Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: They're really into each other, but there are issues (for starters, her boyfriend); some letters don't require a response (but she got one anyway); learning the lessons and moving on with confidence; and the sex was great but then they fell in love… And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
Regarding Never Mind, the woman who didn't need a response but got one anyway...
Get out, and get out now. And make it a clean and complete break. His verbal abuse could turn to physical abuse if you announce you're leaving. Take precautions and have a plan.
New definition: Cunt Punt—the immediate dumping of any guy that calls you a cunt. See also: Bitch Ditch.
Girl, I feel you. It's so easy to get attached to the good story of a relationship even when the reality of the relationship is staring you in the face. "He pined after me for six months! I never gave him the time of day until... I realized what I'd been looking for was right in front of me the whole time!" It's the stuff of sitcoms and rom-coms. "Will they/Won't they! They're "meant to be!" "It's been him all along!" It's really difficult, as a woman to resist this narrative and to see the warning signs through the movie tropes, as we've been trained/brainwashed/incepted our whole lives to crave this bullshit. So it's happened to all of us. Don't beat yourself up. Learn from this and move on. Absolute best of luck to you.
For Horny Guilty Girlfriend, the woman whose sex life tanked after her boyfriend caught feelings for her...
A lot of us straight dudes aren't great on picking up hints. Tell him what you want from him! Might help with the other problem too, honestly. Even if he doesn't feel attractive, being able to be rough and kinky like you enjoy could remind him that he's desirable.
Sex and love, not always the best combo, sadly.
— Rob (@TheWordsmith) April 19, 2019
To the Tech Savvy At Risk "Youth," Nancy, and Dan: I'm a long-time listener who used to read the column in the Chicago Reader. I felt compelled to write and compliment all of you after listening to Episode 647. By the end, I had an overwhelming feeling of how badass you all are. That episode was so fucking good. The questions were so well-chosen, the answers were so enlightening—and I mean they really made me feel lighter. It probably also did for straight men who are not always on the straight and narrow path and others in situations where they have to confront anti-abortion hypocrites. The episode, in its entirety, was just great stuff. Ok, get back to it! No egos inflated! You're doing important work. Keep your head in the game, and keep making podcasts that rise to that caliber. Hats off, friends.
And... what's this? More praise?!?
I have been a reader and listener for years and am happy to say I am flying into town for your live show in Seattle next month! Your advice has made my relationships and sex life immeasurably better. Thanks so much and I am looking forward to seeing you live on May 11! My partner says thank you as well! :)
You're welcome! And thank you for coming to Seattle for upcoming live show at the Egyptian Theater! (Full list of Savage Love Live shows here!)
Unlike most of your readers, I don’t know what acronym I fall under—I haven’t given it much thought. Let’s just say I have four planets in Scorpio and leave it at that. (All that scorpionic energy is probably why I love reading your column.) I’m writing to tell you that this week’s advice to SAAD and GRADS was SPOT ON. SAAD was a real a-hole of a guy and I’m glad you told him like it is. As far as GRADS situation: Been there. Done that. I very much agree he should say something but at the appropriate time. I did so 25 years ago with the person I’m still married to and respect deeply to this day. But it had to be the right time. I tortured over it for months (sweet, sweet torture) and it happened to turn out well. Well done, you! (Not that you need my validation…. but sometimes it feels good to hear nice things and not too many people take the time to say them these days)
Stahp! You guys! You're embarrassing me!
I just wanted to write and thank you for the good work you do, Dan. I was in what I now realize was an emotionally abusive relationship for years, and it was hearing the advice to DTMFA from you—the person whose advice I had been reading and wholeheartedly agreeing with for years—that finally pushed me over the edge to move on with my life. The world is full of shitty people, Dan, and I bet you hear from more than your fair share of them. Just thought I'd take a moment to write, in case you ever need reminding of how much the world needs (and appreciates!) your work.
P.S. Also, I'm a teacher, and credit Savage Love with giving me the tools to best support my LGBTQ students through many coming-out conversations—again, thank you!
And... um... this is getting embarrassing but almost all of the reader response emails this week were complimentary...
Thank you for your response to Feeling Empty and Really Sad: "If someone makes you feel bad, if you feel worse after spending time with them, that is reason enough to dump them. (And please note: someone who constantly tells you what a shitty girlfriend/boyfriend/enbyfriend you are is very likely projecting. If you were truly awful, they'd dump you. If they're always telling you how awful you are and they don't dump you? Yeah, they're awful.)" Your perfect logic has stilled the back and forth, yes and no, go or stay feelings in my heart. My youngest will be leaving for college in the fall. That will be my time. Thank you again.
Fuck you, you piece of shit, you faggot, you dumb fucking cocksucker AIDS spreading asshole plague fag rat. No one should listen to anything you have to say about anything. Die already.
Ah... that's more like it!
Pro-tip: if you're going to listen to back episodes of the Savage Lovecast... skip the opening rants:
So depressing listening to 2016 #lovecast episodes (circa 522) with @fakedansavage gloating about various Trump scandals, predicting the downfall and demise of the Republican Party, et al... 😪 still good advice Dan. But damn... what a different time.
— Erik Bleich (@theerikbleich) April 18, 2019
I don't have the heart to go back and listen to that episode again... but if I recall correctly I reacting to this story in the New York Times: "Fearing that his candidacy was on the verge of undermining the entire Republican ticket next month, a group of senators and House members withdrew support for him, with some demanding that he step aside. Mr. Trump, however, vowed to stay in the race." Sigh.
Inquiring minds want to know...
I've just recently started reading your column regularly. Some of the acronyms I can Google and figure out what they are but others, not so much. My suggestion to you is, why don't you publish a list of your acronyms? For what it's worth, the one I'm having a hard time with today is TT. Thank you, and if you're ever in Detroit I'd love to come and listen to you! (Do people ever use their real names?!?)
TT = "tit torture." BDSMers use it in reference to tit clamps and other forms of safe, sane, and consensual tit play not. It's not, you know, a reference to jumper cables or anything crazy. And people do send me emails under their own names but anonymity is the whole point of reaching out to an advice columnist!
SPLIFF premieres this weekend in Seattle and Portland! Tickets, show times, and more info at SPLIFF Film Fest.