Savage Love

Quickies

Comments

1

It's reasonable for someone to be uncomfortable deleting pictures (it's an irreversible, destructive act), and for someone else to be uncomfortable that someone won't delete the pictures (If you don't look at them anymore, why would you still need them?) Of course, if someone is secure in their relationship, why would they worry about artifacts from the past either?

Regardless, PICS should find some free encrypted cloud storage somewhere and move his trophies there, and make sure they're no longer on any of his devices (PC, phone, etc), as his girlfriend WILL find them eventually.

2

The open asshole in porn is likely to be a continuum of the sometimes bigger than average penis or breasts, and hairless genitalia for close ups.

3

@2: I don't think so, CMD. I think a lot of people like the idea of the magic, giant dick (or the whole lot of dicks) "ruining" a sweet, tiny asshole through the violence and prowess and size of said dick or dicks.

4

nocute- I’m sure there are people who like the visuals and the actions you described. My speculation is related to the asshole at hand, the open one that made LW wonder why it’s “a thing” in porn. My assumption is based on other trends I've seen in porn over the years, though admittedly I'm not an anal porn connoisseur.

5

SHAME sounds like a closet case. It really is Hunter's week!

6

When it comes to porn, I think one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to assume there is one, and only one, reason that some seeing some sex act is erotic. @2/CMDWannabe and @3/nocutename both suggest answers that are undoubtedly correct for some anal porn consumers and perhaps all anal port consumers some of the time.

So to this list, I would add what is the other side of the coin for @nocute's response, which is that the anal gape emphasizes the anal bottom's ability to be receptive to anal penetration. This seems to be the focus of one the of big producers of this genre of het porn, who also enjoys deeply rimming his partners. That high degree of openness and ability to accommodate a penis is erotic. Seen that way, anal sex isn't about sexual domination, but there is still an aspect of sexual prowess, only now, on the part of an anal bottom.

In addition, I would note that seeing inside someone's body can be erotic as well, and is why there is porn in which the interior of a woman's vagina is filmed when held open by a speculum.

7

Some people trade nude photos and some people do not, and some people enjoy taking photos of themselves having sex and some people do not. As someone who does these things, it would never occur to me to demand that a future partner delete all her sexual photos, and I would find it off-putting to have a future partner make that demand of me. This may seem like a small and inconsequential request, but I suspect that it actually speaks to a broader level of compatibility around sex.

8

GAPESQ -- I suspect that part of the appeal is the intended male viewers of said porn being all "Yeah, look at how powerful that cock was, that it did that to that ass."

OI -- Dan, you misread the question. The guy wasn't asking "can I mix oil and latex?" He was asking "If I jerk off with oil today, can I use latex tomorrow?"

SAS -- Where do you go? I think you go find a therapist to deal with your shame issues before you try dating a trans woman and dump all of this baggage on her. It's not like you need to advertise the fact that you're only into trans women, but something tells me (your letter, your letter tells me) you need to work some shit out before trying to date one.

9

@8 Yeah, I'd say that was a misread of the timing for OI. Also lamb condoms are oil proof, (although not STD proof). But a highly sensitive feeling IMO.

10

GAPESQ: Perhaps the gaping is just evidence that the asshole has just been fucked. Same as, say, cum dripping out of a hole would be.

Dan: "I'm just thrilled someone out there thinks I'm not 42 yet." I laughed out loud! Thank you for that hilarious start to my day.

I don't think PICS should accommodate this unreasonable request. I think they should archive the pics, tell partner they've archived the pics, and if partner can't accept that PICS has a sexual past then PICS should dump them.

I wonder if SAS is exclusively into trans women because he has a dick fetish? Is he exclusively into non-op trans women? Because if he likes post-op trans women too, I can't understand how they differ so significantly from cis ones that he likes one but not the other. Regardless, Dan is right. There's nothing wrong with liking blondes, there's nothing wrong with liking big dicks, and there's nothing wrong with liking trans women. SAS needs to get over his shame so that he can publicly date women who "just happen to be trans." Because yeah, no self-respecting woman will continue a relationship with someone who's ashamed he digs her. Get some help if need be, SAS.

11

I have an additional question in response to PICS - would his exes be comfortable with him hoarding these photos? Perhaps I'm being very naive but I'd always assumed that the proper etiquette with these things is for both parties to delete any nudes they have when a relationship ends.

12

@8/MythicFox: Oily Inside is a woman, which explains her experiments with cannabinol. Rather than taking it through inhalation or by mouth, she is rubbing it inside her vagina, where it is absorbed into her bloodstream through her vaginal wall. That is probably as effective, if not more so, than doing it though the cheek. Rubbing cannabinol on penis skin would be no more effective than other areas of the body, and less effective than other means. Moreover, any oil residue on a man's penis could be washed off with soap and water, and would not cause any problems. Certainly not the next day.

In addition to the fact that the cannabinol will be absorbed through the vaginal wall, vaginas are self-cleaning, so normal vaginal secretions should remove any additional residue. I would also think that menstruation would act to further flush any residue from her body.

Perhaps OI can perform her own experiments, by wrapping a dildo with a condom, and seeing how they hold up after her vaginal wall is coated with the cannabinol.

