Finally! Someone who isn't having more sex than me!

Coworker sex—first off I’m totally jealous.
Second, how close are you two on the org chart? Not direct reports? Different departments?
I regret I haven’t had a chance to prove how many coworkers I could screw on a desk without disrupting productivity or morale.

Omg. Pls keep your fluids at home/sex club/hotel room/other place where people trying to earn a living aren't going to become unwilling spectators.

Just a heads up to the women having sex with her coworker. You might be shocked how quickly others in the office will work out what's going on.
I was doing a guy I worked with years ago and a woman in the office clued in straight away based on our body language. This didn't cause any problems, tho it could have.
Something to keep in mind.

For OOOPS: Many domestic violence situations start with a man's anger about a woman's pregnancy: https://www.domesticshelters.org/domesti…

He may have left, but he presumably can find you. He is already angry and controlling. This letter read like a huge red flag. Take your personal safety very seriously when dealing with the father. The impending financial obligation is also a trigger. For examples, search for "woman killed over child support."

SOAPY, our esteemed columnist missed something important; your lady friend should have her hormones checked. If she is low on the female normal for testosterone (women need testosterone in order to feel desire), then it is a matter of hormone replacement. I know this for a fact: at one point I had no desire, and mentioned it to my doctor. She prescribed testosterone cream, and I had the script filled at my local Costco. It turned out they had never done this before (usually it is done by a compounding pharmacy). Wow! After a few days I was, well, on fire (as in, had to have an orgasm, now!). For some reason I got tested by a pharmacist who knew hormone replacement therapy and it turned out I was getting like 3 times the testosterone that women should have. That must be what it is like to be a teenage male. I told a few female friends about "my funny story" and that jar of cream from Costco became legendary.

So before you make a major change, gently ask her to talk to her doctor about it; she may want to see a functional medicine practitioner (I now go to a wonderful naturopath).

Now that everyone carries video cameras around all the time, is it unreasonable to say that couples in a DADT open relationship should produce a video clip where both partners state the terms of their relationship, which they can play to prospective partners in just this sort of situation?

That would probably also have the useful side-effect of forcing both of them to vocalise explicitly what's allowed and what's not. I guess it's a bit of a giveaway if you turn to your doesn't-want-to-know partner and ask for such a video after being in the open relationship for a while, but are there any other pitfalls I haven't spotted?

The fact that SOAPY's girlfriend said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" should tell him all he needs to know. Break up and move on. It's clear he feels bad about all of this but speaking from experience, nothing will improve.

Re: the woman who is pregnant: dude chose not to wear a condom. That was his time to make a choice and he fucked up. He was willing to take the risk because he wasn't the one who was going to get pregnant. And now he wants to act like he has a say. To repeat the original point, the time for him to have a say was when he chose not to wear a condom or engage in a discussion about various birth control options.

When the person in question is making little speeches like "I love you but I am not in love with you," that's not something that can be solved with hormone replacement. (Jesus, dude, she gave you that speech on your birthday? There's not a person on the planet who would have blamed you if you broke up with her on the spot, for that.)

"She says, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested." "

That should be your cue to say, "Okay, then...in that case my sex life is none of your concern. If you are not interested, then you are not interested. You're off the hook, but non-participants don't get a vote. That's all I'm going to say on the topic."

@8: The guy has exercised exactly as much say as he is allotted, and has since walked away as much as possible. Dan has the right of it. She can force him to be a financial contributor, but she can't force him to be a father. If those odds are unappealing to her, nobody is making her go through with the pregnancy.

The way she glossed over that is kind of alarming, by the way. "I feel like we'd be great parents." Ho-lee shit. You don't get to decide for him whether he'd make a great dad. In case you didn't notice, the way he quick-marched away from fatherhood like someone had lit a match in his ass kind of contradicts your rosy assessment of him. Did you decide on the pregnancy on your own say-so, too? Maybe leave him with the wrong impression about you being on The Pill, because you thought you and he would make great parents?

Yes, you have the right to continue the pregnancy. That doesn't necessarily mean that it would be a good idea.

SOAPY How long have you been in a relationship with your roommate? How long have you been living together? Presumably at some point she had more than just as passing interest in sex with you. If not, why the hell did you move in with her or have her move in with you. Did her disinterest in you sex occur gradually or abruptly. How long after you began living together did her disinterest in sex with begin. Possibilities: 1) She used sex to get you to live together (if so, be glad it wasn't marriage) and was she never really that into you (love and/or sex). 2) She is not interested in sex with you because she is getting all the sex she wants, needs, desires elsewhere. 3) As was pointed by msmaple there may be medical issues involved. Yes, she should have not only her hormones, but she needs a full medical examination. Couples counseling should be considered. (These are not the only possibilities, but lacking more information on the state and development your relationship I gave these as not unrealistic possibilities.) To paraphrase avast2006 "it is, what it is". Personally I wouldn't waste any more time and effort (all that you will get if you do is more heartache) It would be different if she was "in love" with you, but she isn't (Sheesh, telling you that on your birthday displays a callous disregard for your feelings) Move on, you deserve at the least a decent emotional and sex life and someone who "IS" in love with you. It doesn't necessary mean you or her have to move out. Just treat her like any other room mate that you are friends with (or some one you aren't friends with anymore) Hopefully there is more than one bedroom in your apartment or house. If she gets bent out shape because you bring other women to have with, that is her problem not yours. I hope you didn't buy a house together or that, that you can afford the monthly rent or mortgage payments, or you either have a short term lease or an understanding landlord.)

LW1 should get out of that relationship. He should not offer ultimatums because even if she did start resentfully fucking him (or jerking him off), he is not going to ever have even a half decent sexual or emotional life in that relationship. Honestly, I can't figure out why he's still there.

