@39. A skeptic and a cynic. Whether she marries this guy can't turn on whether she's appropriately 'grateful'--or not. She could be duly grateful, he could remain in her life and she could pursue relationships with (and marry and/or have kids with) other people. Her letter doesn't give us a full picture of what their relationship is like. Does he need her as much as she needs him? Are we talking about a strong partnership, albeit one where he is the one doing most of the supporting, or an unhealthy form of co-dependence? I'm not saying it's either--but there is enough in the letter to suggest that SHE is not able, right now, to say to him--a genuinely good person to whom she feels indebted--e.g. 'our relationship needs to evolve away from introversion, into something that is more like mutual encouragement and less like codependence'. Rather than having the mental autonomy to be able to put this to him, she is instead subconsciously finding a pretext to leave in the shape of the wickedly attractive guy.

As for whether I would have stuck with someone ... we don't know enough about the mechanics of their connection to know what it's like. E.g. who works? who cooks? Do they see her or his family more? Are their friends hers or his? I have stayed with someone who had problems of maladaption, to say the least, up to a point.... I spent my 20s vehemently anti-relationships for queer-political reasons.

@49. Bi. The expression 'elopement party' gave me pause too. It could be exactly as you interpret it--a quasi-wedding bash to which her family aren't invited. But she talks to her family all the time--maybe they would be invited to a wedding? An 'elopement' is something a couple do when they're getting together in defiance of social convention. This is something like the opposite.... He's inviting her into a marriage she may not be comfortable with, in every aspect, because he believes it would be best, and as a structure within which to undertake some utterly standard activities (co-habitation and parenting). He couldn't hang the sign over his head saying 'this way to Squaresville' any more if he tried. So whose idea is it that there's something edgy in their heading off on a symbolic honeymoon?

/break/
The two answers SHE seemed to anticipate from Dan were: 1) don't risk your health and support system; work on your relationship with your fiance. and 2) sex genuinely is important; see if you're sexually compatible with this hot guy. She doesn't seem to have foreseen the answer most of us have given (there have been some people who have given a variant of answer 1). This would be a big issue in itself to me. It would seem to me SHE needs to be able to raise difficulties with, challenge, even criticise, her long-term bf in order to improve her relationship with him. But is she in a headset where she can't?

@59. Sublime. I think it is selfish in context. She is dissatisfied in a very important area of her life--what are they doing about it together? You could quite well be right that he'd come to look back on their relationship--all fourteen years of it--as something he could easily drop, maybe as something toxic--and this would be a risk she'd have to take.... (In one sense, I would think it unlikely, in that I get the sense he needs her as much as the other way round). When she puts it on the table before him that she's sexually bored and unhappy, and this may only get worse with marriage and kids, what will he say? 'Well, let's call off the elopement shower--let's not get ahead of ourselves'? I think this has to be a minimum. He should say whether he's happy with the sex they have. Whether tenderness and gentleness in sex is a requisite for him--and he would leave the relationship if that wasn't forthcoming. Whether sex is important for him in the way it is for her. Whether he can't summon up the will for roughness, even roleplay being a more aggressive lover, because she's been so dependent on him. These are his questions to address as much as hers.

@71. Emma. You're saying, 'leave'. I'm saying both have to be clear about their expectations re the sex they want to have (in the context of the rest of their relationship). Let him say what he wants from their sex-life--if it's 'I can't dissociate my feelings of tenderness and compunction from someone I've nursed like a child ... can't be rough in bed with you', then she needs to hear that, and to take on board how their relationship will have to change if she's going to get more from him that way. At the moment she's not forcing this conversation because, being in his debt, she doesn't feel entitled to hold it so openly.

@72. Sublime. What your (and Fichu's) view misses is that the same process of growth that lets her address her anxiety will also help her have hotter sex.

And mental illness doesn't disqualify people from fulfilling sexual relationships. We don't want to be like Charcot tut-tutting at the maniacs masturbating.

Mizz Liz - You might enjoy Rumpole and the Show Folk, with our hero's ruminations both during and after a case in which he successfully defends an actress who'd murdered her husband about the similarities and differences between jury trials and theatrical presentations.

M?? Harriet - Why does LW "deserve" a top-tier sex life? It's not as if she's been able to provide one for anyone else. Even if one hopes she gets the sex she wants most as compensation for her suffering, that doesn't really constitute desert.

@108. venn. My thinking was that everyone deserved the sex life they wanted.

109-- Harriet-- Not if that sex life comes at the expense of someone else.

-There are men who want a sex life that includes a harem in which women can have sex only with him while he can have sex with many women.
-There are people who want a sex life that includes hurting people who don't want to be hurt, not just in fantasy, but in reality.
-There are people who really get off on raping people, again, not just fantasy rape, but real rape.
-There are people who want a sex life that costs more than they can afford.
-There are people who want a sex life with one particular person who doesn't want them back.
-There are people who want sex with children.
-There are people who want sex that's physically impossible.

I wouldn't say that any of these people deserve the sex life they want. I have no problem with helping people fantasize or play act or get close to their fantasies in ways that are safe for everyone else. I'm okay with not shaming them for desires they can't control. I'm all for helping them control acting on those desires in whatever way it takes.

SHE does not deserve her hot sex with Crush Guy. She does deserve sympathy and help making decisions that will be good for her over the long haul.

@110 Fichu, Harriet @108 initially said "[mental illness doesn't disqualify people from] fulfilling sexual relationships", not, "exactly the kind of sex they fantasize about". The scenarios you describe I don't think would be very fulfilling. In those scenario as long as the ppl hadn't been POS who had terribly mistreated others I would still say they at least deserved fulfilling sexual relationships, and most could probably get there with work.

And I don't think I've seen a single person say she should go with the crush guy. Everybody has framed her decision as time alone (maybe to date, but not with the dude she's been crushing on), working on her current relationship, or maybe something like moving out/learning what it's like to be independent while staying with her fiance.

Hey, this is LW. Thanks a lot to the folks who generously left thoughtful, constructive comments. It’s been helpful. And thanks to the folks who left mean comments—it was a good lesson in developing a thicker skin.

I think the main issue here is that I feel co-dependent on my fiancé, and I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet. I’m pretty positive that the co-dependency is playing into the sex dynamic. Sometimes he feels like so much of a parent to me that I start to feel like I can’t grow while inside the relationship. (I’m not saying that’s fair, but it’s a feeling I’ve had.) Basically, he provides warm, calming emotional support (hugs, listening) when my anxiety gets really bad. It really helps when he holds me and reminds that everything’s going to be okay. Because I don’t really trust that things will be okay. I know I have to learn to give that to myself.

Especially notable: he’s given me some financial support. I took time away from the workplace during my breakdown, and he has helped me out with rent. Which makes all of this even worse, because I truly do owe him. I could pay him back some of the money if we split up, but not all. And because I’m currently in a low-paying job (my career is suffering from my gap in employment), it would take me a very long time to pay him back in full. It’s bad—I know I am at fault here. I felt bad taking the money but I still took it, because the only other alternative I could imagine at the time was living with my abusive family. I made a bad choice, though. I have to find a way to at least partially pay him back if we split, because I would not be able to live with myself otherwise.

I’m abundantly aware that he’s been getting a raw deal. We’ve talked openly about my feelings that I’m co-dependent on him, and he has said he doesn’t care—he wants a life with me, problems and all. He thinks any relationship is going to have problems, and while he wants me to get stronger, he thinks what we have is worthwhile. Which is both moving and also (maybe unfairly) somehow troubling to me.

I think I’m going to just keep doing my best to build up my independence, have an honest talk with him about our sex life, and put some good work into it. I haven’t done much beyond initiating kinky stuff that he’s (kindly) refused.

The first nagging question for me is: will I always feel not self-actualized in this relationship? It might be fucking entitled to cling to these ideas about self-actualization, when I should just accept my brokenness and accept his generosity. The other nagging question: my sexual and romantic curiosity. Yes, I was with other people a long time ago, but I still can’t help but wonder sometimes what else is out there. But maybe these fantasies of being more satisfied with other people stem from a fucking entitled sense of resentment I occasionally feel towards him, when really I just need to grow up.

I know I’m making mistakes right now. And that I need to get into therapy again. Also thanks for the reminder that my family sucks—I needed that. They constantly gaslight me, and I still have a lot of work to do to trust my emotions. If anyone is feeling generous, I’d be grateful for some thoughts on how to do a better job of owning my shit and taking responsibility, moving forward.

-SHE

I should also note that there’s more to the raw deal for him: sometimes my anxiety prevents us from eating together, or going out, or having friends over. It’s not that we never do those things, but we don’t do them enough. It’s getting much better, but I’m still not 100% over an eating disorder (that’s the main anxiety trouble). There have also been many times in the past that he’s wanted sex and I haven’t been able to reciprocate. I know all this has gotten in the way of our bond and our sex life.

I initiate sex a lot more now and am more enthusiastic. But (and I know this is judgmental): I’m a pretty physical person and he’s sorta out of touch with his body, so sometimes even when he’s trying things sexually, he can have a hard time making them happen. So I do sometimes fantasize about being with someone more physically...capable. And then I’m fucking disgusted with myself, because obviously no relationship is going to be perfect. And like I said, he’s awesome in practically every way.

I also can’t tell if an entitled sense of resentment is keeping me withholding from getting fully better while with him (and maybe I’d get better faster if I struck out on my own). I do find it a lot easier to be normal and healthy when I’m traveling, or around other people. So I wonder sometimes. Either side of that coin is super shitty for him, though.