13

@11/elscorcho88: Well, for one, you’re making the assumption that PICTS had a relationship with each of these women, or that they even discussed any ground rules before sharing or taking nudes. By way of example, I was providing some dirty talk with a woman a few weeks ago who, unsolicited, and with basically no follow up, sent a number of graphic nude photos of herself. On multiple occasions, I have taken photos during first date sex. Some women like to have copies of the photos, others don’t, and sometimes we see each other again, and sometimes we don’t.

So do you suffer from naïveté? Maybe, because in my experience, the people who take and send graphic nudes don’t really worry about whether or not their photos are saved.

14

@8 MythicFox
"He was asking "If I jerk off with oil today, can I use latex tomorrow?""

I felt like "soap and water" had a place somewhere in the answer to the deceptively cryptic question.

15

Sublime @13, yeah, I figure the people who would have a problem with exes saving nude photos of them are the people who wouldn't allow such photos to be taken in the first place.

16

Am I the only one who thinks that saving nude pictures of exes is a little gross? The most benign reason to keep them is so that you can look at your naked ex while you rub one out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating to the memory of an ex, but somehow keeping the pictures adds an element of icky voyeurism.

Also, it’s not surprising that someone may not like a partner to keep such pictures. Much more than the occasional walk down memory lane, it implies a hedging of sexual bets, or maybe even a carrying of the sexual torch. Like with flirting, the person doing it will usually see it as much more harmless than their partner.

That said, the PICTS should keep the nudes if it’s that important to have an ex spank bank. But don’t lie about it! How many letters does Dan get where someone’s secret pics were found by their partner?

17

He/she @16, I'd say wanking over photos of exes is the LEAST benign purpose for which one might keep them. I'd say the most benign reason to keep them would be simply that they are memories, part of one's past. When one is old, one might want to look back with fondness at photos of hot young people one has bedded in one's time. And even when one is middle aged, they're just keepsakes. Why should anyone be expected to destroy mementos, even if those mementos are just sitting in a box collecting dust, but you just can't bear to throw them away? I'd look similarly askance at a partner who moved in with me, found this old dust-collecting box, and demanded I throw it away because it didn't involve him or her.

At any rate, I find the idea of being jealous of one's partner's exes far more gross than the idea that one might wank to those exes when one is single. (And if one is dating someone insecure enough to demand one gets rid of old naughty photos, one is bound to find oneself single again soon enough.)

18

(Okay, the least benign purpose would be blackmail, but you get my point.)

19

@BiDanFan if it'd just a keepsake of a relationship, surely one could keep a photo(s) of an ex where they are not naked! No one who is over the relationship keeps many photos of an ex.

Put it this way, if the keepsakes were pairs of used panties, would that be any different? “Why do you have all these used panties of your exes?” “Oh, they’re keepsakes?” “Keepsakes of what?” “Of us fucking” “Why do you need keepsakes of you fucking?” “To remember all the fucking we did - the panties help me remember.” If it seems ridiculous, it’s because it is.

I just don’t think people keep nudes so they can sigh gently over them in their old age. They keep them for sexual fantasy (mostly benign) and/or or because it gives them a psychological power (“we may be broken up but I can still strip you naked” - gross) and/or as a sort of bedpost notching ("look at all the people I've fucked" - less gross but a little dehumanizing). I agree that blackmail or revenge porn is the worst.

My opinion is not based much on a jealous partner’s objections—that seems immature to me, particularly in the “dusty old box” scenario. If the nude hoarding partner credibly says it’s over and they’re happy in the relationship, don’t worry about it! And who among us hasn’t jerked it to an old flame?

But where someone constantly looks at nudes of their exes, there may be a larger problem with the relationship.

20

He/she @19, "bedpost notching" is probably the closest I would come to what I assume would be the motivation in keeping the old photos. But I'd flip it around and ask you, what would be the motivation for deleting them? Deleting photos takes time and effort; surely the default course of action would be to not delete.

I agree if someone is "constantly looking" at the photos, there's a problem, but there's no evidence that PICS is doing this. Their current flame is just insecure -- and has admitted as much. That's not justification to delete the photos. If PICS starts taking actions purely to assuage this person's insecurity, where will it end? Today it's delete some photos. Tomorrow it's delete your exes on Facebook. Next week it's don't talk to your opposite-sex friends. PICS isn't the one who's behaving unreasonably, the partner is.

And as you say, who hasn't jerked it to memories of an ex? Deleting the photos won't stop PICS from doing this, if exes are what's popping into their fantasies. Mx PICS needs to get over themself.

22

@20 There’s a difference between not bothering to delete photos and keeping them for a reason. It seems clear to me that for the LW it’s the latter. Otherwise, LW wouldn’t have a problem taking (at most?) 20 minutes and deleting them. There’s no indication that their partner is otherwise controlling, so I don’t think we should use a slippery slope argument. A partner should be allowed to request that their SO not go on, say, overnight trips with an ex without it being equated with abusive behavior.

You and I are obviously not on the same page about whether a person should purposefully keep nude photos of exes. Based on the letter, I don’t think that the partner has a good reason to be jealous, but the LW also seems kind of dismissive of the partner’s concerns (there’s a “they have no right to even ask” vibe), so maybe there’s a communication issue.

