"He's great overall, except that we have absolutely nothing in common.
Oh, and our values are totally at odds.
Oh gay male misogyny. There you are again, you old rascal, you.
Break up with him. You don't deserve him.
A quibble: I think you mean "woo-woo church"......
Personally I would consider both having only other gay male friends, or having only straight female friends as a bit of a red flag.
@4 - Exactly!
He passed up a camping trip, says it all.
The Misfit toys sounds like a tremendously more enjoyable group than your exclusively gay male dream bubble.
People sometimes strongly dislike drag because they see it as just mocking women or portraying women as no more than objects on display. That perspective can be broadened by listening to smart, political, feminist drag queens, as for instance:
Sometimes I rag on Dan, but then there are times like this when he hits it out of the park.
Yes to everything.
@3: Yes, it's a "woo woo church."
Isn't Match.com meant to help you find your... match? These two have nothing in common, and, in all fairness to the LW, they both seem to think their partner should adapt to them.
I’m agreeing with DJSauvage: not having any women friends and only gay male friends is a pretty big red flag, possibly bigger than the red flag of a gay man who has absolutely no gay male friends.
Honestly, the only redeeming quality I can perceive in the LW is his discomfort at the woo-woo religion. But that’s just one of my own non-negotiables.
The sex must be off the chain for them to have stayed monogamous this long. Here in straightlandia I can't imagine lasting this long with someone I had so little in common with. (But then I'm a pessimist atheist who just started dating an extremely earnest WASP, so. But I'm happy to let him watch sportsball and work crazy hours while I read the New Yorker and sleep in.)
It sounds like the letter writer has a very particular idea about what being a gay man means, which is strange to me. I'm a straight man and all that means to me is that I like fucking women. I don't see why sexual orientation should dictate my interests, my friends, or my vacations.
That being said: it's weird that all his friends are gay men, and it's weird that all BFs friends are women. Also..... what exactly is it about the relationship that's great?
Boyfriend likes some of LW's friends so I get the impression that LW is the intolerant one in this relationship. Boyfriend should dump LW and find someone who likes him as is. LW is kind of a jerk.
And a note: It's not all that odd that for some grown ups, the majority of their friends are coworkers or former coworkers. Many of us leave the friends of high school, hometown, or college behind as life scatters people.
Am I the only one (and I'm a cis-het female so I have no dog in this fight) who actually found LW likeable, and thought his boyfriend was a jerk? Apparently I am ;-)
The vast majority of my friends are gay or bi. I just had to do the math on that because it never struck me as odd or in itself something crucial. I may have had my share of anti-straight moments here, which I stand by absolutely, but even I am having trouble finding flaws with this boyfriend that don't boil down to "different but fine." LW, stop acting like this is an issue with either of you. It's a dissonance in taste. You're not a good couple, just break up. It can't be that heartbreaking after only ten months and with a guy you don't even like.
The sex must be really great. These two are a complete mismatch, and LW doesn't really respect him. The only reason they're 'dating' must be sex.
Btw not all gay men are into drag queens.
@13 in the LW's defense, there is a certain camaraderie among gay men that makes them good friends with one another. They have far more to talk about and can empathize easier than they can with straight people. It isn't a criticism of straight people, it's just matching incentives.
Otherwise, LW maybe takes it a touch far, or rather, prefers it farther and more pointed than his soon-to-be-ex does. LW needs to find someone near-militant about their gayness. That's fine, but it's not what he has right now.
I love it when even the letter writer can't make themselves sound sympathetic. As much of an immature jerk as this letter writer makes himself sound like, just imagine what the boyfriend who should dump him yesterday must have to say about him. Or will have to say about him, once he's been out from under this guy's spell for a while and his head clears.
LW is a fucking manchild. Escape from this relationship Adult Gay Man.
Either the boyfriend pays the rent and works and takes care of him; or the sex is off the hook.
Sadly I think it's more the former that LW is a mooch and isn't happy that their paycheck is what they had hoped it would be.
Shit be thankful someone would take care of your ass
judgey wudgwy was a crab. fuck him!
@10: On line dating algorithms do not do JACK to find a match for you. That is a marketing myth. None of them work except to take your money--and some have admitted as much. The fact that an occasional person actually finds someone worth bothering with is sheer coincidence and the large number of participants in the dating pool.
