire for this man, or your pride in not being the one to ask? If the latter, then move on and accept that you are doomed to always be Confused and Pathetic. If the former, swallow your (foolish) pride and ask your friend what's up. If he's been allowed to date others but not you, it could be that his poly partners see you as too much of a threat to their relationship dynamic - which perhaps you would be, since the two of you are already so close as platonic friends. You may not get the answer that both of you want, but at least you'll know what's up with him, and why.

LW4 - You say that your partner tends to get "caught up in her head" while you are pleasuring her. She may feel overly pressured to try to achieve orgasm in order to please you, and you both seem to be focusing your attention on her failure to orgasm instead of relaxing and enjoying your "amazing sex life." In addition, it's quite possible she's getting TIRED and frustrated by marathon sex sessions that fail to achieve your goal of getting her off. Gueralinda @8 has some good suggestions for you to try as a couple, including visits to a sex-positive OB-GYN or counselor if physical and emotional issues may be getting in the way. If the two of you can play a little more and work a little less, and just enjoy all the ways your bodies fit together without keeping track of whose "turn" it is to come, I'm willing to bet that sooner or later, an orgasm is going to sneak up on your GF. Good luck!

LW5 - Sounds like a "technical virgin" problem to me. Your fiancee probably figured out she could orgasm this way, back when she was a horny teenager who wanted to play with her BF but still keep her virginity. But now it has become more like a fetish, and it embarrasses her. If she really wants to be able to climax without her favorite prop, she'll have learn other ways from scratch, so-to-speak. Behavior-modification therapy applies here, same as for guys who can only come through specialized masturbation techniques. Maybe you can role-play with her in the starring role as the inexperienced young virgin, and you can be the experienced lover who will help her explore her body and find new ways to feel good.

LW6 - I second (third...?) Ricardo @1 and BDF @14's thoughts and advice. It sounds like you perceive your partner's urges to squeeze as a body-shaming insult, implying that you are not tight enough to satisfy him. But think of it this way - your overall tightness may be the very reason that little extra squeeze feels so good to him! In any case, I do think that it would be GGG of you to do some squeezing, either at his urging or whenever you feel like giving him a thrilling sensation, while letting him know that a constant squeeze is neither possible nor pleasurable for you. Plenty of "room" (ha-ha) for compromise here!

LW7 - Of course, that makes perfect sense - it must have been the Evil Twin who was on Tinder, not her friend's husband! Ummm, wasn't this the basic plot to the Patty Duke Show back in the 1960s?

Those of you saying getting wife to help clean his junk... Uh, no.

Look I'm all for shared showers or whatever with someone whose junk I'm already interested in. But put it in context of this dude's story. He has hygiene issues. He only recently started daily bathing. The wife is not interested in giving him a blow job. Now on top of those things, she's supposed to help him clean his junk, sniff it to see if it smells nice, all that before getting to the chore (that she clearly doesn't want) of bimonthly blow jobs? That sounds awful.

I think either they need to work on improving their sex life (and general attractedness to one another including hygiene) while INCLUDING blow jobs as a part of that improvement. Or, as Dan says, let the status quo be what it is and dude gets blow jobs elsewhere.

But saying, "you gotta blow me AND you gotta to keep my junk clean"- nope. That just sounds gross. Helping to clean your partner's junk is gross unless its already clean in the first place and the point is to just enjoy the soap and hot water, etc.

For Girlfriend Dryly Humping-- Why obviously? Why would she be embarrassed that she's found a harmless way to orgasm? Are you insinuating that coming with a penis in her vagina is the "right" way and that dry-humping is "wrong"? Because it sure sounds like that to me. Dry humping doesn't even involve bizarre fantasy-- which is also harmless but which people also find embarrassing. There, at least, you end up explaining the how you wouldn't want to do any of that in reality.

I'm also not sure why the heavy rug burns since boxers are generally made of soft woven cotton, but it seems to me the answer will be found in ordinary lube on all the places that are feeling chafed.

17- Capricornus-- I thought of Phoebe and Ursula Buffay.

EmmaLiz @18, your last sentence is how I was picturing it. Definitely not a chore, and serving as an adjunct rather than a replacement for the daily shower - a sexy, soapy ritual that the two of them could enjoy together as they prepared for further pleasuring. Obviously if his wife feels generally disgusted by this guy and doesn't get turned on by this sort of ritual prelude, it won't work for them. But in my relationship, it totally would.

@22 Mine too. And I'm sure that's how the other people who suggested this were picturing it too. But we have to keep in mind that this guy JUST NOW realized that he should bathe every day. And the only reason he's doing it is because he hopes it will get him a couple of reluctant blow jobs a month in a marriage that only has average sex to begin with. That sounds like the problems are way deeper.

Also I just can't wrap my mind around the weirdness (immaturity?) of someone who previously did not bathe saying "hey I'm bathing now! Suck my dick!" like blow jobs are a reward for bathing. I mean really- it's presented like it's quid pro quo here. If you are going to negotiate for blow jobs rather than incorporate them into a mutually pleasurable sex life, then surely the wife should get something in return other than the husband taking a bath that he should have been taking anyway?

FWTF's description makes me think of a less common form of Tourette Syndrome - except that it would have made starting the relationship pretty unlikely. She doesn't mention when this behavior began.

@23 Hunter
You are correct. I didn't think about that. That would make the letter make a lot more sense. While it's still inappropriate to be constantly fiddling with your dick through clothing and still disrespectful to the roommates, that's far less crazy than the interpretation that I (and others) took which is that the dude was pulling his dick out in front of people who are not involved or interested in his sex life. Thanks.

Fichu @21, LOL, that's another great Evil Twin example - although Phoebe/Ursula was a minor sub-plot on Mad About You and Friends, whereas Patty/Cathy cases of mistaken identity (along with look-alike conspiracies that the two of them concocted) formed the entire plot, episode after episode, of PDS. It got way too predictable after the first few shows, although Patty Duke's versatility as an actress was always fun to watch.