I need to stop rambling online, so while I’d still be grateful for advice, I don’t think I’ll comment anymore. I obviously need to go to therapy to address all of this in full—SLOG comments aren’t going to fix it all, ha :) Thanks again.

@87, Philosophy School Dropout - Oh, no, I'm guessing you'd see me as a broken person. I have, until comparatively recently, suffered from what I call a very serious bout of depression (the eggheads who worked in the psych ward said it was a moderate depression - they still kept me there for a month). which did last the best part of a decade. It was also likely my third bout of depression, although the misery of my early-to-mid teenage years has no formal diagnosis. The two year bout i suffered in my early 20s was clinically diagnosed, although I followed a treatment plan of my own devising - I ran away to Asia to find myself. And then the ten year blues from 2007. And as soon as I started to feel better, I knew that one day, I would have to dump the beautiful man who loved me despite my problems, because I was absolutely holding out for the sex I want to have - a ;passionate, exciting, sexually connected and committed relationship that would last for longer than a hookup.

So yeah, I'm under no illusion that mine is a temporary bout, and, yeah, you are right, it probably will be something SHE struggles with for her whole life. I strongly reject the characterisation of a mood disorder as being 'core' to anyone. Also, there are no broken people, just a broken system that only recognises value in a life of cheerful, productive servitude to our corporate overlords and those unable to alter the assumptions and expectations and conform are labelled 'losers' and 'leaners', 'wrecks' if you will, to be avoided by all right-minded citizens if possible, and certainly never deserving of whatever crumbs of love you might care to throw our way.

Until I started this post, I was actually thinking SHE could be trusting, open up and give Mr. SHE the chance to pick up his game as so many responses have suggested. But now I'm thinking I was totally right to toss over my ex so that I can experience happiness while I am capable of feeling happiness. In fact, I would say I am entitled to enjoy my sexuality to its full capacity for pleasure now, when I can actually enjoy it. With the caveats that a) SHE consider the very sensible advice to talk to her fiancee and see if the spark can be revived and b) she give very careful consideration, with professional input, to how she will look after herself if she doesn't have Mr SHE to do it for her, I reckon SHE totally deserves the same.

Hey SHE. Don’t jump the gun yet re leaving, have a good strong and clear talk with your partner. About the sex and also that you don’t want to be feeling like a child with him, that having children with this dynamic between you would make it worse. Then you insist, yes insist, that both of you attend some couples counseling to try and shift things between you. After so long, it will take effort on both your parts to change these entrenched ways between you. Find books on relationships, read how others have dealt with obstacles.
The money you owe him you need to also address, and find a way to repay him a bit at a time. Do this now, start paying him back, not just if and when you break up.
Being independent means managing your own stuff, your anxiety and depression. There are meds and therapy and also meditation. If you can master the thoughts running round your head, you can have some control over your feelings.
When anxiety hit, breathe, big deep breaths. Focus as the air goes in thru your nose and out thru your mouth. Put your mind to your breath. Find support groups in your area, that will help strengthen you.
You are still young, and change can occur in our life patterns if we work at it. It’s not painless however and if you do breakup, you need to find the courage to deal with your feelings etc without your partner there. Nobody telling you it will be alright. That’s what you have to tell yourself.
Relationships by the nature of them can become co dependent in many ways. The person being there has become a habit, and even with difficulties, it’s comforting to have that energy and concern from another. Giving it to yourself takes some practice.
Don’t let your partner fob you off when you have the talk. Make sure he hears and understands what you are meaning. Don’t pepper the talk with apologies, and don’t mention the man you fancy. This will not help your partner see what the problem is, and he doesn’t need the hurt and you would never cheat on him, right?
See what he says when he’s forced to hear and integrate your truth. Once you come out forcefully with how you feel, it may stir truths in him he’s been hiding. Have this talk and book some sessions with a therapist.
Make a commitment to yourself that all talk of marriage/ babies is off the table until these areas, the sex and the co dependence, have changed.

Yeah Pan Sapien. Good comment.

LWSHE - good to hear back from you. Firstly, can I suggest that, in matters of the heart, you take the advice Friar Laurence gave Romeo before his marriage - "wisely and slow, they stumble who run fast". You don't actually have to work all this out and finish your recovery right now (or, at least, my anxiety would be telling me I needed to solve all my problems sooner than soon.) You will eventually be able to trust your thoughts and feelings again, although it takes time. (I've realised in just the last two months that I'm allowed to be angry). And, yeah, learning to take care of yourself is the best investment you can make in your mental health, but remember, just because we can't fake happiness turning up to some minimum wage bullshit job to make money for some soulless chump who tells us we'd probably do a lot better if we had a more positive attitude, that doesn't mean we are failures or less valuable human beings. Finally, if you are not dead set on having kids (and the planet will thank you if you don't), I can strongly recommend running away to Asia for a few years to find yourself. I don't think it really solved many of my problems, but it gave me a lot of good feelings when I needed them. Good luck on your recovery, take care of yourself.

Finally, cockyballsup, @108 - most people don't have depression or anxiety - what you're thinking of is feeling depressed or anxious. Depression and anxiety only become things you have when you can't quickly process and deal with these feelings in the way you would you normally would with bad moods. It's a bit like saying because everyone has acne, the Black Death is no big deal. After all, they're both caused by bacteria.

@1066 Cockyballsup. My apologies, Mr. Veniminn

I think I dozed off halfway through that letter. Look, she said he started to become a lot more outgoing. As others have said, tell him you want kinkier sex. See if he responds. If not, leave or cheat. If he gets kinkier then you've got your warm fuzzy and your down and dirty covered.

LW, I guess the grass is always greener (always seems greener), but you really can't ignore that kind of lust. NOT in the sense that you should just give in to what it says on its face with flashing neon lights, just that it's obviously telling you that you're not sexually fulfilled, and also that you need a broader perspective and deeper self knowledge to evaluate and cope with these types of feelings and situations. (You seem to be aware of this, at least implicitly.)

I have found that sexual experience has taught me as much about how to be content as periods of NO sexual experience. When I have moments of doubt about committing to my fiancee, it makes it easier to remember the grass isn't always so green. In fact, sometimes it's a scorched-earth barren wasteland just past the fence. Not sure I could convince myself to be content without experience of various other things (and nothing).

Whatever yours ends up being, more of it always helps. There's nothing to experience but experience itself.

I would hope that working on sex with the fiance could lead her/them to a better place, where she feels less like the sex is totally lackluster, though it will likely never be perfect. On the other side of things, I think it's important to remember that there is always going to be something you'll wonder about: what's it like with someone whose body is different in X way, or whose style is Y instead, or what about someone who would/could do Z to you, and so on, and so forth. It's a rabbit hole and you could always find some other permutation to chase. At some point—and LW seems far from that point—you need to recognize when it's just FOMO or curiosity, and let go of it, or use it as fantasy fodder and move on. Recognizing that can only come as you gain experience in life and build confidence in your perceptions. Especially if you have a mood disorder acting as a perceptual distortion field.

But while I think the current beau deserves a chance to work on the sex to see if it can be made workable, I think what you absolutely mustn't do is stay with someone because it seems like you should. If you don't sincerely want it, you aren't doing your partner any favors by pretending otherwise, and that's a recipe for later resentment at being stifled.

I foresee some hard, painful conversations ahead. But beyond that, there's hope for self-discovery and a sense of self-confidence. Any path that takes you away from that is the wrong path. (I suspect that's the same path as the one to a more fulfilling sex life, in or out of the current relationship.)

Note to Emma: Hi! I lurk a lot, but after this thread, I thought it was a good time to say you're one of my favorite commenters. I always find your comments well thought out and lucid, and definitely insightful, and I pretty much always recognize them before I see your name, which I guess means I've read a lot of your comments, or you have a distinctive style, or both. So thanks for your comments! (I'm with you in terms of this LW not looking super pathological to me.)

@Lava, I am not always into your advice, but I think you're pretty well on the money here! Just wanted to acknowledge. :)

Ah thanks hexalm. Yes, I get that my words aren’t for everyone, what can I say. Different perspectives make it interesting.
SHE, I jumped back on to say, I know sex can be given some boosters, and this man of yours does sound pretty damn special.
My marriage sex wise always crackled, though my husband was awlful in other ways. After thirty yrs and children, it ended nine yrs ago and I’m still processing how cruelly he has behaved since. Like I ask myself, what was I thinking?
Watch some porno videos tog. Talk dirty to each other. Shake up the behaviours you are stuck in sexually with this man, and see how he responds.
He has assumed caretaker role with you, only you know for how many of these yrs you’ve been together. Now you’re feeling stronger: his care and your self care have worked. You can both shift around a bit, loosen up and change behaviours that were generated by your unwellness.
This good man really really loves you. Don’t throw that away unless you’ve both tried to re arrange the sexual energies. Play with him. Flirt with him.
I’m hoping you two can sort this. Other men attracting you doesn’t mean you don’t love your guy. We are human, we get attracted to others. Especially others we know f all about. It’s Fantasy.
Phase the crush out of your life, it isn’t about him. Good luck.

