Savage Love

Domme and Dommer

Comments

1
Joe, this one has got to go down in your Savage Love Graphic Art Hall of Fame!
I love the catsuit (reowr!) and the title for this week's SL is sheer brilliance.
2
Where is Mistress Matisse? She'd be all over Domme and Dommer.
I love your response to PERSIST, Dan, that Savage Love is not Savage Love Jeopardy.
3
I think Dan’s advice to DOMME is a very good one for all those seeking to establish kinky friendship of some sort in general.
As for DOMME’s specific situation, I applaud her for taking the time to know people and screen them. I also suspect she can afford doing so because she’s in high demand. Some of us may recall (and recoil) the “Dickonomics 101” discussed here not too long ago, the ratio can be even higher in the kink community.

She does get to choose the polite and intelligent and thoughtful and good cooks, some may even know a thing or two about lingerie, but until they see any action they have to go through a lot of stuff they probably didn’t sign up for.
And when the action part finally arrives it may feel overwhelming as they probably sense that DOMME is looking for more (much more?) than just kinky friendship.
Nothing wrong with that, but she should probably better define to herself and others what is it that she wants. I suspect potential mates do exist.

4
Everyone gets to choose the type of BDSM relationship that works for them, and it sounds like DOMME wants something very intense. Perhaps DOMME could try a different vetting tactic and seek to meet men in the BDSM community at parties in her area. She might be able to engage in some low stakes play as she gets to know differ men. She might also gain some valuable experience in topping and have an outlet for her dominant side. Only after having some fun public play would she explore transitioning into a more intense relationship with someone with whom she clicked.
5
Seconding SublimeAfterglow's advice to meet people in the BDSM community and get to know them as friends over time before starting to date.

I also think you could go back to one or more of the men who dumped you, ask if you can buy him dinner in order to get a fuller understanding of what happened, and then really ask for his honest opinion. It's possible that you're inflicting more pain or more humiliation or more chastity than they really want, and they don't know how to negotiate for a compromise while maintaining the D/s formalities. These men may have some insights which could help you find a good connection with the next one.
6
AIG = humblebrag #2. "Alas, it would be in poor taste for me to flaunt My poly lifestyle in the person of My girlfriend in front of My housekeeper. What shall I do?" = First World problem. The housekeeper 1) probably already knows, 2) is not surprised that rich dude has a girlfriend on the side, 3) likely wants to get her job done and be on her way with a minimum of fuss. Honestly.
7
DKML: There's also the fact that the PC police won't break down your door if you decide that something else works for you.

Unless you're talking something intrinsically risky where someone needs to keep a sober head, the reason you hear so much against drunk sex is due to how often drunk sex turns into regretful sex. If you and your partner have a rapport going already and don't regret what you do with each other, sober you can negotiate broader permissions that they're allowed to take with drunk you.
8
I think the reason you feel bad is because you have run face-first into the cognitive disconnect inherent in current conceptions of affirmative consent doctrine, where one adult participant hands their adulthood over to the other for safekeeping.

"When we got home, he asked if I was too drunk for sex and I said we should have sex. I encouraged him. But when kinky stuff happened—him fucking my mouth, slapping my face a little—I quickly realized I was too drunk. I felt hurt and confused instead of feeling turned on, I felt sad, but I didn't want to tell him to stop. At some point, he realized I was too drunk for what we were doing and he stopped. The next day, I felt so sad. He feels horrible and says that, regardless of me insisting (more than once) that he continue, he should've known I was too drunk. He feels bad. I feel bad."

Here's what you do to fix this: you give up alcohol, because you are too much of a little girl to handle your liquor. If the rules are that you shed your personal responsibility along with your sobriety, while he sheds NONE of his regardless of how drunk he is, that makes you less of a responsible adult than he is. He has to not only retain full responsibility for his own state at all times, he has to take on full responsibility for yours as well. The only responsible adult in the room at that point is him. (Again, regardless of how drunk he is. Unlike you.) That makes him effectively in loco parentis for you. If you want to be able to stop being an adult when drunk, you shouldn't be allowed to drink. Children don't get booze.

You were apparently sufficiently conscious, coherent, and capable of decision making to "insist (more than once) that he continue." He ASKED YOU RIGHT UP FRONT, and you said yes. You kept saying yes, multiple times. He eventually figured out your yesses were broken, and he stopped. And that still wasn't good enough? You're still sad and he is still self-flagellating? Jesus Christ, just how much of personal concierge does he have to be?

