Savage Love Nov 8, 2017 at 4:00 am

The Daddy Files

Joe Newton


On the plus side, ASHAMED, our culture is far less harsh on the older-man-younger-woman dynamic than it is on the older-woman-younger-man one. People may assume that your boyfriend's predatory and they may assume that you're a gold digger, but there's far more precedent for your age/gender imbalance that ring the "happily ever after" bell for many people.

Sunday would have been the love of my life's 65th birthday; he died suddenly at 62. If life gives you happiness, I'm inclined to tell you to grab it and hold onto it as long as you can.
LW1’s “Two daddies” is confusing. The other guy is the Daddy, not him. It sounds more like he is changing their primary relationship to the Daddy-baby model than that they are formally opening it to the other guy. Can a cuckold also be a daddy? And to Dan’s point, isn’t he kind of already in a poly relationship whether he admits it or not?
Even in the kink scene, DD/lg, and it’s gender variations, evokes a fair bit of disapproval, which baffles me given people’s acceptance of impact play, bondage, D/s, M/s, consensual nonconsent, humiliation play, and a range of other kinks and relationship dynamics. I also find it rather sad, as DD/lg seems to add a leavening of sweetness to what can otherwise be the rather grim aspects of D/s.

Do littles sometimes break out their kink a bit unexpectedly? Yes, that can happen, particularly if you convey the maturity of a Daddy-type. And I had a little ask if she could call me Daddy in the middle of sex. Unlike the DADDI, I don’t really see that as a consent violation.
@1 nocutename: Congratulations on being first this week. I'm sorry to read about your loss, however. My heartfelt condolences.
@1 nocutename: And I agree wholeheartedly with you regarding when life gives you happiness, hold onto it as long as you can.
Now this is what I call classic Savage Love! Nothing life or death, a little whacky, but still real. Just the perk-me-up I needed. I hope everything works out for everyone's benefit.
Dan the Man, I second gbrooks @6---also thank you for a needed perk-me-up this week.
Thank heaven for Savage Love. Kudos!
@1 sorry for your loss; wise advise for the LW. Always like to read your thoughtful comments.
@2: Yeah, I would think the cuckold is going to be the s, not the D. And the other relationship possibly her primary, considering. Really hard to guess based on a lack of her voice here.
"LW1’s “Two daddies” is confusing."

Absolutely; I wondered if they were fantasizing about the wife finding a *new* third partner to ALSO be daddy.

I also wonder if Dan isn't at least a bit wrong about "daddy" not being fantasy/eroticised incest. (Though obviously he's correct that they don't actually want to do incest.) Dan has in the past exhibited a blind spot WRT incest fantasy, and I suspect this is a remnant.
@9. UndeadAyn. I agree that the issue has to be what form of relationship configuration the wife wants. She seemed to want keeping her infrequent (?) sex with her daddy-boss secret from her husband. (She was honest about having a Daddy somewhere). Does she want a fully consensual, negotiated relationship in the open?
Thank you, auntie griz and delta35.
@2/Fresh: "Can a cuckold also be a daddy?"

Certainly you can appreciate that people can be switches? In such a dynamic, the Daddy figure isn't a dominant rule maker and enforcer, but is more a pushover, where daddy's little girl has him wrapped around her finger. Perhaps she sweetly promises to be "good" and not "play" with boys, but she can't help herself, and continues to humiliate and cuckold daddy from time-to-time. Moreover, DD/lg isn't just about control or power. It's also about guiding the little and making the little feel safe and secure, and the LW may be drawn to those aspects of DD/lg, rather than power wielding aspects.

Like all relationships with power dynamics, part of the thrill is playing with the intensity of the power differential. Even for couples who don't want to switch, there is excitement going from near equality to varying depths of inequality. For example, a little could be treated like a "big girl" only for her to overstep her bounds and be put back in her place through punishment and discipline. That's one part of what keeps relationships predicated on power dynamics fresh over time.

In the dynamic LW envisions, he may be a dominant figure most of the time (or not), but switch to a submissive role as she freely explores her sexual freedom with her other Daddy and possibly other men. That may be an atypical (or less typical) variant of the DD/lg dynamic, but I see nothing that would make it inherently unstable.

Continue the discussion of the first letter with it's author here:
Overseen on Twitter:
"y'all ruining the word 'daddy'. my kids gonna have to call me 'bruh' or something."
I have never once asked anyone to call me Daddy but you might be surprised how common that is. I have had at least half a dozen partners, from 23 to 48, that have been inclined to want to call me Daddy. I am fairly in control in the sack and once I got used to it, heck, if having a sex partner they can call Daddy helps wind em up a little further, then who am I to deny?
Nocute @ 1
Sorry for your loss.
As for your observation, while most of the older/younger het relationships still involve an older male, the perception balance may shift in favor of the older female/younger man nowadays.
You mentioned some negative connotations associated with the first one. I can think of “strong minded/adventurous/young at heart” adjectives used when it comes to a woman dating a younger man. Surely there’s also “immature slut,” yet most will assume an older female/younger man relationships to be mutually agreed upon, as opposed to a potentially abusive one when the man is the older half.

