Great advice! Both things were already in my head when I got to that point. One other point...sounds like he has death grip to me, so I'd include Dan's usual death grip advice here too, no wanking.

So here's my playlist for next time. Start with him, work him up a bit before the piv, and of course yourself too, then ride him reverse cowgirl, and work his prostate with your finger or whatever tool you prefer, while he gets that great view.

Even if he doesn't get to the finish line, he'll be a lot closer. And if you add the death grip advice, and he doesn't get to the finish line, then when you are done so is he, and better luck next time! Sounds like a lot of fun (for you at least, hehe) and a lot less frustrating too.

Sounds like she might be more bored by the routine of it? Like, she should be able to get all the deep penetration and kissing she wants whether or not he cums while he's in her. And he can jack it at the end of sex whenever as Dan says, but it doesn't have to be with her eating his ass every time and then him cumming in her throat. Why can't he sometimes jack it while she kisses him, she can hold him close while he cums, if that's the thing she's missing. Doens't require him to be inside her when it happens.

Also why in the world do they wait until she's had tons of orgasms and is tired before he jacks it? Why not sometimes do that earlier on- a shorter session, sure, but she'll still be horny when he's jacking and she can masturbate too so she doens't feel disconnected from him- they can cum mostly together. And finally, I'd say she shouldn't be putting her hangups on him. If he's so generous and has been mixing things up and she still feels this way, she has every right to her feelings, but they aren't his fault.

Excellent advice. I would add this: Talk to him to learn more about what (if any) images and fantasies he's using the get off. The LW comes off as very negative about the mere idea that that is what he is doing, but does she know for sure? Just starting with more information could lead to new avenues to spice up their sex life - like maybe even bringing into the room a version of his fantasy come to life while they watch?

I sense that many women have very specific feelings about a man having an orgasm in their body, which is part physical and part psychological. It's not something I've discussed in depth with sex partners - although I had one partner who specifically requested that I tell her the moment I was having an orgasm in her vagina. Nor do I recall this getting discussed in the column or comment section.

TACTILE makes clear that she wants to know her body (read: vagina) made her partner orgasm. We can guess as to her reasons, but if that is what she want to happen, nothing else is really going to satisfy her, and there really isn't a compromise. TACTILE's lover probably doesn't know and may not entirely appreciate TACTILE's feeling on this point. He is probably operating under the assumption that since TACTILE is getting many orgasms before he climaxes that she is sexually satisfied. I would suggest that TACTILE discuss this issue with her lover and see if they cannot make this a fun challenge to overcome, but she honestly sounds like she no longer enjoys sex with this man, and doesn't want to make the effort to get him to orgasm insider her.

I would note that ED medication is known to make having an orgasm difficult, but perhaps a different medication or lower dose might alleviate the issue of marathon fuck sessions without his climaxing.

Before she dumps him she should work with him. Ask him to skip jacking off (as #1 said). If he is looking at porn a lot, he is likely jacking off a lot. This makes it harder for him to come (in general) and harder for him to come via other means. Skip the porn for a month and see what happens. She didn't say how often they have sex, but my guess it isn't that often. If he skips the porn and the masturbation that probably comes with it, he will likely have a lot easier time coming. He may also find that he doesn't need the Viagra.

It couldn't be the porn;
no;
even tho he watches a ton of porn it could not affect in anyway his attitudes toward sex or women.
No,
definitely not the porn...

@8 he's also into pegging, should we also blame that without evidence since some people have negative biases against it?

So long as my biases are reinforced..

The viagra could be shooting your plans in the foot. It can make it harder to climax. Which is part of why it lets him fuck longer.

Great advice by all (except the troll @ 8, but that goes without saying).

If you do decide to dump him over this, LW, just don't find another lover in his 50s. I'm in my 50s, most of the guys I have sex with are at least in their mid 40s, and that's what happens 95% of the time or more, viagra or no viagra. Indeed, I recently came inside a FWB and frankly, I was quite surprised! It hadn't happened since I was with my last BF, and that was many years ago.