I was thinking Dan would tell this LW to DTMFA but Dan was a lot more understanding. I don't think this guy is ALL bad, but it is true he doesn't understand his partner at all and is not willing to TRY to understand his partner. He should do his partner a favor and LEAVE.
LW just needs to end the relationship and (don't @ me) do some therapy. Boyfriend doesn't deserve his contempt, and LW deserves to understand why he's being such a jerk to someone who doesn't deserve it and do some course correction for his next relationship.
@15 YES!! cis hetflex F here
I don't think it quite accurate to compare BF's talks with his friends about the friends' children to Mr Savage's conversations in which all parties concerned are parents of various orientations and household mixes. And saying that all BF's conversations about X have characteristic A is not stating that A universally applies to all conversations about X. Mr Savage goes farther and asserts that A categorically never applies to X. I've heard plenty of "straighty" and even some "gay-y" conversations about people's offspring.
Otherwise, these two sound almost perfectly mismatched.
Ms Erica - Were you asserting that the only "legitimate" reasons to dislike drag were based in limited perceptions of the exercise's being demeaning to women? It was hard to tell.
In my time of being socially active, the political drag queens were the most insufferable ones of the bunch. I always gave the activity FTWL, and knew one or two practitioners who were amusing people when out of drag, and might not have been bad at their acts.
The other guy with the female friends needs to DTMFA. The letter writer is a Jett.
I've been with my partner/husband for 30+ years. I gotta agree with a lot Dan said.
We have some friends in common, but he has some of his own friends and so do I. Sometimes we do stuff together with mutual friends, but sometimes it is fine if we do stuff separately with different friends, and that's okay. We have very different ideas on what makes a good vacation. Sometimes we take vacations together, and sometimes we go on separate vacations, and that's okay.
We both very much recognize that we are different people with different interests that don't always overlap, and that that's okay. We have enough overlap that we get along great, and we accept each other's differences and allow each other some space.
That said, neither of us has any differences that are deal-killers. I'm not a complete door mat. If he had strong differences in religious beliefs, for example, that would be a deal-killer for me, and we wouldn't have lasted 10 months. If your partner has some differences that are deal-killers, then the relationship is doomed. You're not going to be able to change him, and you're not going to be able to get over the deal-killing difference. Time to move on.
"I don't have any problem with women, but I don't hang out with any women, and neither do most of my friends." Mm-hm.
I've read this letter multiple times and I'm at the point where I don't think it's real. It's too well done. You hear that, OMO? I think you're so utterly unlikable while being convinced of your own perfection that you can't be real.
@29 Johnny: I laughed out loud. My first thought was "a Jett? like Joan Jett? I'm truly an Old now I gotta look up more slang"
To all those who say that the LW is childish and his BF is better, read the paragraph about the church again. That, to me, is some serious lack of respect of the LW's beliefs, and the BF blaming the LW for not being supportive is a mixture of passive-aggressiveness, bad faith and immaturity.
The church is the biggest red flag to me. You can have wildly different interests and friends, but if your ethics and core beliefs don't roughly line up you're going to end up hating each other. This is why Republicans and Democrats shouldn't date
Letter-writer conceals his misogyny by referring to women as the “straight friends. It’s misogyny, pal.
@28 you're a Jett Bandy fanboy, the keyboard knows.
“ the island of misfit toys”? Bet they think you’re pretty hot as well, LW.
I wouldn't want my gay friends to date either one of these guys. They both have issues.
Ricardo @33 Seems to me the boyfriend asked LW to share in something that was important to him. Same with the camping trip. LW has just declared that he doesn't do church or camping. Which is fine. The problem is that since LW has noped out of church, camping, ALL boyfriend's misfit toy friends (including "some old lady"), he seems to think boyfriend should drop all of that too.
So, what exactly do gay men talk about with each other that is so special? The fact that they can't reproduce? Dicks? The lack of vag in the room?
Mr Venn @27 -- Dan said he couldn't imagine why anyone would waste their time actively disliking drag queens. I was presenting what I thought the most likely reason why a man with lots of quirky women friends might dislike drag queens. His friends are "misfits", outside social norms in some way, and I wonder if they may see drag as trying to make women obey gendered norms (rather than trying to undermine those norms).
