re: MASTER...couldn't we also add something about protecting the identity of the other folks she fucks? First names only? Password Protected, open in the event of an emergency, file with contact info or something? It just seems like something of an invasion if the DOM gets to know info about these people but they aren't aware.

PICS: Your boyfriend is right. Nobody is looking through five years of Instagram photos. Okay, nobody except a stalker, in which case he has bigger problems. And he's not deleting them because if he gives in to that somewhat unreasonable demand, what's to stop it from being followed by a very unreasonable demand?

You have two options:
1) Let it go
2) Let him go and find a man who has no previous girlfriends and/or social media

Great answer tot PICS, Dan the Man! One of many reasons Griz comes back to Savage Love every week for more.

I’m impressed with MASTER’s ethics. He should seriously consider writing some guidelines titled, “The Ethical Dom.”

BOOTS is the second and not as successful as the first of Mrs. Pence’s slash fiction.

Sure, PICS' boyfriend would be wise to change the accessibility of photos of his ex, but he'd be much, much wiser to steer clear of anyone who thinks they could beat him into compliance with their whining and nagging.

@5 - and screaming. Don't forget the screaming.

Re MASTER, I think the issue is that you never know who might turn into a long-term prospect, and you might get into trouble telling someone two months in, "hey, by the way, my other partner loves to hear about our sexy times, so you cool with me continuing?"

I think best practices in this context means talking about privacy concerns around the same time you talk about non-monogamy, safer sex / testing protocols, and feelings about abortion. You say, "I tend to share a lot with my current partner; I may show pics, tell sexy stories, etc. Is that fine, or are you a more private person?"

I actually had something like this happen in my life. When the guy found out I was sharing details of our "sexy times" together with someone else who was basically orchestrating said "sexy times," he got very upset, said a couple of choice things, and disappeared. I never heard from him again. That was years ago, and I still feel pretty awful about it.

PICS admitted "I've TRIED crying, I've TRIED screaming my head off". Yes, PICS, DYMA (Dump Yourself Motherfucker Already).

Right on THC!

I agree with @1 coolie that MASTER's partner's others might be safer with a limit to how much MASTER knows about their identities. And I agree with @7 EricaP that at some point it others get serious enough, they might rise to the level of consenting to details of their sexy times.

"I've tried crying, I've tried screaming my head off—nothing works."

Do some of these people not even hear themselves?

Here, let me translate: "i've tried manipulation, I've tried bullying/tantrums, nothing works."

Dear Dan,
It makes me irrationally crazy to know that my boyfriend had a life and a girlfriend before he met me. I really want him to erase any and all evidence that he ever dated anyone else, but he refuses to go back to ancient posts on social media and erase the past. i've thrown fits and screamed and cried and still anyone who wanted to search back over the years would be able to tell that he once liked someone other than me. Please tell me some magic words to make him deny his entire life's existence prior to being my boyfriend.

4 thanks! (letter writer here.) I actually was considering just such a guide, but the title I was toying with was “The Compassionate Sadist”.

7 agreed and #8 exactly my fear....I’m actually surprised how lenient Dan was about this. I predicted he would say anything more than a one time thing requires some level of disclosure.

PICS confirms my suspicion that most humans are awful people who somehow manage to find somebody to love them and then do their best to ruin it.

Whining, nagging and screaming--Jesus. I'm curious to know if PICS is really my clingy, demanding, controlling and manipulative oldest sister. She thrives on histrionics like a thumb sucking 6-year-old.

Was my latest comment pulled?

Okay--sorry, there it is.

Wow, there are people who get upset to find out their casual sex partner has to beg for the privilege of fucking them.

Wait, there are people would get upset to learn that their casual sex partner has to beg someone else for the privilege of fucking them?

I wonder if THC were inspired by the couple in this turn of the century Savage Love:

https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11843

I wonder if THC’s bride will also be fucking the the best man and maid of honor on the wedding night instead of the groom.

TheCompassionateSadist @12, thanks for joining in!

SublimeAfterglow @19 - yes, some people don't like finding out they were used in some kinky fantasy without being asked. It's a turn off.

@20: If the groom is lucky.

