When I see these older entries I want to say: "Dan, how about you set up a Slog reunion, where you ask those who wrote in and received a reply years ago to recontact you with a follow-up? Maybe have 5-10-15 year groupings? We always wonder what happened...."

BTW - I lived in Hilo, Hawaii on the Big Island for a while and agree with your seat mate.


I get the sense these two live together.

In any case, the simplest way to get someone to lower their walls is to start with "I'm sorry". Also, end there - don't say "I'm sorry I did X" because then you'll be tempted to say WHY you did X, which will sound like an excuse and the walls will go right back up.

You've already humbled yourself - an important step - a simple apology may at least get you talking again. Generally speaking, I would not promise to be what your boyfriend needs (that will ring hollow and desperate), but I would promise to work on whatever issues bother you - with professionals. Maybe it will require sobriety (I also have a spidey sense of "did coke and sucked a random dick at a party and my partner caught me in the act" in this one here) or drastic reduction in mind alternating substances; or in whatever other activities that are otherwise normal but trigger your undesired habits (a toxic friend group?) while you work on your childhood issues and all the stuff that piled on top.

A blind dude climbed Mt. Everest - you can recover yourself and this relationship. Maybe it won't happen, probably it won't happen, but it's doable.


The best thing would have been to move on and not drag out the pain and drama.


I remember this column because I always thought it was funny that Dan started collecting advice from the guy sitting next to him, and I recall that dude enjoyed watersports.

Anyway, I wonder how things could be this bad yet Mr. Sad is still around, and SAD still thinks of him as her boyfriend. Unless, he is just waiting until their lease is up and he is no longer sharing her bed and isn’t speaking to her, there is always a chance something could be salvaged, but in my experience once you stop seeing someone with loving eyes, it is really hard to find your way back to having something special with them again.

Also, Manhattan is an island, but wouldn’t recommend Manhattan for SAD.


@4 I too wondered why Mr. Sad is still around. She's short on details—maybe he's on his way out, or there are financial issues, or he's just accepted his role as a punching bag?

I appreciate LWs brevity and I empathize with whatever happened to her in the past, but she doesn't mention whether or not she's actually working on her issues, only that she's willing to. Giving "110%" can't be followed by "whoopsy childhood issues not really my fault."


L-dub, even if there's a reason, you're still an asshole. Fix that and try again with someone else. Good luck!


I would totally read over your shoulder and not give two fucks about it. :D


Glad you don’t hand the letters over to randoms on planes anymore, Dan. That guy jumped to conclusions about the issues involved. No mention of any baggage involving Daddy. Could have been Mommy or Grandma issues.
I like your take Sportlandia@2, say you are sorry LW. That’s it. No elaborations.
Then say that you love him, and will work on your negative issues thru therapy. Would he give the two of you another chance.
Then back off, emotionally. Physically too, if that’s possible.
That’s all you can do. If he doesn’t love you enough to give you a chance, another chance?, then it’s time to move on.
Listening to good heartbreak songs help, along with the therapy still to do.


I was reading the guy sitting next to Dan’s part in a Brooklyn accent in my head. I was mildly disappointed to discover he was from Lubbock instead.


It is disingenuous and arrogant to assume that your precious prose on your laptop wouldn't be read by the person in the seat next to you - given that screens are hard to ignore.


Gotta love these little peeks into Dan's world.


Awww, I think it's sweet Dan is still mates with the bloke on the plane. And I feel sorry for the LW, and hope she's learned to own her shit in the last decade.


The seat mate's comment that "being on an island can really help you work through your shit" did not apply to me while living in Manhattan.

Your kilometers may vary.


SAD if you're just reading this check out the old column's comment section. I remember when this was first posted and there's some really good advice there.

I would say, if I hopped in my time machine to the past, that you're not learning the lesson you need to be learning. The question isn't 'how can I get my boyfriend to fuck me' the question is 'where can I find a good therapist to work out my shit'.

Time-traveling me would say you seem to think jumping into bed will fix everything and I get the feeling this is what lead to the problems in the first place. Stop trying to win back your ex and start working on yourself. You already lost one good relationship to your issues, don't lose another.


One of the things I like about Dan's column specifically is his willingness - nay, need - to fuck with the format every once in a while. My favorite was probably the time he had various other Dan Savages write reaponses for a few weeks while he was on vacation, but the random steanger advice is usually fun, too.

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