That photo of trans guys on the link you included of the trans fashion show...WOWZA!


Is your shoulder all better, Dan? What a great letter to start back up with — very interesting. I wonder if he is as turned off by vag as he is by dicks... trans guys could be a problem too


"I really only get turned on when someone does things to me...."

Maybe you're just selfish.


I’m in a similar boat! Heteroflexible cis-ish/nonbinary-ish woman. I’m generally attracted to/fall in love with men, but really dislike penises. Been wondering if something is wrong with me. It’s very confusing and frustrating.


So I guess I'm wondering: what is it that you're attracted to, WILD (and you, too, Radula @4)? What is it about dicks that turns you off?
Do you ever find yourself attracted to gender non-conforming, kind of butch women? Is it the body type or personality characteristics/features you associate with masculinity that you are attracted to?

It would seem that, barring a revulsion to vulvas, dating transmen who haven't had some kind of bottom surgery would be an obvious solution, but I can't believe you haven't tried that and rejected it.

I can imagine it's confusing and frustrating. It does sound like a form of asexuality to me, especially if all you want is to be serviced and pleased. You are capable of forming emotionally intimate attachments and you're attracted to a masculine sensibility and male/masculine presentation, but you really don't want to deal with anyone's genitalia. I would recommend checking out asexual dating sites (if there are such things) so as to meet a potential partner for companionship, and just masturbating for sexual release, but I doubt that you're going to like hearing that.


LW you seem to be the kind of guy who wants to be the recipient of another man's attentions. You don't really seem all that interested in providing pleasure to others. That's really not all that unusual, especially in younger guys.

The analogy that sprang into my mind with you is the straight guys who are extremely comfortable with their sexuality, and love and appreciate the attention of gay guys as massive ego stroking. They love to flirt. They love to be admired. They'll strip down and show off. But there is a bright line which they will not allow you to cross. Is that what's getting you going?

Another thought: what makes you think you actually are gay? Is it truly a sexual attraction to your male partners? Or are you actually yearning for a deep connection with another man that isn't necessarily romantic and/or sexual? One of the unfortunate things about our culture is that people (straight and LGBT), even now, regard deep friendships between men with a little suspicion. We automatically assume that those relationships MUST be sexual.

But we're not the norm. In other cultures, it's not unusual for straight men to display great affection for each other physically: holding hands, hugging, even kissing (there's a lovely poem by Catullus that welcomes a close friend of his back from a military campaign in Spain, where he looks forward to kissing his friend's eyes). Is it possible that this is what your really after and that your sexual attractions will work out however they do down the line?

Not saying that either of these are the case. But the short answer to your question is, no. You can absolutely be gay and not be into giving head or anal or whatever.

Also (and this is for @4 too): If ever you're wondering, "I'm into X, but not into Y! Is there something wrong with me?" The answer is no. The heart wants what it wants.

Now, morality does enter the picture when it comes to how, when, and if we act on those desires. But the desires or lack thereof are neutral.


@1 All I saw was further promotion of unrealistic body types, cleverly disguised with virtue signaling, in this case relating to trans issues.

But then again, it's the fashion industry, so that's par for the course.

And Dog knows an appalling amount of assorted artificial body "enchancements," from cosmetological to chemical to surgical is also par for the course in that disgusting and reprehensible world.


Hold on, WILD, do you know why you don't like fucking a butt? The closest I can tie that to the D would be you don't like fucking anything on a person with a dick. Except nah, you like their mouth fine. And you're cool with your own dick, right? Or no?

I'm not equipped to psychoanalyze you, but it sure sounds like you've got something going on around people's junk, whether it's dirty or squishy or too close or what it is about it.

Do you like to kiss, make out, touch men's bodies away from the pelvis? If you don't think your sexual, I don't see why you can't be sexual but dislike the primary sexual anatomies for whatever reasons.


Would you like to turn a man on and get him off if you could do that by rubbing his elbow? Or would that make elbows nasty?