And props to PICS's boyfriend - it's really win-win, either she learns to come to terms with the fact that he has a past, or she dumps him.

I have a few fairly close girl-friends who used to be girlfriends. That's actual people I used to sleep with who I spend time with on a regular basis. I would usually introduce a new girlfriend to one of the old girlfriends/friends by about date 5, and if new girlfriend did not like the situation after some discussion about how yes, we're really just good friends now, there wouldn't be date 6.

Sometimes the new girlfriends find they really like the old girlfriend and they themselves become friends. But what hasn't happened since this procedure has been in place is getting stuck with an irrationally jealous/controlling girlfriend.

So... first, be the kind of person who is good friends with your exes. Second, introduce your exes to your new girlfriends. You'll save yourself a lot of grief.

I agree with EricaP @7: Basically, the rule of any ethical sex action is "do not include others in your sex play without their consent." So if you have to beg your partner for permission to go to bed with me, that's not my business. But if you're then going to go back and tell your partner intimate details about me so he can get off on it, you're involving me in a way I haven't consented to. It's not quite "letting him peep at you and the other person through a one-way mirror" consent violation, but if you're getting your man off by describing your other man's huge cock in detail, or what the other woman's pussy tasted like, there's enough of a voyerism and privacy-violation aspect to the whole thing that you should be getting consent.

Basically as a gut-check, do you think the other people might be uncomfortable if they knew about it? Are you getting off on the fact that you're involving them in this additional sexual activity without their knowledge or consent? Then I think you know that it's wrong.

That doesn't mean that she has to spill all the details, about the BDSM bit though. "By the way, my boyfriend knows about my other partners and I do tell my boyfriend all about what I do," is fine. The other person can then say "yeah, NBD," or "woah, hey, if this involves telling him what I sound like during orgasm, I'm opting out."

PICS, get a grip. Seriously. The problem here is not your b/f leaving old pix online. It's your raging insecurity and demands that he let you control him. If they were stored not digitially but in photo albums on a bookshelf, would you cry, scream and berate him for not taking all the old photos of him that you didn't like out and ripping them up? Photos are a record of a person's lifetime. You already know he dated and slept with women before you. He was in relationships before your princess ass came along. He is entitled to let those pictures remain where they are, same as when he wakes up and smells the cray-cray in you and DTMFA, he will leave your pictures up.

@7/EricaP and @23/Traffic Spiral: Consent violations are predicated on recognized rights and laws; the right to one's physical autonomy, the right to privacy; and bans against public sexual conduct. In the kink community, we talk about consent because the acts being undertaking are otherwise unlawful. So if there is a consent violation, then there is a violation of a recognized right.

So what individual right is being violated of a person whose sex partner orally reveals to a third party details about their sexual experience involving that person? While you may personally find this a violation of your trust, unlike your doctor or lawyer, your sex partners have no ethical duty to remain silent about their sexual encounters with you, and there is no recognized right for you to object to your sex partner revealing the details of their sexual encounters with you. The fact that there is not such a right to keep people from talking about you, is the reason that non-disclosure agreements are used. As such I'm with Dan, your sex partners are not bound to silence, and if that is a condition of you sleeping with them, say so.

"I've tried crying, I've tried screaming my head off—nothing works."

I hope PICS's boyfriend tries dumping her, and that it works.

Sublime: this isn't a courtroom, this is just basic decency for social interaction. There is an implied agreement of privacy when you have sex with someone - not that they'll never speak of it ever, but that certain things are kept private. Can you be sued for it? No. Will people be creeped out by it if they find out, not want to see you again, and generally think you're a shit? Probably.

Here's a hint: if people say that something's creepy and that you should definitely ask first, and you have to resort to "well, it's not technically illegal" you've lost the argument.

@25 SublimeAfterglow "unlike your doctor or lawyer, your sex partners have no ethical duty to remain silent about their sexual encounters with you"

(I agree with @27 Traffic Spiral here that) SublimeAfterglow is misunderstanding ethics here. Ethical isn't anything that's legal.

