Relax, it will happen.


It's a mental hurdle she needs to vault. She can definitely work through this....


NOPE, what kind of stimulation do you use when you masturbate? A vibrator? Firm pressure on your clit? Both of those can desensitize you a bit and make it more difficult to come through just oral. So the "carve a new groove" advice could apply there as well.

Many, many women don't climax during penetrative sex without clit stimulation even after extensive foreplay. You say "but even when it worked, playing with my clit during sex was rarely appealing", which can be a common feeling among women--we aren't comfortable touching ourselves during sex with a partner or feel inadequate because we don't orgasm from PIV alone. Having your partner talk to you about how sexy he finds it and encouraging you could help break down some of those (conscious or subconscious) walls, as can experimenting with touching your clit and/or using a vibrator in different positions. Certainly try some positions like doggie style where he can reach your clit as well. No pressure, just some fun experimentation to see what really gets you going.


I wonder whether the long distance of the relationship factors in - maybe too much pressure when each time is a "special time"?


It’s not true that fantasising is akin to pulling away emotionally and physically. Some people need to be inside their head, focusing only on orgasm, in order to come. It can take intense concentration which you cannot give if you’re distracted by other things.

And this particularly true if the kind of erotic stimulation you need is fantasy of a situation that isn’t possible in real life. What of the fetishists, for example, who need to think about centaurs or fifty foot women? :)

She should consider whether it’s the focused concentration and the fantasy that’s helping her get off.



"And in the most intense moments? He makes me see stars."


"But contrary to all this, I have yet to have an orgasm with him."


Seeing stars != orgasm aside, I've identified the problem.

"In the past I have only had an orgasm with a partner from oral or occasionally digital clit stim...

But regardless of how amazing I feel when he’s going down on me, every single time I eventually hit a wall out of nowhere where I am just done with oral and want to fuck."

And I have a solution: DON'T STOP THE ORAL, THE THING THAT YOU KNOW GETS YOU THERE. Or, like, go back to it after PIV, since the new boyfriend presumably comes and can't continue with the fucking at some point. Or follow Dan's advice in the last repeat letter, since you also know that frigging your clit has worked to get you off with a partner in the past. Dan could be right that the association with retreating to your headspace fantasy is part or all of what's going on (that's one possible reason you might be able to get off from sexting, which presumably also involves fantasizing; another possibility is that it involves direct digital-clitoral stimulation), but since we know that most women don't get off from PIV alone and that you specifically don't, with this partner nor your ex, maybe try what you already know works?

There are other possibilities, of course, the most glaring of which is that maybe you're not yet comfortable enough after only a dozen in-person hookups to completely let go. I'm presenting a more critical demeanor than you really deserve, NOPE, for the sake of humor in the face a problem that can be summarized as, "I don't come when I don't do the thing that I know makes me come," but I'm glad you're free of your ex-husband, and that you've found a lover you like. This is a good problem to have, as far as situational anorgasmia goes, so even if you never do get there and can only enjoy mind-blowing partnered sex plus self-induced orgasms, I wish you all the best. But I think you'll probably be able to get there eventually, and possibly right away, with some permutation of the offered advice.


I haven’t had a single session with him where I’m left feeling unfulfilled

Either we're done here, and there's no issue to resolve,
or this is untrue.

My take is, fully satisfied people don't write to Dan with questions. LW is not fully satisfied. She can change her expectations (cum during sex) or decide that cumming isn't mandatory.

That being said - I'm a fairly orgasm centered guy, in that I enjoy 'giving' my partner orgasms (or perhaps it's the knowledge that my partner feels like I gave her the orgasm. Potato Tomato) so I can understand the desire to pay off the sex you enjoy... but you can still give your partner your orgasms in other ways. Masturbate with him in the room, under his watchful eye, for eg. Transition from sexting to dirty talk. Or both be on your phones sexting each other while in doggy style. If you're kinky, perhaps you're not allowed to do X (put on clothes, watch your favorite stories, take off the nipple clamps, whatever) until you have an orgasm


I hit walls too (and go numb if I try to push past them). Have a little PIV and then go back to oral, or have him touch you everywhere except your clit for a bit. Dont think of it as a straight line up to orgasm, but a bunch of hills with small valleys that get higher and higher. Also, it sounds like some dirty talking is in order while he's roaming with his hands.