I know I said I wasn't going to comment again, but:
@LavaGirl
@EmmaLiz
@hexalm
@PanSapien
and others—
thanks so much for taking so much time to volunteer such thoughtful, compassionate advice. It means a lot. LavaGirl, I think you're right that I need to insist on therapy with my partner. I've brought up couples therapy (and also individual therapy for him) in the past. He was adamant that he did not want or need individual therapy, and I tried to make the argument that it's been a lot for him to support me, and he could use support for that, but he said trust me, he'd rather not. He also wasn't excited about couples therapy, but said that he'd be down to, if it was really important to me. So I think if I bring it up with more urgency, he'll be receptive.
A couple weeks ago I told him that I was worried about us eloping because I think we should both feel totally fulfilled and happy with where we are NOW before we decide to get married, and I know that neither of us is. He agreed that neither of us is, but he said he's ready to make that commitment now because he knows he loves me and he's willing to keep working on the relationship, and he doesn't need it to be "perfect" before he's ready to make that kind of commitment. He also really, really wants to start working on having kids. At the time I found what he said to be compelling, but what you say here: "Make a commitment to yourself that all talk of marriage/ babies is off the table until these areas, the sex and the co dependence, have changed" now seems like a sounder idea.

Also @Harriet_by_the_bulrushes thank you, your thoughts have been really helpful!

Tim @85, you think telling one's girlfriend one wants to be "dicked down" and showing her some pegging porn wouldn't be effective? ;-)
Honestly, I would have no idea what "I want to be dicked down" means. Guess it's good I'm not a straight man.

Helenka @89: I did notice that she seems incapable of making decisions on her own. Every choice she's made has been because her therapist advised her to, her partner advised her to, her family advised her to, her friends advised her to. And now she is writing to Dan. That's one reason I suggested she spend some time on her own, learning to make her own decisions. I also agree with you and EmmaLiz it's telling that she has so many positive things to say about this man but does not say she loves him.

Cocky @92: This woman says she enjoys the vanilla, cuddly sex, so she would not present the situation you refer to.

Tim @93: Piss off. A gay man should know, sexual orientation is about whom one desires. Just because one commits to a monogamous relationship does not mean one is no longer bisexual. Do you stop being gay if you are having a dry spell? There is no evidence that she never slept with a woman in her youth, and even if she hadn't, she knows her own mind far better than some monosexual on a comments board. She's had frequent crushes over the years; if some have been on men and some on women, she's bisexual.

Cocky @95: He wants kids too.

Harriet @99: No, if you were a monogamous straight man and your partner said she was not satisfied with your sex life, you would NOT "encourage her to try other people." This is not how the straight, monogamous male mind works. (I could just say, it is not how the monogamous mind works, but there is additional gendered baggage when it's a male/female relationship.) Also, crushes don't have to be "manufactured" -- they often hit whether you want them to or not!

LWSHE @113, welcome. Your comment illustrates one problem with capitalism: I'm assuming you're in America. Here in Europe there would be financial support for people like you who can't work due to mental health issues (though the current UK government is doing its best to erode that), so really it's the government who have kept you in this relationship whether you wanted to be or not. Political commentary over. The fact that your fiancé has "kindly" refused any kink play -- I am assuming you are asking him to do stuff to you, not the other way round -- is a bad sign. I know you said he is opposed to an open relationship, but would he let you get your kink needs (no sex) met elsewhere?
Don't beat yourself up about wondering what else is out there, sexually. Just about EVERYBODY does this.
I note you are still deferring responsibility for your decisions -- this time to us, unqualified strangers on a message board! This seems to be your biggest problem, to me. One approach might be to make a decision each day without asking for anyone else's input -- something small like what to wear or eat for breakfast, then building up to life decisions.
Can you answer the question: Do you love him?
You can accept your brokenness, you can accept that he is a kind and generous person who will always be there for you (whether you want him to be or not, which is a red flag), and still end the relationship if you do not feel it is right for you. You are not obligated to stay because he helped you financially or because he wants you to. Good luck, SHE.

LWSHE @125: Funnily enough, before you wrote in I was on the side of stay and try to make things work, but after your additional comments, I'm coming down on the side of "he sounds rigid and controlling -- run!" Does he love you or does he just have a vested interest in keeping you around because he's convinced you that you owe him, and that you need him? Lava is dead right -- don't progress the relationship until these problems are ironed out. Couples counselling now!

@110. Fichu. I have a very different vision of sex, in gross terms, than you.

I think the sexual instinct is civilising, in that in most cases a person becomes better, takes a wider interest in things beyond him- or herself, in order to get sex. A guy does more than play PlayStation or watch the football on the sofa with a warm beer. A woman does more than read celebrity magazines.

In a lot of the cases you describe where the type of sex would be impossible because humanly unconscionable, the urge is transmuted into kink and 'perversion'. The straight man who wants many partners swings or is in an open relationship. Of course, if he wants to do it ethically, it should be that--and he shouldn't fetter his wife or gf.

Yes SHE, please don’t complicate this all with pregnancy and a baby. You still have time, don’t panic.
That’s where you will really get his attention, saying you’re putting the brakes on marriage/ babies, because you want more with him, sexually. That since you have gained inner strength, it is feeling more and more important to you, to voice your feelings that the sex between you is not erotic enough. Eroticism is an important part of sex, it’s what keeps it bubbling along, over time. Read the article/ whatever, which was suggested earlier. Do some reading into dynamics of couples.
Don’t let this man talk for you. If you need to go off for a bit, alone, to feel what you feel about any issue.. do that. Solitude is a good way to contact your feelings, your ideas etc.
No babies till you have checked what that process entails, more reading. And he does too. It’s not some fix up, making a baby. Don’t let him use it as such.
Be brave and be bold and most of all trust how you feel and think. This is your life you are running.

@113. LWSHE. Thank you for writing in and reading the comments.

Co-dependence is 'co-'dependence--if you're codependent on him, he's co-dependent on you. How can you together take steps for you to be more emotionally independent? This isn't about your staying together romantically, or even about your moving out. You say yourself you want to learn to stand on your own two feet.

You can't let your sense of financial obligation dictate your future. If there's a break, and maybe anyway, pay back what you can and set up a payment plan. Consider a bank loan if your partner looks like he'll raise difficulties or no longer be part of your life for any reason.

Talk about your sexual dissatisfaction, making clear it's a big deal (maybe as big as your anxiety)--but that he's not to blame for it. Don't initiate kink in the absence of this conversation--he won't know what it means or symbolizes, and can be forgiven for being puzzled or turned off by it. Don't accept 'any relationship has problems'. Your line has to be that this is so major a problem that it risks scuppering the marriage.

Trust your feelings/ thoughts SHE and also think thru consequences of same. Having autonomy means maybe copping mistakes, if we act rashly. Being one’s own boss means there’s no one else to blame when things go south.
Also you mentioned adventure. That’s another idea, plan an exciting trip together.

Being present in your body isn't simply a matter of 'capability' or e.g. physical co-ordination. A potter would be present in their body without necessarily being great at catching a football. I have the sense that SHE is saying, tentatively and aiming to avoid hurt, that she isn't (always) attracted to her fiancé. Like everything else, this will get better (if it's going to get better) when she can stand independently of him.

Of course SHE needs to be in touch with a clinician and therapist for her eating disorder and other problems.

Thank you also LWSHE for your acknowledgment! Good luck with everything!

M?? Harriet - Ah; I'd say everyone deserves the right to pursue a top-tier sex life, though deserving to have one requires the manifestation of certain merit. You must have an interesting point of view about the silver casket.

I didn't offer an opinion before because the various multitudes seemed to have it covered, and because I couldn't get a good read on it.

After SHE wrote in to the comments, however, I'll offer two opinions:
-- Leave this man. Underneath your rationalizations and your genuine gratefulness, you are unhappy. And that's all it takes to leave someone. Don't wait until you are married. I feel lucky to be with my man. I don't feel like I should feel lucky. To me your comments/letter sound very much like a lot of acknowledgment that you think you should feel happy/lucky/whatever. But that's very different than feeling that way. It doesn't make him a bad person (or you). Just go.
-- Don't have kids. I don't mean because you aren't a good enough person to or some crap like that, but kids really do trap you, and it sounds to me like you need/want to be trap-free in order to find what sort of person you really are and want to be, and that's going to take longer than your biological window. And that's okay. There are a gazillion wonderful fulfilling routes to take in life that don't involve kids. Try one of those.

I'm really glad you wrote in SHE, good luck with everything. Don't forget that adoption and freezing your eggs are also options for having children. A lot of women rush into parenthood and this causes problems. Please don't accept any life situation that makes you feel broken or that delays your progress with your eating disorder and other issues. Self actualization is 100% the thing you need to pursue. I've never been in a long term relationship so I can't relate to that part of your story but I'm in the process of overcoming anxiety and depression and I'm well aware how much of a trap codependency can be. I'm not saying you have to split with your partner, since obviously plenty of people can be independent and whole people while also in a relationship, but being your own person and forming your own identity is absolutely essential to mental health.

I want to point out there seems to be a real gender divide in the comments here. A lot of male commenters see the LW as unreliable and an energy vampire who is a drain on her boyfriend. And of course when one person in a relationship needs help they do suck up energy from others. This is unfortunate but at the same time we all need and deserve help at times in our lives.

@127. Bi. I don't know how the straight, monogamous mind works. I've been accused of trying to be all things to all people on here--but I don't think I could embody a straight man if I tried. If I were in the situation of LWSHE's bf, I would want her to be sexually happier--whether I was the one responsible for it or not.

Some of the things he's said suggest there's a lot for them to get to grips with: that 'a break means a break-up'; that 'no matter how bad things are for her, he wants to be with her' (like--does he need things to be bad?); that 'every relationship has its troubles'. But it would be very surprising, in fact, if her getting better and coming to be less dependent on him didn't threaten how he's been living for the past 14 years. Change is going to be scary to them both. It's also natural and forgivable for him to form an idea something like, 'I looked after you when you were ill; and the moment you're better, you turn round and say I'm not good, I'm not exciting, enough'. No one could blame him for having that thought. But ... it's about how they move forward together stronger, right? Any change is going to be scary. They can imagine what being happier, together and individually, will be like, and presumably they both want that.

