Savage Love Apr 19, 2017 at 4:00 am

Dick Monsters


No, you don't have to tolerate these jerks. He can take his Mom out on Mother's Day without you. He can go over there for pie on Thanksgiving and Christmas without you (but not go for the whole thing without you--make your own traditions).

Don't give him grief about it, do give him a little sympathy when he gets home. These people tried to break you up, and treat other people like crap. You're not obliged to spend time with them.
How do people get married without realizing their sexual preferences are incompatible? It's only going to get worse with kids, so make sure not to get your wife pregnant, INSOMNIA, until you find some flexible solutions to this issue.

As a fan of morning sex myself, I don't see why Dan caters 100% to the husband's preference. Maybe as a night owl he can stay up till 3am on occasion and fuck on his way to bed, when she's getting up? Maybe on the weekends he can text her from bed when he wakes, to let her know to come back and play?
I have to agree with Dan on his point about not getting shit-faced in preparation for sex. In my opinion, fucking is its own high and shouldn't need any social lubricant or anesthetic to enjoy. I've met a few people who have joked that they wouldn't have done most of the things they did had they been sober. Or thankful that they won't have to remember, thanks to the booze or drug induced blackout.

If sex is that bad, perhaps you shouldn't be doing it. Either in the situations or the people involved. Or perhaps not at all.

INSOMNIA – Consistently waking up at 3AM is more than just "a morning person with insomnia"... According to the Mayo Clinc (…) this might be caused by stress, her travel or work schedule, poor sleep habits, eating too much late in the evening, mental health disorders, medications, medical conditions, sleep-related disorders or caffeine, nicotine and alcohol. You don't have to put up with sleepless nights. Simple changes in your daily habits can often help. SEE A DOCTOR.

SHUTOUT – Like it or not, this is the family YOU CHOSE (via your choice of a husband). They'll be part of the picture probably forever, so YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND should do your best to solve this problem sooner, rather than later if possible. Agree with Dan's advice except it should be the husband who delivers the "keep things civil, hate-free, and non-biphobic or we will get up and leave" warning to his own damn family. And then, as Dan says, FOLLOW THROUGH and leave if they can't stop dragging their knuckles on the ground for the short time you are there. Hopefully they'll get the message.
@1 Clashfan. I disagree. Marriage is about family and putting up with your spouse's family is part of the deal, even if they're assholes. The LW doesn't need to tell her husband she thinks his family is great, but within reason he gets to decide how often they see his parents (as she does with hers), she has to be civil to them in the absence of outright attacks, and, while she can tell him how obnoxious his family is, she shouldn't torture him about it.

This is especially true if/when they have kids. Kids love grandparents (usually) and she doesn't get to decide if her kids get to have a relationship with their grandparents. She can certainly correct any obnoxious things her odious in-laws try to inculcate in her kids though.

What is it that people here often say about partners who try to isolate you from your friends and family? I'm pretty sure most agree that it's not a good thing.
OMG, QUEEN, that's horrible! I'm sorry to read about what you, your BF, and other partygoers went through with that creep. That's intolerable. Yes--like Dan suggests, report that asshole to the police. It does sound like he already has an established criminal record.
@7 (re QUEEN): And Dan's right spot on, too, about advance planning, that drunk, stoned, wasted sex isn't the best sex, and that a BYOB is the best way to handle a group alcohol situation.
@6: Nope, life's too short to deal with assholes. They tried to break up the couple. They refused to attend a party because another guest is Muslim. She doesn't have to deal with xenophobic assholes.

Marriage isn't "about family". It's about what the people in the marriage agree it's about. It can be about family--it can be about breaking away from the bad examples your family of origin were, and making a new start.

