The way she describes it photography sounds more like a pretense to have access to these women than anything else. If he's not fucking them, he's trying.

I understand the struggles of new endeavor—you've got to make the most of what you've got access to—but soon he's going to have to start behaving like a professional because he's not just a red flag as a boyfriend, he's a red flag as a photographer.

I think, a certain amount of jealousy that your BF is frequently working around attractive, naked women is normal and natural and basically OK. That he slept with one of his models when you guys weren't broken up - i suppose it depends on the terms and severity of your break-up, although it doesn't seem you regard it as an ethical violation - isn't a hand-waiver, but I wouldn't inherently consider it a red flag either - judge as you would judge yourself during that period.

That he does wan't to photograph you the way he does his models - you should try to get to the bottom of that! Not wanting to work with personal people isn't totally unusual, but if you guys are into each other, you should be able to work into a place where you are *actually* comfortable with his reasoning or where he is comfortable indulging your fantasy; but in any case, it's an issue to resolve.

Lastly, I would not recommend opening your relationship. If you aren't comfortable with the idea of him being around receptive sex partners, imagine how you would feel if he were surrounded by actual sex partners.

Going out to dinner and hanging out late are not very professional behaviors, either for the photographer or the model.

She did not. Look:

https://youtu.be/uaObaj-gKRI?t=2m47s

I don't know why this is even controversial. In case you didn't get it the first time, Leo explains, wordlessly in the universal language, acting. ACTING.

"My boyfriend is a fine art photographer and has always vocalized his appreciation of beautiful women and the female body. "

He should be dumped simply for constantly undermining LWs self-confidence like that. Also, fucking your model is both highly unprofessional and quite predatory on top of that.

I'm in camp DTMFA

@1: "The way she describes it photography sounds more like a pretense to have access to these women than anything else. If he's not fucking them, he's trying"

Isn't that the general pretense behind non-profit "model photography"?

If a photographer actually wants to do fine art photography (of naked women), then having his GF there to help with lights and whatev would net MORE models (who aren't looking to bed a photographer). Women friends who wanted to JUST pose have brought me along when nude modeling to assure it was JUST paid modeling. If the GF was there, that wouldn't be as necessary.

So yeah, he's doing this to get into their pants.

Now snooping "is never okay, unless shown in retrospect to be okay", but in this case?

If PHOTOG puts a nanny-cam in the studio, there are two outcomes:

(1) he's NOT seducing models nor trying to, and she can relax and let him do his fine art photography with his incredible talent and eye for beauty, or

(2) he is seducing models or attempting to, and she can DTMFA.

Either way, she learned something that benefited her and if he's not a CPOS, something that benefits him because she'll relax about all that fine art photography of naked women that only happens when she's out of town.

P.S. It'll be (2).

This is for LW: About five or six years ago, I had a casual affair with a very handsome, intensely horny amateur photographer. He showed me several (rather fine) nude photographs of models he'd worked with, many of whom, he explained, he was still fucking. He had a life partner, too. They had an open relationship, he claimed: She was comfortable with his affairs, just didn't want them in her face. I asked to have a quick phone conversation or email exchange with her because (I told him) I wanted proof that he wasn't cheating. I can't remember each of his smooth excuses, but after listening to two or three of them, I ended it. He told me if I couldn't accept his word, that was my problem. My loss, he said.

This is a true story. I rarely comment here, but when I read your letter, I wondered, for a split second, if you're the partner of the guy who fucked me all those years ago. (I know you're not.) Admittedly, I had no evidence when I went ahead and ditched the guy. Just a creepy feeling, much like the feeling Dan had--and I have--reading your letter.

DTMFA. Even if he only cheated that one time when you were broken up, you sound too starstruck by him for this relationship to be healthy for you. Good luck to you.

My husband is a photographer and this never happens. By the way, where's the assistant? Someone needs to be working all the technical aspects of the shoot. Also, with the vulerable nature of the shoot, it would make sense to have a female tech there for ethical reasons. He's not as fabulous as he thinks he is and is using his photography to get laid.Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Boyfriend doesn't sound like he respects the LW anyway. He hangs out with models in their apartment while she's gone? If he's not open to a radical and immediate attitude/behavior adjustment, then even if he isn't cheating he's a selfish jerk.

Dan's Titanic rant made me think of this: https://pics.onsizzle.com/obama-dont-dis…

But what is chartreuse butter??

Pot butter.

