Okay, LW4's horrible bf "knows (her) pussy inside and out" after 2 years and finds it boring, but he's not bored of his own hand after TWENTY? He's a fucking dick at best and a horrible abuser-to-be at worst.

LW4's boyfriend has already undermined her like crazy. She *opens up her letter by saying she recognizes he's fucked up and that she's going to defend him regardless (and she tries to paint it as a reasonable thing to do.)

Thing is, she was already an abuser magnet long before this. It's pretty clear when she says that this abusive asshole is someone who she let become a step-parent figure to her children.

Run, LW. Run run run. Get a lawyer to give you advice on how to kick him out since he's legally considered a tenant even if he doesn't pay rent. Then kick him out and make him stay out. He doesn't get access to your kids either. If you deem it important for him to see them, ask a lawyer how to craft an agreement that will ensure he's never alone with them.

Then get yourself to therapy. You're just going to repeat the same mistake unless and until you figure out why.

Sorry, hon.

LOL Good grief, Charlie Brown, the incredible Joe Newton strikes again. I love it!

Well, if that isn't a kick in the nuts.
I'm sorry, it just had to be said.

Someone's not the one if that one gives none.

Kick him in the nuts so hard,he can see through time. If he still wants it, dump his ass or let him see someone he can pay for the "privilege." Sometimes stupid is just stupid". - Sigmund Freud

I have lived life without ever being kicked in the balls, not that I can remember anyway so, if I did, it wasn't hard. But I have whacked myself in the nuts really good by accident a time or three. I have seen people get kicked in the balls, hard. I simply cannot understand the appeal. You lose your breath, you feel sick to your stomach. You feel, and literally could be, broken down there.

@7 Quick, name an act that stimulates the nutsack's nerve endings as powerfully as getting kicked in them. Can't? Didn't think so. I'm not much into ballbusting myself, though I'd bust my husband black & blue if he wanted. Any boy I do that to will thank me for the privilege. Get your head in the game.

To kick, LW1,to kick him out. Couple vintage world cup inspirations:
Holland Italy quarter final 1978
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxVOCDGmnS0

Rivelino, a must for left footers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urSokFSa5H0

To me, the weird part of SAP is that she doesn't say anything good about this guy, even though she rounds him up to the One. She also doesn't mention if she's relieved or upset that he has taken sex off the table. She doesn't appreciate that he drinks, smokes weed, and enjoys time to himself, but those aren't terrible sins and they don't make him an addict. He has been living this way for twenty years and she didn't notice any issues for the first five years of their relationship, so it doesn't seem like the booze, weed or porn are interfering with his life.

The worst thing she mentions is that one time he called her pussy boring. Is that unforgivable? In the wide range of stupid mistakes married people have to beg forgiveness for, it's not nothing -- but I don't think it's unforgivable on its own. Dan extrapolates to say that the cruelty and insults will get worse. Maybe. Or maybe this was a lame attempt to ask about opening up the relationship, or about trying new things like more anal and oral, or kink.

Since apparently she likes him, and doesn't find the drinking etc. to be a reason to leave, then I'd tell him she didn't appreciate his rudeness, but is open to hearing what he actually wants. I would also keep a journal to track whether he slips regularly into rudeness and insults or if it was just a one time screw up.

Love the Charlie Brown cartoon! And love the PS. If he's asking for this EVERY DAY, either do it already, or if you're not into it, move on.

SAP: How can someone be a sex addict and find your pussy "boring"? You deal with him by throwing his ass out now. If not for yourself, for your kids. Jeez! You really want to teach them that a partner who behaves the way your boyfriend does is OK to have in their lives?? If this guy's The One, you're far better off with The Zero. DTMFA.

Tomahawk @1: Six years, and most people don't grow bored of their own hands after even 60 years. But yeah. If anyone told me they were bored of my pussy, they'd be more than welcome to never experience it, or any other part of me, ever again. Buh-bye!

