Right on. It's unfortunate that having open dialogue with kids is frowned on as amoral. Bought teen daughter her own toy when she started asking questions. Raising adults to have a happy, healthy sex life should be a parenting goal.
Maybe him and 3 friends were sticking into their ass. Simultaneously.
Rarely are we blessed with such a hilarious letter combined with such a wise response. Good stuff.
Also you know exactly what to get your son for Christmas or birthday!
This child is now 25 years old.
Further proof that kids have a brain the size of a hampster. “Why, Dad will never notice his bizarre dildo is missing, and he’ll certainly never find out it was me who took it!”

I am amused to find out you can fuck yourself with Jesus... so I’m pretty sure Donald Trump has an embossed faces of “Fox & Friends” butt plug up his ass right now.
@2 Sport - and which of the three was the penitent thief?

The best part of having to live with a teenager is how effortless it is to mortify them. I've had my younger boy ready to set himself on fire to end certain conversations with me. Heh.

I'd like an update from the LW. Did the boy cop to it? How excruciating was that talk? How did the renovation go?
Well, LW, at least he didn't find your inflatable Rush (really squeals!) Limpbah.

Awesome advice, Dan.
@DonnyKlicious #5 I think Donald Trump butt toys would be an awesome addition to the ITMFA product catalogue.
My Son Stole My Crucifix-Shaped Dildo
Aw, man! I hate it when that happens!
@5 DonnyKlicious: DAD isn't exactly the brightest either: It never occurred to him it was an inside job? *If* his kid used them?
Gross. Teenagers- they're a Petri dish of awkwardness, hygiene problems and hormones slowly growing into humans.
Good response but I am highly dubious of the existence of a glow-in-the-dark, crucifix-shaped dildo, so I'm calling fake.
@BiDanFan: ask and ye shall receive:…
@BiDanFan: ask and ye shall receive:…
@mightydoll - touché!
Also @1 Maybe I am alone in thinking it seems inappropriate to buy your child a sex toy. Can they not be left to discover that stuff in their own time and in their own way? Sure be sex positive, provide factual education, assist with costs of contraception, but that is all you need to do. Going out and buying them sex toys is crossing a line in my opinion.
Buy the kid a gift card to a store that sells such things, then "butt" out.
I agree. Don't buy your teen a sex toy. Talk to them about sex, talk to them about sex toys, and if you are afraid they are going to be using inappropriate or dangerous things if they don't have sex toys, then provide them with funds and advice about how to safely buy them for themselves. But I think it's a bit over the line to give them one. For one thing, who wants to be reminded of their parents while playing with their own sex toys? Gross. For another, they'll miss out on the joy of entering a sex toy shop for the first time. Though it's possible that those shops are over 18 only and might enforce those rules (or the ones that don't might not be the ones you want your kid to go to) so that experience might have to wait. Though there's always Amazon and Amazon cards- let the kids pick it out and buy it for themselves.

Plus, I'd think parents would want some leeway in shaping the narrative for different audiences. If the kid goes to school or tells some other nosey adult "my dad bought me a dildo and gave it to me so I could stick it up my ass" there really isn't anything the parent can say to deny it (if they don't want to take that battle head on). Whereas a kid saying "my dad gave me $50 to buy a dildo and told me how to stick it up my ass" the parent has some leeway- oh, he's exaggerating, we were talking about safe sex and I gave him info about safe practices, later he must've bought himself that toy, sure I give him money from time to time, etc.

Not that most teenagers would admit to such a thing, but there are those who would- there is a loud minority who love to brag and "shock", and there are plenty of adult busy bodies who love to get in other people's business, especially if it means they can display their righteousness in protecting the children. So I'd be a little careful here.
@16 Plus how do you know what sex toy they would really want? Even if you have a conversation about it, if they're teens, *they* most likely don't know what they want, because they don't know what is available. They need to be able to browse.
An anecdote- when I was a little punk teen, there was a lingerie and sex toy shop in my town that sold boot laces and stockings that several of us wore to shows plus it was the closest place to buy bongs or pipes- the fact that it also had lingerie and sex toys was coincidental to us. It's just that nowhere else nearby sold them and there was no internet. Several of us frequented that shop as it was near some clubs and record stores where we also congregated. No one ever asked for IDs, but people were less strict about that then, and amazingly (in retrospect) I don't remember any of us having the slightest bit of interest (at least in front of peers) in the sex toys themselves. If you were giggly about the dildos, it would've been considered immature- we were all far too grownup and jaded in general to be so childish- like, eyeroll- you've never seen a dildo before? (though in truth I hadn't anywhere else). In retrospect, teens are so weird- it's hard to predict how they are going to respond to anything. I was too shy to actually admit I was interested in the toys- we had to be blasé about it. Then in college when I did go to a sex shop to actually buy sex toys for the first time, it was with some girls in college who thought it was a really decadent thing to do (ah, the days before the internet was a widespread thing!)- it was sort of a girl bonding thing. Then on through the decades, it's fun to go with partners or to buy things for partners, etc. I just can't see how parents could fit into any of these various experiences. Let the kid discover sex shops and sex toys for himself, don't interfere in that, yuck. Though it's probably harder now-These days, I rarely see kids out and about in urban areas alone, and they aren't allowed to enter anywhere fun anyway anymore.
Let's face it, how many teens are gonna walk into a sex toy shop and ask a salesperson where the dildo section is (if it isn’t immediately apparent)? Even if they’re not too embarrassed to ask, would they have enough baseline info as to which types are appropriate for butt and/or vagina play? It might be better to give your kid a gift card and a list of good websites to use.
Emma Liz is proven teenophobic :)
@CMD 22 - absolutely. Teens, yuck!
I have a suggestion for the letter writer. Since your glow in the dark crucifix dildo has been defiled & it has to go, why not send it to Brian Brown? He's just begun another money beg campaign (for NOM (National Organization for long as it is opposite gender marriage) in the event that Justice Kennedy retires. Knowing that Dan & Terry had their epic dinner with Cryin' Brian, it seems like a perfect place to send that crucifix. Label it "Donation Inside".

As someone who was shamed, guilted and mortified on a regular basis by a parent, I can't disagree more with this advice. Have compassion for the awkwardness and shame the kid is likely feeling around this issue, while simultaneously letting them know that they can't violate your or anyone's boundaries and privacy like that. Keep it simple. Be firm but kind. Provide a resource or two and let them know they can talk more about it if they want.

But don't be a dick to your kid just because they fucked up on something they are likely terribly embarrassed about in the first place. They're a kid. That's what kids do. Mortifying them just compounds the problem and teaches them all the wrong lessons about how to interact in relationships with power imbalances. Someday when they're treating someone below them like shit, remember where they learned it.


@25 I agree completely. If the kid is ashamed of his desires, who raised him that way? And yes, to Dan too, don't be a dick to your kid. He's a kid. His brain is still developing, and his thinking can't be expected to be adult yet. It's your job to help him, not crush him. He's not an adult roommate who "should know better".

As Philosophy School Dropout said, be firm but kind. And supportive.

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