My husband and I got married in August of 2019 and we were together for over five years before getting married. Iâm very happy and love him with all my heart. I want to have his kids and support his entrepreneurial efforts as he supports mine. We donât fight, we just have some tiffs here and there. The kicker is that I have a tough time feeling him during sex and he doesnât last as long as I would like him to. Weâre adventurous enough to try different things, i.e. toys and different positions, but I find myself sexually unfulfilled. He also isnât very willing/interested in going down on me, in fact he has not once gone down on me. Iâm also finding myself attracted to and fantasizing about other men. In addition to being honest with my husband, I donât know what the solution is. Iâm not opposed...
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Married Not Dead
P.S. I hope you, your family, and your friends are holding up ok during this pandemic. Itâs a scary time so I hope youâre all ok.
I shared your letter with Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Through her books, lectures, and podcasts (âSex Out Loud Radioâ), Taormino has helped countless couples navigate the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. But before we dive into the specifics of your situation, MND, thereâs something Taormino and I want to make clear to all.
âIn this time of a global pandemic, thinking and talking about non-monogamy is all you can do right now,â said Taormino. âThis goes for everyone: no new sex partners until public health experts say we can go back to standing closer than six feet apart. Even then, weâre going to have to proceed with caution.â Listen up, people: the woman who literally wrote the book on open relationships says open and poly relationships are cancelled for the time being. âYup, cancelled,â said Taormino, âunless every one of your partners lives with you.â
While COVID-19 isnât classified as a sexually transmitted infection (STI), having sex with someone who has coronavirus would almost certainly result in transmission. And since people who get infected typically donât show symptoms for up to two weeks, the fact that someone appears to be healthy doesnât mean they are corona-free. Someone can look and feel great and be both infected and infectious. So for the time being we should only be having sex with a sex partner we live with. If you have more than one sex partner and youâre all staying in the same place, great! Poly isnât cancelled for you and your partners. But we shouldnât be hooking up with new partners in person or going to see established partners we donât live with. That goes double for meeting up with non-cohabitating partners who have other partners and whose other partners have other partners of their own. But the good news is that sext messages and dirty video chats are both allowed and encouraged, kids, so we can get off online with new people as well as established partners who live on the other side of town or the other side of the world. Hell, get the whole polycule together on Zoomâjust donât actually get together (or get under) anyone you donât live with.
Okay! With that out of the way, MND, weâre going to answer your question. But bear in mind that some of our adviceâour advice about opening up your marriageâwonât be fully actionable until after COVID-19 is brought under control.
âIâm glad MND is being honest with her husband about her desires, but letâs take that further with even more specific talk about whatâs missing in her sex life,â said Taormino. âIn her letter, I heard: pussyeating, intense enough sensation from intercourse, and longer sex sessions. Iâll translate that: sheâs missing pleasure, reciprocation, and orgasms for her. She is NOT being selfish for wanting these things. They are pretty fundamental aspects of a sexual relationship, and she needs to address them with her husband first.â
Backing way the hell up: assuming you knew about my column five years ago, MND, itâs telling you didnât ask for my advice back when you realized your new boyfriend was never going to eat your pussy. (Spoiler: I wouldâve told you to dump him.) Since you chose not to break up with your boyfriend over the lack cunnilingus back then and you donât want to divorce your husband over it now, MND, it would seem that going without oralâat least going without at homeâis the price of admission youâre willing to pay to be with this guy.
As for your other issues about your sex life with your husbandâyou donât âfeel himâ during penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse and itâs over too quicklyâthe right toys could certainly help. But if your husband ruled out penetration toys that were bigger than his cock, MND, or if you didnât order any that were bigger than his cock to avoid hurting his feelings, youâre gonna have to broach the subject of buying some larger toys, MND, ones you can really feel. And since experimenting with new positions didnât help your husband last longer, you should try alternating between toys and his cock during PIV, which will make both the sex (and the husband) last longer.
âIf MNDâs husband is really in this relationship, he should be open and willing to give most anything a try,â said Taormino. âMND really needs to see that heâs as interested in her pleasure and satisfaction as he is in his own. And if thereâs something she wants to try or something that really turns her on and gets her off that her husband doesnât know about, now is the time to share the juicy details.â
As for opening up the relationship, MND, I wouldnât advise most people to initiate that convo at this moment. Because if the conversation goes badlyâand they often do at firstâthat could mean sheltering in place with an angry person. But based on your husbandâs reaction when you confessed having a crush on a coworker, MND, I think you could risk discussing opening up while youâre locked down. Your husband didnât say there was nothing wrong with fantasizing about a snack, MND, he said thereâs nothing wrong with having a snack. Make no mistake: thatâs not a green light to immediately outsource getting your pussy eaten. But his calm, matter-of-fact reaction when you confided in him about your crush is good sign.
But first things first: you need to work with your husband on improving your sex life at home and you should have a convo about thatâand a convo about ordering some new sex toysâbefore you make plans to open up the relationship and start getting your pussy eaten elsewhere.
âExploring non-monogamy is one way to address sexual incompatibilities and expand our capacity for love and intimacy,â said Taormino. âBut the stuff between the two of them needs to gets talked about first. Otherwise, youâre glossing over the issues with something new and shiny.â
Follow Tristan Taormino on Twitter @TristanTaormino.
I've been in love with a close friend for years. Social distancing has thrown major life "regrets" into high relief and I would be crushed if something happened to him. Weâve both been distancing for two weeks and neither of us have symptoms. Can I have him come over to hang out? What if we ended up making out or hooking up? He has housemates and I don't, so he's around more people than I am, but everyone at his house has been distancing too. I see so many questions about hooking up with randos and that seems like a clear no-no. But what about hooking up with someone you know?
No Regrets
Also a no-no, NR. Weâre not supposed to come within six feet of anyone we donât live with, NR, which means you canât invite this guy over to play cribbage and/or fuck you senseless. If you wanted to invite this guy over to stay, you could shack up and wait out the lockdown together. But you canât invite him over just to play. Instead of inviting him over and hoping for something to happen, NR, you should give this guy a call and tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way and want to be your quarantine buddy. But if he doesnât feel the same way, at least youâll know. Rejections we can get over, NR, but regrets are for life.
Monogamy is looking pretty good, folks. So says open-relationships advocate Tristan Taormino. And, the sex sleeve...demystified. Listen at www.savagelovecast.com
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage