I don't see a comment on not good with acronym's situation. Sorry if I missed it. I wanted to add that Dan's possibilities- that he's either too ashamed/repressed to vocalize his kink or it's so extreme that he knows better than to mention it- both assume that this man does, in fact, have a particular kink already. I think there's an obvious third possibility- that he simply wants to fuck other people. Evidence for this is that he said "I want to fuck other people". He says his sex life with LW is too vanilla, but offers no idea of what it means to be kinky other than opening the relationship. To me, it sounds like a guy that doesn't want to improve his sex life with his partner, but rather just wants to fuck more people. And he's trying to make the LW feel that it's her fault for preventing this- she's not kinky enough.

Harriet, regarding accidental anal (that endless and comical conversation), I think the confusion is the idea that it's happening without lube. If you are ALREADY having het penetrative vaginal sex, then there is lots and lots of lube present. It gets really wet down there sometimes. Also in certain positions, you are ALREADY in a position in which anal is easy. So considering it from the point of view of needing to prepare, get in position, lube up- that's ALREADY the case. The butthole is an inch away from the vagina where the penis is ALREADY thrusting.

Ms Thinking - I was also so inclined. But I've been having some discussions elsewhere about how the overall low level of gay attraction to effeminate men (allowing Mr Savage to be on the minority side; personally I'd recuse myself, as I doubt I've ever cared enough either way) is neither a sign of horrible misogyny nor an implication that effeminate men aren't men, and when the one reminded me of the other, I thought it too potentially distressing to continue.

@94 vennominon: Like Still Thinking and others, I, too, am glad to see you back commenting on Savage Love. Your expressed thoughts caught my attention, especially at the end. I can't help but think that since Dan has done so much good for so many people, that if he had become a billionaire thirty years ago he would most likely have been a philanthropist out to help serve the best interests of all people (not just the richest .0000000000000000000001%).

Here is hoping that 2018 is a year of thirteen months' overdue change for the exponentially better, and all the very best tot Dan and everyone.
XO, positrons, and VW beeps--
Griz :)

Harriet @101: Hmm, perhaps that's the issue then. Lube is usually not necessary when you're trying to penetrate a vagina, because the vagina produces its own lube. I guess that yeah, if your usual routine is that you stop and grab lube and take careful aim, then the concept of accidental penetration doesn't make sense. But during PIV, the usual routine is that you move into position (with or without putting on a condom) and a penis that's erect will just naturally slide in where it wants to go. Quite often, during nude frottage, a woman who is meticulous about condom use finds herself having to shift abruptly to stop a bare penis from penetrating her. It really does just slide right in without much effort.

Which I suppose was necessary to ensure the survival of the species through the millennia before lube was invented.

Put me in the "dont want to kiss someone just after i've cum in their mouth" club. I'm not worried that it'll turn me gay, can't I just be not into it?

Sportlandia, You can or cannot be into whatever you want of course, and yes it doesn't have to have anything to do with homophobia or gay anxiety. Just to be clear though, I don't think we are talking about kissing someone WHILE his cum is still in your mouth, only after he's cum in your mouth (and you've either spit or swallowed). Right? Or am I the confused one?

Because if a guy refused to kiss me after cumming in my mouth, I would find him extremely immature and be not into him at all. I don't think I could even sleep in the same bed with him. It would make me extremely angry. I get that not everyone feels this way so fine- we all like/dislike different things. But if a guy is that squeamish about it then I think he's got no business cumming in my mouth in the first place.

I remember when I was a teenager thinking it would be gross to kiss a guy after he'd gone down on me. When it happened though, I just decided to power through it so as not to be rude. After all, he'd just given me some nice head. And , like most things about sex that seem icky at first, it was not a big deal and I never really thought about it or felt gross about it again. It was just kissing like any other kissing. And in all my experience with guys, I've never had one who refused to kiss me after a blow job, cum in mouth or not. If I did- if they were that freaked out about putting their mouth somewhere their dick had been- yes I would not handle that well. But like I've said, I've actually never had that experience so I don't know how common it really is? Have I just been lucky?

Takes all kinds. Interesting to see the range of responses.

@108 i dunno what timeline the original LW is talking about, but the difference seems to be one of degree rather than kind to me.