Where did you get the impression I advised her to isolate him from his family?
SHUTOUT: I agree with clashfan and Donny. Although your in-laws are family through your choice of a husband, your spouse needs to assert to his family members that hatred, bigotry, and vicious slurs will not be tolerated, and that BOTH of you will leave the gathering. Follow through by leaving, and hopefully they will take the hint.
@1 clashfan: I like your suggestion for SHUTOUT's husband to take his mother out separately on Mother's Day and to go for pie on Thanksgiving and Christmas without his wife's having to participate and suffer needlessly. Amen to starting one's own family traditions!
SHUTOUT, my bother-in-law is a racist, sexist homophobic dipshit who has been appallingly ugly to me as long as they have been married to my sibling.

I don't make any effort to communicate with them, my communication with my sibling is limited, and I send presents to their kids and maybe talk on the phone twice a year.

If your inlaws are horrible people who go out of their way to make your life miserable, they haven't earned respect or any of your time. Your husband can see them on his own, in limited doses, and you can point to all the very valid reasons that you're not going to waste another moment of your life on people who deliberately tried to break you up.
INSOMNIA: You say you're a night owl--what does that mean, exactly? When do you go to bed--can you try Erica's suggestion of waking your wife up if you get to bed around 3 am? If she stirs a little when you crawl in bed, try kissing her and see if you get a good response.

Otherwise, if you get home before she does, try getting some of those chores done for her. Knock that list down to size, and see what happens. Also, have you tried asking your wife what she thinks of this situation?
@6 dcp123: Like clashfan, I also disagree with you. I had an abusive spouse from a severely dysfunctional family. And while yes, it was my choice to marry him so foolishly anyway although I knew damned well what I would be in for, nobody should have to tolerate use and abuse. As for isolation, for me it was the other way around. My ex tried to bar me from my friends, family and loved ones. Our saving factor was that our families were two states apart from each other.
I did everything I could to openly accept my ex's family as they were, but it was impossible. Our differences proved to be irreconcilable. Despite my ex's and his family's parts in aggressively pushing for us to have children, that was the only thing during my disastrous marriage that I did right--stand my ground, and insist on remaining childless. My divorce was still ugly, but it would have been a nightmare if children had ever been added to so toxic a mix.
@11 slinky (re SHUTOUT): I can certainly empathize. It's the same between me and my two older sisters.
@11, Not sure if it is a typo, a Freudian slip, or intentional, but "bother-in-law" is gold! Maybe this can be added to the lexicon along with persistent dick monster?
SHUTOUT may be male, which might account for, but not excuse, some of the virulence of his in-laws

Even if the in-laws can get their behavior under control and practice good manners now, SHUTOUT and his/her hubby having kids may ratchet up the tension even more. As a parent, sometimes you feel that you can put up with stuff you'd eschew as a single person for your kids' sake. Other times, you decide you don't want to expose your kids to toxicity.

I would recommend, rather than prescribing a certain level of contact or number of visits, that SHUTOUT and hubby say "This year we would like to spend time with you on these occasions: X, Y, and Z. We would appreciate this kind of behavior on your part: A, B, and C. In return, we will do P, D, and Q. If this year goes well, we might have more visits next year. If not, we may have fewer." They can always cancel visits, or add more, depending on what happens. But it could relieve some of the stress to be able to think "OK, one down, we survived this one OK, two to go."
EricaP @3: Because waking someone up for sex is a horrible thing to do to them. So, yes. "Have sex when you're both awake" is the only possible advice here.

I too was puzzled by the idea of someone being both a morning person and having insomnia. Surely insomnia means one can't get to sleep at night? So she's lying awake at night and then getting up early in the morning? Dude, did you marry a vampire? I agree that some compromise is necessary. For instance, Wife could wait until Husband wakes up naturally, perhaps make him coffee or breakfast in bed, and wait for his wakefulness and libido to catch up with hers. Or she could realise that if sex is important enough to her to try to wake someone up, it's important enough to put aside her chores and projects for while her husband is awake, as Dan says. Surely there must be times when they are both awake; they should both make the effort to have sex then, instead of each of them only seeking sex when they are horniest, if their natural rhythms are so out of whack.