@40 Dicks. Guys. Cultural stuff gay people like. Other couples. Regular life but under the pretense that everyone knows the deal.
We're not thunderstruck by straight people so you guys don't get much discussion time, sorry.
They just aren't compatible, and instead of just accepting this, the LW wants it to be something wrong with his BF. There's nothing wrong with your BF- he sounds like a totally healthy guy with healthy relationships who has interests that are different from yours.
This dynamic has hints of a series of relationships I witnessed with a guy (and once briefly participated in).
A gay man's dream - handsome, virile, manly guy that turns most gay men into jelly - but carrying his own baggage about being gay. He does it in a subtle way though: the outdoorsy things; the weird religious clap-trap; hanging around with lots of women; eschewing the 'scene'; rejecting gay male stereotypes.
There is internalized homophobia in there (in the BF).
The problem is that LW is a standard-issue 'scene' oriented gay man.
A little too entrenched in it that female company and family-orientation are threatening to him.
If this is your dream guy, accepting the woo is a price of admission (one that I couldn't pay).
But it sounds to me that you don't really like much about him as a person, who he is or what matters to him.
You are unlikely ever to be truly happy from an emotional standpoint, and right now you can't conceal how many things around him that you hate.
You really do need to take a closer look at your own retreat from the heterosphere.
You don't need to surround yourself with fag-hags and tent-pegs but you could learn a little about diversity.
Regarding the comments about how weird it is apparently to have a majority gay or straight friends- I disagree. People tend to fall into social groups based on all sorts of random life experiences, and we don't have the background for either of these guys. Depending on your interests, work, social opportunities in your area, close friendships, etc, you could end up with a group of friends that is one way or another. But to me, it sounds more like the LW's boyfriend has a very close female friend (the one he wants to camp with and with whom he has the standing but flexible! Friday date) and their collective social group mostly includes women who they worked with. There aren't that many people who are themselves social- most people who have a social group are friends with the central person- they are not themselves that central person. And so your social group probably looks more like the central person than like you. The reason I'm saying this is, it sounds like the LW's boyfriend has only one friend group so if he is the outlier of the demographics of that group, that says less about him and more about the central person of that group. The LW could be in this situation as well, we don't know, but since his friend group happens to share his demographics, we don't wonder about it. If you've ever been the non-white member in a larger social network, then you'll see what I mean.
Neither of these two sounds particularly amazing.
But they do remind me of a relationship I was in years ago -- which also only lasted 10 months or so. The only thing we had in common was a mutual circle of friends. Neither of us was particular interested in the other's hobbies, she was 'church every week and sometimes an extra evening mass'-levels of religious and I'm agnostic-borderline-atheist, we had different life goals and priorities. In the end, I realized that she had a specific type she wanted to date and was hoping she could mold me into that type, and broke it off. It sounds like the LW might have similar plans for this guy he should be dumping for both of their sakes.
@42 Yes Lionface, that was the entire point of my statement. The LW's contempt for straight women is contemptible because her presence has no reason to halt conversation. Of course gay men don't sit around discussing vaginas, so please get your irony detector checked. Also don't assume I am straight when you know nothing about me.
Except EL @43, the boyfriend goes,
‘ oh but your not supportive of me and my
religion’, that sort of language is controlling. The LW is not into religion, and the bf needs to respect that. As for the bf’s relationships. Every Friday night he is unavailable to his bf, what is that about?
LW, why don’t you and the bf cut the crap and talk with each other.
you’re not supportive.
Rarely have I viscerally disliked a LW as much as I've disliked this one, and Dan's nailed it: he's a contemptuous jerk. Yay for gay male misogyny, yay for straightphobia. Is there an acronym for Dump Yourself Already?
BG @23: Oh, I disagree. I have met quite a few at least personality compatible, if not more, folks on OKCupid, and it's free. (One of them is currently lounging naked with me as I type!)
"It's not that I don't like women. I just find being around them to be torturous, everything they say and do makes me bored and disgusted."
@36. Mtn. Beaver. Ha!
@51. Bi. And you're on SL?
