Savage Love

Revolution Hall

Comments

1
Dan the Man, thank you for a repeatedly seriously kick ass weekly Savage Love column, and bless you and everyone for helping so many of us cope with the upcoming looming Evil Empire in 2017. Let the Revolution begin!
2
Joe Newton strikes again! Once again, sheer graphic genius.
3
"How do white people talk to black people about Donald Trump?"
Your answer is so spot on, Dan, that I nominate you, as well as Joe for his brilliant cone for a Genius Award each. That's it, entirely. So many blindsided by Orangeman need to shut up and listen.
4
Seriously, Dan---another week batting 1,000--your answers just plain rock again. Happy New Year and major Kudos.

Okay---amazingly, Grizelda is first (ME!) this week. Question of the week: will Griz hit the magic number, too?
5
Rest in peace, Carrie Fisher and George Michael. Leaving us at 60 and 53 is way too young.
6
Vennominon: I gratefully accept my LMB Award, and will be using this honor very soon in 2017.
7
What did they mean by 'hall pass?' And what does the rest of the world mean by it?
8
The question about who's wins an argument in a same sex relationship irks me. Are you sayin in a hetero relationship the man or the woman automatically wins based on their gender? Lame. I do love Dan's answer. Instead of delving into the bullshit--- dance off, or golden girls trivia. Whatevs.
9
You know, most runners don't want to have sex on their runs. It's distracting and uncomfortable. Maybe you're wrong about this?
10
Polyphemus @7: A "hall pass" in this context is advance permission to have one-off sex outside the relationship, probably in return for forgiving a partner's cheating or allowing them an exception in return. They can come with strings attached ("only with a complete stranger" seems to be this LW's; "only with someone who is not my gender" is a common one), or not, probably depending on how the hall pass was agreed in the first place.

Bodhirungus @8: Yeah, that question was clearly a misogynist thinking he was being funny. Good thing Dan is funnier.

Traffic @9: That was my thought too: I bet the women are NOT having sex in the woods, it's just LW's sex-deprived imagination. He should absolutely NOT allocate himself a presumptive hall pass. He should address the "not getting enough" issue rather than make unfounded assumptions.

I do love Dan's short, sharp snark, but a few of the snappy answers I'd like to expand on:

For Foursome, what happened to Dan's standard answer of get the booze flowing and turn the conversation to sex? Suggest a hot tub party, Truth or Dare game, or perhaps a film which is sexy but not porn (the Sense8 Christmas special might do the trick)? These subtle methods are less likely to make them freak out or ruin the friendship, but on the other hand it's also less likely they'll pick up on the hints, if they themselves are not the let's-get-sexy-with-friends types.

And for Tossed Salad Girl: Flavoured lube? And a hard "not until you lick it" rule for buttfucking. (Some straight guys do not want to put it in your butt, FYI.)
11
Pregnant lady needn't worry. Chances are once the milk comes in, and she's leaking like a faucet, there'll be plenty to go around. Also, it doesn't taste like much: watered down milk with some sugar added. Kinda bland.

4 months? She's in the groovy to be pregnant stage. There are so many physiological changes coming down the pike for both her and her hubby that this will be an inside joke before long.
12
How do you decide who wins an argument in a same-sex relationship?

A sudden-death round of Golden Girls trivia.

Doesn't this assume it is a MALE same-sex relationship? (I would recommend a more gender neutral game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.)
13
Female ejaculation- no trump aside (hi Venn), some claim this is mostly-if-not-only urine.
http://www.sciencealert.com/here-s-where…
I look forward to a thorough examination of the matter in a future savage.

How do I get my partner to top me- by being specific and also sending flirty submissive messages to assure all involved that you really mean it despite pc. This way you also get to set your boundaries while also signaling your willingness to be challenged.

Trans man- “We are going to have a baby” should be sufficient. Judging from the way you present your case, I think most would assume she’s the one who’s pregnant. Those who didn’t are very likely to do so now.

Husband of 40 years- apparently it’s not that unusual as he still keeps embarrassing you till this very day.

straight guys want to put it in your butt- maybe offer to eat them first and assure them it feels nice and intimate, regardless of genitalia.

Husband excited about breast milk- hubby may change his mind. I slowed down in that department while the off springs showed up and all involved stated their priorities.

Utah Damage- how did that manifest and what did Dan do to help?
14
Not ALL straight guys want to put it in your butt. Many of us know the reward is nowhere near worth the effort and mess.
15
Hey, I'm straight and I'd totally do it. Eat LW's butt, that is. As much and for as long as she'd let me. (If it's clean. And a little hair removal in the proximate regions, if appropriate, would be rewarded.) Dan's being funny, but you don't need a gay guy. You just need the right straight guy. Seek and you will find.
17
"But the existence of a spouse must be disclosed sometime between the end of the first text exchange and the start of the first blowjob."