Viagra while great for erections doesn’t necessarily result in matching levels of orgasms. I find it delays that urge. That is increasingly the case as I age now in my early 60s. Yes this is likely how the partner is wired and exacerbated by V.

Oh my gosh. My fantasies aren't linear and I always thought that was weird.

Thanks, Dan.

It might not be the porn - at least by itself. I assume the porn comes with lots of masturbating, and some men don't orgasm as easily in their fifties as they did in their twenties. Just like with the death-grip issue, this one might be solved by eliminating all the in-between-times masturbating and orgasms until his body is responsive to TACTILE's finally.

Both TACTILE and her (possibly still, possibly soon to be ex) BF could probably benefit from reading "Come As You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski - the thing that's killing things worse than anything else might be expectations, both hers and his, and those could potentially get looked at in a whole new light after reading that particularly handy book.

It's physiological, not some psychological porn thing. He's desensitized and conditioned to his hand; she's not an 18 year old vice. She climaxes early and often, which relaxes thing a little and adds watery, less grippy female ejaculate. But he's whacked himself into needing a lot of friction and expertly-specific manipulation.

So: he refrains more often from masturbation and works on loosening his grip; she does kegels. Over/under on unplanned pregnancy 6 weeks.

I am a gay Male and when I pop (last),l I am completely done. I can't suck a cock much less would I want to rim someone at that point, get out of my way, I'm heading to the fridge and the couch! Probably a letter to Dan in there somewhere hehe

I have to say, I get it. For many years the only way I could come was by using my vibrator, and I couldn't even have my partner hold it. And it meant the world to me when a man didn't view that as a chore or a bore or a referendum on my sense of attraction to him. And I've had partners who couldn't come unless they were stroking themselves while I licked ears or balls or nipples or murmured encouragingly dirty things while cupping balls or fingering an ass. I never took / still don't take any of it personally.

BUT

My last serious boyfriend preferred to come in my pussy and was easily able to do so and I have to admit I really liked it--it /did/ make me feel as if I and my body were enough; it also made simultaneous orgasm possible and much more likely, and I admit that there is a sense of mutuality and satisfaction about that which made for a sense of deep connection. And let's be honest: it was a lot less work.

But this is one of those "price of admissions things," it seems. So the lw needs to decide how much having a boyfriend come inside her means to her and how much all the other positive aspects of this guy are worth. And not judge him or beat up on herself if she decides that having her bf come inside her is super important.

Step 1 for him... jerk off less or better yet, go on a full hiatus. Ideally no manual stimulation even by you for a while. Probably don't need a step 2. That said. You sound done. Maybe it's too late. Shit happens. Stuff runs it's course.

I'm in a similar boat to TACTILE's boyfriend: With a new partner there's a very low chance I can ever come from PIV, and even with established partners, it's really chance. Sometimes I can get the job done in around 10 minutes, others much longer, and others not at all. As I've gotten older, my cardiovascular stamina has been the limiting factor on how long I can have sex (I'm also multi orgasmic, so on the rare times I do come early, it's no problem to keep on truckin').

My experience is that this is a MASSIVE PROBLEM for effectively all women. My first ever partner cried about it, my second ever partner said it was because I was gay (I'm straight), and my second-to-most-recent partner said it was "disrespectful" that I didn't come from fucking her (she did demand, however, to get herself off with her hitatchi whenever she got close when we had sex...). However bad men are about policing their partners orgasms (or lack thereof), women are definitively worse. I've literally only had 1 partner of 25 that was just happy to accept things how they were (and yes, I do tell partners before our first time together that I'm probably not going to get off from PIV and that it's not a statement on their "ability" or how hot I think they are - not that it makes an ounce of difference).

