Savage Love Dec 6, 2017 at 4:00 am

What Happened


@Dan the Man (re: READER's letter and your response)---I feel your seasonal pain, and agree that Trumpzilla happened to all of us. While I am still reeling over the world shocking devastation of November 8, 2016, there is at least SOME hope for those of us here in the bluer, smarter, safer, saner and more Democratic Washington. Hooray for the Blue Wall!
Good grief--RUIN sounds like a modern day Benjamin Braddock straight out of The Graduate.
READER - you listen to the Lovecast? Dan can be funny & upbeat on that, after the rant, which is spot on political commentary and as good as most NYT oped columnists, but with more 4-letter words.
I can't help but envy SQUIRT's GF's superpowers. You GO, girl! Feel no shame, especially if it's a turn on for your man.
The Butt Plug articles were the best! Don't worry Dan, you'll be fine.
I would like to believe that RUIN's letter is actually an exercise from a creative writing workshop. "Write a sentence about a mundane problem, then expand it into a paragraph in which each sentence is more horrifying than the previous one. Go!"
It’s true, Dan. The world is more fucked up than ever, things are worse today than they were when I was a kid, the apocalypse is coming and to top it all off, the damn Beatles broke up! You can’t get a decent cup of coffee anymore, the lines at Walmart are longer than ever, my computer blew it’s Finley Sprocket and it freezes up every time I’m watching porn right in the middle of the fricking cumshot! Now to top it all off, sex columnists aren’t making me laugh like they used to and I think I’m just going to go sit in a bathtub and wait for a toaster to fall in.
@5 freesandbags: I know--the butt plug columns rocked! There you go, more butt plug and sex toy columns. No worries, Dan--keep on rockin'!
@6 Ghost of Sea Otter: To "Write a sentence about a mundane problem, then expand it into a paragraph in which each sentence is more horrifying than the previous one. Go!" I would add "...while watching The Graduate". I keep hearing Simon & Garfunkel when reading RUIN's letter.
@7: DonnyKlicious: Yep--a lot is more fucked up now than ever before. I need a hug--can I give you, Dan, and everybody a viral hug?
Donny @7: ROFL! Perhaps READER needs to read the comments AND the columns if they want some entertainment.

RUIN: Ugh ugh ugh! What's with the "may be getting married"? This letter has HTH (how'd that happen?) stamped all over it. If there were a candidate for chemical castration, this person may be it. (Upon careful reading of the letter, it may or may not be a dude.)

PICS: Whew! I was going to wonder what sort of world we live in where masturbating to violent porn is OK but masturbating to acquaintances one has a crush on is not OK. Yes, I for one find fully-clothed photos of sexy people I fancy much more enticing than close-ups of strangers' genitals. And no, I would never tell them that while I was indulging my fantasies, I happened to pull up a picture on Facebook for a visual reminder. Like I've said, masturbating is like taking a shit... we all do it, but nobody else wants to know about it.

Donny @7: You jest, but when you've got YouTube on your laptop as a wank soundtrack (sexy music is an even bigger turn-on than sexy friends' photos) and an advert appears, talk about a mood-killer...
Griz @8: Sending hugs! We all need them!
SQUIRT should go easy with the enthusiasm and allow his/her girlfriend to adjust to this new development over time. If SQUIRT is so into it that girlfriend starts to feel pressured, it could backfire. Worst case, if she feels like their sex life is becoming focused and dependent on this one aspect, she could start to question the whole relationship. She gets to decide how she feels about it, without pressure. Calm reassurance and support would be my recommendation.
Ms. SQUIRT's body may be changing, or Ms. SQUIRT may have found in SQUIRT a sex partner with whom she is really attracted, aroused, and relaxed enough to let go more than she did with prior sex partners. That may also account for an aspect of her embarrassment and fear: the worry that she'll turn off a guy who she feels an intense emotional and physical connection. If that is something Ms. SQUIRT is feeling, suggesting that SQUIRT not show just understanding but a bit of enthusiasm, either through words or actions, might be helpful in getting Ms. SQUIRT to feel comfortable with her sexual response.
Okay, points for ending the column with "maybe watch some X-Men" movies", but points off for not also including "then follow them up with some XXX-Men movies". Depending upon Ms. SQUIRT's tastes and the quality of the porn, seeing people beyond just SQUIRT themselves (themself?) take pleasure and joy in the things her body is doing may help her come to terms a bit better.

