I am a 23-year-old cis gay man living in the midwest and I could really use your advice. I have struggled with some level of body dysmorphia for many years now, and in fact, suffered from anorexia and overexercising in college. I have been treated and still see a therapist regularly for it, but the last big hurdle I am having with it is how I am attracted to guys. I'm attracted to guys with muscles. I enjoy watching body worship porn, my preferences on Grindr and Scruff are set for that body type, and I always ask before hooking up with a guy if it is ok for me to feel their muscles and for them to flex for me, because that’s something of a prerequisite for me.

While that's OK for hookups where there aren’t a lot of long deep conversations involved, it’s more of an issue for my dating life. I know objectively that I’m at least average looking: kinda skinny, good skin, a decent haircut, but I'm not someone with a bunch of beach selfies on his Instagram. My lingering insecurities about my appearance means I almost always perceive every guy I am attracted to as way out of my league. And even if I do manage to get a few dates with someone this anxiety stays with me.

What’s most problematic for me is that a lot of these guys like to talk about their fitness and diets, which while very interesting, are triggering for me, especially in this context. This even extends to friendly offhand comments about a slightly different haircut I should try, or just mentioning that I’m skinny. I don’t really know what to do here. I’m very private about my earlier struggles and don’t want to start off by giving a list of triggering topics and comments. I don’t know how to make myself be more attracted to a broader range of guys, and I don’t know how to be more comfortable around them when I do manage to get a date. Please help!

Thinking How I Nix My Anxious Nerves

While it's always a good idea to interrogate our desires—in order to make sure they're our own—a guy can interrogate the shit out of his desires and still discover he's only got one type.

That said, THINMAN, many people get with/fall in love with/build lives with partners who aren't their physical ideals. (Some people don't have a choice—someone with a centaur fetish is going to have to settle for non-centaur.) So you might want to change the preference settings on your Grindr and Scruff accounts and experiment with a few guys who aren't stacked—just to see if you can click with guys who don't live at the gym. If you can, great: you have more potential partners to choose from. If you can't, well, change the preference settings on your Grindr and Scruff back to stacked. (If you do wind up dating someone who isn't stacked, don't hide your kink from him—hell, you could wind up stumbling over a lovely, non-stacked guy who shares your kink, THINMAN, and the two of you can worship muscle guys as a team.)

And with all that said, THINMAN, and, um, just having just reread your letter, it doesn't sound like you're having any trouble attracting the kind of guys you're into. Muscle dudes who get off on having their muscles worshiped respond to your messages and they hook up with you and plenty of them are open to dating you. So even if you're not their exact same type, you are their type—which means you are in their league, THINMAN.

Remember: while there are lots of gay men out there who seem to be attracted to guys who look just like them—bears who wanna be with bears, twinks who wanna be with twinks, gymbods who wanna be with gymbods—there's no shortage of guys who are attracted to their opposites: bears into twinks, twinks into bears, gymbods into skinny dudes. Learn to take yes for an answer, THINMAN.

As for what's most problematic—fitness routines or diets or even hairstyles coming up in conversation—you're going to have to use your words. You've had some challenges and you've cleared a lot of hurdles and you're working with a therapist to help you clear the remaining hurdles—that's nothing to be ashamed of, THINMAN. So when a muscle guy who's into you makes a comment that could set you back, tell him that's not something you're comfortable talking about and tell him why: you've struggled with anorexia and body dysmorphia and you've gotten help but, at least for now, convos about diet, exercise, haircuts, etc., aren't helpful. If the guy you've just shared that with is an insensitive asshole about it, THINMAN, then he did you favor by letting you know he's the wrong guy for you. Don't waste any more time on him. But if you tell a guy whose muscles you've just worshipped about your struggles and he reacts with kindness and compassion, Yahtzee: he could be the right muscle guy for you. Good luck.