OkCupid has a setting that hides your profile from straight people. You'll still get the occasional bi guy, dude pretending to be a girl, and couple on a women's profile, but it dramatically reduces the unwelcome onslaught. And you can avoid the dudes pretending by just assuming anyone really interested in more of your pictures is a dude.

Settings, privacy, "I don't want to be seen by straight people". You may have to be using a web browser (not the app) to see that option.

Still with the jokes, Dan Savage. Good to see.
And perfecto answer.

Congratulations LW! And take good care of yourself.

Autostraddle is a queer women's blog with a very active commenting community. They cover arts, pop culture and politics - and I think they have a lot of coming out related articles in their archives. It sometimes skews younger than I am (47) but I always find something I'm interested in every week.

ALONE, two other things about getting involved in an online community. First, you might get a sense about where you might like to move in four years, which could be very useful information. Second, you might make some long-distance friends. One of those friends might eventually be willing to visit your small town now and again, or you might be able to use your vacation time to visit a new friend yourself.

One things about dating apps, no matter your gender or sexual orientation, dating app require work. For many women, that means the time spent reading through hundreds of messages. For other people, that means hours spent reading through dozens of profiles, and writing many messages. It sounds like you created a profile and hoped that someone would find you, but you need to focus on spending time actively searching for women in a wide area around where you live. That can be a lot of work, but that is just how it goes, and if you're on OkCupid, you should be able to filter out messages from men.

Coming out is often stressful and living in a small, isolated place is likely to increase the challenges.
I don’t know if that helps, but at least in my case it got easier over time. I also went through therapy and 12-steps that helped me figure out things, build my confidence, and meet great people along the way.

Dan is right to point to possible bullying your child might be exposed to. It may be useful to have a talk of some sort with her, whatever is suitable for her age at this point. Can you also talk to her teacher/s about all this?
And if things get too nasty for the child you may want to consider moving away before the four year goal you set for yourself.

In a big city, everything is sliced much thinner and PFLAG is what the acronym suggests: Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. But in a small town, we were advised by national PFLAG and found out for ourselves that it becomes a catch-all for parents, friends, political allies, gays and lesbians themselves, the only Jew in town, etc. So maybe the nearest PFLAG chapter, even if it's a few towns over, might have a local lesbian or two in attendance. More likely but equally important, it will have people who will listen respectfully to your plight (for free!), might have sympathetic kids in attendance your child could meet (ask first, but my son took his first steps at a PFLAG meeting), and those people will have ideas for making more connections. Probably not as specific as "Jane Jones is a lesbian and currently single", but "there's a Unitarian fellowship of liberal folks who meet at the library every Sunday" or "Dr. Smith is a progressive and supportive practitioner" or "we're chartering a bus to Chicago for the Women's March, would you like to come along?"

ALONE, if you're out there: How old is your daughter? How close are you to a college town or medium-or-larger city with a significant LGBT community, and how often could you manage to visit there — even for just a day trip? And what are the circumstances that are keeping you where you are for the next 4+ years?

There is a magazine (a print magazine, which you can get mailed to you) called Lesbian Connection, which lists Contact Dykes around the country, specifically to help out lesbians who feel isolated or who are passing through an area. The idea is community, rather than hook-ups, and it's been around for decades. ALONE could check that out.

Why is it so sacred that you can't uproot your kid? You signed on to be her parent, not her martyr.

Good post Dan, solid advice!

Seconding the online dating advice of Biggie @1 and Sublime @4. Hide your profile from straight people. I did, and I've had only one inappropriate message since. And yes, you do the hunting, don't wait for women to come to you. This is the only way to avoid lesbian sheep syndrome. Take that sheep by the horns! Or, you know.

Gato @10: Having been uprooted as a child several times, ALONE is right to wait four years. On behalf of teenagers everywhere, ALONE: Thank you.

One other bit of (obviously biased) advice I'd give ALONE: Don't rule out bisexual women. Research indicates there are more bi women than gay ones, and not all of us are (or would prefer to be) in relationships with men. Give us a chance. And good luck.

Hmm. I clicked on Dan's link to HER, and the first comment I read was

"Evelyn Pâmela Good thing I learned not to... the lesbian one will always get hurt dating straight or bi... Specifically if her dream is to be a mother and the easiest way is by leaving you to be with a man living a "normal" life 😒"

So much for it being for "LGBTQ Women" :(

BDF @12: We don't know if she's a teen, though; LW's citing a need to wait "at least four years" implies the deadline isn't the daughter's high school graduation.

