Yes this happens to everyone. Feelings are not action items. They are also not a zero sum situation in which your feelings for your work friend need to diminish the feelings to have for your partner. There need not be a direct correlation between two people’s feelings and the nature/longevity of the relationship. I’ve probably said that a lot here, but I’m always amazed that people need to do something because they feel feelings. Just enjoy the crush. No need to terminate friendship, no need (at least based on this letter) to cheat.

--- "He is not open to flexibility around monogamy—but, to be fair, I haven't pushed it." So it sounds to me like you raised the subject of opening the relationship up because you're frustrated both by the sex you are having with your boyfriend (not frequent enough) ---

I read this VERY differently. My guess (literally, as good as yours) is that there has never been anything resembling a serious conversation about 'opening the relationship' - at most, some pillow talk about threesomes. Also, I suspect they have ENOUGH sex - 2-4x / week, but she has a sex drive that a friend once described to me as "Good morning, good evening, good night" and he's probably straight vanilla, capping out at some light spanking and dirty talk and gives maintenance oral. I don't read anything in LW's text expressing any level of dissatisfaction, and her wondering about if having a work crush being normal is BECAUSE she's unsatisfied. If she were actively unsatisfied, she wouldn't be wondering why she had these feelings, she'd know.

I didn’t think LW seemed especially dissatisfied either. The whole thing to me seems like someone in their first long term relationship, having (as I think was pointed out) never been told that just because you are in one of those doesn’t mean you stop being attracted to other people.

I live in a large city. During the commute to work and on the way home, I'd say that each day I see 5-10 women that I'd like to sleep with. And although I'm straight, I probably see about 2-3 guys a month where I wonder if heteroflexibility could be an option. Then if I build in the people I work with or know socially (woman at the local bookstore, woman at my regular taco spot, etc.) I'd say that there are at least another 10 people that I am crushing on. I could be at the far end of the spectrum, I don't know, but one crush is absolutely normal in my book. The big difference is that she sees her crush moving in some direction whereas the woman at the taco shop is not going to sleep with me and I'm not going to be a dick and flirt when she's just trying to do her job.

But, as others have said, she needs to talk with the BF. She needs to say that she loves him but needs more and varied. Then see if he follows through. If not, then she should be more direct about opening up the relationship. Did she say her age? If she's young, she needs to deal with this shit ASAP. Don't get stuck, letting the years pass by and then regretting not finding a more sexually compatible partner.

"you raised the subject of opening the relationship up because you're frustrated both by the sex [frequency and variety]... That's obvious inference here, right?"
No, that's not obvious inference, I agree with @2 Sportlandia about that part. We don't even know if LOVE raised the subject as a request or if it came up another way. I know different places my partner would never move to without ever having asked "Hey would you consider moving to a turkey farm with me", for example.

People can be interested in open relationships without being frustrated with the sex inside the relationship. Tons of varied sex with one person doesn't necessarily erase the desire for sex with a different person, or desire for newness or variety itself.

@4 surfrat: Early 30s.

LW, what are you thinking? What if his wife finds the texts then all of a sudden you’re in the middle of a super drama. Whatever is or isn’t going well with your relationship, stay away from the married with children man. Fine you are attracted to each other. Welcome to the human race. Don’t ever lose your ability to respond to other humans, just temper it with reality. He’s married he has children. Leave him to it.

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

In my earlier comments, when I said I didn’t she needed to terminate her friendship with her friend it was because I took the friendship to be based on something more/other than their mutual attraction to one another. And as such they text about things besides their mutual attraction. Or at least have enough grounds for a friendship to change the subject once it’s decided that they are not going to pursue an affair. Many of you commenters presume a full on emotional affair. Or at least that the dominant topic is their feelings for one another, therefore their phones are full of incriminating texts, etc. I don’t think I would refer to someone with whom the main topic of conversation was our mutual romantic feelings as my friend. That’s something else. On the other hand to me it’s entirely possible be friends with someone you have a crush on, mutual or not, and have this not at all come up in conversation. My earlier comments were totally based on the assumption that people can compartmentalize their feelings. This has been my experience. No one else?

b @9 "On the other hand to me it’s entirely possible be friends with someone you have a crush on, mutual or not, and have this not at all come up in conversation."

