LW shorter:

"My wife's brother didn't read my mind. Waaaaah! Why didn't he intuit that the entire 4 month summer is MINE, ALL MINE?!"

"My girlfriend and I got married this past December (after 24 years together) in a panic after Trump won. [...] "In the interest of saving money and getting it done quickly, we eloped with the plan to have a big proper reception/party with everyone the next time we both traveled back home"

LW, "your" day, if you can consider that you were entitled to one, was the day you got married. You chose not to make a big thing of it. No matter how valid your reasons for making that decision, you're still the ones who made it.

Besides, after 24 years, your love probably has been recognized plenty by everyone concerned by now. You're the ones who treated your wedding as a mere formality (again: no matter how valid your reasons...). Don't blame your family if they didn't treat it differently.

Yeah, just have two parties.

My friend suggested throwing two parties, but that seems excessive and ridiculous.

Weddings by themselves are the definition of excessive and ridiculous. Have two parties. No one will care.

A few things belie the LW:

1 - LW dismissed out of hand the ultra, extremely, super reasonable idea of having two parties.

2 - as LW isn't able/willing to travel more than once a year, it doesn't matter what date the BIL and future SIL choose for their wedding, conflict was mandatory - either they'd come back the same weekend for their wedding celebration and the brothers wedding, or they wouldn't attend BIL's wedding at all.

Lastly, generally speaking, when a couple's been together 24 years* [I'm aware they couldn't get legally married for a majority of that time] without getting married, the couple that just got engaged, say, in 2015 gets right-of-way. LW eloped for convenience sake, i'd bet her family might be a little incredulous about demanding things on their schedule this time around.

People: you are MARRIED. This is just a PARTY to celebrate. I entertain so I see a lot of weddings and I see that the ceremony is getting shorter and shorter--lets just hurry through the I do's to get to the IMPORTANT part. People are getting so stupid about weddings, no wonder that 50% end in divorce. (and BTW: no matter how long you are together, being MARRIED changes things. So, all people, stop investing in big, stupid, overly extravagant parties and get on with your LIFE.)

Great advice. "We did this thing that millions and millions of people across thousands of cultures have been doing for millennia. Would the right and proper thing be for our participation in this institution be acknowledged as unique and special?" People's need to feel like special one of a kind snowflakes is so tedious.

Great answer Dan. Really LW, relax.
Shake off all that resentment and find a way to work with this. And have fun.
Congratulations on your marriage.

"now we're going to have to share the spotlight with them. I can't help being more than a little resentful of this. It's supposed to be our big day, right? I don't want to ruin their big day, but I feel like our thunder is being stolen. My friend suggested throwing two parties, but that seems excessive and ridiculous."

I cannot at all imagine this mindset, especially from someone who eloped. I would've thought that they would be more relaxed and flexible due to the pressure being off? Are they worried they'll get less gifts from the family? Yeesh.

"I've always known homos could be just as awful as breeders about, well, absolutely everything. But I kindasorta hoped we'd be better about wedding awfulness"

It'd probably make for some fun Bridezilla/Bridalplasty garbage shows on LogoTV, though.

@5: YES. I only had mine to get family over to this side of the country, also to shower good food and booze on the people we love. Technically it was about us but no "big day" garbage. It was a big day in the context of others.

I wonder if every person that obsesses about their wedding so also stated that prom was going to be the "most important day of their lives".

"We can't afford to go back east more than once a year, so we want to go home to attend their wedding, but now we're going to have to share the spotlight with them." So what was your brother-in-law and his fiancee supposed to do, wait till 2018 to get married? On its face that is an unreasonable demand.

As an aside, it sounds like Dan is now hooked on Shakespeare. Do we forewarn him about the ending of Othello?

My brother and his husband were going to wait to marry in June, their 40th anniversary, but Trump, so quick trip to the courthouse this week.

Maybe a party in June, who knows?

But rather safe than sorry.