Holmes @4: Sadly, they weren't joking.

Still Thinking @16: It occurred to me, too, that SHUTOUT might be male -- but then the bigger issue wouldn't be his bisexuality, but the husband's homosexuality. Trust me, bigots like those would not be primarily concerned that a bi guy would leave their nice gay son to find some woman to go start a family with. That's a different kind of bigotry. I agree with Donny and Clashfan: SHUTOUT married this guy, not his family. They're making zero effort and she's not required to make any more effort than they are.
BiDanFan @18: Insomnia can be difficulty falling asleep, but it can also be difficulty staying asleep long enough to be well rested the next day. Both are classified as insomnia. Sometimes when I wake up at 3 am and can't go back to sleep, an orgasm helps me sleep. If it's later than 5 am, my partner doesn't mind if I wake him up for sex, and then sometimes I can get another hour of sleep afterward. So it may be that the wife feels rushed and focused on chores later in the day partly because she's been a useless blob all day because of her tiredness, and an orgasm during her sleepless times could help increase her sleep total -- that is, it's not as simple as saying "have sex later." But he is not available to be her dick-on-call at 4 am, so she needs to take care of it herself. Maybe sometimes the buzz of a vibrator will wake him up and turn him on, which would be a bonus for her . . . but if he always sleeps through it, still no problem: she's addressing her own needs instead of expecting her deep-sleeping husband to wake up to take care of them.
a) Waking someone for sex isn't inherently "horrible." I don't mind; ManxsomeFoe's partner doesn't mind; and INSOMNIA doesn't seem to mind -- it's just not effective for them.

b) Which is why I suggested alternatives that were still in the AM hours -- as you did too. I was confused that Dan seemed to think she should do all the compromising, when possibly her afternoon chores & errands involve other humans, rather than just sweeping the kitchen. INSOMNIA didn't say explicitly that her tasks could all be moved to 3am, so it seemed an odd thing to assume.
Erica @20: Just because a certain subset of people enjoy a thing does not preclude it from being inherently horrible. (I offer CBT as an example.) INSOMNIA obviously finds it horrible, as he either rejects it or doesn't enjoy it. Therefore, any advice offered would exclude it as an option.

I think Dan suggested that Mrs INSOMNIA compromise because INSOMNIA is the one who's normal here, and Mrs INSOMNIA's schedule is unreasonable.
@11 slinky: I second tachycardia's comment---intentional or not, "bother-in-law" is gold and a stroke of pure genius, and further testimony of why I don't bother. I know it's early in this column's comment session, but I nominate you winner of the SHUTOUT thread.
@18 (re your thread with EricaP @3 on INSOMNIA): I agree. Mrs. INSOMNIA's compromising by being awakened at 3 am for sex sounds unreasonable to me, too--that's nuts! Mr. and Mrs. INSOMNIA should find a time for sex when they're both awake and want it. I like your enticing breakfast in bed idea.
Hunter, I think slinky deserves a point for clever use of "bother-in-law".
@20 I agree with EricaP, being awakened for sex is great. Maybe the awaker shouldn't expect more than a "quickie" and then both can fall back asleep.
BDF @21 - "INSOMNIA is the one who's normal here, and Mrs INSOMNIA's schedule is unreasonable." Highly subjective opinion, not fact. There are at least as many early birds in the world as night owls, likely more since the natural human bio-clock is synchronized to the daily sunlight cycle. Personally, I think it's quite unreasonable (and selfish) for INSOMNIA to pester his wife for sex in the early evening, when a) she's just gotten home from work, b) this is probably the lowest-energy time of day for someone who's been up since 4 am or thereabouts, and c) he already knows she typically has planned other activities for that part of the day. It would be great if he could assume some of her workload so they could relax together and perhaps enjoy a quickie before or after dinner, but if her after-work chores require coordination with other people or making preparations for said dinner, these are not items that can be rescheduled at the last minute, shifted to 3-5 a.m. per Dan's suggestion, or delegated for INSOMNIA to handle while she is still at work. Best to shoot for one or more weekend sex sessions at a time when they are typically both awake and fairly relaxed, and then maybe take turns accommodating each others' schedules on weekdays: he could stay up extra-late to catch her for sweet wake-up sex one week, and she could plan to stay up a bit longer for just-before-bedtime sex the following week. Save the bondage scenarios for the weekends, when both partners have more time and energy to play.
LW3, SHUTOUT: You are not the first, nor will you be the last married person to get stuck with a batch of shitty in-laws. I don't think you're obligated to visit them every single time your husband does, but if you shun them on holidays and special family occasions where everyone else shows up, it will be noticed and discussed - and it is likely to drive a wedge between you and your husband over time. It may help to remember that he still loves them, and despite their bigotry and general nastiness, they managed to raise a guy whom you loved enough to marry. So even if you can't manage to generate any respect for these people yourself, you can make the effort to remain cordial and act friendly out of respect for your life partner.