If you had climbed behind the wheel of a car in the state you described in the letter, and insisted (more than once) on driving, and cracked up the car on an underpass, there isn't a judge in the country that would let you off the hook for having done what you did. He wasn't abusing an unconscious non-participant version of you. He was doing what you told him repeatedly to do. He even had enough sense (eventually) to realize you weren't making good decisions, and made them for you. I can see why you'd be feeling bad about that. What does that say about your personal agency? Not much. You want to feel better? Take back your personal autonomy.

9
Re: PERSIST - Dan's comment about humblebrag is funny, but taking your question at face value: Maybe your girlfriend possesses the sort of sexual response where the closer she gets to orgasm, the more delicately you have to dance over all those hyper-aroused nerve endings. In other words, teasing her over the edge instead of driving her over the edge. That might feel counterintuitive to you, if your own body likes it more insistent as you get close.

Probably worth mentioning Death Grip Syndrome, and whether you tend to use vigor as a substitute for subtlety on yourself. You might discover some interesting sensations yourself, if you teach your own body to respond to a lighter touch.
10
Dude with the housekeeper is an idiot. Cancel the housekeeper and pay her anyway.
11
Drinking woman, the sadness is probably the result of the drinking not the sex. I'm always depressed after drinking and I'm angry after finishing my stash of dope.

12
PERSIST: You were trying too hard. Your girlfriend is probably more sensitive than other women and doesn't need as much stimulation as some of your exes have. When she got close, instead of ramping things up, you should have continued to do exactly what you were doing. What you did instead was subject her sensitive clit to sensory overload, and she had to stop you and ask you to dial it back. You're welcome.

AIG: Ha! On more than one occasion a former partner's housekeeper came round to clean while he, his primary partner, and I were all lounging in dressing gowns. Your housekeeper won't care. Tell the housekeeper -- trust me, she's seen far stranger things -- or reschedule her, rather than kick a partner out of the house at an ungodly hour.
13
Still Thinking @6: Where do you get that AIG is rich? Lots of middle-income, two-job people employ people to clean. Agree with the rest of your comment.

Dan did a great job this week. Sadly, I haven't much to add! :)
15
PERSIST, the clitoris you were licking is attached to something physiologists call a "woman" (a/k/a your "girlfriend"). Helpfully, this person can let you know what works for her and what doesn't if you ask. Accordingly, it seems that your real issue is your communication skills. So next time rather than shoot off a letter to Dan, you should ask your girlfriend a few questions about what type of stimulation feels best to her. These can be awkward conversations, if you're not used to engaging in direct conversations about sex, but that is an area which could benefit from your persistence.
16
DOMME – I agree with Dan...a few instances does not set the rule for the entire world. As with life in general, you have to whip a few frogs before you can tie up your prince. Keep screening your partners. I'm not part of the BDSM scene, but common sense says that people who get off on inflicting pain or having pain inflicted on themselves might be a little closer to the edge than most, and that makes it a shorter trip away from crossing the line into real peril. Trust is key. Make sure it's not misplaced.

PERSIST – Funny Dan & his Jeopardy comment. I have had similar experiences with my GF and sometimes "the closer she gets to orgasm, the more delicately you have to dance over all those hyper-aroused nerve endings" as Avast@9 says. But "sometimes not. Ditto BiDan@12; sometimes yes, sometimes no. Her response varies and what usually works one time doesn't always work the next. Fingers yes? Fingers no? Vibrator yes? Vibrator no? Just gotta keep plugging away (which it sounds like you did) until you find what works. (Unless you ladies want to divulge the SECRET TO MAKING ALL WOMEN COME.)

DKML – Ditto what Avast@8 said.

AIG – Fuck the housekeeper. Literally.
17
As a female dominant whose partners are on the older side, while Dan's advice is good, I think he might be missing something. A lot of the men who are interested in me have never had a kinky girlfriend and have always had their submissive needs met by seeing professionals. While of course there is nothing wrong with that, it can be a huge adjustment for someone like that to get in a relationship with a lifestyle dominant, especially emotionally. So rather than a flowery flattering break-up lie, it might be the actual case that all three were emotionally overwhelmed. I'm not saying that she should act like a pro-domme, but it might be helpful to do as Dan says--play first, and then very gradually build up the emotionally intimacy, if she knows that the person has never been in an intimate kinky relationship.
18
Avast2006 @8: Oh Hell yes! Thank you for crystallizing that for me.
19
Marrena @ 17
In my experience it is the other way around: Once subs finally find real life dommes, as opposed to paid ones, they are the ones who get over enthusiastic and overwhelm their tops.

But in this case it seems to me that DOMME is looking for a much broader relationship than the sub-domme dynamics and its different shades, and this is what her previous subs found overwhelming.