Slightly better idea-- Travel to the eastcoast wedding, and make it all about that couple. Don't muscle in; don't make it about you at all. If someone asks, you can tell the truth that you eloped and are hoping to throw a reception in the future, but that should be the only attention you and your wife grab. Then later, when the weather is most perfect in Colorado, some time in the summer, throw that wedding reception in the place where you live. So much easier on the planning and catering that way. Besides, a wedding is, at least symbolically, about welcoming people into your lives and home. That home is in Colorado. Let the guests spend the money to come visit you. And you won't need to schlep home wedding gifts. Lots of advantages to doing this in your home state.

"with the plan to have a big proper reception" No credit unless you sent the invites. If they sent the invites first, it's "their day". Likewise if they sent their "hold the date" email before you sent yours. All the other days of the summer - those can be yours. Or you can ask them if they mind if you do your reception on a different day that same weekend.

"big proper reception/party. . . We can't afford to go back east more than once a year"

That doesn't add up. I just checked DEN to ATL, EWR, BOS, and MCO for June 2017, and the RT fares are $250 to $375. Versus a "big proper reception"?!? 100 people? 150? With the venue, caterer, drinks, entertainment at $80 to $200 per person? The only way you can afford a reception but not a weekend trip to your brother's wedding is if the reception is for 30 people at Chuck E. Cheese while the airfare is First Class the other way around (over Asia and Europe).

The whole compliant boils down to "we're going to have to share the spotlight with them" even if the events are 2 months apart. So Dan's response nails it.

Oh, and if you got married in December, she's your wife already, so why call her your girlfriend?

Once more, there is no immenent threat to marriage equality. The five justices who ruled in the majority in Obergefell v. Hodges are all still on the Supreme Court, and Trump cannot invalidate that holding. So don't let that fear drive your decision to get married.

In looking back, what really mattered was the vows with my husband, over looking Lake Tahoe. My sister elected to blow the whole thing off. I remember being somewhat out of joint over it but now, just dust on the breeze. The important people were there: he and I. And it was such a beautiful beautiful day.

Call your sister in law. Have a little party too. Don't swear it. The important one was there, for you.

Dear Dan, I got married and we told everybody and they were all very happy for us. I also had a secret plan to do a big thing at an unspecified future date. I assumed everybody else would put their own lives on hold just in case I was going to get married again 6-9 months after I got married. My brother is living his own life and he didn't even think about my budget. I don't have a question in this letter. Oh wait I do: it's supposed to be our big day, right?

@2 Ricardo. My take would be that the LW and her gf always planned to marry, and always had it as the idea that their families would come together to celebrate them, their lasting partnership and their equal right to have this formalised in marriage.

But they were harried into the date by Trump--by the fear that equal marriage in Colorado would get taken away, thanks to Trump, but really thanks to the Pres. exploiting the institutional homophobia we all know exists. The state stay on same-sex marriage in Colorado was lifted in July 2014. This was roughly when the couple thought they would tie the knot--certainly soon enough for them to have decided, but not thought through the logistics. So it's plausible to me that the LW genuinely feels 'trumped'--God knows, we all do--and maybe feels her brother-in-law's impending nuptials have preempted her, and compounded some underlying feelings of being pervasively made a minority of or disregarded.

I don't think we can blame any fearful LGQBT person for not knowing the split of the Supreme Court or how relations stand between states and the federal government in legal matters.

The advice is the right one. It's even more right practically, in that many of the guests will be able to go to both gatherings. Her wedding celebration will draw for the wedding-wedding, and vice versa. There's potentially a gain for both couples.

Dan, Malvolio was a puritan (and would likely have voted for tRump), he deserves his unlaid status. The other option besides a fairy-dust addled Demetrius would be his nightly rape of Helena through a forced marriage. Everyone comes out happy in spite of the intervention of magic. And Kate? You should watch the Elizabeth Taylor version. She doesn't look like she's going to be abused or unhappy.

@ 17 - "My take would be that the LW and her gf always planned to marry, and always had it as the idea that their families would come together to celebrate them, their lasting partnership and their equal right to have this formalised in marriage"

Even if that were the case, it's of no consequence whatsoever. The way they ended up doing it is the only thing that really matters.