I wouldn't want to say either 'stick with him; he's your best option given your medical history' or 'leave him--you may come to see him as your sheet anchor'. But certainly have the talk and don't be embarrassed about your sexual needs.

I'd think there's a reason for why she's having this crush now (partly it will be the straightforward one of her libido having reawakened after depression).

@136. venn. The guy who chooses it is tone-deaf: 'get as much as he deserves'. The tone would be the same now--i.e. 'you deserve sweet f-a'. There is a fake humility, I guess, in some people wanting 'just' a marriage and kids, a little house in the country, two holidays a year, one trip to Vegas and one to Cancun. I find that all a bit scary.

I'd think wanting to live your best life truly white-knuckle scary and demanding--because you're asking for something that's only you-sized, that has no previous examples or social imprimatur.

M?? Harriet - "Best" is a Humpty Dumpty word.

The far more interesting examination of desert came from the gold-selecting Prince of Morocco, which is rather entertaining, but I always thought the lead casket rather bungled.

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful, helpful responses, including you @TheLastComment and @ciods!

@cockyballsup, I should preface my advice by saying that I’m not sure my opinion that my fiancé “babies” me is merited—he may have done nothing wrong, and it may be my own issues and resentment that are creating those feelings unfairly. So my perspective might not be helpful to you.
That said, here are some thoughts: be clear about what is and isn’t in your partner’s control. If your partner constantly doesn’t follow through on promises because of mental health issues, insist on going to therapy together to help you figure out healthy boundaries in your system of support. And consider therapy for yourself alone, to help you navigate supporting your partner. I wish my partner had been open to therapy for himself to help him clarify what his boundaries were around helping me, partly for his own health and happiness, and partly so I wouldn’t constantly be worrying about taking advantage of him and feeling like a piece of shit user—a therapist can clarify what’s appropriate or not. I’d also say, tend toward acting like your partner is healthy and normal all the time—if you tiptoe around them and treat them like they’re broken all the time, they might come to believe that they’re broken and possibly start to resent you. Keep sexy, non-caretaker-ish aspects of your personality and dynamic with your partner alive—tease them, be playful. Always share your emotions and never pre-emptively withhold your emotions because you think your partner isn’t stable enough to handle them. If you suspect you’re being taken advantage of, don’t hesitate to consult your support system and/or a therapist and stand up for yourself.
I hope that helps! :) Wishing you best of luck.

Lots of different opinions here SHE, you are the only one who can make decisions for your life. Not your partner, family, Dan or any of us because you are the one who will live with how those decisions play out. Take care and regards.

Oh also @cockyballsup, make sure you genuinely are enjoying your partner and learning from them, and acknowledge that you enjoy them and are learning from them. I often feel like my partner already has everything figured out and isn’t really learning anything from me, or if he is, he’s very reserved and almost academic in the way he acknowledges it, and I crave more of an immediate visceral emotional connection in feeling wanted, valued and seen. The biggest turn-on I get from this crush guy is that he’s like “whoa I never considered things that way, it’s so nice to get your perspective.”

@LavaGirl, you have been so giving throughout this conversation, thank you!

SHE, from watching this dynamic from the "caregiver" side I'd ask if you can broaden your close people -- people you can get hugs and rationality from in anxiety, and people who hear you and are moved by what you're saying.

If you've got those people and your partner isn't one, think about bringing him in, because I'm no wizard but I've never yet seen it work where you get that connection elsewhere.

If you don't have those people in your life, 1) if you can find that connection it's intensely worthwhile, and 2) the response from your partner tells you a lot. If he is elated and tries to hide his relief, good chance you can work with him. If in any way he resists, even with good intentions, lower your expectations I'm afraid.

Not saying this is a full fit, but see if there's relevance in this type of caregiver situation:
https://captainawkward.com/2017/06/08/975-i-want-to-break-up-with-my-boyfriend-but-im-afraid-of-triggering-his-depression/

Harriet @141: The clue is in the name. Monogamous. That means a worldview where committed partners don't have -- don't even want to have -- sex with other people. A monogamous person would not suggest solving a relationship problem by (their partner) having sex with other people. That's like expecting a vegan suffering from iron deficiency to suggest eating a steak. And straight men in particular have been socialised that one's masculinity is called into question if one's "woman" wants to have sex with others. That's where the cuckolding kink comes from. For Mr SHE to suggest "why don't you go have sex with other men" would amount, in his mind, to admitting he was a failure as a lover, as a man. Would never happen. (Not saying that's a healthy view, it just is what it is.)

LWSHE: You still haven't answered the question. Do you love him?

Thanks also for your helpful comments @BiDanFan! I do love him. I want to protect him. I want him to be happy. My heart gets huge and warm and fuzzy around him often. I think he’s sweet and he cares a lot. I’m touched by how he cares. I feel joyful when he feels joyful, and happy when I can give him happiness or share in joy with him. I love his little cute attempts at being silly. I think of him as this beautiful, kind, special person. It feels, for lack of better terms, soft and sweet and...precious. If that is loving someone, then yes I do love him. I just get disturbed by how forceful my crushes can be, and it’s exhausting feeling like I can’t trust myself—like I’m a selfish, self-centered bitch and I have to shove down my feelings when I get those crushes. It’s happened over and over again for years, so it’s not new, it’s just that they have more sex drive behind them now. I don’t know if they mean something or if I just have out-of-control moods that I have to be cautious about my whole life. I haven't been diagnosed as bipolar but who knows, maybe I am. I wrote my original letter in a hurried, emotional, tearful state of exhaustion being like FUCK WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN. And I also wonder how you know if you love someone. I don’t even trust myself to fully know. Like, does loving someone have a different quality than what I feel about him? You’re right about me needing to work on trusting and standing by my decisions.

Thanks @Mtn.Beaver, good food for thought! He is an amazing support, the main part missing is that he is pretty reserved and emotionally contained. He will grab me and say he loves me, he delighted when I’m acting healthy, he’ll laugh sometimes at my jokes, or say in detached way “that’s interesting” at a perspective I share. So it’s not like he’s an emotional desert. Whether it’s fair or not, I keep craving more of a visceral emotional connection, like losing our shit laughing together or him being more visibly engaged in and affected by me. Right now it feels like I’m the silly gregarious child always poking at him and he’s the calm parent always laughing amusedly at me but never playing with me.

@LWSHE:

We all know that men have their "madonna/whore" complex, but there's a version of that for women too -- a LOT of women lose sexual interest in men who are really into them, because some part of their brain says that attractive men are supposed to be powerful and take-charge and a little bit dangerous, and quietly loses respect (or at least sexual attraction) for men who feel sincere and vulnerable and reliable and "safe".

You don't really describe your partner in very flattering terms: the way you tell it, he sounds like a stolid, doughy wimp with few redeeming features beyond what he's been able to do for you. I don't know -- none of us CAN know -- whether that's the reality of who he is, or negative projection on your part. But if I were him and read what you've written, I'd feel as though I were little more than an emotional support dog to you.

It could be that your description reflects the real him, but the feeling I get more than anything else is a lack of respect for him as a sexual being and that's what matters here. And if you view him that way partly BECAUSE he's been so good to you, this relationship is doomed, because no amount of sexual technique or experimentation will turn off the part of your brain that says "He's doing all the right things, but it's absurd that it's HIM doing them."

If you just don't want him anymore -- and if you know that you can't ever REALLY want him, not in the consensually-objectifying way we all deserve to be wanted by our partners -- then you need to let him go and, maybe, do some hard thinking about whether some part of your brain has devalued this guy specifically BECAUSE of the very support he gave you. (Maybe that part of your brain says "Anyone who loves me that much can't really be any good"; maybe that part of your brain is turned on by conventional gender roles, as some people are.)

And if that leaves you feeling permanently indebted and guilty to him...well, sometimes we hurt people in ways we can never make right, and we have to live with that for the rest of our lives. That's just reality.

Also, you say he prefers gentler lovemaking and isn't into "aggressive" stuff. But have you considered that it might not just be a philosophical thing, but also an issue of what feels good to him physically?

Lots of guys don't like to jackhammer because their penises go numb, and they stop feeling much except vague pressure. Lots of guys don't like to throw women around in bed or otherwise be physically forceful because it's less physically stimulating in the long run (and exhausting as well).

Contrary to the simplistic view of male sexuality that some people insist upon (insert coin, get ejaculation), men are pretty varied. Many men use their whole bodies for arousal, not just their penises, and turning things up to 11 can make it harder to stay erect. It could be that popping a Viagra makes him better able to do the things you want -- if things aren't so far gone that you find the thought of your "cuddly" partner doing them to be absurd, that is.

@YtterbyBeMine, I’ll think about what you said. I feel like he just doesn’t let me in. He doesn’t play back with me. I try to flirt with him, he doesn’t flirt back. I send him sexy or lovey texts, he says “thanks for the hearts.” I ask him what turns him on or if he has any kinks he’d like to explore and he says “Penis in vagina. I’m a simple man.” I ask him to touch me in certain places (TMI but armpits) and he thinks it’s weird and disgusting but occasionally will unenthusiastically do it because he knows I like it so much. He almost never teases me and mostly treats me like his sweet sister except when he wants to put his penis in my vagina. Do you have any suggestions for how I can better respect and encourage him as a sexual being?

I’ve also tried sexy dancing for him (including in a humorous way) but he gets embarrassed. Seriously I need some new ideas!!!