N.B.: Not including blowjobs in the sex is not a way out of having to disclose.
18
To the woman who is 4-months pregnant: Before I had my children I too thought I would not be interested in having my husband suckle at my breasts while I was nursing. However, I have always enjoyed having him suck on my nipples and it can often put me over the edge to orgasm when combined with other things. If you like your nipples being touched/sucked when having sex, I would venture a guess that you'll like it again while you're nursing. It feels different from the way babies nurse, but separating the two can still be difficult and my nipples definitely get over touched/sucked from time to time - then it's off the table. But, he should definitely quit talking about it while you're pregnant. Good luck and hopefully you can find a way to compartmentalize your breasts while you're nursing so they're sometimes a food source and sometimes a source of pleasure for you and your husband.
19
@ 18 reminds me an old joke:
What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
All made for the kids, yet the father gets to play with them way more.
20
@10: Lawl, so many writhing orgies in that show!
21
@ CMD 19 good one!
22
@19 CMDwannabe: I second MizM: That is a good one! Thank you for adding some needed humor to the discussion thread.

Rest in peace, Debbie Reynolds. At least you are again reunited with your lovely, universally iconic daughter, Carrie Fisher----may the force be with you both.
23
@16 Hunter: No---and I have a feeling @15 Whirled without end would readily agree with you. I think Dan's "date a gay guy" response was just his Midwestern sassy snark that we know and love.
24
@13 CMDwannabe: Thank you for sharing an informative link about female ejaculation.
It may explain a few things happening in my life, currently, at 50+.
25
NO DAN, 58% of white people did not vote for tiny trump. 58% of white people *who actually voted* voted for tiny trump. 46% of the country didn't bother to vote at all, which means those who didn't vote and are white didn't vote for tiny trump! And this white lady voted for Johnson.
26
@9/Traffic Spiral: I figured that LW might have followed his wife and spied her in flagrante delicto, but that he did want to admit to doing so. He may have also just seen evidence that his wife was up to something other than running, such as marks on her body, she wasn't sweaty after an long run, etc.
27
@25: The white people who "voted their conscience" or didn't vote did nothing to prevent Trump. You literally don't count.
28
I run in the woods with my girlfriends frequently. Nothing sexual happens, but we talk about everything under the sun. And everything we get under or on top of ;)
29
Relationship status: disclose before the end of the first text. I don't have time to waste, and most other people don't either.
30
Re revealing an open relationship on Tinder. Almost a year ago, my now former husband said that he wanted to try polyamory, and I was all for it, being bisexual and having had a long-ago poly past. But then he started to want to hide evidence of our marriage until the last minute - no wedding rings, no mention of our relationship on dating sites, etc. - with the justification that it would be easier to get a first date if we didn't spring our complicated lifestyle on people too soon. To be fair to him, he did tell the women he dated that he was married, once he started having serious conversations with them. Nevertheless, it turned out that he wasn't interested in polyamory at all - he just didn't have the courage to end our marriage. Once we figured it out, we got a divorce.

Of course, everyone's situation is different, but I would be very wary of an "open relationship" that looks like cheating.
31
"And this white lady voted for Johnson."

Sorry, lady, you voted for Trump. It was a bank-shot vote, sure. But a vote for Trump just the same.
32
Hey Dan. Happy new year and thank you for all you do. Your work has made my life better, saner, happier and funnier.
33
I know I'm not here often anymore but I'd like to say happy New Year to all my SLOG friends and family. I miss you all. BTW, substitute lolo for Lawrence and you can find me on FB. Take care, y'all.
34
@31 Dan the Man: I could not have said that any better. I'm grateful to be a white voter--NOT among the 58%---who gladly voted for Hillary. Stein, Johnson, and write-in voters voted for Trump, knowing damn well what they stood to lose. And they won't like it come 2017. The voters I really don't understand during this abysmal presidential race were the avid Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. "Feel the Bern") supporters SO angered by Sanders' having conceded the Democratic nomination to Hillary that they did an abrupt about face in the polls, openly declaring their votes for----wait for it---TRUMP!
@32 Jayde: Thank you for joining us. Dan's great, isn't he?
@33 lolorhone: Lolo!! Great to hear from you! Happy, Healthy New Year and hope to see & hear from you again soon. All the best!
35
and @25: NO, ANGIE, you'll find out as of January 20, 2017 just how fucked you are among those of us in the 99%, and just how severely your lame duck vote for Johnson helped fuck over the 99%--especially when Adolf Trump fails to deliver on all those campaign promises he had neither the ability nor the desire to ever keep.
36
Anybody who voted for Trump, Stein, Johnson, held out out for Sanders, or submitted write-ins for Mickey Mouse just vowed to Make America Great Again----for the richest, most shamefully corrupt 1% and the Russians.
37
@13 I think Dan did a piece on this a few months back when some science study similar to the one you link came out. It will be fascinating to learn more about it, I'm sure, but where it comes from and what it's made up of really has nothing to do with how common it is for women to squirt or what it feels like. Personally, I like the term female ejaculate because "squirt" just sounds incredibly unsexy. I've never done it or felt compelled to try, though.