That is indeed entirely possible, but it's not what is happening with this LW:

"Recently, we acknowledged that we have romantic/sexual feelings for each other."

I can't remember the last crush I had, but I like this idea of feeling the crush, enjoying the crush & not acting on the crush. No need to terminate relations & end friendships. Just don't be an asshole.

In my experience this doesn’t end well. But it is so delicious while it lasts.

@10, If you read my entire comment, sorry it was so long, it did cover the fact that they had a history of discussing their feelings, and how they should be able to change the subject, in the first part, shortly before what you quoted.

@12 I am very curious, if you care to share, why must it end badly? How bad can something ending, that only exists in your mind anyway (your crushy feelings) really be? Especially if as #11 suggests, no one is an asshole?

b @13 while it is entirely possible to ignore romantic feelings for friends, I think that that gets a lot more difficult once those feelings have already been discussed and even have been acknowledged to be mutual.

Sure it’s not as easy as if they were never discussed or if they didn’t exist, but for mature emotionally grounded adults who have an actual friendship beyond just their mutual attraction, this is super low stakes, easy territory, in my opinion/experience. Many types of relationships involve circumstances that need to be navigated with care.

@14 I don’t know that it has to end badly, just that a similar situation did end badly for me, even though I’m pretty sure we were all trying not to be assholes. One problem is that having intense attraction to someone while not feeling that way about your primary partner is hard to reconcile even if you’re poly - no matter how rational you try to be, there’s some part of your brain wondering if maybe you’re with the wrong person. Another problem is that even if you don’t act on them, the feelings elevate the friendship to something more than a normal friendship but without the norms that come with a romantic relationship. So unless you and your friend stay in sync, there’s a lot of potential for getting hurt, which is true in any relationship but maybe harder to navigate when the “relationship” doesn’t officially exist. I loved every minute of indulging my feelings and I got my heart broken pretty badly. Not sure what if anything I’d do differently if I had the chance...

@17 I think meeting someone who makes you wonder if you’ve chosen the right partner is inevitable if you are with the same partner long enough. If that person also has feelings for you, then down the rabbit hole you go...i guess to me comparing my interactions with my crush to the person with whom I pay bills, visit parents in the hospital, etc feels a little too apples-and-oranges to go too far down. If my relationship has problems I try to treat them separately even if they were brought more into focus because I caught a glimpse of potentially greener grass either in the distance or up close.

@17 “ Another problem is that even if you don’t act on them, the feelings elevate the friendship to something more than a normal friendship but without the norms that come with a romantic relationship.”

This is an interesting point. The thing that is different from a normal romantic relationship is that both parties know it’s not going to “work out” from the start. That is like a “no fault clause” (assuming the online was an asshole thing). Both parties know that “elevated” state won’t last forever and the comedown might not be in sync. It’s so much easier for each party to own and work through their own feelings when that time comes.

Implicitly Dan's advice is 'be monogamish rather than monogamous and your problems go away'. But, in this case, 'don't have an affair with your crush, because he has a lot to lose; and there are lots of people he could hurt'. I don't think the 'switch to monogamish' advice is good as a boilerplate. A person's expanding their range of sexual partners doesn't redeem an unsatisfactory or ho-hum central relationship.

LOVE, the LW, does not seem to love her partner. They have a good connection, communicate well, are mutually supportive. She says nothing warmer than that. If she loves anyone, it's her crush. She's in her early 30s. That is, coming up to decision time on whether to have kids, to settle down with this guy, or to shoot for the lights with a career (about which her bf is supportive). (With some employers, yes, you can do both--especially with a supportive partner). LOVE needs to step away a little from her immediate preoccupation with her friend and ask herself how she would feel still to be with her current partner in twenty years. Would she feel disappointed? That it was right, or inevitable? Proud? Is it inconceivable to her? I would base any long-term decision on her honest sense of compatibility with her bf. Don't settle--or force him to settle.

She can't know what her crush is like. Sexually, in particular. Maybe merely her having a crush is a signal that she wants to explore more of her options?