@157: Well, most of the things you're asking for sound pretty reasonable and basic. It could just be the way he is, or it could be that the ups and downs of the past 14 years have left him guarded in certain ways. No matter how resilient someone is, having a partner with anxiety and depression -- or any mental illness -- inevitably takes its toll on their ability to be free and easy and spontaneous, because part of you is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tough to get out of damage-control mode when you've been in it for over a decade.

A third possibility is that he feels ridiculous doing these things -- flirting, trading sexy texts, whatever. And I can't know whether that comes from something between the two of you -- some way in which he's been made to feel like he's been put in the "cuddly but not hot" box -- or whether, again, it's just the way he is.

So, DO you think he's hot? Do you like -- are you excited by -- his face, his body, his penis? If you don't now, did you at one time, or have you always been "meh" on his appearance and valued him mainly for the emotional support and stability he gave you? If the latter, well, it's probably time to move on...

(...unless you can convince him to open the relationship and have a Doña Flor and Her Two Husbands situation -- where you have a stable, reliable partner who's not especially sexually compelling, AND a partner (or a succession of partners) who's incredibly compelling in the bedroom but unreliable and erratic elsewhere. A lot of people throughout history have ended up in an arrangement like that, and there's a reason it's worked so well for so many people, but nowadays everyone has to consent to it, given the existence of widespread and potentially lethal STDs.)

And...I’m going off here but...when he withdraws from my silly sexy dancing, it’s not sweet like, “I kinda like this but feel a little embarrassed”—save for a couple times, he basically insists I stop, or just gives me an annoyed look and walks away. It’d be great if he laughed and got silly with me if it didn’t turn him on, but it often just seems to him like I’m being weird or immature.

Thanks Ytterby, that would make sense about him being guarded because of my anxiety and depression. To some extent I think it’s who he is, but having to deal with my anxiety can’t help. To answer your question, I find his face and body beautiful, but they don’t get me especially horny—although maybe this is natural after so much time together? When we first got together I thought he was dreamy in the way a teenage girl thought Nick from the Backstreet Boys was dreamy. Like stare into his beautiful eyes kind of way. When we were together before I had issues, our sex was sweet and felt good but I wouldn’t describe it as hot. I didn’t care though at the time because that wasn’t important to me. I think I’ve changed sexually since then—I get a lot more turned on by more stereotypical masculinity (muscles etc.) whereas I didn’t used to.
I’d feel horrible if he actually had this randy playful sexual spirit inside of him that I never gave him a chance to express because of all my anxiety issues that understandably led him to hold back. That said, whether it’s fair or not, I’m also getting impatient.

@161, if there was a real physical attraction at the outset (even if it was more aesthetic than sexual), there's WAY more hope than if you sort of drifted into a relationship with this guy because he was supportive and you just "need[ed] somebody to lean on", to quote Bill Withers.

Do you think that if he were to get completely jacked (muscular), it would be enough to tip the balance for you? It's kind of a weird thing to ask of someone, but if a guy knows that getting really fit would save his marriage (or marriage-to-be), he might rise to the challenge. Maybe it'd put him more in touch with his own body, too. If he's out of shape, he's probably embarrassed and ashamed about it, as most people are in the present era.

It's super-difficult to say what's inside him, because we all become different people depending on who we're with. He might transform into someone you didn't recognize if he went to bed with a high-end escort (for example), in an environment where he could ask for whatever he wanted without feeling ridiculous. He might surprise himself, even.

It might be that each of you is keeping the other from being that "randy playful sexual spirit" simply because you're so enmeshed in each other's business that you can only see each other in terms of your co-dependency and relationship needs. That's sort of why it's important to think your partner is hot (sexually compelling): to appreciate them for who they are as a physical being, not just what they do for you; to objectify them and feel a little bit of pride and excitement that you get to sleep with someone with THOSE eyes, THAT ass, THAT penis, or whatever. There has to be some lust in the equation, or else you just become roommates.

Also, don't judge his reaction too harshly when it comes to sexy dances. No matter how hot I think someone is, if they do a sexy dance for me, I'm probably going to be put off and creeped out. It's the kind of thing that, for a lot of people, is just a no-go in the context of an intimate relationship. I don't think I'd even like it in a casual sex setting, and in general I don't like being "performed for" (I wouldn't want a partner to ever sing TO me, for instance).

Haha about the sexy dances! I do them to be silly and see if I can get him to loosen up a little—it’s the loosening up that’s sexy to me. But I see what you mean, and that’s totally reasonable.
That’s good advice about leaning in to what attracted me to him in the first place. I do still think he’s got the dreamiest eyes for instance. :) I think I could do better at encouraging and satisfying his sexual desires too. Like for instance, just do whatever it is he wants me to do physically for a night.
He hates exercising and rarely does it, and when I’ve gently encouraged it in the past he got upset: he was like, that’s his business not mine. Also, he’s insisted he would love me no matter what I looked like, so he took my exercise encouragement as insinuation that I wanted him to get more muscular (which it partly was, but mostly I just thought it could be something we could bond over and that it would make him maybe more adventurous and have more fun in bed). And he was upset by that—he felt like it was shallow and like I was trying to change him. I don’t think he’s totally wrong.
Anyway, I’m sure I’ve bothered you plenty enough. I’ve appreciated your help, and will try to find ways to appreciate him more as a physical being. I figure a therapist could probably give me some good concrete ideas about how to work on that.

I've been following this thread with special interest, and I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm unsettled by the last few comments. Especially after LWSHE's clarifications.

I think LWSHE has been doing a good job of attempting to respect her partner and rationally address her urges, given the circumstances (mental health issues, toxic biologicals etc.). I should note that it's absolutely standard for mental health professionals to counsel patients with severe anxiety or eating disorders to stay with whatever support systems they have in place, and seeing as she has abusive biologicals, I can see why her therapist would have advised her to stay with her man.

Let's also not forget that she has hardly slept with anyone other than her partner, that she's been with him all through her 20s and early 30s, and she hasn't cheated on him, despite having repeated crushes on other people for what sounds like a decade! Some of you [men] have been more forgiving in SLOG of outright cheaters than of her.

It sounds like she's genuinely grateful and has had concern for her man throughout this process of him supporting her. And while he sounds like a good guy, he also sounds pretty complacent to me, and rather stifling. I don't blame her for having intense crushes, feeling some resentment, and struggling to sexualize her man.

LWSHE, don't listen to Ytterby. Don't feel guilty about "not respecting [Mr. SHE] as a sexual being" (although you may feel guilty anyway, because that's your style). It's your choice, but I think you should leave him. You have more growing to do, and he's been (possibly willfully) standing in your way. It may be hard for you to recognize.

Of course I don't know the whole situation, but this is the sense I'm getting. Does anyone else feel this way? EmmaLiz gave excellent advice, -- I'd be curious what she would advise after LWSHE's additional comments.

LWSHE @153: Yes, that sure sounds like love to me. But love does not mean that you won't or shouldn't ever feel attraction, even strong attraction, to anyone else. When you feel this, stop shaming yourself for it! No, you shouldn't act on these crushes when you have committed yourself monogamously. You are right about that. But it's also not helpful to your mental health to think of yourself as a "selfish bitch" for experiencing completely natural feelings. Few people are 100% monogamous by nature. Accept that these crushes make you human and not acting on them makes you a good person. I am guessing that they have a stronger sexual component now because you have unmet sexual needs in your relationship. I hope you can make some progress with him there.

LWSHE @154: One problem with monogamy is that we exclude all others and expect that one person to meet every one of our needs -- that sets them up to inevitably fail. Your fiancé is not playful. Could you find someone outside of the relationship to be playful with -- namely, friends? Do you have platonic friends who like to do silly things like sing karaoke or play mini golf? Monogamy may not allow for you to meet any of your -sexual- needs elsewhere, but other needs are fair game for including others.

LWSHE @157: Yawn! I see why you're frustrated! He doesn't even give you oral? Perhaps (if you haven't done so) you could focus on a "doesn't it turn you on to see ME turned on?" approach. I'm not into certain things for their own sake but I will do them for partners because I love the way -they- react, it's super hot. My deepest sympathies if he doesn't respond to flirting; this goes beyond vanilla to just plain boring! It may indeed take a sex therapist to open his eyes to the importance of these things, or encourage him to at least humour you.

LWSHE @161: I think it's natural both to feel fewer butterflies for a long-established partner and that your sexual desire is increasing in your mid-30s -- this is the classic time for female sexuality to peak. I think it's sad that he can't even recognise your sexy dances for what they are -- a way to try to connect with him sexually. It seems he just doesn't equate silly with sexy so unfortunately, they are not accomplishing what you hope they will. I'd ask what he DOES find sexy, but apparently he has that male ability to flip-the-switch and go from zero to ready to fuck with no preliminaries, and doesn't seem to recognise women are not like this. Not sure what rock he's been living under, but yes. Sex therapist to try to explain it to him.

Another thought I just had is perhaps he's reluctant to do anything for you sexually because he does so much for you out of bed? That foreplay (I include seduction in this category) is just another ask. But yeah. Sadly, lots of dudes are like this and it's hard to train them out of it. Good luck.

@164: "LWSHE, don't listen to Ytterby. Don't feel guilty about "not respecting [Mr. SHE] as a sexual being" (although you may feel guilty anyway, because that's your style)."