OTOH, Lisa Kudrow did an AWESOME job as Phoebe/Ursula, and it never got stale. I still miss Friends - that was one of my favorite TV shows.

EmmaLiz @24, he's saying "Hey I'm bathing now! Suck my dick!" because THAT WAS THE DEAL THEY MADE. You and I as outsiders can criticize the terms of their deal and say that blow jobs should not be offered as a reward for basic daily hygiene, and his wife should have held out for more in the negotiation - but a deal is a deal, and he has held up his part of the bargain while she has not held up hers. I do agree with your good ideas for helping this couple get their sexual groove back and generally improve the quality of their relationship, which would probably be a preferable way for LW to improve the quantity and quality of BJs and other sexual pleasures with his life partner.

Hunter @26, "fiddling" while clothed is only marginally more acceptable than pulling it out, particularly in a shared household around people who are not one's sexual partners. FWTF made it pretty clear that he does this "almost constantly" and that he feels entitled to do so whenever and wherever he pleases - it's not just a dance pose, or an occasional adjustment of the "package." I can't believe they've allowed him to get away with this behavior for at least the two years FWTF has been dating him. The only scenario I can picture is that he is the homeowner and the others all pay him rent, and therefore don't feel they have enough clout to curb his disrespectful and antisocial behavior.

For Frustrated With The Fiddling-- It doesn't sound like conscious desire to be inconsiderate as much as a bad habit that should be broken. It also sounds like a difference in opinion between public and private spaces.

For example, I'm careful to use good table manners when eating with my boyfriend of many years. When I'm alone, I often don't bother with silverware. On the other hand, when I'm in public, I'm careful not to fart loudly. When I'm home in front of the t.v. with him, I don't bother to get up to go into the other room to fart. These are the sorts of things we've worked out together.
It sounds like your boyfriend just thinks of his home with his girlfriend and roommates as the sort of space where penis-fiddling is okay. The habit must be soothing to him, and he probably doesn't think of it as sexual. Instead of arguing with him or shaming him, I'd guess that the gentle reminder approach would work better. Also, a different more acceptable soothing habit-- perhaps a clean handkerchief in a pocket or tucked into the waistband of whatever he's wearing that could be rubbed.

@10: "You should shower twice perday to prove to her that you want to become her object of desire. Now you have to earn her desire"

No, twice isn't going to make her do what she doesn't enjoy doing.

@17: "LW1 - I can't believe that you and your roommates have allowed this behavior to continue for so long in your home - the home that belongs to all of you. YOU get up and leave the room whenever he starts fiddling? How about if you and the roomies form a pact to send HIM to his room whenever he pulls it out? New house rule: "No pud-playing in the common spaces." Non-negotiable"

Seriously, why is she still dating this weirdo? Toddlers can be taught to not masturbate in public, if he can't handle this I can't imagine how she can work with him to get any stable life together.

I work with small children. Three year old boys like to play with their dicks all the time, too, and we say "that's something people do in private, please".

It works pretty well with tiny little boys who can't tie their shoes yet, so it should probably work with her boyfriend - they sound like they're at about the same level.

A blow job should be the result of helpless attraction not a chore or duty and obligation. If your sex life is average plus higiene has been an issue. I would forget the sex for while to ask more deeper questions. Dont ask her for blow jobs these things should be earned like a ward as result of the gifts we bring to the lives of our partners n that include sex appel which could be the end result of a great converssation n closeness from compatible sexual chemistry.

@31: And do you really want your lover to need to be chided like a son? He's acting like a spoiled infant to his "mommy".

She should really look inward to why this guy isn't one huge red flag. If he can't handle this simple task, he can't be successful in all the other non-manchild tasks either.

I'd be worried about what else lurks.

You didn't put much effort in this week, Dan.

@4 You wrote: "LW4- queer trans woman- a cis woman is fucking you despite, or is it because, your transness. That’s pretty heavy duty for all involved. Proceed cautiously." WTF?! Ew @4, Ew. Why did you feel the need to post this weird icky comment??? There is nothing inherently "heavy duty" about sex & relationships with a trans person. The fact that the LW is trans & her girlfriend is cis has nothing to do with the issue she wrote in about, and your comment about it is icky & strange. It sounds like they have a lovely relationship that is bringing a "sexual awakening" to the girlfriend, and the issue she's having (being pre-orgasmic) is one common to many young women. I wish Dan had offered a more thoughtful response. Pot might work for some to relax, but there's other techniques for getting out of one's head & experiencing physical pleasure - I'd recommend listening to music that makes her feel sexy, or listening to sexy dialogue/sex noises from either a porn video or an erotic audio story, trying out things like blindfolds & actively fantasizing about something, reading aloud a sexy story while being licked or fingered. All of those things help me enjoy what I'm experiencing without focusing on the 'goal' of getting to orgasm.

GDH, apparently Dan is being a dick this week and just being flippant, so here are the bullet points of what he should have said (as taken from his podcast and other columns)
*Sex toys are awesome and you and your girlfriend should do some exploration
*If a contractor builds a house with a nail gun instead of a hammer we don't say "well he used a power tool so it doesn't count." The same goes for orgasms produced by sex toys
*You will have options to acquire them at your comfort level. If you and your girlfriend are comfortable going to a sex shop then make an event from it. If you want online discretion, babeland.com is great. If obviously phallic objects are unnerving for you, consider the Magic Wand "massage" tool which you can purchase on sex toy sites or even Amazon (note: this is considered the Cadillac of vibrators for women and my gf loves it when I use it on her).

LW1: Is this really the only thing wrong with this relationship? Because to me "fiddling with" your dick, in the company of any person with whom your relationship is not solidly pants-optional, seems like a bad enough breach of basic social norms that it might indicate deeper problems. Just wondering.

LW2: What @9 said x100. Also, you're probably reaping the social benefits of being clean (appearing well-groomed, other people feeling comfortable standing downwind from you, etc.) without even knowing it.