21
I think that DKML is right to listen to her feelings. His hitting her wasn't a turn-on, she felt confused and sad.

I'm concerned that our dialogue around a very specific kink - BDSM - uses language that dovetails with very different preferences. When a person identifies as submissive, are they saying they want a strong, confident partner who takes the lead, or are they saying they are aroused by being smacked ? And if the same word describes both things, can't roles and expectations be confused between the person and their partner ?

DKML should take some time to process what happened and how she felt about it. If she has a supportive partner, he'll be ok with taking kink off the table for a while, and let her figure things out.
22
@21/Firsttimeposterjustcoz: I'm not sure what you mean when you state that BDSM is a "very specific kink." BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses a whole range of activities and relationship dynamics.

In any event, I think if you read DKML's letter, she and her partner sound like experienced kinksters who've regularly engaged in D/s play, with mutually pleasurable results. My sense from reading this letter again would be that DKML has enjoyed being on the receiving end of face slapping in the past. So this doesn't appear to be an issue of failing to discuss how to incorporate D/s into their relationship or what activities were in bounds.

DKML agreed to play, her partner checked-in with her multiple times when he sensed something might be off, and then ended the scene altogether. BDSM is intense, and the reason there are safe words and tops check-in during a scene is because sometimes things don't unfold as planned. In this case, DKML's husband did the right thing by ending their scene. While DKML and her husband need to discuss why that scene didn't work and the role alcohol played, they also need to cut each other and themselves some slack and given themselves the freedom move on.
24
I suspect DKML has been spending too much time on parts of the internet where ideas which are very good things, such as consent, can be taken to ridiculous extremes. Where the answer to "I did not feel 100% comfortable in every aspect and for every instant of a sexual encounter" is not "talk it over, figure out if changes need to be made in future, and move on" but "overanalyze to the nth degree, and it would be great if somehow you could be the victim".

There are places on the net that would call what happened here rape, and I think maybe she's been spending some time in those places, and is starting to doubt her own judgement.
25
I should probably add that I'm not really as down on those corners of the internet as the above might sound.

Our culture is figuring out new rules for sexual encounters - note how rapey almost every romantic scene in a classic movie looks to modern eyes - and part of working out where the line is, is going over the line.
26
Once again, I'm with BiDanFan (@13) that I, too, haven't much more to add, except that I'm in agreement with numerous comments.
27
Hunter78 @23: Yes, that's how I read it. She regrets drinking too much, and not being able to live up to her own self-imposed standard of always being up for kinky sex. To DKML, I'd say that it's OK to not be GGG all the time, to change your mind about wanting sex if the circumstances (ie requisite minimum sobriety level) have changed, to say "no" even if you previously said "yes." This applies to both kinky and vanilla situations. DKML's persistence reads as if she didn't want to admit she'd drunk too much to go through with the activities she'd suggested while less inebriated.
I don't think she needs a book, as this song says it all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrVqIKOU…
28
It sounds to me like DKML is grieving. DKML feels bad. Their partner feels bad. Both know they fucked up, and it sounds like neither is blaming the other entirely. I imagine it feels like their relationship has shifted though. Neither person trusts or recognizes themselves or their partner as much as they did before the night. It sounds like they need to step back, have some serious conversations, learn to forgive themselves, decide if/when/how to forgive each other, and move forward again - hopefully along the way figuring out that BDSM and alcohol don't mix.

I don't have a book to suggest but a relevant excerpt I read recently is, "But there are times when he will fall into deep incomprehensibility, when he will like something or need something or not need something that I can't believe he's like or need or not need, and I will be frightened that I have gotten everything about him wrong including us. [Then] I wait... I remind myself i don't need to know everything, that there will always be essential rooms within us that will be unknown. I loosen my idea of him, and he becomes recognizable again." From "The Twelve Days of Dash and Lily" by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
30
@29 – I didn't read any "no" in that post.
31
Hunter @29, judging from the context of the letter, GF wasn't saying "Stop everything, I don't want you going down on me!" Instead, her "Stop" was shorthand for "Stop that crazy thing you're doing, yes it's exciting but it's also sensory overload - if you want to help me reach orgasm, you need to ease up a bit." So LW complied with her instructions three times - and then during GF's fourth ascent, she was able to reach the peak. If I understand LW's question (and if it's not just humblebrag as Dan suggests), LW would like to know if there's a cunnilingus technique that will break through GF's sensory-overload circuits and/or psychological limits so she can reach orgasm more easily, instead of appproaching near-climax multiple times but then having to back off. My response to LW would be that every woman's sexual response to a specific turn-on (or -off) is different - and individual women can have vastly different responses day-to-day. Sorry, PERSIST - there is NO Magic Button! But if LW and GF remain together as a couple, over time they will probably be able to figure out for themselves what works or doesn't work most of the time.
32
@8 avast 2006 *Children don't get booze.*

Dingdingding! She's (allegedly) a grown-ass woman. Act like one or GTFO. This isn't a Dickens novel.