I strongly agree with Donny @5 that it is your husband, not you, who needs to tell them to cool it when anyone starts spewing racist or homophobic garbage. Not only will they accept the message better coming from their own kid, it is his marital duty to stand up for you, your relationship, and your shared values, if and when anyone in his birth family starts putting you down. And it will make you feel a little bit better about the visits if you know that he will always have your back, should the conversation take an uncomfortable turn.
I'll just add my voice to those saying that being woken up for sex is great. I love semi-conscious, just-waking-up sex. I find it easier to concentrate on sensation; I'm less likely to be distracted by other things, as I am when I'm fully awake.

That said, 3am is a bit hard for a lot of people's natural rhythms. 5am seems much more reasonable. But if he's been up quite late, that might feel like the middle of the night to him. In my experience it's easier to turn a night owl into a morning person than vice-versa; maybe he could work on slowly adjusting his schedule closer to hers, by getting up slightly earlier each day? At first he won't be tired any earlier, but after a while he will as his body asks for more sleep.

Failing that, it sounds like weekend sex for these two.
Bother-in-law was intentional. :)

I'd like to say Bother and Sibling's married name is the Bickersons, but sadly that's not the case.
Slinky @29, The Bickersons and Andy Capp. Two comic strips about deeply dysfunctional, unhappy couples who express their mutual dissatisfaction through verbal and physical abuse. I didn't like either one when I was a kid. I didn't get a lot of the punch lines (ha-ha pun intended), and the ones I understood were more sad than funny. I couldn't understand why anyone would want be married to someone they obviously hated. Decades later, with a lot more insight about domestic abuse and why some people choose to stay when all logic would demand that they go, I find these comic strips even more distasteful. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this reality in your own family.
I'm with Fan on this one. I didn't sleep with my husband every night because I didn't want to be woken up by someone poking what felt like a stick in my back. Morning sex is not a problem, Being woken for it is. And at some ungodly hour?
I think this might be a real incompatibility for INSOMNIA and his wife. Not just the basic issue, but their apparent reluctance to grapple with it as a team.

Most of our suggestions for compromises are incompatible with raising young children, so I'm going to reiterate that I think they'd be better off not having kids together unless their bodies get more in sync and/or their joint problem-solving skills improve.
Erica @32 I don't disagree with you, but INSOMNIA said right up front that they are newlyweds. They are likely still sorting things out and learning how to arrive at compromises that don't feel to both parties like zero-sum games, especially if they did not live together for a long period prior to marrying.