LW3: Just not that into you probably

LW4 and 5: Dan. Dan! Stop recommending pot as a magic bullet! First, it's not. Second, there's a not insignificant number of people out there who find that pot just doesn't agree with them - and there's evidence of genetic polymorphism that affects how we metabolize its active chemicals, so no, it's not just your state of mind, maaaaaan. Third, it can trigger psychosis for a small percentage of people. I mean if it turns out pot works for you, that's terrific. But it won't work for everyone.

CANTCOME sounds like an understanding and caring partner, and I hope things work out. Geuralinda @8 has some good advice.

LW6: You've told him it's not pleasurable for you, haven't you? If you have and he keeps pestering you about it anyway, he's a douchestar.

LW7: Tinder kind of sounds like a nightmare to me.

@24 While I agree with the sentiment overall, showering every day is not necessary for everyone. I mean, definitely clean your junk every day, especially if you're expecting someone else to stick it in their face, but showering every day if you're not super physically active can just be a waste of water. Just my environmental two cents.

@4 Kind of surprised so few people have not commented on your "Proceed with caution." Where is that coming from? The LW's letter was about a cis woman's anorgasmia--apparently lifelong anorgasmia, not a "symptom" of dating a trans woman. Why try to sow suspicion on the basis of a cis-trans relationship?

@39 I mean "so few people have commented"

Also LW4-- I can't speak for every cis woman, but I do really like the Jimmyjane Pocket Rocket. If your girlfriend needs intense clitoral stimulation, it'll do the trick, and It's $35 at babeland. But if toys don't do the trick, is it possible she has some kind of preference or fetish she's too shy to reveal? Or any issues with anxiety and depression?

@5 I like my lover's boner no matter what the smell. Yes, I like smelling that funky smell up close and personal when it happens to smell that way. And I don't think a shower every day is required of every person, that's just nonsense. What's required here is that people talk to each other about their preferences, if their preferences are not already being met. It's that simple.

LW5 (Girlfriend Dryly Humping). I would suggest the Magic Wand Original (formally Hitachi Magic Wand). Since your gf likes friction, it should help instead of your leg. You could even wrap the head with a piece of flannel. If she can come using the Wand, I would suggest next trying the PalmPower Massager Rechargeable. It has the strength of the Wand, but is much smaller and can be used during intercourse.

LW2 (Bathe Longer Or Withhold Sex). Have you tried asking her why she doesn't want to give you blowjobs? Did she give them to you regularly while you were dating/newly married? Does it excite her? Many women don't like blowjobs because they gag or hurts their jaw. It may not simply be a matter of hygiene. Try open and honest communication. Not just I want this, so I'll do that. Obligatory sex/sex acts suck(s) (pun intended).

@38 It's a new relationship. CMD offers two options- that the cis lesbian is dating a trans woman either because of or despite her trans-ness. I interpret this question to mean that the cis partner is either intrigued by her gf's trans-ness (like a fetish or a curiosity which is a real thing) or else is able to overlook her gf's trans-ness because she likes her girlfriend (despite her not having the sort of genitalia that she normally prefers fucking). I'd say the criticism of CMD's choice is that there is a third option - that the cis girlfriend doesn't care either way that her gf is a transwoman. Like the rest of you, I did not read anything in the letter that suggested that the fact that the LW is trans has anything at all to do with the girlfriend's problem which in fact pre-dates the relationship so I don't know why CMD said what he did. If they are having sexual problems leading to dysphoria this early on in the relationship, however, it might be worthwhile to at least consider the question. CMD's usually pretty perceptive and open-minded so I hope he clarifies.

There is no real need for daily showering from a medical point of view (bacteria and all) unless you are doing something that gets you dirty. That does not change the fact that the vast majority of people start to have BO, especially in their crotch, feet and armpits, if they do not shower daily. SOME people may be able to go a couple days, but there is evidence to the contrary in this case since the wife says that the husband does not bathe frequently enough. So let's stop saying daily showering is not necessary. For the majority of people to be socially acceptable, yes it is necessary.

Let's also keep in mind that most people shit every day or at least every other day. And if you aren't showering daily, then you likely have fecal matter around your butthole unless you have a bidet which most Americans do not. And yes, you can sometimes smell that shit when you go down on someone- sweaty shitty smell is absolutely disgusting. So as much as some of you might like the smell of your own partner, it's just true that some people stink.

Finally, I agree with above that even if the dude were squeaky clean, his wife does not want to blow him for what are probably more complex reasons.

"A fiddler on the roof...sounds crazy, no?"

Re: fiddling
My daughter dated a man while she was in college and he was a habitual penis-fiddler. (not "taking it out", but through his pants).
Daughter and Miss N. asked me to say something to him. I took Mr.man aside and asked:..
"what is up with the fiddling?"
Answer: "It sticks to my thigh"
My answer was twofold: "Either switch underwear to briefs or else invest in a large can of baby powder. Or just STOP DOING THAT". He stopped doing it.
Re: blow job man
Many women (my miss N. for instance) see the BJ not the way I do as simple foreplay, BUT as a power/dominance thing.
If her opinion of this act is negative, then my advice is to let it go (believe me you have no choice anyway) but use the topic as a way to inquire about other interesting NON-BJ-but-still-fun things to do with your naughty bits. Good luck!
RE: Dry hump
change your attitude. I read Lady Chatterly's lover and the goofball dude was hung up on whether he or his lady was on top!! Good grief your Having SEX MAN! Forget the "rules' in your thick head and enjoy. FURTHERMORE
#1:..Be happy she is orgasmic!
#2 ...switch to silk underwear on date night:..you will both enjoy this.
#3 ...there is no "right" nor "wrong" way to orgasm, IMHO she is not "doing it wrong" get your mind right!

Sorry BLOWS, but Dan is right. The shower thing is just bullshit that she used to end the discussion and as a way to get something she wants while giving nothing back.

Your wife is a selfish lover, and that is not likely to change, especially if she balks at a simple BJ twice a month, which is really asking so little it is ridiculous.