I think that where-to-draw the line here is quite subtle. I'm still (as I wrote @9) with @7 EricaP (and @25 SublimeAfterglow) that the place to draw the line is when the partner's relationship gets "serious enough". Earlier than that, when those others don't know you, then their assumptions about privacy are just that, (unfounded) assumptions. (Even if, admittedly, they obviously couldn't be expected to know to ask "please don't describe my dick in detail". But the implications of THAT was [as I wrote @9] sufficiently addressed by @1 coolie's concern that MASTER's partner's others might be safer with a limit to how much MASTER knows about their identities.)

One of the most interesting things about where people draw subtle ethical lines is what is tells us about them and their thinking.

The response to LW2 was very nearly in the Dear Abby, "You could move" class.

If I really believed the letter, I'd suggest separate parties, in order not to exclude friends with the wrong-sized feet.

@27/Traffic Spiral: It a holiday so I’m in the park, so I’ll keep this short. If your argument starts with with “that is creepy” and your challenged on that premise and you reiterate “it’s creepy,” you have no argument, just a personal opinion.

And to start that “this isn’t a courtroom,” but immediately posit that there is an implied agreement of privacy is really head snapping. From where does that right arise? If as @7/EricaP suggests that you need to address privacy when discussing non-monogamy, then that suggests that secrecy isn’t a given with partnered sex partners.

Anyway, as we comment on letters, how does everyone else forget that Dan is provided intimate sexual details about people every day without their consent, and sometimes he’s provided photos of letter writers sex partners who haven’t consented. To me, writing a widely known columnist would easily be a more substantial ethical violation, and I’m guess Ming no one here is going to stop reading Save Love over that ethical issue.

@27: That's ridiculous. No one has the reasonable expectation that when they have sex with someone that that someone isn't going to talk about it with someone else. It is a GIVEN that when you have sex with someone that person is ALMOST CERTAINLY going to tell someone else about it.

It may be less common that the someone else gets off on the tale, but plenty of people tell their close friends about their sexual encounters, especially their casual ones. Especially if you're especially good (or bad) at it.

If you have sex with someone, you are consenting to them telling other people about it, and if you want it to be a complete secret instead, you need to establish that in advance. "No one can talk about their sex without permission from the other party" is not, at all, the standard or expectation.

Short version: Your sexual experiences are yours, and yours to share or not as you see fit - and the same goes for any other parties to the encounter.

Based on years talking with people, I've seen that there are two camps on the privacy issue.

Some people feel really violated if they later find out you shared their emails/pics/sexy stories with someone else behind their back.

Other people assume of course it's okay to talk about your outside sex with your spouse or spouse-equivalent.

I've learned not to say one side is right or wrong. It's just something it's better to talk about before you get involved. That way you don't end up with one person feeling betrayed later. (And that emotional reaction is real, even if you don't think they ought to feel that way.)

PICS would be no problemo if that shit weren't so depressingly normal.

@33: There's a difference between sharing pictures or correspondence and a story.

Telling someone else about the sex you had is fine.

Sharing pictures is definitely not.

Sharing emails or other personal correspondence I'd say is a grey area.

But definitely, if you have sex with someone, the assumption is they may tell someone else about it, and if you don't want that to be the case, it's up to you to say so. I know I've always assumed that whoever I was sleeping with was dishing the details to her friends.

@7 Erica & @8 nocute. In this case, I'm not sure the question 'what does my sub tell her other lovers?' comes up in quite the way it's described in the letter. As I read it, the LW, the 'Dom' figure, grants his partner permission to take other people to bed. (Part of the deal is that he hears about their sex afterwards). It makes sense to me that he will not grant his go-ahead should his gf's secondary or other partnership be of a kind that it would intrude on their primacy, or even if it involves the deception or effective manipulation of a third person in any way. Let's say that the gf has seen a lover once or twice already, and that--without this third person imagining any exclusivity, anything non-nonmonogamous at all--supposes that their (the third and sub's) relationship is other than it is ... probably just in the form that this lover is unaware that his (/her, as appropriate) appearances are being choreographed. I think at this point it becomes right either to veto the sub's continued connection, or to come clean to the other partner that he's an accessory to their pervy set-up. He could say 'no' to it; he could say 'so long as you're mentally present with me, I don't care who you talk to about it afterwards'; he could be positively turned on to take a minor part.... To me, this imperative--that any third lover should not labor under a misapprehension--didn't come out clearly enough in Dan's answer.

