Long time reader, first time writer. I was raised conservative, still am in many ways (not politically), and find it hard to talk about kinks. There are a couple things I really want in a partner and relationship, and I want advice on how to find someone who shares those kinks.

Women who don't shave their legs or armpits turn me on more than anything. It's a sign of rejection of societal norms, of self-confidence, it's beautiful, and it sets off some primitive instinct: "She's ready to mate. Make babies!" This is obviously still rare, which makes it all the better and all the more frustrating. I also love power play like consensual non-consent (CNC), but I'm a total switch, so I really need to feel dominated, too. A woman to slap me around and call me mean names while pegging me, which I had with a girl about eight years ago, just fills that need. It makes me feel owned yet loved, in the sense that a girl who likes receiving CNC would also feel owned yet loved: in a comforting way. Plus receiving anal is all-around amazing. But I gotta be going about this wrong. I start dating, open up after a month or two, and then the girl effectively refuses. I respect that many women don't want this, but I'm looking for someone who does want to play like this, so I end the relationship.

How do I find someone who shares this kink?

I mean, finding a girl who already doesn't shave is probably a good start for that one. And maybe a girl who already takes action to reject societal norms would be more open to rejecting the idea that men should always be doing the penetration or being in charge, or other role-play.

But I'm a conservative-looking 28-year-old professional consultant in a new city, and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know a lot of people here, and the ones I know are middle-of-the-road or conservative; certainly not the type of people who could make introductions. I'm also a bit in the closet about these things—my good friends know, but my family and coworkers don't need to, and I don't want my Tinder page to have my company or my kinks.

Do I need to "come-out"? Do I move to the LGBTQ-friendly part of town? Do I start openly identifying as queer? Am I even queer? Do I need to reanalyze my hesitation to date an MTF and look for a long-term vers/top so I can start playing catcher? Is that not just innately dishonest because I'm really looking for a cis girl who pitches? Do I get a different haircut or grow a big beard or change my style? Do I join FetLife? Or do I simply have to keep trying and going on dates until I meet the right girl?

Passes As Normative Introverted Conservative

Oh, straight people and your anxieties about your kinks. It's darling.

My quick advice for you, PANIC, would be to list exactly what you're looking for on kink dating apps/websites—just put it out there—and keep it PG13ish on mainstream dating apps/websites (but maybe mention you're GGG and/or sexually adventurous and seeking same). If you meet someone through a kink app/site (like FetLife), you can prioritize convos about your (hopefully) shared kinks. If you meet someone through a normal/muggle app/site, you should let them get to know you a bit before laying your kink cards on the table. Or, hell, you could let it all hang out on any/every dating app/site. I mean, have you ever been on Grindr or Scruff? Cocksuckers get right to the point. And you know what? We're a lot likelier to find exactly what we're looking for. And why are we gays so open about our kinks? And therefore so much more likely to find sex/life partners who share them? Because gay people—openly gay ones, not messy/methy closet cases—long ago looked their parents in the eyes and said, "I'm a cocksucker." Telling strangers on the Internet you're into piss or pits or parasols isn't anywhere near as scary as telling mom you put dicks in your mouth.

Now there isn't someone out there for everyone—some people do wind up alone—and we don't get everything we want in a partner, PANIC. Maybe you'll find a nice girl with hair everywhere who isn't into pegging or a girl who's into pegging but suffers neck-down alopecia. But there are lots of examples out there of accommodating, indulgent, GGG partners meeting the needs of the kinksters they fell in love with. (Remember the girlfriend who was interested in exploring her boyfriend's vore fetish? That's some above-and-beyond GGG'ing.) Finding someone who's into BDSM, pegging, TPE, CNC, etc., is going to extend and complicate your search... but the rewards will be worth the effort in the/your end, even if you don't get everything you want. Which you won't. And remember: GGG is a two-way street. If you meet someone willing to meet your needs, PANIC, meeting their needs—even if all they need is under-the-covers vanilla missionary—is both loving and in your own best interests. (Don't be this asshole.)

Finding the right person/persons is hard for everyone/everyones—kinky or vanilla, straight or queer, hypersexual or gray ace. Like anyone trying to find the right gal/guy/Mistress/slave/sexbot/whatever, moving on all fronts increases your odds of success. So should you join FetLife? Absolutely. Should you be on other dating apps/sites? Yes, all of them. Should you be on be upfront about what you're into early on? Definitely. Will you encounter rejection and face disappointment? Of course you will. But 100% vanilla people come in for their fair share of rejection/disappointment too, PANIC, so this isn't a cross kinky people alone have to bear.

Finally, PANIC, if you're contemplating moving to an LGBTQ-friendly part of town just to waste the time of trans women... yeah, no. You're straight and trans women are women and some women have penises and there's nothing gay about a straight man getting his ass fucked by a straight trans woman (with a strap-on or her dick) and blah blah smash the gender binary blah. But if the difficulty of finding a cis women into fucking your ass is the only reason you'd contemplate dating a trans woman... yeah, no. Don't do that. Be open to all women, cis and trans, and you may find someone sooner. But trans women aren't consolation prizes handed out in LGBTQ-friendly 'hoods to straight cis guys who've given up on cis women.