One more thing about BLOWS. Really this is advice to guys in general whose wives don't blow them enough or who find it a chore. I think it really helps if you do not expect a blow job all the way to orgasm. Make that clear up front. I'm way more likely to go down frequently if I'm not expected to stay down there gagging and bobbing until the dude cums which can sometimes take a long time. Also, give some feedback. Lots of guys just lay/sit there. I mean, moan or something, seriously, or it can be really boring. Give guidance and feedback. And if it goes on for a while, pull out and jack off or do something else, move on to other kinds of sex. This will increase blow job frequency as well as make it a more regular part of foreplay and then the blow job giving skills/stamina will also increase which will make it more fun and less chore over the course of your relationship.

This might sound like obvious advice to a lot of you, but in the early days of my own dating and sexual activity (and maybe things are different now), when I'd go down on a guy I was expected to stay down there until he came every single time which made me not want to do it very often. I was well into my 20s before I realized it could just be a regular part of foreplay and that I could go down all the time and then come up when I got bored/tired and move on. Some guys, even still, were like "hey wait..." so it makes me wonder if this is actually a really common problem. The weird thing about this is that it becomes self-perpetuating because if you only give blow jobs when you are wanting to spend a long time down there and take your dude all the way to orgasm, then you never really get a lot of practice at it and so on. Plus it becomes a bigger deal than it should be. This might seem obvious but I don't know that it is, the way I hear so many people talk about it like it is a chore that their wives avoid.

BTW I'm not saying that you should never blow a guy until he comes, but if we are talking about a relationship in which a blow job twice a month is a big deal, then I think it might be preferable to have shorter less-pressure foreplay blowjobs several times a month and then a couple times a month you might get it as the main act. It is easier to move from "my wife goes down on me for a couple minutes regularly and twice a month blows me to orgasm" than it is to move from "my wife's mouth avoids my dick except the two times a month she blows me as a chore". See?

pattergood @ 36
porcupine @ 39
EmmaLiz @ 44
I agree that my wording wasn’t the best, and that I may have projected my own experiences and frustrations.
What I really meant to say is that trans woman should be appreciative and supportive. “Proceed with caution” stands for move slowly and be patient.

It stems from my experience of being some shade of trans, coming to terms with and coming out in a relatively old age.
In my age group, 50’s, there is a lot of on the surface acceptance in public settings that will hardly ever materialize to relationships and sex. “I never thought of it this way” is an answer that may also translate to, “it’s a bit icky and I’m terrified of what the neighbors might say.”

LW and girlfriend are younger; I hope things are much easier for them. At first I thought some of the issues may stem from starting dating while LW was still a male or transitioning, but after reading the letter again I doubt this is the case.

I wish the best to LW and gf and extend my apologies to all trans and non-trans alike.

Oh Dan, you are not in top form eh?
To be expected.
The guy telling his girl to squeeze during sex, is one boring lover. It's hard enough to squeeze without anything up there.

On TWTF, I feel like I need more information. Are the roommates all male? Do they mind? Are we talking about shoving his hand down his pants and resting some fingers on his junk, shifting his junk for comfort, or is the guy basically jerking it in public?

I had a roommate who liked to shove his hand down his pants while watching TV. I thought it was weird at first, but it was a platonic expression of his love for his favorite body part, not sexual, so it was tolerated. I also tried it. It felt nice and wasn't sexual, but I never got into the habit of doing it in front of him or our third roommate. If that's what he's doing, the other roommates don't care, AND he does it in front of his girlfriend OR in front of the other male roommates, but not both, then I might think it was OK. Otherwise, no.

I had another friend in college, who would sometimes wander out of the shower in front of other gusy and we couldn't care less. Obviously, it was also OK for him to be naked around his girlfriend. We had to explain to him that it wasn't cool to be naked in front of both the guys and his girlfriend. I suspect he really knew and it was some sort of weird dominance thing, but he accepted the lesson.

I wonder if that's the problem here. This guy is engaging in behavior that's cool with his girlfiend and cool with his roomies but not cool at all in front of his girlfriend AND his roomies.

But maybe I'm just projecting.

Oh, and if the guy is just shifting his junk around, ask him to be more discreet and pretend not to notice.

@18 Emma Liz: I'm not saying that cleaning up stinky boyfriend's junk is his girlfriend's responsibility! Perish the thought! BF is totally responsible for his own hygiene and keeping himself clean, like the rest of us. What I meant by suggesting a shared bath for BLOWS and his understandably grossed out girlfriend is that it could simply be one way to find common ground between the two, and offer an incentive for BLOWS to get more blowjobs by staying clean and infinitely more desirable, and less of a reeking caveman. Remember, what is Dan Savage's own definition of advice? Someone's opinion of what could or should be done. You, BLOWS, and everybody else can totally disregard anything I have to offer for advice.

@49 Emma Liz: You have good points, however, and I think you nailed it too, as to why BLOWS' GF doesn't want to give head any more than twice a month---she's not into blowjobs. I agree; for me, when I was sexually active way-back-when, it was often an under-appreciated chore, even after my ex had bathed.

@52 LavaGirl: That one was a weird response for me, too.

By the way, @52 LavaGirl, re: @71, from last week's SL column, "Eat Me": Thanks--I couldn't resist the opportunity.

@46 AlaskanbutnotSeanPurnell: Yes, it truly does.

Hunter @59, my guess - and it is PURELY a guess - is that when CC refers to GF's "dysphoria" she means that GF is starting to feel hopelessly anorgasmic, therefore less of a sexual being than most of her peers, and therefore a less-than-worthy partner for CC who has intentionally recreated her life (and by extension, her sex life) as the woman she was meant to be. I think CC revealed her own trans status because it is emotionally difficult for anyone in the trans community to not take it personally when sex partners experience an "ick" factor as CMD relates @51, so at some level she may be trying to figure out if GF's anorgasmia issues (which obviously predate CC) are being helped or hurt by having a trans partner. What is clear is that both of them are sad that none of their efforts so far have produced "success" (if success is defined by GF having an orgasm) and hoped Dan might have better ideas than they had been able to work up. Dan's one-word contribution was "Pot." I stand by my original advice, that if they can just relax and continue to enjoy their happy relationship and otherwise-fine sex life, sooner or later GF will be able to discover what she has thus far been missing in the orgasm department.

