Porn was framed!!

Bro. Broooooooo.
I know it probably feels like you'll never find anyone else in the world as sexy and as in love with you as this woman, but SERIOUSLY she is making you miserable. NOBODY'S TITS ARE THAT PERKY!!! Being with someone who is less physically attractive, but who isn't so wrapped up in their own drama and trauma would be a MUCH more positive experience. Plenty of woman wouldn't care in the slightest if you didn't come, (as long as you didn't care either.) Plenty of women would love being with a man who could energizer bunny her into hours of multi-pleasure without running out of steam. For fuck's sake, stop having sex with the hot mess who can't get out of her head long enough to do ANY of the things that might help you to do the thing she's shaming you for not doing. She's traumatized, yes, but she's also selfish and manipulative and hides behind her trauma to avoid doing any relationship or sexual work.
DTMFA
Find a good sex therapist for yourself.
Start jerking it and watching porn again in moderation.
Get yourself out there and meet some less needy, less broken women who will find your "affliction" charming and a fun bonus instead of the Shakespearean tragedy you and your current entanglement seem to think it is.

Holy shit, when I was already halfway through and got to the paragraph that began "Second,...."

"So it’s been over a year now since she’s seen me come. The last time that we were together after she jerked me and I didn’t come, she curled into a ball and punched the bed."

A woman in her mid 40s is having a massive tantrum about a few mL of jizz. This is beyond unhealthy, and it's clearly traumatizing you. There is not a body (re: great ass, perky tits) in the world worth this kind of anguish. Dump her, please.

LW, ffs you don’t need to go into your sixties with this shit going on. I agree with Dan, you need to end this destructive relationship. Then be with yourself for a while as you repair your connection to your sexuality, while seeing a therapist. If this woman did love you, as you believe, she wouldn’t be punishing you as she does.

mnbbvccccccvv

Kudos to Dan for getting through all that. I gave up about halfway, and I think "DUDE" pretty much encapsulates it all.

I'm actually too exhausted from all that reading to add a comment to Dan's overall thorough advice. I just wonder whether LW will take it, or whether he's become accustomed to the pattern of blaming porn, denying himself and accepting her unpredictable moods, feeling he's now responsible for avoiding tripping her triggers.

BTW, Dan. The word is "elusive" as in difficult to find or achieve. The word "illusive" means deceptive.

Dan gets paid to read all that. I don't. Dude, break up with Ms Perky and maybe try being with someone you don't find as intimidating. Roll on tomorrow's letter.

Why, why, why did I read a bit more.
"Also, she still maintains connections with a few people in the poly community that she had turned to when she had broken up with me. And that has me fearing she’ll act out with other guys, like she did in that period."

"Act out"? "ACT OUT"? Um, do you mean "have sex"? Your issues have issues, dude. Get thee to a therapist and stop slut shaming your girlfriend -- who would probably also benefit from a therapist.

I can't decide who is a bigger disaster. I'd advise breaking up, but it's not like either of them have a high probability of ever not being total head cases. Maybe some people are 'right' for each other just because they are wrong for anyone else.

I’m always surprised at the level to which Dan takes his letters at face value. Especially from men. I personally don’t think he gives that latitude to women. Because Jesus Christ - that letter is nuts. You know it’s nuts. We all know it’s nuts. And the way he pathologizes every one of her reactions or attitudes is not good. ‘Triggered?’ Yeah, ok... or maybe she just didn’t feel like jerking you off for half and hour with the prospect of doing it for at least another half hour later. ‘Scared of feces’... or gee... maybe she just doesn’t like anal. Maybe I missed something in all that - I certainly didn’t read it all (because it’s NUTS) but this guy needs to get himself some therapy and leave women alone for a while.

That’s because Dan has a dick too and understands all its peculiarities Vivic @12.
My guess is the perky breasted one really wants out so let her go, LW, and stop with all the bleeding heart bs. Your dick works @60, and for a lot of women closer to your age, that’s a big plus. Many women forever have not come during it after or ever. If you relaxed with all the internal dialogue, your love/ sex life in the future might look brighter.