@9 and @10 I took the tone of the question to be more sexual and jokey. I like to imagine that my husband, who travels a lot for work, hooking up with all the flight attendants. And once he shared a tent with one of his very attractive friends and I was happily convinced that they were getting it on all night.

@36 While that's all true, and I said it until I was blue in the face in the months leading up to the election trying to convince people to vote for her, I'm past the point of blaming the Sanders/Stein/Johnson/abstainers. The fault is on the DNC and Hilary. It was strategically stupid to run her, regardless of whether or not she deserved all the hate- she is deeply hated. People in blue coastal cities probably don't know the extent to the hatred for her. She did remarkably well considering how much people hate her- and that says a lot about how horrible Trump is. What's happened is going to have long term consequences, yes. Hopefully the Democrats will learn from it and stop being centrist imperialists who serve oligarchs only slightly less than the Republicans.
38
@37 EmmaLiz: Yep---however, I am just shocked as to how much Hillary is hated across the Divided States, and still reeling and appalled about how a shamelessly narcissist megalomaniac who DIDN'T win by the popular vote nationwide--but by sheer hatred--will be taking over the White House. And he and his latest bimbo won't even be living there after Trumpzilla's inauguration! The Democrats caved too much and were the only ones compromising. The rest of us got it in the end.
39
@36 EmmaLiz: You nailed it, too, about talking DNC until blue in the face, to no avail. Trumpists, their lawyers, lobbyists, and blindsided lackeys--however poor and ignorant---are indeed, the pathetically woeful Webster's Dictionary profile of unreachable.
We are about suffer the Corrupt and Stupid.
40
This is NOT a "Simpsons" episode in which Homer J. (" Mmmmmmmmm......dough-nuts....") presses the "Big, Shiny, Candy-like" doomsday button, and Springfield ignites into a glowing Tang-instant-breakfast-drink orange apocalypse, giant mushroom cloud, and---credits and goofy TV theme song. This is horrifically real.
Our only hope now, in addition to resistance, is a double impeachment right after the world's most disastrous inauguration ever in history.
41
I hear ya, John Belushi (as John "Bluto" Blutarsky in National Lampoon's Animal House, to Delta frat pledge, Stephen "Flounder" Furst): "My advice to you: start drinking heavily." I plan to hit my red wine supply early this New Year's.
Rest in peace, John.
42
Happy New Year.
43
@42 LavaGirl: Happy New Year. If you need a drinking buddy, please let me know.
44
Vennominon: I hope I don't have to use my accepted LMB Award, but yes, I am grateful that it is available.
45
Lava @42: You're not THAT far ahead of us, surely? :)
Happy New Year's Eve to you too!
46
Rest in peace, fallen celebrities as well as fallen non-celebrities of 2016, and condolences to all who were close.
I find it a strange comparison the late Carrie Fisher had made, commenting in her memoirs [ in "Wishful Drinking"] of her parents' (the late Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher) much publicized love triangle with Elizabeth Taylor to that more recently of Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie-Pitt and Brad Pitt. Although I sense the playful snark in [Carrie] Fisher's tone, possibly in an attempt to relate to younger audiences, I can't see Aniston and Jolie-Pitt ever as BFFs, as Reynolds and Taylor ironically once were amidst all the tabloid press.

Note to everybody following Griz's fantasy boyfriend infatuation with William Bradley Pitt--again, and with heartfelt feeling: No, I am neither desperately seeking nor stalking Brad Pitt. Despite my ongoing physical attraction, I actually feel sorry for him at this point in his illustrious film career--and even sorrier for his and Angie's kids.
And while I'm glad they won, the Chicago Cubs, after a 108-year Billy Goat curse, FINALLY won the World Series.
This has indeed been a very weird year.

47
@42 BiDanFan: Lava is, I believe, (but correct me if I'm wrong, Lava) 17 hours ahead of us on the West Coast in the U.S. So she's off to a good start in New Year's imbibing. Cheers!
48
I raise a glass or three of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, and Pinot Noir to everyone.
Cheers, hugs, VW beeps, positrons, and butt swats to all.
49
...and I haven't started drinking, nor am I even the least bit drunk yet. Otherwise, my posts would be drowning pathetically in sloshy typos.
50
@39 Griz, Well I'm up to my armpits in Trump country so I didn't attempt to change any of their minds at all. If there had been someone other than Clinton, I could have, but not when their only alternative was one-half of the couple that they believe epitomizes everything they hate about Big Government. I tried to talk them out of believing in the crazier conspiracy theories and I tried to bond with them over mutual causes for pride and discontent, but that could never extend to voting for Clinton and I know it. She has been deeply hated here since the mid 90s. It's all tied up in Waco and NAFTA and the repeal of Glass Steagall and the health care debacle and the fact that lots of people really are afraid of war with Russia so Trump's ties with Putin don't sound so bad. But it's a bigger ball of hate than that and this probably isn't the place to get into it (besides I've done it elsewhere) and I hate her myself for plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons so I'm not good at defending her anyway. Though I voted for her because I'm a fucking grown up who doesn't want to burn the country to the ground. What shocks me is just how clueless the DNC was. I mean really clueless. I think they thought that even though she was deeply hated, they'd still be able to get enough votes to elect her, and they very nearly did- even winning the popular vote. But it would've still been playing with fire to take the chance, and besides that would've given the far right years to grow in discontent. That would be preferable to the shitstorm we have now, but why even go that route when there are so many other alternatives? It's not like there aren't other competent politicians in the Dem party that DON'T carry decades worth of polarizing baggage. She's literally the worst candidate they could've run from a strategic point of view. Perhaps the second worst- I bet Anthony Weiner would've been worse. But if he'd beat Trump at least we'd have the amusement of presidential dick pics.