Anywho, there's no resolution for me or the BF if 95% of women expect you to come inside of them, you can't keep looking for partners until you find one who accepts you, time isn't infinite. I mean, we could teach women that they're just as responsible for sex as men are - but we know that'll never happen.

@19 just as a followup - my symptoms are not (to the best of my knowledge) death-grip related. I've had partners sprinkled in there that I could readily cum with, when given enough time with them (by which I mean, 1-2 months of new relationship fucking-as-often-as-possible). About 5 years ago i decided to stop masturbating by hand and got a fleshlight which... it's alright, it gets the job done, but I don't especially enjoy. I used that exclusively for about 2 months to see if it changed how I was with my then-partner but it really didn't have an effect. I switched back to mano-y-mano and things haven't gotten more difficult or easier. I'm generally a introverted person who takes a long time to open up to someone, and I think that's my fundamental issue, rather than deathgrip or not.

I think this is the answer for 95% of all questions that Dan receives: If someone does the same thing all the time, that thing gets boring. People who want to be big babies, people who only want footjobs, people who never want to give or receive head, people who can only cum while jerking off and having their assholes licked. It get old. There are 3 options: (1) talk with the person about why this repetition is not satisfying and request some changes. (2) Work out an open relationship or cheat so you can fuck someone else in some other way. (3) Leave and hope that the next person meets the needs. Of course, if Dan just copies and pastes this, he's out of business.

Ditto nocute@17~ This is a “price of admission” situation. Been there. You don’t have to be REASONABLE about your “must-have” list, you just have to understand that each item on the list will diminish your pool of prospective partners. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it isn’t and only you can decide. I don’t have ALL the items on my wish list with current GF, but I do have the important ones. If the situation was reversed (and it has been, often) it was time to move on, just not the right fit, no blaming or recriminations necessary. Life is too short to constantly feel short-changed.

@17 @22 IMO, "Must be able to cum from PIV" is not a reasonable price-of-admission, because 99% of the time it's not based on a choice or preference of the partner. Some people can, some people can't - they don't have the option of paying the price of admission. It's more of a "you must be this tall to ride this ride" sign.

@23 Sportlandia: They mean the price admission for her, not for him. To be with him, she pays the price of no vagina-orgasms. Is she willing to pay that price? Sounds like no, and it's too bad she didn't accept that about herself earlier.
Let this be an example for all of us who say "it's fine that we don't do that thing that I really like" and then find ourselves years down the line saying "oh god I need that thing why did I ever think I could go forever without it".

@24: Yes, Ankylosaurus, that's what I meant. And DonnyKlicious was right @22 about attitude.

@Sportlandia: I don't think people's prices of admission must be "reasonable." First of all, who decides what's reasonable? Different things make good sense to different people, but you know how it goes when a group gets in power and changes the definitions of reasonability or propriety. First it's phrased as a moral issue and then it turns into a legal one, with no room for nuance and context (see the SLLOTD about Dan's refusal to see himself as the victim many people want him to be).

Secondly, people get to choose their deal breakers and/or prices of admission for themselves; they must accept that if those deal breakers are numerous or extreme or rule out things that are commonplace and popular, they are severely limiting their pool of partners, and they really shouldn't be bitter about that (but often people are bitter about stuff--what can you do?).

I agree that the older the lw gets and the correspondingly older her pool of partners gets, the more it will shrink, as this issue seems to affect men more as they age. So her deal breaker (or her unwillingness to pay the price of admission to be with a man who can't come inside her) may really hamper her.

LW doesn’t say how old she is, just that he is on the older side, and that to her is early fifties.
LW, you don’t need any one else’s say so re staying or leaving relationships. Ok? Being GGG doesn’t mean you stay in a situation that no longer satisfies you. You say you are sexually bored, and you sound it.
It is psycholically pleasing to hear a man come while he’s inside. The whole build up and explosion is very satisfying to be part of. I can understand this LW feeling it’s absence, if her other lovers could come inside her during PIV sex.

