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It's troubling that they tell us to stop worrying about getting off in order to get off more often. This strategy is not effective for me. I wonder how many women are neglecting their sexual needs as a result of this advice. I know I've personally done it far longer than I should have for one lifetime.
Advice to THREAT needs a caveat. The victim is a teenager, and has already demonstrated that she would rather weather the storm than attract attention to herself. A viral FB post, and especially a FB post brought to Dan Savage levels of viral, is almost certainly way more attention than the victim wants. There's a reason that mainstream media doesn't identify victims of sexual assault. While the perps behavior is deplorable and needs to be stopped, we don't get to unwillingly deputizd the victim in our effort.
THREAT should talk to the director or other responsible party and ask what the theater's policy is on harassment, and based on the reply, take action with the leadership directly, or if he doesn't feel that is going to work...
... THREAT should figure out what the peeps pressure points are and go for them.
"If you don't resign from the theater, I'm telling your wife/employer/mother/sister/whoever."
After he resigns, or if this is more confrontation than THREAT is comfortable with, he should figure out who he knows who is a mutual friend of someone in local law enforcement and report the behavior.
If there are several minor females in this production, THREAT should mention the victim is a minor.
If all else fails, place an anonymous tip that you know the perp has kiddie porn on his computer... He probably does.
ROOMIE: I'm with Dan. If you knew what you were getting into before moving in, it's his apartment / his rules.
THREAT: I hope you and your friend, along with the director, rest of the cast, and crew can get that sorry asshole ousted immediately and held accountable for his abuse.
If he's uptight about another's sexual gratification then he should just get the hell out now.
Also: I didn't realize that Whitehorse was that cool!
Nope. Keep doing the same thing, and you're likely to get the same results.
I really want to go off on Chivers' advice here. The suspect parts to me are "This is a temporary problem that will fix itself ... what she's experiencing is a completely normal and expected variation in sexual functioning that probably relates to stress ... Take vaginal orgasm off the table for at least a month ... If your vaginal orgasms don't return, and you're unhappy about that, consider connecting with a sex therapist in your area"
1) How many people have you met who stopped orgasming for a year during partnered sex then started having a good sex life with that same partner? My guess is none. 2) No it's not normal to stop having orgasms with your partner for a fucking year. 3) If her orgasms are off the table for a month, his orgasms should be off the table for a month too. Accidents on both sides are ok I hope but the pattern that he comes, she doesn't is the problem, not the solution. 4) She wrote the stupid letter because she's unhappy about it! I would be too! Have you never orgasmed all the time with a partner, or do you simply have no empathy? /end rant
How about let's apply the same advice that we'd give guys, without questioning whether it's a problem for them to stop orgasming, or telling them to keep having non orgasmic sex, it'll get better eventually trust me.
What changed that first time you had sex but didn't come? I think something changed and she didn't worry about it and now there's a bad precedent. Maybe she had sex with him without being horny because "that's what a wife does". Maybe she got out of it and kept going because "that's what a wife does". Maybe she stops getting into it after he orgasms because "that's what a wife does". Maybe she could be the kind of wife with a great sex life instead of following whatever proscription is ailing her.
Or we could give her this classic instead of assigning her nonorgasmic sex+unrealistic hope.. If you can orgasm solo, baby step into orgasming around him solo (he's outside the room, inside the room, on the bed), baby step into getting yourself off while sucking his dick, then while he's rimming you or fucking you..
ROOMIE - these "rituals" make me uncomfortable and I worry they're getting off from my witnessing them
You could find another place to live, stop watching him answer the door, spend less time at home, get a girlfriend of your own, develop a sense of humor about it.. Your landlord was direct about some femdom happening in common areas, he's shown you the precedent, you can try to work with it or leave... if you're angry, you might be having trouble deciding your own boundaries, and what might make you the most comfortable.. friends can be great soundboards.. it's ok to say you're uncomfortable with the arrangement and leave, but the landlord has done nothing wrong I can see.
THREATS - What advice would you have on how she gets out of this situation?