EricaP @10: Now that's some grade-A spin, describing two hours a day of porn and wanking (so many questions about this! All at once? Don't most folks need about ten minutes tops?) as "enjoying time to himself." He must be really entertaining at parties when people ask about his hobbies. Describing her pussy as boring is not just cruel, it's a strong indicator he is or will be cheating. Run, run, run.

And where does a working co parent find two hours a day to watch porn. Either the LW is the breadwinner, in which case I can see why he enjoys being her companion, or he does it for that long with kids in the home in the evenings.
Whichever LW, surely you can find a better role model for your children then this man. And you could find a kinder man as your partner. I’m with the DTMFA crowd. And do it soon, he sounds toxic.

Cis erasure, bi erasure, trans erasure... Dan-erasure is now a thing. Very temperate response.

SAP-- Obviously you should DTMFA, but you wouldn't have written to Dan if that were easy, so here's what you do. Work on everything that will make your independence possible. Make sure your children have lots of relationships with positive adults in their lives. Make sure you have an independent means of financial income. Have savings in your own name. Become capable of doing for yourself anything that he does around the house or for you. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, fulfill your own sexual needs. Definitely have a bunch of supportive friends. If he questions why you're doing any of these things, shrug and say it's good for an adult to be independent. If he tries to cut you off from any of these things, take note. That way, when the time comes for you to dump him, you'll be able to dump him.

SAP is describing co-dependence to me, not one partner ratcheting it up so she'll dump him. And co-dependence can go on a loo-o-o-ng time....

Lava @13: Yes, good point. I guess that's why I read the letter as him moving into her place, which, on re-read, is not stated. I guess I can't imagine this guy having the "hobbies" he does and also earning any sort of income. He struck me as a freeloader, and a freeloader who doesn't even want to give her a good sex life, at that. Does he have ANY positive qualities? Maybe SAP should get some therapy to find out why she even -wants- to "move forward with an incompatible partner" instead of just kicking the bum out.

There are other areas that could be kicked, of course, and BF1 could well deserve such a kick. But it would have a deleterious effect on LW1's character, much the way that, in Cards on the Table, Poirot tells Mr Shaitana that some people may well deserve to be murdered, but it would not be worth the ill effect on the characters of their killers.

@SAP
Of course as usual Dan is right that you should DTMFA. But since you said you aren't going to do that, (until you are) make yours a 'companionate marriage'. What's that? Dan explains that better than I could, why not write him another letter (or search through past columns)?

@17 My impression also. Alternatively, he does it at home when LW and child are around. Not sure which is worse.

With regard to the ball-busting: bringing up something you want every day is the behavior of a 6-year-old. LW1 might consider finding an adult to date. If not, maybe she could practice on SAP's PoS boyfriend.

BDF @ 12 - "If this guy's The One, you're far better off with The Zero"

Nicely put, I'll have to remember that line. Indeed, I'll have to say it to a friend the next time we speak. Thanks!

Lava @ 13 - I think you said all that needs to be said. Hopefully the LW will heed your advice.

SMajor @20: Perhaps one or both of them works shifts. In which case, how would LW know how much time her loser boyfriend is spending spanking the monkey?

There's also a slight difference based on whether he's spending two hours a day smoking weed, drinking and watching porn, or whether he drinks, smokes weed, and spends two hours a day watching porn. A slight difference. Regardless, two hours a day, every day, of "me time" is not compatible with being a decent partner and stepfather, so if this guy wants to live a bachelor lifestyle, he should move out and move on.

Ricardo @21: Thanks! :-)

@12 Fan, most people might be okay with ten minutes but depending on medication this guy might be on, that could take longer. Someone I'm very familiar with takes medication for a mental health condition and it never takes him under an hour at the bare minimum. Two hours would not at all be unheard of if that's the case. Standard, in fact.

@19 don't make it companionate marriage.

I am rarely in the DTMFA crowd. This is a case where I am on the front lines of the DTMFA crowd.