Could FTWTF's boyfriend have a rash or uncomfortable undergarments? Perhaps a trip to the doctor would sort this out. Better do it before they repeal Obamacare!

@61: I wasn't aware that rashes caused one to pleasure themselves around houseguests!

He showered, and still no blow jobs. I've given and received oral on day 6 of a seven-day backpacking trip in 90-degree heat. Do people really prefer sanitized scents to the scent of a lover's body? Besides, most Americans have desk jobs!

@ 14 - Bi - See, we do agree on some things from time to time.

@ 23 - Hunter - He if had crabs, the LW, being his girlfriend, would by now have figured out where the problem lies. (Thanks for the laugh, though.)

I agree that fiddling can't really mean that he pulls it out and plays with it. Who would tolerate that? But if he's grabbing his cock over his clothes in order to imitate male rappers, well, there's nothing less anti-mainstream than that nowadays. Besides, it's an adolescent thing. It's time he stop doing it, or else he's showing everyone that he's not mature enough yet to have a girlfriend (which, judging from his reaction to her complaints, seems to be the case).

I once shared accommodations with a guy who was constantly fiddling with his dick (through his pants). At one point I told him "Hey, it's highly unlikely it fell off since you last checked, two minutes ago" in front of the whole household. Everybody laughed (except him). He stopped doing it, at least when I was around.

@64: "I agree that fiddling can't really mean that he pulls it out and plays with it. Who would tolerate that?"

Al Bundy didn't come from nowhere, I imagine.

That said, I enountered someone who had a boyfriend who'd do exactly what happened in public, fondle himself through his pants. They dated him for months longer than they should've and he gave childish answers to why he shouldn't have to restrain himself around guests. There was a looooot wrong with that boy.

@ 67 - "There was a looooot wrong with that boy"

Come to think of it, perhaps it's the start of a new trend among Trump supporters.

RE squeezing: If a guy’s dick isn’t that sensitive (say, circumcized and condomed) and he gives himself most of his orgasms so is used to his own firm grip, it’s totally possible that he needs a tight squeeze to come.

Alternatives to the ultra-kegel:
• Hold your legs together.
• Reach down and grab the base of his cock between two fingers.
• When he wants to come, have him pull out and jack off.

RE: “It’s my house and I’ll fiddle with my dick if I want.”

Sounds kind of like the “It’s my house and I’ll walk across your nice clean floor in my muddy boots and smirk at your helpless protests if I want” of yore. Don’t know if that’s what’s going on, just something to think about.

Congratulations on @69 Alison.
Also in different positions the vagina is tighter.

LW1 - partner of the Fiddler - could be male, rather than female, as most commenters assume. The genders of the roommates are also undetermined. If all are male, would that affect the public fiddling dynamic - make it less awkward than a mixed-gender scenario? I still think fiddling is, at best, Not Good Manners, regardless.

LW2 - those who go by the book say "they made an agreement --> she has to put out." What smells funky to me is that it's not a "sex act A for sex act B" agreement. It's a "sex act A for basic hygiene" agreement. And it seems to be in the context of an "average" marriage, as opposed to a kink-dominated or sm relationship, in which that kind of imbalance might be part of the deal. I agree with those who think there's more to this problem than meets the eye.

LW4 - in my experience, cis women have a very wide range of sexual response, from anorgasmia to the ability to have multiple orgasms. Three months is not very long to be dating - give your (plural) processes time to evolve.

LW5 - it sounds like your girlfriend gets off from pressure on her clit that she controls (I'm assuming here that she's on top). Have you tried letting her rub her vulva on your penis without the boxers, without penetration, and with some lube? It may be that up til now, naked rubbing has lead to penetration before she gets to orgasm, whereas rubbing on your shorts gives her the amount of stimulation she needs, because there won't be penetration. You could let her guide you in after she comes.

LW6 - There's no way I could squeeze constantly during either vaginal or anal sex. Does anyone do that? Anyone?

LW7 - twins, suuuure.

Cap @17: LW4 - You say that your partner tends to get "caught up in her head" while you are pleasuring her. She may feel overly pressured to try to achieve orgasm in order to please you, and you both seem to be focusing your attention on her failure to orgasm instead of relaxing and enjoying your "amazing sex life."
A+ advice. The best way to stop yourself from coming is to focus on whether you're going to come. If not coming is a disappointment to you both, no wonder she is worrying herself out of it. Yes, it would be a great addition to your sex life. But I think if you both focused more on enjoying the moment without orgasm as a goal, you'd enjoy sex more. She can try to learn how to come on her own, without the pressure of pleasing a partner, and then incorporate that into your sex life.

Hunter @19: Just because she doesn't come from PIV doesn't mean she doesn't "like his dick in her." More women than not don't come from PIV, yet most straight/bi women enjoy it.

Hunter @23: I read L1 as playing with his dick through his clothes, but doing so openly and obviously. Still offensive to the unwilling observer.

Porkupine @39: Thank you for mentioning that daily showers are not always necessary. It sounds like they are for BLOWS, otherwise his wife wouldn't have asked, but it's a good point generally. "Shower if you want someone's face in your genitals" is sound advice.

Theodore @48: I am going to assume you are neither female nor a regular giver of blowjobs. As I've said before, they are called blowJOBS for a reason. Many women have small mouths; many men have large cocks. If this is the combination in question, giving head can cause severe jaw ache. Also, some men like to thrust into their partner's mouth and choke them. Unless you are into humiliation, this is really not pleasant. Sure, sucking cock can be great fun; but it can also be a lot of work at best, a lot of pain at worst. I don't think many porn watchers realise this.
In other words: What EmmaLiz said @49/@50.

DCP123 @53: Was your college friend German, by any chance? Semi public nudity is more acceptable in some cultures than others.