LW2 should have an abortion. Dan probably doesn't feel that he can say that either because he's a man or because he's trying to give really gentle advice. But I'm not a man or an advice columnist, so I'm going to say it. You are being selfish to everyone- the child, the man, the man's family, your own future self- if you don't have an abortion. You are a grown ass woman. You got pregnant unexpectedly and that sucks. You do not state that you have any desire or talent for an experience that is going to create another human being (a real roll of the dice in and of itself), cost you and him hundreds of thousands of dollars, and change both of your lives (health, career options, future relationships, freedom of moving around) forever. FOREVER. The only thing you say is it's against your religious beliefs (which are delusional or fundamentalist interpretations, btw) and that you think you two would make great parents- this despite the fact that the man HAS MOVED OUT and told you HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A PARENT. Take a long hard look at real life reality, and not the dream of parenthood in your head. Even people who plan for parenthood and are ready for it and who have solid relationships find it a very challenging experience. Anyway... all that aside, in terms of morality (which seems to be your main reason for wanting to have children), it is far less ethical to impose fatherhood and the expense of it on this man than it is to have an abortion now. Though I agree that life is unfair and biology is what it is and as there is no perfect alternative, he will be legally responsible to pay for his half of this new person you are hell-bent on bringing into the world, but that's it. As Dan said, you will not be getting a partner nor will your baby be getting a father. Why in god's name would you want to do this to your future self? And there is no guarantee you will even get the financial support. Seriously woman, modern health care is a MIRACLE. Embrace the fact that you live in a time in which you can end an unexpected pregnancy and save everyone from all of this. Then, in the future, have these conversations with men earlier in your relationship.

LW3 should stop fucking her coworker. It was a hot thing, and so far no one's career and/or relationship has suffered. It could go so wrong in so many ways that it's reckless to keep at it. Just think about it fondly as a hot thing you did for a while and find a new hot thing to do.

@MsMaple

Yes you are correct, and I think my going straight to DTMFA was harsh after reading what you want. Obviously libidos can fluctuate for all sorts of reasons- it has happened to me as well though not to that extreme. I'm assuming though that solving a problem like that would require a willingness to please another person or at least to consider what could be wrong. It's possible that the woman is secretly distressed, but the letter mentions nothing that she's said or done to indicate that.

So yes, I agree that if the LW wants to work in the relationship, all the usual steps should be taken- his GF has to acknowledge that it IS a problem which also requires the LW to state clearly that it is, without making ultimatums. If he's going along with the "only thing that matters is our love" bs to her face and then feeling resentment or frustration secretly, then I could see that the GF might not know what a problem it is to him. He needs to admit his sexual needs and see if there is anything she's willing to do- medical checkups are first step as you say, therapy perhaps as second- or at least some way of dealing with what must be oppressive emotions around the situation.

In my harsher response, I just assumed they'd taken enough steps down that road to know it is a dead end, but perhaps they havent. Does sound like communication is a big prob here on both sides. LW should start there first.

DBMag, there are a million ways to have an open relationship, so that might be a great idea for some of them. In this case, I think the combination of potential work AND personal consequences (the intermingling of the two) is the bigger concern. Fall out from one will affect the other which is a really dangerous situation to put your life in.

If we removed the work aspect and we were just talking about a typical DADT thing, then my advice to the LW would be that her lover has said he's in an open relationship AND their affair is casual and physical only. Unless something changes that either makes her believe he's lying OR they start to develop an emotional relationship, I don't see any reason why she should investigate further. If he's lying to his partner, that's on him. I believe that it's unethical (generally) to have an affair someone who tells you they are cheating, but I don't think we can go around suspicious of everyone all the time to such an extent that we assume everyone is lying and need proof otherwise. Sounds exhausting. But sure, if your partner is down to making a tape that says "hey, I'm cool with you fucking my man, just don't tell me about it" then why not? As for the DADT give away, you make it once when you first have the conversation about terms of the open relationship, and then you don't talk about it again. If nothing changes, you use that same clip for years.

What other pitfalls? What can others think of? Only thing I can come up with would be potential embarrassment if the video gets played by the wrong people- always a risk with that sort of thing. Also, I would just feel stupid making a video like that and knowing that my man was playing it to women. On the other end, as a woman, if I'm hooking up with a guy that says he's in an open relationship, I honestly I don't want to see his wife giving me permission. But these are personal flavors, not pitfalls.

LW1: You aren't sexually compatible with this woman - at all. It's not even the sorta thing you can meet halfway on. So just do the hard thing and break up with her - and hopefully then you can find someone interested in *your* hard thing, ifyaknowwhatimean.

LW2: "I feel like we'd be great parents?" We? WE? Honey, ain't no 'we' in this picture - there's you. He doesn't want the kid. He doesn't have the right to make you abort, no, (have you considered adoption?) but you can't make him parent if he doesn't want to. You can maybe make him pay child support. Don't factor him into your decision if you decide to have this kid. Only do it if you want to be a single mom.

So OOOPS, do you actually want the kid or do you just feel obligated because you're selectively religious and are hoping to naively make some lemonade here? Because if it's the latter, then put the kid up for adoption. If a guy walks away because he doesn't want a kid and you think he'd make a great parent, I'm not sure you've got the judgement for parenting, either.

(I kinda wish we knew how old OOOPS is, because I'm not placing my bets on any older than 22-23.)

SOAPY: How sad that the byproduct of all this "me too" consciousness raising is a belief, among us sexually ethical people, that simply wanting sex is now wrong. She said she's not in love with you. That's enough to end the relationship, separately from the sex issue. Workplace harassment and sexual assault are completely different things from wanting to have sex within a (presumably) sexual relationship. If you're with the right woman, you won't need to "make it clear" that sex is important to you -- it'll be important to her, too. Good luck!

OOOPS: I disagree that leaving was a shitty thing to do. You'd only been seeing this guy for a month. How on earth can you expect him to make an 18-year-9-month commitment to you? What I'm wondering is whether you were using condoms. If you were, and you insist on having this kid, I think you should let the guy off the hook financially. He did everything he could to not become a father; don't make him be one anyway. If he was careless, then perhaps he should face the financial consequences for that. You have the right to continue with the pregnancy, but you don't have the right to insist that he co-parent. You're not wrong for considering keeping the baby, but I hope you'll come to a different decision, for all three of your sakes.

NAHH: Your lover is not in an open relationship. At best, he's in a don't-ask-don't-tell relationship, and at worst, as you suspect, a CPOS. Keep this up if you're not terribly fond of your job, or of being a decent human being. Oh, and I fell for a great-in-bed 26-year-old when I was 40, so don't fool yourself that an age difference is protection against heartbreak.

Mythic @17: OOOPS said both of them are "around 30."

MsMaple @6: Unlike yourself, it doesn't sound as if Ms SOAPY wants to change anything about their sex life. She sees no problem with their not having sex. She doesn't miss it, and she doesn't seem to feel at all bad about depriving SOAPY. Big difference.