On an unrelated note, should Roy Moore actually get elected by the people of Alabama on the 12th, I propose that we use "Alabama-ing" as shorthand for pedophilia and/or perving on the too-young-to-consent. Harsh, perhaps, but the people of Alabama will have thoroughly established that *that's* how they want to be represented to the country and world as a whole.
Her daughter and I broke it off, but it started up again after a week.
Passive voice has never been demonstrated more blatantly. 'IT STARTED?' Really?

As for SQUIRT, in my (very) limited experience the 'downward and outward' motion of a squirty orgasm is a very powerful, and different, sensation. Your partner may still be surprised and distressed by the novelty alone.
6-Otter-- Nicely done!
For RUIN-- You know you should never have taken up with Daughter. You know you shouldn't marry Significant Other. There are 4 reasons for this any one of which is sufficient for not marrying: You rarely have sex. You've slept with her daughter. Their lives will be ruined when they find out. You state everything in the passive voice as though you have nothing to do with what happens. Dan says getting out of town is best, and I agree with him, but I also believe you won't follow that advice because of the whole passive thing. So if you won't do that, here's the next best thing. Tell Significant Other that you want to sleep with her daughter, that you think about it night and day and that you don't think you'll be able to resist if you marry and that's why you're calling off the engagement and will no longer be seeing her.
Dan, you are funny and smart.
PICS—if you’re middle-aged and married, presumably a lot of the women you know are as well. I am, and I would be thrilled that someone still thought a picture of me was worth masturbating to. (Not that you should inform them, though.) Carry on!
...those butt plug columns of yore.

I thought Shakespeare coined that line. There's the Internet for you.
RUIN—anyone else think the mother already suspects something’s up with him and the daughter? She knows them both very well! And people pick up on those vibes. She’s pushing for marriage because she thinks that means she “wins.”

I think RUIN is a pawn in a mother-daughter competition. He doesn’t seem to have any attractive qualities in his own right, so it’s the only explanation for why they both want him.

Is that you, Aunt Sue and Cousin Molly?
@7 Is that Blowing the Finley Sprocket I, or Blowing the Finley Sprocket II Gang Bang Returns?

@9 indeedy! Comments on SLLOTD and weekly SL are one of the reasons I read SLLOTD and weekly SL! Dan's regulars are the best.
And perhaps the current political climate—a rather reserved way to describe the destruction of our democracy—is making my seasonal grumping worse.

Yeah, no shit. I'm turning sixty-six in February and Trump has me thinking, "Well, it'll all be over soon and then I won't have to worry about it anymore." It so depressing that I want to jump ship tp Amsterdam or Vancouver , Paris or London. Somewhere where the leaders are real and don't cater to those on the lowest rung on the intellectual ladder. But I haven't the resources and no one wants older people moving to their country. So, that's where I am. So much for enjoying retirement. This is not what I pictured.

Insofar as your column's tone, well, as you admit, you've been doing it a long time and you've probably just mellowed as one does. You're a family man, and your outlook is going to be different now than the young man's who wrote of his exploits at the Aloha Inn serenaded by KIXI-AM or inhabiting Helvetica. I'm glad you went through all that. It was fun, entertaining, and highly original, but you moved on.

I don't think enough people - particularly younger people - appreciate what a hero you were to the gay community when things looked so very bleak. You were remarkably brave when it was pretty dangerous (or unpopular) to be so. You are still very quick-witted (especially on your feet). I know you are probably cringing if you are reading this, Dan. Let's just say that I am so glad you are on my side.,,or vice versa.

So really, no offence to the person who says you aren't fun anymore. Thank you for your input. I disagree.
It's been pretty dry as far as news about people getting fucked in the ass by horses or serving up penis canapes. Maybe the truly twisted have been down in the dumps too.
@23 ~ Even horses are keeping a low profile nowadays lest they be accused of some egregious sin like licking a little too hard when eating oats out of their mistress' hand thirty years ago...
First they came for your grammar, now it's your sense of humour Dan. It's like these young people don't understand how seeing so many years of human stupidity and greed and sadism eats away at the ability to write perfect, and any number of abilities one sheds. Fuck em.