SAP probably thinks this guy is "the one" cause he's the only one that's showed any interest in her. There will be other men, especially once you (and your children) get a little older. As we age the dating pool starts to fill with divorced parents. Go find some single guy that's a good father with his own kids--preferably one day isn't bored with your pussy after a short time.

The man you are currently with? He's already started with emotional abuse. Only a matter of time until it moves to physical. And do you really trust a drug ABUSER (not user) around your children??

@22 He's not a loser for spending time on what he enjoys. He's a loser for not also spending time on what he's responsible for, and for being an ass to his partner.

Gerty @ 24 - Although I agree with the rest of your comment, I must point out that we don't actually know that he is a drug abuser. The LW says that he is an addict, but if she hadn't noticed in the FIVE YEARS before he moved in, it's highly unlikely that he actually reaches that level (that's always extremely obvious unless you're totally clueless or both blind and deaf). It might just seem like addiction to the LW because she's suddenly confronted with it and has a low tolerance for it. Besides, he smokes weed, hardly something to really get worked up about (Canada is about to legalize weed across the board, and the biggest worries there seem to be who gets to control the market and how much sales tax is going to apply).

What she should be worried about is the fact that she accepts someone who treats her like shit as "round-up-able to one". That's what she needs to concentrate on (after D-ing TMFA).

Dadddy, BDF
“Gladys” has reappeared on the “My stepfather asked me…” daily thread @ 21, this time as a 61 yo.

"I'm in a six-year relationship with a guy you will probably deem DTMFA-worthy but I deem round-up-able to The One. My kids already regarded him as their stepdad before we moved in together about eight months ago. That's when I learned he's an addict: He drinks, smokes weed, and jerks off to porn for about two hours every day. He has been this way for more than 20 years, and I have zero delusions he will change for me. Recently he told me he has very little sexual desire for me, that he knows my pussy in and out and it's boring, but he loves my companionship. How do I deal with this so we can move forward together as an incompatible couple?"

This just . . . DEPRESSES me.
I wish I knew what this guy does or is that makes him round-up-to-one-able. There must be something. It's hard to tell what the lw really wants. Does she want a sexual relationship with her partner and is simply willing to accept companionate cohabitation or does she not care too much about sex, in which case the sexless relationship is fine. I suspect it's the former; otherwise, why would she have written in? I also wonder how old the lw is, how old her kids are (presumably older than 6, at least, maybe teenagers?), and, importantly, what her previous romantic relationships and experiences have been like.
Perhaps she's been badly burned or treated so poorly that this guy seems like the best alternative--as good as it gets. Perhaps she's desperate for the emotional support and the company.

I don't see the inevitable physical abuse that some others see coming, but I do deem this guy DTMFA AS A BOYFRIEND-worthy.

But he says he loves her companionship. And she's asking about dealing with this so that they can move forward together as an incompatible couple.

The answer I see is by no longing living together as seeing yourself as a couple, but by being friends.

The statement about finding her pussy boring is incredibly hurtful. Yet he's a "sex addict" who watches porn (for anywhere between 10 minutes and 2 hours, apparently, depending on how you interpret her statement) every day. So he's not attracted to her. For many of us, this a relationship-ending condition. For some, not so much. But the cruelty of his phrasing, the fact that this seemingly only recently came up when they've been in a relationship for more than 5 years beforehand and only recently moved in together is really troubling to me. I think that living with someone who doesn't find you attractive, assuming you still find them attractive and that you are not in an open relationship, is one of the most self-esteem-shredding things you can do. It completely undermines your confidence and then you feel that you deserve nothing more. If I were with this man, the alcohol, weed, and porn wouldn't begin to touch this as the defining problem and I'd break up.

I can tolerate a lot in a friend that I wouldn't in a romantic life partner. I don't care as much what my friend's porn habits are (though I would be concerned about any friend's alcohol or drug problem if I saw it impacting his/her life). Most importantly, I don't care whether my friends are sexually attracted to me--I assume that they're not.

So. They've been together for 6 years, but living together less than 1. Why don't they separate as a couple and as cohabitaters and dial themselves back to friends who like each other's companionship?