What I meant was, I put my efforts into trying to convince the majority of my friends and neighbors (and they are NOT Trump supporters nor did they vote for him) to vote for Clinton instead of Stein, Johnson, write-in Bernie or abstaining which is what almost everyone I know did. They were the people I was trying to reach, and I'm pretty sure I failed in convincing even one of them. Though some regret it now.

51
EL @ 37
re 9&10
And if dreams come true?
52
EL @ 37 again
Hope it didn’t come across as a snarky H remark.
As a lifelong big time introvert with a rich imagination I always liked to create situations, imaginary role plays, what ifs, and so on.
Some real life encounters may include reenacting, or at least be partially inspired by a previous fantasy.

I think it’s great that you can incorporate your husband in such thoughts. I hope he knows and can tell you which flight attendant he eyed, and what they could have done in the airplane’s bathroom while the passengers forming the long line start getting a bit impatient and bang on the door.
Pilot and co watch it all on the hidden security camera while sitting at the – where else- cockpit.

Brie de Nangis, any semi-decent medium red and beyond would do.
Happy New Year and eighths candle to all.
53
@50 EmmaLiz: B-but---even if aptly named Anthony Weiner had run under the Democratic ticket--we STILL would have ended up with an unscrupulous dick in the White House either way! How could that have been better?
54
@50 EmmaLiz, Part II: I was trying to make at least a little humor in @53. At least you tried to reach those considered unreachable, deep in the heart of Trumpland. What is sad is that those who regret the abysmal outcome of this year's election now are too late in their remorse. The grave consequences will hurt us all.
I guess my more optimistic view of Hillary Clinton goes back to the early '90s--as senator and First Lady.
56
Few days ago, just when I thought Santa did manage to sneak in through the bathroom ventilation system, weak in review has appeared.
Now we get another pile. First thing in the morning.
57
Strangely enough, the black people who tell me I need to shut up and listen to them (because they're black) seem to have less worth saying than the black people who are actually interested in having a conversation, where people from varying backgrounds come together to share and comment on their experiences and hopes and fears and maybe humanize people different from them in their minds.
Actually, it seems to me like the hardline SJW-fringe in general seems to have a problem with actual conversation. (Several "activists" of various stripes have told me explicitly so.) Probably because conversation leads to discussion, and discussion leads to debate, and debate implies diversity of opinion? I dunno.
58
Griz is back after a night of drinking, snacks, and movies.
Amazingly, I did not become intoxicated or wake up to a splitting headache & hangover
(access to food and water helped). I think my body may have allotted me a free night.
I still have some red wine left, plus a bottle of Merlot to share with neighbor friends later.
Safe, healthy entries into 2017, Dan & everybody. May the Revolution begin!
For everyone in the PNW and above the equator, stay warm!
59
@58: Rats! Sorry I failed to indent again. It looked properly punctuated inside the Add A Comment box before I posted.
@58 p.s.: And for everyone below the equator (LavaGirl et al): Happy New Year and hit the beach!
60
Just 10 away......will Griz make it?
61
@57 venomlash: Maybe what I should have said in @3 was "How does ANYone, regardless of race, gender, ethnical background, income and / or educational level, religious belief, etc., etc., talk sense to a rabid, gloating Trump supporter----especially those with ironically the most to lose (i.e. Grays Harbor County, WA voters, who are presently among Washington State citizens aged 18-65 most dependent upon Obamacare, yet whose majority switched historically from being a blue county to blood red in decades by supporting Trump (!!), from a Danny Westneat article recently in The Seattle Times) upon the Orangeman's pending hostile takeover of the White House? Anyway, that's what I meant.
62