I like the idea from ciods @27 that INSOMNIA start training his way toward a 9-4 or 10-5 sleep schedule, which is what most farming families in developed countries and virtually everyone in the rest of the world live on by necessity, and is most likely the approximate schedule that his wife keeps. Everything we currently know about human biorhythms indicates that more awake time during daylight hours is healthier and leads to longer lifetimes than burning the midnight oil, and his wife might actually sleep better (i.e., longer) if their sleep schedules were more synchronized...which would give INSOMNIA a better shot at a willing (and fully awake) partner for the evening sex games he craves.
Hunter @28: Patriarchial? No. Just pro-sleep. I'm sure the advice would have been the same regardless of the gender of the wielder of the "alarm cock."
@6 Clashfan. I agree with you completely. Married couples make a commitment to each other, and their interaction with their spouse's family should be civil when possible as to be a good sport. However, no one under any circumstance should have to spend time with people who have been abusive to them. Send hubby to those holidays while she goes and spends time with her family or friends. She should make her be a tall drink when you gets home and listen to him bitch about how his family is . But she should not have to endure that kind of awful display of human behavior. Hopefully her husband will realize at some point that his family is a pile of shit and see that his wife is his true family. I don't get people who hold on to toxic family relationships when it does nothing but drag them down. He's got an awesome wife and the two of them are all the family that he needs.
@32 I agree Erica. These guys appear to be sexually incompatible, and because they are newly weds. What bride and groom don't drop dacks ( pants) and leap when they see each other?
These different hours bull is masking them not really enjoying each other sexually.
RE shutout
This letter is similar to my experience. We married young and I was from a Long-term FDR Democratic family. Her family is right-wingnut Trumpians, but also right -wing Lutheran. (like the RCC there are strains of lutheranisms) In the face of decades of negativity and judgey behavior I simply show up at family functions and soak up their goofy stories to be replayed when I am with my family for laughs. I try to not take it personally, I simply remind myself that they love their daughter as do I;...we have that one thing in common. I learned to bring cigars to leave their house to smoke when it gets too bad. I do not normally smoke but it is delightful to have this reason to excuse myself. Like Bill Clinton, I do NOT inhale ;-)
Interesting points about the insomnia deal and the sunlight bio- rhythm deal. Cool to know the rest of the world sleeps early and all that.

But yeah, sounds sketchy how difficult sleep vs sex is for INSOMNIAC...Newlyweds, but they may have dated for years before tying the knot, so he's bored of her or she is.
It seems the height of rudeness and disconsideration to try to wake someone up at 3am for sex - spouse, dating partners, rando hook up. My last serious girlfriend was somewhat like this - she was an early riser (5am, even though she worked a 9-5) who liked morning sex and viewed my desire not to wake up that early for sex as a form of personal rejection. I wouldn't be surprised if your partner is... well let's just say, in my experience I've never rejected a sexual advancement without paying for it later. It's ammo in the argument gun. I am guessing from your letter, but it seems that she's of the opinion that you're the one not pulling your putting-out weight in the relationship and that most of the sex you're having with her is of "I'd rather quarterheartedly fuck you than argue over this" type.
@28 Hunter (re your comment to @34 BiDanFan, and her response): I'm certainly not being patriarchal, either. Like Bi, I, too, am pro-sleep. Come on! Being roused out of a sound sleep for sex just sounds crazy to me (which I already said in @22), and a bit selfish on INSOMNIA's part. And I'm sticking to my beliefs on this one, comforted that within this thread I am not alone.
@34: Thanks again, Bi.
@29 slinky: Bothers-in-law. They're something else, aren't they? Mine are The Duke of Squander and the Queen of Denial.
@40: If she's being awakened from a deep sleep, whether she truly wants it or is just going through the motions to appease her spouse, it's a damn inconvenience.
@37 sb53: Bless you for being able to see the humor in inter-family relations, and being able to keep it doable.
@40: I speak from previously unhappily married experience. Nuff said.
Some people don't like being woken for sex, granted. But many of us do. I find it connecting, like I felt about being woken at 3am by a hungry baby. Mr. P also doesn't mind. I think that's because we easily go back to sleep after sex (and I slept easily after nursing.) These days I also wake at 6:30 to see my teens off to high school, then go back to sleep another hour with Mr. P. I like getting up because a loved one wants me, and I like crawling back under the covers afterwards.