Thanks Ricardo. And hugs thru the airways.

To all those who followed the saga of the young submissive woman about to graduate with the older, married Dom from last week's column, she wrote in again, clarifying some more. (Also, a fascinating conversation between BiDanFan, Emma Liz, and Harriet_by_the_Bulrushes is still going on).

For the record, mea culpa: I got it wrong. This has never been a sugar Daddy/sugar baby relationship. EricaP and LavaGirl, both of whom had less charitable reactions to the fact that she's dating vanilla guys her own age, were right on the money.

Go read up and continue the advice, especially EricaP--you might be the person who is most familiar with her situation.

If we could still use html to make italics, "mea culpa" would have been italicized in my previous post.

Dan, why did you take bolding and italicizing away from us? Do you WANT us to look like ignoramuses or Philistines or to seem like we're shouting? We're civilized and expressive people, Dan. Please tell the webmaster to give us back our tools.

BiDanFan @12: "it's a strong indicator he is or will be cheating." That's why I recommended a serious conversation about what he is looking for, sexually. To me, having been through this something similar, I see "your pussy is boring" as a stupid way of saying "I'm craving variety." It is possible to negotiate a friendly agreement to see other people once people are able to be honest with each other.

BiDanFan @22 "Regardless, two hours a day, every day, of "me time" is not compatible with being a decent partner and stepfather"

Who made that a rule? You? She's not complaining about needing more of his time, or more income from him, or more help with the chores.

What she complains about is:
(1) what he does with his time -- if he were exercising, volunteering and gardening two hours a day, would everything be okay?

(2) his stupid comment about her pussy.

(3) their sex life, but she doesn't actually seem upset about the lack of sex. Maybe she's happier not having sex with him? If so, that's okay! It's okay to stay in a non-sexual relationship if that works for both of them.

Bottom line is that she gets to leave over anything or nothing. She doesn't want to live with someone who smokes weed -- that's fine, find a new living situation.

But since she says she doesn't want to leave, I'm giving her permission to treat one stupid remark as just that, a stupid remark, not the end of the world.

Dan's advice on marriage, for what it's worth (though in this case the LW is not married):
"A successful marriage is an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, forgiveness granted—leavened by the occasional orgasm.".

@33: Yeah, but no orgasms happening here.

Erica @ 32 - I'm pretty sure that if he's bored with her vagina at 6 years, he was already bored with her vagina at 5 years and 4 months. If he had a milligram of decency in his body, he wouldn't have moved in with her knowing that's how he felt. I therefore question his motives for saying this now, and I highly doubt it was just something stupid.

nocutename @34 -- he's getting orgasms, and no reason to think she isn't as well. She's not complaining about a lack of sex or lack of orgasms, as far as I can tell. They need to be honest about what they each want out of life and see if there's enough overlap to be worth sticking it out. I'm not telling her to stay -- I'm giving her permission to stay, since she wants to.

Ricaro @35 - I think it's absolutely normal to be excited about a transition like moving in, and then after things have settled down to feel hit with a wave of "so this is all it's ever going to be, forever and ever?" And then it's hard to bring up the desire for variety without stumbling into some version of "what we do is boring." As someone who has been through this, I'm just giving her permission to see one stupid remark as not the end of the world -- assuming it's not part of a pattern of disrespect.

Erica @ 36 - "assuming it's not part of a pattern of disrespect"

Unfortunately, Dan's boiling frog analogy is extremely relevant: patterns of disrespect are very often only perceptible in hindsight... Once you've managed to extricate yourself from a damaging relationship, you may be able to pinpoint where/when it all started to go south, but while you're in it, you keep hoping things will improve, and if your self-esteem isn't that solid (which I see hints of in her wishing to round him up to one because, as dirtygerty suggested @ 24, he may be the only one that's showed any interest in her), you just think it's because you're not doing enough to make it work. Haven't we all heard/seen this before?