She should learn how to say no firmly, and likewise defend herself physically. What is the threat? That he'll throw a fit and embarass her? Wouldn't that just be embarassing himself? If he wants to be a jerk, she isn't responsible for protecting the rest of the world from his jerkiness like some martyr. Maybe she's complaining but by obeying him she's saying that she respects him and appreciates the attention. Maybe she needs to learn that she isn't going to like everyone, and how to be polite to people she doesn't like. Politely say no, politely ignore, etc.
THREATS: Definitely respond to anything creepy the guy says to her in your presence with things like "wow, that's really inappropriate," "woah, not okay, dude," "ok, that was creepy, cut it out, guy." Immediate and clear negative reinforcement for every single one of his actions will teach him that he needs to stop and her that what he's doing is not ok and she shouldn't put up with it. Also, enlist some of the older women in the group to help you with this and make sure he's never alone with her.
So maybe the OP should check in with herself about whether she's really on board with the engaged thing - but if she is, it may well be that everything returns to normal as soon as she can convince herself that things are indeed normal.
I guess your friend’s name is Boris and Dommess’ is Theresa.
I can understand the gist -- "don't freak out, just let it go" -- but don't understand why that wouldn't apply to all kids. Or maybe there's something else I'm missing?
Obviously, I'm not a parent.
But here goes: MOANS, since you *can* climax from masturbating, why don't you and your partner have intercourse in "spoons" position (is that a thing), so that he can reach around and rub while you are fucking?
But the roommate doesn't have to accommodate him, obviously. And he should be prepared for the possibility that bringing it up only makes things more awkward, so if the lower rent is worth it for you even if it continues, you'll want to modulate your approach accordingly, or not bring it up at all.
Prob #2 - Yeah, you're going to have to move eventually. When he warned you of small/subtle signs of D/s, did it occur to you to ask, "How small? How subtle?" My advice is stay out as much as possible. Only come home to sleep and shower until you can get your own place. Maybe get a second (or third) job so that you can afford London.
Prob #3 - The young one needs to go to someone in authority and say, "There's an old geezer in the cast who is trying to get into my knickers, and I'm underage." Believe me, in this highly litigious world the company will scramble to settle it. If their answer is to can the teenager, well, that sounds very illegal to me. I'd get a contingency lawyer pronto.
Bauhaus @23: THREAT refers to "an older member of the cast." I read it as everyone being in high school, with the "old geezer" in question being possibly 18 to the victim's maybe 14 or 15. Good point though -- particularly as it is currently summer, this could be a community theatre with all ages involved.
LW2, ROOMIE: Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't sound like either one of your roomies is forcing you to sit and gape at their domme/sub interactions. If it feels weird or uncomfortable or voyeuristic, just go into your own bedroom or leave the flat for a while. It's a lot cheaper than finding alternative accommodations in London, and as long as they aren't tying you to a chair and forcing you to watch, or otherwise coercing you into playing their games, what's the real harm to you?
LW3, THREAT: Having dabbled quite a bit in the theatre biz myself in my teens and twenties, I can testify that almost every company has at least one resident lech. These creeps place a high priority on getting into the pants of young girls and/or young boys in the company, and they work diligently at that goal whenever they are not rehearsing their lines. The youngster is particularly at risk if she is part of a resident summer theatre crew - far from parental oversight and the support and advice of peer-age friends. Fortunately most of the permanent members of the company are probably on to this guy, and all she needs to do is confide to the director (unless he's the lech) or another veteran cast member and they will read him the riot act - and also make sure he doesn't get to spend one-on-one time with her. Unfortunately he'll probably just switch his attention to the second-easiest piece of "fresh meat" if available, but at least THREAT's friend will be able to relax and enjoy the rest of her seasonal acting experience - she won't suffer any reprisals, even if it's the director or producer that's hitting on her. Warn her NOT to get drunk or drugged at any end-of-run cast parties, though.
ROOMIE: You really have no leverage and no recourse in this situation. First, I think you should stop focusing on the subtle stuff that you're clearly focusing upon and are not tuning out. Second, I would recommend you try to organize your schedule so as to minimize the amount of time you are in common areas of the apartment during the time your friend is typically engaged with his dominant. Third, perhaps you can also get a t.v. set up in your bedroom so that you can have a place to entertain yourself when your friend's dominant arrives or during periods in which their scene is less than subtle. Fourth, start dating and maybe you can have someone else's apartment to spend time in.
