Comments

1
And bringing a baby into this near sexless relationship/ marriage, that was a genius thought.
2
I think BED needs to take more responsibility here, and you let her off rather easy. She knew from the "get-go," as she herself admits, that her partner had a low sex drive compared to her own, and decided to press on anyway, all the way to getting married and having a kid. NOW she's decided that's not enough? It's not like her partner pretended differently or they once had a great sex life that went dark. She knew this was the deal, agreed to the deal, and is now contemplating breaking the deal.

So while I agree that opening things up is the best way to save this, it would be entirely reasonable for BED's partner to say "are you fucking kidding?" Of course, kid or no kid, BED doesn't have to stay if she doesn't want to...but she should proceed with the acknowledgment that, according the rules established in this particular relationship, she's the one fucking it up, not her partner.
3
Oh, and also, I don't think this actually qualifies as LBD. That term is applied, as I've always understood it, when a once-hot lesbian relationships descends into friendship, and the hotness becomes an ever-fading memory.

There was never any hotness here. Death for this bed occurred at birth.
4
I always find it amazing how unimportant sex is to the less-libido'ed partner until the question of opening up the marriage comes up and suddenly SEX IS TOO IMPORTANT TO SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE.

Good luck with that convo, LW.
5
Sometimes it seems like the answer just writes itself.

I would like to add, though, that a great chunk of this advice is stating that "dumping your sexual energy into a hobby" is terrible advice.
6
Sorry to say, LW, I think you're fucked. There won't ever be much changing your wife's sex drive. It sounds like it was never high to begin with. The best you can hope for is that she plays the part... which she's kind of already doing with your weekly sex hour. You've got a kid and I suspect neither of you are considering splitting up your nascent family over this. I'd wager that the spouse is unlikely to be receptive to opening the relationship up (and as a new parent, you won't really have time to take advantage of whatever openness you are granted). I think it just has to suck unless you want to make a rock-and-a-hard-place decision.
7
You know what else kills sex drives for women? Babies.
It may not be a cause, but it's a factor. You have to be prepared for that as a parent.
8
Super-minor nit - paragraph three (of Dan's response):
"And that's fine, that can be a rational_e_ choice"
should be
"And that's fine, that can be a rational__ choice"
(a rationale = a reason, rational = logical, reasonable)
9
BED doesn’t give her age, but I’m guessing that she’s now in her mid-thirties, and has found her sex drive is up, and what was once a disappointingly mixed matched pair of libidos has grown into a yawning chasm.

BED if I have to get real, your going to either have to (i) masturbate while accepting once-a-week scheduled sex, (ii) leave your wife, or (iii) cheat. I just don’t see your wife agreeing to open your relationship, certainly not absent duress, which would not be genuine consent. And remember, No. 3 will be very tempting, but the odds are good that it will blow up in your face.

For everyone not yet married, saying everything is great except sex is no reason to keep dating. You have to prioritize sex as much as (or more than) any other aspect of your compatibility. Failing to do that leads to unappealing choices.
10
Two lesbians having a yin/ yang thing going. Does that mean the LW does the mowing?
11
LW specifically says she doesn't want to do sexy with anyone but her wife, so suggesting she open the relationship or cheat isn't a very realistic approach. They were okay for four months, and then it became clear that her wife had a much lower drive than she did. Why did they go ahead and marry? and have a kid? I'm not sure she read the full contract on that U-Haul trailer.
12
LW, why now? You knew your wife was pretty asexual five minutes after you met her. A ten month old child demands a lot of attention. Wait till the little darling is two. My grandson does amazing displays of " But this is My universe, How dare any of you say No No No to me."
Bit suspicious of your timing for suddenly noticing the passion died way back when.
If you are capable of maintaining your love for your wife and child, I don't see it should be an issue to bring up opening the relationship. Surely she knows some of your frustration?
Just seek out very casual arrangements with other women and assure your wife of this. Though there is never any guarantees.
This once a week treat sounds so boring. How old are you guys?
This woman showed you who she was, and you married her and had a child with her. She hasn't lied to you. You've just lied to yourself.
13
For someone who would be happy with sex 3 times a year, agreeing to do it 52 times a year is pretty generous.
14
One way to enjoy flirting and exchanging sexual energy and ideas, without having sex with anyone else, could be to find an online friend that is into the same thing.
16
Zev @7: Except that BED says her wife's libido has paradoxically increased since they had the baby.

"The problem is that six out of the seven days in the week I am left to contend with my own sex drive, imagination, and desires."