Yes of course to lubed dick with no boxers (and vibrators, manual stim) but I wonder if shy vanilla girl either feels comfort or tantalizing guilt or something like that with the boxers there- as either a layer between them so she can tell herself it's not sex or because if she's inexperienced she might be more accustomed to heavy petting make out sessions that don't go all the way and so she's used to cumming that way. In either case, if she's having orgasms regularly this way, they can expand what they are doing (baby steps) so that she has orgasms other ways too even if it always requires clit stimulation or rubbing/grinding directly. Seems like the biggest obstacle here is embarrassment and lack of experience- seems like they have not even tried vibrators or rubbing with other body parts. Though to be fair, I'd like to ask what else they have tried. Does he just mean she can't cum from oral and piv? Or does he mean she can't come from grinding or rubbing on anything but his clothed boxers? If it's the later, then maybe it's even a fetish??

@ 77 and all those who mentioned fecal smell - Thank you. Unfortunately (I believe someone has pointed that out already), you can wash everyday and still smell of shit down there if you had a crap after your shower.

Advice to everyone: whenever possible, wash your asshole with soap and water.before sex. (I say "whenever possible" because I am aware that some situations don't allow it: quickies in public bathrooms, in the photocopy room at christmas work parties, etc. Just don't expect oral or rimming in those circumstances, though.)

@73: And going down on a woman is tiring for my tongue and jaw sometimes too. But if you actually like someone, you are willing to undergo some possible discomfort for something they like. Something tells me you would not think this a good argument is someone utterly refused to do a very basic sex act that you really enjoy and need to be part of your sexual life. Especially after they promised you they would do so.

We all know damn well that if the genders were reversed you would be railing about entitled, selfish males. But because it is a female being a selfish lover...

Theodore @79: The difference is, if you give a woman oral sex to orgasm, you can then fuck her ten minutes later. If you give a man oral sex to orgasm, odds are he's done for the night. So a blowjob is 100% altruistic whereas eating pussy is not. (Yes, generalising as some men can come more than once... but not many, so we'll assume BLOWS is not one of the rare exceptions.)

To clarify, I'm not "railing against" anything, and I agree that if she agreed to blow him, she needs to step up and blow him. She shouldn't have agreed if she's one of those women for whom blowjobs are too difficult. I'm just making the point that it's not as easy as some seem to think.

Theodore @79 - The difference is this - many woman don't orgasm from PIV, while men almost universally do. Therefore, for some women, the only hope for an orgasm during partnered sex is cunnilingus. The same cannot be said for blowjobs.

Regarding the anorgasmic queer woman. My first girlfriend was very experienced and skilled at cunniligus, and I enjoyed the hell out of her going down on me, but I could never get over the "hump" and achieve orgasm. Sitting on the edge of that cliff is one of the best feelings in the world, but if you never get to fall off of it, it can actually become emotionally and physically painful. And trying for months to achieve that release can definitely have a negative impact on sexual desire. I felt guilty because she would have to spend so much time down there. She was very generous and she would insist that she didn't mind, wasn't getting tired, but I knew it was bullshit. Then that guilt becomes another impediment to orgasm, because your head is full of thoughts about how it's not going to happen and how tired and frustrated your partner must be....

I do think the fact that the lw is a trans woman has a bearing on the advice I'd give. I learned how to go down on women by having women go down on me. I could visualize their mouths and fingers in action while on the receiving end, and then I could translate that experience into action when I returned the favor. I knew what felt good, where the sensitive areas are, what pressure to use and where to use it etc... I could give some generic advice here, but if you aren't a cis woman, it won't be as helpful.

I will however confess what did it for me. After months of unsuccessful attempts, one time while my gf was going down on me, she very gently but purposefully slid her finger into my ass. I was mortified and tried to shut the whole thing down, but she pressed on and I decided what the hell - it felt amazing. I had my first orgasm within seconds. I dated her for another 8 months or so, and for the rest of our relationship the only way I orgasmed was with her finger inside me. I was too embarrassed to tell my second gf that I could only come this one, kinda gross, way, so I didn't. Thankfully, having finally fallen off of that cliff, my body and mind had learned that I wasn't one of those people who would never experience orgasm, and I haven't needed a finger in my ass since then.

I don't know how helpful my advice is - my gf was exceptionally skilled at oral, but if your gf is on the edge of that cliff - and she should tell you if she is - then it just might do the trick.

@77

I brought up the fecal smell. THAT is the problem and also why I don't understand all these "I like my partner's smell" comments. The only thing I can think of is that I have had the misfortune of experiencing this more often than lucky commenters here. I'm not sure what that says about me... yuck.

But yes, if you do not bathe daily and you do not use a bidet and you have a healthy GI tract, then there is fecal matter on your butthole. If you also sweat, then I can smell it if I put my face in your crotch. I said this earlier too.

But yeah, I doubt this has shit to do with the wife's reluctance.

@79 Theodore

You can take my advice and flip it. I think it works just as well for men as for women. You don't have to eat pussy until your partner cums every single time you go down on her. It is a perfectly valid form of frequent foreplay. Hopefully you are ALSO eating pussy until she orgasms.

As for the blow job being altruistic because the guy can't fuck after he cums, you know you can always give the blow job AFTER you (the woman) cums as many times as you like. And he still has functioning hands and there are still toys, etc. Plus there is 69 though I have personally never been coordinated enough to pull that off in any way that was anything more than really clumsy and unpleasant. So I don't think this argument works.

JibeHo- Thanks for that. That was actually nice advice and a great story.

BTW, regarding the finger in the ass, I think a lot of women might find that they like butt plugs more than they'd have expected. Then also you don't have to ask your partner to do it if you are nervous about that or if they are. It helps with PIV in my experience too because of the added feeling of pressure. I'd say that a combo butt plug with vibrator is a lot of fun- plus the more nervous of you can experiment in private first and get used to it. I never really want to tell other women what to do here because I know that anorgasmia is actually a real thing and it's hard for me to empathize. But I firmly believe that many women (maybe not all) can train their bodies to orgasm more easily, and playing by yourself and getting used to that first is a big part of that training. Still may not work for everyone.

JibeHo @81: That too. Refusing to go down on a woman, in many cases, means you get to come and she doesn't. And that's a "selfish lover."