@19 CMDwannabe Good old Sub Frenzy. But this isn't that. Her letter reads like she's looking for a stand-in for her husband.
33
Hunter @29: Trolling again, I see. Ho hum.
Although you do raise a good point. I need a one-word way of saying "slower!" which is easily interpreted as "slow down to what you were doing just one second ago when I started moaning a lot" instead of "stop, and go all the way back to the beginning." Guess it's just a matter of clueing people in to the code words ahead of time.
34
@ PERSIST: Stick a finger up her ass. Duh. EVERY woman just lurvs it!
37
LW2 Sometimes it is too intense though. Too much pressure can be painful and the brink of an intense orgasm can often feel like you are about to piss yourself which you don't want to do with someone's face between your legs. So you stop when she says stop or slow down when she says slow down or whatever, and yes then brag about it later. ha ha

LW3 This one really strikes me as weird because it's the LW's husband. Not some guy she's only recently dating. She even clearly remembers telling him that she wanted to get into all this. So if it turns out she didn't like it, fine, but I don't get all the overthinking here and the hint at blame- that he should've known she was too drunk. Maybe she was into it one second and had her feelings hurt the next because being too drunk is a roller coaster ride for the emotions, but this sober blaming of husband is weird. I think it's the same advice as last time. Stop overthinking the stupid shit you did drunk. Yes you did something drunk that you wish you didn't. OK, acknowledge, laugh, move on. In the future, don't do kinky things for the first time when you are drunk. Save them for when you are sober or slightly buzzed.

LW4 Your housekeeper doesn't care who you eat breakfast with. At worst, it's giving her something to laugh about to her friends.
38
Each said that I was too overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful, and that their obsession with me took up too much room in their lives.

If they are all saying the same thing, it's not a coincidence.

The primary reason these guys are meeting up with you is for sex. During your vetting process, wherein you dangle sex in front of them for weeks if not months, they become increasingly preoccupied, or even obsessed, with the prize. Intimacy and desire are closely linked in men, so their lust evolves into deeper feelings. Meanwhile, you're not especially interested in intercourse, which isn't exactly encouraging, and because you're married, their emotional investment at this point far exceeds yours.

Any mature, emotionally healthy male would walk away from the rickety limb you're asking them to go - and apparently stay - out on.

It seems like you are thinking about this process entirely in terms of yourself. That's a great mindset for masturbation, but it's a douchey one for dating. Perhaps this is your idea of what it means to be a domme, in which case you've confused domination with being a self-centered asshole. Domination is ultimately about giving, even if it has all the appearances of taking.
39
Avast, I think the scolding tone is unnecessary and your whole post is a little over the top since the LW is confused about her behavior and reflecting on it not running around claiming to be a victim. But, I think you are spot on otherwise.

I bet what happened is that the LW lost some autonomy here, as you say, and her husband enjoyed it. She found out that he likes to fuck her face and slap her around a little- he likes the loss of her autonomy and likes to be a bit dominant. Nothing wrong with that. He probably likes other things too. He's conscientious or else he wouldn't have stopped when he saw she wasn't into it (even as she drunkenly said she was). But yes, she was in a position to be less assertive and go with the flow, and it turns out her husband's flow involves face-fucking and face-slapping. I wonder if what is really bothering her now, sober, is that she didn't know before that he was into that? That he liked the opportunity to dominate her and slap her around a bit?
41
@Hunter, agreed. Also totally changes my response at 39. I thought she said they aren't into it, and I was therefore framing her letter incorrectly. Now I don't know what she's so confused about even more. It's a weird letter.
42
I have some experience with Pro Dommes.
My relationships have been exclusively with younger women probably owing to the fact that I have been on this earth too long. I cannot imagine how I could have experimented with BDSM as a younger man, so I cannot say I feel regretful but the facts if dickonomics prevails.
These women have plenty of willing men many of whom are younger, fitter, and frankly more attractive. The Domme's would happily see me but it was abundantly clear that they were watching the clock , and if not obviously disinterested in the proceedings, made it obvious that they were doing me a favor in order to earn some extra bucks. Eventually I just felt foolish and stopped. Neither of them contacted me, I think they were probably relieved to move on to other clients.
43
Troll @35: If I liked something, I wouldn't be yelling "stop," unless we'd previously agreed that "stop" is not the safeword.
After the command "stop" is followed, further negotiations may take place.