A follow up to observations that when it comes to describing people "girl," "daddy," and plenty of other terms are not meant literally. I've known quite a few women who do not have children but describe themselves as MILFs, and of course plenty of Leather Daddies have no children.
The whole Daddy thing freaked me out when I was called it. Big turn off. It wasn't until later (and after the relationship had ended, in part for this reason) that I realized it was meant playfully and not literally.
@Dan the Man, LWs and commenters: Okay--I realize that this is a bit off topic again, shying away from the Daddy issues this week, but I have two things on my mind that griz can't yet shake off:
1.) I finally kept my promise to loyally support ITMFA, Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, etc., placed my online order and will proudly wear my ITMFA flag pin and tank top.
2.) After an infinitely better election this week (HOORAY that the state senate flipped back to the Dems with Manka Dinghra's victory in the 45th District and the West Coast is a solid blue wall!!) I had to raise a glass or three in celebration last night.

Back to this week's The Daddy Files, although I don't have anything to add.
As the father of two daughters, being called “daddy” by my sex partner would feel like stepping into a barrel of pig shit, just, “Ewwww.” Don’t need any connotation of screwing my kid, even if it is “just an expression”.
Whenever I've been called "daddy" by a sex partner, it was a younger man who turned out to be looking for a surrogate father figure. It's not a role I want to play at all and I don't appreciate it being imposed on me. From the moment I hear it, I know exactly a) how that person wants the relationship to go, and b) that this person isn't much concerned about how I want it to go. It's a total and instant turn-off, and I now immediately stop seeing/talking to anyone who calls me that.

So, everyone, avoid doing it unless that dynamic is clearly established as part of the relationship. It's not cool.
Following from 23, I say "this person isn't much concerned about how I want it to go" because every time I meet a younger person for sex (which I generally try to avoid, but my hormones sometimes get the better of me), I make it very clear from the very beginning that If I wanted a son, I'd have adopted one.
@22 DonnyKlicious and @23 & @24 Ricardo: I fully agree with you both regarding the "daddy" label and its intended use(s), and share your "ewwwws". I find the "the older woman / "sugarmama" labels equally unappealing.
@25: Seriously---I have dined out with younger male musicians and colleagues before, getting scornful looks by other restaurant patrons as if we're about to get a room soon afterward (why I refuse to eat in a bar when by myself) rather than simply enjoy a meal out! I hate getting the wrong impression.
I really do hate society's double standard and unfair view of a woman dining alone. If she's in a restaurant dining room alone, people just assume she's there to eat. If she's in a bar, she's supposed to spread her legs for any rape minded sociopath who asks.
AG Why not just order the food to go? I want to enjoy the food with friends without all of the things that make dining out such a joy. I want to talk freely without being overheard by strangers. I do not need to hear about someone else's problems. People who feel compelled to talk *usually loudly" on their cell phones. etc. ad nauseum
@28 a skeptic and a cynic: I still enjoy occasionally being waited upon. But yeah--cell phones are a drag, and have no place in concert halls or theaters.
@28: You'll be happy to know that, if we ever happen to by chance meet in a restaurant seated at nearby tables, I do not own a cell phone, smartphone, or a mobile.

To all who have served: Happy Veteran's Day and thank you (I am a Gulf War veteran). I checked out Veteran's Day meal specials and freebies. What price "free" when one has dietary issues and the only restaurants honoring veterans are chains at the north end of town that have high salt, deep fat fried, high cholesterol, and sugar (although some places like The Olive Garden are offering lighter menus)? I went to the local community co-op instead for healthy fare. Although I still had to pay for lunch (what the hell--I bought groceries there, too, to bring home) it was good to get out for a bit.
@Dan, LWS and fellow commenters---back to The Daddy Files.
Next commenter, please.
No further comments? I hope I didn't chase everyone away.
Okay--Dan, LWs and fellow commenters, I will join in on next week's Savage Love.
I'm lightly confused by the Cuckhold / Daddy / Bi guy. 1. No bi in the whole scenario 2. If you're a cuck, isn't the idea that your wife is cheating on you a thrill? And isn't it being forbidden and wrong 90% of the thrill? 3. It's all shits and giggles until other Daddy's wife finds out, divorces him, and ruins the business. Just saying
30 year old woman in love with OLD GUY -- he doesn't have many good years left. Marrying him may make you his nurse for a good ten years. But then again, there may be a good inheritance.

Gay Daddy Thing. I'm an older gay man and I get a LOT of younger attractive guys. Don't overanalyze, just enjoy.
@28 a skeptic and a cynic (re my comment @29): I agree with you on being able to speak freely while dining without outside disruption, although I feel it's still nice to get out once in a while. Slight correction. I meant to add "....cell phones and excessively loud headphones are a drag, and have no place in concert halls, theaters, restaurants or on public transportation."
Seriously, people. If EVERYbody can hear you along with whomever you're talking to, or the garbage you've got blasting on your ear buds has a bass level equal to a sonic boom, lower the volume!
Okay. 'Nuff said. Griz is shutting up until next week's Savage Love installation.
Belated greetings all, I've been away visiting family and without much spare time for online amusements. Now back in Blighty with loads to catch up on, but look forward to a new column next week. Cheers!
@37 BiDanFan: Good to have you back! Catch you and everyone in next week's upcoming Savage Love.

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