Um, this is, like, everybody's life, isn't it? The lucky ones, anyway?
Sorry, I know that saying many people would envy your sex life doesn't really help when you're the one who isn't satisfied. But you agreed to pay the price of admission to be with her, and the price of admission, which you knew just four months in, was that she's not into sex. Dan's right, though: there are only three options here, since "raise your wife's sex drive" isn't one of them: 1. Stay in the relationship and accept that a not-bad once-a-week sex schedule is part and parcel; 2. Leave the relationship, or 3. Ask to open the relationship. (Sublime is right, there is option 4, cheat, but I'm sticking to the ethical options here.) Decide what's more important, your wife but less sex than you'd like, or as much sex as you'd like with women who aren't your wife.

And be realistic about the odds of finding another relationship that includes weekly sex. A bird in the hand, etc. Good luck.
17
I've tried to search but have had little luck finding the answer (or maybe the question hadn't been asked before, but I find that hard to believe): What if the higher-libido-ed person approaches the "open marriage" question, but is turned down. Would that not, then, increase the insecurity of the lower-libido-ed person and decrease the trust between the two? That would make the "cheating" option nigh impossible where it might have been a workable solution prior to asking about opening the marriage. I'm of the mind that if you don't think the open marriage solution is a slam-dunk, it's probably not worth asking for.
18
Which one carried the pregnancy? Not that it matters to Dan's answer, but that would shed some light on the business about how babies kill libido. When a straight couple have a baby, Mother's desire for sex often goes down as she's recovering from the birth, getting her touch needs met with all the breastfeeding, and losing sleep. Father's desire often goes up even if he's as involved a father as he can be caring for the child every way he can.
19
Four months in this was a problem and you waited 8 years to write and decided to get married and have a child too? This was no bait and switch, which is a completely different story.

Grow up and Dan stop this cheating monogamish crap.

Yes I've complained and wrote about the same thing.. I don't get why my spouse gets off but doesn't want sex daily. But I finally figured it out.

Yep she thinks she is incredibly generous that we do have sex once per week and I think she has a pretty darn good O every time and should want more, yet often if more often it is not as good, requires more work and really s it worth arguing and self pity. We have figured it out, and think we're happy.

I think about it an awful lot, I sleep with her every night and eventually understood we are both pretty damn good and giving about it.

The lw should understand the same thing and not complaining as she made her bed and should lie in it.

It is all about #-s and sorry 52/yr is perfectly fine.
20
Phewd @17: Good point; once the "can we open the relationship" question is broached, the low-libido person knows the high-libido one is already thinking about and wanting to have sex with other people. (But LLP already does know HLP is unhappy; it's not a huge mental leap from knowing your spouse wants to be having more sex to assuming that they might be OK if this "more sex" wasn't necessarily with you.)

To me, though, this does not justify cheating -- or at least it does not in this particular situation. This is not a sexless marriage. This is a mismatched-libido marriage. Both sides have compromised. In a sexless marriage, cheating may be justified; in a mismatched-libido marriage, the LLP makes the effort to have sex more often -- which she's done -- and the HLP employs patience and masturbation -- which BED has done. To repay Mrs BED for her GGG-ness by cheating would make BED a candidate for the CPOS Hall of Fame.
21
This is not 'LBD,' or any other kind of 'sex fading because we're too used to each other' thing. These two were mismatched from the beginning, and dug themselves into the present trench, shovel by shovel, AND brought a child into the bunker with them.
22
@4: It's not about the sex. The low-libido partner isn't really mad that high-libido partner is getting sex. Sure, they might be worried high libido partner is trying to find someone to leave them for, and somehow think that if they just keep them from having sex that will prevent that (hah!), or far more genuinely, they just not want to split their partner's time. Most people have jobs and evenings and weekends together. Some people just don't want to come home and not have their partner home. And can you imagine having a 10-month-old and your partner being like, "Oh, and by the way, I'm going to need an extra few hours a week where you watch the kid so I can go get laid?"

So one very important note:

*IF* the LW goes the Open Relationship route, LW *CAN NOT* allow that to turn into "You watch the kid while I go out and have sex." LW will at least have to make sure her spouse has equal time for whatever activity she wants to do on her own where LW is responsible for childcare duties.
23
Real advice: LW may want to find an online friend in a location far away and give ye ol' chat sex a whirl. Keep the energy up during the week and take it out on the wife at the scheduled weekend time.
24
The talk about opening the relationship so BED can get the sex she craves without bothering Ms. Low Libido for it begs the question. BED has said she wants sex WITH HER WIFE. I don't blame her. When I want sex, yes, I want sex, but what I really want is connected sex with someone I share a life with and love. I don't think I'm that unusual in this. For me, the problem with an open relationship isn't the cheating aspect or whether or not it's cheating, it's the affection that comes with the sex either before or after. That's in the best case scenario. The other one to be afraid of is the drama, the arguments, the disagreements that may also come along with having sex with anyone.
25
Monogamy (what might have been called Traditional Heterosexual Marriage in quainter times) (and child rearing, for that matter) is for mature adults.
It is not easy, or 'natural', it is the highest form of relationship humans are capable of; and not for everyone.
It requires sacrifice (giving up something that seems appealing in the short term for something of much greater value and worth).
It is, unlike what many folks seem to think, much more than just a means to steady easily accessible sex.