I started having sex in open relationships in innocence (really, ignorance) of terms like e.g. 'relationship anarchy' but when, say, I thought I was in an anarchical or free-form fucking set-up with someone, and I turned out to be 'invited', I would be royally pissed off.... It would arouse all my insecurities ... 'sure, let Tarquin go with this freak!'. So, if sometimes I would say 'sure' and sometimes 'no, thanks' to a casual arrangement, I'd definitely want to know who was pulling the strings.

@12. The Compassionate Sadist. Imv, a sex partner of your partner who is interested in nothing more than nsa fucking--fuck and not even think too much about it--doesn't need to be told about your cucking set-up.

Someone who e.g. thinks, apropos your sub, something like 'hey, it's emotionally substantial we both e.g. like Rammstein, are 420-friendly, have thought about running for office etc.' should be told.

@25. Sublime. You talk about 'rights' where I would talk about 'consent violations'. It is implicitly breaching what (in the absence of knowledge) we would reasonably think of someone's consent if, to take a condign example, we filmed them fucking and showed it to our coven.

Now, someone can reasonably expect to be the subject of gossip after a casual encounter. 'Was it good? No, he couldn't get it up'. 'It started off good, but then she started making a strange mewling sound and saying, 'don't! Oh, yes, do! Don't!' etc. I have a notably wobbly ass; and I would be surprised, put it that way, if after having casual sex with me (this is almost entirely in the past, now) a partner didn't say words to the effect, 'he (she/they) has a notably wobbly ass'. One hopes the gossip will be kind. There is some sort of boundary somewhere, though, between the expectation of backchat of this order and a near-scripted arrangement in which one's sexual performance is the tidbit for a 'pervert' or voyeur. Where a third party might be expected not to give his consent to the whole deal is the point at which it becomes incumbent on the couple to inform.

I'd say LW1's gf doesn't need to disclose anything to casual hookups. As for people who are looking for a more serious or potentially long term relationship, they should know that she is non monogamous up front, but I see no reason to disclose details unless they start to develop an emotional attachment. Though it might prevent a lot of headache to be open about it pretty early on. As for the other side to this- the fact that she's going to tell the details- so long as she's withholding identifiable information, I don't see what the problem is. I've suggested this before for other LWs because it's worked in my marriage, but one way to get the thrill of another person recounting their trysts is for you (the master or partner) to give that other person permission to lie (within established boundaries) without you ever knowing it. It's a one time statement- don't revisit it or the rule is broken. I don't know if this would work in a Dom situation, but it's a great way to get loads of hot details about other encounters without a) exposing the other person's partners or b) having to stick to a truth that might be sometimes less exciting than reality. Plus it adds the element of the listening partner getting to wonder over what's real and what's not. Again, might not work with a Dom-Sub situation.

@8 NoCute & @21 Erica- I would be very upset about this too if I were under the impression I was moving towards a real connection with someone else. But surely it's different if it's casual? My own opinion on this is always that if a person feels that aspects of a casual lover's personal life might bother them, then they are the ones who need to be upfront about that and ask questions before they sleep with someone. Like, "are you in a relationship with anyone else right now?" for example. If you are having casual sex with someone without first asking them that, then really you have no reason to assume they aren't also in a relationship with someone else.

LW2 needs to grow up. Her boyfriend should consider their relationship very skeptically. I don't see why anyone in that situation would write to Dan expecting sympathy for their side unless they've never read SL, so my guess is it's maybe fake? Maybe hoping for some Instagram promotion?

Have no comment for LW3, but I read the first sentence three times before I realized the LW said boot and not boob.

Congrats to LW4- secrets like that are fun. It's like wearing really sexy lingerie beneath something drab or professional.

I'm with @SublimeAfterGlow that MASTER is not under any obligation to disclose the nature of the master/slave relationship to the people his partner has sex with. Having sex with someone in an open and disclosed non-monogamous relationship you should assume there will be discussion when the person goes back to their partner. If there is an erotic scene that preceded it where the woman pretends to "beg" for it how or why is that something they need to disclose?

