I think, TPE is one of those areas where our imaginations can rush so far ahead of reality that it's easy to get lost like has happened to this LW and his relationship. One underrated element of this type of lifestyle: If you aren't outgoing, it's probably not for you! If you are someone who values your alone time - even within a healthy, committed, positive relationship - you will inevitably want some downtime at a moment when your partner wants your full undivided attention.


I'm also in "24/7" TPE relationship as the sub and have been for 8.5 years! 24/7 in quotes because let's be honest, no relationship can be 24/7. What we do is set aside a day a week where instead of Owner/pup we're just boyfriends.


A marriage is 24/7 even if the people work and have hobbies. And parenting is also a 24/7 gig, even when your kids are at school.

Similarly, my D/s relationship is 24/7 even though we spend most of our time indistinguishable from a vanilla couple.

We don't have an on-off switch, but more of a dimmer switch, so the dynamic can be turned up to 11 at a kinky party or dialed back to a 1 or 2 when one of us is ill.

For the LW, I would recommend a little patience. Your bf's behavior sounds like frenzy to me -- the excitement of first getting his fantasies fulfilled and thinking this is all he wants out of life. Since you had a good friendship at the start, I think it's likely that will come back as the frenzy fades, and you'll end up with a good balance.

If you can't wait, then bring up how you're feeling and offer some options: maybe a day a week, as PupCal suggests. Or different collars to indicate the kind of interaction you want even while he's always your slave.


I couldn't have related to this post when first published but I can now. Unfortunately, in my case no amount of "I want a relationship where we are equals outside of playtime" made a difference so I had to end things. I hope ARM had better luck than I did.


If he’s your slave LW, once he’s cooked the meal and done the washing up, order him to come sit by you on the couch, and be a regular boyfriend for the rest of the night.


I'm also in a 24/7 relationship. I think it's very important to have protocols, as well as limits written out. W/we keep ours on a google doc, so it is considered a living document. As a Domininat, it's your responsibility to structure the dynamic. Take your responsibility seriously


someDom_guy @6: That's the problem. Some of us do not want that responsibility. Some of us didn't ask for it; our play buddies unilaterally decided they were "owned by us" or something along those lines. We just wanted someone to hang out with and have kinky fun. Ironically, by making this decision the so-called slave has just put themself in charge of OUR life, by putting this responsibility on us. This is not fair. The clue is in ARM's sign-off, he is reluctant to play this role full time. Didn't know what he was letting himself in for. I hope this was a case of a slave-in-a-candy-store, and they talked, and they agreed that ARM can have some time off. These sorts of negotiations are a SHARED responsibility.


Nothing about Master/slave relationships preclude them being loving and romantic, whether there is equality at any time in the relationship or not. Nothing stops a master from saying now we are going to sit on the couch an cuddle while watching a movie. Or rewarding a slave by allowing them to make a choice of where to eat dinner. If that diminishes from the M/s dynamic the master can restrict the degree of freedom in the slave’s choice (e.g., wear one of your sundresses and not shorts).

I have met a number of littles who want to mix Dd/lg with M/s. Such a dynamic combines aspects of ownership with the loving, nurturing aspects of Dd/lg. For some people, crossing dynamics is violates some unwritten BDSM code, but I think one can successfully introduce concepts from one dynamic into another, for instance, being predominantly Dd/lg, except during sexual activities, when the dynamic transitions into more M/s. Perhaps people in ARM’s situation might be able to incorporate attributes from other dynamics into their relationship.

That said, when it comes to M/s, the reality is you have to want that degree of power exchange. You have to want to own your partner, and want the responsibility of making decisions for them.


@BiDanFan - agreed. @SublimeAfterglow, wrapped it up nicely too


I'm in a multi-year 24/7 relationship. Part of the key is working towards a structure that works for both people. There are so many variations: It's certainly possible for one person to be the ultimate decision-maker while daily decision making is shared. If M/s feels oppressive for the dom-type, then fiddle with the rules of the relationship.


Maybe the LW wants to quit the dynamic all together. He sounds unhappy, despite the hot hot sex.
Both people need to enthusiastically take on these roles, especially if they are played 24/7.
My guess is these two broke up. The LW wanted his companionship to be an equal one.


Admittedly I never implemented this in a 24/7 arrangement, yet Iove going in and out of a D/s relationship in a way that incorporates designated play time, and other “normal” activities while the hierarchy is still there yet not as pronounced. For me 24/7 could be too taxing, and I hear it from others on either side.

I still see a way to negotiate and agree on what works or doesn’t in this case. Such conversations are likely to achieve better results while discussed outside of play time when all involved are on equal terms, at least when it comes to listening and being heard.


I don't like the way LW made it fairly clear what he doesn't want to happen, and Mr Savage basically tried to spin that exact thing as a positive.


20 years ago a slave-master in Amsterdam who "owned" several men came to visit me for a week (we'd met online). He was a nice guy - sexy, smart and creative - and we had a fine time, in part because I wasn't at all interested in being controlled or taken care of. He enjoyed being a master at home, but said it was exhausting, too, and that it was a relief to have a week away where he didn't have to make all the decisions, clear up all the problems, and manage his slave's lives. He'd put them in charge of themselves while he was gone, which had not made them happy.

Up till then I hadn't considered how much work it is being a proper Master - I'm way too lazy to attempt it, myself.


Can't LW just emancipate his slave if it comes to it? Mr Savage invites the inference that LW is stuck with him, and really just switches around the designation of who's the "official" boyfriend, which doesn't sound like a magic bullet for what LW views as doom.

A boyfriend is indispensable to LW; a slave may be nice, but he can live without one, especially as he seems to prefer that the roles be filled by one person rather than two (or more).


@ 5 That is what I was shouting at this letter the whole time! I have no experience in D/s, but at first glance it would seem that as the dom one could simply order a lack of subservience from one’s slave if that is what one desires.

@ 15 I agree. Dan suggests that heterosexual couples DTMFA because of sexual incompatibility for much less than what LW describes here. Because he’s familiar with many couples who have solved this problem as he suggested, he ignored that LW does not sound interested in such an arrangement.

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

Add a comment

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.