Hugs to you Grizelda, had weeks of rain here. Filled my tank and then some. Hate hearing wasted water. In a few months when the household is buying water again, I'll remember that sound.

RUN, you are a disgusting male human being.
Whatever weird story mother and daughter have going, you have been the catalyst for acting it out. Total betrayal of your partner, whether you two have sex or not. And you talk of marriage? Why, so you and daughter can keep this warped scenario going for years? Sick, and look out for the knife to your heart sometime down the track. Probably, two knives.
Rack off, piss off, however you can extricate yourself from this weirdo sad plot, do it.
@10 BiDanFan, @11 DonnyKlicious and @25 LavaGirl: Sending big hugs, positrons, and VW beeps right back atcha!
@11 DonnyKlicious: Thank you, too, for offering the link--sadly, I couldn't open it (internet blockage?).
@25 LavaGirl: Glad you got some rain. I'll remember to better conserve--I hate hearing about wasted water, too, as do many Californians--especially during a drought.
I was completely mortified the first time I squirted (and it was years before I realized what was happening), so I would hold back orgasms out of fear. Now I struggle to orgasm after so many years of doing that, so I hope SQUIRT's girlfriend gets over that quickly for her own sake. Squirting orgasms are amazing and shouldn't be missed out on! If she's worried about the mess, she can get a squirt blanket.
Yes Grizelda, and these fires happening now. So many homes lost. Such tragedy.
@28 LavaGirl: It's sad, further escalating evidence that climate change from overuse of fossil fuels is indeed, real. Here's hoping that the final results of the Mueller investigation will finally oust Trumpzilla, Pencezilla, and their cabinet of swamp creatures before there truly is an Apocalypse. Any remaining clueless idiots who still think Trumpzilla is "great" or is "Making America Great Again" can suffer their own self-induced butt-hurt until they drop dead.
Sorry, LavaGirl, Dan, and everybody for my getting off on a political tangent.
Back to "What Happened" in this week's Savage Love.....
Awww, shit! See, Dan? Even your faithful fans can get on political tangents.
Keep on rockin' The Stranger with Savage Love.
Griz is offering viral hugs and VW beeps to all.
I'm pretty sure we've talked about this before, but can we all get on the same page about "mutual masturbation"? The correct page. My page. It means people masturbating at the same time as each other. Maybe one person is kneeling over another person sitting on the couch and any free hands are holding or caressing or gripping the other person, or maybe they're lying next to each other in bed with some incidental touching, or maybe they're watching each other with a plenty of space between them and no touching at all.

You know what "mutual masturbation" mean? Simultaneous handjobs.
I was missing the key word "doesn't" in my last sentence of @31
Bauhaus @22: "Somewhere where the leaders are real and don't cater to those on the lowest rung on the intellectual ladder."

Ha, rule out London then. I'm 20 years younger than you and I'm thinking about jumping ship. To somewhere else in the EU... no wait... I won't have EU citizenship for much longer. That's ok, I'll be dead soon too, with no more NHS to take care of me...

Ankyl @31/@32: So telling that not even you're clear on your own concept!
@31, Anky, i have never bothered with mutual masturbation, so I'll defer to the one who sounds the most confident. Think that's you. I didn't sleep with my husband every night, or other lovers. So when a man was in my bed, no need for anyone to masturbate.
That all sounds a bit grim Fan. You really leaving London? Find a nice Aussie boy and move down here. Marriage Equality just pasted Parliament today.🎉
I know the term "mutual masturbation" from those purity tests from way back in the day. You lost a point for having engaged in "sex, oral sex or mutual masturbation" in a variety of circumstances -- in a car, in a boat, etc. Lumped in like that with sex and oral sex, I can only assume it to mean mutual stroking of one's partner's genitals, which is a far more likely thing for teenagers and young adults to have engaged in than what I'll call tandem masturbation. Why would touching oneself lose one the same purity point as fucking?