Oh PICS, if only you had written asking, "I'm insecure about my boyfriend having dated people before, and this insecurity makes me jealous and controlling. How can I help myself manage my insecurities so I don't turn them into problems for my boyfriend/in my relationship? For reference, one of my biggest triggers is the fact that there are photographs of him with his last girlfriend, and other people might see them ever. Thanks!" we might have been able to help, as you would at least have demonstrated the self awareness necessary to perhaps be aided by strangers offering advice working from a handful of sentences. Sadly, you're going to need paid, ongoing, professional help for this. If you're reading the comments, perhaps you can use that framing as a discussion prompt to talk to a therapist.

Regarding sharing stories and consent: people cannot read minds. I can't believe how fucking frequently people seem to forget this fact. In addition to not being able to read minds, people have different values, desires, concerns, insecurities, etc. (ditto for not believing how often people must be reminded of this). Because of these two facts, it is impossible and therefore completely unreasonable to expect other people to know what information or promises you (anyone, general "you") need in order to consider your consent informed. So, if you have things that are necessary for you to consent to something, YOU need to be self aware enough to recognize them and YOU need to use your words to ask. There is no other POSSIBLE framework, because even widely adopted social norms are not universal, and global mobility is making our societies everywhere increasingly heterogeneous (and many weren't all that homogeneous in the first place).

Guess culture/ask culture is not a neutral variance in preference, guess culture just plain functions worse in numerous ways, and fundamentally because it REQUIRES a lot of universally shared cultural beliefs to function at all, plenty of which will not be shared by any two given people. Sorry, guess culture people, you're just wrong, and not even in a generally harmless way. (See this for one explanation of why - https://the-orbit.net/brutereason/2017/01/07/intersection-guess-culture-sex-rape-culture/ ) Say what you mean and mean what you say.

EmmaLiz @39 "Though it might prevent a lot of headache to be open about it pretty early on"

Yes. As we can see from this thread alone, people have strong feelings on both sides of the privacy issue. Once I realized that, and that I couldn't predict how other people would feel, it was clear to me that I would rather know someone's privacy preferences early on.

"But surely it's different if it's casual?"

Connections are complicated, in my experience. I'm not necessarily able to tell who falls into the casual camp and who might develop after a few great fucks into a long-term relationship.

Here's how I do it. If the sex is casual enough that we aren't even talking about STI risks (ie, we're at an orgy or the back alley behind a bar), then that's one thing.

But if we're already having my normal pre-sex conversation about kink, non-monogamy, safer sex, STI testing, and abortion, then I can also bring up privacy and it's no big deal to see if we're on the same page.

John Horstman @42, " if you have things that are necessary for you to consent to something, YOU need to be self aware enough to recognize them and YOU need to use your words to ask."

Indeed. I like to know my partner's preferences around privacy (among other things) before I have sex with him, so I ask. Not sure why anyone would prefer not to know, but I guess if one comes from a scarcity mindset, that changes how one sees these things.

Striving for perfectly ethical behavior makes a person insufferable, angry all the time or both. Gotta have some places and times where you don't give a fuck. Telling your spouse about your hookups without your hookups knowing is a fine place to not give a fuck about ethics. LW, cut yourself some slack.

Hi everyone, I'm back!
PICS, you need help.
BOOTS, you also need help. "Wouldn't it be fun to embarrass my fiancé by forcing him to reveal his up-til-now secret fetish to all his acquaintances and indulge in it with people he has no sexual feelings towards?" Why not just tell him you don't want to get married or see him ever again? It will have the same effect.
Re MASTER, a tricky one. It should be assumed that someone in an open relationship will be discussing their other partners with their primary partner, at least in general terms. The waters would be murkier if MASTER was ordering Ms MASTER to fuck other people. I would feel weird knowing that someone only had sex with me at a third party's behest. But Ms MASTER is initiating these trysts of her own free will, asking permission and telling MASTER afterwards, which is what many non-monogamous couples do without a BDSM element involved. Permission and full disclosure -- and, yes, enjoying the recounting -- are common enough in polyamory that I don't think these casual partners are being deceived.