23

@ 22 - There is indeed a “they have no right to even ask” vibe because, for a lot of people, the new partner really doesn't have a right to even ask. Count me among these. That one request would mean the end of the relationship for me, because as I have experienced in the past (in my own relationships and others), it is almost systematically the start of a slippery slope.

People should work on their own insecurities before getting into a relationship, and never expect their SOs to yield to them in order to make them happy. That's childish. Not imposing you insecurities on your partner is, in my not so humble opinion, a major part of being in good working order, which Dan has repeatedly advocated.

24

@16/19/22/He/she/themdidwhat???: My sense is that you don't trade nude photos with partners and friends, and that you have a negative view of this behavior and the people who do so. It is fine that you don't do this, but then you're really not in any position to opine on why people engage in the behavior, or why people are motivated to keep erotic photos of past sex partners.

What seems all the more strange is that having heard some of the reasons that people who save these images do so, you have gone on to call such reasons ridiculous, and then decided that your own unsupported beliefs are accurate.

25

He/she @22, no, we're not on the same page at all. I could ask, what harm is it doing for PICS to keep these photos? They've said they don't look at them regularly, which seems to be the thing you're objecting to, and it's not happening. Keeping photos for memories' sake is nothing whatsoever like going on an overnight trip with an ex. This person, indeed, has no right to even ask that PICS delete photos from his past. Their concern should be dismissed, and if the new partner insists, so should they.

26

Answer #3 ('only pretend to delete the pics') was too Jesuitical for my tastes. Answer #1 was Jesuitical in a good sense, in being knowledgeable. I was pleased the compassionate tone had come back by the last answer.

With SAS, for whom I feel ... well, I doubt he will 'get there in one'--doubt that his very first relationship will be a loving, possibly longterm connection with a transwoman. I think it's more likely he will have to go through a series of experiences, try-outs, almost, with a range of women ... being a match in interests or temperament with one, but having no sexual chemistry; being into another, but finding her demands or personality or values offputting; being in the right place, wrong time or at the right time but in the wrong time with another. Indeed, it's much better that he learn about himself, and learn to be a sensitive, reasonable, self-respecting partner, by having to back out or call it a day a few times, than he grab (fearfully, in his 30s) the first relationship that comes along and try to make it work, in the spirit of believing it his only chance.

I'm not sure dating has to be his only goal for now; rather, make friends, get out and meet people, do the group activity you've always wanted, make the difference in the community you've always believed in. And don't beat yourself up over your being drawn to transwomen. As you become more confident in every setting, better at dealing with, flirting and having fun with women generally, you may find yourself gravitating to transwomen--because that's where your real sexual interest is. Whether you do or don't, you feel your penchant as an addiction now (probably) because you're not actively, enthusiastically dating women, period. Address this, and perhaps the shame of your penchant for trans also goes.

27

My question about PICS is how their partner even knows about those old photos. I have old hard drives lying around that might still have some old images of exes that would be a hassle to connect and go through to find and delete any dirty images on, but because they're old and a hassle to connect it's not like anybody would see them to know what's on them.

I guess it's conceivable that PICS's partner asked unprompted about any mementos of past relationships and is now throwing a jealous snit, in which case that is troubling and would be a reason to step way back. It's also possible - and in my experience, more likely - that these images became a problem after the partner saw one which runs counter to the idea that the photos are hidden away in a dusty old box in the attic. If sexy mementos of past relationships are lying around somewhere that I could reasonably come across them, that would absolutely irk me. And the fact that they were lying around somewhere I could reasonably see them would make me skeptical if you insisted on stuffing them into the basement or a storage locker somewhere instead of tossing them out.

28

@19. He/She. I think you--you personally--should ask your exes on breakup to delete old sexy pics of you. You feel they're holding onto them in a power game--somehow demeaning you, or stripping you of autonomy, or perhaps reducing the richness or complexity of your past to the mechanics of sex. In these circumstances, it's a reasonable ask, and, with goodwill, something that could be negotiated--your ex, say, keeping just one beach shot of you together, or mildly eroticised pose of you in your underwear.

The reasons you postulate for holding onto sexy shots of exes (continued emotional attachment; continued sexual commitment; desire to maintain a posture of psychosexual mastery) are not, I would say, the reasons people usually hold onto them. They are keepsakes of a happy time--no more. The demand to delete them is no more reasonable than the demand to ditch shots of a bf (?) and his (?) former partner having just climbed a mountain, say, or finger-painting with third-graders on holiday, or in front of the Great Pyramid of Giza.

30

"Why is the gaping asshole so popular?"

(On first reading I wondered if I could construct a Trump joke to answer this.)

Maybe it's purely about 'seeing inside where they want to be' and as such could be as well achieved with a speculum as from sex. I know I very much like the way the inside of pussies look.

I've never seen porn show the inside of someone's mouth, but maybe that's just because that view is common.

31

Dadddy @ 29 - Just do a search on "Rosebud" on Xtube (male/male). It is.

32

Harriet @26, the letter read to me as if he had had "try-outs" with a few women ("I've never had a serious relationship," not "I've never had a relationship"), but because he didn't fall in love with them (right away?), he wasn't willing to date them publicly, and understandably the women balked. He's putting the cart before the horse by saying that if he fell in love, he would "come out" about being into the particular trans woman he was dating, when what he really needs to do is treat his dates like people and not like fetish objects, date them openly, and see if love develops.

