I’m a twenty-something straight woman. About a month ago, I had a really vivid dream in which I was at a party and engaging with a guy I had just met. We were sharing deep conversation and laughter, and in general seriously flirting, but with no physical contact. Then, my fiancé showed up—my real, flesh-and-blood, sleeping-next-to-me-while-I-was-dreaming-this-dream fiancé, who we’ll call G. In the dream, I proceed to shower G with attention and PDA; I was all over G in a way we don’t typically express in public in the real world. And I was clearly doing it to get a reaction from the guy I’d just spent the last dream-hour practically seducing. It was as if it had been my plan all along. Last night I had a similar dream. This time I recognized the guy as an old high school boyfriend, but otherwise it was the same flirty baiting, followed by use of G to reject and humiliate this other guy.

Dan, I was really turned on by these dreams. In real life, whenever another woman has flirted with G, I get aroused—conscious of some feelings of jealousy, but drawing pleasure from them. And when other men have flirted with me, I get similarly aroused for G, and there is definitely a component in that arousal that wants to tease and mock these other men with what they can’t have, even though the teasing is just in my head. I would never EVER use another person like I do in these dreams/fantasies, because it’s terribly cruel. But could this become a healthy role-playing outlet for G and I? Are there ethical implications to hurting strangers (albeit imaginary ones) for sexual pleasure? From what little I know of degradation/humiliation kinks, it’s important that the one being degraded is experiencing pleasure and satisfaction. Is it healthy to make someone’s (again, an imaginary someone’s) unwilling pain a part of our pleasure?

If G is into it, this would be our first foray into a scripted kink/fantasy/role-playing/whatever. But I worry that I might be poisoning the well by pursuing something so mean-spirited.

My Extra-Arousing Meanness

It's very nearly Thanksgiving, MEAN, and you should give thanks to your smutty dream-brain for surfacing and fleshing out this fantasy and then get busy realizing it. A good way to give thanks? And to realize this fantasy? Without hurting anyone? Fuck your fiancé's brains out after flirting with and subsequently humiliating a willing third—and maybe let your humiliated/discarded third watch you two fuck. That way, MEAN, there will be something in helping you two realize this fantasy for your humiliated/discarded/horny third—who would ideally be an active, fully-informed, fully consenting participant who feels lucky to be included, not some schmuck you took advantage of.

But first, MEAN, give some thought to what exactly turns you on about this. Obviously it turns you on to see your partner through another's eyes—when someone else wants to fuck him, you want to fuck him that much more. As for the power play aspects of your fantasy, is it teasing and humiliating a third that turns you on? (Yes, obviously, it is.) Does your turn-on go away if the third is a willing participant? And how do you feel about threesomes? Threesomes don't have to involve intercourse or outercourse or any other sort of 'course, of course. Bringing someone else along on this particular ride—someone who gets off on the idea of being humiliated—counts as a threesome, even if all your third "gets" to do is be ditched in a bar with his dick in his hands. Or, hey, maybe your third can watch and/or listen while your fiancé gets to do what you cruelly led him to believe he might get to do, i.e. fuck your brains out, and the humiliation games can continue all night. Not into any sort of threesome? Well, flirting is just flirting—it's not a binding contract—and there's no law that requires all flirtations to be strictly sincere and/or immediately actionable. A little casual flirtation with someone else before your fiancé rolls in is permissible—but to avoid being mean, MEAN, you'll have to let the other person know early on that you have a fiancé, that this flirtation isn't going anywhere, and not be too over the top with the PDA after your fiancé arrives.

But first, MEAN, you're going to have to talk with G about your fantasy. You could start with a little roleplaying around the scenario. Then, once you've established what you and G are looking for, advertise for that willing third. The internet was invented to help realize fantasies just like yours. You aren't "poisoning the well by pursuing something so "mean-spirited," MEAN, so long as your third is consenting to the play. And if you're worried it won't be as much fun if your victim is a willing participant, MEAN, remember there will be witnesses, i.e. other people in the bar who won't know it was a set up and in their eyes you will be cruelly humiliating this poor schmuck. So there's no need to shred some stranger's ego and ruin his night when there are loads of subs and cucks and regular horny dudes out there who would be very willing to participate. Don't believe me? Scrounge through our (poorly organized) archives.