EmmaLiz @84: Good point -- he can try getting more oral sex by giving more oral sex. Once she's come a few times she may be far more amenable to getting him off by whatever means he prefers.

@80, 81: You guys seem to think that all men operate as the men you have had sex with, and all women operate the same as you do, essentially. I believe with enough imagination, everyone can get what they want, not just one side getting everything.

My point is, I have read a dozen letters here from women where they complain their guy won't go down on them or something, and everyone calls the man selfish and an asshole and essentially demand he give up the oral on command.

Yet somehow when the roles are reversed, the guy (who fulfilled his part of the compromise, I may add) is still the selfish asshole. Some serious Pillow Princesses over here.

@84: Oh, I agree with all of that, in my sexual experiences, oral was usually just a part of a range of activities. As Dan says, it is such a basic act that it should really just be par for the course.

My wife is among the minority (so it seems) who orgasms easiest from penetration, and seems to like that the best. Honestly, I kind of wish she was more into cunnilingus than she is, but I really can't complain. Although, none of the women I have been with have had trouble getting off with penetration, so maybe I am just lucky, or was blessed with some kind of well-shaped dork or something.

Theodore @87: How is saying "blowjobs can be difficult" the same as saying "the guy is a selfish asshole"?

I agree that oral should be par for the course. However, blowjobs to orgasm are not the only way to accomplish this, as Emma says. Would you accept blowjob-as-foreplay as fulfilling the contract for mutual oral services, if the woman in question finds blowjob-to-completion too physically demanding? (If jaw pain is not an issue, then I am completely with you on oral-as-standard-for-all-genders. And if a man experienced severe neck or jaw pain from trying to pleasure a woman who took ages to orgasm, I'd be similarly inclined to issue him a get-out-of-extended-pussy-eating-free card.)

And no, I know from experience that not all women operate the same way that I do (that's why I said "ten minutes" -- I personally don't need anywhere near that long, for instance), and that not all men operate the same way. I think that the qualifying language such as "many women", "many men", "some men", "sucking cock can be great fun", "odds are" and "yes, generalising" in my posts should make it abundantly clear that I know that.

@87 I think you are picking a fight where it doesn't exist. There is no one here saying that it's OK for a wife to not give oral. There is also no one here who suggests that he doesn't have the right to go elsewhere for it if she doesn't.

The criticisms have been about the negotiation itself, which seems to indicate a much larger problem and also offers nothing to the wife. You are projecting here.

Time for a name change. Sucking cock should never be a job and being blown may not always happen.

Let's face it, this couple don't sound like they have much fun. Or it's a joke letter. Swapping a daily shower? He wants more cock sucking and it's upgraded to twice a month. He wasn't getting much before.
A normal type marriage which has hit a plateau, needs some spicing up. This man needs to go and educate himself in the ways of seduction. And she needs to get her head out of romance novels and do the same.
Sex needs to be revered in a marriage, not taken for granted.
LW. You sound clueless in the ways of presenting yourself as an attractive lover.
Rectify this.

I do have a question for women who say they can only cum from oral though.

I don't have sex with women and I don't have that issue myself so please understand that I'm asking from a position of ignorance here.

But if you can orgasm from oral, that means you can orgasm from clitoral stimulation right? So why is it that the tongue/mouth etc is able to do this for you but hands/fingers or humping/rubbing or vibrators won't? It makes total sense to me that some women (most even) can't orgasm from piv thrusting alone, sure. But I don't see why oral clitoral stimulation would be more effective than manual or machine-operated or whatever.

@88: No one, the LW included, said anything about blowjobs being to completion being a necessity. I don't know where that came into it.

@89: I mean, they made a deal: he would shower everyday, which she wanted, and he would get a couple blowjobs a month, which he wanted.

She got what she wanted, he did not. How exactly did the wife not get anything out of it? She got exactly what she wanted (which seemingly includes not holding up her end of the compromise). Also, I don't think you know what "projecting" is.

But both of you need to be real here: If the roles were reversed, would you post long comments enumerating all the reasons why it is OK for man to not hold up his end, even if the woman did? C'mon now. We all have seen that comment thread play out a million times.

I say projecting because you have some issue in your mind that is not indicated by the words in this thread.

I don't think anyone here did not acknowledge that she is not upholding her end of the deal. But it's ridiculous to suggest that we can't move on to attack the deal in the first place. When your lackluster sex life (average) that apparently includes no oral sex falls to the level of bargaining for sexual favors in exchange for you carrying out what should be very basic requirements of grown up existence, then there are BIG problems. I think the point is that it's no surprise that this woman doesn't blow her husband. That doesn't mean it's not OK- it means that ANYONE can see that this marriage has major problems and that the negotiation was stupid in the first place. And I don't see anyone taking sides with the wife or the husband but rather pointing out what a mess the whole situation is. If you want to limit discourse to simply saying "it's an agreement! she's lazy for not holding up her end!" then go ahead, but that's a rather boring response. It's far more interesting to discuss what these people could perhaps DO about it and why they might be in this situation in the first place. And part of that response is wondering why it is that blow jobs (and eating pussy) are often considered a chore by straight partners. My own contribution to that conversation and suggestion at solution is that the improve the general quality of their sex life and make blow jobs a lesser pressure requirement rather than a bimonthly chore in exchange for the husband maintaining normal grownup levels of personal hygiene. It's beneficial for people to discuss why oral sex and other sexual acts are sometimes contentious in a relationship- there is no one here saying that they should be excused. Understanding a situation leads to improvement and you are the only person making it a gendered issue. As for whether or not we would say similar things to a man saying something similar in a similar context, I have said so earlier in this very thread, and in the months that I've been contributing to this forum, I have seen plenty of things like that. It's only you who are making this a gendered issue which I believe says more about your own frustrations than anything mentioned in this thread. Hence the projection.