'He's uncomfortable around gay men'. If this lay at the bottom of their problems (it doesn't; there are more fundamental issues), then it would be incumbent on the LW to educate his partner about gay life. To take him to bars, to watch at least a little Ru, to teach him the history. Neither of these men sound as if they grew up in a big city, gravitating to the scene in their teens, or went through an intense time of exploration and self-discovery at or just after college, where (whatever job they had found or money they were living on) leading a gay life in a city was a major part of their self-definition.
Rather than finding either or both dislikeable (forcing myself to find them such, or having to find them such), I'd say they're just incompatible. Could they have a serious discussion about religion, for instance? Could one say, 'sure, materialism leaves the world a very cold place, but I can't bring myself to believe in this God', and the other, 'God is hard to understand. First of all, it's the thing or person on which we project our spiritual strivings'? I'm not sure either are without the defensiveness that would allow them to say this.
Seems like this jerk LW isn't well-suited to a match with someone unlike him.
Not the first time Dan used woo-hoo instead of woo-woo, which would be a fine joke if woo-hoo didn't already have a meaning.
Woo-woo: something espousing New Age theories
Woo-hoo: an expression of exuberant joy
LW is a great example of gay male misogyny, which unfortunately has a significant presence in the community. He should break up with his BF and find someone who is more fitting for him, which should be easy since he's pretty basic it sounds like.
@47 Sorry, your comment matched posts that were distinctly written by straight people that were unironic. Remember that on the internet, it's hard to detect tone.
@50 Fan, are you really upset by his heterophobia? You're on record as understanding where someone would come from with that.
@50 great idea! Would the acronym be stronger with another consonant somehow: DYA....DYOBS (dump your own bad self)......SOFADY (spare other folk and dump yourself)....🤔...
DYMFA (Dump Yourself MotherFucker Already)
Lava, he has a standing Friday night date with his best friend that he is flexible about and will reschedule to be with his boyfriend. This seems pretty healthy to me- if the relationship with the boyfriend were to progress, I could see there being a point where he should re-evaluation his priorities. The LW describes the friend as "some old lady" and thinks it's weird that he would take a vacation with her, so that might be part of the reason he is not invited to their standing date. Likewise, he does not like camping. So why would the boyfriend invite him to go do a thing he doesn't like with a person he doesn't like?
Regarding the church thing, if the LW's words are taken at face value, then I agree with you that is a major red flag. It's disturbing if he's pressuring him to join this religion- he should not have had to attend at all. He did, didn't like it, that should be the end of it. I guess by the time I got to that part of the letter, the LW seemed like such a negative and dismissive person that I interpreted his words as being that he talks smack about his boyfriend's religion and boyfriend has told him that he must support him- support him in his own religion, not support him in the sense that he must also attend. If you are going to date a religious church going person (and frankly in most cases I'd advice against it) then you have to be respectful of their beliefs- I took the requirement of support this way. But on re-reading it does sound like the boyfriend wants him to convert which is creepy.
Altogether, I don't see what either see in the other. But neither of their friend groups seem so odd to me as they do to others.
Both men live in two separate worlds, twice over. LW seems to have escaped from a restrictive, heteronormative one, so his default is to mock straight people. If he could live in an exclusively gay world, even a stereotypical one, I can see him choosing it. Camping? Yuck. Camp? Yay. OTOH, I wonder whether the BF just came out recently. He's tried to fit in so much with his straight friends (I'm just like you. Really!) to the exclusion of his own sexuality and the value he places on his relationship with his lover. Taken to its extreme, would BF cut their honeymoon short because of his long-standing date with Susan? Loyalty is a terrific thing, but there is such a thing as setting priorities.
The religious differences are more troubling. Even if marriage isn't the immediate goal, relationships have a better chance when people are on the same page (or at least the same book) when it comes to faith. The BF is strongly associated with his more modern "woo-woo" chuch; the LW is generally atheist. Yet, the BF chastises the LW for not being more supportive! Huh. Would the expectations be the same if we were talking about political differences, say a Libertarian insisting his Socialist partner be more supportive?
These two are clearly incompatible, even if LW seems to be more visibly boorish.
Mirea @ 39 - Except that when your BF has already stated his strongly anti-religious views, respect means not even trying that BS on him.
Full disclosure : my last BF did the exact same thing to me. About one year into our relationship, he mysteriously re-converted into the woo-woo church of his youth. (Had he ever really left it? I'll never know.) His invitations were supposedly meant as a way for me to learn about something that was important to him, but I realized later he had been tasked with converting those around him, AS IN ANY CULT-LIKE ORGANIZATION.