Nocute, I agree with you above. Not enough Information! How old is the LW, the drop kick boyfriend and her children.
Dope, grog and excessive porn dominating his life, he sounds like a giant liability, and she mentions nothing that redeems him, as Erica said. A trust fund man perhaps? Or a whizz every night cook, or the bathroom is kept sparking keen. Or like one of my sons, his hand washing of dishes and pans, to die for. God I hate washing up.
Yes his porn use, if reasonable, is not a problem except he tells the LW he’s bored with her sexually. Why would any self respecting woman stay after being told that. Someone above said it, get to a therapist LW.
Otherwise, reap what you sow. Good luck with years of this shit going down and as Dan wrote, just getting worse. He doesn’t like your pussy, and you let him behave any way he wants in the home, next he’ll be finding other pussy he’s not bored with, as Fan noted.
Ffs woman, where is your self respect.

I’m sure the LW knows if this man is an addict. We all know how a addict behaves. None of his faults are worse than many peoples, bit of a smoke or eatables, some wine/ beer/ whiskey and internet porn.
What distinguishes everyday folk from the addict, is degree. The ability to self control, or non compulsion. I’m not fussed with drinking much anymore, my porn is in my head..my poison is the weed. And yes, as an addictive personality, the dope can get out of hand. But whatever.

@39 cont: Faults.. is not a good choice of word here, children arriving back to the property has reduced my already compromised ability making appropriate word choices.
These behaviours, related to grog, dope and porn, in any mature person are not faults, if done in moderation.

@13 LavaGirl: Excellent advice for SAP. I second Ricardo.
By the way, I'm ready for my 50 lashes with a wet noodle for breaking my own "golden" (@69) rule (see my comment from last week). Congrats in advance to this week's Lucky @69 winner.

Y'all ever wonder how evangelical christians are the only people who have porn/masturbation, uh, "addictions"?

One telling phrase in SAP's letter is that she wants to stay together because "he loves her companionship." Not because she loves his. There is nothing that implies that either of them is giving the tiniest bit of thought to her needs and wants, and I agree with nocute, that is very sad -- and a terrible example for her kids, as I've noted before. If her self-esteem doesn't spur her to do something about this for her own sake, perhaps she'll be motivated to end things to spare her children growing up to think it's normal to be treated this way?

Ricardo @35: Bingo. That's another reason he strikes me as a freeloader. And he chose to wait until after their finances were commingled to share his real thoughts. What an asshole.

Sporty @42: I'm sorry but spending two hours a day, every day, on ANYTHING could be considered an addiction. Particularly if that thing shuts out the people you supposedly care about.

@35. Ricardo. Well said. How can she think this a good (-enough) relationship? Would she think her self-esteem low, in need of bolstering?

Mr Landia - Tiger Woods?

@43 let's just posit that it's unlikely that any grown-ass-man could actually spend 2 hours jerking it. That'd be the jerkingest day or my life. Like, let's say it takes 10 minutes... that's 12 sessions! Every day? Who has that much in them past age 25? Her estimation makes this dude one of the world's most prolific masturbators.

BDF @ 43 - "What an asshole"

Indeed.

Harriet @ 45 - I do think it's probably hard for a single mother to find a good partner, but still, one shouldn't round up a .08 to one.

The two hour masturbation session is a red herring. If it's a daily habit, he probably spends an hour and 45 minutes looking for porn he hasn't wanked to yet, then 15 minutes jerking off.

@43 "Two hours daily = addiction," bullshit. You're using that arbitrary number because that's what she cites in the letter. The rule is that it's a problem when you use it as an excuse to shut out your partner.

As an aside, 10-minute sessions are sad affairs fit only for tasteless vanillas and public restrooms. In the privacy of your own home, you should be able to muster a little more life in you than that, barring medical issues.

We don't actually know that he spends two hours looking for porn, unless she watches him do it. He spends two hours online doing stuff he doesn't want her to know. Maybe he's looking up makeup tips for MtF. Maybe he's getting support for some undisclosed issue. None of our business.

