Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Does she have to tell randos that she has an IUD? She's thinking about divorce but Plan A and Plan B both suck. Is there a Plan C? He would rather be with a sex worker than a waitress. Where can a bisexual woman find a bisexual woman? Bisexual Twitter is here to help! And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
Why is brevity such an issue with your letter writers?
I blame email. Way back when—back when people had to hold pens in their hands and write their questions down on pulped trees—their hands would cramp if they went on too long. But people don't ever seem to stop typing.
Joan Price makes a good point...
Love your advice, @fakedansavage, but please don't tell parents to send 14-y-o to Amazon for sex toys. Support our progressive, feminist sex toy shops. Parents can do the shopping. Plus Amazon sells unhealthy, cheap, breakable knock-offs among the good stuff. #savagelovecast
— Joan Price (@JoanPrice) January 24, 2019
On women "stealthing" to get pregnant and my suggestion that stories about women stealthing were mostly apocryphal:
I know a couple where the woman stole the man's sperm in a condom and inseminated herself with it. He even pays child support as to have access to his daughter. While "the plural of anecdote is data" it is certainly not apocryphal.
Longtime reader and fan from Melbourne Australia. I’m a middle aged cis het guy and I have experienced women stealthing me by lying about being on the pill when they were not, in an attempt to get pregnant without my consent. They’ve admitted to it after the fact by complaining that they never expected me to be so diligent in always insisting on wearing a condom. I agree that many het men are stupid and selfish when it comes to contraception and safe sex. But so are many het women. The sheer number of unplanned pregnancies cannot be blamed on men alone. I question some of the implicit biases in your article.
You contrast selfish pleasure with the desire to conceive, but pursuing conception by deception is also fundamentally selfish. The idea that (het) men are always perpetrators so they can never be victims is another bias at work here. This seems inconsistent with your ethical framework about sex, about not being selfish and deceptive to get what you want at the expense of your partner’s autonomy and integrity.
We don’t know how many men are stealthed into unwanted parenthood. Cases where men have proven they are not a biological father yet remain forced by the legal system to pay child support are reported in many countries. This is stealthing. This is sexual assault too. Double standards and hypocrisy should not go unchallenged. I’m not MRA RWNJ. I’m a socially progressive and sexually responsible person. It’s very difficult to make a rational point in this space without being slapped down with a sarcastic #notallmen. I would appreciate you reconsidering your commentary on this issue.
Reconsidering! Back to male stealthers...
All the discussion around male misuse, non-use, and abuse of condoms seems to assume these are rational, thoughtful decisions. But if there is ANY part of human sexuality that is hard-wired into our DNA, it has to be the desire to leave semen in a vagina. For 1000 generations and more, that is how you won the evolutionary lottery. That was life's ultimate prize—ejaculating in a vagina. Not near it, not close to it. INTO it. The stronger your desire to finish inside and leave sperm at any cost, the more kids you had. People, monkeys, rabbits, elephants—all the same. It's no wonder men don't like condoms—it goes against every sexual evolutionary impulse they have. Should we try to rise above this? Yes. But it's not surprising.
On "furry road":
As a devout fan, let me disagree with your take on "Furry Road." However a furry-oriented person myself, I can relate to the not-so-furry partner. What is sometimes tiresome and frustrating of (other people's) kinks is their repetition, where the only way to reach an interesting level of depth is by pressing the same key again and again. For me, there's nothing as quick as furry-induced arousal. But because it is something that my partner is not too much into (although they know it), I reserve it for myself as a treat. I try to be open to my partner's kinks and they try to do the same with me. It is not perfect (it is not) but allows movement and room to explore. So this is my first point, I think the writer is craving for more freedom of movement, and that's something that you can ask in a relationship and work around that, without denying other people's pleasures or preferences.
The other difficult aspect of kinks that you don't share is that feeling that they create a bubble around the partner where you are not allowed. For that, I would recommend some soul-searching to the writer: what is that she's afraid of? Is the problem about furriness or about intimacy, for example? Is there another way to have what she's looking for? For the record, I was doing the same with my partner, overly focused on the symptom (their kink) and not in what was really scary for me (lack of communication/intimacy). When I understood that I was in a better position to identify what I needed and ask for it–respecting their kinks.
Your answer to Don't Use My Real Name Was Beautiful. Couples separating too often either weaponize their children or stay in untenable situations. Living in close proximity works as long as the parents can keep the children as the focus rather than any rancor towards each other. And, of course, it must be a non-abusive relationship that's ending. With an abusive relationship it probably won't work to stay close by. My ex-husband and I lived two blocks apart and our daughters could easily go from one house to the other. It worked well, we worked through the hiccups, and raised two amazing daughters who are now in their thirties.
A random-but-relevant suggestion:
I just came across a book on amazon that I believe your followers will love. Jackson & Jillian: Not Your Parents' Nursery Rhyme. The main character is gay, but her doesn't know he's gay until the very end. It's set up as a mystery, but it's very well executed. Great twist at the end of the book. There's a lot of denial and ultimately self acceptance in the book. I believe many of your readers would identify with this book, especially if they're in the early stages of their journey.
...it's not a surprise that Roger Stone's grandson is an asshole. Apples, gravity, trees, and like that. But someone whose DNA is just two generations removed from Roger Stone's ballsack could actually be hot? That is a surprise.