Seriously, I know people on Facebook that I'm no longer communicating with until further notice because I don't know what to say to them anymore. One crowing Trumpist I grew up with is SO proud of her active military sons. What happens to them, though, if the VA becomes privatized and her sons and families (one son just became a new dad) suddenly get cut off from their well-earned VA medical care (TRICARE Prime), and after so many back-to-back deployments overseas? And I'm a veteran, like her sons; she's not, and "all for the private sector". It makes no sense to me at all.
63
I LOVE The Stranger's cover photo of New Year's fireworks and list of places to ring in the new year. I wish I was pumped up about seeing 2017 in. Maybe more red wine would do it (I can't do cocaine and malt liquor--that was Arthur Zifferelli).
64
If there is a big, gigantic global mushroom cloud accompanied by a blindingly bright flash of light and then-------!!!!!@$%^@#^&@#@#*&^%!! on Friday, January, 20, 2017, hopefully my beloved & I and all our loved ones will be together, and, like Carrie Fisher and her equally dynamic Mom, Debbie Reynolds, the Force will be with us.
65
May the Force be with all of us and good triumph over evil. Regroup. Resist.
Let the Revolution begin!
66
All I know is that while my rent and bills are all currently paid, and we've made it through another month, I'm NOT ready for January 1st. Not this year. I can't sleep. It's going to be a long night and an endless upcoming year.
Every morning when I wake up in my own sweet little bed, my beloved VW starts right up, music, Volkswagens, cats and the good people in my life continue to enrich comfort my life, then it's a promising start to the day and I am most humbly grateful. But I am feeling deeply apocalyptically uncomfortable. I don't want to say I'm scared, but---I have never felt so much at unease as I was in January 2001----when I was in survival mode, three months from having to flee literally for dear life from an abusive marriage to a clueless GWB nut with anger issues. I don't want to live in fear ever again. This is infinitely worse. My beloved and I don't have my incredible parents to turn to physically and financially. There is no "moving back in with Mom and Dad" for us. We're turning to local resources and praying, contributing what and when we can. I just wish I felt better about the upcoming new year, and appreciate everyone's thoughts.
Dan and everyone?
67
I am also grateful to have the VA Crisis Line (800-273-8255) and Vennominon's LMB Award, both at the ready. It's good to let it out. I'm glad to have another therapy session lined up soon.
I cannot accept Trump. Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton are my Presidents. Erase the hatred.
68
I guess I will wait out the last hour (PST) before calling it a night and the end of 2016, have a glass or two, and share a hug with my beloved. We are in for nasty weather---harsh Arctic winds, snow and ice for the nest two weeks.
Everyone stay warm and safe.
69
Okay--thank you, Dan and everyone for one last SL wish of 2016--the magic number.
Everyone stay healthy and well, and heaven bless.
XO,
Griz
70
Please excuse the typo in @68. It's meant to read: ".....for the next two weeks". But you all knew that. I guess the weather will indeed be nasty for our little nest, though, well into January.
Before adjourning to bed and the New Year is upon us, I must clean my 2016 slate and ask: @Hunter78 with no animosity intended: What is meant by het-male commenters (i.e., LateBloomer and Seandr, et. al) being "chased off" Savage Love? I don't remember ever going after either commenter, and remember agreeing with both at times. Neither one answered me.
71
Seriously--peace. No hateful or hurtful slurs or mean comments by me were ever intended----not even during the Battles of the Sexes.
Wine, hugs, positrons, VW beeps, and good spirits into 2017 and beyond.
72
I am listening to Pink Floyd right now----about the only type of Wall I can afford to stand. Heaven bless you, Roger Waters!
73
Did everybody mass exodus to Canada? Helenka? Dan? Lava? Nocutename? sb53? CMDwannabe? BiDanFan? Hunter78?
Okay......now I am getting scared, even with an enhanced WA driver's license, and a passport.
74
*Sigh*. Okay---back to Hunter (see @55 way, way back) and the return of the Savage Love letters to Dan.

