butts poop. shit happens.
Well, if this indeed real, put on your big girl panties and ask him to use an enema. It's that simple.
Yeah, just have your supplies handy... Be prepared next time someone asks for a little poke-and-wiggle. Pause for a second to snap on a glove, slick it up and go for it.
It's striking how much less thought a 19+ year commitment:

>"he's not sure if he wants kids and I do"

gets than all the teeth-gnashing about ass play. Cause here's a little free, shoot-from-the-hip (but highly accurate) forecast:

What with all the nursing, diapers, lack of sleep, followed by teething and toddlerhood, parent-teacher conferences, minor medical crises, soccer-mom duties, supervising homework, worries about the kid's sex life, college costs, and then them moving back in with you till they're 32; most of your great ass play is behind you.
You could just accept that a bit of shit is the price of admission to ass play.

But if you don't want to buy that ticket, use your words and tell the guy that you don't mind fingerings his ass, so long as he has done due diligence to clean it out first.
Keep a box of disposable latex gloves next to the bed. That'll get you about 200 ass-fingerings for about four bucks.
Also, if you are an experienced ass player how have you never encountered a little poop before?
BTW, it's a splendid way of catching Hep A, so get that vaccination! Yeah, if you know there's going to be ass play and you don't clean up beforehand - that's pretty disreputable, IMHO. And cohabitation? Opposites do attract and they can get on each other nerves in close quarters. Same with people who are quite similar. Here's the question to ask before moving in: Can I live without him/her? When you're that deep into someone (and you should be deeply into someone if you are going to live together), then the small irritants are tolerable. And just be happy you found one another.
Why is this guy 'shitty', headline-writers? He is cute, fun and perfectly nice.

That said, I'm not sure I'd tell anyone to stick their finger up my ass while they were blowing me on our first night together.
She wasn't "very demanding" with him. She was "kind of demanding." Possibly because he's a new lover, he can't read her mind (duh!), and she has specific needs -- perhaps the standard amount of stimulation is actually painful for her, and in a case like that, there's no choice but to speak up.

FINGER, two words: rubber gloves. Or use a toy.

Harriet @9: The guy is literally shitty. His bum has shit in it. That's her issue. Geddit?
Agree, finger-in-the-arse is not something I'd consider a first-shag activity.
David @4: Agree. The butt play is a red herring. She's not that into him, she's looking for a near-term future baby daddy. She should quit this relationship before he gets attached and keep fishing.
Are you enjoying the hook ups (apart from the shitty finger)? Because if gettin' down with this fellow is anything other than white-hot melty goodness, the two of you don't sound particularly compatible. This sounds like a classic case of trying to talk yourself into a dude (something I recognize because I've been there many times).
Is there any way to clean inside an asshole besides an enema or douching?
I didn't read "touching me the way I like" to be a reference to in-bed, more like he does/doesn't offer his elbow, or he puts his hand conveniently too low on her back in public, something like that. As she's a Type A, well, they tend to be very demanding regardless of anything, so it doesn't send up a Red Flag. Maybe a millennial pink one, if you don't like how your guys does his thing, you don't like it. But it doesn't strike me a definitive deal-breaker.

There's gotta be a Santorum Corollary here - if the mixture of lube and fecal matter is sometimes but not always a byproduct of anal sex, it seems likely that no matter how hygienic this guy gets, a finger in the rectum always carries the risk of contacting fecal matter. If gay men who have frequent anal sex can't resolve the shit issue, how can anyone else dare hope?
"Is there any way to clean inside an asshole besides an enema or douching?"

Pooping. Getting regular (fiber, caffeine, exercise). Writing down when you got up, what you ate/drank, and when you pooped for a week or two to figure out your pattern if it's not obvious. Or a month. My boyfriend has been tracking his poops for at least a year now and can't figure it out. He poops every 1-5 days. It's a condition he's had since he was a kid. I go between 8 and 9 am every day: get up, eat breakfast, get to work, poop. Like clockwork. If my diet has been sloppy (more carbs and fats than usual and less exercise), then I might poop at 1 pm as well. But it's a clear pattern that leaves my butt available for action from 1 pm to around 7 am.

For most people, there's a clearly defined pattern. If you're not a 'clearly defined pattern' person, then fish around in your own ass an hour before sexy times to make sure you're empty. If you feel anything - anything at all! - or the finger comes out dirty, then use an enema/douche if you can't poop it out. No straining allowed!
chia seed pudding, dude

Well, technically you can take a specific supplement for gay men which i will not mention by name, but really, why the hell not eat a healthy snack that is chia pudding for the same effect for virtually the same money, at least in my neck of the woods. The preparation is like a minute tops.

After couple of days of chia-supplemented diet i kinda stopped needing to wipe. I mean, i still wipe, but the paper is clean. And everything is passed in a smooth and compact fashion.
Dan seems to assume any man that gets any feedback or direction from their female partner is a selfish clod. But why is that?

I had a partner who (i) did not want me to run my fingers through her hair, (ii) did not want me to touch her head in any way, (iii) wanted me to tell her directly into her ear when I was orgasming, (iv) did not want to 69 with her on top of me, (v) did not want me to take her bra off until she was lying down, (vi) wanted to wash our hands before sex, etc.

How do you know these rules and others if you’re not told?
@17 and simultaneously, that any man who gives feedback or direction is controlling. Dan's coins have tails on both sides.
Nope. Not fake. Real.

If it is indeed fake, congratulations to the LW. You fooled me.

Here's the part Dan had a problem with:

"Still, I was trying to be GGG. I noticed afterwards something under my nail but sometimes I can just get stuff under there during day so I ignored it."