Lava, I'm feeling a bit grim today, could use some more of those virtual hugs. Cold and rainy and weekend plans have fallen through. Brexit talks falling apart, yet somehow, 51% of the British public still wants to leave the EU. And surely I can now find me a nice Aussie girl? :) Thanks to you and the rest of down under for being the one bright spark in the world today.
Big hugs Fan.
Of course, or an Aussie girl, or both.
Yes, it was a good day finally for our LGBTI+ communities and all Australians. A joyful sight in Parliament. Four or five morons held out, the rest said yes. Rainbow flags were unfurled in Parliament and the public erupted into song. Hollywood couldn't have done a better finale.
@37 BiDanFan and @38 LavaGirl: Sending big hugs, positrons, and VW beeps your way.
Agreed--cold and rainy is no fun, especially when mixed with a grim political climate.
@38 LavaGirl: Happy to hear about a brighter note about LGBTI+ in Australia! I wish I could have been there to see the rainbow flags and hear everyone in song.
@37 BiDanFan: At my high school, I circulated a version I named Experience Test, and I changed it so each Yes answer was +1 instead of losing a point. Also, some questions were about drugs and relationships and other assorted experiences, not just sex. Apparently even in the '90s I was against the idea of "purity" being a thing.
Also, tandem masturbation: love it.
roxanne345 @27 - I've squirted a few times and don't enjoy the feeling. Women are different and have different preferences.
I don't remember DS being as upset about the Robbing of the Democracy when the primaries were being stolen by collusion. However, the Russian conspiracy theory has twisted more underpants than a school of gnomes.
@43: It helps that it didn't happen. That's a comfort to me.
Ankylosaurus @41: I believe this is the version of the purity test from my late adolescence:
There was an abbreviated, 100-question one as well, and I don't remember a question about one's gender (just being male gets you a point? Talk about original sin). There are drugs and booze questions on this one too.

Dan @44: Knowing you're reading the comments is in itself a pick-me-up! Happy Friday all, may all of your weekends be fun and restorative.
@44 Dan the Man: I share in @45 BiDanFan's joy that you are reading and responding to our comments! It's great to hear from you. Keep on being so such an awesome sex advice columnist and author.
Happy Friday, everyone, and big hugs and VW beeps!
I am so sorry, but this reeks of conservative thisiswhatgaypeopleshouldbedoingtoentertainus

Bitch! (I am not so pageant) he's not your trained monkey!

45-- What a boring test, though I did kinda like question #65, have you ever "performed oral sex on yourself? (Yes, this is possible for most males, and even for some females)" and question #321 Have you ever "had sex or been involved in oral sex or mutual masturbation in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen gross weight?"
@47 Boem104: Um, excuse you. If you don't like the comments here, don't read 'em. You're not my keeper, either. Who the fuck died and appointed you God? As Dan himself has repeatedly said to people ranting against his column: 'If you don't like my column, don't read it. Don't like my advice, get your own damn column.'
Grizelda, don't mind @47, they sound a little unhinged. A few of them turning up on the treads lately. Dan, like the good dad he is, let's them have a moment.
@48; Fichu.. you Americans must be built different. There is no way I could perform oral on myself. There are tests? Catholic schools didn't have those ones. Funny. I missed out on all that school and boy stuff.
Although, the one I went to was in Victoria St, Potts Point. Not far from Victoria St, Kings Cross, where the ladies of the night were housed.
Those nuns.
I've been reading a biography of Jann Wenner. The editor and founder of Rolling Stone. That was a bible in the 70s, and Jann was/ is a celebrity whore. The amazing writers he got together and the artists. I lived for that paper, and still have a vast collection of them.
Anybody else reading an interesting book? When it's quiet, like this week and Dan's 😔, maybe we could do a share club. Doesn't have to be books: what's grabbed your passion lately and not a beau. A sublimated passion.
lava @ 52
I got two new garter belts.
Ah, yes, a handful of Facebook ads and a bit of transparency on the most scrutinized candidate ever were enough to bamboozle the dumb voters into making the obvious wrong choice. Such contempt for democracy, but it's those other guys who are the fascists, yeah.
I guess some strike it big in life, or are from the start born mouth-first into a nice silver spoon, and have a very keen sense of which side their tax bracket is buttered on.
New garter belts CMD. What colours did you pick?
@50 & @52 LavaGirl: I was wondering why @47 came off as so vituperative. The First Amendment strikes again.
My passions: music, classic VWs that purr like fine German cats as mine does, and of course, cats, themselves. All three have proven to be among my best sources of self-induced therapy.
@54 namahoo: I guess I can add that to my list of blessings to be thankful for--that I am NOT among those who got so horribly fooled on November 8, 2016. Now if only we, as a clearly NOT-great nation now can ITMFA and reclaim our democracy before corporate induced RepubliKKKan hell freezes over, I'd sleep a lot better. I find it tragic that those who rallied so hard for Trumpzilla and its swamp creatures hail from the poorest divided states and counties ironically most reliant on federal assistance and subsidies. They stand to get reamed the hardest.
London is, for a change, covered in snow! Which is good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I'm grateful to have a nice warm flat -- some of the old Victorians with high ceilings and single-glazed windows are lovely to look at but not great for staying warm in! Hope you're all cozy and warm (except for Lava, who I hope is staying cool). Hugs!
Yeah, it's piss, assuming it's, you know, a HYUUUUUGE amount, as you-know-who might say. Because where else but a bladder would all that liquid be stored?