Yeah, he's fucking them or desperately trying to add that 'accomplishment' to his resume. Hanging out and going out to dinner with the women clients (I'm guessing he ain't doing this with the men) is not the sign of a professional photographer, especially if these activities are dependent on if the LW is around.

I understand the impulse to support a partner's creative endeavors, but he sounds like a skeeve intent on passing himself off as a pro, to both you and his clients, when he's really just getting off to access to naked women in private. I hope LW considers she has been naive and does DTMFA.

Is this letter for real. " .. joy it brings him.." yeah. bet he's getting a lot of joy.
LW, this man is playing you and all these other women. It's a con by a very self centred man, and you need to leave him.

As a modestly accomplished fetish photographer, I can echo everyone else's sentiment here. On the matter of cliches, the amateur photographer that wants in the model's pants is at the top of the list. Using the camera as an in to model pants definitely crosses ethical/creepy lines. In photographer circles, we call them GWCs (guy/girl with camera).

I know lots of photographers who take pictures of women (and men) in compromised positions. Somehow, they all manage to act like professionals and not hit on their models. I've also met more than my fair share of GWCs.

I have later become lovers with women I have photographed but that was because we became friends/lovers well outside of the photo shoot. Mostly, though, I find it is way better to turn your lovers into models rather than turn models into conquests.

My sense is that he isn't a professional photographer, and that these models are women who he is working to seduce long before their clothes come off. So what is and what is not professional behavior between professional photographers and models isn't really the issue.

I think PHOTOS made clear to her boyfriend her concerns about his relationships with these women, and he gave an evasive response. Also his rationale for declining to take nudes of his own girlfriend is just not credible. If he is truly attracted to her, she would be the first person of whom he would want to take photos.

PHOTOS' boyfriend like to have a girlfriend and the means to have sex with new women whenever he can seduce a new model, but he doesn't want his girlfriend to have the same freedom to have sex with other men.

PHOTO should DTMFA because her boyfriend isn't into her, isn't being honest, and opening up this relationship at this point isn't likely to make for a good relationship.

I haven't much more to add to Dan's and the commenters' advice but I just want to emphasize DTMF AND RUN!

Best answer ever!

The beauty in this question and answer is that all the ifs add up to the same thing.

Let's say you had that snooping nanny-cam that David mentions @7. Let's say it provided proof positive that Boyfriend is cheating. Dump him.

Now let's say, for the sake of argument, that the cam showed proof that he WASN'T cheating. (Impossible to prove negatives, but this is hypothetical.) He's still saying "never say never" when PHOTOG brings up her legitimate concerns. Constantly having to reassure a jealous bitch isn't something a boyfriend should have to do, but this guy wasn't willing to give reassurance once. He basically told her "I might or might not be cheating, and even if I'm not, I reserve the right to in the future." Dump him for being that sort of asshole.

Let's say he hadn't given that asshole answer. PHOTOG is still miserable in this relationship thinking about the young naked lovelies he spends all day hobbying with. Dump him because you're anxious about his constant temptation. Dump him because he's fiercely sexual and regularly talks about it.

Let's say he makes a push for an open relationship so he can sleep with whomever he wants-- AND SHE CAN TOO. PHOTOG hasn't said that she wants to sleep with other men. It sounds like she wants monogamy. Dump him because she's not getting what she wants.

Yes, but ... what I'm getting from the letter is an undertone of being turned on by the idea this guy is doing what we all assume he is doing. Anybody else think she's a cuckquean, who may or may not know her own status therein?

And how do we know this is a woman writing? Nothing in the letter specifically says so.

@21, true, strictly speaking the LW doesn't identify as male or female. But if the LW was male, in a gay relationship with the BF photographer who only has women pose for him? Then the LW would be wringing his hands more about the BF being not just bi but apparently more straight than bi.

[he] has always vocalized his appreciation of beautiful women and the female body. [...] he doesn't photograph me like he does models.

I think we can safely assume here that the LW is a woman.

On top of all other suspicious technicalities mentioned earlier I’d add that the nature of the shoots seems a bit dubious itself.
Invited by women to their places all alone for nude photography, possibly without even meeting him first, sounds like they may have replied to one of those ads promising quick cash from home.
LW may only get to see the artsy projects.

Wait, so she should discuss opening up their relationship because dude is a CPOS? Um, fuck that. The real problem here is that he's (very likely) a complete douche. Getting permission to fuck the other women he's already probably fucking without permission is not going to make him less of a douche.