I was just like you for the longest time. I’m as gay as the day is long, but basically just “wanted things done to me”. This changed when I started to deeply care about a guy...then I was so invested in being GGG that I genuinely started to love being the giver. It could be a phase.


You have three choices. 1) Adjust your expectations to, “I’m in all likelihood not going to have long-term relationships because I’m coming off as a self-centered prick who will only receive but never give (Ha! The irony! You don’t like dicks, but you’re being one!) 2) follow the Commentariat’s advice and find a nice trans sans dick, or 3) learn to love cock. I didn’t like beer or coffee the first few times I tried them, but I kept at it and now theyre a daily staple. Perhaps a therapist is in order...if they can get people to ride on a plane who have a morbid fear of flying maybe they can get you to ride on a nice, big meat popsicle.


*don't think you're asexual
dunno what happened to that text.


WILD, you note in passing an interest in mild BDSM. Perhaps you need to enjoy cock when you’re in the right mental state with the requisite level of arousal, and to get there you need some BDSM. Your interest in being bound suggests that you tend towards being submissive, if so perhaps that is an avenue for exploring your sexuality.

As a teen, when I first had the opportunity to play with young women, I loved everything about fingering their pussies, but didn’t enjoy performing oral sex. I loved women’s bodies, but just wasn’t comfortable with my head between their thighs or my lips and tongue on their pussy. Then it just changed, like finding a fruit you didn’t want to eat was delicious, and you can’t remember why you were ever reluctant to eat it. Maybe after playing with more cock WILD will enjoy a wider range of playing too.


@5 no it’s not asexuality and I differ from WILD in that I really enjoy giving pleasure once I’ve formed a connection with someone, just as much as receiving. Vulvas are great and I would totally be into dating trans men. I don’t know what I’m attracted to specifically, I fall for people rather than any specific aesthetic, they just usually are men. And once I take the time to develop intimacy and get comfortable with someone, it really doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s just in general I find penises kinda terrifying?


@5 no it’s not asexuality—I differ from WILD in that I really enjoy giving pleasure once I’ve formed a connection with someone, just as much as receiving. Vulvas are great and I would totally be into dating trans men. I don’t know what I’m attracted to specifically, I fall for people rather than any specific aesthetic as far as I’m aware, they just usually are men. And once I take the time to develop intimacy and get comfortable with someone’s body, it really doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s just in general I find penises kinda terrifying?


Mtn. Beaver @8 asks a good question: "do you know why you don't like fucking a butt?"

WILD wrote "the one time I tried topping I went soft immediately."

He might want to ease into it. Rub between the guy's ass cheeks, jerk off on the guy's ass.

Become more familiar with that side of things, and see if he starts to eroticize it when he doesn't have performance anxiety. You have to be extra hard to push into a butt, so any anxiety makes that act extra challenging. Not staying hard the first time you try something is not proof you couldn't enjoy it.


Ugh I'm so sorry I posted twice! :( And now thrice! Can't delete it...


Yes, maybe WILD is greysexual, and would be attracted to the dick of a man he had an emotional connection with, just not to the dicks of randos. He didn't mention whether he likes pussy so I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he does. It seemed more to me like he was squicked by other people's private parts. If he doesn't like pussy, I'd suggest a therapist.

Corydon @7: No body type is "unrealistic" if it exists on a live person. "Atypical" perhaps. But these people are, as you say, models for a reason. I'm sure you have your own preferred body type which is equally "unrealistic" for the majority of people who are not that shape.


"If he doesn't like pussy, I'd suggest a therapist" -- sorry, need more coffee. That was meant to read as "if he doesn't like genitalia of any sort, he may have issues that need addressing," not that people who don't like pussy are crazy!


@Radula:I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you (to use your wording @4), based on your follow-up @15. You seem to be someone who needs to feel a connection to someone before you want to touch their genitals. Sounds normal enough to me.


@17 Radula: that happens from time to time. Blame it on gremlins.