As has been noted above, going from 3/yr to weekly sex represents a considerable 'sacrifice' on the part of the partner; and weekly sex is by any objective standard a not unreasonable frequency.

LW lacks the maturity to carry her end of a Monogamous relationship.
Bringing a child into it was stupid, selfish and abusive to the child.

LW should move on to a relationship model more suited to her true wants and maturity level and let her partner work out a life that works for her and the baby.
And also pay a buttload of child support.

Hopefully this can be a Learning Moment for LW.
26
Also when a partner in a relationship loses desire for sex often it not 'sex' the partner loses desire for but 'sex with the person they are partnered with' that loses appeal.
LW might spend some time looking at herself to see what traits might be making her a less desirable sex partner to her wife.
We hear Selfishness is a real turn-off for some women...
27
And while 'divorce' is usually harmful to the kids on some level we suspect that the ten month old this couple 'shares' will not be harmed in any way whatsoever if LW disappears from the scene. That will not be as true if/as the relationships are prolonged.
28
Fichu @24: Excellent point. Even an open relationship may not solve BED's problem. She doesn't want casual sex with randos, she wants connected sex. A True Poly Relationship would set off Mrs BED's jealousy in a way that the sort of casual sex LavaGirl proposed, but a DADT arrangement would likely be unsatisfying for BED and just leave her feeling worse.

Derwyn @26: Mrs BED did not want sex with her wife-to-be at just four months into the relationship. Mrs BED's asexuality is not BED's doing.
29
28

so what is your explanation for why she dried up after four months?

early menopause?
30
@BiDanFan: Derwyn (a commentor I've never seen before) is using the plural in comments @26 & 27. That style, coupled with the content, makes me believe him to be a familiar, recurrent troll. I wouldn't engage.
31
Nocute @30: Yeah, you're right.
Derwyn @29: She was always asexual. It took BED four months to notice.
32
@30: Wouldn't be surprised.
33
undead- congrats on the new avatar, a bit more appealing and certainly telling.
34
I'm thinking of other letters BED's letter is like.

I've fallen for a guy, have great sex with him, am really in love, but he ditched me. Answer: You may want sex with him, but he doesn't want sex with you. You can't force him. Move on.

I've fallen for a guy, have great sex with him, am really in love, but he's said he'll never leave his wife and children. He'll have sex with me occasionally when he can get away, but that's only every several months. Answer: You want sex with him more often than he can have sex with you. You can't force him. Move on.

I'm in the beginning of a relationship with a guy who's great for me in every way except sex. I'm really in love, and we get along so well. Answer: Choose what's more important to you. If it's companionship, forever hold your peace. If it's sex, move on.

I've been in a relationship for several years with a guy who's great for me in every way except sex. I'm really in love, and we get along so well. We have a baby. Answer: Wish you'd asked this several years ago, but here goes: Choose what's best for the baby. That might be divorce and moving on.
35
Again I will repeat 1x/wk is pretty good if that mismatched.

Dan loves to us the phrase unicorn. To me it would be two people with completely matched drives sustained over multiple years.

How often I read about couples going at it like bunnies and being a male Am convinced it is the man and this patriarchy that has the female acquiescing to this amount.

And again Dan suggests opening things. Won't help and not sure anything will when you wanted 7 years and 8 months to write.
36
Again I will repeat 1x/wk is pretty good if that mismatched.

Dan loves to use the phrase unicorn. To me it would be two people with completely matched drives sustained over multiple years.

How often I read about couples going at it like bunnies and being a male Am convinced it is the man and this patriarchy that has the female acquiescing to this amount.

And again Dan suggests opening things up. Won't help and not sure anything will when you waited 7 years and 8 months to write.
37
@33: I should really change the username as well, it's been many years on this late night one-note joke. I do enjoy giving perspective that would horrify my namesake, of course.
38
@25, right. Just walk out the door and leave her wife with the baby, and you talk of maturity.
39
Sex given begrudgingly, whether it's every week or three times a year, is not a good compromise. Better no sex, at least the people in the LW's fantasies want to have sex with her.
40
Once a week with a ten-month-old is heroic. Suck it up, LW. You have an infant. This is not the time to open the relationship. And Dan has given advice to that effect in the past, and I believe would never have issued a non-monogamy hall pass if the LW was male.
41
I can't remember reading a letter from a man saying his wife lost her mojo four months into an eight yr relationship, which now includes a ten month old child. Most hetro men talk about a hot wife who suddenly left town and is there any way to get her back. Then one can suggest play time etc, to maybe spice up the bedroom. Is he doing his share of the baby/ house work, blah, blah, blah.
Not relevant here because the LW's wife has never been hot, never into random room fucking, being sexually spontaneous. One would assume from the wife's behaviour that she is asexual. Forcing her to have sex once a week is probably as painful for her as going without desirous sex is for the LW. But yeah, suck it up and continue the mutual denial with each other.
42
Enough @35: A letter from a WOMAN with a higher sex drive than her partner isn't enough to clue you in that human beings have a variance in sex drives, it's not just the stereotypical "men want sex, women don't" oversimplified binary?