It may be too difficult for the LW to dump her boyfriend immediately. I'd recommend she have a conversation with him.

The starting-point should (or could) be his admission he slept with a model during their temporary split. She should make clear she's not going to lose it, isn't asking in a spirit of wanting to pass judgement, is looking primarily for information. Has he had sex with any of the models while he's been with her? OK, he could lie (if he's been having sex behind her back); he could dishonestly assure her he's been faithful. But both the graceless 'never say never' remark and the revelation about the 'one-off' sex suggest to me he's striving towards a greater degree of straightforwardness in his relations with her. What if she says she wants to get everything out in the open, so they can see where they stand? What if she even says she's considering an open relationship, whether she thinks she might be open to it or not? I think these overtures would be broadly helpful, in revealing more to her of what her boyfriend is like and wants.

Ultimately I think she can do better than this guy, but this isn't how she sees their relative worth right now.

Strangely, none of the Andreas Gurskys of the world, its leading 'fine art' photographers, do soft porn.

@21. Pomo. I did think maybe she was getting off on some parts of this story, just not consciously.

He knows she's insecure about his (allegedly "professional") relationships with these woman and he responds by inflaming her insecurities by talking about this constantly and refusing to reassure her or give her any touchstones of security. No "if you want you can come on a shoot as a chaperone to see how awkward and unsexy it can be," no "I'm not interested in these women sexually," not even "I won't cheat."

There's an argument that could be made here about how he's emotionally abusive and enjoys seeing her squirm and writhe for primacy in his sexual life. He's keeping her "in suspense" about whether or not he's cheating and I think he likes the fawning attention that comes from an insecure person who's trying to prove she's good enough. I don't doubt he's dismissing her legitimate concerns as if she's crazy for having them, in order to stoke the fires of her insecurities. Literally everything else says he doesn't give a fuck about her feelings; photo shoots that only happen at his house when she's out of town and that involve dinner and staying up late? Come the fuck on.

My bet is he likes having a fawning insecure girlfriend and fucking all the hotties on the side. He's a womanizer who enjoys having women who he has power over shower him in adulation. Judging by her letter, he's got her trained up already.

Echo everyone else's comments:

Real photographers don't hang out with the talent outside of the shoot.

Oof. Avoid anyone who "regularly talks about" being a "fiercely sexual being." Douchetastic.

Slomopomo @21: "how do we know this is a woman writing? Nothing in the letter specifically says so."

The sign-off: Points His Object Towards OTHER Girls.

Agreed, Boyfriend is a sleazebag whose chat-up line is "I'm a photographer, may I take photos of you?" Even if the sad line doesn't work, he's saving thousands on porn by making his own. Tor @3 is right, he's neither a good partner nor a professional photographer. DTMFA.

Honey, he is definitely cheating, or at least trying his darndest to. He's even being pretty up-front about it - "never say never?" So either accept that he's gonna sleep around, or decide that you want a monogamous partner and dump him.

@ 32 - Who still pays for porn?

LW - See this guy for the cheesey cliche that he is and move on. Or just set terms that would make you feel comfortable with the photography - strictly professional, no hanging out etc, and watch him refuse and end the relationship for you. Because playing the role of the sleazy photographer who gets to fuck hot chicks is a lot more important to him than your relationship.

I had a bf once whose thought on cheating was 'it happens.' Boy did I feel dumb when it came out that he was cheating heinously on me for most of the relationship. DTMFA. Dan is right, he is cheating on you. Either DTMFA or have an honest open relationship. Also, it's really going to suck when you find out he's been fucking them in your bed.

Dan, I'm going to have to disagree with at least part of this.

One of my hobbies is nude photography; I'm a middle aged man, and I've been doing this since before I lost my virginity. Do you know how I'm able to talk so many women out of their clothes and in front of my camera? I DON'T TRY TO FUCK THEM. I have a reputation.

Now, in honesty, yes, I have slept with a few of my models. But I didn't use the photography to get there, I've never had sex with a model (for the first time-- this doesn't count if I was ALREADY fucking them) on the same day as the shoot, and I've never cheated on a woman with a model.

I know several other nude photographers with similar reputations. Of course, I know a few who have the opposite reputation. But automatically assuming nude photographer == cheating bastard is beneath you, Dan.