Clearly there's Something Wrong with him...


Welcome back Daniel. Hope the shoulder has/ is repairing well.
LW this is a long distance connection, and you two haven’t got together much yet, you are newly divorced and already you are defining what is your new reality.


Seeing stars, making much involuntary noise, and feeling totally satisfied?
What if you're orgasming in a way you haven't felt before, from a deeper center than the clit? There are other places to stimulate (g-spot, cervix at the right time, etc.), and my experience is they produce different sensations. Maybe you're discovering something new about your body, too. Could it be a more diffuse full-body wow?


Queen @11: This was my thought! She's left feeling fulfilled, she "sees stars," she's "screaming nonstop." Perhaps instead of having a single moment of orgasm, she's having long, drawn-out orgasms that last for most of the time she's having sex?

This letter just illustrates the fallacy that an orgasm -- "an" orgasm -- is the be-all and end-all of good sex. "The gold standard," as she puts it. While at the same time she says the sex is orders of magnitude better than what she's had before, she's denying her own pleasure because something doesn't happen. I'm not sure what that something is if "in the most intense moments he makes me see stars" isn't it. She contradicts herself when she says she doesn't need to come, but she's so worried about the fact that she isn't coming.

I think the answer is clear: Either accept that her previous definition of "good sex" was wrong and enjoy what she has, or, if she really wants to tick that box to feel "complete," have her lover hold her after sex while she masturbates.


I think the volume of swearing how super star-seeing awesome things are now, this is getting in the way of what else you want. If you want it, which is up to you, you can do whatever you enjoy.

You're not being a bad negative lover if you say, I want to try to come from this, can you follow my feedback and explore some different kinds of touch.

Would you be able to give feedback that might lead oral or manual sex towards your orgasm? Would he be able to act on it?

Don't know if this is you, but what I'm thinking is, sometimes people do the sex really well together right off. And sometimes they're really good at responding and finding better. You can have one but not so much the other. In that situation you progress by recognizing you want more practice of the other, and going for that.


@1 shoulda included this link:


Great advice here, Dan!

Am I the only one here who finds her description of her sex life with her ex very offputting? She sounds like just as bad a lover as her ex was. Self-centered, emotionally disengaged, contemptuous of her partner. Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe she left out the part where she rocked her ex-husband’s world with amazing oral, rimmed him into oblivion, and toyed with his body til he screamed for release and that is why she was frustrated at his hapless, dutiful efforts to bring her to orgasm in return. But it doesn’t sound like that.

I agree with Dan that she needs to rethink her attitude toward orgasms and how to get them. But she may also need to rethink her ideas about sex in general and the role she plays. Sex is not a piece of music where she is played by the other person and the beauty of the music is entirely a result of the other person’s playing skill. It is a dance between two equally talented dancers who take turns leading, following, and acting in unison to create an amazing act in partnership.


Um, maybe she just needs to privately fantasize in order to orgasm? There's nothing wrong with that. What's wrong here is stigmatizing her fantasies as not being "physically and emotionally present" with her partner. LW, give yourself permission to retreat into your headspace, orgasm, and come back out and focus on the afterglow, your partner's pleasure, cuddling, or whatever you like to do with your partner after climaxing. You can have all of the above, and it's no knock on you or your lover.


I’d agree with others that LW is probably having different types of orgasms ‘in’ places other than the clit. I don’t have clitoral orgasms with a partner, because I need to be fully in my own head for that - and because the full-body orgasms I get partnered are way more fun for me. They’re spread out more over time, so it’s not that one intense moment as much as waves.

Enjoy it, LW, and save the clitoral orgasms for your private time.


I've always thought it was weird to tell someone they might be orgasmimg and not know it. If you don't think you orgasmed you probably didn't.

I do like the idea that good sex is defined by sexual satisfaction and not presence or number of orgasms.