BiDanFan @43 "two hours a day, every day, on ANYTHING could be considered an addiction."
That's not the definition of addiction. Addiction is when it interferes with your life. If I exercise or garden or knit or read books or play video games or play chess or read FB for two hours a day, that's not an addiction just because someone on the internet thinks that's obsessive. She isn't saying that he doesn't work or doesn't help with chores.

Hunter @44 "Have we ever had a letter from a man complaining about his gf's porn use?"
Not to my knowledge. In my own community, men tend to complain that their wives spend too much time volunteering with the PTA, and it cuts into time they might spend one-on-one with their husbands.

The LW says he watches porn for about two hours a day. Not that he jacks off all that time.
He saying he’s bored with her pussy should see him out the door. And for most single independent women I’d say that’s what would happen. This woman is a mother and even before he moved in, her children thought of him as their step dad. So there’s the hook, the kids.

LW, don’t hang onto this man because your children love him. If he loves them back, their relationships could continue after you let him go.
Staying with a man who behaves as he does and trreats you sexually with such rudeness, will corrode any benefit he brings to your children. Your daughter, if you have one, learns not to push to live a life where her sexual needs are being met, and your son, that men can do as they please, and a woman will put up with it.

Or LW, close down the pretence that you and he are in a sexual intimate relationship, and live as friends. Share the rent/ mortgage, etc, and enjoy each other’s company, and both of you seek out other romantic partners.

Ms Cute - If you have any good psychic energy to spare, you may want to send some to Mr Ortberg.

Mr. Ven, Why? What's going on?

Lionface and Erica: Did you literally stop reading just before I said "Particularly if that thing shuts out the people you supposedly care about"? Or the words "could be considered," which I chose specially to avoid making the blanket statement you have both somehow managed to read anyway? This man's porn use is causing an issue in their relationship, and it's more important to him than their relationship. Therefore it's a problem. No setting of the timer is necessary to come to this conclusion.

@Hunter78 Let's hold our breath together!

Ms Cute - Mr O put up what a lot of people took to be a real clunker yesterday. A LW got pregnant four years ago "while taking birth control pills". (Curiously, nobody made the obvious joke that one is supposed to take the pills before rather than during sex, but, moving on...) She didn't want an abortion; he did; she had one.

She is still on the pill but he has also been wearing condoms. In the past year, she's felt that condoms are making sex less intimate, less convenient, etc. (it's quite Opposite Week for Prudie - the other day the headline letter was about an open marriage in which LW's husband was the only one getting anything on the side) BF wants to keep up with both methods and doesn't understand why she would want to allow "any" risk (they still boink, but, moving on...).

While Mr O's ultimate advice that both parties' opinions ought to be on the table, heard and respected was sound enough, the framing was bad enough to unite almost the entire commentariat in condemnation. It apparently got bad enough that Mr Urquhart stepped in as moderator to delete a number of the so-called-nastier comments and stonewall with a defence that Mr O's response to the letter was "perfectly fine".

It seems a little calmer this morning, but there hasn't been any real trend in Mr O's favour.

I have a thought or two on where Mr O might want a mulligan, but I'll save them for now.

@56 it seems like a 12yo is infatuated with a 14yo and the parents have tried nothing, save for accusing each other of over/under parenting, it's like 'Big Little Lies' without the murderous sub-plot or any self-awareness.

@56 Oh, nevermind. I like @59's Prudie dilemma much better anyway.

@59 What Ortberg zeroed in on here was "Of course I’ll respect his wishes, and his perspective seems logical." which seems one-sided and extremely sexist, and while I don't expect you are willing to discuss this with me, I thought I could chime in, especially since I whiffed my previous attempt.

@57 Then say that instead of making some weird not-point about the period of time. That's something you posited, not us.

@6 inquiastador: Ball busting comes up often enough in this column that it's clearly a thing. Not my thing, but we don't judge around here, do we kids? Oh, and Sigmund Freud never said that.