I am the other side of this! Gay man, love doing things to other guys dicks, but my ideal would be they don't interact with my dick at all. Though, I do like grinding against guys when I'm hard, so that's some form of interaction I like, but hand jobs, blow jobs -- I love to give, but if I had my way I'd never receive another one again. I've "learned" to enjoy blow jobs, sort of, after repeatedly having this experience: I tell the guy upfront I'm not into receiving either of these things, he seems to love the idea, and then invariably he tries to jerk me off or blow me, and then gets sad that I'm as not-into-it as I said I would be. Every single guy thought he was special -- I state clearly that I'm not into having my dick sucked, but they're convinced that they're the one who can finally open my eyes (and I can sort of see their thinking -- I myself spent enormous amounts of time hoping a guy would come along who I would really fall for in a way that would lead my sexual interests to broaden -- but I eventually just had to recognize it's just not in me)

(And there are things I like that I do have them do to me, they just don't want to stop there. It seems to be such a hard-wired attitude that if they don't directly get me off with their hands or mouth, the hookup is a sad failure. I don't know where this stereotype of gay men [or men] only caring about getting themselves off came from -- I can't find them anywhere!)

So I got a Viagra prescription, and with that and an incredible amount of concentration, I can now (sometimes) make it through receiving a blow job, and feign enjoyment for the other guys sake. I hate it. I hope someday I actually manage to connect with a guy who has the preferences of the letter writer.


It's funny because I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm into dick but not so much into men.

No, seriously. About the advice to "find a trans man with a vagina"- please note that the LW did not say he was interested in a vagina. Not having a dick does not mean having nothing. I don't know how trans men feel about their vaginas- I suppose there is loads of variety there. But I'm pretty sure they don't just think of themselves as "men without dicks" so before we suggest this could solve his problem, we should think about what the trans man might be getting out of it. He has genitalia too, and if the LW just sees the trans man's genitalia as a convenient lack of dick rather than something that brings the trans man pleasure in whatever way the particular trans man enjoys it, then the LW will be right back in the same situation.

@JyLckhart- Sorry about that. I have a similar situation in that I'm not a fan of receiving oral. I don't have the same aversion you do so when I had insistent lovers, I'd sometimes just lay back and let them. I'd try to frame it in my mind like I was giving them pleasure- this is something they are into so I'm going to go along with it to be generous to their pleasure. This worked for me because I do not HATE oral, I just don't get anything particularly exciting out of it. It's like if someone wanted to suck my toes- go ahead, but it's about their toe interest , not my desire to have my toes sucked. Then after a while when I don't have an orgasm (which yes, some guys take personally as you say), I just use my hands or else pull them up and act like I'm so turned on that I need them to fuck me right now so we can move on to other things. I don't know if it would help you to think of it this way since you hate it. If it's something you really hate, then that's different. As for me, I don't hate it, there's just 20 other things I'd rather be doing. Sometimes I orgasm from oral, but it's never as good as an orgasm from other things, and the rest of my body feels neglected- like I could've just used a vibrator if that's what I wanted. I don't think you should have to feign enjoyment. Some people will find it a deal breaker no doubt, but you should be able to insist on your boundaries without medicating your way through them. Best of luck.


ICR I only did oral/anal because I wanted some guy to love me back. (never worked very well) You like what you like and there's no way to change it. You'll find a guy who wants to do stuff the way you like it, probably lots of guys. you're no more selfish than anybody else, so relax.


@Sublime, back when you were a young man who didn't like eating pussy, was it something about the experience that you found unpleasant or was it that you didn't really know what to do? I'm asking because when I was a teen girl, I really disliked sucking cock because it was uncomfortable and seemed to go nowhere, then I realized I just didn't know how to do it. (And on top of this, some young guys are rude about it.)

Asking because perhaps some of this guy's deal could be performance anxiety or some similar psychological revulsion? Sucking cock is a skill, as is topping someone, as is giving a handjob,

If the LW is accustomed to just having others lavish attention on him and receiving pleasure, he might find the learning curve intimidating- he'd have to reveal that he's an inexperienced lover, and that can be hard for some people. I wonder because he says he loses an erection when topping, yet topping does not require him to interact with another man's penis. It does require him to take an active role and do something he hasn't yet developed the skills to do.