So much of this letter is "Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this!", where 'do this' is 'literally be in a room at all with this woman.' Regardless of who's fault this is, both these people should be seeing therapists, not each other.

Dan's spell check didn't catch "illusive" because it is a homophone to "elusive," but I think he was going for the latter word.

I didn't read this entire letter because holy crap. But it seems pretty clear that this guy needs a more supportive partner—one who would actually attend sex therapy if needed, perhaps—to get over his performance anxiety.

"Yeah, I know — she’s a mess"

You misspelled "I'm".

"The two women I dated before her were also triggered by me not coming inside them, jerking me off for a long time and me still not coming."

They weren't "triggered," they were bored.

"I am genetically young for my age"

What the hell does that even mean? Dude, your genes are just as old as you are.

I'm trying, I'm really REALLY trying, to find some sympathy for this guy. I'm sure it's frustrating to not be able to come no matter what you do... except for the thing you know is almost guaranteed to work, you just haven't done it because... um... I said I was trying. Maybe this is some sort of weird fairy tale and the price of this ultra hot woman-on-a-pedestal is not being able to come with her. In which case, tell her that's just the way it is, perhaps due to your age (which would require you to admit), let her enjoy every minute of it, don't waste time on handjobs which, trust me, she finds FAR more tedious than you do, and replay the sex the following day while having a wank. Sounds like everyone would be happy with that solution. And in between, get some therapy! Get lots!

Or maybe therapy isn't needed if he can find a more patient partner. It sounds like he was making progress before she was "triggered" and dumped him, which reignited his general sex-related anxiety.

The problem is ultimately his to handle (ahem), of course.

We've seen a lot of LW's write novels, but I don't think I've seen Dan write such a novel in return. I'll be real, I didn't finish (pun intended, hiyaaaaaaaa).

Anywho, this guy exhibits signs that he's afraid of being judged - which is why I think he can do his thing with sex workers but not people he's interested in. His partner seems to be doing her best to exacerbate those issues, so like... what's that saying - behind every hot woman is a guy tired of fucking her? Find someone that doesn't put you on edge and maybe your ejaculatory problems will go away. Or, you're 60, check that prostrate holmes, maybe you've got some issue that makes it difficult to cum when you otherwise would even given your situation.

@16 Genetic age is a thing - the aging process is essentially the accumulation of DNA errors from the replicating process, and like the half life in chemistry, it happens at a fairly regular rate - but for reasons both genetic and environmental, happen faster or slower in some people. I'm 38, and could probably pass for 28, but (having just had my 20 year HS reunion) I have some classmates that look like they're 50 now. Life takes you places.

Get thee to therapy - stat. There's way too much t
here address in a letter but plenty of good pre-work done for therapy. She has one now, you saw one together for a minute, time for you to do your own - and keep going no matter where this relationship goes.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and guess that even if you could suddenly produce all the cum in the world, things would still be rocky. She'd suddenly find some other issue, maybe many, maybe she'd just leave. I seriously doubt it's the magic answer you're looking for. Physical issues are very easy to focus on when emotional issues are challenging to confront or even name. It's somewhat less personal and it's all about you instead of everything she needs to do, which I'm thinking is a lot. Focus on your own work, build your self confidence for you, for her, for anyone you might be with in the future.

I persevered and actually did finish both the letter and Dan's response. Once I get past some nebulous point of no return, I have a bloody-minded compulsiveness to finish these things. Also, I'm retired, so I've got the time...

As to this shit show, if she truly is repeatedly dumping this guy solely due to his inability to orgasm with her, then not only does she not love him as much as he claims she does, she doesn't love him at all. DTMFA and get thee to a shrink's sofa!

"[I]f you were a woman who had difficulty coming and your male partner was pitching fits about it" you would have quickly learned to fake it.

Regardless, none of this sounds like any fun, MJWTC. Every aspect of her personality and body may excite your emotions, but it sounds like panic - her perky ass and boobs don't actually get you off.

I feel like given the fairly limited number of times I've read the phrase "get thee" over the course of my life, it would be a slightly interesting coincidence that both 20 and 21 used it, if that was indeed merely a coincidence.