LOVE, your issue is not the existence of your crush. Crushes are entirely common place, but in monogamous relationships, especially those in which you cannot acknowledge the existence a crush to your partner, or where the relationship has real flaw, as in your case, sexual incompatibility, crushes can become overwhelming. One of the wisest ideas ever conveyed in Savage Love is that EXCITEMENT + OBSTACLES = PASSION. When a person in monogamous sexual relationship feels bored by the sex they are having, they will feel a high degree of excitement in the idea of a new sex partner, especially if this potential sex partner shares their unfulfilled sexual interests. Meanwhile, monogamy and marital status create significant obstacles to fulfilling sexual desires. That results in passion, and can, for a period of time, lead to OBSESSION. Knowing this fact can be a real help in cutting a crush down to size. Crushes will have a lot less power over you if you can acknowledge them to a partner, and frankly anyone demanding monogamy from a long-term partner should be able to hear about those crushes, and those conversations should be sign of the strength of the monogamous union, and not a sign of its weakness.

LOVE, clearly your crush is also powered by the feeling of being trapped in a monogamous relationship that leaves you sexually unfulfilled. If your partner began to broaden the range of your vanilla sex or incorporated your BDSM interests, if any, you would feel a lot more excitement about your relationship and a lot less for a married friend. So have that conversation about what you need to be sexually fulfilled and exit your relationship if your partner is unwilling to fulfill you or allow another man to do so.

@10. Registered European. Yes, the LW and her former colleague are sincere people, not cynics or roués, and are very unlikely to be able to have an affair without fallout.

Same advice as WOW: keep this in your mind. Unfortunately, it's already come out -- they have, indeed, discussed their mutual crush. So they do need to and stop playing with fire before they get burned. I, too, interpreted the "discussion" about open relationships more the way Sporty did -- a passing mention early in the relationship, him saying he didn't think they were for him, no revisiting of the topic. I -don't- think the time to revisit it is because you've got someone you want to have an affair with and you don't want to be a CPOS. And at any rate, an affair with this married-with-kids man should not happen. If he is the catalyst to LOVE's realising that she can't be happy with just one man, she should talk to her boyfriend about this, but with the goal of dating as-yet-unmet other men (or women) who won't be cheating. If he's just the catalyst to realising that things have (oh so typically) become routine in a five-year relationship, she should turn her passion toward her boyfriend and trying to make things better with him. If she realises he's just not the guy and she doesn't want to spend the next 30 years with Mr Ho-Hum, she should break up with him, but again, pursue new pastures instead of this dude. So yes. Answer 1, yes; answer 2, not necessarily but sounds like yes in your case; answer 3, definite yes.

Ankyl @5: "People can be interested in open relationships without being frustrated with the sex inside the relationship." Agreed. Her describing herself as heteroflexible hints at one reason she might not want to confine herself to one person for life, even if that one person were an ideal lover. And also, yes -- some people just aren't wired for monogamy.

Beesting @13: I agree with others that this admission of mutual feelings doesn't seem, in this particular case, like a horse that can be put back in the barn. What decides it for me is that she's questioning her main relationship due to these feelings. People in strong relationships probably can, in theory, experience crushes, talk about the crushes, and suppress the crushes because they know they would never cheat/leave. LOVE is not in this category. Mr Married may or may not be, we don't know.

@4: Damn I'm jealous! I'm not exaggerating when I say on average I meet one man a year I want to sleep with. Unfortunately, every single time I meet this year's crush, he's either taken or doesn't fancy me. So I haven't had a relationship in ten years, because I aren't willing to sleep with people for the sake of it anymore like I used to in my 20s.

Do crushes happen to everyone, even those in long-term relationships or marriages? Of course. Does everyone take it as far as the LW has already? No, I think many monogamous people would view her actions so far as a betrayal. The feelings themselves are totally fine, but once you've moved towards discussing mutual romantic and sexual interest as an obvious prelude to a next step, you've crossed a line. And I've never done that with anyone I've been attracted to, because 1) it's playing with fire, and 2) it's disrespectful to my husband. If either the boyfriend or the wife came across these texts, I suspect it would cause some serious relationship strife, even though it hasn't gotten physical (yet).