No, she would not necessarily sniff it or freak out if she regularly has dirty nails, if it truly was a tiny amount, and if she was distracted by passion or whatever. And remember, denial could be a factor too: OH I WAS ONLY SHOVING MY FINGER UP A MAN'S ASS IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE POOP ON IT
@10. BiDanFan. Morally he is not shitty. I am a bit shitty when I get the trots (ah, the joys of the English vernacular). I make no bones about being so shitty. But it doesn't make me a shitty person.

I don't actually see shit as being so bad. It's homophobic to think so.
*sigh* Get yourself some medical/food service gloves and some lube/vaseline. Seriously. How is anyone surprised by the fact that butts have poop in them? That's where the poop comes from, LW.

Kids today, I tells ya!
Sublime @17: Exactly, thank you! He's not getting it wrong because he's tone deaf, he's getting it wrong because he's never had sex with this particular woman before. We have to LEARN each other's bodies and we do that both verbally and non-verbally.

Harriet @21: Where in the headline does it say "morally shitty"? I really think this particular objection is a sense of humour fail on your part. Let it go.

And how is shit homophobic when everyone, of every gender and orientation, has an asshole? I've read in SL about gay men who insist that they, and their partners, enema each and every time, and known straight and bi people who aren't at all fussed, they just keep gloves and wipes handy.
@18: laff

@19: The level of interest you have in a partner definitely affects your ability to tolerate this sort of thing. I don’t think it’s at all fake, just that her seeing this under the relationship equivalent of unflattering fluorescent light is masking how she feels about him specifically, less so the act.
Wake up and smell the (uh...) coffee. You're not into this guy for several legitimate reasons. Get out while the gettin's good. 5 dates is definitely the time to say, "Sorry, I gave it the old college try, but I'm just not feelin' it with you. You're a good guy, just not my good guy. Best wishes."
I'm a little disappointed that you didn't say the "onus is on his anus" anywhere in this response.
most of your great ass play is behind you.
I don't know if that pun was intended or not, but bravo!
@23: “And how is shit homophobic when everyone, of every gender and orientation, has an asshole?”

I find that silly as well, however this timely tweet on people too homophobic to clean their bottoms made me horror-laugh:…
Quick disgusting question...

I know gay guys are more likely to have an anal douching regiment in general than are straight folks, but it's been my experience that if you stick your finger up a straight guy's ass- even when their anal cavity is empty and they have properly washed their ass (though not douched, just washed)- then if you immediately sniff your finger afterwards it will faintly smell of shit even though your finger is clean and there is nothing under your fingernail and no fecal matter. I mean, does this say something bad about the hygiene of my partners? It seems pretty normal to me.

I'm just saying this because it seems that Dan's disbelief here that the letter is real is based on the idea that a clean anal cavity is going to smell like roses, and that might be influenced by the fact that gay guys are more likely to douche, right? I don't mean it's a gross overpowering smell, but certainly if I smell my finger, I know where it's been.

I'd say if she chooses to stay with this guy or not should have almost nothing to do with the dirty anal cavity. She should decide, independently of that, if she wants to continue this relationship. Then if she does, she should tell him that he needs to douche and that he needs to not suggest anal play unless he's sure he's empty. In a gentle and non-shaming way and all that.
Emma @29: News flash, even *gasp!* women's assholes smell like assholes.
Urgutha @27 "I don't know if that pun was intended or not, but bravo!"

It just sort of came out.
Ha ha BDF- no way. Women don't poop!

No seriously I'm sure, but I've never stuck my finger up a woman's asshole, lol. It was just weird to me that Dan thought the letter must be a fake b/c otherwise she would've smelled her finger to tell- like regardless of whether or not the black speck was poop, surely her finger would've smelled like it anyway so that resolves nothing.
I agree with the basic advice — it seems like she kind of likes him but this has very low long term potential.

But I’m chiming in because it’s interesting how, in these letters, the answers often hang on statements that are too vague to be meaningful. I took her statement about being uncomfortable as stemming from his having honored her requests after she was kind of demanding — for unspecified reasons (around scheduling and sexual pleasure). How a person should respond depends entirely on the reasonableness of the demands. LW doesn’t seem to have a problem with how he has responded to these demands, and given the lack of information provided, neither should Dan.

None of which changes the fact that the advice is sound: be kind, but say goodbye. Incompatibility with a hygiene issue thrown into the mix — no good is going to come of that.
@32: Eh, odd back and forth to get into (and it really doesn’t matter for the sake of the LW) but I’ve never found hygienic butts to smell that strongly of poo. Poop smells rather unmistakeably like poop :P
I was joking @23 BiDanFan. I was being ironic.
@29. Ayn. I'd think a moralized distaste for shit homophobic precisely because gay men's ass play is typically not grossly fecal. The distaste is in ignorance of the wide range of sexual practices involving bottoms, gay and straight, very many of which seek to minimize shit.
Harriet @35: Winkyface emoticons, dearie. ;)
@37. I don't know what the one with the 'p' at the end means. It's always looked oddly frisky to me-- ;-p !
@36: So even the process of minimizing the fecal matter involved in anal sex among queer persons is some form of internalized homophobia?

Ultimately though it’s your view and I can’t argue with how you personally see it. Thanks for the answer!
@39. Ayn. I can find it antsy among gays--but I wasn't quite saying that douching was a form of internalized homophobia.

To give a perspective that won't be unique and is recognisably queer, I find douching a bind, but can accept it as a normal part of a daily routine, while I find preparing to tuck soul-destroying.

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