"The state stay on same-sex marriage in Colorado was lifted in July 2014"

And after so many years of wanting to get married, as you surmise, it took them two and a half years to rush their marriage coz they hadn't worked out the logistics yet? I don't think so.

@13: "No credit unless you sent the invites. If they sent the invites first, it's "their day"

Ooh, also a good point. I wonder how many of the plans were actually... planned and how many were "we'll just throw something together at the last minute" and we have a date range in mind but not-even-verbal save the dates...

@ 19. Ricardo. You're tougher on the LW than I would be. In effect, you're saying 'tough' when the complaint is that you have to be more on top of things,or that you're watching your back that bit more, when you're gay.

So during this 24-year relationship, the LW at first thought that marriage was heternormative and wanted to steer well clear--when there wasn't the option, or when claiming it was--perhaps--in her mind the preserve of a certain type of activist. Then maybe one of the partners wanted it more than the other. Gradually with the passage of time, marriage came to seem an attractive, formalising prospect; and the LW came round. But she was worried about money and hadn't got down to thinking about the details. Then Trump blows in, on a platform of states' rights, certainly in abortion; and she gets flustered and finds she genuinely wants something she thought she only sort-of wanted. And then her wife's heterosexual brother names the day, no doubt with a relationship that's much less weathered than hers, and usurps her title to the families' attention.

I feel I have in principle to defend gays' right to pay as little attention, to be as silly and changeable, as anyone else. 'You have to think more in this country as a gay / as a person of color / as a woman in the corporate workplace'. It's true, but it isn't just in the scorched-earth sense. Like with women's 'emotional labor'. It's true that more of the effort of worrying whether everyone's happy, everyone's being listened to, falls to women, than men; and though this is a lesser form of partiality than e.g. hiring decisions, it is unfair and should be called out as such.

Taking umbrage at the B-I-L's audacity of actually wanting to get married (with party, 'cuz let's not forget what the most important factor is) when your marriage has yet to be celebrated with all the hoopla is pointless. Let the B-I-L get married in peace. Remember that there's also another person involved - his future wife - who probably had as much of a say or more regarding setting the date.

Attend the festivities and wish the happy couple all the best. Then - while you're still in town - issue a personal invitation to both your immediate families and closest friends - to attend the renewal of vows if not on your first married anniversary (which may be too close to Christmas or bad flying weather) then on an alternate date (perhaps the Labour Day weekend) that will represent your 25th anniversary together, even if it's not the exact date.

You might graciously ask your B-I-L and wife to introduce you and your wife at some point during the party to acknowledge your recent marriage and long-lasting happiness (with a toast?). But under no condition should you try to turn their party into a pizza of which you demand half. Be happy, instead, that your relationship has lasted much longer than most straight marriages have. You've already won those bragging rights.

Taking umbrage at the B-I-L's audacity of actually wanting to get married (with party, 'cuz let's not forget what the most important factor is) when your marriage has yet to be celebrated with all the hoopla is pointless. Let the B-I-L get married in peace. Remember that there's also another person involved - his future wife - who probably had as much of a say or more regarding setting the date.

Attend the festivities and wish the happy couple all the best. Then - while you're still in town - issue a personal invitation to both your immediate families and closest friends - to attend the renewal of vows if not on your first married anniversary (which may be too close to Christmas or bad flying weather) then on an alternate date (perhaps the Labour Day weekend) that will represent your 25th anniversary together, even if it's not the exact date.

You might graciously ask your B-I-L and wife to introduce you and your wife at some point during the party to acknowledge your recent marriage and long-lasting happiness (with a toast?). But under no condition should you try to turn their party into a pizza of which you demand half. Be happy, instead, that your relationship has lasted much longer than most straight marriages have. You've already won those bragging rights. Congrats!

Harriet @ 21 - "and usurps her title to the families' attention"

The point is that there is no title to usurp.