She asked if repetition had something to do with orgasming.. my body works like that too. And I need to be comfortable enough to let go.

I've found sex to be perfectly awesome and satisfying without orgasming. Although I normally prefer to.


And all orgasms make a clit (or penis) pulse. Even thinking yourself to orgasm. The clit is much larger than just the tip of the head poking out the front.


I like my bulbs near the vaginal opening, more than the clit legs deeper inside. The little tip is easiest for me to reach though!


Dear Dan,
My ex wife constantly complained about not orgasming during sex, but she was unwilling to lift a finger get there with me. She didn't "like" to play with her clit during sex, insisted on me leaving the room so she could masturbate, and often didn't want to "...bother with an orgasm during sex..." It seemed that any sex that didn't end in an orgasm for her left her feeling frustrated or worse yet, bored. She'd say, "orgasm isn’t the fun" but turned right around and declared "orgasm is the gold standard for sex". It gave me whiplash. Now, I hear that she "sees stars" with her new lover who has her screaming out pretty much nonstop, is more open and honest with him than she ever was with me and hasn't had a single session with him where she's left feeling unfulfilled... but it's still not enough. Thank god we got divorced. My new partner understands that this is a unique team sport. If you BOTH put in the effort, you both win.


Jeremty@12 ~ That is singularly bad, uninformed advice.


I wrote a book on the female orgasm. My controversial main point--women can have two types of orgasm--vaginal and clitoral. I know, I know, Freud said this and he was wrong about everything, and he wasn't right about the particulars of this. Anyhow, the two types fight each other. The letter writer is checking all the boxes--it sounds like her body is trying to reach for vaginal orgasms with this new guy. That's why her normal clitoral orgasms are getting killed the more turned on she gets.

Requisite book plug--The Orgasmic Diet.


There's nothing in the letter to indicate that the lw is a selfish, passive, and emotionally disengaged lover. People don't mention stuff in letters all the time, and while sometimes it would be helpful to have been given more details or more relevant information, we shouldn't start deciding that if, for example, an lw DOESN'T say that they love their spouse in the context of a fairly long letter about something specific, it must mean that they don't love their partner and the partner must be in the right.

People include extraneous information all the time, usually as introductory identifiers (it happens more frequently on the podcast): "I'm a 26-year-old cis lesbian living in the Pacific Northwest ----- followed by: "and my neighbors complained that they can hear me having sex because I'm too loud;" "I can only orgasm when J.S. Bach is playing and I want to learn how to retrain myself;" "I have a creepy co-worker who makes me uncomfortable with the comments he makes;" "I'm dating this irrational, crazy-sounding person that I'm hoping you will give me permission to break up with."
The fact that the caller or lw is a 26 y/o cis lesbian living in the Pacific Northwest is totally irrelevant to that problem. But people do it anyway.

Likewise, the inverse is true. If (fictional) I write in to complain about something having to do with my partner, I don't need to mention all the ways in which things are great with my partner in order legitimize my complaint or to rule me out as the source of the problem. Sometimes, it's true that the way the letter is written implicates the lw in the problem or reveals the lw to BE the entire problem (or most of it). We don't know all kinds of things, and they don't matter most of the time.

And even if she is a passive pillow princess, that isn't the problem here--we're not getting a letter from the boyfriend saying: "I want to help my new girlfriend orgasm, but as much as she seems to love the sex we're having she can't seem to come. She is selfish and doesn't put any effort in to help make me feel good. She never rims me or blows me or talks dirty or brings llama into the bedroom. She doesn't seem to be emotionally engaged. Sometimes I wonder if she's really present with me But the main reason I'm writing is because I'm a 41-year-old bi-flexible man living in Altoona, Tennessee who raises Irish setters as a hobby and I want to know why my girlfriend can't come with me. She came in her last marriage, and when she's alone."

Because the problem the lw is having is the lack of orgasms happening with (new) Mr. Best Lover Ever, when they happened a-plenty with (old) Mr. Shitty Husband. But she wasn't in the moment with Mr. Shitty Husband, and she's totally there with Mr. Best Lover Ever. So what gives? (I agree: relax and give it time.)


