Settle a bet, Dan? My dear friend, who worked in an apartment leasing office, was telling me some stories of crazy resident interactions, when she told me this one that I believe was not what she thought.

A married couple came in to pay rent and the wife told her about how they had a long night the night before because they had to go to the emergency room because the husband got his penis stuck in a penis pump. While the wife told the story, the husband stood there clearly embarrassed and gently urging the wife not to tell the story.

I immediately said "That didn't happen to him, but he's into humiliation." I don't even think one can get one's penis stuck in a penis pump. And the implication there is that he has a small penis (or at least one that needs help working), and by telling it to someone they would run into regularly but who wasn't a friend, he could experience that humiliation regularly. I told my friend that she had been made a part of their sexual escapades without her consent, and that Dan Savage would not approve. She was pretty icked out at the prospect, and still wants to believe it was a real story. But I stand by my opinion. What say you, Dan?

Should One Perceive Ulterior Motives? Perhaps Erectile Dysfunction?

A teenage boy in Malaysia somehow managed to get his penis stuck in a drainage pipe—and there's video to prove it. (The video is on the website of a shitty British tabloid, but still: there's video.) A guy in London got his penis stuck in a toaster and a guy in Germany got his penis "stuck in the hole of a 2.5kg dumbbell plate at the gym" and a guy in Hong Kong got his penis stuck in a metal park bench.

Google "penis stuck in" and all sorts of crazy stories pop up—but none of them are about men getting their penises stuck in penis pumps. Because unlike, say, a metal cock ring (which men can and do get their penises stuck in), it's almost comically easy to "free" a penis from a penis pump. (Wanna see one in action? There's a video here, courtesy of Mr. S. Leather.)

Basically an acrylic cylinder slides down over the penis and a pump is used to suck the air of the cylinder, which pulls blood into the dick—so long as the cylinder is tightly seal around the base of the shaft. The Mayo Clinic—the Mayo Motherfucking Clinic—recommends penis pumps as a treatment for, yes, erectile dysfunction, and there's a long list of potential side-effects and complications on their website: bruising, numbness, "feeling of trapped semen," etc. "Hey, you might get the pump stuck on your dick!" doesn't appear on the Mayo Clinic's list of potential complications since that's literally not a thing that could ever happen—getting your dick stuck in a penis pump is not a known risk of using a penis pump.

Which means you're right, SOPUMPED: one cannot get one's penis stuck in a penis pump. Because all you gotta do to get a penis pump off is break the seal, which is an almost comically easy thing to do: simply slide one lubey finger under the base of the acrylic cylinder and—pffssst—the thing falls right off.

Did that couple involve your friend in their kink without her consent? That seems highly likely, SOPUMPED, although it would be impossible to prove beyond any hint of a doubt. Some people might be too stupid to figure out how to remove a penis pump and actually could wind up at the hospital—where they would promptly get laughed out of the ER—and some people overshare generally and general oversharers have been known to genitally overshare.

But if I had to issue a ruling—if I had to settle a bet—I would rule in your favor: those kinksters dragged your friend into their game without her consent. And you're right: I do not approve—I'm not gonna spend all day not approving because, you know, I have other things to do.