Emma @37: Nothing in DKML's letter suggested to me that this was the first time they'd tried rough oral. What she seemed confused about, to me, was the disconnect between what Sober DKML Three Hours Previously wanted and what Very Drunk DKML was experiencing. Very Drunk DKML did not enjoy the face slapping and fucking, but didn't want to let either her husband or Previously Sober DKML down by calling an end to proceedings. Did she consent? Did she consent to something she wasn't legal to consent to? Did she set her husband up to rape her, since "everybody knows" it's rape if you're too drunk to consent? But clearly the "rape" was her own fault for insisting he continue? I can understand her confusion and shame. But yes: same advice as last time, learn a lesson, move on, drink less next time.

SB53 @42 et al: I'm also not seeing anything in DOMME's letter to suggest that her kink partners are either younger or less experienced than she is.
44
sb53
How is that new toy you got from Mrs. working for you?
If it is what I think it is than I got a similar one few years ago but haven't used it for some time now.
Cleaning after is always a bummer considering the lube required as well as that other stuff.
45
@22 Sublime Afterglow: Spot on. That was basically my thoughts on DKML, too.
@33 BiDanFan: I hope my being first (ME! Who knew?) and second commenter this week didn't inspire Hunter's current trolling feeding frenzy. I wonder what colorful retort he'll offer upon hitting the magic number.
and @43: It's nice to know that BDSM relationships usually come with safe words for just in case. Kudos to DKML's partner for checking several times however drunk they both were, and then, sensing trouble, called a stop.
46
@PERSIST Yeah, I know what you mean. My own huge, throbbing horse cock sometimes causes a bit of pain in the women I fuck, and sometimes they shriek with so much orgasmic pleasure that I'm terrified the neighbors will call the police. Any advice?
47
@46: Are you challenging PERSIST to a humblebrag duel of sarcastic wits?
48
@BDF
Yup you are right. I totally misread the first couple of sentences. I thought she said they aren't into BDSM but she'd always been turned on by it meaning that when she got drunk, she tried something kinky and previously just a fantasy for the first time. As Hunter pointed out (surprising, as his other comments were trolly) this is wrong- they've been into BDSM and a blow job should be nothing new to them. My bad, I misread, hence all my comments on this letter are useless misinterpretations. Sorry.
49
If this LW was so drunk then wouldn't having his cock in her mouth bring on a chunder? I know when I've been drunk, very drunk, I haven't been able to lie down because of spinning in the head and then it seemed easier to just stick my finger down my throat, bring the nasty stuff back up to get some sleep. I call bs on this letter and add
boring.
50
AIG you ain't got to explain shit. What are the words up Upton Sinclair? I think I'm paraphrasing, but it's something like "when you're paying someone to wash your sheets, they're not likely to ask what that stain is from"
52
Domme: unrealistic expectations are super common among those new to bdsm. And the pattern described sounds like what happens with people trying to make that first time move from fantasy to reality. I'd always advise attending some events and talking to people, so you can see what people are actually doing irl. Also a great place to meet play partners.
53
@49 LavaGirl: Too drunk---I have been there, too. Going on autopilot via the head swirlies is not fun. That was my 49th birthday, and I'm really amazed I didn't end up hugging a toilet. I think that was my one last adventurous freebie pre-50.
54
TwitterEgg@46 -
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
55
AIG: Before your wife leaves, she has a word with the housekeeper. ‘My husband may have a friend over while I’m gone, and that’s fine. You don’t need to worry about secrets.’
56
BDF @33: "Gentle" is pretty effective, at least for me. It's easy to say and it doesn't take anyone out of the moment or sound like a criticism. My gentleman knows it definitely doesn't mean "stop" and I feel like we never really had to establish it's meaning in advance... I just blurted it out one day and got the desired results.
57
Griz @45: It's not you, it's Hunter. For the past few weeks, things have been fairly uncontroversial, and he's thrown in deliberately obtuse comments, possibly with the intention of upsetting women so they'll respond appropriately and he can then laugh at them for taking him seriously. I don't know, you'll have to ask Hunter why. I know he's not stupid enough to fail to grasp simple concepts like consent.

Lava @49: Good point -- shoving a cock, or anything, down a drunk person's throat is probably a very bad idea.

Mage @52: Going to munches is a great suggestion.

Alison @55: Welcome back! Thanks for making the point that AIG's concern may have been "housekeeper tells wife AIG is having an affair." Wife mentioning the open relationship would indeed solve that problem, though AIG's letter implied to me that the wife was already away.

LVG @56: "Gentle" sounds apt -- I'll try it and report back! :)
58
In thinking about DKML and her letter a bit more I think that part of her "sadness" may stem from the questions she is asking herself about this situation. She may be wondering things like "Whose fault is this," "What's wrong with me," "What wrong with my husband," "Why did we fail," and "Why was my husband so stupid?" If that is the case, DKML will end up in a bad place mentally and in her relationship.