That being said--- these two need to break the fuck up. She's insecure, and he's not helping. I've managed several relationships-- including with some women who were neurotically jealous-- and kept the nude photography being the issue. It's one of those things you have to work at, and it doesn't sound like this guy is doing it. It's also completely possible that no matter what she says, there's NOTHING this guy can do to relieve her anxiety, in which case the answer is exactly the same.

Five @37: Dan is not "automatically assuming that nude photographer = cheating bastard."

Dan is assuming that a man who "has always vocalized his appreciation of beautiful women and the female body," photographs his subjects one-on-one, "is more likely to go out for dinner with a model and/or stay up late hanging out with them in our apartment," refuses to photograph LW, already admits to having slept with one model while they were broken up, "is a fiercely sexual being and regularly talks about it," and whose attitude to cheating is "never say never" = cheating bastard. YOU don't try to fuck your models. This guy is so obviously not you.

LW, you can find a boyfriend who is a better fit.

This was hilarious. Dan should write while eating butter more often.

@7 David Re: snooping (nanny cams, etc)
The problem with snooping is that the only conclusive outcome is proof that the partner is cheating. Once you find that, then you know for sure and can proceed however you see fit. However, most of the time you will only find a lack of evidence either way. There is no conclusive proof that a partner is not cheating. You can only uncover sessions in which the partner doesn't cheat that time or texts in which the partner doesn't reveal the cheating that time, etc. This doesn't mean there are other situations in which he does cheat, only that snooping to discover a situation in which he doesn't cheat will not set your mind at ease. You will have to keep snooping until you are satisfied that he never cheats in any situation or until you uncover evidence that he did cheat. This is why, aside from the ethical concerns, snooping out of jealousy is unhealthy and unskillful.

@26 Sea Otter
I think the point is that, in reality, there is no way for her to know for sure whether or not he is fucking these women, just a big suspicion. So her choices, in reality, are: A) make peace with the fact that she will never know for sure, B) open the relationship up so that she will know for sure, C) dump the guy because he's being disrespectful. Dan's advice is overwhelming pointed towards C, but he does offer B as a consideration- not to accommodate the guy's "complete douche" behavior, but rather to offer the LW a few different perspectives. She is already doing A. Since it's the LW writing and since the bf offers nothing more than "never say never", then it would be pointless to respond with advice about how the bf should change his behavior to become less of a douche. She's already in a relationship with a douche. The only options she has are dtmfa or open up. We don't know the details- maybe he's only a douche in this regard and she wants to stay with him anyway. If so, best to be honest about what they are doing.

I agree with the other commenters here on two key points:

1) His behavior as photographer is deeply unethical and unprofessional. He's bringing women *to his apartment,* and *alone." That's a highly vulnerable position he's putting this women in, and worse, the kind of woman who'd consent to this is likely naïve and therefore even more vulnerable. Even if he never tried to fuck these women, I think LW should break up with dude for this reason alone.

2) However, yeah, LW: he's cheating on you. And don't go for some consolation prize like an open relationship. Open relationships are for people who can make and keep agreements. Your BF cannot.

Also, did no one miss the implication that LW is financially supporting her boyfriend so he can fuck models in their home?

I disagree with everyone who says his conduct is unprofessional.

This guy is not a professional photographer. What he is is a seducer (at least semi-professional) who uses a camera as a prop to help him get in women's pants. In his chosen profession, I guess his conduct is pretty professional. in his pretend profession as a photographer, not so muck.

BTW, I loved the humor in Dan's response. The advice was obvious from at least the point where she said " While I am out of town, he is more likely to go out for dinner with a model and/or stay up late hanging out with them in our apartment." DTMFA was the only possible advice, but Dan kept it interesting. Bravo.

DCP123 @42: "This guy is not a professional photographer."
Then by definition he is unprofessional.

I think DCP123 was making the funny case that the guy is actually a professional Casanova. If he's fucking models while getting his GF to support him in his photography hobby, then he's pretty successful as well. lol

@44: He used confusing terminology, then. The guy is not paying the rent with casual sex, he is not making money (certainly considering the photographer Gear Acquisition Syndrome) and it is not by any definition profession.

I got the point, and I agree otherwise that he's succeeding in his goals, but he isn't a professional just because he succeeds at getting aspiring models off ModelMayhem or Craigslist to have sex with him.

@45 Right, but my point was that DCP123 was making a joke.

Uh, I would like to clarify that not all artists who work with nudes are using those nudes as a bunch of side chicks. #NotAllArtists