Also, what Lava said @ 48: "the boyfriend goes, oh but your not supportive of me and my
religion’, that sort of language is controlling."
Curious @54: Indeed. When I read "woo-hoo church," I pictured something like the Pentecostals and their religious ecstasies. Woo-woo is definitely something else.
I'm pretty anti religious, but the church thing seemed like Boyfriend was trying to include LW in something important to him, and LW agreed to go but did not have an open mind about it at all. And one key factor is that Boyfriend was actually giving a talk at his church. So going along would have been similar to, say, going to see your other half perform in the ballet when you yourself do not like ballet. LW was a poor sport about this, just like everything else.
Upon reflection on these comments I honestly think @44 says it best. Points to Truck2 for the most plausible analysis so far.
I read the letter like @64. BF's mini sermons probably take some preparation and discomfort with public speaking and I took it more to mean that he wanted support for those specific lay addresses than for his religious practices in general.
That said, LW seems to exist on entirely different, shallower plane than his BF and it's pretty hard to imagine this relationship being sustainable. Dan pretty much nailed it with the notion that it's OK to have different interests than your partner but only if both parties can be respectful. LW is being a judgmental prick about pretty much every single one of his bf's interests and associates. He either needs to learn to chill a whole lot or look for someone with interests closer to his own.
I wonder if the LW is perhaps a decade younger than his boyfriend? I'm picturing he might be in his early-mid 20s, and his parter in his early-mid 30s. That would explain the LW being an intolerant little sod, the partner having 'some old lady' as a bestie, and having different interests. Sounds like it's a bit of a generational gap to me. Anyway, chiming in along with everyone else that the LW's lack of respect is going to sink this relationship.
Ms Erica - Okay; I didn't think one had to reach quite so far, that was all.
M?? Harriet - Now we can almost agree on the overall method; it's just the tactics. I'd likely substitute reading David Rees for the television, and perhaps add an American for balance.
This is why Jack and Will never dated. (Will & Grace reference)
How weird is this: I rented a room in my house to my friend to help him out economically. Think practically rent free. I thought he had no other options. So the day he moves in, he doesn't sleep there. In fact, he didn't sleep there for the first week. He sleeps in the same bed with his ex-boyfriend at the ex's apartment. And he's been doing it for 4 years! Prior to moving in with me, he was paying above market rent, like $1,400 per month, for a bedroom that he never used. In the 15 months that he lived with me, he slept at the house a total of about 1.5 months. He's 36.
Now he's got a boyfriend that he's apparently having sex with. But he still sleeps in the same bed with his ex. So he's got an emotional boyfriend and a sexual boyfriend. I asked him if the sexual boyfriend knows that he sleeps in some other guy's bed every night and he said no. I asked him if the roles were reversed and he found out his boyfriend was sleeping in someone else's bed after dating for over a month how that would make him feel, because it is tantamount to cheating in my book. He agreed but still does it.
Anyway, people are weird and there is so much variety out there in how people conduct their lives.... it's fascinating.
@67 If LW is in his 20s it would also explain why he's so aggressive about being gay and why he doesn't understand why his partner isn't similar.
@70 - you think you should be monogamous with a man you've been dating for a little over a month? That's definitely premature monogamy. Lots of men have gotten into the wrong relationship because they started depending on the other guy for all their sex too soon, and we're wired to attach emotions to the other guy in that situation, whether he's right for us or not.
For safety's sake, you should avoid monogamy for at least the first 6 months you know a man - if he's still who you want to be with, then, you know it's not mainly your libido talking.
It sounds like OMO did that very thing - and now he's stuck in a relationship that can't work. Premature monogamy is dangerous.
@64, Fan, going to a new age weirdo church, to watch his bf give a lay sermon is nothing like watching someone perform in a ballet. And the LW told his bf that being there made him very uncomfortable, that’s when the bf hit him with the you’re not being supportive line. So the bf didn’t heed the LWs discomfort.
Yes, the LW obviously dislikes/ hates/ puts down women and straight people. Imagine if a straight woman wrote in referring to gay men with such loathing.. the noise would be deafening.