I'm sorry, but it's children who think like that. The BIL and his fiancée want to get married, they set a date and that's all. It has nothing to do with the LW, who is already married. Was she waiting for both of their families to put their life on hold until she'd decide when exactly she wants to have her party?

But basically, you and I see this from two diametrically opposed viewpoints. You defend the right of gays to be be as silly as anyone else, whereas I wish all adults would act like adults.

@21: "In effect, you're saying 'tough' when the complaint is that you have to be more on top of things,or that you're watching your back that bit more, when you're gay."

The former is true, if you want to plan "big" days you need to be more on top of...planning so others don't make alternate plans.

I don't understand the latter statement at all.

@ 24. In one sense there is no title to usurp, just like you say. The LW's family do not have a finite amount of love and attention they to bestow--in the case of her parents, for example, on either her or her brother. Celebrating his traditional marriage does not invalidate or undermine the big gay festivity she has lined up, even if only in her mind, for her and her partner.

But I can see for both for possibly specific and circumstantial reasons, in a particular case, and for structural or generalised and diffuse reasons, for any gay person, she might suppose that it does. She feels she's been forced down the het pecking order again. This is probably behind her tone of irrationality about the wedding.

@21. Undead. The idea is that cultural minorities of many sorts--gay people, black people, single women--have to be aware of more shit that's going on to negotiate social contexts than representatives of dominant groups (sometimes even to avoid danger or being aggressed, sometimes to outwit prejuduce). This 'double consciousness' (or more than double consciousness) is a fact of life for so many people, to the degree it's not remarked upon. But I'm saying, really, that it's iniquitous it holds. Gay people have a right to be as silly, as disorganised, as ignorant of their feelings and motivations, as in-two-minds about important stuff like marriage, as anyone else.

@26: Oh, I get you on that, thanks. I just didn't see where it was being used here.

@21 But that's not what's going on here. Straight people have to plan the shit out of weddings also - there isn't some double standard. From everything the LW said they had no actual plans, not even a date set for their trip east. It's ridiculous to assume that no one is allowed to get married all year until you get around to planning some event.

And as Ricardo points out, they had 2 years to plan the marriage to begin with. Together 24 years, have a 2 year window of marriage opportunity, then all of a sudden they elope with vague plans for a party later. It's hard to imagine anyone looking at that from the outside and thinking that the wedding was a big deal to them.

If you want people to know something is important to you, you make plans for it. Their actions send the opposite message. They could have easily eloped and sent a save the date to everyone explaining the circumstances and stating the time and date of a big party later on. Anyone else who pulled this crap would get the same treatment.

This is silly. Everyone will already be in town for brother's wedding, right? So have your wedding within a few days, people won't have to travel twice, you each get a "big day" with the spotlight on your special coupleness, and everyone will remember two lovely weddings and not that someone was a spoiled child. Your brother, of course, has already claimed the (presumed) Saturday, so yours will be the more sedate affair, which is appropriate because you're already married.

I don't get Dan's advice. I wasn't a "big princess day" type of bride at all (our wedding was super-casual, literally a backyard BBQ pool party where most guests were wearing bathing suits), but even I would have found it very strange to be asked to share our wedding day with relatives who'd eloped months before. I don't think most people would want to do this, and being asked to do it puts them in an uncomfortable situation.

I think the LW needs to plan a separate celebration, either later in the week, or preferably at a separate time so people aren't so partied-out. Like someone said above, the financial excuse just doesn't make much sense. The cost of throwing a big party/reception is so much higher than the cost of 2 plane tickets, it's not even in the same ballpark. Scale things back a tiny bit at the party, and you can easily afford to fly back to the East Coast later or earlier in the summer.

It seems they're not upset about having to share a day--they're upset about having to share a YEAR.

@30 I think the LW should be extra sure to pay no attentention to who shows up at one party and not the other. They seem a little like the type who notices things like that.

I was once asked to share my birthday by an ex-roommate-from another house, during my own party (at my new place). Hell no, bitch. (My roommates and I paid for everything.) Did you pay for any of this? It's rude. To be fair the party started the night before and ended the next day.