75
If nothing else, at least I among others helped amply contribute to Dan's SL column, Revolution Hall and Hunter's ensuing SL Week in Review.
77
Well, rats. I feel like Ben Stein, as John Hughes' dry high school Economics teacher in Ferris Beuller's Day Off this week: Anyone?...Anyone?.........Beuller?...Beuller?....Bueller?...Frye?...Frye?...Frye?...
Dan, LavaGirl, Hunter, CMD, Bi, sb53, somebody---please take over now!
The lack of responses has gotten ridiculous. Not even 100 this week.
78
@76 Hunter: Cattiness----by whom, me--however leonine (reeeoww!!)? I still don't understand why Seandr, LateBloomer or any other exiting cis-het male from Savage Love would be pissed at me, personally. I don't see ALL het males as patriarchal male chauvinists, because they're not all patriarchal male chauvinists. And that would be generalizing.
When I had commented lo these many columns ago, it was largely because I had something to add about leaving an unhealthy relationship. There were times I was in agreement with LateBloomer and /or Seandr.
Lack of gays and guys? I don't really sense it, Hunter......Dan and fellow commenters?
79
@76 Hunter, Part II: I meant your comment, "Meanwhile, returning to the letters...", which was what I thought would shift the comment thread back to Dan's column this week, Revolution Hall, the LWs and his responses. So I backed off for a while to give someone else the opportunity to comment. Imagine my surprise to become the sole commenter after CMDwannabe, venomlash, and you up to this point in the thread, all by myself.
80
I have indeed, been sexually harassed and molested, and by het males each time more than once in my life. But not all het males are rape-minded sociopaths. 25 years later, I still have a hard time socializing (the idea of dating scares the shit out of me) and am currently in therapy for military-related PTSD. But I'm not blaming male commenters, you, Dan, or anyone else here for my ongoing challenges.
81
My main point was that, for all good cis-het male out there who are just as repulsed by rape-minded groping sociopaths----like the soon-to-be inaugurated Trumpzilla----to please SPEAK OUT against rape minded sociopaths like Donald Trump and his frat-boy cronies.
The once-United States is tragically going in a terrible downward spiral with the incoming Trump Administration in which our increasingly violent, gun toting, bully apologist, rape culture is about to become infinitely worse instead of better.
82
Allow me to elaborate further by offering a film-based metaphor: what about the Guy in the Black Hat ('Ma'am? Care to dance some?') in the Silver Bullet road house in Thelma & Louise, who dances with Louise (Susan Sarandon). He politely tips his hat, flirts with pretty ladies, chats with the bartender, has a few beers, shoots some pool, and dances with Louise to Charlie Sexton, right? And yet which guy from that bar scene is remembered most glaringly throughout the film, and law-wise, nothing has happened to him, or ever will? Harlan Puckett (Timothy Carhart), who assaulted Thelma (Geena Davis) in the parking lot. Both women flee the scene after Louise shoots Harlan ("We don't live in that kind of a world, Thelma--only about 100 people saw you dance cheek-to-cheek with him all night, etc., etc., GodDAMMIT, pull over!'), believing that they would face arrest, trial, conviction, death by electrocution, as well as punishment to the full extent by reporting the rape. Yet it was Thelma and Louise who were victimized. And the true gentleman in the black hat is left behind at the bar, is immediately forgotten by the end of the scene. Sad---if more het male bar patrons were like the gentleman in the black hat. Is he supposed to be boring?
Too many bullies---exactly like Harlan Puckett and Donald Trump---are claiming to be the victims when they are really the criminals, and are shamefully getting away with it. What's especially dangerous about Trump are the flood gates he is about to throw widely open in his agenda of misogyny, racism, and overall hatred.
83
Hi Grizelda, all good. Just relaxing around the New Year. Don't you worry that you said anything to see off commenters. People move on. And seriously, it just shows you how tough women can be.
Here we are continuing on SL and still having to put up with hunter's relentless sexist diatribes.
Keep playing your music Grizelda, and stay warm. Happy New Year.
84
Hunter @76: Well, if nothing else your comment demonstrates that women are more emotionally resilient than men. Seandr, LateBloomer, chased away by "cattiness"? When the women on the board have managed to weather the storms that were Eudaemonic and Commentor, and stand firm on our beliefs and principles? Masculinity is so fragile.

(Note: This comment is not serious, but a faux-sexist in-kind reply to Hunter's charges that it is the fault of unnamed women that some of our het men have left the board.)

It is true that the beneficiaries of the patriarchy often serve to function as symbols of the patriarchy. But it is equally true that men often take personal offence to comments about terrible male behaviour, regardless of whether they personally engage in the behaviour in question. I don't think discussions of typically male, bad behaviour such as promotion of rape culture, objectification, etc should be quashed if someone inadvertently leaves off the universal "not all men" qualifier to their observations. (At the same time, I think everyone should try to refrain from ascribing universal behaviour patterns to any gender, or assuming that membership of Gender A means one necessarily exhibits Behaviour B, which I have seen all genders and orientations do here.)

I didn't message Sean. I don't know how to search profiles here on the Stranger, other than seeing a comment and clicking on the name of the person who made it, and if Sean is not here commenting it could take quite some time to find a past SL he's commented on and get there that way. Perhaps if I get time, I'll have a search -- or if someone has a link to post, my lazy self thanks you.
86
CMD @52 As usual you have the better spread. We had tacos, beer and live music in an outdoor pub. If those fantasies became reality I'd have to come up with other ones, but my immediate response would depend on the details and circumstances.

Griz @53 That joke was much appreciated!

Venn @57 I don't think he was talking about spirited discussion with a diversity of opinion and rather when white people tell black people (or other POC) about how all their (black people's) feelings about Trump are wrong. This is a real thing- I've been witness to it at least a couple times a week for months now- when white people who are Trump supporters tell nonwhite people that their opinion that Trump is racist is wrong and let me tell you why etc. It usually involves them saying things like "he doesn't really mean it" or "he's from NY and has always worked with people of all races" and they really and truly cannot see how someone in a targeted group feels about the things he says and the people he's giving a platform to. So when I hear someone say "how can I talk to black people about Trump" I immediately assumed they meant this- how can I convince black people that Trump and his supporters actually ARENT racist. And Dan's response is correct. First, you must listen and try to imagine things from the other perspective. (I don't mean YOU personally of course). Anyway this is what I think Dan was referring to.

Griz, hope your prospects for the new year start to look up. I'm sure you'll continue to focus on the worthwhile things as much as possible. Yes at @81 and also BDF. Even if some het men are turned off (and I don't know that this is true), why should we be more concerned than if other groups were? Het men aren't a gold standard, though I'm personally rather fond of them.