LW, you two sound like neither of you are looking after the other in any real way. Guess the sex is good.
ECarp @ 72 - "Premature monogamy is dangerous"
I'd amend that to "monogamy is dangerous", but maybe that's just me.
Lava @ 73/BDF - "going to a new age weirdo church, to watch his bf give a lay sermon is nothing like watching someone perform in a ballet"
Quite true. You're not getting some silly ideology rammed into your head at the ballet. I would dare say that a dislike of religion is generally much more profound than a dislike of the ballet, because in most human societies, it's easy to avoid the evils of ballet whereas religions poison your existence in many aspects even when you're not a follower.
LW DTMFA. You don't like this guy, you have nothing in common. I'm 90% sure he was fucking around with his 'friend' on their straightcation and I get the feeling he's trying to lure into his cult, not date you.
Wash your hands of him. It's not worth the effort.
Evils of ballet Ricardo! I clearly remember as a girl watching male ballet dancers and enjoying immensely seeing their genitals so well defined. Think it was the beginning of my erotic response to seeing men in underpants, that lovely bundle nicely wrapped, ready to fondle.
@72 Amen to that! In a sense. I was monogamous with my now-husband while we were first seeing one another, but we didn't call it anything sure until we had already been de facto dating for three or four months. It's premature labeling which kills relationships dead. Put obligation before desire and presto, your relationship is dead as a doornail! Works every time.
The Friday night running date with the female friend and vacation seem a bit much to me.
Lava @ 76 - Don't worry, that was just for rhetorical effect.
Not worried Ricardo, just sharing how the evils of ballet corrupted a young girl’s mind.
Just playin’ with you Ricardo. My Aussie humour falls flat again..
@68. Venn. Stonewall was almost fifty years ago. I've thoughtlessly used the word 'post-Stonewall' just to mean 'unapologetic' and seen incomprehension flicker across younger people's face.
Ecarp @72: And I'd amend to "For safety's sake, you should avoid A COMMITMENT TO monogamy for at least the first 6 months you know a [person]." The way you stated this makes it sound like you believe fucking other people to be mandatory, which is kind of opposite to your "for safety's sake" preamble. Not to mention highly unworkable for most people.
I agree that one month is too soon to designate a Relationship, but I also think "I share a bed with my ex" as something that most folks would want to know. The lodger-on-paper should tell his new boyfriend this sooner rather than later.
Lava/Ricardo: If this man is that anti-religious, he should have declined to attend the church service in the first place, not gone and shat all over it.
But he was trying to be supportive Fan!
Lava @ 80 - From my point of view, I would say it enlightened a young girl's mind, not corrupted it.
@ 85 - Bingo!
I agree with everyone else that LW sounds like a little baby brat. He thinks being gay is all about bars and drag queens, and can't stand being around his boyfriend's friends because they talk about boring 'straight' things like kids and jobs, while also being 'quirky' 'misfits' (seems like anything outside of LW's 2 interests must be both boring and incredibly weird) who do things like camping (le GASP). Also, it's fine that LW hates all of his boyfriend's friends (because they're all stupid) but because the boyfriend only likes SOME of LW's friends he must not be comfortable with being gay (because all gay men are friends with all other gay men, dontchaknow).
LW needs to leave this relationship and let the boyfriend find a nice adult gay man who likes the outdoors and doesn't think glitter is the end-all and be-all of gayness. 10 years from now, LW can laugh about what an idiot little baby gay he was - probably over wine with a few friends from work - some of whom even camp.
@71 = Yes exactly. His partner, being older, is simply more happy with himself. And all his friends talk about 30s stuff - young children, buying a house etc, whereas the LW's mates are still on binge drinking and shagging. Nothing wrong with either of those, but it's not going to work in a relationship.
@83 - actually, I meant that prematurely limiting yourself to the one guy you're dating for sex triggers some hard-wired behavior that leads people into bad relationships. If it doesn't, it's more a matter of luck than anything else.
When we start only having sex with one person, most of us fall in love very easily with the person we're having sex with. Much more easily than if we were having sex with other people, too. The power of monogamous sex is sufficient to blind us to traits we'd otherwise be wary of - until a year or two later.
Many people, when the mis-matched traits of their partner become irritating, annoying, or intolerable, find that other people saw the mismatches from the beginning - they were always there. Premature monogamy makes us much less likely to either see or pay attention to those mis-matches when we most need to.