Theodore @93: In my experience, "can you give me a blow job" always means to completion. It means "instead of us fucking."
Although no one has actually had to ask me to suck it for a while as foreplay, because I do it anyway. If BLOWS just wanted her to suck his dick as part of foreplay once in a while, then my comments about "it's not necessarily that easy" are rescinded. It's not at all difficult to suck dick for a short while; even a small mouth/big dick problem is solved by the added use of hands.

Straw poll: Who here interpreted what BLOWS wanted as a blowjob to completion, as an alternative to PIV, and who here interpreted it as not necessarily to completion?

I, too, was thinking the word "projecting" about your claim that we think the guy is a "selfish asshole" for wanting oral sex, when the only one who said anything along those lines was you. (A few commenters attacked his hygiene practices, but no one criticised his desire for oral sex.) The only double standards here are in your own mind.

@ 90 - "Sucking cock should never be a job and being blown may not always happen."

I'll have to memorize this one and use it again later. Thanks, Lava.

@ 95 - Here's me projecting: I'm happy when my partner sucks my cock between 2 to 5 minutes as foreplay (not that I'm actually counting the seconds, but just to give you an idea). I'm not happy when he tries to make me come that way, coz it's happened maybe 10-15 times in my life; it gets to be a chore for the both of us, my mind drifts into some other space and I lose my erection.

Such being the case, I thought he only wanted oral from time to time, not necessarily all the way to orgasm.

EmmaLiz @49 wrote "Also, give some feedback...moan or something, seriously, or it can be really boring...And if it goes on for a while, pull out and jack off or do something else."

I agree with the general advice but wanted to add that the recipient of oral can also lend a hand to let the giver have a break. I get us off to a good start, then keep my mouth busy (on the tip or the balls) while his hand gets him close to the edge, then he can finish in my mouth (or on my tits, face, etc.). When he goes down on me, I have my vibrator handy, so he can take guilt-free breaks.

Theodore Gorath @87 "none of the women I have been with have had trouble getting off with penetration, so maybe I am just lucky."

Lucky or possibly a bit naive, if not one of them needed extra clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

"I kind of wish she was more into cunnilingus than she is"

Have you tried suggesting she read erotic stories or watch porn while you go down on her? Some women find it hard not to worry during, so a distraction can be helpful.

Yes Erica, great advice, that's what I meant by pull out and jack off during. You just worded it better. I'm in the second decade of a marriage, so I pretty much have it down now with my husband, but when I was still blowing other people, for sure it wasn't going to always be me getting him there without help from him.

Which leads us to what Ricardo says -glad to hear that is common for others too as when I was younger I internalized it to mean I was not very good at what I was doing. Your interpretation is much like Theodore's. Mine was more like BDF's. As I said, when I was younger, guys (and I) expected the blow job to continue until completion and, as I said, they were often like "hey, wait..." if I quit beforehand or if I was not able to get them there which I took personally as I said. As I got more experience, it was less of an issue both because I was better at it AND because I was smart enough to know better than to make the orgasm a goal and to just keep things fun and hot. That's why I said my advice might be obvious, but hearing all these people complain about their straight partners avoiding oral sex made me wonder otherwise. Maybe people need to hear, hey it's ok for it to just be foreplay for a few minutes. In fact, it frequently gets boring and/or difficult after that.

If this guy is asking for a blow job as a part of foreplay and sex twice a month (not the main event) and he is not getting it for months at a time, then that means that their foreplay is extremely limited and his wife is actively avoiding putting her face anywhere near his dick. This seems more extreme than "average" sex so I didn't interpret his request to mean that she simply goes down on him for a couple minutes as a part of foreplay twice a month. If that's the case, then their sex life has worse than average problems.

I love it when commenters here chime in about these things in detail. I really think it would do a lot of people good to have conversations like this- it lets us know how much we are all experiencing the same thing.

"Sucking cock should never be a job and being blown may not always happen."

Lava @90 wins the thread.

@ 99 - "If that's the case, then their sex life has worse than average problems"

I always think that people who write to an advice columnist saying they have an average sex life are way underestimating the average in order not to feel so bad about their lot.

I used to think “blow job” comes from the act of blowing glass, holding a pipe in your mouth while also work it with your hands, hence the “job.”
For a visual demo check out few seconds from this video, starting at 1:07:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxgIEeIB…

Apparently the Brits are to blame, and there’s no glass involved:
https://newmeridian.wordpress.com/2010/1…

To answer a different question posed earlier:

I can come several different ways but my favourite is definitely cunnilingus. There's just something immensely intense about a warm, moist tongue connecting with your most sensitive nerve endings. The sensation of sucking on my clit is just so intense -- but you can't suck too soon, otherwise it's sensory overload -- that it sends me over the edge like nothing else. No toy I've tried replicates that (although there is a new thing called the "Womaniser" that I may invest in). And the best part is, once I've come like that, my clit is so sensitive that I can easily come multiple times from PIV. So it wouldn't surprise me at all that there are women who only come from oral sex.

I agree with everything EricaP and EmmaLiz have said about oral sex too. I agree, let's not call it a blowjob. Going down, sucking cock, giving head are all better terms for oral sex not necessarily to completion.

@54 &55, corrections: I misread BLOWS letter, that he was married (not BF/ GF).
Thanks again, CMDwannabe, for your early listing of LWs, though, for quickie reference.
Sill, I agree with Emma Liz--it sounds like BLOWS' wife, after all this time is not
into giving oral sex (adding my name to BIDanFan, Erica and Emma Liz---I haven't
much liked the term blowjob, either).
@90 LavaGirl: I second BIDanFan's nomination for winning the thread! Kudos! Like Ricardo (@97), I am memorizing your spot on comment for future reference. It's an instant SL classic.

Rats! I thought I'd indented my last comment--sorry.

@102 CMDwannabe: .....and the Brits are also responsible for offering colorfully named food concoctionc like "spotted dick" (a rich, tea-time dessert pudding with raisins).
Maybe British comedian John Cleese is right (in Monty Python), it's all about "...sex, sex, sex".

@104 & @106: Please forgive my unintended misspellings. My typing fingers tend to malfunction when I'm rolling and / or answering to many comments.

Okay--back to Dan, SL and Quickies.