Whatever her age, if she's about to be ostracized because her mother has come out, relocating might not be such a bad thing.

Regarding that "Little Britain" sketch, I've always wondered: Is the village Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch? If so, is Daffyd's rival The Boy From Tacarembo la Tumbe del Fuego Santa Malipas Zacatecas la Junta del Sol y Cruz?

Gato and Fred

She said she can't move because of her job and that it's important to keep her job because of her daughter. Seriously, this is reality for the vast majority of people with family obligations. I don't know why it's so hard to understand. Jobs offer financial security and benefits. Not everyone has the sort of job that you can easily replace in another city, and even if you could, people often invest in jobs (paid into benefits that increase the longer you stay, worked your way up to a position that pays, etc). If someone says they can't afford to move because of their job, believe them. And it's not being a martyr to stay a few years in a situation that is not ideal if it is very beneficial to the child- it's being a good parent. If the child is doing well in her situation, if they have support somehow in this situation (a lot of childcare and child support require restrictions on where you can live), if the kid is active in some school event that is likely to help her build her future, then it's not martyrdom for mom to stay somewhere that she describes as safe and where she has a job that supports her family just because she is lonely and going through personal trauma. The isolation is a problem. Uprooting everything and moving could switch that one problem for a dozen more. Since it's only four years, I think Dan's advice is excellent.

The only thing I'd add is that, if she hasn't tried already, she could seek out platonic friends who are gay or straight but who are supportive. Jumping straight into dating might be harder than finding social support. Even if there aren't other lesbians in her town or nearby city, I bet there is a small group of people (parents even) who are social and good allies, and if she were to expand her social network it might help her to feel less lonely and less isolated during these four years. Also meeting people leads to meeting people, and maybe she'd end up meeting someone she could date through them as well. And is there a city nearby? How far of a drive is it? I assume she's going to a city to meet this therapist. Is there anyway to date women in that city?Are there lesbians in the city who might enjoy the occasional weekend out in the country? And it might do her some good to have the occasional night out in the town.

Fred @14: To me, "at least four years" implied that the daughter may or may not choose to go to university at eighteen -- or perhaps that she's not the best student, and it might take her more than four years to finish high school. What if she gets mono? What if she gets pregnant (more likely with Trump in charge)? Good on this non-tiger mom for recognising life does not always go according to expectations.

Also, the idea that the kids at Daughter's school would bully her so badly for having a lesbian mom that they would have to flee their home is immensely disturbing. Kids these days, even small-town kids, are far more open-minded than many give them credit for. ALONE does not state that Daughter is being bullied -- it was Dan who suggested that possibility. Give the kids a chance to ostracize the jerk who says "Ha ha, your mom's a dyke" rather than ALONE's daughter, jeez.

We have no idea why ALONE is unable to relocate for at least four years, but one possibility is that she shares joint custody of her daughter with her daughter's father, and is not permitted to move her daughter out-of-state. Perhaps her daughter is 12, and ALONE has received advice that at age 16 or 17 her daughter could petition in state court for the right to choose to live exclusively with her mother, at which time ALONE would have the right to move her daughter out-of-state.

Fair point, Sublime. But isn't 12 close enough to "teenaged" that this makes it a hair that didn't need to be split?

I identify as a queer woman (some label me as bi), living in a small, conservative town. The few people who I've come out to are always surprised, telling me I look straight. I've found some open-minded friends, but no "community" so I identify with the feelings of isolation. My comment is mainly to let ALONE know that she has silent allies who are just as in-the-closet as she was a few months ago. It's hard to be different, but if she has patience she'll find a network. It just takes time.

BDF @ 18
“Kids these days, even small-town kids, are far more open-minded than many give them credit for.”
And yet some parents may tell their kids that ALONE is going to hell, and some of those kids will terrifyingly repeat those lines in school.
The bullying is real, and I suspect that since Dan mentioned it this could be something his family experienced even in Seattle, out of all places.
As painful and unexpected as it might be it should be a factor in ALONE’s future plans.

Interesting timing for disclosing, LW. Brave of you.
Keep an eye your child isn't being bullied and if this happens at school, complain complain.
Get involved with online groups. Women are mobilising all over the US now, politics is the new normal.
Keep your head up and your back straight, smile, and look people in the eye.
Be strong, good luck.