87
I’ve been here few years as a regular and I can’t recall someone being chased away only because of their genitalia and orientation. Marcelina, among others, never qualified as “patriarchy.”

It is my impression that Dr. Sean chose to leave because his self-declared liberal and feminist credentials were questioned. I thought those questions were legit, based on his own comments, and did not consider their tone to be overly hostile if any at all.
88
CMD @87: I know you probably have better things to do, but you seem to have recollection of the discussion in question -- I have none. Do you have a link? I do recall that Sean was often cheeky in a way that could easily have been construed as misogynist, the kind of "joke" that the joker finds obvious but not all readers see as such. As a regular I could tell when he was joking, but I'm not surprised if others (or I myself) had called him out on some remarks. Humour is often very hard to detect online.

And in further SL-from-the-past news, someone posted this link that seemed pertinent to a discussion we had sometime late last year:
https://www.girlonthenet.com/2017/01/02/…
My comment on the Facebook share was of course Lava's observation on the ill-suited term "blowjob."
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@88 BiDanFan I've found that chemistry is really the key to blowjobs. When things are hot, it's just something you really want to do. When the chemistry starts to fade, it's the LAST thing you want to do! I can't be the only one this happens to.
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Dear Auntie Griz @73
Nope, haven't moved. Still, thankfully, in Canada. I was just away from this column. Stayed up all night on the 30th writing a story. Remained productive and sober on the 31st (I had one Tonic Water as my bubbly). Yesterday had church, writing, and catching up on FB.

I'm not familiar with cars. Is your VW the iconic "bug" style? That one I've always loved - and it's even a good fit for tall people! Anyway, I'll send you hope and perseverance in the face of adversity (whose name has only 5 letters) and trust that all of your pleasures will sustain you during these twelve months.
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BDF @ 88- no specific link, this is a gut feeling based on ongoing “jokes” and discussions.
One of the jokes that come to mind was the showerhead replacement, something that “even a woman can handle.”
An apology followed after someone raised the issue, but it may signal a deeper sentiment.

In some discussions about family and relations with the wife he came across as a “very provider.” At one point someone expressed her surprise that such patterns and attitudes can still be so prevailant in a marriage were both partners are seemingly highly educated professionals, residing in a deep blue bubble.
He left shortly after.
The person who wrote it did so in a civilized manner and has no reason to feel guilty, something we liberals often feel obligated to for some reason.
93
How do I get my partner—who says he's into it—to top me "properly," i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?
You are the expert in how you like to be topped. And what turns you off. What exactly does the ooey gooey loveball shit actually look like? Can you tell him to cut it out before you play again? And tell him which stuff you like the most? And do you know what really turns him on in bed?

Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months.
In the next five months?
How do we break it to my wife's family? Half of them don't know I'm trans and will be carrying
I suppose you've thought about having her carry?
, and we don't want to lie, but also we don't want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.
Your wife's family could be told that y'all are adopting and you can make yourself scarce through the pregnancy?

"Hall passes" don't work for many women because they can't orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?
Where is it written on your hall pass—or anyone else's—that it can be used only once or only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that's where.

How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?
By bothering to find out how they feel about foursomes and how they feel about sleeping with friends before hitting on them any harder.

All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?
Tell everyone you might sleep with that you don't take it up the butt without a thorough tongue job first.

How do I avoid lesbian bed death?
Keep exploring each other in bed.

I'm in a FMF poly triad, and I'm looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I'd look online, but I'm a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?
Why don't you just date guys a bit until you find out if they are into poly or meeting your other lovers? Unless you are the M.. then I'd agree ask the F's to date bi guys and see if you click with any of them..

If you're married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?
Include. Or make it clear that it's a ONS and there will be no later.

Happy 2017
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Diagoras @89: Definitely. Generally, penises are gross unless they are attached to someone I really want to fuck. Then, sure, I want that penis in my mouth. But that's not the only factor in whether the giving of head is a joy or a job. The original discussion and comments are here: http://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2… and centred round whether a commitment to "two blowjobs a month" necessarily meant to completion.

CMD @91: I remember that Sean was quite traditionalist sexually (in that he was dominant), and quite clever, and did enjoy engaging in that sort of "banter" which really shouldn't be engaged in unless you know the people will recognise it as banter, which is not possible on a public forum.

I certainly never feel guilty for calling out sexist remarks, regardless of their professed intent.
95
Ms Grizelda - The acronyms are not Awards. Wield LMB whenever you feel the urge.

As for voting, my own qualms of conscience that prevented me from voting for Mrs C were the only reason I was able to have conversations with people who had similar qualms about Mr T. In the end, I perhaps assisted half a dozen people to follow their own consciences - two in battleground states. Those in rant mode may scream what they will, but I consider it a net gain.

There were two awards I never got around to using. I shall leave the Urquhart Award to Ms Fan, for those occasions when the best reply to something is, "You might very think so; I couldn't possibly comment." I leave Ms Cute the Bolter Award, named after one of her favourite fictional characters. Ms Cute is also designated as my residuary legatee, with full authority to assume control of anything not specifically left elsewhere.