As usual, well said, spot on advice to TACTILE, Dan.

The drug doesn’t help and do you change positions after you’ve had orgasms LW, one where the vagina is tighter. Say, him lying on top of your back, you with legs together, bummsluggtly raised and you can squeeze your vagina tighter.
Lots of good suggestions above for maybe turning this around. Does he know how you are feeling about this, because that is step one.

Funny iPhone. bum slightly raised.

I sympathize with the LW. She explicitly stated that she feels like an accessory. It massively sucks when you are no longer engaged, sexually, and are just going through the motions to get your partner off. Mechanically eating ass and fingering him while he masturbates, then letting him stick it down your throat while he comes, sounds very much like a porn scene and not any kind of real intimacy. What the letter writer is missing, and SAYS she is missing, is the sense of connection. Not pride that her body made him come, not the physical sensation of him coming during PIV. It’s not policing someone’s sexuality to want to feel connected to your partner during sex. I second the advice to get him off somewhere in the middle, instead of waiting until she's done and it's a chore. I also think she needs to let her partner know that it is the sense of connection that she is missing, and how can they fix that? Maybe it is her enjoying giving him a blowjob (instead of him sticking it in her throat at the last minute.) Or changing position while she fingers/rims him so their bodies are against each other. There's a lot of room for physical intimacy between comes in her during piv and her feeling objectified.

@19, @20 Point taken. I retract @18.

They could try this: forget about the Viagra for the time being, because while it gives you a hard-on, it also makes coming more difficult. Leave PIV off the table for a while and try to make him come by jerking him off. That way it is you making him orgasm instead of you being an accessory to him while he jerks himself off, and an "intimate" position, including kissing while jerking him off, is entirely possible.

That's assuming that non-PIV sex is acceptable to them.

TACTILE: "We have talked about opening our relationship but I don’t think I can handle polyamory."

open ≠ polyamorous

TACTILE & DAN: Science says viagra and cialis and the like (PDE5 inhibitors) are effective treatments for premature ejaculation:

boner pills = HARDER to come*

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28720356

*pun and capitalization intentional - HARDER in most dudes, harder to come only in some dudes, higher individual variation on the ejaculation effects

I cannot help but notice the glaring double standard that happens here: there are a lot of women who do not come via piv and have much better luck with toys, and a lot of men who feel threatened by toys. It's all well and good to feel attracted to a situation where you and your partner get off exclusively through piv, it's another thing to pull out unnecessary stigmatizing narratives.

Sometimes people just need to admit they are sexually incompatible and move on. It's frustrating with fetishes because while every therapist out there knows you don't "cure" fetishes, every armchair sexpert is always giving you moronic condescending advice like "just don't masturbate and that will auto-magically make you attracted to situations you don't find sexy."

There are two issues here I'd think TACTILE and her partner should separate:

He doesn't come inside her;
She doesn't feel emotionally engaged with how he orgasms (specifically, she feels he's playing a showreel of porn inside his head that excludes her).

Maybe she'll have to give up on 1. for now, but together they can work on 2. Could they stop the thrusting after her first or second orgasm, so that she can try getting him off in a more connected or intimate way? Could she ask about what he visualises when he finally comes (and could he tell her?). Could they separate getting him off from PIV? Would a lower or no dosage of Sildenafil help, with the couple accepting that he might go limp before either of them has come? Because there are always fingers, and tongues...?

@24 @25 world you seriously argue "my female partners must be able to come from piv" as a reasonable price of admission? Like if a guy quote in and said that, you'd be like "hey it's you're loss but that's totally ok and fine and reasonable"? No. We can find half a dozen examples of Dan excoriating LWs with that opinion explicitly because it's unreasonable.

I'd just like everyone who goes on and on about the death grip (Dan included) that for some people, it's really the opposite. I was warned about this as a teen and always was wary of any exaggerated pressure on my dick as I masturbated (or when others gave me a hand job). As a result, from the moment I graduated to anal, any asshole that's too tight made me lose my boner, and I only enjoy penetration if the person is loose enough.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, so please drop the death grip obsession already.