Avast @11: Exactly right. She's known this guy for one month and she's making an assessment over whether he'd be a great father? You're correct: she's wrong; anyone who bolts at the idea of fatherhood would not make a great parent. This is the hormones talking. I hope they stop talking before a termination is no longer a possibility.

Emma @13: Standing ovation for your no-nonsense advice to OOOPS.

@MythicFox - They're "both around 30", so she could be motivated by a reluctance to pass on a baby while she's still in the optimum baby-making window. It would be a bit weird to not mention that in the letter, but since wanting to have children some time is very common, and probably moreso among people who object to abortion, I think it's pretty likely that this is a factor. If she wants to be a mother and the (high) risk of doing it on her own in this case bothers her less than the (not insignificant) risk of never getting to a position where the situation is right and biology co-operates, going ahead with pregnancy in this not-ideal situation may be rational. She definitely shouldn't be expecting the father's input though.

LW2 if you want to keep your baby then follow your heart. If you don't want to get an abortion you don't have to. Only you know what is the right decision for you. You are not being selfish. You are at a great age to have a baby right now. Future pregnancies cannot be guaranteed. If the father of this pregnancy does not want to participate further (now that he has been 50% responsible for creating it) that is cowardly in my opinion, unfortunately men are in a better position to get out of the situation without taking any risk to their health. He could have insisted on careful condom use if he wanted to be certain not to get someone pregnant after knowing them for just one month. He has no right to try to pressure you into getting an abortion. Do what feels right for you, it's your decision only.

Also for LW2, if you read the comments I hope you disregard the judgemental remarks and lack of respect for your beliefs, coming from some of the more cold hearted, arrogant and ignorant people here.

I think SOAPY's relationship could be labeled, "Friends With Benefits, Expired".

As much as I'm in favor of Mrs. SOAPY having her hormones checked, as much as I've been helped by a little boost of estrogen, as much as I've felt the amazing power of a tiny tad of testosterone, the important point is that Mrs. SOAPY doesn't care. If she cared about SOAPY, if she thought sex was important in a loving relationship, she'd have been talking to him from the moment she "lost interest" telling him how distressed she was and how much she missed sex and how she knew it was important. She'd be asking him for help for with what she recognized was their joint problem. Then they'd go through solutions together including sex counseling, hormone therapy, and probably a lot of things I haven't heard of. She wouldn't be pulling the manipulative shit about how love is all that matters.

This is why I recommend that SOAPY, if he can't bring himself to walk out now, start a conversation in which he asks Mrs. what she likes about the relationship, what she envisions for their future, whether she could see herself being "in love" with someone else. I get the feeling she's just as conflicted and miserable as he is. I get the feeling that she might be grateful to him-- though not at first-- if he acted on her hints and got the ball rolling for them BOTH to move on to relationships where they'd BOTH be happier.

Sandwiches @22: "You are not being selfish. You are at a great age to have a baby right now. Future pregnancies cannot be guaranteed."

Um, that sounds like a totally selfish reason to have this kid.

And "disregard the opinions of everyone who doesn't agree with me" sounds pretty cold-hearted, arrogant and ignorant, for that matter.

@5: Leaving somebody and being controlling are mutually exclusive.

The sex is amazing in part because he's too immature for me to consider romantically.
Well, she lost my sympathy right there. That spells out all the inequality and power imbalance issues I would have passed over otherwise.

It is possible to sustain secrecy in unpromising circumstances. I did it in high school, well enough that her roommate didn't know about us until I spent the night.

Standing ovation for EmmaLiz @13 and her response to LW2. You said everything I thought while reading that letter.

@6 What is the point? His girlfriend straight out TOLD him she wasn't in love with him. There's no way to go from there but out. No amount of hormones is going to make her care about the LW, which is the heart of the problem. She doesn't seem him as a person and doesn't give a fuck about him.

LW if you leave her she will be hurt but she will get over it. You will too. Trust me. And doing this will give you both the chance to find people who you actually like and want to be with instead of pantomiming house for years on end for God knows what reason.

serious question: What does it mean when you say someone "has abandonment issues?"

How am I to recognize "abandonment issues" in real life? Am I to assume that "she has abandonment issues" really just means "she will be more-than-strictly-necessarily upset if I dump her?"

Long time reader, first time poster here...
A quick shout out to Dan and all of you who have helped me develop a sex-positive approach in guiding my teenage sons and younger daughter toward healthy relationships with their own bodies and others.
RE today's post from LW2: Dan, I think you missed a real opportunity to educate her and others here about professional pregnancy counseling. While the comments you and others offer might be helpful in pointing to various options (adoption) or perspectives (possible abusive behavior, very questionable ability for the bio father to parent), IMHO, the LW should immediately seek expert counseling to make the decision right for her. And if she chooses to continue the pregnancy, a counselor can ensure she knows all the legal ramifications and social services available to her. Immediately!!! Though Planned Parenthood gets a terrible media rap for being pro-abortion, this is absolutely NOT the reality: the highly trained counselors will help her sort through all aspects of this decision and the subsequent pathways forward. At the same time, LW, BEWARE of the fake "counseling" agencies that do not have trained counselors, will often give you an ultrasound to convince you of the personhood of your fetus, and make all sorts of promises of financial and emotional support they cannot possibly fulfill.
LW, I have done research with women making the same decision you are faced with and I hope you seek out both counseling and support. Many women feel shamed in this situation and isolate themselves, precisely at a time when you need support more than ever. An online community is a start, but know that, statistically speaking, a number of your close friends will have faced the same predicament at some point in their lives and you just don't know that yet because women often do not share these stories.
If you do decide to continue the pregnancy and raise the child, you will have some connection to this man who walked out on you for decades to come; from my research data, I think it very unlikely he will "come to his senses" (a belief women often hold) and return to co-parent with you. Even if you do not seek financial support (and you should unless he is abusive), the child will want to know about his/her father someday. These are issues best addressed with a professional counselor.
Finally, on a more personal note, I am a mom of 3 and it has been both the most wonderful AND most difficult challenge of my life. One of my kids has a severe medical condition that essentially led to leaving my career path. I would ask yourself honestly: Do you have the support network you would need as a single mom to get through unexpected and possibly long-term challenges? I will never forget the panicked feeling of my first months of parenthood when my baby cried virtually every waking hour, thinking, "this is one decision I cannot take back," and how scary that felt...And that was with the complete support of a partner. I love that kid more than life itself, but even now as a young adult, I am still his mom, and it still is hard.
All best to the LW in her decision. And Dan, please continue to educate people on PP's services and sham pregnancy counseling centers!