ChiTodd @27, it sounds like the partner doesn't know-know about the photos, they just assumed PICS would have some: "My significant other wants me to delete -ANY- NSFW pictures of my exes." So it sounds like your "conceivable" scenario is the likelier one; perhaps pics of exes were an issue in this person's last relationship, so they want to lay down that boundary now.

Harriet @28, I highly doubt anyone has taken sexy photos of He/She or He/She of them, since they sound so disapproving of such photos generally. And that's absolutely fine; one is entitled to opt out of photos that risk being retained by exes, or possibly even shared with third parties (such as a new partner who stumbles across or is shown them) if that squicks one. What is not okay is to try to dictate one's partner's approach to nude photos that do not involve oneself. It sounds like privacy is important to He/She, but PICS's partner is not respecting PICS's privacy by asking them if they've got any sexy photos of exes and if so, to delete them.

33

Curious @30: ROFL! "Why is the gaping asshole so popular" sounds like a question about Trump, indeed. Thanks for the second laugh of the day from this column.

34

I've sent and received nudes, and the ones I put out in the world were a gift to the recipient to do with as they would. But the nudes and sex pics I own I used exclusively for porn and it's hard to imagine looking at them platonically "for the memories." Clearly, not everyone here agrees, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

But imagine that PICs isn't as stealthy as he thinks he is, and his girlfriend uncovers the stash that he told her he deleted. Now she knows for a fact that there was something shady in wanting to keep them, otherwise he wouldn't have lied about it. Unless he really does intend to lock them away never to be seen again, in which case what's the difference between just deleting them? It's infantilizing to decide what someone "ought" to be upset about when it comes to looking at your exes naked.

35

To be clear, I'm not saying either is in the right, just that if they can't talk this through like adults they shouldn't be in a relationship. A lie over something like this is just putting a timer on a future break up.

36

I agree with @12 SublimeAfterglow that the last letter is from a woman, or from somebody using oil-based lube on toys used internally. It sure seems like "wash your dick and surrounding business with soap until it doesn't feel oily anymore and only then put on the latex condom" would be a good enough answer. If somebody is using oil internally where you can't (shouldn't!!) wash with soap and water, it's harder to know when it's ok for latex.

I wish the condom expert had answered the question. I'm going to say 12 hours, or longer if it still feels oily.

37

I don't understand the "Gaping Asshole" thing either, but I suspect it's popular in porn for two reasons:
1, is it highlights how fucking massive the cock was and how tight the asshole used to be and
2, kinda like deer hunting, you shoot the deer and put it's head right in the living room for everyone to see.

re: PICS: There are plenty of downsides (you could donate those computers to a school, not knowing that even formatting that hard drives doesn't make those images unrecoverable, a mildly interested teenager could easily recover them), and it sounds like no upside. If you don't want to look at them, delete them. If you DO like looking at them, be real about that. Everyone has exes, most people had at least 1 enjoyable sexual encounter before they were with their current person, just be real. With any luck, someone out there is wishing they had pics of their time with you, too.

SAS - Dan, you seem to have misread the letter. The dude is keeping his own desires secret but said he wouldn't keep his relationship secret, but that's all you focused on, and gave him nothing to work with going forward. Not sure why this letter was selected, I don't know what LW or the rest of us reading can possible learn/gain from it.

38

If SAS only ever had things for redheads, he would most likely have no problem going out in public for early dates (most of us go to restaurants or movie theaters long before we fall for someone and the relationship gets serious), and I don't think he'd refer to it as shameful and an addiction. If he's willing and able to treat t-girls the same way that your average normal guy treats your average normal girl, I don't think most of the gals would mind overmuch if he had a type. The fact that he considers it a shameful addiction makes me think those attitudes come out when he approaches and dates the girls he does.

It is a softball letter. The answer does boil down to "stop thinking of/treating trans girls any differently than you would any other girls, and work on whatever hangups you've inflicted on yourself." But every now and then Dan can allow himself a softball letter to remind people to stop getting inside their own heads in ways that can feel squicky for whoever they're interested in.

41

Valerie Cherish? I think I just fell in love with Dan all over again!

42

@1 biggie: WA-HOOOO!!!! Congrats on being "FIRDT" this week. Savor the SL honors. :)
@23 Ricardo: Welcome back and Happy 2020, mi amigo! You were greatly missed.:)

Thanks, Dan the Man, for another round of Quickies, and Joe, for another superb graphic.. Griz has some serious catching up in LWs, responses, and comments to do. :)

43

Whenever I hear mention of Rosebud, I think of Berkeley Breathed's Jack-Bassalope (jackrabbit / basset hound hybrid) character from Bloom County. DonnyKlicious? Any comments?

Gaping asshole. .......................eek.

44

I’ve noticed the trend of the gaping asshole in gay porn over the past few years. I find it totally gross, like something is going to fall out any moment. Complete turn-off, especially if the guy is hot.

45

Hey, SHAME: I'm way past 42, too, and not in diaper yet, either.
Dan the Man--I love you! Keep on rocking the HOUSE!

If my ex was severely kicked in the nuts would he qualify as a gaping asshole (I'm leaving the honors to his latest wife / girlfriend / victim)?