If you're not trying to get pregnant, why is this a problem?
Sounds like there are several different ways this guy can get off. Inside her vagina is just not one of them.
"I miss the simple, organic pleasure of riding a man and kissing him." Why can't you ride him and kiss him? Are you saying he doesn't fuck you or that he doesn't come while fucking you? I'm confused.
"sometimes when he’s kneeling over my face and masturbating ... and he’s in his head conjuring whatever crazy shit he watches online..." How do you know he's "conjuring crazy shit he watches online"? Perhaps his mind is completely blank while he focuses on getting to orgasm.
Woman, your sex life sounds hot AF to me. Why don't you try putting yourself in his shoes? Imagine he'd written a letter describing how resentful he had become of doing whatever it is YOU need to come. I imagine you'd feel pretty hurt.
Again, the letter is confusing. If he won't kiss you while fucking you, you have a legitimate complaint. If he won't fuck you, you have a legitimate complaint. If it's just simultaneous orgasms you miss, maybe you could suggest he moans while you're coming as he fucks you? Would that illusion be helpful? What about if he gets to the point of no return and sticks it in your vagina instead of your mouth? Honestly, if you "love him and are totally compatible in almost every other way," this seems like a tiny price of admission. But if you really are thinking of leaving him over it, maybe you should, so he can find someone who appreciates him more.

Dan: "Perhaps you would be a little less resentful if you knew what he was thinking about?" I suspect this is a terrible idea.
You also seem to be suggesting that he give her fewer orgasms! It doesn't sound to me like he's "waiting," just that he takes a lot longer than she does. I do agree it can feel like a chore to be expected to continue having sex for long after one is satisfied, but it sounds like he's willing to do most of the work (she can always say "sorry, but I don't feel like licking your ass right now").

Every time they have sex, he has to finish with a tongue up his arse and his dick down her throat - and this after a a long period of time...

The woman's a saint and deserves better.

@23. Sportlandia. Well, it's as reasonable as a criterion based on height.

/break/
As a 50yo, I am not enchanted by what Ricardo says about finding coming more elusive as you age. I've only started having PIV sex with women in the last five years after being a confirmed bottom in the gay context, and I would say that fucking a vagina is physically easier and much more likely to result in ejaculation.

@37. Sportlandia. Yes. That would be your POA to set. You would be setting a higher bar than a woman in the mirror situation, in that more men can come from PIV than women. There might also be a slightly higher requirement for you to let a prospective long-term partner down gently, if these were the grounds for your not continuing with a relationship (i.e. a higher standard of 'aftercare').

Again, what's the issue- that he can't cum from PIV or that they are stuck in this routine?

I agree with everyone that he can't cum from PIV is probably just how his body works and there's nothing wrong with that, and yes, it's more common with older men IME. If she wants to walk just because he can't cum inside her, then she's got every right to do that, but it's not HIS fault nor problem and she needs to deal with all that resentment her own self and not project it on him.

But I think reframing the situation, changing their habits, could help. There is no reason why jerking off needs to happen after she's exhausted and ready to be done. There is no reason why he must jerk off while she has her tongue in his ass every time. And there is no reason why he has to cum in her throat every time. If it is THIS routine that she is tired of and THIS that is making her feel disconnected and resentful, then she needs to communicate this with him and they should work on changing things around.

He can jack off earlier. She can masturbate while he does it so they can have shared orgasms. She can hold him while he jacks it and kiss him while he jacks it so that she can be face-to-face with him while he cums instead of face-to-ass.

So let's not conflate the two things. While it's shitty of her to act like there's something wrong with him if he needs manual stimulation to orgasm, it's also pretty damn unreasonable to expect that someone is going to lick your ass and then open up their throats every single time you cum. Which thing is it that is actually bothering her?