But more importantly, as Dan said, so what if it's piss?
Lava @ 55
I got this one in “Champagne,” beige, as it is neutral and can play nicely with different other garments in all sorts of colo(u)rs. Click on the picture to enlarge it, then tap the arrow on the right to see the piece in different colo(u)rs.…

I also got this one in yellow, as it was the only one left in my size, small, not to mention being on sale.…
The garters are 1” wide red elastic that also make this piece a very nice fetish/sexy wear. The ruffle trim adds an elegant, sophisticated intro to any set of genitalia, especially when worn without panties.

Both are fairly comfortable for this type of garment, durable, work as a gentle shaper as they are wide, and have proven to stay where they belong in all kinds of activities, even for those lacking natural hourglass hips.
You should get one or three yourself.
That reminds me, CMD, have you seen this?…
Violet Chachki, a RuPaul's Drag Race contestant who uses the pronoun "she" and identifies as gender non-conforming, is fronting a lingerie campaign.
Seems a very body inclusive site, too. I may be tempted to do some shopping myself!
Just wanted to affirm that I'm from way back in the "Hey Faggot" days. Got into you and your column sometime shortly after moving to Portland in summer 1990.

And I just want to say this was a fine column! And I'm sympathetic to your dilemma, RE the difficulty of finding new material that doesn't involve messy emotional and/or ethical problems.

Happy 2018 Dan, and remember that there're plenty of us who've made a goof or two ourselves, and are willing to let go of ancient history like that weird climate in the US in those couple years after the searing national trauma of 9/11.

So let it go, the support of the Iraq War shit, those who insist on bringing it up to prove Dan's fallibility. NOBODY is infallible, and Dan certainly never claimed that status, so some folks just need to let it go and get on with life.
Hmmm. the facebook thing to me is "no harm-no foul" as long as no-harm is upheld (ie, no one really finds out). Then again, one of the hottest relationships I've ever had was with a girl in my grad-school class who passed me a note saying "I masturbated to you last night" (we hadn't talked much more other than introduce ourselves previously). But that's only cool if the other person likes you; i'm guessing that most of these people aren't waiting out your current marriage in order to get with you.

So, as long as you can keep your mouth shut, please masturbate furiously away to pictures of more or less whomever you like. If you might ever spill the beans, just switch to the women who are getting paid to be in pictures and videos that are intended for you to jack off too. Or better yet, if the "real person" connection is important to you, find a cam girl who will at least claim to enjoy the idea that you are masturbating to her for the low price of one $5 fee and a suspicious credit-card statement. That's pretty cheap peace of mind.
@14 we really don't need to be doubling-down on the anti-Southerner thing. It's crude and rude and no one gets to choose where the are born or grow up.
@59: I have good reasons to avoid Twitter.

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