@antiserumite and Mr. Ven: I read the column, but I never read the comments on that one, so I wasn't aware of the public response. Prudie's response didn't really bother me, nor did I think it was amazing and perceptive; it was a non-letter for me. I, too, was more disturbed by the 12-y/o stalking and harassing the 14-y/o, whose mom doesn't seem to see a harasser-or-predator-in-the-making.

I really like the question "are you boiling my frog?" It should be asked more often by people in questionable relationships, and by people with questionable presidents.

@65 Seriously! She is caravanning him around to invade that girls' space, he can't do that on his own, beyond schoolhouse misunderstandings.

Congratulations in advance to the lucky @69 winner!! May golden riches in massive abundance shower upon you, the fortunate recipient!

just to keep auntie happy

Oh, is it possible to exchange the golden shower with a Soma Intimates gift card?

Pushing it CMD. Next people will be asking for a free holiday somewhere.

@69 CMDwannabe: Heartfelt congrats! Well done and cheers. Soma Intimates (anything like Victoria's Secret?) sound much better than a golden shower----I'm not really into water sports. Could I buy you a beer if you're in Bellingham?
Actually, I'm glad to have well timed my @69 congratulation announcement when I did.
Although I'm not expecting a medal for this, @LavaGirl and possible others---see what I did? Hopefully this week's lead-in sufficiently atones for the Two Hunsky hogging I was guilty of--or not, depending on commenters' views--the previous SL.
Griz now has a new question to ask Dan and commenters: has my innocent little Lucky @69 game gotten old?

@71 LavaGirl: So---did I sufficiently atone from last week by leading into the lucky @69 winner? You're right, though. This low income veteran can't afford to offer free trips--sorry, folks. I have a grim little tale of a nearly disastrous recent trip of my own to share, as a matter of fact if anyone's interested.

Not at all Grizelda. A bit of fun, often occurring during heated discussions, reminds us all to chill, a little. I was just messing with you last week!
I’ll email you soon.
Congrats CMD.

Ms Serum - I feel rather like Mrs Musgrove being unable to accuse herself of having called Bermuda or Bahama the West Indies, for she had never called them anything in the entire course of her life. Are you new here? As I'm afraid I can't recall anything you've written previously off the top of my head unless you were going by another name, I don't know why anyone would think I'd be unwilling to discuss something with one. I merely specified Ms Cute as someone known to think we should grade Mr Ortberg on a generous curve.

"Of course I'll respect his wishes" was an extremely odd thing for LW to write. He isn't saying, "Don't invite your oldest friend who's verbally abused me three times to my birthday party," a wish a wife of a recent LW clearly didn't respect. He's refusing his consent to have sex without a condom. Now if his wish were not to impregnate her for another year or two, she could sabotage the condoms, but I can't think of a way for her to "not respect" him, as refusing to have sex with a condom just seems a counter-ultimatum at cross purposes as opposed to "accidentally" inviting the friend and not wanting the embarrassment of rescinding the invitation. I can just suppose that she might offer to take charge of the condom supply or "accidentally" throw all of his out, but that seems a massive reach.

Are you with Mr O in the "he persuaded her into the abortion" camp? I would lean in that direction had LW written, "I wanted not to have an abortion," instead of, "I didn't want," which is more consistent with its not being her first choice, but its being his first choice made her first choice less appealing.

Ms Cute - I didn't think it was much of a letter either, though I was a little put off by Mr O's high-horse treatment of the more reluctant partner on what was basically a consent question. I got a sense that Mr O just took a dislike to BF, and WANTED him to impregnate LW and be forced into fatherhood as an "appropriate punishment".

I could see various conversations - for instance, when if ever would he expect to discontinue he condoms, or whether he might agree to a one-off without them under certain conditions. There was one comment that seemed nicely to pinpoint the general dissatisfaction with Mr O's reply from what I think would be late yesterday evening on your coast, but it would be quite a lot of digging to find it.

BiDanFan @57 -- the LW doesn't say her bf shuts her out; rather, she doesn't like what he does with his time.

She can of course break up with him, but I don't see why anyone but him gets a say in his private time.