@ 28. There absolutely is a double standard. The interdiction in Colorado on gay marriage was lifted in 2014.

I think it's time for a moratorium. No "weddings" for the next, say, 5 years. (If you get married between now and 2022, just have a party if you need to mark the occasion, like a birthday or something. Spend a couple grand if you must.) This would have the extraordinary virtue of putting the current Wedding Industrial Complex out of business, ending their reign of cruel tyranny and obscene markups, and let them find an honorable and socially valuable profession. Take the 25-50K you'd otherwise waste paying tribute to these fools and your obnoxious family and use it for something useful. (If you're under 40, put it in your retirement fund and you'll buy yourself at least an additional year of retirement. Is your stupid wedding really worth a extra year of doing nothing before you're way too old to enjoy it?) Lots of idiotic, pointless fights about dresses and wedding parties and seating arrangements and everything else avoided. If there's a downside to this plan I'm sure not seeing it.

I mostly agree with Dan here. Yes, fretting over the specialness of your big day is a bit silly. (Especially if your big day has really already happened) but, as someone who is currently planning a wedding, I do think this poses a real logistical challenge.
For one, the idea that they could combine weddings is totally unrealistic. Even couples with very similar visions and budgets would have to get along very well to successfully split the labor and cost of an event that normally takes a year or more to plan and often costs upward of $10,000, especially since it sounds like the brother has already been planing and paying for upwards of six months. And if they don't have similar visions and budgets... imagine if one can only pay $3000 for a ceremony in the park and one wants a $15,000 black tie affair? Or one must get married in a church and one feels strongly against a church wedding (or wouldn't be allowed to wed in that church)?

The two parties thing is much more doable, but poses it's own challenges. For one thing, they will have to organize wedding events, such as rehearsals and brunches around each other. And they will likely be just exhausted after being heavily involved in two weddings in one weekend.

And no one has mentioned how the brother and his SO might feel about all this. They may be just as miffed to share their weekend. (Especially since they planned their wedding first).

Of course, I wouldn't blame the brother in this. Not even a little. Honestly I wouldn't take it that seriously if someone mentioned casually that they were thinking of getting married at some point in the summer. If I was the LW I would probably just forget about having a big wedding or put it off another year .

I mean, If I'm reading this correctly, LW can a) only afford to travel once a year, and presumably, b) plans to attend her B-I-L's wedding, but not step on her "special day". This would suggest she thinks its reasonable he roughly one full calendar year to get married, relative to when he'd like to, to avoid taking the spotlight off her "special day".

Maybe she's this much of a narcissist in everyday life, but lots of people who aren't anywhere near this bad feel just fine being this way about weddings. A nice multi-year hiatus and maybe we can start fresh and come back to weddings without taking it as a license to be a narcissistic asshole. (And those of us lucky enough to have their marriage fall in the hiatus period can be rewarded with an extra year of retirement, or some other fun and exciting 25-50K worth of fun.)

@37, I was thinking about the possible ramifications for the brother & his fiancee, too. They could just as easily write to Dan, complaining that the dream wedding weekend they have been planning may be compromised because an already married relative insists on having a reception during the same time. For some families, that would be fine (the more, the merrier), but for others, it would understandably put a damper on things.

As others have brought up, I wonder about the idea of only being able to visit home once a year. I understand we don't have the full picture of LW's finances (they may have to stay in a hotel, rent a car, have kids, can't take extra time off work, etc.). But if it's just a matter of an extra cheap pair of airplane tix, that won't add much to the cost of a 'big, proper reception/party'. In that case, I'd vote for returning home another weekend to throw the bash and not risk resentment coming from either couple.

@35: "There absolutely is a double standard. The interdiction in Colorado on gay marriage was lifted in 2014."

And they eloped! That has nothing to do with their unplanned party, which they still haven't tried to organize.

That's not a double-standard?

@36: 25k is still insanity, we had ours for welllll under 10, with food and booze. Still should've just had a party, though.

@39: Not to mention holding THEIR plans hostage for her inability to decide until the last minute.