Philo @45: Telling your spouse about your hookups is such common practice that it's not "unethical" to assume your hookups will assume you're doing it.

Ignoring one's new partner's privacy concerns may not be unethical, but it still often leads to hurt feelings if it comes out later that you revealed intimate details about them.

He refuses to discuss this issue, even as I lose sleep over
it. I've tried calmly discussing this with him, I've tried crying,
I've tried screaming my head off—nothing works.

Boyfriend: RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

My daughter is trying this on at the moment, trying to manipulate by alternate tears and temper. I’m standing firm though. We talk it thru, this situation she is trying to have happen without a real discussion.

@6 FTW

YIKES!

It doesn't change the fact that they should break up, but I read PICS letter a little more kindly. She expressed calmly that she felt making the pics available to anyone and everyone, including her friends, was disrespectful. Not a jealousy issue. He refused to have a discussion about it, instead telling her to stop thinking about it. That's when she went batshit, and while her behavior is over the top, emotionally immature, and inappropriate, I think we would all be upset if we brought up a concern to someone we have been with long enough that they should care how we feel and they were that dismissive of it. She has made a mess of it, but it isn't unreasonable to expect a partner to be willing to discuss your feelings and concerns. Too bad she didn't have the same sense of boundaries he has or she would have walked away and saved herself the drama.

BDF @ 46 - "Why not just tell him you don't want to get married or see him ever again? It will have the same effect. "

My thoughts exactly.

I generally think, it's OK to divulge your sex stories to others.

But I think you need to be smart and not "out" anyone. When I was in grad school, I eventually slept with the wrong classmate - who immediately told all her girlfriends who were then so goonie in class and such that everyone learned what was going on. The kicker was, the girl I slept with had a boyfriend back home and we'd explicitly agreed beforehand that we were just having fun. I ended up rearranging my schedule just to avoid her and her friends since I didn't like my business being out in the streets like that, but it was a small program; everyone knew.

In this case, if the story is simply shared with the partner back home as private sexy talk, all good. But don't publicize it, or share it privately with anyone who runs in the same circles, IMO.

@2: "Okay, nobody except a stalker"

The stalker is inside the house!

I'm in the camp that I expect sex may be talked about, but generally without identifying the sex partner. In an open relationship where the other partner knows who's who, though, should that mean your lips are sealed? I'm torn. I think it would be a good idea and cheap to have a discussion, but I wouldn't judge somebody who didn't.

Sharing pictures is right out, but that wasn't in the letter.

"Sharing pictures is right out" --I agree but realize that other people feel differently. Many married people feel they can share anything (even someone else's sexy photo) with their spouse because married people should have no secrets from each other.

As you say, initiating the conversation doesn't cost anything.

(That was to Mtn. Beaver @56)

Tachy @52: We don't know if PICS "calmly" asked her boyfriend to delete the photos the first time. Just because this letter was phrased "calmly" doesn't mean we can conclude she ever took that tone with her boyfriend. It's also inaccurate to say that he "refused to talk about it"; in fact, she says they have had "numerous fights." The thing to remember is that what she asked him to do was unreasonable in the first place, so he was within his rights to tell her that her request was unreasonable and she should drop it or drop him. It's not his responsibility to cure her irrational jealousy issues, though I do wonder why he dropped the subject and not PICS.

Re sharing, I agree that sharing pics or private communications without permission is a violation. If I send someone an e-mail, I'm sending it to them, not their spouse. I also think that it's okay to discuss things that involve oneself with one's partners, for instance that your partner B is submissive and you're having kinky sex with them, but not intimate details about B's other relationships that B shared with you, as that really is not your partner's business. Sounds like there are enough differences in expectations that a conversation should be had before more than the basics of who-what-where are discussed.

Good Savage slam for Pics! And BOOTS shit is especially stupid, like that time any person ordered their fiancé to come do a thing they fetishized about every person their partner knows doing. Life does not imitate porn, 99.9 percent of the time. (not a factual number)

Congrats in advance to this week's Lucky @69 winner!

@55 undead ayn rand (re @2's comment and your spot on response): "The stalker is inside the house!" Bullseye, and I second it!