I would be very surprised if your friend is the only teenage girl experiencing this kind of behavior from that creep. She's probably not the first, and won't be the last if he gets away with it. A certain amount of appealing to her altruism, about this not being just about standing up for herself but also standing up for others, might help.
Answer me this: Why is that phenomenon tolerated? In other lines of work, that's called "sexual harassment" and it's grounds for discipline and/or dismissal.
Could this be the young person herself and she tried to camouflage her identity by signing off as an adult.
Sublime @26: How on earth is coming during 69 going to solve MOANS's problem of being no longer able to come during intercourse? She can have orgasms; she wasn't clear as to whether her husband is able to make her come in other ways, but her penultimate line "it's been almost a year since I came during vaginal intercourse" implies that he is. What's likely is that she is no longer coming when he comes, a magical experience that she understandably wants to get back.
I'm with the people who think the problem may be a change in birth control, or a psychological block. Perhaps she subconsciously thinks of sex with the guy she's been living in sin with as naughty and hot, but sex with her husband as her wifely duty and not hot. I think they should try putting some of the naughty back into sex -- doing it in different rooms, while watching porn, while talking dirty, while roleplaying -- and see if that gets her more turned on. And I agree with Dan's weed recommendation, not as a stress reducer, but as a means of heightening physical sensations. I know I come much more quickly and intensely when I am high.
I do agree that MOANS is particularly unhappy that she cannot orgasm from PIV sex alone.
Broadly speaking, everyone agrees on two possible root causes: (i) physiological issues (e.g., age, masturbation), including pharmacological issues (e.g., birth control) or (ii) psychological issues (e.g., stress, anxiety). As I wrote, above, MOANS should consider the physiological causes to her problems that others have suggested, but one way to investigate whether the cause is psychological is to find a way to address how her psychological state can impact her sexual function.
As I've written in the past concerning men who have erection issues with new partners, there is a complex interplay between the parasympathetic and sympathetic nerves that can upset normal sexual response when someone is under stress or anxious. Getting engaged and planning a wedding may have been a source of stress and anxiety that triggered MOANS sexual dysfunction with her husband (MOANS letter dates her issue to this time), after which the stress of not having partnered orgasms became its own source of stress.
What I am suggesting is for MOANS to occupy the conscious parts of her mind on one tasks, giving a blow job, while receiving sexual pleasure at the same time. In doing so, the sympathetic nervous system, which reacts to stress, and is responsible for stimulating activities associated with the fight-or-flight response, is unable to counteract the parasympathetic system, which is responsible for activities including sexual response. If stress and its effect on her nervous system is the root cause, MOANS could very well find that she can achieve a partnered orgasm in this way. Once she gets back in the groove of having partnered orgasms, she may find that translates to orgasms during PIV sex.
Thex @28, good question. The best answer I can give you, which is not very good, is that a resident theatre company more resembles a boarding school than a typical place of employment. Most of the cast lives and works communally, and new members have to find their appropriate place within a hierarchical pecking order that values longevity, talent, versatility, and good looks. I'm sure today's lech was once a preyed-upon young actor himself, and now he feels he's earned the right to proposition up-and-comers. (By the way, women in high-prestige positions also engage in theatre lechery - it's not restricted to dirty old men.) Good news-bad news: there will be no reprisals for THREAT's friend when she seeks help within the company to get her new "friend" from pressuring her for sex. But there will also be no reprisals for the offending company member. It all just gets handled quietly...literally behind the scenes, and everyone moves on. So it goes. I'm not condoning it - just telling you how it is.
In addition to these obvious power-imbalance relationships, hookups frequently occur between near-peers in age and experience. Theatre work requires people to strip away their protective facades and interact with raw, primal emotions. Playing a highly-charged scene with an attractive colleague can be a very powerful aphrodisiac. I'm glad I had the experience, because I got a great education at a fairly young age about the differences between pure lust, brilliant but short-lived NRE infatuation, and true, lasting love. (As well as how to deal with leches.)
Results from 69 may vary. I find it actually delays my orgasm when receiving oral. I can't come when I'm distracted -- by anything -- and a cock in the mouth is pretty distracting. Either way, it's a lot of fun and they should definitely incorporate it into their sexual repertoire if they aren't already!