I find it a little curious why you would find it so upsetting on a personal level if a guy didn't want to kiss you afterwards. I know that it sort of feels like an issue of reciprocity thing but thinking about it for a moment makes me realize it isn't at all - there's really no nexus between having a desire to blow your load in someone's mouth and subsequently wanting to taste your own cum; just like wanting someone to cum in your mouth doesn't indicate that you're really into snowballing or watersports or whatever else people might think follows naturally. There's a logical sequence of course, but as far as acts, they're pretty unrelated to each other. I assume that gay couples sorting themselves into tops and bottoms isn't an outgrowth of sexual selfishness, therefore it seems to me that there isn't an inherent need for strict-reciprocity in healthy, power-equitable relationships.

My current partner is someone who adamantly does not want to taste herself. Although it's a little disappointing, I just kind of assume that she, like you, found (finds) the idea gross. She tried to be a lesbian in college but couldn't get over the whole going-down-on-a-girl thing, so for her, "powering through" didn't quite do the trick. That's fine. It would never occur to me that it's a red flag of any kind, or that it's a deal breaker, or indicated any immaturity on her part. It's not like she'd like if some other guy wanted her to do it; it's just not part of her sexual constellation. There are plenty of other things we do that we both enjoy so it's basically a non-issue.

@110: Being angry that someone is disgusted with you for what that someone asked them to do means he doesn’t get another date. That’s not “rapey”, don’t be gross.

EmmaLiz would be angry because the man is grossed out himself by tasting his own fluids after accepting her taking it in her mouth, Dadd+1y @110.
Maybe the LW needs to spit it out onto her hands and rub it over her beau's face. Really good moisturiser, if a little sticky.

Sporty @109/Dadddy @110: I dunno, "you've just performed this quite high-effort sex act for my benefit, but now you're too gross for me to kiss" seems a rather shitty attitude. I don't think EmmaLiz is out of line.

I do think there's a difference between an immediate-post-blowjob sloppy snog and a five-minutes-past-blowjob "let's get back to making out." The former, okay, I can see it. Cum is NOT the best-tasting substance on the planet. But its taste also does not linger all night. I guess my opinion is, if your partner has just tasted something that you think is too gross for YOU to taste, you'd best show her how much you appreciate that. Refusing to kiss her, even well post-swallow/spit/rinse, is the opposite.

(Personally, I have a similar "eww" attitude towards my own menstrual fluids. Fortunately I've only ever had one partner who wasn't happy to let me refuse cunnilingus at that time. And he would definitely have to wash his face before I snogged it, yuck. But that's a different situation; that was me indulging his fetish, whereas a blowjob is primarily for the benefit, and usually at the request, of the recipient.)

@113 I guess your opinions make a lot more sex if you assume that it's the person who becomes gross, rather than someone's own feelings about tasting their own fluids. In your own case, do you not want to kiss someone after they've gone down on your during your period because your partner is gross, or because you don't want much to do with your own fluids? Why aren't you showing "how much you appreciate it"? Is "go wash your face" any different than "go wash your mouth"? How can you reconcile that with agreeing with EmmaLiz on this one?

Dadddy @115: Yes, because kissing and sucking dick are EXACTLY THE SAME.

Sporty @116: You missed that the going-down-during-my-period is NOT something I would normally do, and only allowed this particular partner to do it to be GGG. Is a blowjob something you've reluctantly agreed to, only because your partner is so into it? I thought not.

At any rate, I can't imagine not taking a swig of water after I've had a load in my mouth, so perhaps that's colouring my judgment here. Like I said, I'm picturing a situation where a guy was so ungrateful after a blowjob that he refused to kiss his partner, even after a swish with water or a lapse of time sufficient for saliva to clear the taste. If the guy was still being "I'm not even going to kiss you now," I probably wouldn't get "angry," but I can see why someone else would.

Great typo, by the way.

Dadddy: I think this week's third letter is about you.

Sporty:
I find it a little curious why you would find it so upsetting on a personal level if a guy didn't want to kiss you afterwards.

I find it curious that you refuse to kiss someone after they've given you a blow job. Who said anything about tasting your own cum? I don't hold cum in my mouth and ask someone to kiss me. We aren't talking about eating your own cum. We are talking about kissing someone after a blow job takes place. I'm not going to get up and go gargle and then return to bed, and if an act takes kissing off the table for the rest of the night, I wouldn't do it. And I told you why. If a guy is that squeamish about his own dick, then he shouldn't put it in my mouth.