"Unicorn" (which is a word, not a phrase) has an established meaning: a bi woman who wants to have sex with opposite-sex couples. Finding a partner whose drive matches yours over years, I would call the holy grail.

I do agree that sex once a week with someone who's indifferent to sex at all is a pretty good outcome, and that if it weren't, several years, one marriage and one baby ago would have been time to address it. They made some "until death do us part" vows, which BED did knowing what her partner's drive was like. What was she committing to, if not that?

Lava @38: Zing! Derpwyn 0, Lava 1. (Is scorekeeping acceptable in a trolling situation?)

Lava @39: I disagree that this particular LW would prefer no sex to once-a-week, tepid sex. Perhaps only if that led her to justify cheating, in her mind.

Queen @40: You haven't been reading SL very long, have you? Dan issues non-monogamy hall passes to straight men, gay men, anyone who wants one, presuming that they're either being honest or deprived of sex by uncaring partners.

Lava @41: Yeah, interesting to see the choir of MRAs not piping up to defend a lesbian who's being "abused" by her "cruel" wife who has all the "power" here. Hmm.
If they weren't married with a baby, I'd say she should walk away and go look for someone more compatible. But now she has commitments to honour. Sad as it seems, I think BED perhaps should turn to writing erotic fiction for the next five years or so (bonus additional income), then maybe explore either a poly relationship or a breakup once the child is older and co-parenting will be easier.
43
38
42

Yes, your way is much better.

Stay in a relationship that LW (and, truth be told, probably wife as well) are unhappy with,
let the 10 month old grow up to know who LW is,
let the child spend the next 5-10 years with the festering tension and drama as LW starts to cheat,
THEN pop the Big D and move on.

Much better than LW facing reality and moving on now while the kid won't even notice they are gone, while paying generous child support and alimony so wife can find a spouse with more realistic mature expectations from her.
44
I like Holy Grail....

As said I don't understand this letter of the day and only thankful that it was a lesbian writing It and not a male.

45
@35: “Am convinced it is the man and this patriarchy that has the female acquiescing to this amount.”

Are you assuming this (well past all the LWs for which the opposite is true) for any particular reason? It sounds more bitter than any attempt at equality.

I’d be curious if the opposite was true, that libidos are regularly suppressed due to patriarchal effects. They want sex but don’t want their partners to want it “too much” or “more” than them, because fragility and control. Independent thoughts and fantasy and even private masturbation is a threat to these people.
46
Let alone the choices of how, with who, how often...
47
I agree with Lava @12 that this seems the wrong time for BED to bring up the matter of mismatched sex drives. It's highly unlikely to make her wife open up more.

What BED wants is to be desired, to be sought out, by her wife. This not happening, though, has formed the whole shape of their relationship. They are a 'ying-yang partnership'. One is crazy, the other stable. One is hot-tempered, the other calm. Isn't their different attitude to sex part of this whole warp and woof? At a certain level, the LW must know this. She fears a life of caring for the child, duty, self-denial, adulting, decreasing sex, decreasingly spontaneous sex.... She needs to be open with her wife about her fears; but this isn't the time for a radical sex-life renegotiation or ultimatum. Possibly their future is an open relationship, but a few years down the line.
48
phewd @17 asks whether it's better just to go straight to cheating rather than ask for an open marriage with the risk of hearing 'no' and making your spouse more insecure and suspicious of what you do on late nights out.

I guess if you're in a marriage of convenience and you don't want to risk letting your partner understand who you are, then it makes sense to only ask for what you know your spouse is happy to give. Live your life with a pleasant mask on.

But if you hope to one day live more-or-less authentically with your spouse, then baby steps forward are the way to go. Let them know that you find other people attractive; that you watch porn; that you fantasize about other people sometimes.

When they react with insecurity, help them find a therapist and work on their issues until they start to accept that they have value and are worthy of your love. As they get stronger, let them see more and more of your desires -- admit that you'd like to have sex with someone else. Invite them to attend a swingers' party with you, where you just have sex together. Expand your dirty talk in bed to include fantasies of group sex or of watching your spouse fuck someone else.

Promise to take things at their speed if they keep working on their issues steadily, and show yourself to be reliable and true to your word.