46

I certainly wouldn't want to see the insides of the gaping asshole illegally occupying the White Trash House. Both of its ends are full of shit.
Somebody call Roto-Rooter!!!

47

I love the letter from SHAME. Clearly a couple 15 year old boys sitting around stoned, deciding to compose a letter to try and rile us fags. So cute, so telling, so childish. And I just know that one of them has a crush on the other but is just so tormented by it. Poor kids.

49

@32. Bi. SAS's letter read to me as if he was all at sea, and had very little experience dating. I thought he might be one of those persons who's not a technical virgin--because most everyone has some bumbling experience in college, or late adolescence--but who after that has found it hard to meet someone. Why would his interest in transwomen feel like an 'addiction' to him? Because at the moment it's only a fantasy; he doesn't know any transwomen (presumably). But it seems as if it goes further than this for me: he isn't getting out and about and mixing with the gender he's attracted to. Perhaps. So the trans thing seems pervy or fetishising to him.

I thought he had a genuinely naive belief that you dated and had sex with someone when you were in love with them--rather than when you found them hot, or when the opportunity arose and you wanted sex (and, of course, then treated them decently). There's the rather strange exordium to his letter about loving the 'taste' of a woman. It may be you took this as evidence SAS was sleeping with women, but hadn't gotten emotionally involved. I took it just as his way of asserting, in view of his desire for transwomen, that he wasn't gay.

I agree with you in what he should do (date people openly). I'm not sure it's something he's close to doing.

50

@34. Baby Rae. He/she asked 'am I the only one that thinks...?'--and I'm glad that someone else has chipped in and thinks something like her (I'm guessing 'her').

For me, any happy sexual memory I'd have of an ex is overlaid by less pleasant memories of our bad or end-times, of whatever it was that caused the relationship to fail--that awful argument in the parking lot; the crestfallen ashamed expression on his face when I caught him out cheating; the time I called him an imbecile and a hypocrite, etc. For this reason, these shots wouldn't be my go-to wankbank material. They mean something else. For one thing, they're worth keeping because I'm the person getting fucked in them--they confirm my sense I'm desirable, or can feel achievement, or gratification in achievement, in sex. But for the most part they're just happy memories.

51

@38. ChiTodd. The 'addiction' is presumably jerking off to transwomen, then feeling spoiled for any ordinary, or ordinarily humanly awkward, interaction with a ciswoman.

52

Baby @34-@35, I agree that two wrongs don't make a right and PICS should not lie and say they deleted the pics. (I've been using gender neutral pronouns throughout, but it is 90+% likely PICS is male and the partner female.)

Ankyl @36: I'm going to say 90+% likely on the gender guess here too, although it could be a man putting CBD lube on butt toys.

And while we are guessing genders, I'm going with male for He/She/Themdidwhat?? It's not a typical male attitude toward sexy pics, but I've never heard a woman use the phrase "jerk it" (@19) to refer to their masturbation. Doesn't really matter though, aside from OI whose answer may different depending on whether it's oil in her vagina versus oil in his butt.

Griz @43, and I think of Citizen Kane.

Harriet @49, substitute "obsession" with "addiction." You later answer your own question: the addiction is to trans women porn. Exclusively wanking to trans women porn does not mean he has never dated any real-life trans women, or that his narrow masturbatory preferences have "spoiled him" for real-life interactions. It just means that every time he watches porn, every time he fantasises, every time he searches Tinder or Fetlife or the late great Craigslist, trans women are what he zeroes in on. Indeed, if he had never dated any women, how would he know what they smell and feel like? He's employing a preferred strategy of: meet woman, date woman, fall in love with woman, then risk embarrassment by revealing to family and friends he's dating a trans woman, and never gets to Step 4 because the woman bolts due to his shitty attitude before they can get to Step 3.

53

Or more accurately, he himself sabotages the relationship before it gets to Step 3 because he doesn't want to risk having to put his money where his mouth is on Step 4.

54

@52. Bi. I don't think this guy has had any sex, of any sort, in, say, the last three years. He's maybe kissed at the end of a date, or thought things with someone were going further--but I don't see evidence of more. If he has had sex with women, but pulled out of a relationship because 1) he wasn't in lu-u--urve, and 2) he had a hankering for transwomen, then the advice to give would be easy: 'start dating TSs exclusively'.

But I don't think he's at that stage yet.

One thing he sort-of expects Dan to say (among others, and as I read it) is 'wean yourself off your addiction to transwomen--the idea of having sex with them, and using them to jerk off to--and date a broad range of women'. (I've roughly said that. But I'm not prepared to say it categorically or decisively, in that it may be that the class of people to whom he is most intensely attracted are transwomen quite restrictively).

55

Harriet @54, the women I am talking about in my post @52 are trans women. He is not attracted to cis ones so why would he be dating them?
Aside from that your post is 100% made up, so there's no point in responding.

56

Except to say that no, I would not advise him to date women he's not attracted to (cis ones). What good could possibly come of that?

57

@52 BiDanFan: Yes--I also think of Citizen Kane, starring Orson Welles. But I like to think of cartoon characters, too. Berkeley Breathed provides some excellent comic relief.

58

Haha--after an evening of John Hughes classics (Ferris Bueller's Day Off and The Breakfast Club) It's January 9th, after 2:30 am, Griz is "comfortably numb" and zero typos!
To quote UB40: Red, red wiiiiiiine....stay close to meeeeee.........