...

EmmaLiz @3: Well said. They both know how he comes. It sounds like he is one of those men who thinks being a good lover means giving one's partner as many orgasms as possible, but this is wearing her out. Her asking him to stop before she's all orgasmed out, so that they can climax together, is a good solution. Also, has she tried jacking him off? And if she is feeling left out because (she assumes) he's fantasising, has she tried talking dirty so that he can get off using her words?

Several commenters made the good point that Viagra may be delaying his orgasm. Does he need it or does he just prefer it?

Ricardo @11, thanks for that observation as well. TACTILE needs to adjust her expectations for age.

TACTILE, I hear that you are hurting. And bitter. But don't let it get to you that you

"...can’t make [your] boyfriend come with [your] body"

and don't take it personally. I also agree with Dan that that doesn't mean you can't break up with him. But first, perhaps he can retrain himself, perhaps with your support, to become a healthier more functional sex partner. As others already mentioned, just because he appears to be in a deep rut that perhaps porny masturbation dug him into, doesn't mean that can't possibly change with the effort and desire to.

She's not saying she's having a problem cumming, she's having a problem with the way HE likes cumming. This doesn't exactly qualify as a problem. Your man is attentive and ALWAYS makes sure you get yours first. Wanna trade?? Date nothing but guys who could give a damn about anything but what THEY want, including whether or not you've finished, and then tell me WHICH one you prefer. I know people are going to be pissed, but yeah, this is pretty safely classifiable as a "Not-A-Real-Problem" problem.

@33... BINGO. Viagra (and Cialis) DEFINITELY make it harder to cum, I've done a personal study on the subject. Try using half the amount of V and see if it helps. I've also found that if I take it one evening, the next evening I get good and hard and cum. So there's that.
Also, dude is getting older. It becomes harder to cum. It's a nature thing.

Women can and do fake orgasms, not so easy for men.
It is strange that the LW hasn’t tried to alter the rountine. If this man has had this issue most of his sexual life, not being able to come in a vagina, then the LW knows her answer.
LW, for him it’s how he is, and you need to talk with him about how you are losing connection to him because the routine has become tedious and boring. Then together work out creative solutions.
Maybe he could cut out/ back on self pleasuring, see if that changes anything. Sort the meds so he doesn’t keep erect for hours and takes forever to come.
Porn, people say no no it’s not the porn, and how do they know it’s not? Have there been any longitudinal studies done on effects of porn on sexual behaviour. This man is not old, early fifties. Yet he’s needing medical help, and I’ve read elsewhere young women talking about young males losing or having troubles with erections. Is something going on here, because I never encountered men with erection issues, until recently.
My ex was just on sixty when we parted, a diabetic, and he still maintained erections till then, no meds.
So what’s going on, medically. Is it just random, or is it cultural. Is it health related, as well as age related. How many men need meds, or do they take them just in case.
I’ve never thought how difficult it must feel to suddenly lose an erection, mid fuck. A woman can fake sex from beginning to end. Moan and groan in all the right places.
This woman wants a straight out PiV experience, where they both come during it. It’s a fair enough wish, and if it’s that important to her to experience that some of the time, then she needs to acknowledge that to herself and move on.

@37 sportlandia: "would you seriously argue 'my female partners must be able to come from piv' as a reasonable price of admission?"
I wouldn't call price of admission as reasonable or unreasonable because it depends on the individuals involved. An unreasonable price for some people will be standard operating procedure for others. ("The price of admission for being with you is that I don't ever get to lick your leather boots as you insult my body? Ok!") I will argue that it is unreasonable to expect everybody to be willing and able to pay the price of admission, and the less common the thing you want, the fewer people will pay the price of admission.

If the price of admission for being with someone is coming from PIV, one must accept that will price many people out of the market (because they can't/don't do that or because they don't want to be with someone with that price) and not be angry or resentful about the smaller pool of potential partners.

