Straight guy, divorced, pushing 50. I've been with my girlfriend—straight, divorced, pushing 40—for two years and have zero complaints. In a lifetime of great and terrible relationships, I've never been happier. She is funny, smart, loving, sexy, and by a large margin the horniest woman it's been my very good fortune to know. So, why I'm writing? More often than not, when she comes, it's preceded by copious amounts of liquid something. Like, soaking, like, someone poured half a coffee cup of warm water onto the bed. It clearly feels good for her while it happens. I'm not complaining.

Not complaining... but this is new for me. Everyone else I've been with has had a variety of ways and manifestations of coming, and I've yet to find one I'm not a big fan of. The gusher variety, though—I've got to admit it's not my favorite. My girlfriend only comes after lengthy vigorous grinding atop me, which, great, but more often than not, the bed below me and my entire, like, swimsuit region suddenly ends up soaked, front and back. It's not a slippery, glistening, sexy soaking, but kind of tacky, and rather than get rubbed raw and be unable to continue, I plead age and fatigue and wind up trying to go to sleep over a manhole cover-sized puddle.

I've gently probed this. She is entirely unembarrassed/unselfconscious about it. She says she'd never been orgasmic before (straight out of FlatterYourNewBoyfriend.com), so this is new for her too. Again, no complaints. The focus of my concern, in addition to whoever has to launder the bedding wherever we are a guest, is her. She seems fine, but she has a vexed relationship with the toilet. She can never be far from a bathroom, and when she has to go it's never not an emergency. Our small apartment has excellent acoustics, and her bathroom visits are always immediately and spectacularly noisy. (She's experienced plenty of my performances in there as well, I know.) She once wet our bed, which was terribly embarrassing but didn't traumatize her.

So. Should I worry about this, or stop complaining?

No Complaints

There are lots of women out there who squirt—the common name for this particular superpower—as they're climaxing or shortly before they climax. There are also lots of women out there with tiny bladders and/or bowel issues for whom every bathroom break qualifies as an emergency. It stands to reason that there would be some overlap between these two groups of women: some women who squirt also have bladder/bowel issues; some women with bladder/bowel issues also squirt. And while your girlfriend might want to discuss her bladder/bowel issues with a doctor—and, at two years, you should be at the point where you can urge her to see a doctor about X, Y, or Z (partnered people live longer and being pushed to see a doc by a loving partner may be one of the reasons why)—there isn't any research, data, or even anecdote that I'm aware of linking bladder/bowel issues to squirting. Just because both phenomena involve fluids nosily exiting your girlfriend doesn't mean they're related in some way, NC. So, yeah, stop worrying about it.

The real problems here—the real, practical, and solvable! problems—are that you're being rubbed raw as your girlfriend gets herself off and then left to sleep in a puddle after she's spent. Since both can be fixed, NC, there's no need to complain either.

Get yourself a couple of these...

These supremely plush throws are specially designed to create a soft, delicate playscape for your wettest erotic adventures while the inner barrier keeps your bedding dry. One side is an extraordinarily soft velvish, fluffy, or microfiber; the other is silky satin, making it a reversible, versatile, and titillating sex-scape. An inner moisture barrier ensures your bedding stays spotless. Toss it on top of sheets, sofas, and any fancy home furnishings that you want to shield from your throes of passion. When you are satisfied, simply throw it in the wash.

...and your puddle problems are solved, NC. Spread one on the bed before you get started, toss it on the floor next to the bed once you're done, wash, rinse, repeat. A girlfriend who isn't embarrassed or self-conscious about squirting is unlikely to take issue with a little practical accessorizing that allows her to squirt while keeping the mattress and bedding puddle free.

And since she squirts before orgasm and then continues to grind—and that combo of grind plus non-slippery/sorta-tacky ejaculate gets her off but rubs you raw—keep a bottle of lube by the bed and add some slippery stuff to the mix. You can also encourage her give your swimsuit area a break once in a while by grinding one out on some other part of your body where the skin is a thicker—like your thighs, your forearm, or your face. Good luck!

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2018 are on sale now! Get them here!