59

Who's up for this week's Lucky @69 Award? Tick...tick...tick...

60

Has anyone heard from LavaGirl? I pray for Australia.

61

I guess I’ll answer my own question (@16) and say that yes, I’m (mostly) the only one who thinks that keeping nude pictures of an ex is a little gross. :)

But I’ll refine that statement to say that I don’t judge others who do. When I’ve had break ups it’s always made me uncomfortable to keep intimate pictures of the ex, and I’ve also been concerned that those pictures might get hacked or unintentionally shared with a third party. (I once accidentally showed an extremely intimate nude of a current partner to someone else, and it was mortifying). So it just makes me feel better to delete them. I don’t ask former partners to delete my nudes, I just expect and assume that they keep them private, and I’ve never asked a current partner to delete nudes of their exes.

Also, since I share nudes with current love interests myself, I certainly don’t judge anyone who does (I assume most people do?) @BiDanFan. I guess, like @34BabyRae I just assumed that nudes are usually kept (if they’re kept intentionally rather than through inertia) for the same reason they’re shared, for titillation. It seems that’s not the case for many of you! Good to know, and I’ll adjust my perspective accordingly.

And yes, I’m a cis man, and I also suspect the LW is, although I’ve been using gender neutral phrasing for them. In my defense, before “jack it” I wrote “rub one out” :)

As for some of the other comments, I’ve written all along that (based on the details in the letter) the LW should keep the pictures if they wanted to, and that the partner was not justified in asking for deletion. I just think in any committed relationship people ask things of each other they don’t have a right to, and that should be ok as long as (1) the requests aren’t coercive or abusive and (2) the requesting partner is willing to accept no.

(In my mind these types of requests fall along a continuum: justified - reasonable - irrational - coercive - abusive)

So I don’t think the LW’s partner is necessarily coercive or abusive in making this request, they are probably just experiencing the very human (if immature) emotion of irrational jealousy.

62

A difficulty with lies to keep the peace is that, even if they're essentially irrelevant in themselves, they tend to multiply and produce tyrants.

63

@48 "petgirl" is pretty self-explanatory, and not nearly as shocking as you think it is if you think it's a reasonable counter to an anal prolapse becoming normalized in "vanilla" porn.

64

He/she @61, "rub one out" is another term you used that is inconsistent with female masturbation. Unless, I suppose, one is a squirter? :)

Your continuum of requests makes a lot of sense, though coercive and abusive strike me as the same thing. I guess I agree with you that if PICS goes back to their partner and tells them that yes, they do have some NSFW photos of exes, that they don't look at them, but they're not going to delete them due to their sentimental value, and the partner says well I'm not happy about that but I respect your decision, then all is well. If partner insists, red flag. And I agree that it is only human to experience irrational jealousy. What's mature versus not is how one handles it -- and asking someone to go through their hard drives and delete old photos is not the mature way to handle it.

65

Baby @63, gaping and prolapsed are definitely not the same thing!

66

@64BiDanFan although “rub one out” is a term that definitely applies to all genders, don’t women rub while masturbating? That’s been my observation, both in person and in porn. Penetrative sex toys are another means of female masturbation, as are vibrators (obviously), but clitoral stimulation by hand through rubbing seems pretty common to me.

It’s also a sad fact that many common euphemisms for masturbation are male gendered.

67

He/she @66, yes we rub, but "one" (load) does not come "out." If the term were, say, "rub off" then it would be anatomically accurate!

68

@67 got it!

69

If you're looking for a unisex euphemism for masturbating, "wank" or "have a wank" works for me.

70

Griz @ 42 - Thank you. Glad to be back. Sometimes life events end up taking all of your time, but I'm never really far away, just not commenting.

@ 45 - Thanks for the gaping asshole joke, you made my morning.

Dadddy @ 48 - Done. I'm with BabyRae @ 63, there's really nothing shocking or even merely surprising there. Now have a great time on your rosebud search. If you thought Petgirls was somehow extreme, you're in for quite a surprise.

72

Dadddy @ 71 - You were right, it didn't appeal to my tastes in any respect, but the last time I was shocked by porn was in 1990, when I visited Hamburg's red light district. Nothing like "caviar" porn and Jund und Frei magazine to make you feel like you've got vanilla tastes (and that's coming from a guy who enjoys watersports and fisting - although not to the point of prolapse).

73

I meant Jung und Frei, sorry for the typo. And actually, sorry for having mentioned it. It was a horrible magazine published by a horrible person for horrible people (and completely tolerated in Germany for many, many years).

75

SAS is a mess. He appears to hate himself, trans women, gay men (because he asserts so many times that he’s straight), and possibly also cis women (can you say honestly you love the female body if you only love <1% of the female bodies out there?). He is in no shape to be dating.