I'm a very sexually active older gay man. I constantly encounter men who only want one thing or another -- give head, get head, ass up lubed, jack off without touch, etc. It's really endless. Not liking dick is a tad unusual but not the weirdest thing ever. He may want to watch more dick worshiping porn to determine if it's really dicks he doesn't like or just how they've been presented to him. He may also want to be really bitchy about overall hygiene of his tricks. He may need a man who's shaved his junk, or one who's super hairy. He may need a man to "force" him to perform oral. There's definitely something right, yet something off.


@25/EmmaLiz: At age 16, lack of experience and the absence of encouragement from my partners probably kept me from eating pussy. The first time a young woman spread her legs for me with the expectation that I would eat her pussy was the first time I had really seen a pussy. Even the few Penthouse magazines I had seen didn’t quite capture a woman’s anatomy. When I put my lips and tongue to her clit, she didn’t really react at all and after a few minutes of eating her pussy, I had no clue whether she was enjoying it or not. As I wrote above, she also didn’t spread her legs very wide, so I had this awkward feeling of my face being tightly between her thighs, which wasn’t exactly pleasant. Of course I didn’t think I could take my hands and hold her legs back and apart, as I would do now. And I lay on my stomach with my head bent back, which is the worst position to eat pussy. Also, at that time young women were not shaving or waxing off their pubic hair, so there was a lot of licking hair, which wasn’t pleasant.

But to explain what it was like, I would have to describe how I felt as a little child thinking about eating tomatoes. For some reason, the way tomatoes look when they are cut in half, the way they smell, their texture, and their taste were unappealing. I remember being about five and saying that I would try one at dinner, but I just couldn’t eat it. That was the kind of feeling I had about eating pussy as a teen.

What changed? Well, when I had a sex partner, after a period of time when I had no sex partners, I just enjoyed eating her pussy. It wasn’t about her, so much as the time away from pussy gave my erotic imagination time to think about touching a woman in that way, and found that idea appealing. And wanting to do it was all that it took for women to perceive me as being highly skilled at eating pussy.

As I mentioned above, the fact that all my partners over the past 20 years wax, shave, or heavily trim their pubic hair also makes for a more enjoyable experience.


Thanks Sublime- that's a great explanation and also a great analogy. So it sounds like the issue was more about experience, opportunity, and the situation and not about any sort of performance anxiety or vulnerability about lack of skills along the learning curve. That's been my story too, but it just made me wonder if maybe the LW has some anxiety going on. Maybe not.

Have to chime in on this:
"Of course I didn’t think I could take my hands and hold her legs back and apart, as I would do now. And I lay on my stomach with my head bent back, which is the worst position to eat pussy. "

lol! I can relate. I'd just become sexually active (and this in the day before the internet so I'd never seen porn) and it didn't occur to me either that I could hold the dick I was trying to blow. Then one day I saw someone do that vulgar thing with their hands and mouth where they pretend they are holding a dick in their mouth and then push their tongues against their cheeks to make it look like the head of the dick is inside the mouth. If I'd seen people do that before, I didn't really understand it, because I had an aha! moment and realized I could hold on to the dick I'm trying to suck rather than just try to hold in place with my head, ha ha. Another girl mentioned this to me as well- that I could use my hands and change position instead of trying to lay on my stomach in their crotch - I think I was using my arms like I was doing planks over the guy, ha ha ha. I guess I'd have eventually figured it out on my own?

I bet it's very different for kids today with all the porn on the interwebs.