I'm not sure what your problem is with my posts, but for the record I don't think it's productive for LWSHE to "feel guilty about not respecting [Mr. SHE] as a sexual being". That's not the frame I'd put around this situation at all. I'm merely responding to the way she writes about him -- which, until her last few posts, used words you'd use for a dog or a stuffed animal, not a person -- and saying if you view someone this way, whether for good reasons or for bad, you probably shouldn't be with them romantically. When you assess the situation on that basis, guilt doesn't enter into it.

Actually, I think I do know what your problem is: that I didn't actively take LWSHE's side -- that I didn't tell her "The fault is his, you're fine just the way you are, go forth on your journey of feminine self-actualization".

But none of us know these things. LWSHE makes her partner sound unappealing, but we shouldn't take that at face value any more than we'd take at face value a husband writing in about how bored he'd become with his wife (as if a LW like that would get ANY sympathy, or even the benefit of the doubt, from the regulars here).

We don't really know anything about him, but only how SHE feels about him, as expressed through her writing. And the way she wrote about him -- in her letters and initial replies -- isn't the way that ANYBODY deserves to be viewed by their partner. That's not an incitement to guilt or an assignment of blame, it's a recognition that you shouldn't be with someone if you don't see them as sexually attractive, because it's not good for either of you.

@BiDanFan—thank you, that’s great advice! I’ve been knocked sideways with excitement over crush guy’s playfulness; it feels like it throws the rationality out of my head, but you’ve given me some good approaches for coping productively with that. :) You’ve been so generous and thoughtful—I appreciate it!

@Foozer and @Ytterby—your back-and-forth has been helpful to me, thanks! I won’t lie—whether merited or not, it’s a bit comforting to hear some nice words about my actions, since I’ve felt pretty shitty about myself for a long time. AND also (not mutually exclusive), I agree with Ytterby’s emphasis on the importance of seeing/honoring my partner as sexual being. It would sure help if I focused more on that, at least before any thoughts of leaving. (Even though I sometimes get the impatient impulse to just leave.) I also agree that EmmaLiz was an amazing advocate who gave some really wonderful advice—thanks EmmaLiz!

@167, I'm glad if anything I've said was helpful. To be crystal-clear, I don't think you're a shitty person at all. I don't think your partner is shitty, either (though if he won't perform oral sex, that's a big red flag unless he has some reasonable explanation for it).

It may be that you're simply incompatible; it may be that one or both of you have it within your power to make things better. I don't know.

But I think what I'm trying to encourage you to do is to think critically about your own responses, and to ask yourself whether (for example) your negative self-opinion has any influence on your view of this situation. Teetering back and forth between "I want out NOW, this guy is a dead fish in bed" and "...but I'm shitty for wanting that because I owe him so much and he's so sweet" is understandable, but it's also extreme.

A lot of people in your situation might shrug their shoulders and say "Well, we had some good times and I'm grateful for all his kindness, but it's time to move on because I'm not happy", without beating themselves up OR devaluing the other person -- without blaming anyone at all, in other words (or alternatively, recognizing that both parties are to blame and contributed to the way things are).

It really is OK to leave, no matter how much you think you owe him. But to me, it seems like there's a decent chance you're going to act out the same drama with someone else -- getting bored with a guy who's loving and supportive, then getting disappointed by a Manic Pixie Dream Boy who gives you a few weeks of fun before ghosting, and then wondering why you can't have both of those things in the same person. I think you want to have clarity about whether you'll ALLOW yourself to be titillated by the same person who gives you his full love and support, or whether you're in a place where the two categories are mutually exclusive for now.

If the latter, the kind thing to do is to keep things casual in your love life (after you leave your current partner), and find ways to deal with your anxiety and depression on a purely independent basis. I think if you view another person as being instrumental in your salvation from those things, you're always going to end up resenting them on some level. Your mental health has to be your own, not a consequence of someone else's largesse.

I saw her today at the reception, a glass of wine in her hand. I knew she would meet her connection; at her feet was a footloose man.

@153. LWSHE. You're not a 'selfish bitch' for craving a hot shag. You would be if you did this behind your partner's back, then ran back to him when and if your mental health cratered. But it's extraordinarily unlikely you will do this, based on your thoughtfulness in discussing your situation.

I would stop anything that isn't working--the flirty texts, the silliness, the sexy dances, springing kinks on your lover.... There's no need even to work out why it isn't working. He could just be a sober-sides; or his view could be that it's impertinent for you to be daffy, because you both know the basis for your relationships is that you need his support, the support of a serious and committed guy. So you should treat him (the thinking would go) as a serious guy. Whatever. There are probably not any solutions you can come up with to injecting more excitement into your relationship one-sidedly.

As to how and when you can induce your bf to widen his sexual repertoire and curiosity about playing ... I'd think a lot of it may turn on how you can secure his buy-in to believing that your recovery is sustainable. You have to be better for longer, more stably and sustainably and for yourself. This will wean him off the carer or surrogate parent role. The key here is having strategies in place, as robust as you can, for managing and moderating a relapse into depression, or into incapacitation or social isolation through your eating disorder. Possibly you'll have to overcome a relapse in a way that's less dependent on him for him to accept he can let go of his guardianship position. This is very hard--in that when you're better, you're thinking about expanding, doing more stuff, wanting to do more things, do more people (ahem); but realistically some portion of your energies has to be devoting to baking in your newfound health. Re his lack of a propensity for sexual exploration, how often (if ever) have you turned him away sexually because of being withdrawn, anxious or depressed? A common mindset among guys is to go for PIV immediately in situations where there's no certainty it will always be on offer. If through your behavior you could extend more of a guarantee that functional sex (for him i.e. an orgasm at least) was likely to be there when he wanted it, that would lift the blinkers on him being able to imagine more variety.

Jesus jumping blue Christ on a bicycle, the more I think about this, the more it sounds like SHEis simply determined to make the (imaginary) perfect the enemy of the (actual) good. SHE is really into Old Friend Guy, and while he might also be into her, if he's not an asshole, he's not flirting with intent - or at all - because he knows she's engaged. So at least part, and possibly most/all, of SHE's perception of mutual attraction is projection on her part. On top of that, while she may be more attracted to this other guy than her fiance (common pattern for women to get bored with a long-term partner and be way more attracted to exciting new strangers, or relative strangers, to a much greater degree than men), she actually has no idea if he's into the kind of sex she would prefer, or if he's only into the kind of sex she's already having with her fiance.

What that means is that she's considering dropping an existing relationship with a caring person with whom she'd like to build a life long term, with whom she has an active sex life, and who constitutes her primary emotional support for the FANTASY of having the exact kind of sex she wants to have (but which may well not be what she wants in reality, and may even be worse than sex with her fiance) with someone she thinks is hotter than her fiance. That's a terrible idea. Her probability of finding a caring supportive partner who fucks her exactly how she wants is WAY lower than getting her existing caring, supportive partner to fuck her closer to exactly how she wants, and her best option is to work on that. We get exactly nothing about how that conversation has gone with her fiance, so I'm not even sure she's actually talked to him about it rather than simply assuming that he's only ever willing to have sweet and gentle sex (which may not be true if she's never asked, or may be negotiable if she's never made it clear how important more aggressive sex is to her; we also have no details about how high a bar her ideal sex might be - is it light spanking and dirty names, or whipping her until she bleeds?).

In all, I think what's happening here is FOMO, perhaps amplified by anxiety - SHE has internalized the idea that sleeping with a bunch of randoms is a wild fun time (which it can be, but it can also be miserable, and my undrestanding is that most of the people sleeping around are mostly doing so to try to find exactly what SHE already has) and she missed her opportunity for that, so she's considering abandoning an otherwise great relationship in favor of a fantasy that's unlikely to match reality. Don't do it, SHE; instead, use your fantasies (perhaps also try porn in line with your fantasies if you haven't) for wank material or to turn you on more during sex with your fiance, have a conversation where you tell him that your desire for whatever kind of sex you want is so strong that you're considering bailing on your otherwise great life with him to pursue it (so it's important for him to step the fuck up and do it to some extent, at least sometimes, unless he's truly incapable), and work with your therapist to learn how to accept the fact that reality rarely matches fantasy.

Or ignore that advice, break up, and roll the dice, but do so knowing that the strong odds are that you'll not find someone who's as good a partner as your fiance while still never or only rarely finding people with whom you can have your ideal sort of sex.

What’s that from JH @169? Songs are the modern poetry. I fall in love with singers because of their voices and the lyrics.
What are you on about YBM? Lots of men have written in bored with their partners sexually and they have got similar advice. Try and spice up the bedroom and suggest ways to do that. I agree with a lot of what you say. For all his damaged ways, I found my husband sexually attractive for thirty years. It is important to have that, especially if you have kids. Sometimes it’s the only part of the day that looks like it might be fun.
Yes, SHE, that he won’t go down on you is a big red flag. I wouldn’t accept that from any man, over long term.
You have to talk to this man. You are allowed to want what you want. There are no children, you can leave, if he doesn’t Hear how important this is to you. And most of us. To be sexually satisfied in a marriage.
Maybe practice in your head how you’re going to say things, so you grab his attention and he hears by your tone, this time you will not be silenced by his rationales. You want oral, then he needs to find out why he doesn’t give it to you or he might lose you.
The past is done, he chose every step of the way to stay with you. He got out of it what he got out of it. Part of which seems to be he could give into his fears about a woman’s body.
You owe him money. Pay that off.
Clean slate, no guilt, and give it to him straight. I sure wouldn’t have married a man who didn’t enjoy oral. Dealbreaker for me.
Only you know if he can change once he realises you are serious. Once you do some work tog with a therapist etc. Even so, it might never gel.
I suggest you give this six- 12 months, give him this time. I feel you owe him that. He’s got to be on board though and be open to going into vulnerable spaces thru therapy. No half arsed effort. Because you often feel like walking out the door. Tell him of these feelings. Mention strong attractions to other men, not the current one, talk in the past. Hard as it might be for him to hear this, it’s the truth. Marriages must begin from there.

