This might seem as a pretty ordinary issue compared to the ones I usually read about on your blog but I could really use your help. I am 29-year-old hetero woman in a monogamous relationship. I love my boyfriend and I am OK to fuck him only. When I met him, he could barely carry a sexual act to its end. He had some issues from his past relationships and we worked on them together, to the point where we now have great sexual chemistry and a lot of sex.
Early on I realized he liked to fantasize a lot about friends, family, and people we met. It was quite new to me, but I gradually started to appreciate that and explore new ideas and fantasies myself. We role played, we used Chatroulette and YP, and recently I went on vacation and came back with a couple of toys to have fun with. Things like that.
But he seems to NEED to comment on every slightly sexy girl passing by, or who appears on TV, on in his Facebook news feed. He knows it makes me jealous and uncomfortable when he does this—it makes me feel like I am not sexy, beautiful, or transgressive enough—and I don’t see the sense of telling me stuff that makes me unhappy. To make things even worse, Dan, he has stopped telling me how sexy, beautiful, or even nice I am.
There are times when he is jealous about friends or colleagues that showed an interest on me and I tried to show him respect and avoided engaging in behaviors that made him uncomfortable. I embraced his point of view regarding these interactions and put a stop to them. But every time I try to point out that this behavior makes me sick it’s like I’m telling him to not be himself. He gets angry and tells me I sound just like his mother.
When I've tried to speak with him about this he gets upset and says I can't possibly understand him and that I need to get over this stupid stuff and that I am mediocre girlfriend. And tonight he randomly friended on fifteen pretty girls on Facebook to see if I would get angry. It actually made me cry.
I feel like shit at the moment and I would like to know your opinion. I have always thought of myself as open minded—a tiny bit jealous, yes, but still a reasonable person. And I never felt so diminished and not-attractive as during those episodes. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.
Just A Jealous Girl
You've only done one thing wrong, JAJG: you haven't allowed yourself to see your piece of shit boyfriend for the piece of shit he actually is.
Your boyfriend was on "best behavior" mode early in the relationship—everyone is early in a relationship—but once he conned you into believing he had genuine feelings for you, JAJG, the nice, vulnerable, hurting boy struggling with "issues from his past relationships" disappeared. That boy, the boy who needed the love woman of a good woman to help him heal (eye-roll emoji goes here), was a fraud. He was never that boy. The person he was, the person he is, and the person he always will be... is a controlling, manipulative, inconsiderate, selfish piece of shit who gets off on making you cry.
Your misery and your pain aren't an accident, JAJG, they're his goal. For while he isn't physically abusing you—yet—he's abusing psychologically while isolating you from your friends and coworkers. He's doing all he can to chip away at your self esteem and the number of friends and colleagues you're not allowed to interact with is only going to grow, JAJG, and those two moves—belittling, isolating—are the early warning signs of an abuser. Abusers don't typically enter our lives with their fists flying, issuing angry demands, and enforcing double standards; most people would know to run from that. All too often abusers come into our lives disguised as vulnerable, hurting sadsacks who need our help—a move that ironically appeals to the same egos (we have the power to heal this sad, sad person!) that our abusers then proceed to dismantle bit by excruciating bit.
Everyone is on "best behavior" mode early in a relationship—there's no shame in that—but what you want to see when "best behavior" mode winds down is a decent, flawed person. A decent flowed person who looks at you and is inspired to be the best version of themselves they can possibly/reasonably/sustainably be. What you don't wanna see—and want you want to run from if you do see—is a cruel and selfish piece of shit who looks at you and is inspired to do whatever they can to make you feel as shitty as they are.
The person you fell in love with—that little broken-winged bird who could barely function sexually—doesn't exist and never did. He always was and always will be an asshole.