And if the above sounds unbearably stifling, LW, then perhaps monogamy is just not for you. But if that's the case, you'll probably need both a new boyfriend and a new crush.

One point on non-monogamy. Having intense feelings for someone other than your primary partner is still an issue that needs to be navigated whether or not a couple is monogamous. Instead of having unfulfilled crushes or cheating, there is the pull of new relationship energy, which can also lead to obsession and hurt feelings. Judging how LOVE has acted towards a married friend, she might want to go slow with respect to transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy.

Before making any decisions, perhaps LW should watch the full run to date of the current incarnation of Poldark.

I'll take some issue with "stepping up his game". More varied interests may give one greater chance of compatibility with a wider range of people, but do not automatically make one superiour as a partner to someone with a more limited range.

@19 “Working out” doesn’t have to mean mortgage and dog or any other definition of domestic bliss. You can believe and tell each other that this friendship will always be important, that you’ll always make room in your lives for each other, that you can trust each other with your hearts. When that doesn’t happen it’s incredibly painful - in my case the friendship breakup hurt me more than the end of any traditional relationship ever has.

@27 This is hugely important and the part of open marriage that I struggle with.

It's possible that LOVE has realised she's ultimately not that compatible with her bf through coming to have feelings for her former workmate. Her ex-colleague, though, is in even more troubled waters. He's realised he's with the wrong person just as he's taken on a major and structuring life commitment (this is the best interpretation of his behavior; the worst is that he's jibbing at his marriage and finds the grass greener). For this reason, the ex-colleague is not the person for whom she should end her current relationship. The possibility exists that she mainly just represents a reminder of his youth and irresponsibility to him.

Certainly, she should put her wanting more, more varied and hotter sex in front of her bf. But he's not to blame if he can't rise to it. My feeling is that it would be good if she could decide what to do thinking only about sex, her needs, his needs--about no people beyond the two of them. The genuine question to ask, though, for me, remains 'does she love her current partner?'. It’s easier to talk about sex than love--in some contexts, especially writing to Dan Savage. But love is probably more important; and is the elephant in many rooms.

@25 I think your bar is too high. When you see someone and think, "they'd be nice to fuck" - assuming they have a pleasing personality and such. Like, I'm a pretty stereotypical guy, when I see an attractive woman I def... i'll just say, the sexual imagination gets going. But if they turn out to be a debby downer or that hot girl who shoots guns on instragram or whatever (guys let's be real she slaps) you wouldn't actually want that in real life. Basically the crush logic assumes the person is perfect on the inside and the only question is the outside.

Pete05 @31: That would have been such a highly relevant detail that it's a safe bet to conclude, from its omission, that it ain't the case.

been there, done that, suffered the consequences.

Some people have suggested that the Ten Commandments laid down by God (depending on your religion upbringing) are pretty generic things for societal good. One is NO ADULTERY. There is not a single good thing that can come from banging a married man, especially one with children. Best case is you bang a few times, his wife never knows, and you move on. That's maybe one out of ten. The other nine are horrendous, drama filled, and may ruin numerous lives.
Find another man. There are several million out there.

Best you close it down with the ex co worker, LW. Stop texting and stop seeing him. Tell him why you are doing this. That’s is not because you don’t fancy him it’s because he’s made a commitment to another woman with whom he has made babies he is now responsible for. And that as a sensible woman at heart, you don’t want to be a step mom just yet. Or cited in a divorce case which involves custody and settlement claims.

LW, re your bf, not sure on this. Once the crush/ fantasy hits the real world, different rules apply. That you have emotionally cheated on him already is not a good look, though yes I know the temptation. Then I got caught as a young woman in her twenties, and a naive one to the ways of men, and the feeling of
“ I’m bored with this family shit,” some married with children men have.
Like tim @ 35 says, lots of other men are out there, and enough hopefully who aren’t CPOS.

Great advice from Dan. Another math problem is cheating happens when HORNINESS+OPPORTUNITY. You can't keep creating opportunities when you know he makes you horny then claim "it just happened" when you cheat with this guy. That's like digging a hole in front of your door bigger and bigger then saying you just fell in. Have an honest conversation with your bf and ghost your crush. Do not respond to any of his messages and block him online. He will leave you alone faster and you will forget him faster too.