I wasn't able to finish reading your letter, LW, because I was getting depressed! This relationship seems to be making you absolutely miserable. No matter how much you like each other, looks like you're sexually incompatible, and the good parts of your relationship (there were some things that made you happy, right?) are not enough to make up for the sexual incompatibility, hence the recriminations, fighting, guilt-tripping and break ups.

Whatever the cause, you are unable to orgasm with this woman, and sounds like this is extremely important for her (and you). You two are just not meant to be. Break up, block her from everything, stop stalking her activities, don't talk to people about her, stop seeing your mutual friends until you're no longer obsessed with rehashing this relationship, get rid of her porn video. Delete all her digits and DO NOT CONTACT her again. The two of you are never going to work out!

Then you need to get counseling to work on your low self esteem re your sexual desirablility, and the sexual hang-ups caused by your upbringing. Perhaps you were brainwashed into believing that sex is sinful, or that it's only for procreation, and if you're not making babies you shouldn't have/enjoy sex, and this caused the inability to orgasm with women whom you are in relationships with. You mentioned that you were sexually repressed, since I didn't read your whole letter I don't know if you mention why. If it's because of religion, you really need to work jard on disbelieving the garbage you were taught. You're never going to be able to enjoy sex in a committed relationship until you get over the guilt of having a sex life!

Good luck LW, life is too short for all this angst. Listen to Dan, DTMFA.

*work hard

never before has "slog" been a more appropriate name for this column

I want to tell MJWTC to get therapy and to be prepared to pay double, but I'm putting myself in the therapist's place and trying to imagine what the therapist would say. Let's shorten the letter to:

"I have a number of sexual problems going back to the way I was brought up and possibly pornography and a woman I really like who messes with me in overly dramatic ways. But mostly the problem has to do with an inability to orgasm."

(I didn't read the whole letter either. Nor Dan's whole answer.)

I imagine the therapist would first suspect a physical cause. I don't know enough about the medical side of sexual issues, but I keep finding that everything that was previously thought to be 100% psychological eventually turns out to be mostly physical. (Remember when heart disease was about type A personality? And menstrual cramps affected girls who didn't get along with boys or couldn't accept being women? How about all the guys who couldn't get it up before Viagra?)

The next thing I imagine a therapist saying would be to stop trying to come so hard. Tell your girlfriend that that's off the table for the foreseeable future. For the next year or for as long as she wants to stay with you, you're going to take care of her sexually, enjoy the moment as to getting hard, enjoy all the company and caresses, and you're not going to try to come. That's it. Tell her that you understand if she doesn't want to stay under those circumstances which would make it a sort of mutual dumping. If you date someone else, be upfront about the sexual problem that you're not seeing as a problem. You're going to enjoy sex without coming. Many women in the 60 year old age range will be okay with this. Go find one of them.

I’d like to comment, but my brain is still steaming from trying to process that letter and Dan’s response...I think a little puff of smoke actually shot out of my ears. Dan covered it, I have no insight or help to offer. These two have issues on top of issues wrapped in issues and covered with a crispy layer of bacon. Good luck to all involved, and congratulations to whatever lucky team of therapists takes this case. You’ll at least get a new yacht out of the billings, and probably a vacation home in Bermuda where you can dock it.

@BiDanFan

@10: I took "act out" to mean "hurt herself." It's one thing to slut around ethically and have a great time, which I'd never consider acting out. But LW did mention this woman has a history of sexual abuse and trauma, for which she didn't get therapy until he goaded her into it. It sounds as though she's trying to "fuck the pain away" and then hating herself as a result. Perhaps "act out" isn't the best description, but I see more genuine concern for her than slut-shaming from the LW.

@16: No, triggered sounds exactly right.

Did you miss the part where LW says jacking him off reminds her of her abuser? How would you describe that other than "triggered"?

Did you miss the part where she flips out suddenly without warning? Punches things? Curls up in a fetal position?

Someone who's "just bored" can say so like an adult, instead of shaming and berating an obviously sensitive man for a dysfunction he already resents himself for.

Look, I understand that the letter was an ordeal to read, but if you can't make it through the whole thing, it's unfair to say he's using terms inappropriately when a more thorough reading would have indicated otherwise.