76

@69 BiDanFan: WA-HOOOO!!! Major congratulations on scoring this week's Lucky @69 Award! Bask in the highly envied SL glory. :)
@70 Ricardo: It's wonderful to have you back and commenting. :)

77

It’s very likely to be a not-so-good idea to watch the following videos during lunch break while using a company computer:

petgirl video
1- Her Life as a Pet from Petgirls
Based on credits and scenery shot just north of Savageville on someone’s assumed secluded back yard.
F/f domination and pethood (some mild M/f towards the end), low budget, semi pro yet creative, possibly authentic to some degree (Added Value Boner ™), no “real” sex: https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=640409311

Just do a search on "Rosebud" on Xtube (male/male). It is.
2- Pumping and fisting my rosebud
Impressive and supposedly enjoyable action, based on soundtrack, yet lacking in plot and context:
https://www.xtube.com/video-watch/pumping-and-fisting-my-rosebud-4248775

3- Sling rosebud ffun
Harder core, ass-orted enjoyable by all action, still no plot nor context:
https://www.xtube.com/video-watch/sling-rosebud-ffun-42468971

78

Correct link to #2:
https://www.xtube.com/video-watch/pumping-and-fisting-my-rosebud-42487751

79

@70 Ricardo (re my comment @45): I'm glad to be of amusement--as well as long rid of my ex. :)

80

On to the Big Hunsky! Tick...tick...tick...

81

Ricardo @73 I understand from Wikipedia (https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jung_%26_Frei) that Jung und Frei (1987-1997) is forbidden in Germany (since 1997) but not in the US. Apparently the "United States Court Of Appeals For The Third Circuit" classified it not as child porn but as "normal illustrations of nudism".

82

It originated from trends in Italian and French porn, and evolved from there. A good tasteful gape classic is the old Camilla Krabbe scene from Dirty Men at Work.

83

Thank you, Griz @76! Appropriate subject matter for the lucky 69, too.
My Wikipedia isn't even giving me an entry for Jung und Frei, but it translates as "young and free" so I can guess at its contents.

84

@55. Bi. He says he's 'struggling', sends out an 'SOS', has never been in a serious relationship, worries he's incapable of love and seems to believe that one needs to be in love to be in a relationship. These aren't indications of much relationship experience to me.

You seem to think he 1) dates or has sex with transwomen, 2) but doesn't fall in love with them, so 3) isn't public about the relationships. If these are the facts, I agree with everything you've said. He's doing it all wrong. He needs to be public about his preferential object-choice in order to treat the women he meets--just meets--with respect.

85

Harriet @84, that's not what I seem to think, it's what I literally said. He says he's "struggling" (because he is ashamed he's attracted only to trans women), sends out an "SOS" (because he wants to come to terms with his attraction to trans women), has never been in a serious relationship (not "a relationship" -- a few dates/months is not a serious relationship), worries he's incapable of love (because he hasn't fallen in love after those few dates/months, and his shame gets in the way), and seems to believe... well, that he'll fall in love after a few dates and that this will magically make his shame disappear. In other words, none of the facts you cite is inconsistent with my interpretation. No, he doesn't have "much relationship experience," but he may well have "hookup experience" or "casual dating" experience, yes? That's what I see -- an inability to take fledgling relationships to the next level, not a history of celibacy.

86

I'd like to note that Dan also interpreted SAS (not SOS)'s letter as that he's secretly dating trans women, who are leaving when they suss that he's ashamed of them and won't take them out on proper, public dates. Perhaps Dan's interpretation influenced mine but it makes complete sense.

87

@86. Bi. Oh, I at once concede you and Dan are quite coincident in your construction of the facts. The confusion (maybe?) is over 'I'm into' and 'I'm exclusively into trans women'. You're maybe taking this as 'they're the only people I have sex with', while for me, he's 'into' them in the sense someone is 'into' Minecraft or makeover shows.

88

Harriet @87, you're splitting hairs now. I think the confusion is that you are skipping past the word "serious" in the phrase "I've never had a serious relationship." At any rate, regardless of his experience or lack thereof, the solution is that he needs to stop feeling shame over being exclusively attracted to trans women and start pursuing them as if they are human beings rather than guilty pleasures. Then the love he is seeking may follow. Correct?

89

I like how SAS is in denial, he stresses that's he's straight, loves a woman's body but likes cock too! If he's into trans-women he's not straight, he's got a lot of issues there.

90

Dashing @89, SAS never mentions cock (he does not specify whether he likes non-op or post-op trans women). Trans women are women. SAS may have issues but so do you.

91

Dadddy @ 74 - The FBI has no jurisdiction where I live. Luckily, since I often do searches for work about topics that would land me in hot water (I translated three documentaries on Middle East terrorists in the last two years, for instance).

Besides, if what R.E. says @ 81 is true (and I have no reasons to doubt it), then they wouldn't because of the legal precedent, would they?

CMD @ 77 - "lacking in plot and context"

Hilarious. Reminds me of a Pierre Palmade bit (a French stand-up comedian), where he pretended he had no understanding of what porn is and analyzed it as a real movie: "That's just not credible!" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJU_E0P9HWE, for those of you who speak French)

Griz @ 79 - "I'm glad to be... long rid of my ex"

Also a shared sentiment. Aren't we so much fucking better without them?

RE @ 81 - I'm talking late 80s, early 90s. I am aware that it's now forbidden in Germany (note that my sentence was in the past tense), but in those days, you could find it in just about any news kiosk on the street. I didn't know about the US, though, so thanks for that info.

92

Gee, with comments like Dashing @89's, I wonder why SAS is feeling shame around his preference for trans women.