@Roseanne (25) I have often discussed with one of my co-workers the general state of attractive people. My co-worker thinks people are getting less attractive. Of course, it's not clear if my co-worker finds people less attractive or if m co-worker thinks people are less attractive (slight difference there). I think people are getting more attractive. I wish I could say the same for myself. :-) So, I have a broader openness to seeing people as attractive than some (?) or many (?) others. You have to make your own choices about how you act on your own crushes. Hopefully you're acting on the one a year. :-)

@9 re phones full of incriminating texts: the only fantasy in those texts could be fantasy football and I’d still be upset that with multiple young children, my partner was spending significant time with and on someone else, because little kids are a shedload of unending work and I want to have grown up fun time, too! The fact that it’s romantic/sexual with LW is worse but making time for her—no matter what he’s doing during that time—is taking time from his family. LW can’t make him be a good dad but she can stop being a reason he isn’t.

@32 and @39 - I promise I'm not being too picky :) It's pretty random who that one guy is. The last one was an objectively average middle-aged man who was married. I do always attempt to act on my rare crushes, but unfortunately, it hasn't worked out. The guy is inevitably already taken, or isn't attracted to me. (Or in one very annoying case, turned out to be already married and cheating on his wife. Not the guy I mentioned above.) However, I live in hope. I try to go out and meet new people, and do dip into Internet dating, in the hopes I might actually manage to find that miraculous one bloke that I fancy that is available and fancies me back. Sooooo jealous of people who are attracted to a lot of other people. I'd be married by now if I was like that. Strangely, all of this is not related to my sex drive - I aren't lowly sexed.

Harriet @30: "He's realised he's with the wrong person just as he's taken on a major and structuring life commitment (this is the best interpretation of his behavior; the worst is that he's jibbing at his marriage and finds the grass greener)."

Or he's a typical dude -- I should say a typical human being -- who's capable of sexual feelings toward more than one person. I don't think we can answer question #2 as a definite yes for Friend, ie, assume there is something wrong in his marriage. He could just be susceptible to temptation, as we all are to some extent.

Pete @31: Agree with Fubar. They are friends, friends talk about this stuff. If they've talked about being attracted to each other, I can't imagine he wouldn't have then mentioned his marriage was open if that were the case.

Sporty @32: I don't think it's a case of too-high bars, I think it's a case of defining "someone you want to have sex with" differently. Surfrat is discussing observing people who meet his physical standards; Roseanne is discussing feeling actual attraction, which she clarifies @41 has little to do with looks. Roseanne, you may be demisexual -- this is when you only feel sexual desire for someone if you feel an emotional connection with them. In other words, Surfrat, to many "that person looks nice" is not sufficient in itself to stoke desire.

Honey @38: Great analogy! I don't think she should ghost the friend -- I don't think anyone should ghost anyone, unless perhaps they don't feel safe, which isn't the case here. I'd follow Lava's script @36; friends owe each other kindness if nothing else.

Surfrat@39 ~ re: "people are getting less attractive"...
Case in point: Previous POTUS vs Current POTUS
Now, THAT'S a step down the evolutionary ladder!

I disagree with those whom say life/love is not a zero sum game. On its most basic level it can not be anything but a zero sum game. To misquote Napoleon and inject some levity, ask me for anything but thyme. To state the obvious, time is a limited commodity (i.e. there is no way to increase the number of days in a year, hours in a day, etc.) A person can only use it for something or someone else by taking it away from someone or something. The sad reality for LOVE is that her friend has obligations to people (a wife and children) who will suffer if he were to take time away from them to spend with her. If he is a decent person he will eventually begin to feel guilty about the time he spends with her at the expense of them, bitterness and resentment will follow whether it is directed at her, at them or at both is yet to be determined. This much I can guarantee LOVE, is that while his wife MAY understand and accept that he will spend less time with her, his children won't understand and will, as children are wont to do, blame themselves (and will resent him for it when they do understand the why) Best example is what happens when their parents divorce (when infidelity is the cause). Apologies for the generalizations, but you should only expect the most likely outcomes.

So much for a drama free life. Afterall, most people do aspire to minimize the drama in their lives.