NOPE, if you’re orgasming and your partner is involved in any way, you’re having a partnered orgasm. That holds true whether you’re using a vibrator during sex, he holds you while you masturbate, or is just encouraging you with dirty talk.

Good point from @16/Alanmt: NOPE does come across as someone who acts like sex is something that happens to her. If that is really how she acts in bed, it is certainly a good insight into her inability to orgasm during sex.

I do wonder why she stops oral sex before having an orgasm, or why they don’t return to oral sex after vaginal intercourse since that seems to ramp up her arousal. It might also provide a good space during which she can fantasize, and if she can reach the point of orgasmic inevitably he could try penetrating her again, if she really wanted him inside of her.

Also on the list of things to try: different sex positions, masturbation during sex, vibrators, dirty talk, butt plugs, anal sex, and hypnosis.


@SublimeAfterglow, I agree 100% with this: "if you’re orgasming and your partner is involved in any way, you’re having a partnered orgasm. That holds true whether you’re using a vibrator during sex, he holds you while you masturbate, or is just encouraging you with dirty talk."
I wish more people would adopt that attitude.

However, the lw says she isn't having any orgasms when she's having sex with her new amazing boyfriend. Maybe you meant to say that she should incorporate self-stimulation with or without a vibrator (or "masturbate" in the way I think of it, which is self-touching) while her new bf encourages her through dirty talk or does something else.


@27/nocute: I think that is a preliminary idea for NOPE. Once she accepts that principle and expands her thinking, she can set about finding ways to orgasm and won’t relegate these orgasms to some inferior status. I would like to think that once she is having these partnered orgasms, she will find that she can orgasm in a range of ways, but without the pressure to do so.


Sublime @26: "I do wonder why she stops oral sex before having an orgasm"
I have two theories:
One, he's so good at it that he turns her on and she desperately wants to fuck. Right now. She doesn't want to wait until she has come and has to take a breather. (Perhaps she has a long refractory period and doesn't want the sex to end.)
Two, he's so good at it that he's overstimulating her -- bringing her "past" orgasm, if you will -- so they have to switch to the less-clitoral-contact act of PIV.

I do agree completely that they could return to more oral sex after PIV. Most straight folk assume that intercourse is the final act of the however-many-course meal that constitutes foreplay and sex. But there's no reason it has to be (unless he rolls over and falls asleep!). They could continue to cuddle and stroke each other and then he could go down on her some more. This will, of course, require her to ask Mr AmazingMoves to do something he wouldn't have thought of doing, meaning she'll have to get over any fear of hurting his ego.

Nocute @27: I think Sublime meant just what they said, which was a few suggestions of things they -may or may not already be doing- to try to get her to come during partnered sex. We know she's not coming with her boyfriend. We know that she's told the boyfriend she's OK with this and loves the sex they're having. So we can't conclude that they've tried everything on Sublime's list and that they should conclude there's no way he can get her off. (That said, I agree that her stimulating herself is a good one to add to the list of things to try.)


Also: cannabis.


I had thought she just needed to be in her own head and own fantasies in order to orgasm, in which case, I'd recommend that she give herself permission to do that while having sex with Mr. Amazing. In rereading this I noticed that she mentions she is able to come while sexting with him, which leads me to believe it's less a mental and more a physical problem--he's not giving her the exact stimulation she needs.

Which is why it's all the more imperative that she touch herself during real-life sex with him. They should do whatever it is they do when they sext--but in the same room together. Then maybe they try it with him touching some ancillary part of her while she masturbates. Etc Dan's advice for any other "I can come alone but not with a partner" advice, with the twist that she HAS ALREADY come with him when they sext.


Sublime, the way I read it is that she realizes during oral that she is not going to cum that way and suggests they move on to other things while it's all still hot and horny. No that she would cum if they continued the oral, but rather that she'd get frustrated if they did. This is usually my experience with oral as well so I might be projecting, but that's how I read it.


Sort of a combo of what was said above (John, Queue), I think the key is here in this part:

"I wonder if I just need him to be more boring and repetitive so that I can focus, but if that’s the case, is it even worth it? Why would I want to make the sex worse to make it “better”?"