Go Marco Marco, those men are gorgeous.
Confusing re choices gay men have to suck or not to suck. Whatever happened to GGG? How come women have to suck or they are given the boot/ it’s standard expectation, says Dan/ double standard much.
LW, you can’t take a man to bed before telling him you are a pillow princess, that’s cruel. Put it up on your web site, I’m a taker, not a giver.. there’s guys out there ready to comply.
The Phallus is confronting, and the point by tim browne @26 is instructive. It does depend on how it is presented. So watch some phallus worshipping videos and see if you can get into the groove.


Or is it pillow prince?


Emma @28: "I bet it's very different for kids today with all the porn on the interwebs."
I'm not sure which is worse: having to figure out on your own how to suck a cock/eat a pussy, or thinking that face-fucking is the standard way of sucking cock or that all pussies will be shaved and probably pierced. Does cunnilingus feature much in porn? Or is it all rough anal and cream pies?


@31 ~ Of course there's cunnilingus in porn. Generally lasts about 30 seconds. Girls, you better learn how to come fast! On a tangentially related note, Girlfriend gives glowing reviews to newly purchased rabbit vibrator...four clits up! (or whatever the scale is for rating female sex toys).


@18 It depends on what is needed to produce and/or maintain it. If it is the product of plastic surgery or anorexia or amphetamines or unhealthily excessive diet and/or exercise, then yes, it is unrealistic.

Note: all of the things I mentioned above do have a valid use: when they promote good health. Thus top or bottom surgery promotes good health for transgender people, ADHD medicine is an amphetamine, diet and exercise in proper moderation are healthy.

What I'm arguing for is an Aristotelian mean. Virtue lies between vices of defect and of excess. In this case, the fashion industry is a cesspool of vices of excess.


@JyLckhart and EmmaLiz, It's nice to know there are other people out there who dislike receiving oral as much as I do. I've had lots of guys, including ones that were never going to have the opportunity to try, tell me that if I don't like it I just haven't had it done right. I hate the way it feels, I have an aversion to being licked in general and I would probably kick someone in the face if they tried sucking my toes. It sucks when people think they know your body better than you do. It reminds me of an acquaintance who is super vegan and tried to convince me that if I just eat kale often enough I will eventually like it. (I have no problem giving oral to a partner with a penis.)


To WILD (who isn't) - why are you waiting until you're in bed with another man to tell him that all he can expect from you is a duty hand job? Seriously! I'd kick you out of the house so fast for pulling that kind of shit. Myself, I check to make sure our sexual desires mesh before I get together with someone, so someone like you wouldn't get very far. But some men lie to get what they want. And if you'd lied about what you were into to get me into bed - you wouldn't even get the chance to put your shoes on, you'd be out the door with them in your hand.

You need to learn how to talk about sex, and talk with potential partners about what you do and don't want to do, and let them decide at that point, early in the process, whether they want to play with you. Pulling out a fact like that at the last moment is incredibly disrespectful of your sex partners. If you're meeting men via apps, put your lack of interest in other men's dicks in your profile - you're more likely to meet men who are fine with it, and who won't be seriously offended.

@22 - you really don't have to go through all that! Just swat their hand away and say no, I'm really not into anyone playing with my dick. If you can smile and sound cheerful too, that will defuse the slap-the-hand-away. If they persist, say "do you really want to make me unhappy after the great time we've had so far?"


Anyone who has remotely paid attention to any kind of sex+ discourse knows what it means to be a selfish lover. So the positive read of persistent oralists is that those lovers are trying not to be selfish. Of course, it's equally selfish to ignore clearly explained desires and turnoffs because the person thinks s/he can be the oral magician. I can see the dilemma.

But I can also say that as a person who really likes to give head to women that there can sometimes be other motivations relative to overall pleasure. In my case, if there has been a gap since we've last had sex, things are going to be (waaaaay too) quick on my end. So I like having opportunities to participate in my partner's pleasure in other ways and I also find that foreplay to be extremely pleasurable. If we're going to make out for a bit, move through quick foreplay because my partner isn't interested in receiving head, and get to intercourse, things are going to be finished fast. And that only seems enjoyable if we are seeking a quickie in the hallway closet at a party, not when we have time for something more engaged and engaging.

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