But there is a better path for DKML out of this situation. She could be asking, "What happened," "What do I want for myself and my husband," "What can I learn," "What assumptions am I making," "What are the facts," "Am I being responsible," "What is possible," "What are my choices, and "What's best to do now?"

As an outsider to DKML's situation, she had a bad BDSM experience, but a lot went right that evening. I think that if she frames her reflections with the right type of questions, she and her husband at end up at a good place, but if she is focusing on the wrong questions she and her husband are going to have further problems.
59
BDF @33, Ivg@56 – "Gentle" is good. GF usually says. "Easy! (or 'Whoa! Easy there, boy!' and pats me on the head)" or "Not so hard!"
60
In other news:
Steve Bannon: Kushner Is a ‘Cuck’
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/s…

Highlights:
“[Steve] recently vented to us about Jared being a ‘globalist’ and a ‘cuck’…He actually said ‘cuck,’ as in “cuckservative,’” the administration official told The Daily Beast.
“Cuckservative,” a portmanteau of “cuckold” and “conservative,” has become a favorite slur on the right, used like a sexually and racially charged version of “RINO,” a Republican In Name Only. “Globalist” is a term typically used by nationalist, pro-Trump right-wingers against political opponents; however, the term has also come under fire for at times carrying anti-Semitic tones. (Kushner is Jewish.)
61
Hi DOMME - I'm a mid-50s guy and very experienced in BDSM and role-play, and I'm definitely not one to be "overwhelmed" by anything about your outward appearance. What's under the skin is what matters. I'm also not one to dilly-dally on whether to move forward. If you are in the SF area and want to see if we are a good fit, hit me up. Seriously.
62
Donny @59: "Not so hard" is about two more syllables than I can manage when I'm caught somewhere between "close to orgasm" and "overload" ;)
63
@62 :-)
64
@61
She’s from beautiful Federal Way and I’m #14 on the waiting list.
65
LW1, DOMME: I'm no expert on this particular kink, but maybe you should try reversing the order of things. Playmates first, long-term FWBs for anyone who seems like a good match not only in your dominance games, but in the outside world. That way you won't have such a high emotional investment when an interesting prospect bails out. I agree with you and others in the Commentariat that they are feeding you the sub version of "It's not you, it's me..."

If you don't feel you can engage in dominance play without making a big emotional investment first, you might want to reconsider whether an open marriage is right for you, even though your husband has encouraged you to explore. Is there any chance you could explore your dominance kink with the man you married, despite his advanced age?

LW2, PERSIST - Once again I will channel Vennominon and note that there is nothing in the letter to indicate PERSIST is a man, as everyone appears to have assumed. However, if in fact this is not humblebrag but a genuine request for insider knowledge, PERSIST deserves to be told that there is no Magic Button that will overcome GF's sensory overload circuits and/or psychological barriers and enable her to orgasm quickly and smoothly the first time, every time - or even almost every time. Everyone is different in their sexual response and in their individual turn-ons and turn-offs, and some (especially those of us with female parts) can even have a different response to the same stimuli on different days of the week and month. Only time and experience together will allow you to learn what works best between you and your GF. The experts (and the Commentariat) are all completely helpless to advise you, be we males, females, androgynes, or genderqueer. Happy hunting!

LW3, DKML - I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said, except this: BDSM sex requires additional care and attention, because of the potential for serious injury or the kind of bad feelings that you and your partner are experiencing right now. If you are severely impaired by alcohol and/or drugs, your judgment levels are diminished along with your ability to sense and react to pain. Your partner may hit harder than he means to hit. Don't drive, don't operate heavy machinery, and don't engage in BDSM, even with a partner you trust. However, Dan is right in noting that your story had a semi-happy ending, and if you can look objectively at the situation, you may be able to talk it out with your partner and get back to that good place where you can resume your BDSM play in the future.

LW4, AIG: Where exactly is the problem? You are sitting at the breakfast table with your friend Polly when the housekeeper shows up at 8:00 a.m., you say "Hi, this is our friend Polly" and the two of them say hi to each other. You don't have to explain how you know Polly, or whether your wife knows the two of you have a sexual relationship. I don't even think you need to ruffle up the guest bedroom sheets as Dan suggests. The housekeeper isn't there to snoop on your sex life, and a good one doesn't spend enough non-work time in your home to even think about it for long. As long as you pay well and on time for their services, they don't care if you have 20 partners.