Really fun exciting sex is great, but usually an orgasm does require some repetition- finding the thing that works and just doing exactly that same thing for a while without any variety. All sorts of things feel good and are fun, and we all like to get worked up into a frenzy, but when it comes down to the orgasm, sometimes you just got to do the repetitive thing. Why this should be boring, I don't know. My feeling is that when I'm on the receiving end (in the actual moment of the orgasm), I want the guy to keep doing exactly that thing until I'm there with no variety and there is nothing whatsoever boring about it. When I'm on the giving end, while it's super exciting to watch someone cum, also there's sometimes a moment where I'm thinking that I'm going to get a cramp if I can't shift soon or my neck is starting to hurt so yeah - boring isn't the word I'd use, but it's not always the parts that feel the best TO ME even if it's what's sending him to the moon.

So just a guess then that if she's been having pretty boring sex and just figured how to get off from direct clit stimulation that she considers boring and repetitive, and now she's suddenly having sex with someone that likes to do a lot with a lot of enthusiasm, she might think the two things have to be juxtaposed- either I just let him stimulate my clit with no variation- just repetition until I get there- or I have all this mindblowing star seeing sex with lots of variety- but I never get there. LW, you can have both.

And I agree with Sublime and the other poster above that she does make it sound more like sex is something being done to her, so I wonder about her communication as well. When he hits on the repetitive thing that could make her cum, is she telling him "keep doing that" or is she just moaning in response and so he keeps that up for a while, then does something else that makes her moan, then something else, etc, until she hits a wall or else really wants the penetration? Is nice to be kept on edge as well, but if you eventually want to go over, then sometimes you do have to just get down to doing it, whatever that repetitive thing is, and don't worry if it seems more "boring"- it's a part of the show, not the whole thing.


I'm not sure if I made sense. What I meant to say is it sounds like she's considering boring sex to be just sex that does one thing repeatedly until she cums. And she's considering exciting sex to be NOT THAT. So this is a false dichotomy. Exciting sex with lots of variety and positions and passions that feels really good but doesn't lead to orgasm can ALSO include moments where you just do one repetitive thing until you cum.

This seems so obvious that I might be make a big deal out of nothing, but her statement
"I wonder if I just need him to be more boring and repetitive so that I can focus, but if that’s the case, is it even worth it? Why would I want to make the sex worse to make it “better”?" and her generally tone about what this guy did vs that guy did indicates to me that she might not realize this. She might think that since this guy is so much more skilled and that she is receiving so much pleasure from what they do, that she should just automatically orgasm from any thing he's doing. And the word "focus" here especially indicates that- like even during long periods of oral, if he's changing rhythm and pace and giving her a lot of variety frequently, it might feel great but she'd be unable to focus, etc.


@7 "Transition from sexting to dirty talk. Or both be on your phones sexting each other while in doggy style"

Not sure I could text during sex, but I think it might be worth sexting before they touch each other (in separate rooms or the same room, even), and have her get off that way before they start fondling each other. A second orgasm may be easier to come by than the first.


I also thought it was weird she used the word "boring" to describe the repetitive action leading to orgasm. I would choose the word intense. Maybe it's an effect of choosing to have sex repeatedly with a guy she wasn't into (exhubby). I imagine that screws with you.

If she has a history of unsatisfying relationships she could be lacking in ability to convey&demand respect, too. She may want to pay extra attention to mutually respectful relationships and how they work.


I’m the original LW and appreciate the time people have taken to weigh in on this conundrum.

I have to say that I think Dan hit the nail on the head with the idea that I have strongly associated absenting myself (emotionally, mentally, or physically) with cumming. Unfortunately that’s how I achieved happiness in general in my almost 20 year relationship with my ex. And I do think that although I am emotionally incredibly trusting and open with my new partner, I am not accustomed to being “with” someone when I cum. I’m not entirely sure how I will overcome that mindset, particularly as we so rarely have time to work on it, being in a long distance relationship. But being aware of it has to help.