You gonna make this thread crawl there, Grizelda?
Let’s hope mother of the bride, the one who is paying for the wedding, doesn’t catch her daughter getting close and sexy with the best man at the reception.

Boots, you don’t really want to marry, do you? And you’ve got this elaborate plan in mind to humiliate the hell out of your beau so he’ll leave you.

The whole boyfriend’s got old photos somewhere of the ex gf was never an issue in my youth. What young man even knew where he put the pictures. It’s not like he’s give them to mother to put in the family albums. I miss real cameras with real film.

That’s all I got Grizelda.

@63 & @66 LavaGirl: B-b-but---I promised not to make multiple posts so close to @69! And anyway, yeah, but after one toxic marriage, I swore I'd never again marry.

And this week's Lucky @69 winner is...........

ME!!!
I couldn't resist!
And in "actual relevance" news, regarding everyone's favourite number, it turns out two women CAN enjoy this act of mutual pleasure. Now you know :-D

Congratulations Fan!

@69 BiDanFan: Ha! Congrats and well done on scoring the well-earned Lucky @69 Award, Bi! Here's to abundant riches coming your way soon. Cheers!
Who's up for a Hunsky?

Dadddy @72, the letter writer didn’t mention she and her bf were in a Kink relationship... playing at ownership.
And last I looked it was the lower level animals who mark their territory, you know, like dogs, Unnegotiated.

@75: 25 more posts and you'll get your Hunsky.

PICS: I hear you girl. I do. I completely understand where you're coming from. It's incredibly frustrating to bring up something with a partner and have them dismiss your feelings. It's a dick move. It would be so easy for your bf to simply, respectfully, hide the photos of him with other women. It is decidedly not akin to having a photo album in the house, unless that photo album is on display somewhere your friends and family can see it. It's just...why can't he do this for you? Right?

It doesn't, or shouldn't, matter that nobody cares except you. Literally. Nobody. In the world. Cares. It doesn't "dis" you, it's not a statement about you at all. Nobody gives a shit. You know how many people would visit you if you wound up in the hospital? Like 3. Total. So I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, nobody cares to look at pictures of your boyfriend from years ago. They don't have time to give to it.

So back to your POV, perhaps I'm no good with words, but I would think someone who was self-aware would have taken down the photos of multiple past girlfriends without having to be asked, just because it is cringe-inducing to have a pictorial history of your bad decisions readily available to all and sundry. But it's a hassle, and some people like to have a chronological photo album and maybe they keep it on IG.

So PICS, ultimately, you have to decide if your BF is acting the way you want him to act, and ask yourself why you want him to act that way. Are you looking for a ring, and thinking if you're "the one" then he would have deleted all the old photos, and he hasn't, so it's making you cray? If you want to pick this battle, then pick it, and make your decision about what to do. If you are looking for a ring, and it doesn't sound like it's forthcoming, maybe now is a good time to make an exit.

Furthermore, I suspect this isn't the first time you've been a wee bit demanding and your BF is tired of it. If you suspect this too, then get a grip and change yourself. Do the work. But if it's totally the first time you ever asked him to do something for you, and he's being a dick about it (and make no mistake, he IS being a dick to you about it, but perhaps you have, over the course of the relationship, earned this particular dickish/selfish behavior) then DTMFA and don't look back.

Well, we have now learned a way to identify potential bunny boilers (of any gender). Leave photos of yourself with exes up on social media. If the new person takes issue with it, run.

(PS, notgoing @77, I don't think of my exes, or at least most of them, as "bad decisions." If general-you regret getting involved with more than one or two past partners, it may be time for therapy to identify why you keep making "bad decisions." Hint, it may be because you're not dumping potential bunny boilers like PICS, but keeping them around so that they can scream at you repeatedly for the same perceived slight. Now that IS a bad decision.)

@78 BiDanFan: Hoooo boy. Thank you, Bi, for offering yet another gentle reminder of how fortunate I am to not have seen my ex in seventeen years----and have deleted all purposefully unanswered Facebook messages from him. Griz is pretty confident that if my ex was still looking me up at this point, it'd be because he's desperately in need of assistance in funding someone else's alimony and childcare.