Briefly, CMY.

They both need help; they both need therapy.

She's clearly a pillow princess who resents having to do anything to help get him off. And she's likely bored (a half hour to an hour of jerking someone would bore me). But feeling "triggered," breaking up, with or curling up into a ball are, at the least, bizarre responses to the situation of your boyfriend's inability to orgasm.

And the letter writer: DUDE.

You two are the definition of the phrase "sexually incompatible." Don't waste time or energy assigning blame; this isn't working for either one of you. Break up, move on, and both of you get some therapy. The lw has so much to unpack here I bought him a steamer trunk. Tell me where to send it please, Dan.

Ha, it was a coincidence, actually.
Virla clearly has an extraordinary way with words, tho.

I was looking forward to reading SLLOTD and writing a comment, but I there was no way I could get through reading that letter. I've read shorter plot summaries for Anna Karenina. (AK: DTMFA Count Karenin; get therapy for your insecurities, leave your repressive state, and date Count Vronsky). It seems a good bet that if you cannot sum up your issue in 250 words, you need to see a physician(s), a therapist, and/or relationships counselor.

I do believe this is the first time I've ever given up on reading a Savage Love letter midway through (and I started reading this column back in the early 90s). But.... my goodness. Maybe I'll try to read it later. Maybe I'll even give Dan's response a go. But.... no.... life is too short. Glad this isn't my job!

Kitsch @17: She willingly jerked his dick for half an hour? He ain't gonna find anyone who's more patient than that.

Fubar @22: Agreed with your comment re faking it.
I do feel sorry for MJWTC. Similar to BOA, he is 60 but due to lack of life experience this letter reads as if it were written by an angsty 22-year-old. He clearly has issues around what seems to me like normal levels of masturbation and porn use. But he's peppered his novel with so many eye-rollers that I'm taking his description of Ms Perky's issues with several grains of salt. I can't tell whether she's complicit in his self-shaming for not having orgasms. It seems that if she's that hot and experienced, she'd have encountered other men who have difficulty coming from [insert activity here]. Did she punch the bed because he pressured her into jacking him for a half hour and then admitted it wasn't going to happen, or did she punch the bed because SHE felt like a frustrated failure? If she's making things worse by shaming him instead of thanking him for a great time and offering to hold him while he masturbates, then a virtual bitch-slap for her. But given that she's a survivor of sexual abuse, I'm calling MJWTC as the More Messed Up Person in this equation.

Xiao @29: Did you miss the part where he was talking about TWO OTHER WOMEN who were "triggered" by his not coming, not the current Ms Perky? His overuse of the term "triggered" makes it difficult for me to tell whether anyone actually is being triggered in any given use of the word. I did read the letter thoroughly in the end; did you?

summary of letter: Dear Dan, I can't come. Words, however, just keep coming, I can't stop them, shooting out wad after streaming wad.

@36 Savage Bukkake.

Ms Cute - When you listen to the current podcast, you ought to be able to tell which call reminded me of Pride and Prejudice, towards the end of Chapter Nine.

MJWTC has had partnered sex for thirty years, often scant sex, without feeling confident in himself sexually. Maybe this is the first thing he could try to address. How? Sex workers? Fuckbuddies? Another partner? All possibilities.

His gf understands his not coming, or his taking an hour to come, as a reflection on whether she is now unproblematically sexual--on whether she has recovered from abuse. He should just say that it's not. It's not about her. Nowhere in his long letter was there any mention of their having this conversation. The people who say 'break up' may be precipitate here, though, in that MJWTC talks of love, and his gf does care enough to go to counseling sessions with him.

Ordinarily one good way to dissipate a guy's performance anxieties would be to place the accent on his pleasuring his partner. This fulfills him in one sense, and takes the pressure off his own erection. Here that advice doesn't work. She is frustratingly orgasmic for him anyways; and she has a specific problem with his 'dysfunction'. Why don't the two of them explore--that is, discuss--why his not coming is an issue for her? And also take the more technical steps, like wanking past the point of no return and letting her take over, that Dan prescribes.