That's enough to build up trust so that if you do eventually decide that cheating is the only path forward, after several years of discussions around opening the marriage, you'll find a way to cheat and get away with it -- until you bring an STD back to your partner, which is the most one can hope for in any situation.
49
@43: must we have to educate people like you here? Just because a baby might not remember one of their parents because they are ten months old, doesn't mean it is ok to abandon the task of rearing them.
50
@45 @42 seems pretty obvious @35 is making the exact opposite point, no?
51
45, 46 & 50, I am saying a male pretty much knows and may dictate when he has sex as he is the one having the hard on and asking/wanting sex.

The other either has it or laughs about him and his testosterone. And yes there are some who will talk themselves in to wanting and having more sex to make him happy or to keep the peace.

Sorry don't know if I've ever read or heard of men being coerced or just taking one for the team.

When the male doesn't want sex it just leads to frustration, and the male still dictates when there is sex or not.
52
@51; think we've had enough of you. Dan can stay.
You are talking shit. Turn your brain on.
53
@43" kid won't even notice they are gone". Money is no substitute for love, and babies need that to grow up healthily in body and mind. The adults, their needs are secondary now. Before yes, LW should have split, sad yes, but these things happen. Now, a child is on the scene. The way forward is not as simple as you think.
@47: Harriet, one is crazy and one is stable, that how you read yin/yang.
54
Enough @51: The male only "dictates when there is sex or not" if he is regularly raping his partner. In healthy relationships, both partners consent. And most relationships include two people, each of whom has a sex drive. (BED's wife is a rare exception.) If your experience has been that your partners laugh at you for wanting sex, or that you've never had a partner who has initiated sex because she wants it, I truly sympathise. You have picked the wrong partners.

There are indeed men who make the effort to meet their higher-libido female partners' drives. I spent six and a half years with one. (And there are men who DON'T make that effort; I have dated them as well.) And there are certainly men who have been raped by women. An erection, if present, does not always mean consent.

News flash: Women have clitorises. Women don't just have sex for men's sake. The existence of this particular lesbian LW should be proof of that.

I hope that you continue to read SL, because you seem to have an awful lot to learn about what healthy sexual relationships should be like. And often are like. (Though it's generally not those who are in them who write to Dan.)
55
Commie @43: Surely it could be said that BED should leave so that SHE can find someone with "more mature expectations" of a relationship, ie, that it will include sex on a regular basis? How is wanting sex with your spouse "immature"?

One possibility here is that Mrs BED would actually prefer a companionate relationship. If it's a chore for her to have sex even once a week, she may be relieved to not be expected to have sex at all, and essentially just be her wife's co-parent/roommate/cuddle buddy while BED gets some on the side. Unfortunately, that's not the solution BED wants... but give it five more years and she may see the value in having a non-sexual wife and a sexual girlfriend. (Why give it five more years? Well, she's already been putting up with this for eight, so she's certainly capable of waiting.)
56
@50: "seems pretty obvious @35 is making the exact opposite point, no?"

If their point was obvious, we wouldn't be taking them in the "exact opposite" context? Hence why I was curious about their clarification.

@51: "Sorry don't know if I've ever read or heard of men being coerced or just taking one for the team.

When the male doesn't want sex it just leads to frustration, and the male still dictates when there is sex or not."

For someone obsessed with Dan enough to make a bitchy username referencing him you sure don't read many of his columns.
57
55
When your spouse gives you sex every week and you are compelled to write Dan whining about 'whatever can you do for six days of the week burning up with fantasies and raging unmet desires can I cheat pretty pretty please?' you are selfish and immature and not ready for a grown-up relationship.

53
No.
'staying together for the kids' is selfish and cruel to the kids and never works. LW has demonstrated herself to be selfish and immature and unwilling/unable place her personal wants 'secondary' to her wife's legitimate needs, she is not going to be any better at doing so for the child.
58
Harriet, I don't sense the LW is crazy or her wife is stable and you sure are projecting a lot onto these two.
Wait four or five years, and by then the LW won't be feeling that love for her wife any more.
LW you do have to come clean with your wife. Obviously the once a week arrangement isn't satisfying you or you wouldn't be writing to Dan, and letting this mob here dissect every possible angle.
The demands of child rearing may be a factor in why suddenly you became concerned about an arrangement which has always been in place. Or the existence of the child, who needs lots of physical connection, has shown you how barren your sex life is, with your wife.
Speak your truth and let your wife speak hers, and proceed from there.
59
Derwyn, go away. You are not helping here. You obviously know zero about babies or women or lesbians. There's no right or wrong here, yet. No cheating, no lies. There is a child, who, I assume, both these women love. Their lives together are happy, the LW loves her wife. Loves her so much she's lied to herself about what she wants sexually. Yes, the LW could go another seven plus yrs repressing this, or she could tell her wife her truth.
60
@57: Lets get back to the actual content of the letter, shall we?

“She could have sex three times a year and be happy. She tells me she doesn't really fantasize and sex is not really that important to her. She also doesn't like to add new stuff to the bedroom activities, prefers to always do it in bed because anywhere else is too dirty or cold or takes too much energy, etc...