Had any of those of the bi persuasion wanted Bicentric July, they could have had it. Not everything one throws at the wall sticks; I am content to let that one dissolve into nothingness. As for Homocentric August, of course I have to leave it to my Serial Complimenter (and to NO ONE ELSE), should he ever find his way here to claim it. I may rise from the grave during the month just to check and/or see if my form still holds.

I shall be particularly interested to see whether Mr Savage can succeed in reclaiming the Young from Mr Yiannopoulos. Of late, it has occurred to me that the optimal outcome is for the struggle to be perpetual. Call me Oceania?
96
Hunter @92: REEEOOWWWWR! Fft! Fft! I know I didn't chase Seandr and LateBloomer off---they left SL on their own for their own reasons. As for my alleged "cattiness":
I am hoping to acquire a pink Pussyhat and attend the Women's March at 10 am in Seattle on Saturday, January 21st, while hopefully catching a ride to and from the event with someone from where I live.
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@95 vennominon: Interesting that I would share the LMB with one of my favorite, most beloved actresses, Susan Sarandon (as Louise Sawyer in Thelma & Louise---see @82 dialogue). I thank you for bestowing upon me this humbling honor. And I just bought more red wine.
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@95 vennominon, Part II: Wait! What...? B-but---you just said you had awarded many other acronyms to other commenters--calling these prestigiously titled awards. How is the LMB different? Was this meant more as an insult rather than an honor?
@83 LavaGirl: Happy New Year! Did you and your family hit the beach?
@86 Emmaliz: Ha ha--I couldn't help myself----the entrance was perfect and too good to pass up.
I agree about continuing to keep the good things, animals, activities, and people in my life.
2017 Griz update: I am currently seeking higher educational assistance through the VA (VA Vocational Rehabilitation Education) through my local university where I earned my BA in Music.
What started as a brightly encouraging Tuesday dissipated after an appointment with the Music Ed Dept. director. I swear she was more optimistic about my going after a Master's degree and /or teaching certification last year. She did reiterate what she had told me in 2016---that I had 48 credits through student teaching, teacher's college courses, pedigogy, etc. But I guess she doesn't foresee the 52 year old Grizelda as a good fit as an educator. For every point I had to make about returning to become better qualified professionally, she had about two or three things to shoot me down (why hadn't I followed up---I wasn't about to tell her about sudden health issues last summer; why hadn't I looked into a Masters in Music History and Literature--each professor, Music History, Composition, Performance, and now, Music Education seems to want to shove me out the door---I now feel like actor Stephen Furst (as Delta pledge, Kent "Flounder" Dorfman in National Lampoon's Animal House, upon his futile attempt to mingle past the Omega "Losers" table with all the punch and cookies, where snooty Omega President, Greg Marmalarde, played by James Daughton, says, ushering Dorfman back to the rejects when Kent said they'd already met: "Ah! Super! Then you'll have lots to talk about, Huh? Yeah!"). My nest step might be entirely up to the VA; I am out trying to make myself as employable musically as possible, and thus far, performance and the occasional sales of my own composed music--however humble my earnings---are what are largely getting me by, at least in supplemental income. I have an orientation coming up through the VA VRE program 25 miles south of where I live. Hopefully the weather is nice and non-icy enough that my beloved VW can escort me southbound and we can go from there, making it an adventure and less of a crushing disappointment. Maybe if the orientation ends well he & I can celebrate by a drink and lunch at a nearby steakhouse--and a fill up and car floormat vacuuming enroute home for my VW.
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@90 Helenka (also a Canuck): Yes--my beloved VW is indeed, an original classic mid 70's SuperBeetle, once my amazing much loved and missed parents' car. So he is a very special automotive family member, indeed. Loving memories of Mom and Dad are with us wherever we go.
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@98: Arrgghh! I typo'd again, putting s's where x's should be. At least I hit 100.
Make that: "......my next step might be entirely up to the VA...."
Maybe it's just too cold out; maybe the atmosphere at the educational level is too chilly;
maybe it's just more comforting for me and my VW to stay back in our little nest.
101
And seriously, Hunter. If I did end up posting over the comments here in Dan the Man's SL column, Revolution Hall for this past week, I'm betting it's because a good majority of the regulars were out traveling and / or drinking----however heavily or not.
102
Awww, shit! Correction to @100: ".......end up posting over half the comments here in Dan the Man's SL column, Revolution Hall...."
And I haven't had any wine yet today. Sweet Jesus.
Maybe the Music Ed director took one look at me upon my openly admitting being on VA Disability and mistook me for a female Jack Torrance? Perish the thought!
103
I would hate to end up snowed in here at home..........REDRUM.
104
Okay--I'm shutting up now.
Moving on to January 3, 2017's Savage Love and Just Drinks.
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Venn @95: Is it fair for me to get two awards? I already got one for using British spellings, although I had an unfair geographical advantage on that one.