Dan deliberately avoided questioning the author getting pregnant the very first time she ovulated after she started dating this guy.

But that is a weird, weird thing to do. For anybody.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who got a girl pregnant 6 weeks (at most) after he met her in a nightclub when they were in their 20s. He married her, they had two daughters, and after 17 years of complaining she divorced him.

It always struck me that this girl had decided, like the author, that my friend was the father of her children before he really had a chance to think about it.

For OOPS - a month isn't a relationship, it's a couple dates. Please think carefully about coercing a reluctant partner into a lifetime commitment to a child (and it's mother) that he doesn't want. If YOU want the child, sever ties and carry on, knowing that you'll go it alone.

Good response:
"Yes, you have the right to continue the pregnancy. That doesn't necessarily mean that it would be a good idea."

Even better:
" You are being selfish to everyone- the child, the man, the man's family, your own future self- if you don't have an abortion."

LW sounds like a ridiculous mess, and the kind of person who should not be parenting right now:

Moved in with a guy after a month?????

Talks about "I feel we'd be great parents" when dude has (very rationally) taken off and wants nothing to do with this situation?

I really hope OOPS is reading this letter. Get an abortion, get reliable birth control, grow up a bit.

@23: No, it is not cold-hearted or arrogant to criticize this woman's decision-making processes when they affect more than just her, including the human being she is contemplating growing in her body. Let's look further, starting with her *very first sentence.*

"A man impregnated me ..."

I love how all of the agency is on him. LW, if you're as against abortion as you say you are, then you should have been using Fort Knox-level birth control. And you should have told him, before ever having sex, that if you got pregnant you expected to have a baby and that he would be involved in parenting. I think you chose to keep that info from him because you knew, correctly, that he'd leave a dude-shaped hole in the door.

"About a month into our relationship..."

That's not a relationship yet. That's someone you just met.

"I really don't want to have an abortion—I have religious and moral beliefs against it."

I don't really think that's true. I find it a very odd version of morality that says you're against abortion AND don't also use super-powerful birth control AND that promotes choosing who'd be a good parent based on knowing someone for a month. And any religion that opposes abortion also opposes pre-marital sex.

LW, you are being selfish. If you really want to be a single parent, that's your right, but do it the right way. Make sure you have the support network for it, then go out to a sperm bank.

@SOAPY: Why did you move in with this woman if you wanted sex but she has repeatedly said no, even on your birthday(!!)---and has demonstrated that she's not attracted to you?
Channeling Ferris Bueller after the end credits: "You're still here?!..........it's OVER. Go home..........go!"
Seriously, SOAPY--you deserve someone who considers you equally hot and wants sex, too. That's what GGG is all about, FWB notwithstanding.

@OOPS: I'm in agreement with Hermanubis @5, BiDanFan @18, @35 Spokalou, and others regarding your situation. It's your choice to have and keep your baby after only one month with the bio-father. Whether or not you feel like YOU would be an ideal parent, however, he's already left you. That doesn't sound like a healthy start to having kids to me. Pushing parenthood on anybody is a bad idea for all concerned. It's tougher still when one is a single parent.
I neither wanted nor planned on having any children, yet had to stand firm and say no fucking way to having kids with my abusive ex (whom I should never have married to begin with), and, about two years after my divorce, a longtime male friend I was never sexually attracted to, who had developed serious health issues and entered a midlife crisis at age 40 ("Someone--anyone!!---marry me and bear me a truckload of religiously required children so my mother, siblings and clergyman will get off my back!"). When the subtle hints and innuendos didn't work (your "we'd make great parents!" comment made me shudder reading your letter; that's exactly what my desperate male friend had said), my male friend turned to my father, apparently harboring some secret hope that a bizarre Old World "arranged marriage" deal would take fruition, complete with a Yenta. Luckily my dad saw what was happening and told my friend, "Look, if she wants to marry you, too, you have both [her mother's] and my blessings. If not, I'm sorry--I can't force my daughter to marry you."
Forced marriages and / or pregnancies cannot be considered healthy aspects of any relationship.

"I'm sorry you're in this position, and here's hoping you have the love and support you need to raise a kid if you decide to keep the baby, and here's hoping he comes around."

Here's hoping he comes around? I guess that's a nice thing to say but it's really just feeding into her (probably delusional) belief that he will.

Have the kid if you want, OOPS. Although you don't seem terribly mature about any of it, you're not the first or last person to have a kid who wasn't terribly mature. But don't do it because you think this guy is going to magically return to you.

@2/3:

Considering her predilection for risky sex, Dan’s advice is going to get her fired and not at all gently.

@6: She doesn’t want to have sex with him. Ever again.

Hormones may make her want sex, but she’s going to break up with him and find someone se actually wants to be with. It won’t be on the context of this relationship.

@34: “Dan deliberately avoided questioning the author getting pregnant the very first time she ovulated after she started dating this guy.

But that is a weird, weird thing to do. For anybody.”

I’ve certainly had an acquaintance who was an avowed catholic, had a one night stand (yay nightclubs!) that turned into her and her family pressuring the guy immediately into marriage after it ended in conception. I don’t think it’s very “weird” at all.

re OOOPS, there's an odd dichotomy. Almost everyone I've ever been with has been pro-choice - for other people - but adamantly against abortions for themselves.

Anywho, yes, it's your right to keep the child. Generally speaking, however, a child is a terrible tool to keep a partner; it's unfair to the child, self-degrading, etc.

If you really want the child, have the child. If you want the child just to get this man back in to your life ("I feel like we'd be great parents" line kinda hints towards you viewing this pregancy/child as a relationship extender. Cut that out if that's what you're thinking).

Unusually, this week's column made me feel sorry for straight men. I mean, the DADT guy seems like he might be kind of an asshole, but the other two dudes are in situations I shudder to contemplate.

@37 no abortions and no birth control is a frequent combination for religious beliefs. Catholics were, up until VERY recently (like, the past 12 months) prohibited from using birth control. That's why Catholics have reputations for large families (ever heard the term "Irish Twins"?). The interesting part is that her morals/religiosity aren't out-and-out eliminating an abortion as an option. If I had to guess, I'd say, she's from a reformed jewish household but is mostly lapsed/non-practicing herself.