66
Cap @65: Good point about PERSIST. I guess we all assumed that a woman would understand about sensory overload, but that's not necessarily the case. Having a clit does not automatically make one better at cunnilingus; it's practice and a sincere desire to give her what she enjoys. PERSIST may indeed be a woman who was thinking "well this gets me off; why is it too much for her?"
67
To PERSIST: Think ocean waves, not Niagra Falls.
68
@66, @67 – I get that, but you women are tricky. Sometimes its; the wham, bam, thank you ma'am that she wants (more often than not it's not) but you never know. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
70
@54 You could at least TRY, you unoriginal fucking tool. BUK BUK BUK (pecking in the dirty like a stupid fucking chicken) BUK BUK BUKAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
71
@69 – Congrats, Hunter. Use it well.

@70 – I think you just made his point for him.
72
... but maybe because we were in her sister's spare bedroom, or for whatever reason....


I'm surprised nobody else has picked up on the first part of the above excerpt. We don't know what kind of a relationship she has with her sister or whether she was feeling awkward making sex noises and that was making her more hesitant to come - because then she might really make noises she wouldn't be able to control.

If this were something PERSIST (I also wish we had more identifying details) and "the gf" were experiencing on a regular basis, then many of the comments would be appropriate. I think the setting had more to do with the struggle to get to the finish line and the backing-off until PERSIST persisted.
74
@71 Assuming you know what that point is, I guess? I'm still correct. Humblebrags deserve derision. Always, always, always.
76
@69: Congrats, Hunter! Enjoy the fruits of your pickings. I guess we'll really get quite a blow-by-blow by Monday's SL: Domme and Dommer Week in Review.
LOL---I sure called it this week, didn't I (@45)?
77
@76: Actually, I'm quite happy for everyone hitting the magic lucky number. As I have been the repeat winner for a number of weeks, it's nice to see someone else besides me get the honor.
78
@60 CMDwannabe: Thank you for the update, offering yet further evidence as to why I try to avoid RepubliKKKans as much as humanly possible.
79
wow, where's Dan's troll-dar? The letter from DKML sounds like it's straight from the pen of a so-called men's rights activist. The aggrandizement of the husband, the heaping of blame on the wife, the exaggeration of the sex act (a blow job with a little slapping is kinky BDSM)? It doesn't even say what exactly "she" is seeking direction on. This strikes me as a sad attempt to evoke exactly the response put best by avast2006 #8. Sheesh, these little girls who can't handle their liquor and lead men on until they cry rape and ruin the man's life. Fake, and dangerous.
80
Helenka @72, I referred to it obliquely - maybe too obliquely - in saying that there is no Magic Button that will overcome GF's possible psychological barriers to an easy orgasm. As a lapsed Roman Catholic who is still paranoid about sexual noise well into adulthood, and who is therefore often unable to achieve orgasm while staying in the homes of parents, in-laws, or siblings - I totally sympathize!
81
@79 I'll stop being a dick for a moment to point out that your comment is well worth reading. Thank you for this perspective. You might be right, and yeah, I missed it, too.
82
Helenka @72: Right you are -- I missed that "we were in her sister's spare bedroom" might well have implied that the sister was in the house. Definitely, feeling like I have to keep it down to avoid being heard puts a damper on my ability to come. And Hunter is dead wrong @ both 73 and 75, unsurprisingly. Sure there are some people out there who want to put on a show for their relatives, but I bet most people do not. And it seems likely that PERSIST's ability to make their girlfriend come is a usual occurrence; if they weren't sure from experience that she would come, given a thorough enough attempt, wouldn't most lovers have given up and moved onto a different act?

McWillis @79: Nope, I can't read any trolling in DKML's letter. Nowhere was rape mentioned; she clearly blames herself more than she does her husband. (Husband, not rando.) And yes, face fucking and slapping IS kinky BDSM, thanks for asking. Only a submissive would want to be choked and slapped when giving head. If this letter was faked by anyone, which I highly doubt, it was from the pen of an Alcoholics Anonymous advocate, not an MRA, who wouldn't have been anywhere near that subtle.

Twitter: I have absolutely no idea what you're on about, but thanks for admitting you're being a dick.
83
Actually, sorry Helenka, but I revise my assessment of your comment. If the girlfriend's main issue was self-consciousness, she most likely would have just not come. The "Stop! Too intense!" is verbal proof of the main problem, overstimulation.
Perhaps the link is: GF got close to coming, but couldn't come because she thought her sister might overhear, so PERSIST ramped it up too high to compensate.
84
@44 The first-time-out-of-the box experience was not good. (tengaflip) The thing is massively large, and the lube supplied is ...cold. We have it on the shelf and awaiting another opportunity. In reading reviews of the toy, the users (not the sellers) recommend warming it first with hot water prior to use. Will follow up, thnx for asking!
86
Hunter @85: Most of those people, I expect, would be considerably less turned on if the potential discoverer were their sister.
87
And no, I don't think everyone feels like I do. If I did, I wouldn't have said, "Sure there are some people out there who want to put on a show for their relatives, but I bet most people do not."
88
Also, it's not just that I'm projecting that most women would be turned off, not on, by the idea of their sisters overhearing their sex noises. Your theory makes no logical sense. Let's analyse the situation:

This is not a woman PERSIST is going down on for the first time. They're in her sister's spare room, so they must be an established couple who've had sex on many occasions.