Daddy, fuck off with that rapey shit. As I stated, I've never had a guy say he wouldn't kiss me after a blow job. I've never had one even act in the least bit reluctant. This is an entirely hypothetical situation, and I think it's not for me to refuse to perform a sex act under those circumstances. You are saying I should have to do this thing that I find offensive or else I'm being rapey? No, fuck that. The other person shouldn't do it either if he doesn't want to- and that means we aren't compatible since we offend each other. I would not sleep with them thereafter- they'd have to go home. It would be a dealbreaker. And don't be pedantic about word choice. "Extremely angry" is probably the wrong words. I wouldn't shout or throw things or make demands. But if I gave a guy a blow job and then later we are making out or moving on to other things (or even post-sex cuddling) and he was acting like my mouth is too gross to put his mouth on, yes that would offend me and I'd tell him to leave and never see him again or else I would leave and never see him again. The alternative- that I just continue and don't kiss him- would be impossible because his foolishness would leave me cold and offended and there'd be no way we could continue any physical affection.

Also for clarification- yes I'm talking about a situation as described by BDF- taking any kissing off the table just because your dick/cum has been in my mouth- which is not the same thing as expecting someone to kiss you with a mouthful of cum which is entirely different. But as I said, I can't believe this is a common issue. I've NEVER had a guy in real life refuse to kiss me after a blow job. Never. And I've been with a lot of guys. So I don't know if I've just been lucky or if this behavior correlates with other behaviors that I've kept off my radar. But if someone did act like I was gross after doing this thing that they wanted, for sure that would make them incompatible with me sexually and there'd be no point in us continuing. So time to take your blow job and go home, buddy.

@Sportlandia 113

Regarding the period. I don't want guys going down on me while I'm on my period. Part of the reason is, yes, I don't want period blood in my mouth and I would not expect someone else to put period blood in his mouth. That's my whole point. If it's gross for me, I wouldn't expect you to do it. Unless it's YOU that wanted it for YOUR own desires, not mine. On the other hand, as I've explained, I don't find it hot or thrilling or anything to taste my own vaginal fluids. But I enjoy oral sex and I know it's not really a big deal so I made a decision to not be squeamish about kissing a guy after he went down on me. And guess what? Turns out it isn't any big deal and after the first time, I never really thought about it again. Just like armpits and sweat are generally gross substances but when I'm fucking someone I find I could drink their sweat with a straw. Bodily fluids are a part of sex, and I can not get into doing something that someone else finds repulsive, and if you find your dick/cum that repulsive, then I sure as hell am not going to put it in my mouth.

Sorry that last one I meant 116, not 113.

@120 I guess what I'm really wondering is why you seem to take so personally, that you "wouldn't even be able to look at them" if they didn't share your ability to "get over it". Like, surely you wouldn't consider someone grossly immature if they weren't into else, right? And it's not like when you go to kiss someone who's lips and face are covered with (is there a name for a woman's naturally-lubricating fluid?) that they themselves have become gross simply by being contaminated by you, but the presence of your own bodily fluids that you aren't especially into (that is, you are just as into the person as ever).

Getting Over It is all well and good, but speaking as someone who thinks that people should Get Over things that aren't too-big-a-deal, I can verify that it's officially not a SLOG-approved opinion. "Just because you were able to get over it doesn't mean that it's fair to assume other people should be able to get over it just as easily".

Sporty @122: "is there a name for a woman's naturally-lubricating fluid?"

I like the term "spooge" as a unisex word for sexual fluids. If you must differentiate (and I suspect you must), how about "pussy juice"?

Sporty, I've answered every single one of your questions already- twice I think. What is interesting here is that you have an opinion on the matter that I did not judge (read my first account) or try to read more into (agreed it has nothign to do with homophobia) and accept as how you have sex. That response would not work for me, and I've explained in detail why, twice. And you keep saying you can't understand it. Yes. That's right. As I said in my first post, takes all kinds.

"Facebook stalking for spank bank purposes is fine—we all do it"

Uh, no. No we most certainly do not.