@30 Mirea: I second it re your comment on EmmaLiz @13.
@13 EmmaLiz: Major kudos and a standing ovation on your spot on comments to OOPS. My only difference was to point out that if OOPS insists on having and keeping her baby (and I agree that this is selfish on OOPS' part), it is a bad idea and with unhealthy consequences for all involved. I never mentioned the option of her having an abortion (I would have in her shoes, and with my parents' support) because OOPS sounded bound and determined, claiming religious beliefs. I'm glad you spoke up.

18-BiDan-- "How sad that the byproduct of all this "me too" consciousness raising is a belief, among us sexually ethical people, that simply wanting sex is now wrong."

Gosh, no. SOAPY's fear is that he's coercing sex. He's still got it all wrong as Dan and others have pointed out, but none of this is coming from the ME TOO campaign. To think so is to skirt dangerously close to the far right's falsehood that rape is just strong sexual desire and sexual harassment is just asking for sex. With this sick reasoning women who object to being raped and sexually harassed are hurting men's frail egos to the point of putting an end to the survival of the species.

@22 & @23 sandwichesatbedtime: "If you read the comments I hope you disregard the judgmental remarks and lack of respect for your beliefs, coming from some of the more cold hearted and ignorant people here." I could not disagree with you more.
How am I being judgmental and ignorant by speaking from my own experience? How many children from unprotected sex and / or unplanned pregnancies end up in foster homes from being the result of someone else's anti-birth control beliefs? How is anyone who pushes parenthood or marriage onto someone else NOT being selfish? How is telling someone else who has no intention of ever becoming a parent, 'We'd make great parents!' NOT being selfish if not delusional?
To tell OOOPS to 'follow your heart' is shortsighted. While OOOPS does not "have" to have an abortion, under her circumstances it is advisable to get one. If she changes her mind and takes that option, the sooner the better. If she sticks to her stated plans to have and keep her baby, the bio-dad's gone. This baby's father is not coming back, even if he has to legally pay child support payments. OOOPS will discover in 9 months what it's like in the evil Era of Trumpzilla to raise a child alone, and whether you or anyone sharing her religious views feels she's doing the right thing.

@32: How do you recognize if someone *doesn't* have abandonment issues? If they want to date me it's a sure bet they do.

SOAPY, such a sad sign off. You need to end this relationship as a romantic one. If she has issues re this happening, then you need to be loving as you extricate yourself.

Dean @32: Abandonment issues stem from being left by a parent or parents when one was a child. Many people who are adopted have these, particularly if their adoptive families were anything less than idyllic. They grow up feeling like they are worthless, that everyone they care about is going to leave them. They often turn these fears into manipulation of their partners, guilting them into staying with "You're going to leave me" accusations which the poor partner feels compelled to disprove by staying, even when the relationship has gone toxic.
(Yes, I'm talking about my ex-husband, a textbook case.)

Dean @34: That struck me too. A month in and she's letting him not use condoms? She's 30ish? She jumped immediately to "we'd be great parents"? Run, One-Month-Boyfriend, run!

Gatoverde @36 (and Emma @13): No one ever said they'd moved in together. I read "left me" as "broke up with me."

Pete05 @39: Agree, "Here's hoping he comes around" made me go WTF too. Here's hoping SHE comes around, and sees that making anyone a father against his will is a shitty thing to do.

I hope OOOPS's letter serves as a warning to men. WEAR CONDOMS. WEAR CONDOMS!!

Hi, Sporty @42. If I had ever gotten pregnant, it would be straight off to the nearest abortion clinic immediately. Thank goodness birth control always worked for me.

Porkupine @43: The other two men have, or at least had, it completely within their power to not be in the situations they're in now. SOAPY can leave. Mr OOOPS could have worn a condom. It's possible he wore a condom and she got pregnant anyway, or poked a hole in the condom; if that's the case, then I truly sympathise with his plight. But if he was careless and selfish (I have met so many men who whined about using condoms), it's merely an expensive lesson to learn.

@11 avast2006: I meant to respond to your comment earlier, but want to commend you, too. I could not agree with you more: Ho-lee-shit is right! "I think we'd make great parents" gave me the chills, too (see my comment @38). There is little to make one want to bolt and head for the hills more than dealing with someone else hellbent on pushing something the one fleeing clearly does NOT want, won't foresee any benefit from, keeps saying NO to, but the someone else remains deaf, clueless, and delusional who keeps blindly pushing for, anyway.

OOOPS's situation is a textbook example of why I am so glad I've never gotten pregnant and hope I never have to experience pregnancy (Hooray for menopause!). What I find disquieting is the number of idiots who seemed out to impregnate me against my will when I was in my 20s and 30s!

Fichu @46: "None of this is coming from the ME TOO campaign"

Then why the reference to the year 2017? What's happening in the year 2017? #metoo, Harvey Weinstein, "grab 'em by the pussy." Male (in particular) sexual aggression is being rightly demonised, and there is sometimes a fine line between aggression and assertiveness. Those who would never ever want to put a woman in a position where she feels pressurised are now wondering what, if anything, is an appropriate expression of sexual desire. Look at it the other way round: "strong sexual desire is rape", "just asking for sex is sexual harassment." There's a right way and a wrong way to do it, but often the difference is entirely predicated on what the recipient wants, and if there's no way to know what the recipient wants until the seeker asks, what is an ethical seeker to do to avoid overstepping but not ask. The #notallmen (and women and non-binaries) among us are now erring on the side of caution, not asking for sex in situations when it's absolutely appropriate (and in many cases welcome), lest they be guilty of "coercion" or at least harassment.

BiDan @51: I'm going to disagree with myself here. Mr OOOPS's not using a condom is not "merely an expensive lesson to learn." It is potentially a brand new person being brought into this world, who's going to have an absent father that never wanted them in the first place. Dean, you were wondering where abandonment issues come from?

OOOPS, as soon as a man impregnates a woman, his decision making about any pregnancy, is finished. The embryo/ foetus is in the woman's body and her decision is final.
The man isn't obligated to stay with the woman during pregnancy and birth, and nobody can force em. They are obligated to pay child support for eighteen years. That's if you can find them and they don't manipulate their income so the woman only gets a fraction of what his real income is.
LW, your fantasy that you would be great parents, doesn't seem to be shared by this man. He obviously would prefer that you had an abortion. If you don't, by the sound of the situation, he'll be gone soon, and you will be rearing your child alone. He may come around, it just doesn't sound like he will, and if you want to keep your child, you need to start thinking about and planning on being a single mother.