The fact that PERSIST's girlfriend took four tries to come is unusual, so unusual that PERSIST wrote Dan about it. This implies, not that she usually does not come at all, as you postulate @75, but that she usually does come from oral sex, and the extra effort PERSIST needed perplexed him. (If she usually did not come, PERSIST's letter would have read "I go down on my girlfriend regularly, but she rarely comes, and she did this time, do you think it was because we were in her sister's spare room?" Also, like I said @82, if any of us had a partner who normally did not come from oral sex, the typical procedure would be to switch to something else after a while, not keep trying all night.)

If the girlfriend were in fact turned on by the idea of being overheard by her sister, surely PERSIST would have found it easier to get her off in that situation, not harder?

Conclusion: Once again, Hunter's porn fantasies are unlikely to bear any relation to reality.
89
@84 sb53: Thank you for the update on you and Miss N. I hope it all works out and you can both enjoy your new toys and accessories together. About the lubricant being cold--can it be warmed up a little before use, or kept at room temperature? I got and responded to your kind emails (thanks, too, for sharing the great pix!). One suggestion: would role playing possibly enhance use of your new sex toys (i.e.: characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show, Barbarella, Star Wars, et. al)?
I'm moseying a bit off topic, here, sb53 (& anyone else interested) but couldn't resist, because you like Warner Bros. cartoons as much as I do, and since I'm on the subject of diversion: I just purchased a three-DVD set of Bugs Bunny, Foghorn Leghorn (& Friends), Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner cartoons. Now between that and Josie & the Pussycats I'm ready to relive "the Saturday morning line up". Now, if I could just find The Wacky Racers (featuring Penelope Pitstop, Dick Dastardly, Muttley, et al) I'd be set.
@88 BiDanFan: I noticed that about Hunter, too. He does enjoy testicling people on, doesn't he?
90
@89: Or, at the risk of getting egg on my face, should I rephrase that "test-tickling"?
93
@82 Hey, thanks! I sincerely love your posts, I really do. But I maintain that PERSIST is full of it and deserves public shaming.
94
And Bi kicks ass yet again this week!
95
Thanks for all the comments (on-target and off). I think BiDanFan@88 was pretty close to the mark. My girlfriend is practically always multi-orgasmic (from oral sex or the addition of our trusty assortment of vibrators) and I'm sure she was a little self-conscious with her sister two doors down. I was perplexed by getting her so close, but then, poof! Too intense all of a sudden. Venus/Mars because as a guy, when you get that close, ain't no way you're gonna stop it. On the plus side, that fourth-try orgasm was a big one, probably from all the build-up. No humblebrag, just brag ;-)
96
Oh, and TwitterEgg. You and Trump, baby. Peas in a pod.
97
Griz @94: Aw, thanks! I wondered if @88 was a bit too harsh, but I guess not. Hunter, sometimes I think it's obvious your posts are being deliberately obtuse, but at one point you'd claimed a post I thought was a clear troll was a sincere question. You seem to come up with these theories which are completely implausible or unworkable given the facts at hand -- for instance, sure, some guys might love it if their wives pressed a boob against them, but not an overworked guy with a low sex drive who was avoiding his wife. Hmm, perhaps you were projecting when you accused me of thinking everyone thinks the way you do?

Persist @95: One thing to bear in mind is that it's not just the destination, it's the journey. I come fairly easily and often I wish lovers would just take their time. Some seem to be trying their damnedest to suck an orgasm out of me, which, as Emma @37 says, is painful. Slow down and don't be so concerned about whether she'll come, as it seems you've not got much to worry about in that department. (And yes, as I tell these lovers, if it takes longer I come harder. Don't be in such a hurry!)
(Twitter's generally been pretty sane, I'm not sure what's got into them this week.)
98
Oh, and to take some of that wind out of your sails, if your girlfriend is multi-orgasmic, it's not you, it's her. :)
99
Fan @98. Not to mention Venus/Mars. Seriously?
101
@100: You just did. Quit bitchin'.
102
@95 If you're being honest about it, then I have no beef with you. Brag away!
@96 Well, of course. I proudly support Trump. JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
103
@86: "Most of those people, I expect, would be considerably less turned on if the potential discoverer were their sister"

He may be projecting a smudge.
104
"Some people" in air quotes and all that.