Harriet @170, she may not relapse and she sure doesn’t have to prove to her partner or anyone that’s she’s strong enough. Don’t treat her like a child.
The guy doesn’t give oral, there’s your problem. He wants to be a carer because he’s not much of a lover.

Many women don’t like oral, that’s different to men not liking giving it. It’s such a rejection of a woman’s pleasure and her body. Says to me the man, any man, who doesn’t like it and therefore doesn’t offer it, is way too stuck sexually. Something hasn’t hooked up. I can understand why SHE is feeling like running out the door.

Some useful reality checks here in the last few comments, thanks everyone!

@Ytterby, your follow-up advice about emotional extremes was honestly fucking eye-opening for me. And a huge relief. Also appreciated what you say about examining my mindset around what I will allow me to turn me on. I think there’s something to that.

Sorry for the misunderstanding—I’m not sure how everyone got the impression that he refuses to give oral, but I don’t blame folks for getting confused amid all my words. :) Thankfully he is down with giving oral.

I had a good talk with him today. I realized that my issue with the relationship is actually less about the sex itself and more about the erotic dynamic between us. By which I mean, I want to feel like I hold some amount of power and mystery for him. All that stuff about differentiation. And I want to trust that he feels I help him grow, that he is affected and moved by me. I’m a big Feeler and my fiancé is a reserved Thinker (if I have to be simple about summing it up). I find Crush Guy so erotically appealing because he’s a very emotive person, he’s moved by what I share with him and seems like he’s genuinely learning something from me and valuing what I bring to the table. (Btw he knows my fiancé and I are engaged but that we also have problems, which I probably shouldn’t have shared with him.)

Anyway, I think the work will be focusing my energy on my fiancé and not on Crush Guy, and on my own independence and growth (within the relationship, at least for now). The more work I can do to be healthy and stable, I think the more my fiancé will see me as strong and powerful and mysterious (can’t help but giggle at those words but it’s true), and the more dynamic our chemistry will be. I can’t help but wonder if there’s anything I can ask my fiancé to do (other than sexual things), things that might help him loosen up, lose control a bit, let me into his emotions as he’s having them, rather than his calm-almost-academic explanation of his emotions. I figure a therapist will have ideas.

You all are pretty awesome, helping me out as total strangers on your own time—I’m moved by all the random generosity in this thread!

To clarify, it was the combination of Crush Guy’s moved-by-me attitude PLUS the muscles that got me so turned on. Don’t want to deny the muscle factor here, haha. (Which mostly = imagining what those muscles could do to me that my fiancé physically can’t, like pick me up during sex.) But muscles by themselves aren’t compelling enough to throw me into a mini-crisis.
Anyway and again, I agree that I need to focus on my fiancé. Even if what we physically do during sex never changes, if we have more of an erotic differentiated chemistry between us, I think I will feel pretty damn fulfilled. I think he would too. I’m hopeful :)

Good to hear that SHE, that he does give oral.
I’ve understood the erotic nature of sex better since my marriage ended, and I think the mystery does come from having a strong inner life. One rich in what interests one about the world, rich in private fantasies which remind us we are our own person. Going out and meeting new people and doing new things, alone.
Yes. Therapy will help.

Glad you’ve started the talking SHE.
SeeYa.

Ytterby @166, I think a guy who wrote in saying his wife was not interested in anything but PIV sex, recoiled at his attempts to playfully seduce her, and wouldn't indulge even the most vanilla of "kinks" would get plenty of sympathy. He'd probably get some folks (such as Dan) telling him to go cheat.

LWSHE @167: You're welcome! Glad my more-than-two cents have been helpful! :)

John @171: "SHE is really into Old Friend Guy, and while he might also be into her, if he's not an asshole, he's not flirting with intent - or at all - because he knows she's engaged. So at least part, and possibly most/all, of SHE's perception of mutual attraction is projection on her part." That's if he's not an asshole. If he IS an asshole, he doesn't care about her relationship status and is indeed attempting to tempt her to cheat. And even if he realistically isn't attempting to get her to cheat, his attraction may be real enough. I don't think it's fair to conclude SHE is necessarily fabricating or exaggerating Old Friend's interest.

I agree the odds are strong that the sex she's fantasising about having with Old Friend is far better than the sex she would actually be having with Old Friend, which could indeed be the same or worse than the sex she's currently having with Fiancé. Not worth risking a good relationship over sex that might be terrible.

She HAS talked to the fiancé about some of the things she'd like. See her post @157.

LWSHE @175: Phew! You mentioned all he was interested in was PIV, which implied no oral.
I'm glad you talked. What did he say about being more playful? Are there "fun" things he likes to do? Where does he find his inner child? Video games? Some kind of sport that you could engage in together? Sounds like he's agreed to the couples therapist, which sounds very encouraging indeed. Best of luck on your journey.

LWSHE, be careful not to think you can solve this problem by changing who your fiance is. He is a thinker, not an emotionally-driven person. That's a fine way to be.

I had a boyfriend who was a thinker and was excellent at supporting me through a serious crisis. However, I was strongly attracted to him because I too am a thinker, and I loved solving problems and puzzles with him, plus we shared a similar sense of humor.

Try to find a way to connect to your fiancee as he is himself, and if you can't, leave him to find someone else. Don't think you should try to change him to be more like you.

Dear SHE, one more important point to highlight before I really sign off.
Think very hard about having children. You have a tendency for anxiety, which sounds like you are getting on top of. The thing with children, is that there is a fair bit of natural anxiety generated by them. They are so little for so long, etc.
Don’t ever have a baby because a man wants one, because it’s you who will be doing the hard yards up front and breastfeeding, if you choose that.
Not saying it isn’t rewarding, I am saying it comes with lots of worrying, which to me is anxiety. Gets much easier once they become adults and they are making good choices mostly for themselves.
I still worry.
Shake a leg and stay in charge of your life.

@lmr, thanks for the good reminder! We also talked about how I can connect with him more in thinker ways, like playing more strategy games together. I think that will help our chemistry.

@BiDanFan, to answer your question: I just asked him if there are ways to help him relax more—helping him more with stuff he has to do, giving him extra back rubs, etc. He is understandably pretty stressed out a lot. He said me working on getting better is the main thing, but also acknowledged that he can be very serious a lot of the time, and will try to see the playful side of things. And yes, he is down to give oral, we just haven’t done it in a long time and almost forget that it exists. I’ve enjoyed it much more with past partners, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work on technique together (along with stoking the larger picture of our erotic chemistry, which will be a big part of it I think).

@LavaGirl, thank you, that’s worth thinking about more. Appreciate it!

Cocky @184: Apologies for jumping in here, but I think you are absolutely right to be guarded. I had a best-friendship with someone who had mental health issues. I did not appreciate the magnitude of the problems they presented, choosing to see that underneath it she was a good person, etc. I let myself get too close to her -- moved in as roommates, lent her money. Long story short, it all blew up on me when I (desperately) needed the money back and she decided that I was the latest in the long line of people who had victimised her -- which made me see that the previous villains in her life had actually been innocent as well. She moved out, didn't pay her rent or the money she owed me, and moved onto the next lot of victims with a sob story of how awfully I'd mistreated her. It was one of my worst breakups, and we weren't even a couple! The worst part was that I think she actually believed her own version of events. This was a harsh lesson for me, and I learned, don't get too close to people with (poorly managed) mental health issues. Be friends, accept them, support them emotionally where you can, but don't put your own security or sanity at risk. In other words I think your anxieties are well founded and you are right to take this slow. Take care of yourself first, and good luck!

Thank you for that note @cockyballsup, that’s helpful for me to hear. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling gaslighted by him. That’s definitely a problem, and you’re right to protect yourself. I wonder if a therapist might be helpful for repairing that dynamic, and also to point out the gaslighting to your partner?

Hollywood made a movie like this starting Jessica Alba as a blind woman with a totally devoted bf. She had an operation, which her BF arranged and regained her sight. She no longer was totally dependent on her BF. She started to explore her new sighted world and was drifting away from the BF. He did not take this well and it ended very badly for him. This is fiction, but there is a grain of truth there as well. Devoted people are more inclined to be devastated by a breakup. From what little is given, the BFs world revolves around her.. He may not be devastated, but I wouldn't bet on it. I'm not saying the LW should stay with her BF for this reason, but she needs to prepare emotionally for the worst. [Let he who would have peace, prepare for war] She already has the pangs of guilt,

@173. Lava. You're saying the guy finds a metier in caring because he's not much of a lover.... Hmm--I would think their pattern of behavior is mutually supporting (and codependent) and has built up over a number of years. He supports her in her anxiety and eating disorder (saves her from the worst of it and perhaps also unwittingly perpetuates it) and she supports him in his anemic lovemaking.

Of course he should go down on her. SHE has said that the sex has always been 'bad'. Some people have had trouble hearing this; and I'm entirely with you in hearing this.

@175. LWSHE. You're more emotionally on Crush Guy's wavelength than your fiancé’s, and you've told CG your relationship is in trouble. You're playing with fire. Step back from Crush Guy. You need to make a choice that is a choice--not a choice forced on you by a compulsion, or one you haven't stated rationally and explored and determined with your long-time lover. The crush guy isn't the real issue here. Your life-choice isn't him or your fiancé. It’s rather abiut whether you have a sustainable and sufficiently exciting erotic future with your current guy.