Intimacy teaches if a nighttime tap will wake up a snarling or cheerful partner.

In this case it's not working because he doesn't really wake up, not because he's grouchy. With consent he could try waking her when he comes to bed and seeing how that goes. Because of her insomnia, though, I'm not hopeful.
I would hate being woken up for sex (especially in the middle of the night) unless I'm already half-awake and horny from a sex dream (which is a pretty rare occurrence). If I'm not waking up naturally, I feel groggy and cranky and not at all sexy.
Your boy Pence is about to land on our shores. Top level discussions. I think Mother is along for the ride.
Sportlandia @39: More evidence that you've just been dating the wrong people. I have a partner who is a morning (sex) person too, and he knows that he needs to let me sleep until my normal waking time, and bring me coffee, and even then I may exercise my right to just not be in the mood. If someone's arguing with you over it, DTMFA!

Hunter @40: It's not a sin to want cock at 3am. It's not a sin to want to throttle somebody. It's a sin to do it. She's more than welcome to fantasize about cock at 3am, or to use a dildo at 3am. If she's a decent human being, she'll let her husband sleep. Because her husband does not want pussy at 3am.

[Griz @41: Clarification: INSOMNIA is the male letter-writer, his wife is the 3am sex pest.]

EricaP @43: It doesn't matter whether you're happy to be woken for sex. It doesn't matter if 90% of the people in the world are happy to be woken for sex (which these comments indicate is far from the case). INSOMNIA does not want to be woken for sex. Therefore Mrs INSOMNIA shouldn't do it.
SHUTOUT, it may be worth knowing that these people are bad Catholics too. Catholicism disapproves of any sexual activity outside of heterosexual marriage, of course, but that does not mean that heterosexual Catholics are permitted to treat you like shit. The Catechism is pretty clear about how LGBT people are supposed to be treated by others.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

If you want to be a Catholic, then you are obliged to recognize that same-sex sexual activity is sinful, that monogamy is required, etc., etc. But, the mere fact of being gay or lesbian or bisexual isn't in itself sinful, only the acts are. My guess is that you're not all that interested in being a Catholic, so the Catechism doesn't apply to you.

It does apply to your in-laws, however. So the next time they treat you disrespectfully, you might helpfully offer them some guidance for something they might want to discuss in confession.
@45 LavaGirl: You and all Australians have my deepest, heartfelt sympathy. Why can't Trumpzilla Pencezilla just get their sorry asses shipped to Russia With Love?
@46 BiDanFan: Ooops! Thanks for the clarification, and sorry for the misinterpretation Hunter [@40] and INSOMNIA.
@36, assuming that life masks sexual incompatability is ridiculous. Sounds like someone just doesn't like/doesn't have to do the dishes.
@46: Okay--that's where I misread INSOMNIA's letter. He, the LW--not Mrs. INSOMNIA, was being awakened at 3 am for sex by his spouse, regardless of whether he was up to it or not. Thanks. Further proof of how beneficial it is for me to re-read letters to Dan, his responses, and the comment threads first before jumping into the fray.
@51 Hunter: Bi, myself, and several other people have already suggested that better communication for sex needs to be negotiated between Mr. and Mrs INSOMNIA.
@INSOMNIA: Good luck negotiating sexually with your wife, and hope you can both get some sleep.

Dan the Man and everybody, forgive me---I'm still celebrating Dan's spot-on victory re NAWT from last week: "you already made the dog mistake--get out before you make the child mistake." I might still be a few days behind in the current thread, mentally.
Hunter @51: You realise you have just endorsed marital rape?
NO. The "assumption" is NOT that a co-habitant is REQUIRED to provide sex whenever their partner wants it, whether they are ill, asleep, stressed, or otherwise not in the mood. CONSENT is required even with a wedding ring.
When someone is asleep, THAT IS AN UNSPOKEN "CLOSED" TIME.