Sure, Griz. Many of us have a nightmare ex, or two. Anyone can be fooled! But someone that awful, you'd surely have deleted the pics yourself, right? If someone chooses to leave up photos from a previous relationship, that's their decision, and they made it for a reason. That reason shouldn't be overridden by someone else's insecurities. PICS could choose to see the refusal to delete the photos as a positive sign that someday she, too, will be remembered fondly. If she gets ahold of herself and lets this go.

Wedding rings aren’t about marking territory Dadddy. Each person decided to make a commitment to the other person.
Humans don’t go round leaving their scent on trees etc, which is what marking territory means.

We are not animals, people are not each other’s property..playing a game still involves consent from all involved.
This LW is being a brat, and showing zero love for her bf. He was with this other woman for three years and they planned for a short time to get married. She obviously means a lot to him and if the LW can’t get past her petty stupid little girl I want it now bull shit, and show some love for this man, then she shouldn’t expect to ever see her jealous face on his page. Love is about wanting the other person to be well and happy
LW, you don’t love this man. You love yourself and your petty jealousy, so get ready for this guy to dump your sorry arse. Grow the fuck up.

Correction.. yes humans are animals, higher level ones. Can’t go pretending we don’t have minds and free will, and unless it’s in a game Dadddy, we don’t look at others as our territory.
Trouble is a lot of people do carry that mind and we have dead and abused people as a result.

Re: PICS
I am not familiar with Instagram, but if the picture of his ex is waaaay back in his feed, where no one is apt to see it, I don't think it should be bothersome.
However, If there were framed photos of the ex around the house or prominently displayed on his Facebook page, I think that would be tacky and disrespectful.
I can sort of relate to PICS, but my situation was much more disturbing. My Ex and I had been dating and living together for about 2 years. He never once changed his status from Single to In a Relationship. That bothered me a little, but he refused to post Any pictures of me, or mention me for at least a year. Finally he posted 1 picture of me with him and a friend, but only listed my name-like I was just one of his friends- and later removed my name.
This whole time he has been posting selfies and blatantly flirting with all the women on his page, (saying I love you, sending roses and hearts, calling them beautiful, talking about wanting to come visit them, etc.) for everyone to see and shoving it in my face with frequent posts. This is embarrasing, knowing my family and friends are also seeing this. Thinking he is single, the women flirt back (sometimes very overtly and suggestive) and with his huge ego, he eats it up.
I told him this bothers me, but he was dismissive and didn't seem to care about my feelings. I finally just gave up.
Steve Harvey says in his book: "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man" that men show their love for a woman in 3 main ways: Providing, Professing (their love for you, telling friends and family you are their girlfriend), and Protecting. He was deficient in all 3 areas (and controlling and verbally & emotionally abusive) so I DTMF. I just wish I had done it a long time ago and saved myself a lot of heartache.
Like Maya Angelou said " When people SHOW you who they are, believe them the first time."
If it is bad in the beginning, it usually only gets worse.

@80 BiDanFan: Actually, I agree with you about PICS. She does indeed sound completely insecure and micro-managing. PICS reminded me so much of my own toxic ex-husband's mentally irrational behavior. I'm with you and many commenters.
@PICS---dump your toxic GF pronto, and RUN while there is still time!
@81 Dadddy: Oh, sweet Jesus! Would you raise your hind leg at the altar?
Dolts like you are among the many reasons I'll never again marry.

@86: Correction: To the unfortunate boyfriend of PICS: Dump her already and RUN while there is still time!

Lava @83: I have a bit more sympathy for PICS. She's acting like a selfish child, sure, but why? If she's this insecure about the completely benign practice of taking photos with partners and letting them stand as part of the record of one's life, she may need professional help before she gets back in the dating pool.

Singlegirl @85: I hope PICS is reading. See, PICS? Your boyfriend is unafraid to show the world when he's in a relationship. This is a GOOD sign, not a bad one. And his refusal to cave to your demands means he has healthy boundaries. Singlegirl, I agree your ex was dismissive and callous and probably a CPOS. While your gendering of love makes me cringe (surely -women- show their love in these ways too? Hmm), I'm glad you're free of this jerk.