I guess there's little chance of our hitting the two hunsky mark this week? Anyone still up for a hunsky? Perhaps in next week's SL installment.

Venn @59: Perhaps that joke wasn't obvious because one also does not get pregnant during sex, but after it? So she could literally have conceived at the same moment she was popping a birth control pill. And it's quite common that it's the man who's the only current benefactor of an open relationship, because he's more motivated to seek outside partners than she is. The difference is that these women, if unhappy with that situation, find a partner of their own rather than write to Dan. (Unless the partner they wish to have is female, in which case they do write to Dan.)

Lionface @63: "Then say that"
I literally quoted myself saying that.

CMD @69: Congrats on the magic number! (Griz, I vote that it's not getting old.)

@74 LavaGirl: Bless you for just messing with me. It helps keep me humble and out of trouble.
@79 BiDanFan: Thank you and bless you, LavaGirl, Donny, CMD, and others who still enjoy my innocent (???--hee hee) little Lucky @69 game. I'm glad that it hasn't gotten old.

Griz is out on the prowl on her "born-day".. Red, red wiiiiiine......stay close to meeeeeeee.......

Nothing changes Hunter. You’re still gross.

Happy slightly belated birthday, Auntie Griz!

They say it’s your birthday.. you Leo you. Happy days Grizelda.

@83 BiDanFan and @84 LavaGirl: Many thanks! It was somewhat low key, but fun, and my beloved VW and I took another short top-down drive around the south side of town today. We hope to visit the San Juan Islands again, too.

Oh gods, we're almost to the point where PR agencies could have people working for them who were born after "pegging" was coined. To be fair to that intern, ze was still probably only 1 or 2 in 2001.

SAP's wording is ambiguous: is the guy drinking, smoking, and jerking off for a total of 2 hours a day between all three activities? Doing all at once for two hours? Jerking off for two hours daily and smoking/drinking for some unspecified amount of time, daily or on some other frequency? The "boring" comment is maybe not the best phrasing (assuming it's verbatim and not SAP editorializing), but the full sentence just sounds like someone who likes the current relationship overall and craves sexual variety and who is maybe a bit inarticulate about expressing that, none of which is unusual or especially cruel to my eye: "Recently he told me he has very little sexual desire for me, that he knows my pussy in and out and it's boring, but he loves my companionship."

For SKYPE, I say don't bother. I don't see the appeal of sexy video chats (or phone sex, or "sexting" for that matter), either, and going a couple months without watching your guy masturbate on video/him watching you masturbate isn't going to kill either of you. So if it's not your thing, just don't do it; if it's HIS thing in a big way and you want to be accommodating, he's the best person to tell you what works well for him, so ask him what he thinks makes for a good sexy video chat.

NON: More sex than you want to be having is too much, as is so much sex that you're neglecting important responsibilities in order to have sex. Any amount of sex that isn't more than you want to be having and isn't taking you away from important obligations isn't too much.

@35: "I'm pretty sure that if he's bored with her vagina at 6 years, he was already bored with her vagina at 5 years and 4 months. If he had a milligram of decency in his body, he wouldn't have moved in with her knowing that's how he felt."

Maybe? We have zero details. If it's a slow process, where does one draw the line? One's drawing a line somewhere, and it's going to be a bit arbitrary when using a binary condition (interested/bored) to describe a gradient. Why at five years four months and not two years or three years? What if six years is actually where his interest passed the midway point, so rounding up to "interested" DID make sense six months ago, but with continued waning interest, rounding to "bored" now makes more sense?

Conversely, if it's not a slow decline but is like a switch flipping, then it very much could change within the span of six months. Either way, I don't think I can read that as any evidence of malice. As for decency, we can posit a scenario where SAP was looking at homelessness without a second adult bringing the household income, so moving in with someone whose company he enjoys and in whom he's still a bit sexually interested, if not nearly as much as when they started dating, seemed like the decent thing to do. I don't think we even have enough information to figure out which of the endless possible scenarios is more likely.