We've had a lot of discussions (and fights) on it and have found that scheduling sex once a week on the weekends down to the time is the only compromise that works for us both”

Disinterested, bitter, “I’m only doing this for you and really, I’d rather not” sex isn’t going to make her feel wanted, it’s not just the frequency. It was always this way, and she’s realizing that it’s not enough, and won’t be enough even when the kid’s older.
61
60
We agree.
The relationship is fatally flawed, moving on sooner than later will be much better for the child and better for the adults, as well.
62
I think that LW needs to buy herself a hitachi and get some porn. It's easy to scold her with "why did you marry an asexual woman if you had a high sex drive," (and yeah, that was a shitty decision) but it's done at this point, and apparently LW is pretty happy with all the other aspects of her marriage. So pay miss Rosie Palm and her five daughters (or their robot equivalents) a visit 6 days a week, and enjoy your seventh day with your wife.
63
Derpwyn @57: BED wasn't asking Dan "if she could cheat pretty please." In fact, she even says she is NOT interested in having sex with women other than her wife: "I don't want to sleep with anyone else but I'm just not sure how to manage my own sexual energy without her being part of it." Learn to read.

You know what's immature? Pretending to think about a child's welfare, but not considering the harm BED would be doing to Mrs BED by leaving her with a 10-month-old infant. Generous child support -- even if BED can afford it; women typically have lower incomes than men -- will not take the place of having two parents around at a time when this child is a 24-hour ball of need. Staying together to help someone you love care for a very young child is the opposite of selfish.
64
And perhaps if LW expended a little energy taking care of the child she wouldn't be fantasizing 24/7 and wife just might find a little more desire.
65
@64: Reread @60.
66
Undead @65: Rereading anything isn't going to change Derp's pea brain on this issue. I mean, he seems to think there is an inverse relationship between the sex drives of any two people you might put in a room together. That BED's fantasies are somehow sucked directly out of her wife's brain, leaving Wife with none of her own. What idiocy.
Tis the season to be stupid, trollolololol, lol lol, lol lol!
67
Lava @59: "or she could tell her wife her truth"

She's told her wife, repeatedly. She's advocated for her own needs, and Wife has tried her best to meet her halfway with weekly maintenance sex. This is the best compromise they can come up with, and neither is happy with it. They're fundamentally incompatible in the sexual area. This happens, and usually when it does the best advice is to break up early, but I guess at four months BED was in love, and people in love think they can tolerate all sorts of things.

If BED has the sort of money Derp seems to think she has for generous child-support payments, perhaps she should invest in a sex doll modelled on her wife.
68
@66: Oh, I’m under no illusion that he (or whatever Legionlike band of troll-demons allows him to refer to himself as “We”) will actually absorb her words.

I posted it so others don’t need to bother responding to his goldfishlike addle-brain.

Also, wtf @15? Emailed abuse about the SEO scammer.
69
@67, Fan. If the LW has told her wife All of it.. like she has here with Dan, and this weekly arrangement has been made, and she doesn't want sex with others, then why write to Dan at all.
70
A major point I think is being glossed over is quality as opposed to quantity. Any person on the high-libido side of a mismatched pairing would look at the wife's compromise of consistent once-a-week scheduled sex and say "what the fuck are you complaining about?"

But the LW also talked about being shut down for all the things she found sexy (porn, toys, etc), and so that once-a-week perfunctory sex is probably not to gratifying in and of itself.
71
@58. Lava. I was not using 'crazy' (or 'stable', for that matter) as accurate and genuinely close descriptors of what the two women in this relationship were like. I was coming up with loose terms denoting opposites, or complementary qualities, of the sort that might be found in a 'ying-yang relationship'. I _would_ think that the LW is more adventurous than her wife; perhaps, too, is more overtly emotionally expressive or risk-taking or spontaneous. I wouldn't think, though, that the LW was saying anything about their political (or cultural) differences or giving her sense of how much (she reckoned) each cared about the other.

'Crazy' was perhaps the wrong term to use; but I'm sure that using sometimes medicalized terms with appropriately pursed lips is the best way of being respectful towards sufferers of mental illness.
72
Boy you miss the point completely. I said if the woman is the one wanting more sex, seldom is the man taking one for the team and being able to happily keep up. He is just saying no and leading to her frustration. She is raping him.not the other way around.

I was saying some women in this society will keep up with their spouse/bf's libido because of pressure.

Please read what I wrote and don't jump to conclusions.