Complain if outside of school too, LW. Front the parents. And watch over fb, a lot of shit goes down there.
And talk with your daughter, help her see, as appropriate to her age, that these life battles so many women have are real. And facing them together, the both of you, will keep you both safer.
Trust there are some good people around you. And relax.

Coming from a tiny tiny town I would also like to suggest that you join every club and every community service you possibly can. Let everyone know that you're single and gay. Every open-minded and loving woman will go out of their way to fix you up with every lesbian family member, friend and acquaintance.
It's just what women in small towns do! They can't stand to see a human being be single and they love to get their nose in everyone's business. They seriously take matchmaking to a whole new level!

@15 It's Llanddewi Brefi and I live about 15 miles away, being English and having recently moved to Wales. I don't know how many gays there are in the village, but there's a thriving queer/kink scene in tiny nearby Saron!

CMD: Bullying happens. It happened to me; it's probably happened to more people I know than it hasn't. Our parents didn't take us all out of school because someone said mean things to us. I know that bullying is awful, but come on -- it doesn't justify quitting your job, possibly throwing a spanner into your career and retirement plan, or moving to a new school where "the new kid" is even MORE likely to be bullied, and without their friends to back them up. Fleeing in fear should not be the first response to bullying! I'm not saying "the entire school turns on this poor kid and ruins her life" isn't a possibility; I just think it's a slim one. Far more likely would be some low-level teasing; moving away would be using a sledgehammer to kill a fly. If bullying happens, talk to the teachers and principal and the other parents, whom Ms Small-Town probably knows. Sure, these parents may be assholes. But I'm hoping, small town or no, the decent people outnumber the assholes and it's the homophobes who will end up shunned.

If not, if she really is living in homophobic hell, then sure. But ALONE does not state this. She's oddly silent about the level of acceptance she's received. I guess I'm thinking that if she met with abuse, she'd have said so? Maybe I'm picturing Cindyluwho @25's tiny tiny town and thinking that it'll probably be mostly okay.

Dear BDF
Maybe I sounded a bit too dramatic. I still think Dan did the right thing to suggest taking the child’s feelings into consideration, especially in the light of none of it mentioned by LW.
I sure hope all is well, but the parent should also be ready for other outcomes that may require additional adjustments.

Aside from dating, she should try to connect to online support communities, and make trips to the nearest bigger town/city with LGB....community as often as she can. I'm guessing there's at least 1 or 2 online groups for rural/small town lesbians.

ALONE, it sounds like you're more hurting for community right now than for romance or sex? The good thing is, the numbers game is better for community than for dating. Unless your town is really small and really conservative, there are some people who click as at least friendly acquaintances, and who are lesbian or relate enough for whichever degree of "getting you" you need. You 'just' have to find them.

Approach it as a two-degrees-of-separation thing. Who can you meet who might know somebody else you could meet? In a small town that's about the max separation there is. So try out the Unitarian church if there is one, the folk singing group, whatever -- anything that isn't really relevant but might connect you in the right direction, and where it's safe for you to open up a little about yourself. (If you're in a town where you can't find a group that's safe for that, jeez, I'd have to think real hard about moving.)

Most decent friendly non-bigots will be happy to help you "just passing through" their group looking for a closer fit, and will ask you later how it's going. And this may be reading too much between the lines, but it sounds like even some non-queer community is something you could do with more of.

Okay, a Unitarian church may be a eye-rollable idea in your town. But if it's a churchgoing town, try this trick: meet people at whatever is the least bad church in town, even if it's actually still bad.

People you're looking for, who are more liberal than this least-bad church, will have ended up there. Because what else are they going to do, if they need to be seen going to church, or as a compromise with family, or if church is literally the only social anything.

>"Okay, a Unitarian church may be a eye-rollable idea in your town. "

Our small, lay-led UU fellowship in our small, rural, very red Alaskan town had many liberal professionals, some young adults, multiple sympathetic parents of lesbians and gays and one actual lesbian in her 20s. It had been founded by a middle-aged lesbian working at one of our local non-profits.

UU is about as liberal, progressive and un-Jesus-y as it gets ("When is Jesus mentioned in a Unitarian church? When the janitor falls down the stairs."), but if there's not one around, then UCC congregations likewise attract those who seek a message of loving inclusion without any fire and brimstone.