I have, in the past, been a not entirely active participant in sex (or more precisely, not always enthusiastic in my participation). My ex requested/required some very specific attention in every session and I was always willing but it was very rote. I have my doubts that he looks back on our time in bed with much more fondness than I do. I feel pretty confident that sex with this partner is very much a two way street. I am not passive and am very much GGG, not just willing but seeking out ways to pleasure him as much as myself. If what he’s told me is to be believed, we’re both having great sex.

I am fully aware that bringing a vibrator into the mix would likely get the job done, but at this point in our relationship changing the focus from having a great time together to me getting off just isn’t appealing. I’ve used toys in the past and am not squeamish or adverse - it just isn’t the experience I’m looking for right now. Which might mean no orgasms! And I guess that’s a trade off I’m choosing to make.

The wall I hit during oral is different from the wall of frustration I’ve hit in the past. In the past I have definitely experienced feeling right on the verge, not getting there, not getting there, getting frustrated and having to stop just because I’m getting progressively more irritated. This isn’t that at all. It’s good, good, good, great, amazing, and holy shit I just need to fuck now. It doesn’t make logical sense, but logic isn’t exactly where my head is at in the moment.

It is interesting to hear people suggest that maybe I am climaxing, just not in a way I can identify. After the second weekend we spent together I spent some time googling g-spot orgasms because I couldn’t believe that I could feel that good and not be cumming. And maybe that is the case! But there isn’t any sort of building to a crest - it’s just feeling amazing and amazing-er at different intervals. Bizarre to be a woman my age and not be able to say with certainty that I am or am not having an orgasm, but there you have it.

If I’m honest I don’t even know entirely what my original question was. It wasn’t tips for how to get off. I can do that (and I don’t doubt that with the right accessories and focus I could do it with him.) I guess I mostly needed validation that it was ok to be having great sex without hunting for an orgasm. Which might sound ridiculous - why not just enjoy the experience - but validating my own feelings about sex isn’t always something I’ve been skilled at.

Thanks for all your input, guys.


Thanks for writing in NOPE. First off I think you’ve got to let this guy off the hook re trying to lick you to orgasm. Unless on special occasions, I’d never suck cock expecting myself to get the job done that way every time, and so with a man. As long as he’s enjoying it, he keeps doing it. Maybe that wall you hit is his real change in enjoyment, and you’re picking up on it. He doesn’t need to be a trooper in bed. Which brings me to my next point. Eroticism, as I experience it, is a mix between intimacy and distance, there has to be a bit of play going on, for the chemistry to work.
Stop overthinking the mechanics, stop overthinking the whole thing. Maybe you two could do some role plays, lots of scenarios to choose from.


@33/EmmaLiz: Although NOPE has weighed in with her own thoughts, I wholly agree with you that repetition in doing something good is the key for me to have an orgasm. During PIV sex, I will aim for my partner to orgasm first, and once she does and would like to me orgasm too, I will want to be on top of her and find a rythm that feels good to me. Usually, some slow and gentle so I can really feel myself inside of her. But I will also ask my partner not to move as well, particularly her hips, so that I can maintain the same sensations until I orgasm.

While I wouldn’t want 30 minutes of that, after 30 minutes of sex in different positions with different tempos and lots of dirty talk, a couple of minutes of focused sex leading to my orgasm feels good too.


Nocute @30: Good call.

EmmaLiz @32: Except that she did come from oral sex with her ex, is how I read it. Perhaps the ex provided less stimulation, which, ironically, allowed her to focus on her fantasies and get to orgasm, while the current guy is so "good" that she can't multitask.

EmmaLiz @33: "usually an orgasm does require some repetition- finding the thing that works and just doing exactly that same thing for a while without any variety. ... Why this should be boring, I don't know."
Excellent point. Maybe Mr AmazingMoves is doing something amazing for a little while, then moving on to something else amazing, whereas if he just stuck with the repetitive thing she would make it to orgasm. Perhaps it was her ex who said the repetition NOPE needed was "boring," and therefore she feels Mr Amazing will be bored if she asks him to continue AmazingMove X for long than he's currently doing it? Yes, getting someone off can require some work, but it's worth it.