If you don't, and Crush Guy is a serious long-term prospect, he will still be there when you decide this (when the discussions, the new erotic openness and dynamic with your bf, the therapy, the sustained-recovery plan, have, one way or another, faltered). If Crush Guy is just a hot fuck, he will still be there as that. Or there will be many hot fucks.

Harriet @188: SHE has clarified that he does go down on her, but that's not one of their go-to's. And please do not use quotation marks unless you are quoting a LW's actual words. SHE did not say that the sex has always been, quote, bad. SHE said, "Our sex life isn't great and never has been. We just aren't very sexually compatible. He's vanilla, reserved, and all about the sweet and cuddly. I like that, but I also like stuff that's more aggressive." You and Lava have rounded "not great" down to "bad."

@Harriet thank you, I agree. I'm trying to figure out what to say to Crush Guy to cut things off. We've never addressed our mutual attraction. Not sure whether I should be honest, or just suddenly become 'too busy.' I would prefer to not ghost him or make him feel discarded, because outside of the attraction I do value him as a friend and person, but if I'm honest with him that my attraction to him is a problem because my fiancé comes first, and it's taking energy away from working on things with my fiancé, would that be disrespectful to my fiancé? To be so open with CG about my attraction to him?

I figure I should just risk the friendship with CG ending, because my fiancé is the more important person in my life. If anyone has ideas for how to cut things off with CG, I'd be grateful. And no problem if not obviously. I need to make my own decisions, and this thread has gone on for a very long time :)

LWSHE @191: I think this could be one of those times that there can be too much honesty. You've correctly identified that you shouldn't have told Crush Guy about the problems in your relationship, thus encouraging him to build your mutual attraction. If you tell him that you're backing off because you are too attracted to him, that could only serve to encourage him more. What I would do is a combination of gradually dialing back contact, indeed being "too busy" to see him in person, and talk a lot about how you're working things out with your fiancé and how great he's being, etc. He should get the hint.

And to follow up on my most recent comment: I feel like if I tell Crush Guy I'm attracted to him and need to step back, then I need to tell my fiancé about the attraction to Crush Guy as well, so there aren't secrets behind my fiancé's back. My fiancé knows I've mentioned that we have some problems to some friends (including to some close guy friends, which matters to him to know because I am mostly straight). And he knows I have/had crushes here and there. But fiancé obviously doesn't know about my specific attraction to this specific guy. Also, I haven't told Crush Guy specifics about the issues with my fiancé, just alluded to the fact that fiancé and I are having some issues. I shouldn't have said anything though. Ugh, I'm definitely trying to dig myself out of a big hole I dug.

Ah just saw your comment @192 BiDanFan, thank you!

@cockyballsup, that’s great that you’re standing up for yourself and setting up healthy boundaries! Hopefully it catalyzes him to learn to stand on his own two feet—and then hopefully you two can have even hotter sex once he’s gotten there.

Reading you haven’t had oral for a long time SHE, that is concerning. Esp. you really like it.
Putting life energy into one direction which ticks some boxes, rather than putting energy elsewhere and risking not finding a mate who ticks any boxes, is what following your truth means. It means risk.
Only you know if you will be more true to yourself, if you take that risk.

Mr Balls - Congratulations, and "caretaker-zoned" is quite good.

@192 & @193. LWSHE--I like Bi's advice. If you want to be honest, tell Crush Guy you need time to focus on your health and ongoing recovery and on making your relationship work. (I don't know how well you know CG--whether he's a close friend or someone you find attractive partly because you don't know him well. If he's a genuine friend to whom you feel you owe honesty, something like the real reasons--the health and relationship ones--are things that would rightly get you a pass on running into him less). But most of all I'm with Bi that you don't want to err on the side of too much honesty with someone who isn't your primary commitment.

@188. Bi. Yes, I'd rounded down 'not great' to 'bad'. 'Not great' is more salvageable. With the oral sex thing, I didn't want to put Lava in the wrong because she was under the misapprehension we were all under, given the information we had.

@193. LWSHE. I don't think your personalising that you've had (or have) crushes on other guys--saying something like, well, you're such a mouse that actually I have the hots for Jeff, or Freddie--is going to help you with your current bf. If you're concerned that it will get back to him (to your bf), you probably shouldn't share with CG the reason you're seeing him less. Is there any dishonesty here anyway--any reason you'd be dishonest in just dialing down the contact with CG? Would there be any dishonesty in telling your bf something along the lines of ... oh, of course, you get the hots for other people? What you and your bf can commit to doing by way of change is what will determine your future. If you get well on a stable footing, there may be a chance he (oh, idk) takes up swimming and gets muscles.

Thanks for the additional helpful comments! I hope that I can still be friends with CG on the other side of this, because he is actually a good friend—we’ve been in touch a long time from far away (and because as a friend he could be one of several folks who I can be more silly and emotive with), but you’re right that I can’t focus fully on my fiancé when I’m crushing on someone else, even if I’m not acting on the crush.
Separately—sometimes monogamy feels so limiting to me, but that’s the relationship I’m in and I absolutely have to respect those rules. If I want to try poly I have to leave my fiancé—and be 100% willing to lose an amazing person because I want to try a different way of being. Right now I love him and I suspect I want to try poly, but I obviously can’t have both. So I think I should just choose him and forget about the poly. That’s a whole other can of worms though. What a mess.

It's surely less of a mess than when you were framing your choice as between CG and your loving but excessively sober and sexually uninspiring fiancé (?--if you ever were).

Get back to seeing someone for your eating disorder and anxiety; the more you get on top of it, the more, individually and as a couple, you'll be able to socialize with a wider group of people; and new relationship dynamics can emerge. Consider taking your partner to some of any therapy you have (don't be ashamed of this) and work out, for once and all (if you haven't already), what his acceptable 'script' round your eating is--what he can't say about your eating too little, too much, too irregularly, going to the bathroom too soon after you've eaten (whatever it is). This shouldn't be something you have to renegotiate, something that can trip you up if you have other relationship problems; and you don't want it to be a sacred mystery, something so fearful and hushed it's shared with your bf and no one else knows of your struggles. What other support do you get from your friends--your clearly Platonic friends, couples maybe, over this? Could you go round for a BBQ at friends' without anxiety, the fear of judgment or feeling a need to conceal? Closet your problem and you place a great weight on a relationship that already lacks light and shade.

If you're well for a while, the possibility of poly might come up. This is for later. You'll be in a stronger negotiating position.

Thank you Harriet, that is good advice for strengthening the relationship! He is firm that he will never ever want poly in his life, especially (in his reasoning) because he wants kids, and in dark moments sometimes I feel scared about going through with commitment with him because of how set he is on this stuff—I fear my ability to go through with it without feeling somehow closed off to the world—and yet I also truly love him. It’s fucking heartbreaking and driving me crazy that I keep getting these crushes. I wish I could turn them off, but not acting on them is honestly exhausting and I keep wondering if I’m a degenerate: like, is it this exhausting for everyone who’s monogamous? Am I just a selfish baby? But in any case, strengthening the relationship is a first step toward figuring out whatever comes next.

Well, what closes you off to the world at the moment? Is it him and the way he constrains your being round others, or is it your anxiety and issues with food? If it's him, even patterns of relating you're built up together, that's not good--it's something you both need to address.

I don't think Dan or any other commenter was willing to provide you with absolution for going off and fucking some other guy--even some rando, for instance, as the only way of coping with a necessary-to-you but suffocatingly sweet relationship. No one had that work-around. All the views were either to call your relationship quits, if it's unworkable, or to work on it (and maybe work intensively on it first). I'd say work on it, work on your recovery and see where you are with your partner later. It's not the case that having kids disqualifies anyone from poly--he must know this. He's not engaging with you on poly at the moment because your roles as carer and person-cared-for are too well-set (I would guess; he doesn't imagine you robustly and hard-headedly finding another lover). You are not degenerate, selfish, cracked or bad for wanting exciting sex. Even sex with a new lover. None of those things.

Thanks so much for all your helpful words, @Harriet! It’s a combination: my eating problems definitely close me off some. I was very social before my anxiety got worse. It’s much better now, though, than it was at its worst. This relationship is also a good environment for me to fester in my anxiety, as he naturally tends to hermit away and stare at a screen all day. This is something we can work on together. I know he would be receptive to more socializing.
Weirdly, he seems to think it would be easy for me to find someone else, and seems threatened by that. Which I suspect is part of his strong stance against poly. He has said that if we open up our relationship, it’s basically going to make it very likely that we’ll break up, but also that no matter who he’s with, he will always want to be monogamous. He really hates the idea of “sharing” sexually.
By “closed off”—it’s probably not fair because I’m in a monogamous relationship, but sometimes I just think life would be richer if I could enjoy some sort of romantic-sexual connection with more than one person, although I think I would probably always enjoy a strong primary partner bond. Whenever I get a crush (but especially with this latest one), I have pretty strong romantic feelings, even more than the sexual feelings. It has been tiring to keep shoving them down for so long. As I said, I keep wondering if all monogamous people get intermittent strong crushes like this, and if monogamy is just exhausting like this by its nature. Or if I get it way more intensely than most, and if that indicates something that needs to change in my behavior or mindset.

I'd think both you and your fiance are within the range of normal--you with your crushes and strong urges, him with his predisposition to remain rooted. You are the starfish, he the clam. Don't think you need to be someone else--to be responsible for anything but your behavior. I agree with the people who say 'don't have kids' before sorting out whether your relationship will be--by consent--monogamous, monogamish or poly.