@2 kathrynlena & @10 Bi. I don't think in principle that one 'needy and broken' person shouldn't be with another needy or broken person. People can work on their issues together. Mutual repair!

Dan, I'm so glad you decided to respond to this letter before reading it.

MJWTC, good luck you can do it!

I read the whole thing and now I think that means /I/ need therapy (to let go of wanting to read the whole thing).

@27. Fichu. This is just the guidance that I thought would be due in most circumstances but didn't hold in this!

@41. curious. That's good commitment! I read the whole thing too. The strange thing is that people who admit to only having read part think essentially the same thing as me... :-/

Harriet @43: I did go back and read the whole thing, in chunks, and reading the entire letter did not change the opinion I'd formed by the third paragraph!

Time for my usual plug for my book--The Orgasmic Diet. Speeds up orgasm in men and women. Although obviously there's a psychological component going on here too. Maybe if the letter writer comes easily, his self esteem will improve and he will see what a spoiled brat Miss Perky Tits is being.

@44. Bi. I worked out that you read it all. Call of duty or what. I had more or less the same reaction as you to the effect that Dan was, on balance, too censorious about his gf shaming MJWTC for his ejaculatory no-shows. One place where he makes a good point, however, concerns the LW believing maybe a little too credulously that his gf is blissfully, thoroughly in the moment in her porno. MJWTC is intimidated by how absorbed she seems in the fucking leading up to her orgasms. Whereas he gets so easily distracted, then loses his hard-on. Why doesn't he ask about this? It may turn out that she isn't in the moment as he thinks, that she sometimes zones out and, in the absence of pressure, is able to resume the thread....

My hopes are pinned now on dr.spellcaster being able to cast a magic 'expultrice!' spell on the guy's dick.

Dan, is this the longest letter you've ever published? Just curious.
I agree with all that you said, but especially with DTMFA! This woman is just too much! I would never treat a lover that way! Yes, she's got trauma in her background, but that is not a blank check to treat others badly. And he's being treated badly. Granted, he's complicit, but hopefully he'll take your advice. And hopefully he'll find his way to someone who is kinder.

I think one thing is for sure: this is the last time Dan decides to answer the first question in his inbox without first checking the size of the message!

@48 BiDanFan
I hope it's the last time I commit to reading a letter before checking the size of the message/reply!

In addition to all the advice LW received, including the fact that his girlfriend may need to work on herself before being in a relationship, I want to offer one more piece of advice: try edging. When you know you're going to have sex with somebody, try stroking yourself before you meet her, but not to orgasm. Do this for a few days and see how the sex goes. You may find it a lot easier to come.

@23: It's in the zeitgeist as a paraphrase of a line from Hamlet, which expresses some combination of frustration, irritation, dismissiveness, contempt, and self-loathing, not unlike what some of us may feel toward LW (and ourselves re: self-loathing) after reading even part of the letter. It's not exactly an unrelated coincidence, nor directly related.

I couldn't make it through, nor could I initially figure out how to interpret the uses of "triggered". This guy may be primarily familiar with the term in one of its (usually trollish and/or sardonic) common-use meanings as a synonym for "frustrated" or "irritated"; I think the parts I read make sense if we just substitute "frustrated", though I'm not about to go back and look.

Break up permanently - irrespective of everything else, and who's more at fault, someone who repeatedly breaks up and gets back together with you is not likely to make you happy, rather (more) insecure and anxious.

Not to make this a zombie thread but I do agree with Harriet, why not level with Hot GF LW? Tell her you're inexperienced and that you have trouble coming. It has nothing to do with her or you're attraction to her. You just get stuck in your head sometimes. What you really need for her to believe you when you say you love her and are attracted to her.

This may be how your dick works, she needs to stop using you're difficulty ejaculating as a referendum on her worth as a person. Private parts can be prima donnas. Sometimes you can't come for love nor money and it has nothing to do with your partner.

I disagree though on the idea of two broken people fixing each other. That only works in stories. If you carry a lot of damage you there's a good chance you lack the tools to heal yourself, nevermind being able to help someone else with different damage.

They should be spend some time with a therapist. Each need to fix their own problems before trying to fix each other.