I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of hours now. Coincidentally I happen to be in the midst of a problem myself and I'm not sure how to approach this. I'm a 28-year-old woman and I’ve been seeing this 26-year-old man for about three months now. Although I know this is extremely early and we have a long way to go in regards to sex and knowing what we like/are comfortable with, I've noticed that he isn’t enthusiastic about having sex with me. In my past experiences sex wasn't an issue in the early stages of a relationship. He has mentioned liking ass play before, which I am totally open to and would like to explore with him, and I've expressed this to him. Despite this he doesn’t seem open to it. This past weekend I spent a couple of days with him and we didn’t actually have sex at all. He was really emotionally effected by the fact that I was clearly effected by this fact and we had a conversation but he just couldn’t seem to come up with an explanation. I wrote it off as stress (he has been going through some stressful things lately) and I decided to wait this out and hope that it isn’t a permanent issue. Then today he left for work and I was left alone in his room and I know this isn’t good but I ended up finding his dildo that he uses on himself. I knew he had this and I’ve seen it before and I don’t have a problem with it. But I noticed it was very noticeably used a LOT. There was debris on it. That was kind of gross, of course, but I also couldn’t help but feel offended. So he is feeling sexual just not when it comes to having sex with me? I know masturbation is a unique and personal experience for people and I shouldn’t take it personally but I can’t wrap my head around him wanting to put this dick-shaped toy in his ass but not wanting to put his dick in me.

Do you have any insight about this?

Dude Likes Dildo Over Sex

DTMFA.

Not because this dude likes to ream his own ass out with a dildo now and then, DLDOS, but because this dude can't keep that dildo clean. And a dude who doesn't keep the dick-shaped toy he shoves in himself clean can't be trusted to keep the dick-shaped dick he's shoves in you clean.

But he's not shoving his dick in you, DLDOS, and he can't bring himself to communicate with effectively—or at all—about why he's not. Two more good reasons to DTMFA.

That said...

You found a dildo covered in debris—and thank you very much for that mental image—but unless that debris was damp, there's no way to know its vintage. That debris could be weeks or even years old. Regardless, DLDOS, I think it's highly unlikely that this dude excused himself while you two were watching TV, used that dildo on himself in another room, blew his load, and then casually tossed that debris-speckled dildo into his nightstand drawer (or wherever it was you found it) before rejoining you on the couch.

Which means it's possible the dude was down and/or stressed the weekend you visited and didn't engage in partnered sexual activity with you or solo sexual activity with his dildo. But let's set aside the dildo. (Hell, let's toss it aside and go wash our hands, shall we?) You've been seeing this dude for a few months and, unlike you're previous partners, he's not enthused about having sex with you—and his lack of enthusiasm is making you unhappy, your unhappiness is leading you snoop, and your snooping is causing you to handle dirty dildos. So... yeah...

DTMFA.