73
And wtf does that have to do with the situation we're discussing here? This is two WOMEN in a relationship together, one low libido and the other one high. There is no man present to 'take one for the team' or whatever else bs you're trying to push.
74
I think there may be a more fundamental problem than the sex itself. The LW says that the compromise works for both of them, but she has this extra energy she doesn't know what to do with because every time she tries to even TALK about sexy things, the wife shoots her down. The wife doesn't want to hear about the LWs inner life because it is sexual in nature, which is not at all the same as simply having a mismatch in libido. The LW talks about missing the other stuff around sex, like flirting and sharing energy and feeling desired. I'm guessing that the LW knew about the mismatch in libido four months in, but this other dissatisfaction is relatively new. It's great that the wife is being GGG about the frequency, but that doesn't outweigh rejecting things about your partner that don't cost you much to listen to but does a lot of damage to them if you don't. This might be a poor analogy, but I would compare it to listening to my husband talk about fishing. I don't care what the crappie are doing or the psychological and behavioral effects of the weather on fish, but I listen anyway because it is important to him. Maybe the wife doesn't know it is this important to the LW, or maybe she just doesn't care, but I think some therapy is in order. Opening the relationship (I don't know why Dan even suggested that, when the LW explicitly stated she isn't interested in sex with anyone else) isn't going to fix the fact that the LW feels rejected by her wife.
75
Just out of curiosity, why hasn't the low-libido wife been to a doctor to check her hormone levels and to see if it can be safely boosted? Why wasn't this even ever a consideration?
76
Lava @69 (congrats!): Because talking about problems does not solve them when there is no solution. Surely you've discovered that? She is grasping at straws here, and thinks that maybe Dan the Man has some sort of magic solution for her. Alas, Dan doesn't have a magic spell to reduce her libido or increase her wife's. There's nothing that can be done that BED hasn't already thought of. The weekly arrangement was the best compromise they could come up with, and it isn't working. Sometimes there is no happy ending.
77
Enough @72: What Sanguisuga said. Enough MAN already. There is no man in this situation. Men always be making it all about them.

Some PEOPLE OF ALL GENDERS keep up with partners whose drives are higher, in order to be GGG. Yes, some of those people are female. But not all. You're wrong that men never say yes to sex they're not in the mood for, in order to please female partners. I've just told you that my ex did. So you've missed the point. (And no, I didn't "rape" him. You've just contradicted yourself, when you claim both that women don't rape men, and that if a man agrees to sex he's not in the mood for it's rape.) Quite often, men feel that they have to live up to society's expectation that men want sex all the time, so no, it's not just women who have maintenance sex because of "pressure." And not all maintenance sex is in response to "pressure"; some people have it because they like the cuddling aspect, they want to be close to their partners, they want to show appreciation for the nice things their partner does for them.

None of this is denying that some women acquiesce to sex because of "social pressure." It's just saying that is only one possibility; you're missing the rest of them.
78
@69: “If the LW has told her wife All of it.. like she has here with Dan, and this weekly arrangement has been made, and she doesn't want sex with others, then why write to Dan at all.“

Why do many of these LWs in untenable situations write in?

Because they want everything, have tried everything, and nothing works.

@72: “Boy you miss the point completely. I said if the woman is the one wanting more sex, seldom is the man taking one for the team and being able to happily keep up. He is just saying no and leading to her frustration. She is raping him.not the other way around.”

Ah, so your troll name accurately reflects your true troll-purpose here.

@75: “Just out of curiosity, why hasn't the low-libido wife been to a doctor to check her hormone levels and to see if it can be safely boosted? Why wasn't this even ever a consideration?“

Because the wife is happy not having sex and has always been happy not having sex. The LW is the one who changed and wants more.

@77: I don’t think “Enoughdanalready” is working with a full deck here. Just another crank with a grudge for Dan.
79
@58. Lava. I was using 'crazy' (and 'stable') in a loose way to denote yin-yang types cohabiting or complementary opposites. I should more exactly have said that one was more adventurous (almost certainly the LW), one more stay-at-home or timorous--one more reckless, the other more thoughtful. It was maybe a mistake to use a word sometimes connoting mental illness in a pejorative or hasty manner--but my view would not be that sufferers from mental illness are always served by sidestepping round the extent of their malady.

I didn't think that 'yin-yang' in any way was meant to reflect on how the LW saw their respective degrees of commitment to the relationship or to e.g. fundamental religious or moral differences.
80
@56 How often I read about couples going at it like bunnies and being a male Am convinced it is the man and this patriarchy that has the female acquiescing to this amount.

Read as you did, this is "dog bites man". It doesn't make sense why it would ever be written. They're noting this because of the incongruity compared to popular imagination; and perhaps the facileness of modern internet feminists who are wont to tell you that women's sexual behavior is merely a reflection of the patriarchy rather than representing internal desires. IE, a woman with a high sex drive is a mythical "cool girl" or something similar, she only desires a lot of sex in order to appeal to men, blah blah blah.