EricaP @35: Good suggestion to have a sext session as foreplay.

NOPE @37: "I am fully aware that bringing a vibrator into the mix would likely get the job done, but at this point in our relationship changing the focus from having a great time together to me getting off just isn’t appealing."
I'm wondering two things:
1. If having an orgasm isn't appealing, why did you write in with a concern about your not having an orgasm?
2. Why do you think one precludes the other?
3. Is HE having orgasms? If his orgasm isn't ruining the great sex, why would yours?
So yeah, sounds like you had your answer all along. If you find that not having an orgasm leaves you feeling like something's missing, you know how to fix that. If you don't, and you just wondered "is this normal?" then yes! Enjoy! :-)


(Sorry, edited my post after I started it - that was three things)


Mixing in orgasms with great sex can be surprisingly difficult. I recommend literally that... mixing it in. Great sex involves lots of improvisation and surprise. Not knowing where you are going is a big part of it, imo. Orgasms, however, often require steadiness and a lack of surprise. Mix some of that steadiness in with the improvisation and surprise. Periodically, go with the orgasm moves. But don't just stay there, do it for a bit, then move on, then bring it back again later. Repeat. As the passions and intensity of great sex rise, eventually, one of those shorter steady orgasm sub-sessions can/will lead to you 'popping' as it were. Don't worry about it. It might not happen every time (especially if you worry about it). Just make those motions an on and off part of the overall experience.

Good luck! Have fun! And don't forget to let it go and relax...


I think the more you like someone, the harder it can be to fart, poop, come, even eat and sleep around them. Eventually you let go and relax enough to do these things hopefully. Then some people let go of too much self control and take someone for granted or let themselves get unhealthy. It's a balance.

And I agree that leaving the vibrator in its box will make it more likely she comes without needing it.. It's fine to want a different kind of partnered orgasm. Or to be satisfied if one doesn't happen, that seems common too. But if she doesn't feel she can ever guide the guy towards what she wants.. I couldn't imagine I could be satisfied by that in the long term. Hopefully she can advocate for herself, just needs reassurance that her feelings are important and they don't seem dangerous or weird whether she wants to come or not.


@5. blondegrrl. I agree that fantasizing isn't emotionally pulling away. (It’s not 100% possible, either; we usually know who we're with). NOPE should not feel embarrassed to absent herself in fantasy when she's with her great new lover.


@16 alanmt. Telling someone to leave the room while you get yourself off can be a cold and selfish thing to do--but we would have to understand everything that went on between the couple sexually in the context of their whole relationship. This sounds bad--the relationship between NOPE and her former partner. But it's possible he could have disavowed any interest in pleasing her in bed, or getting her to come, and possible, too, he may have routinely demeaned her. Pleasuring yourself in your partner's presence, or with their oblique participation--not necessarily through PIV or their mouth or hand--should be much more standard, not-shamed or second-best, than it would seem to be, on this letter.


The issue seems to be that she's learned she needs to tune out in order to come, and now she doesn't WANT to tune out, so she's not coming. I think with time she will discover how to come without tuning out, or how to tune out just enough to get there without feeling she's depriving her partner of "togetherness." It will take reprogramming herself but this is possible. I wish them luck.


@37. NOPE. Congratulations on starting a happier relationship and having much, much better--mindblowingly better--sex.

In terms of just the orgasms you're having, you cumming with your new partner sitting a foot away on the edge of the bed would be a step up on what you've had in the past. A lot of your sex, for sure, will be the great, Tantrically or non-orgasmic sex you've been having--but I would not be embarrassed to add some orgasmic-sex-for-you into the mix.


@46. Bi. I think that's it. Also 'good luck!'


When one gets near orgasm one tunes in, not out.


Lava @49: It depends which one. NOPE has been tuning out. Whatever her prior partner did was more a distraction; her coming was a result of HER efforts, not his. She was tuning in to her orgasm, and tuning out her inept partner. Now she's tuning into her wonderful partner and all of the sensations he's giving her, and can't -- or doesn't want to -- focus on just this one square centimeter of nerve endings. She CAN have both; she just needs to believe she can.

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