I'm more sympathetic than others to a religious woman who doesn't want an abortion on principle.

Liberals are apt to say, 'but think of the child. Think of the circumstances in which a child will be obligated to grow up'. But we don't know what other relationships--with parents, other relatives, friends--the LW has. Often (it could even be 'typically'), someone of a conservative background with a principled opposition to abortion will have many like-minded friends in social or church groups. When someone like that gets unexpectedly pregnant, the thoughts going through their mind will be 'I have to keep this child! I didn't count on this, but it's against my religion to get an abortion!'. In other words, to liberal ears, the reaction isn't about wanting the child--loving anticipation at bringing a new life into the world. But that can come later. You grow into pregnancy--into a feeling of identification with the unborn child. Career or educated women having children late, after having really wanted them, planned or plotted for them, having had trouble in putting together the right circumstances for the kid being raised, or in conceiving etc., can underestimate how much accidentally pregnant younger mothers, culturally conservative, can give their offspring the same degree of love.

I think it's especially unfair, as @13 EmmaLiz does, to say that OOPS is not conscious of any 'talent' for mothering. In the first semester? Is childrearing a skill that a first-time mother really knows she'll be good at that early on?

Why doesn't SOAPY ask his gf 'why are you not interested in sex with me?'.

@12, cynic, that's a bit of a harsh outcome, him fucking other women while living in the house with her.
These two obviously don't talk, and SOAPY.. has got himself in knots and she's god knows what. Maybe a narcissist, her lack of empathy seems pronounced. Or as Dan points out, he's been behaving like a door mat and she's expecting he will continue to do so.

Harriet @57: What about a "religious" woman who has premarital sex less than a month into a relationship, as Dan alluded to? Her claim to oppose abortion on "religious" grounds felt a bit hypocritical.

Soapy -- It is reasonable to expect to have sex within a romantic relationship. Assuming your partner isn't ill, then you should just break-up. You will become angry and resentful if you stay. While I know many couples that have been married for decades that stopped having sex at some point, their is a difference between being in your 60s and 70s and having a bunch of health problems vs being with someone who is just not interested in sex. You could tell her that you need X amount of sex to be in a relationship, but if you fear she would just do it for you and not get any enjoyment out of it, then you probably should just break up and be friends.

For the woman that had a baby after a month, the guy might not be a bad guy. I can understand not wanting to have a baby with someone you have only known for a month. If you have your own support system, you can rear the child alone. If you don't have much of a support system, and the only support you will get from this guy would have to be court ordered, you might consider adoption. I am sure he will sign away his parental rights.

Sex with a co-worker -- Whether you are male or female, you can find a young hot person for fun sex outside the office. I am sure there are a ton of young men that will volunteer and you won't have to worry about getting fired or helping a co-worker cheat.

@57. Bi. Perhaps she is flexible in her interpretation of religious doctrine ... or more likely she is confused or at sea. Now would be a good time for her to take a few steps back. Especially as she's considering bringing a new life into the world...

I would still have some sympathy for a culturally, but not thoroughly observant, religious person, for whom the rights and life of the unborn were sacrosanct and to-be-honoured more than other tenets of the religion.

In this particular case, we have to think what's best for all concerned--the (possible) mother, the child and (very tangentially) the father. It’s quite possible that the best thing may be to get an abortion--possible shading into likely, on the balance of what we know. But we don't know enough to make a summary judgment. And, to me, it has to be unequivocally the pregnant woman's choice, to decide on what basis she likes.

But I second the suggestion of parenthood counseling. That was an excellent post.

I was reared a catholic and I couldn't do abortions. there was a vasectomy done, found out too late that hadn't worked. Comedy of errors, and still I couldn't do it. Thought about it.

@61: “It is reasonable to expect to have sex within a romantic relationship”

That’s what I don’t get, she outright told him there is no romantic relationship. Or relationship for that matter. She loves the situation of them living together but has little fondness for him beyond. Love but not in love with you could say about a friend, family member, or even a pet.

So many of these comments have a pretty messed up double standard.

"Re: the woman who is pregnant: dude chose not to wear a condom. That was his time to make a choice and he fucked up."

The idea that his decisions rightfully ended when he decided to have sex, or when/if he didn't wear a condom. The same pro-life argument could be made if she wasn't on birth control (which thereis about as much indication in the letter as not wearing a condom), that was "her time to make a choice and she fucked up."

"If the father of this pregnancy does not want to participate further (now that he has been 50% responsible for creating it) that is cowardly in my opinion,"

And that if he doesn't take an active role, that he's "irresponsible" or "cowardly" even though he clearly, right away, established he is not in a financal/emotional place to have a baby. But imagine making that argument to a woman who wants an abortion, that getting one is "cowardly" because she had a 50% part in making it.

"unfortunately men are in a better position to get out of the situation without taking any risk to their health."

And women are in a better position to get out of the situation without taking any real risk to their finances (abortion or adoption).

As these are all arguments pro-lifers use against women who want to get an abortion, it's messed up to see these argument used against a man. None of this is to say that women should not have the ultimate and only authority for whether or not she gets an abortion. And if she chooses to have the baby? If she can afford it, she should take full financial responsibility for it. If she can't, better for him to bear financial responsibility than taxpayers, but that should be considered THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS.

I am not saying that men should have a get out of child support free card with a "financial abortion," because it's just not feasible (what if she finds out she's pregnant after it's too late, what if he is supportive but bails at 8 months, etc). And what we both want the outcome to be the same, but the REASONS we have are important.

Tl;dr: Don't sex shame men, and don't sex shame women. Men and women often have very similar reasons for wanting or not wanting an abortion, and while the decision is 100% in the hands of the one bearing a potential child, respect should be given to the other partner and their wishes, even if they don't have an official "say."

@65: There is a “double standard” because he disavowed any responsibility while she’s got it all.

If he didn’t want a baby he should’ve used a condom. He has a baby now and he’s too terrible to acknowledge this.

Fuck off with this “sex shame” bullshit. He’s getting heat because he’s irresponsible. Not because either of them had sex.

Respect is earned, and neither of you are entitled to any.

Undead @66: He doesn't have a baby. She has a fetus. There's still time for the pregnancy to be terminated, if she decides she's gone about motherhood the wrong way.

Loved Dan's responses this week.