"I don't hang out with any women" - Wow- you sound so well-rounded.
Self-awareness rating: 0
"I don't have any problem with women, but I don't hang out with any women, and neither do most of my friends."
"straighty talk about their children. It's incredibly boring."
Gay people can and do have kids, OMO, and those who do will talk about them like they must be the most interesting thing to other people, just like straight parents. Be glad they're talking about actual human beings like this and not incessantly talking about their pets like they're people.
"He's met my friends, and likes some of them but dislikes others. It's obvious that he is not comfortable relating to gay men, generally speaking."
So, you don't hang out with women, OMO, and dislike every woman who forms most of your boyfriend's friends group; this doesn't indicate any antipathy toward women on your part. Your boyfriend does hang out with gay men, and he likes some of your friends and not others (this is entirely normal and healthy, by the way - the two of you are different people, so you're going to like others for different reasons and relate in different ways, meaning you won't have 100% of the same friends), which is a sign that he's not comfortable relating to gay men in general. The lady doth protest too much methinks.
This entire letter is composed of classic projection - you're taking the negative things about yourself, OMO, which you're unable to recognize or face, and projecting them onto your boyfriend, who sounds perfectly pleasant. You should stop inflicting yourself on your boyfriend and break up with him for his sake, since he's apparently unable/unwilling to break up with your controlling, judgemental self.
"Besides being straight, many of them are just oddballs; between the physical traits and personality quirks, they're like the island of misfit toys."
Oddballs, apparently unlike your drag queen friends who sit around discussing gay culture and history, which is composed of a whole lot of challenging and rejecting what society deems normal? This is the strangest part of the letter to me, but maybe homonormativity has come so far that gay men who are into genderfuck like drag can sit around and unironically complain about straight oddballs, or maybe its just some slightly-more-coded misogyny than the more overt misogyny in the rest of the letter.
"There is one woman in particular who he makes dinner for every Friday night. It's a standing date that he's only occasionally been flexible about changing to accommodate plans for the two of us, and I am never invited to join them."
Why would you want to join dinner with this woman you hate? Sure, it sounds like she's his best friend, but since you clearly don't give a shit about trying to make nice with his friends, I can only read this as controlling and jealous. Also, having things that one does oneself and not as a couple is healthy, and long-standing relationships don't become secondary priorities just because you happen to be fucking somebody.
"Now, he's planning a week-long vacation with her. When he first mentioned this trip to me, he asked if I would want to spend a week camping and I said no, because I don't like camping."
So, actually, your boyfriend HAS invited you to join him and his best friend on stuff (somehow I doubt this is the first time), you just say no.
"I think it's WEIRD to want to go camping for an entire week with some old lady."
Yeah, no hostility toward women at all, but isn't it just so weird that a man person would ever want to be friends with one and, like, ever do things with one? What's up with that? Boyfriend is almost treating women like they're real people with whom he could have mutually fulfilling relationships and spend time doing mutually enjoyable activities! So weird!
Break up, set your boyfriend free, and get yourself to therapy to learn some mechanisms to cope with your narcissistic-to-the-point-of-solipsism tendencies and misogyny.
@4: Agreed, but given the low reliability of our narrator, the stated fact that Boyfriend gets along with half of OMO's gay male friends (so he can and does get along with gay men), and the fact that Boyfriend clearly met OMO (a gay man) somewhere/somehow makes me suspect that "he only has straight female friends!" may not be entirely accurate.
@31: I envy you who has so few narcissists in your life that you think this must be fake.
@33: Since I'm reading this through my "unreliable narcissist narrator" filter, all I see is Boyfriend asking OMO to come watch a public performance at a social club, which happens to be religious in nature. I'm a hardcore anti-theist atheist, and I still go to certain religious performances to be supportive of people I care about, like plays/pageants and certain ceremonies (First Communions, bar/bat mitzvot, weddings, funerals) becasue they serve secular social functions I think are important in addition to the religious aspects. Boyfriend isn't pressuring OMO to convert or attend services generally; that said, this does sound like yet another area of potentially serious incompatibility where even if everyone were acting as considerately as possible it might be impossible to reach a stable detente.
@52: Best pithy summary.
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