If the poster was intending (I'm sensing some ESL) to say that that was true... well that's not a very illuminating post and I can't imagine why anyone could even imagine it would add to the conversation.
81
@76, Fan. Then this whole exercise has been a waste of time. The weekly sex is passionless, the LW has known this is the state of play since the beginning, a ten month old needs their nappy changed, and the LW doesn't want to go elsewhere for her erotic needs. Is this some sort of lesbian mind fuck?
82
Undead @78: BED changed? On what do you base that? Her letter says to me that their sex life has always been this way. One question is what happened at the four-month mark. Did the future Mrs BED pretend to like sex for four months in order to snare BED -- in which case, that was a pretty selfish and unethical move on her part -- or is four months about the length of time it would typically take BED to get intimate with her partners? Were they long distance perhaps? Regardless, BED knew when the relationship was in its infancy that her partner wasn't into sex and she was, yet she not only stayed, but made huge commitments to this woman and the relationship.

Lava @81: "Lesbian mind fuck"? No, a garden-variety example of a couple who are matched very well in other areas, but completely mismatched sexually, that occurs across the spectrum of gender and orientation. Why the Stockholm syndrome on BED's part, I have no idea; Mrs BED must be an absolute catch in every other aspect.
83
Then Fan, this woman must be very dim. Because she's locked herself in a room, thrown away the key and asks Dan can he find it for her.
Keep on with the masturbation, pretend each week her wife is hot to trot and look after her child well. Another erotic life hits the dust. RIP.
84
Indeed Lava, it strikes me as similar to someone getting a terminal cancer diagnosis and going to a faith healer. Your description is apt. Her wife won't have (enthusiastic) sex with her; she doesn't want to have sex with anyone else; and sex with herself is unsatisfying. Not even Dan can solve this puzzle. She does appear to have made her BED, pardon the pun. One glimmer of hope is that she says her sex life has improved since the baby. Maybe Mrs BED will find she reaches her sexual peak and has more energy for BED then?
85
@82 need it be selfish? I'm probably slightly-below-average in my sex drive within a stable relationship (2/3 times a week?), but in the first month or four, I'm as much rabbit as anyone else. If she were faking her sex drive, that'd be problematic, but NRE isn't just for a poly people, we all experience it.
86
Your Larry Page link was to - delightfully but weirdly - german language wikipedia.
87
No it's typing on a keyboard I can't stand and again saying 1x/wk seems quite ggg. Sorry I'm not cool or get the whole Savage love thing at times.

I was more pointing out Dan was understanding that it was a lesbian writing about the death bed as opposed to if a man wrote this crappy letter.

And heck physically a man can keep up the facade for only so long if he is not into it.
88
Sporty @85: 2-3 times a week is a MASSIVE difference from three times a YEAR. NRE would not have that pronounced an effect. And if it did, surely she could find it within herself to summon up a little enthusiasm at months five, six, seven...

Enough @87: I think Dan understands a lot more about queer women than you do. So you were surprised, upon reading the letter, to discover that wow, women have sex drives too? Congratulations, you've learned something. (Men can "keep up the facade," ie get an erection, when they weren't in the mood for sex, quite easily in my experience. All that's needed is some fantasising and the right sort of touch. And some men have difficulty getting erections even when they are totally in the mood for sex. There's not a one-to-one correlation between erection and desire.)
89
@82: "BED changed? On what do you base that? Her letter says to me that their sex life has always been this way."

Oh, I mean she had argued about it before but appears to be finding this completely untenable at this point.
90
@88 what I mean it's, "selfish" is a moral/ethical choice word. I hope you're not implying that or libidos, be they high or low, are a matter of choice?
91
@87: “I was more pointing out Dan was understanding that it was a lesbian writing about the death bed as opposed to if a man wrote this crappy letter.”

If something was different thing, it’d be a different thing, brilliant.

“And heck physically a man can keep up the facade for only so long if he is not into it.“

A man can be erect and have sex if he’s “not into it”, your weird and unnecessary attempts at comparison suck.
92
Enoughdanalready Nope, I'm a woman and I'm so hot for my partner that I pounce on them as soon as I get through the door. They feel the same. We've been together 4.5 years. Of course, we live in different cities and see each other for a long-weekend every 2-5 weeks, but I've done that before and my sex drive (for my exes) has still decreased.

We're also poly, which means that in periods when our libidos change and there is a mismatch, we are still having great, loving sex with our other partners. There's none of that pressure to have sex when you don't feel like it, which is guaranteed to kill my libido, quickly and permanently. This is the most loving, mutually supportive, hot, and healthy relationship I've ever had (I'm 42), and we both realised a while ago that we had just started assuming "'til death do us part" (without the ceremony) without thinking about it.

Women are not always being coerced into sex when the sex is frequent, but knowing that you will never need to worry about being coerced/shamed/begged to have sex is a huge part of it for me. I think that the common idea that the lower-libido partner *should* be having sex they don't want when in a relationship may be a big part of the problem, honestly.

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