93

@91 Ricardo: We truly are better off, aren't we? The last time I heard from my ex was via Facebook photos and a text message. Apparently he figured that if there was another woman visibly smiling in the picture I'd get all bent out of shape and desperately want him back (as IF!). All I could feel was truly sorry for her---and any children she may have had with him. He's married again twice since our divorce. My guess is that the most recent message was in hopes i'd compassionately help him out financially with his ex #2--especially if they'd had children.
He was the type who believed he was such a great catch, no matter how damagingly abusive (like a scorching case of herpes).
I would not still be alive today if I had stayed with him any longer than the nine years of our disastrous marriage. Luckily I have not heard my ex since.

94

Ricardo- the petgirl video was cute since it had a “set” and you could see faces assume attempted acting and “plot”.
From a cinematic POV the asshole-hand close ups were isolated and felt “cold.” The approving moaning gave it some human warmth though facial expressions and full body shots would enhance the viewing experience and help put things in context.
Heroic acts by all participants regardless.

As for reviews out of context I’m reminded of a hilarious piece I read as a teenager, a visit to the dentist as a restaurant review. It detailed the skin texture of the dentist’s hands, no latex gloves back then, the unfolding flavors of the filling, complexity of the mouth rinse water, relative cost for two, and so on.

95

Rosebud makes me think of the Columbo case How to Dial a Murder.

98

I strongly endorse polyisopropene condoms (e.g. Lifestyles Skyn).

And on a note that's only related because it's always relevant: end the fucking empire.

99

@8: You misread the question or response, assuming "Oil Inside" was LW's signoff and not an editorial addition - OI is using oil lube for inserting things (hands/toys) inside zirself and wondering how long ze needs to wait before doing penile insertion with latex condoms so the condoms aren't potentially degraded to the point of breaking or allowing passage of pathogens witgout fully rupturing (if it wasn't for insertion, the answer would be, "as soon as you wash with soap," but washing oil out of an orifice, especially one with a tight sphincter, is not nearly as easy as washing it off of an appendage). The best option is to not use latex condoms for penile insertion so that it doesn't matter. That said, it's not like latex instantly melts when it comes into contact with any oil, so most people are probably fine most of the time after their next bowel movement, even more so after douching with soapy water. But to minimize risk, don't use latex condoms for sex with an orifice where you ever use oil lube.

100

Griz?

101

@100: WA_HOOOOOO!!!!! Big Hunsky for Griz! It's a good night for movies and I'm ready to savor my blessings and good fortune. :)

@37: Have you ever gotten a swift kick in the nuts, Sporty?

102

Dadddy @96, I've always found "close-ups" the most off-putting thing about porn. Vulgar and dehumanising. It's called "bumping uglies" for a reason. However, they're so ubiquitous they must appeal to some. I had an ex who said he preferred close-ups, the reason being that seeing the person's face felt like he was exploiting and objectifying a person. For the same reason, he said he preferred porn to fantasising about acquaintances, like he was disrespecting someone by wanking to them. People are weird, aren't they?

John @99, thank you for the detailed explanation. Women should never douche with soapy water, though -- which would have been an easy answer to (presumed female) OI's question.

Griz @100, congrats on the hunsky!

103

Griz @ 93 - "He was the type who believed he was such a great catch, no matter how damagingly abusive (like a scorching case of herpes)."

Been there. They always do think they're a great catch, don't they? And then they become all pitiful, pathetically trying to hang on to their partner (or get their attention back, as you describe) when said partner decides they no longer believe that delusion, showing everyone who was the actual catch in the relationship, and who is the total loser.

CMD @ 94/Dadddy @ 96/BDF @ 102 - Unfortunately, for many people (I would dare say for many men), a hole, any hole, is enough of a context.

104

Ms Fan - Perhaps it was, let's say, an exchange of professional courtesy.

105

@102 BiDanFan: Many thanks. The golden opportunity to snag this week's Big Hunsky was there and I couldn't help myself. :) If we should get that far, you or someone else should get the Double Whammy (Lucky @69 + Big Hunsky @100 = @169) Award. :)
@103 Ricardo: Agreed and seconded. Abusers like my ex, Trumpty Dumpty, Babyface Kavanaugh, and Harvey Weinstein ad nauseum so frequently claim themselves the victims, forever wrongly accusing those they have violated. That's the most criminally insane part of all.
I'm so grateful that I never had kids with my ex---despite the horrific pressure, shaming, and threats. We have been able to go our separate ways. While I am disappointed that I could not prevent him from conceiving children with other women, I am grateful to have realized that I could only save myself.

106

Griz - "I am grateful to have realized that I could only save myself"

And that's plenty enough to be grateful for, as it is the most important thing in such situations.

107

@106 Ricardo: Agreed and seconded. I, indeed, have lived on to tell the tale and write the music.

109

@108 Hunter78
"I love the close-ups."

Of course. I bet you'd like for it to be possible to, um, 'collect' disembodied genitalia (that would remain functional) for you to use at home.

110

Curious @ 109 - Sex shops are full of (fake) disembodied genitalia, and they seem rather popular. Personally, I sometimes feel like a freak for not being into dildos, fleshlights etc. So I think it's safe to say that "I bet you'd like for it to be possible to, um, 'collect' disembodied genitalia (that would remain functional) for you to use at home" would be true of many, many people.