SOAPY- You've learned that you need a partner who really likes sex, and really likes sex with you. It's probably far too late to add a healthy sex life to your current relationship.. Next time, make sure your partner expresses lots of satisfaction and fulfillment from sex. And as soon as there's a change, address it, consult a doctor if it doesn't seem linked to behavioral or environmental changes. You'll have more success if you start with a woman who can articulate what she needs in bed. Seek out and preserve the things that are important to you.

OOPS- You're allowed to avoid abortion centers and let your body grow a baby. He's allowed to leave you. I hope you give some consideration to whether single motherhood or abortion would suit you better.

NAHH- I think the only person you're hurting is yourself. He's fucking at least two women but you sound obsessed by him despite "immaturity" and catching some lies. You sound more worried that his gf might cut off your sex than about your lover's character. Idk

Sanguisuga, I wrote back to you,
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/11…

OOPS is a certifiable nut job. How to tell? “He impregnated me”. As a mother of 2 children, pregnancy happens when 2 people consent to not using birth control. Every fucking time, unless it is rape. Pregnancy is not something that “happens to you”, you allow it, except in cases of rape. This guy was an idiot for sure but she bears the responsibility for letting him deposit sperm in her vagina and God help the poor kid she is now going to bring into this world due to her delusional mindset.

Judy @70. Um. I know several people who've gotten pregnant IN SPITE of using birth control. No method is 100% effective. However, in this particular instance I'm inclined to agree with you. There was no mention here of birth control failing. My strong suspicion is that she reached a milestone age with a ticking clock and went out to find a sperm donor.

65,

I'm with you on this one. Amazing how everyone has no sympathy for him because if he didn't want a child he should have worn a condom. Maybe I'm missing something, but I've reread the letter several times and don't see anything about lack of birth control, just that she got pregnant after a month. Maybe unlikely, but entirely possible that she got pregnant even while using a condom (and certainly I could see her and her partner not using one correctly).

It really is amazing how much these arguments sound just like those coming from pro-lifers.

LTR @72:
Read post @18:
What I'm wondering is whether you were using condoms. If you were, and you insist on having this kid, I think you should let the guy off the hook financially. He did everything he could to not become a father; don't make him be one anyway. If he was careless, then perhaps he should face the financial consequences for that.

@68: You are very correct, my wording implied if she decided not to abort.

@72: “Amazing how everyone has no sympathy for him because if he didn't want a child he should have worn a condom.“

Sympathy for being in this situation, no sympathy for what he’s doing about it.

@70: It takes two delusional nutjobs to make a baby.

@60 & @68 BiDanFan: Bingo! The level of hypocrisy in OOOPS' letter was exactly what I thought, too. Why is premarital sex okay for someone so adamantly claiming to have religious beliefs, but the use of birth control is not okay? To me, this scenario read like OOOPS was deliberately trying to trap the bio-dad in order to live a fairytale princess-mommy fantasy, complete with an heir to her throne. Excellent points made on both your above-mentioned comments.
@69 Philophile: Excellent comments on SOAPY, OOOPS, and NAHH, and congratulations on hitting the lucky number this week!

@13, Emma Liz, I don't think it is Dan's place or yours to tell a woman to have an abortion. Or to not have an abortion.
Such a decision is a very private one and each woman has to be free from judgement, to make it.
A woman can choose to have a baby and place the child up for adoption, if she feels she can't have an abortion and isn't in a position to raise the child.

The best form of birth control is.. yes. We all know what it is. Once the cock is in the vagina, unless forced, then whatever happens here on in, Is a shared responsibility. A child may result and the rearing of said child is up to both parents.

It's a dicey one and maybe men need to check before any sex what the woman would do if she became pregnant thru a fail. If she's like this LW and he's like the guy in this letter, then he should decline the sex.

@68 BiDanFan, again: Agreed. As ususal you are right as rain, but wow--you are hitting on all four cyllnders this week in particular!
@75 undead ayn rand (re: @70 Judyblume503): Right spot on target. There was no rape; both parties gave mutual consent. I agree with you about the bio-dad bailing (@74: "Sympathy for [their] being in this situation, not sympathy for what he's doing about it."). Both were equally irresponsible. OOOPS now has to face the consequences alone, as bio-dad is being a jerk about taking any responsibility, left with three choices:
a) bring the pregnancy to full 9 month term, have and keep her baby as she has already stated, or, if she changes her mind about being a mom,
b) put her baby up for adoption, or
c) hurry up and get an abortion ASAP.
Moral of OOOPS's story? BiDanFan nailed it, already: Men: wear condoms, wear condoms, WEAR CONDOMS!

@79 LavaGirl: Equally right on, Lava!

@60, Fan, yes, Dan's little snide aside. As if he would know the dilemma for some women when it comes to having an abortion. Strong hormones kick in straight away and if the mother is not clear, these hormones can be very persuasive.

It's too late for this man, his child is on the way. He can stay hidden or run, or he could turn, work with this woman and face what his dick has brought him.

@83 & @84 LavaGirl: I am not a parent, but you are so right on in OOOPs' situation, further pointing out that the outcome is indeed, a two-way street.
Oh, those pesky hormones! Mine have finally caught up with me as I venture into the other side of my child-bearing years---menopause and beyond. My hormones are still imbalanced, and I am dealing with numerous related issues. A lot of PTSD symptoms are inter-connected with my current biology. If only there wasn't so much pain.

Sorry to hear Grizelda. Yes, pain, and all the dramas seem to become more intense around Xmas.

@18. Are you serious Fan, even if this man was wearing a condom, he obviously didn't do everything to stop a conception, because one occurred.

A man can't proclaim after the event, but I don't want a baby! Tough titty, one has been made. That's why PiV sex is so nice you people, because it's there to make babies, and they are made.

EmmaLiz @ 13
BDF @ several posts
Lava @ 77
Possibly others
Some 20 years ago SL visited a similar situation, a young pregnant woman wondering how to proceed, and abortion was discussed liberally. Maybe adopting a child made Dan see other options, yet not even mentioning abortion AS ONE OF THE OPTIONS is likely to be a result of the current political and social climate, with guaranteed angry comments from both left and right.

Emma Liz’s tone may have been too harsh to some, I call it “queer forward,” and yet she brought up some very valid points that should have been addressed in the first place.

As some have already alluded to, it could also be that she told him “it’s ok to come inside, I’m using…” and it could have been true or may have been intentionally misleading.
I’m not claiming to know that this is what really happened, that women do it all the time, or that men should not be held responsible, yet another possibility based solely on the letter.