"Forlorn"? Seeking clarification is "forlorn"? I don't understand how you've read "forlornness" into my question. I asked because I suffer from insomnia, meaning that it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep at night after going to bed, and is consequently difficult for me to get up early in the mornings, as I haven't had as much sleep by then as I would like.

I do admit bias in that I do not like being woken up for sex, and I do not find sex enjoyable when I am not fully awake. But guess what? That's not clouding my advice; the LW has stated the very same dislike. I am not endorsing that Mrs INSOMNIA respect my wishes, I'm endorsing that she respect her husband's wishes.

All y'all who like sleepy sex are more than welcome to enjoy. SO LONG AS YOUR PARTNERS DO TOO.
Griz @52: Dan could probably have picked a better sign-off. Giving the LW the acronym "INSOMNIA" when his wife is the one who suffers from the insomnia could indeed be confusing.
BiDanFan @53, I think most married people manage to figure this out. There's no need for absolute rules like "When someone is asleep, THAT IS AN UNSPOKEN "CLOSED" TIME," let alone for yelling about it.

And both people don't need to like being woken for sex. God knows that me being happy to wake for a nursing didn't create a symmetrical need for me to wake my infant! So as long as A is happy to be woken for sex, their partner B can go ahead and act on that, even if B has communicated that B doesn't want to be woken for sex.

I think you missed my post where I suggested that INSOMNIA ask Mrs. INSOMNIA if it's okay if he wakes her when he comes to bed, so they can find out if that leads to good sex. But as I said @43, I'm not hopeful for that as a solution because she's the one with insomnia and probably won't find it easy to fall back to sleep.
@46 I don't date the wrong people, just people like anyone else.
I disagree Erica. Fan did have to yell, to get the point across to the sleaze bag@51 that his post was offensive.
Erica @55: My comments were addressed only to Hunter. I have no disagreement with anything anyone else has said about it. Everyone else seems to realise that wanting to be woken for sex is the exception rather than the rule and that this should be communicated rather than assumed.

Sportlandia @56: The behaviour you described is abusive. Abusers are the wrong people. I'm glad she's now an ex, but you seem to accept that your perfectly reasonable choice to say no to sex is "ammo in the argument gun" as a given worries me. No one, regardless of gender, should be "quarterheartedly fucking" someone as a preferable alternative to reprisals.
I have only one. "Don't be a dick."
Seems to the the correct way to prevent most of what happened to QUEEN -- sorry that happened, QUEEN... that really sucks -- would be for the hosts to institute a no-yellow-card rule. Fuck up once, and you are out the door, whether you brought the liquor or not.

BTW, I agree with those who say this asshole brought the liquor in the first place as leverage. You don't have to accept that gambit from him. Either provide your own liquor as host, or make it clear that there are no special privileges when it comes to maintaining the comfort level of all present. Act like a skeevy bastard even once, and you're gone, and your investment in liquor is forfeit. (But seriously, just provide your own liquor. A shit like that is likely to have spiked his supply.)

Hosts should have a taser, and not be afraid to use it if the asshole doesn't leave immediately and contritely. Fuckwad can enjoy explaining to the police the reason why he got tased was because he put his fingers in the ass of someone who already told him no penetration, so he can have a rape charge added to his evening.
Probably not letting someone join in when you don't even know their name would be smart, too.

But the rest of the rules I mentioned above should work even for people that you know well.
In celebration of spring and now officially one third of the way done with symphony #2 (and with glowing reviews from one of my university professors already!!), I'm off for a road trip with my beloved VW. Hopefully Mother Nature and the PNW will offer us at least one day of sunshine to hit the beaches.
Congrats in advance to whomever hits the lucky magic number this week!
We're not even going to make it to the magic number this week? That's reruns for you.
NOBODY hit the magic number this week? WTF?
Not even reaching a hunsky?
@65 BiDanFan: This was a rerun?

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