Griz @34: Good question. It's difficult in London these days to find even a room in a shared flat for less than £650 a month, plus bills. My modest one-bedroom, which is reasonably central but certainly not in a posh part of town, would go for at least £1400 a month. Thank goodness I got onto the property ladder! Young people either have to live with their parents, in ever-tinier shoeboxes, or a long way out of the city. Thankfully there is good public transport.
Here are a few examples of what London landlords are getting away with:
Where are Mr. & Mrs. Bumble and the workhouse boys?
@38 & @39 marilynsue: Great idea for ROOMIE! I'd buy a copy. It sounds like it would make a fabulous Broadway play.
There are, it must be said, also quite decent places to be had. As with anywhere, if you want space, you swap it for location. But there is excellent public transport that runs 24 hours a day.
The problem with London is that it's incredibly huge, so if by swapping it for location, you mean living in Croydon or Slough... well I wouldn't. But I get your point. And yes, public transportation is excellent.
I'd say there's about a 99% chance that they're getting off specifically on having him witness these rituals and I don't think that's 100% cool However, before he moves out, I think ROOMIE should really try not being offended, befriend the girlfriend, and focus on exploiting the humor in the situation. Here's how I imagine that playing out.
ROOMIE: Dominique, can you order your slave to fetch me a beer and wash my laundry.
Dom: Slave! Do it now.
Sub: (In a grumpy tone) Yes, mistress.
There's an excellent chance the couple which has been delightedly getting turned on by forcing ROOMIE to watch them being so very clever and kinky won't like it if ROOMIE isn't made uncomfortable by it. They may even ask him to move out. But at least there's a chance that for a while he'll get his laundry done, beers fetched, etc. Also, by taking some control over how he experiences their efforts to involve him in their foreplay, he may stop being squicked out by it.
Ricardo @45: Oh, I wouldn't either -- I'm thankful to be single and child-free, so a 45m2 one-bedroom flat is plenty for me. (And I don't need a car, which saves me a small fortune.)
Griz @47: I'm glad you finally got your uterus sorted out, that does sound nightmarish! I'm lucky I've never had any ill side effects from the pill.
DCP @51: I agree with Dan that the deciding factor here is that Wealthy Sub warned ROOMIE that this would be happening, and ROOMIE agreed to pay that price of admission in exchange for cheap rent. So ROOMIE did consent, but is welcome to withdraw that consent now he sees he's not so okay with PDD (public displays of discipline) after all.
Week 4's assignment and lesson on MIDI Real Time (re MIDI CC controls, mainly MIDI CC11, Expression used for synthesizers and digital instruments) kicked my butt (not to panic--yet: I got a C for my most recent weekly effort, so I didn't fail outright but more that I turned my assignment in on time--but I'd like to fully comprehend the subject material and do better grade-wise--A's & B's preferably. I have been getting straight B's until now). My online instructor is stumped as to what I mean by not grasping last week's lesson; I have a shitload of material for this week for Week #5, including the mid-term, composing my own 2-3 MIDI piece. I am assigned required reading from the Logic Pro X 10.1 and from the Logic Pro X Users Guide and Instrument Guide, including how to design my own drum kit.
As a musician and composer I am thrilled to take this pre-req to Orchestration and Arranging for Film and Television course online through the Berklee School of Music through the VA....but...I am so much better at reading printed parts and scores (Score Editor is my new Logic Pro Best Friend)....and every time I see an oscillator it looks more like the cockpit of a Boeing 767. Please help me fly this airplane--I don't want to go down in flames!
and @52: I envy your ability to use BCPs without suffering from horrific side effects or uterine problems. I'm just glad that my own real-life hybrid equivalent of two Stephen King novels adapted for film: "Carrie" and "The Shining" is finally and mercifully over.
Roseanne Barr summed it up beautifully way back in an earlier episode of "Roseanne" when she told a distraught Darlene, who at age 12 had started her first period:
"You won't feel better for another 40 years."
I think I'd like to buy both Roseanne Barr and Sarah Gilbert each a beer.
To those arguing about the use of the word "subtle" by ROOMIE'S landlord: in the grand scope of BDSM, foot kissing is VERY SUBTLE. It's not like Domme is flogging the landlord in front of ROOMIE or doing anything to force ROOMIE'S participation.