CMD, it's not up to EmmaLiz to tell a woman to have an abortion. Or Dan. Or you. Or me. People would be up in arms if someone told someone not to have an abortion.
It's a very personal decision, and depends on how the woman perceives abortion. For me, and only me, I didn't want to be responsible for terminating my pregnancies. Didn't think I could live with that decision.
Each woman has to clear it with herself, and only herself.

And that's the chance each man takes when he has sex with a fertile woman, is she lying about contraception. As each woman has to trust the man isn't taking off the condom, mid fuck.

I realize it's been said already, but I'm really stuck on "A man impregnated me." It's like, a man fixed my car, or a man served me coffee--those I understand. But "a man impregnated me" is a pretty remarkable degree of detachment and evasion. This LW and the man in question aren't in a relationship. She'll either have an abortion or she'll be raising the kid more or less on her own, with (one hopes) financial support from the "man [who] impregnated" her.
And yes, straight people who have unprotected (or even protected) sex may find that they've conceived. But fortunately, women still have the option to terminate.

Lava @ 91
Of course it’s not my decision, not even EmmaLiz’s, but someone asked for advice in regards to their unexpected pregnancy and might as well get a wide spectrum of options.

A highly regarded, and rightfully so, advice columnist used to mention abortion as an option in the past yet didn’t do so this time. It could be that LW’s religious inclinations made Dan skip the issue. It is also possible that as someone reviled and carefully watched by the right he didn’t want to come across as “a man telling a woman to have an abortion” considering the current US social climate.
Maybe EmmaLiz knows.

@90: “it could also be that she told him “it’s ok to come inside, I’m using…”

They just started dating though? Considering the commonality of people just not using protection and having kids, it’s a much more simple solution than her lying or anything else unnecessarily complicated. Why would one need to assume otherwise?

@86 LavaGirl: Thank you for your kind words of support. I am doing well in online studies; a few things are easier / more difficult than others. My change is requiring new meds and doctor's authorization; hopefully my health coverage won't become a problem. And you're right about the holidays and dramas....if only I didn't feel like such a basket case (a lot of it is my loving and missing my parents --and sweet little VW tucked away in winter storage, intertwined with PTSD and menopausal symptoms--good grief!). My Mac seems to have developed a stubbornly devious mind of its own lately when I'm doing course work. Heaven help me when I get to the intricately difficult stuff!
Wow. I truly cannot imagine my ever raising kids on top of all this and an enlistment in the U.S. Navy, to boot.

I now officially rank "A man impregnated me" right up there in HeebieJeebie Land with "We'd make great parents". Ig. Everyone please excuse me while I go shudder and get comfortably numb.

Lava @83: "Strong hormones kick in straight away and if the mother is not clear, these hormones can be very persuasive."

I have heard this. Even women who are reasonable and logical enough to know that children, at this point, are a bad idea are somehow duped by their own hormones into changing their minds once an egg is fertilised. A sobering thought indeed and all the more reason for anyone who doesn't want kids to use birth control -- more than one kind if necessary!

Lava @87: And what more can a man do, other than wear a condom, to stop a conception? Get a vasectomy? He may want kids some day, just not now, and not with a girlfriend of a month. Punch his partners in the belly after sex? A guy who uses a condom has taken all reasonable steps within his power to prevent pregnancy. He can't force his partners to take a pill.

CMD @90: Dear men: If anyone you've been dating for one month says "it’s ok to come inside, I’m using…” she's either after only one thing, a baby, or has a self-destructive streak a mile wide. Take the condom off and RUN AWAY!

Lava @91: It most certainly is reasonable to suggest that an abortion would be a better idea than forcing misery on three people. In the end it is her decision, but it's a decision that should be made after considering all aspects, which it does not seem this LW has done.

AnnaT @92: That's one unfortunate inequality based on the reproductive organs of both genders. In most countries, abortion is legal, meaning no one can force a woman to become a parent against her will -- even after conception has occurred. But because it's the woman's decision, men can be forced to become parents against their will. The only solution is for men to be more aware of, and involved in, the prevention of pregnancy in the first place. As in, use condoms dammit! And get the snip if you don't want children ever.

@93: CMD: I found EmmaLiz's comment @13 very offensive. Who knows how a mother is going to behave? It's assumptive to say how life is going to pan out, for someone else.
Why would Dan suggest an abortion.. it's not his call. The LW knows it's an option. She's a big girl, and how ever she plays it from here, it's not a piece of cake.. for her.

@97. Fan: I don't give a fuck what a man does. I just kinow when he impregnates a woman he is now in the headlights of responsibility. However it goes. Work with the woman, it is his child too. She may accept adoption, she may want to keep the child. Whatever the woman chooses, the man needs to work with her.

Pigs might fly.
LW, it's your decision , whether you continue with the pregnancy and keep your child or give her/ him up for adoption.
It doesn't sound like this man is on board, after one month, with your idea of shared parenting. So take off the rose coloured glasses and face facts. This man has already done a runner. Imagine him gone and you going thru a pregnancy, child birth, child rearing.. as a single parent.
We have no idea what human and financial resources are available to you. Only you can decide how to proceed.

@97: “Dear men: If anyone you've been dating for one month says "it’s ok to come inside, I’m using…” she's either after only one thing, a baby, or has a self-destructive streak a mile wide. Take the condom off and RUN AWAY!”

Definitely a calculated risk, but the percentage of “baby-hungry tricksters” versus persons for whom it is true for is likely not a realistic issue. The vast majority of unplanned are still going to be the “how dare you knock me up/how dare you expect me to be a father” like the LW who feel cruel fate has done them in.

I also imagine scenarios as friends have experienced of “we might as well not use protection, the doctor said I’d never be able to have a child!” are far more common still. Not that I think the partner was lying in those cases, they sincerely did hear believe that was the case (until it wasn’t.)

Undead @100: Even women whose doctors have said they can't have children should be insisting on an STI test before letting any new partner into them without a condom. This is unlikely to have happened in this case -- and if so, they were still being stupid, because many STIs take more than a month to show up. That's the self-destructive streak I was referring to: "Go ahead, Man I Barely Know, your momentary pleasure is more important than whether I catch an STI!" (This is based on CMD's hypothetical situation where it's the woman who's suggested the bareback sex. Women who allow one-month partners to pressure them into not using condoms are sadly far more common, but if it's the guy who initiated the unsafe sex, he deserves all the child-support payments he gets.)