I also think of these things as incompatibilities and not failures or defects on anybody's part, and I think it would behoove TACTILE to approach it that way. From there, figure out what to do with root concerns about intimacy, boredom, and falling out of love instead of trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing (especially something that has been part of his life for decades and hers for four years).

Assure bf he doesn’t need to come every time you have sex and ask him to refrain from ejaculating till next time you two do it together. This will increase his sensitivity and appetite.
You can also forgo your own three orgasms every now and then, tell bf it’s ok if he goes first, preferably inside of you, and no further action is needed from him once he does in case he’s worried about it.

@38 Nope, you're not alone. A regular FWB of mine is the same way. He usually says he's a total bottom, but the truth is that his dick is super sensitive and most butts are way too tight for him. He has no issues topping with experienced bottoms who can relax.

Sporty @23: I think you are confusing "dealbreakers" with "price of admission." "Can't come from PIV" is potentially a dealbreaker. "Must come from PIV" is not a price of admission, because it's something one has no control over. A price is something you pay, something you sacrifice. This woman is facing having to sacrifice the experience of an internal orgasm in order to be with this guy. His price of admission is assisting him while he comes manually. Inability to come during PIV may be a dealbreaker for her. You are certainly welcome to insist on any sexual dealbreakers that ruin the sex for you. If I can't have a satisfying sex life with a guy unless he consents to be pegged occasionally (spoiler alert: I can), then I'm entitled to break up with guys who won't. If you can't have a satisfying sex life with women who don't want cum on their faces, likewise. What neither of us can do is expect someone to change the way -they- enjoy sex to meet our preferences.

CMD @50: Another good suggestion. If it's difficult for him to come, he doesn't need to do it every time.

I quite feel for LW, and certainly understand the difficulties of coping with the absence of something that makes one feel attractive.

Cocky @55: Absolutely, her impatience with his taking a while to come is no doubt exacerbating the problem.

Take turns on who gets to come last. It sounds like it's always been him, (the old hetro stereotype that "sex ends when the penis squirts") so he's LONG overdue to get you off a few times after he's spent. No one likes finishing off a partner after they're orgasmed out. Tons of stuff that's sexy as fuck when you're turned on can seem super gross after orgasm. I know that coming simultaneously is awesome, and "the platonic ideal of [hetero] lovemaking" blah blah blah, but when that's not an option (which, to be honest, is going to be most of the time. I'm shocked that ALL your former partners were on the exact same timer as you. That's pretty rare.) one person shouldn't ALWAYS be the one feeling tired and queasy/sore after sex while the other person basks in the afterglow. It's time for him to start coming first at least half the time (or all time for a while, just to even things out.)

IF, that is, you still want to fuck him at all anymore.

Lotsa anecodtes for ya LW, because your letter isn't clear where the real problem lies.

My partner had this problem when we first got together and it was a combination of things other people mentioned. He WAS watching too much porn and beating it too much. When he reduced that, he was able to come from PIV sometimes and in certain positions. That's enough for me.

I think it's reasonable to ask your partner if he'd consider a porn strike and jerking it strike for science. Just to see if it helps him be able to come in you occasionally. Sporty says it can just be the way you're wired, which is totally possible, but there is no harm in eliminating other possible sources, and you've said he jerks it and watches porn.

After that, you've got what you've got, and like other commentators, I pick up on the part where you feel exhausted and like an accessory, and I think it's important that part gets straightened out. It SHOULDN'T require PIV coming to do that, but it may require some serious conversation, and changes of sex habits. I doubt you're rimming him or blowing him to finish EVERY time but I know it can feel like that. When your sex is always kinky to some degree, it can for some people make you feel more prop like than not. You should be able to have loving, vanilla sex sometimes, where you look into each other's eyes, make out, enjoy feeling each other's bodies, etc-- and how or if either of you come shouldn't be part of that particular equation.